Far From Home
Somehow, the House had followed him onto the train.
Regulus sat alone in a compartment, feet on the seat to avoid the water puddled beneath him. It had a slight, toxic-green tinge to it and he looked past his feet every now and then to check if it was still there.
Perhaps it was a reminder from his parents. Green for Slytherin. Regulus didn’t need the reminder, he knew his future was in Slytherin. There wasn’t a future he could picture where he wasn’t.
Looking down again, he sighed and slumped back. Looking out the window, he could see the English countryside that would soon give way to Scotland. It would be colder there, he’d heard. He looked forward to escaping the stuffiness of their house in London in favour of the chilled, northern air. It would give him a chance to breathe.
Freedom, too, was what awaited him in that castle. A place his mother couldn’t reach and be breathing down his neck. Having said that, he felt her watchful gaze on him constantly even when he knew she wasn’t there.
While he gazed out the window, at the trees passing by, the compartment door slid open and a figure stood looking in.
When he turned to look, a girl with pale blonde hair and piercing blue eyes was watching back.
“May I come in?” the girl said.
Regulus sat up properly and craned his neck to look down at the compartment floor. The green puddle was gone so he nodded to the girl and dropped his feet from their perch on the seat.
Now that he wasn’t alone, he felt more on edge. He straightened his posture and placed his hands in his lap.
The girl sat opposite him, watching him intensely.
“Hello,” she greeted, “I’m Pandora.”
“I’m Regulus Black,” he replied.
Pandora nodded but otherwise didn’t react to his name as Sirius had told him people would. It worried him slightly, was she the filth his mother had warned him of?
“So close,” Pandora said, interrupting his worries, her expression serious as she continued staring at him, “but not enough.”
“What?”
“To Hogwarts,” she said, her face suddenly forming a smile, all somberness gone. “We’re nearly there, I think.”
“I’m not sure we are,” Regulus disagreed, voice uncertain though he knew he was right. Outside, the midlands passed by.
“In the grand scheme of things, accounting every minute of life, we are very close. Perspective is what makes time ebb and flow,” Pandora explained.
“Suppose so. In respect to the journey, however, we are still very far,” Regulus argued back.
“And what journey is that?”
“The one to Hogwarts?” Regulus had his brow furrowed in perplexity.
Pandora hummed, her gaze fixed out the window.
“The journey of life tends to go by faster than expected, Regulus. I suggest you take every moment to appreciate the time you have while you can.”
“Okay. I will, I guess,” Regulus muttered in response to the unwelcome advice.
She turned to him and gave him a warm smile. “I know, you are, I just wanted to remind you.”
Regulus had nothing to say to that so let the quiet fall between them. Occasionally, he felt Pandora’s eyes on him. It unsettled him, but at least with her there with him the House seemed to have ceased its tricks.
There was one question he couldn’t get out of his head. The question of her blood status. When he asked, all of sudden once he could no longer fight the urge to ask, she had frowned.
“I forgot about this,” she said, sighing, “What does it matter?”
“It just does,” Regulus said. Even to his ears he sounded quite petulant.
“Why?” she asked. Though Regulus had expected her to get offended with him, she was smiling at him kindly, a little sadly too.
“I’m not having this talk with you,” Regulus protested, raising his chin slightly to look down on her, “I’d appreciate it if you answered my question.”
“I can assure you, my blood is pure enough for you.”
“That’s not an answer.”
“It is and it’s the only one you’re getting.”
There was a finality to her words that left them in silence once more for the remainder of their journey. Regulus quietly tried to settle his irritation. He wanted to lash out. He wondered if that was how Sirius felt when he first came to Hogwarts.
No one but Sirius had ever questioned Regulus’ beliefs, and when he had it had been half hearted like he knew he was fighting a losing battle. He’d always say Regulus would understand when he got to school, that he too would change his mind from what their parents preached.
But Sirius was wrong, poisoned and contaminated by the impure. Regulus would not change his mind. He could not. He would not be misguided like his brother.
-
When Sirius came back for the summer, Regulus had been waiting on the stairs, watching the door for his arrival. Sirius came in with a sour expression, their mother dragging him in by the arm, grip tight as though she expected him to run away. It wouldn’t have been surprising if he had already tried.
Regulus was unsure whether to go down and greet him. He wasn’t sure if Sirius had let the letter fiasco go or not and, alternatively, he was anxious to know whether mother would disapprove of him interacting with his ‘shameful’ brother.
Before he could retreat upstairs as though he had never been there, Sirius noticed him. His expression softened and Regulus received his answer.
Mother passed him on the stairs as Regulus went down to meet Sirius. She didn’t seem to notice him but he noticed her tensed jaw and narrowed eyes.
He watched her ascend the stairs then turned to Sirius when he reached the bottom.
“What did you do to upset her?” Regulus asked slightly disapprovingly. He hadn’t meant to greet Sirius with an accusation but it was hard not to when it was clear he had done something to anger their mother.
Sirius rolled his eyes. “I dunno, lived, I guess,” Sirius said, “Can’t do anything right in this bloody family.”
“No but, what did you do?” Regulus prodded, curious.
Sirius grinned at the memory, “She grabbed me at the station, so I put up a fuss and pretended she was kidnapping me. She didn’t find it funny.”
“No, I don’t suppose she would,” Regulus agreed, a smile tugging at his lips.
“You would’ve laughed. People actually came to help, can you believe it? Wish she hadn’t aparated away so quick, I was only getting started,” Sirius sighed wistfully. “Don’t think she’ll be picking us up from the station ever again, I’ll warn you now.”
“Aren’t you in big trouble then?” Regulus asked nervously. There was no way their mother would let that slide.
“Yeah,” Sirius shrugged carelessly as though it wasn’t a concern for him at all. “She doesn’t want to look at me right now, said she’ll deal with me later.”
“Sirius-”
“Stop fretting, I was gonna get the family welcome at some point this summer, better to get it over and done with now.”
Regulus didn’t like how dismissive Sirius was with the whole thing. How he could put his comfort and safety in jeopardy for a simple prank was beyond him. It was something he would never understand about Sirius.
The rest of the summer had been pleasant. Sirius would do something, get in big trouble for it, he’d face his punishment, be angry at Regulus for no apparent reason for a few days, then they’d go back to spending each day together. It was a never ending cycle.
Sirius was very incessant in practising quidditch to try out come September. He wanted to be a beater, yet another thing about Sirius that Regulus would never understand. Why anyone would enjoy bashing a ball about in random directions, Regulus wasn’t sure.
They had a system. Sirius would hit the bludger as high as he could and Regulus, initially stood with his broom on the ground, would fly as fast as possible to try catch it before it began its downward descent.
When tired of flying, they would go to the nearby park. The first few times were nice. They had climbed trees and fed the ducks while away from the watchful eyes of their parents. But then Sirius had started trying to talk to the muggles.
“Don't do that,” Regulus hissed, marching over to where Sirius had been chatting to a dog walker and was now watching the man walk away down the path. “Cut it out.”
Sirius scoffed, “What’s got you so cranky? They’re just people, Reg.”
“No, they’re muggles,” Regulus amended, grabbing Sirius’ sleeve and trying to pull him in the direction of their house.
Sirius was having none of it and pulled his arm from Regulus’ grip. “Go home if you want, cry to mummy for all I care. If you’re gonna be a stuck up, pureblood prick I don’t want you here, take your blood supremacy beliefs somewhere else and tell them to someone who cares.”
Regulus hadn’t wasted any time returning home and shutting himself away in his bedroom. Later, he had heard Sirius return with softs footsteps up the stairs. He opened his door and looked out.
“Back then,” he said and Sirius looked over to him.
“Yeah, like you care,” Sirius said sourly.
“I didn’t tell mother and father,” Regulus said, needing Sirius to know.
“Thanks? Really did me a favour there,” Sirius replied sarcastically, glaring back at him as he vanished into his room.
Regulus flushed with embarrassment and shut his door softly. There was no winning when it came to Sirius.
The two brothers didn’t talk for the remaining two weeks of the summer. Sirius would leave the room when Regulus entered and Regulus tried to understand what he had done wrong.
For the first time since receiving his letter, Regulus had wished to go to Hogwarts.
-
“I won’t be going with you,” Pandora said to him as they left the train, side by side.
Regulus tried not to mind and tried to ignore how oddly comforting her company had become towards the end of the journey. He wanted to stay with her; she warded off the visions, like Sirius had done when everything had been alright between them.
“Why not?” he asked, slightly embarrassed by his longing.
“It’s not how it went,” she replied, a sad smile on her face.
Regulus watched her walk through the crowd of people towards where the first years were being called. With little thought, he followed, winding through the people standing about at the station.
Pandora walked quickly and Regulus struggled to keep up, barely able to keep her in his sights. He didn’t stop to think how oddly frantic he must have looked, how embarrassing mother would have been if she had been there.
They came to a decking that stretched into the deep, dark water of the lake. Regulus faltered, watching it nervously. During his hesitance, Pandora had carried on and got into one of the first boats headed for the school.
Other first years passed him into the deck, but Regulus just stood. Some gave concerned looks, but all continued walking and forgot what had distracted them momentarily.
The last time Regulus had been out in a large body of water had been the summer of ‘68, just four years prior. They had gone to their aunt and uncle’s manor situated in the countryside. There, they owned a huge garden which was home to a lake.
The lake itself wasn’t as big as this one, but it was equally as dark. Even then, Regulus was unsettled by deep, unclear water. It was a natural fear; the fear of the unknown underneath the surface.
Sirius had been bored that day, as he often was, and had taken it upon himself to organise a game. He had asked Andromeda and Narcissa to join and they had both agreed (though one more enthusiastic than the other).
Bellatrix had not been invited and Sirius had been careful about that. They had argued the day before and they weren’t talking. Sirius would never accept it, but they all knew the two were too similar to get along cordially.
Regulus had enjoyed the summers where all the cousins would meet, back when everything was alright between them. It was before Andromeda ran off with that mud-blood, before Sirius started his acts of defiance, before Bellatrix became disturbingly violent.
The game they had chosen had been hide and seek. Narcissa was seeking, he remembered, because she was the only one who didn’t cheat and the only one who didn’t whine about having to do it.
When the counting began, they had dispersed and run in all directions, as far as possible from each other. Regulus, not wanting to stray too far, hid in a little rowboat roped to the wooden jetty, and pulled the tarpaulin used to keep rain off over himself so he was engulfed in darkness.
He hadn’t stayed there long when his cover was ripped away. At first, he had been disappointed at losing, but then he noticed it wasn’t Narcissa who had found him, but Bellatrix.
Her eyes were glistening slightly and she was pouting.
“You’re playing without me?” she said, petulantly. “Why wouldn’t you tell me?”
“Sorry, Bella,” Regulus apologised, timidly. At seven years old, he was scared of Bellatrix. She had a temper; an uncontrollable rage that she inside of her which occasionally spilled out.
“Why wouldn’t you tell me?” she said again, a tear spilling.
Regulus stood, unsteady in the boat, arms out to help keep his balance as the surface beneath him undulated with his sudden movement.
“We couldn’t find you,” Regulus explained, though it wasn’t the truth. He looked around for Narcissa and caught sight of her blonde hair and her figure walking in their direction having heard the commotion.
“Liar,” Bellatrix accused, “you all didn’t want me to play, you all never want me to play.”
“Bella-” Regulus started, looking down at his feet.
“Bella, no-” He heard Narcissa shout right before Bellatrix’s hand met his shoulders, shoving him backwards. Already unsteady, it didn’t take much force to send him falling backwards into the cold water.
Regulus vividly remembered the shock, the cold, the sting of his eyes. He remembered the water in his ears, the feeling of weed at his fingers, and the feeling of a hand grabbing his ankle and giving it a tug.
He had shouted out, the sound escaping as air and bubbles, never to be heard.
In the end, Narcissa had jumped in and pulled him out. Out of all of them, he hadn’t expected it to have been her. Narcissa wasn’t rash, she didn’t panic, she didn’t worry, and she didn’t care.
But that day, she had run over and jumped in without any hesitation.
Later, when he sat by the fire, a blanket and her arm wrapped around him, he had brought it up. It was just the two of them since Bellatrix and Sirius had been sent to their rooms after a fight, and Andromeda had gone to sleep early after checking he was alright.
“You’re so young, Regulus, just a boy,” she said as she stroked his hair. At fifteen, Narcissa was always gentle. Bellatrix often called her meek and Regulus hadn’t understood why her compassion was viewed as such a flaw. “Why would you think it so surprising that I wouldn’t help you?”
“I don’t know,” Regulus said quietly, fingers fiddling the edge of the blanket. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be sorry,” she protested and she wore a frown when he looked up at his from where his eyes had been glued to the carpet. “I’m sorry that I made you feel like I don’t care.”
The quiet had fallen between them before she had continued.
“You’re my favourite cousin, Regulus. I care very much for you, don’t forget it.”
“You only have two cousins,” Regulus had mumbled though he couldn’t hide the small smile on his face.
Narcissa smiled back. “Yeah, well, you’re one of my favourite people.” And that meant something because Narcissa was already at Hogwarts and she knew many people.
Despite the incident, the whole day was a memory he was fond of. He hadn’t spoken of the monster in the lake, he knew no one would have believed him anyway, but he still had nightmares about it.
The thought of getting close to deep water was daunting, and something he would much rather avoid. At some point, though, he knew he would have to get in one of the little, wooden boats. He feared that if he put up a fuss his mother would somehow find out and his winter holidays would be filled with lectures on decorum.
Before he could make the decision to approach one of the boats, a hand rested on his shoulder, commanding his attention.
“Hey, Reg, you alright?” Regulus turned to face Sirius. Looking over his brother's shoulder, Regulus recognised Sirius’ group of friends. It wasn’t hard to put faces to names from the descriptions Sirius had given him.
“Just nervous,” Regulus replied, eyes drifting back to Sirius’.
“For the sorting?”
“No, I don’t want to fall in the lake,” Regulus admitted quietly, so no one would overhear him.
“Oh Reg, you won’t,” Sirius said, almost dismissively. “I wanted to catch you before everything anyway,” Sirius continued. So there was a reason why he had approached Regulus, other than his well-being.
Sirius was shifting his weight from foot to foot, looking more anxious than Regulus felt.
“Why?” Regulus asked, eyebrows furrowed. He wasn’t sure what Sirius could possibly want to say.
“Just, keep an open mind, yeah? Don’t… Don’t make decisions for other people.”
“Our parents, you mean?” Or you? He thought.
Regulus wanted to tell Sirius how hypocritical he was, how insane it was for him to tell Regulus not to change for their parents, while longing for Regulus to change just for him.
Instead, he said nothing and did his best to keep his expression passive to hide his irritation.
“Yeah. Just… You don’t need to do everything they say, I didn’t and I’m alright.”
Regulus would argue that Sirius wasn’t alright. Their parents shouted at him more while simultaneously trying to forget he ever existed. Sirius was miserable, Regulus could tell. Regulus didn’t want that.
Regulus nodded.
“That’s all I wanted to say,” Sirius finished, reaching a hand up to run through his hair. “Goodluck,” he said with a forced smile before quickly turning to rejoin his friends again.
Regulus watched them go before he turned to the boats. There was one left with the remaining three first years getting in with help from the grounds-keeper, an exceptionally tall man. Regulus went over and carefully climbed in, declining any help, and gripped the edge of the rocking boat.
For everyone else he was sure the boat trip was magical, calming, beautiful. But Regulus couldn’t take his eyes off of the suspicious ripples in the water.
It was common knowledge the water held a giant squid, rumours that it lay home to merpeople, but Regulus’ concern was more focused on what people didn’t know was down there. Looking into the water, he could only see himself reflected back on the surface.
A rock of the boat sent his grip tightening and his eyes screwing shut.
“It’s okay, it's charmed to not capsize,” the girl next to him whispered as she held onto his arm in attempted comfort.
He pulled his arm from her loose grip and tried to turn slightly away from her. The last thing he needed was mother burning his belongings again because of contamination from those of lesser purity.
He didn’t know for sure, but he suspected she could smell the muddied blood.
-
Inside the Great Hall, all the students sat watching the hat on the stool as the Headmaster introduced the year. Regulus looked around at the other children sitting at tables and at the charmed sky that glittered with stars, not paying attention to the hat’s singing that echoed through the room.
Momentarily, his gaze caught his brother’s. Sirius gave him an encouraging smile and Regulus tried to return it with a confidence he didn’t feel. His stomach was in knots and his eyes subconsciously darted to the exits.
The hall quietened, and then names began being listed off. It wasn’t long before his name was called and he was walking forwards numbly to take his seat on the stool.
The room was quieter for him than it had been for everyone else.
The hat was placed onto his head and shielded his eyes from the onlookers. He was glad he couldn’t see all their faces, could ignore all their eyes on him, could almost pretend none of them were there. Or, perhaps, that he wasn’t there.
“Another Black,” a voice spoke to him. Regulus jumped slightly and he tensed his hands. “Not to worry, Regulus Black,” the hat continued, “I won’t harm you.”
Regulus tried to relax and waited for the verdict.
“So strange, your mind. There are things here that shouldn’t be,” the hat muttered as though to itself. “Nevermind that, though, what house is best for you? There is bravery here, intelligence and cunning too, though not much loyalty. What do you value most?”
Regulus furrowed his brow. What did he value most?
He valued his intelligence, his propriety. Though, sometimes he wondered how much he would if it hadn’t been drilled into him since he was young. Nevertheless, he was often complimented on his maturity and manners.
Sometimes, he considered himself a peacemaker. Sirius would always tell him the opposite, that by him saying nothing, the scales weren’t balanced but merely had an unnecessary weight added to either side. That, in actuality, he was less a peacemaker and more of a bystander. Regulus chose to ignore this particular talk Sirius had given him.
Despite what the hat had said about his lack of loyalty, he would say loyalty was one of his strongest traits. Loyal to his family, his brother, and himself most of all. Though, he supposed, whatever happened now, whatever house he was sorted into, he would be breaking his loyalty to someone. Slytherin and Sirius would be betrayed, anything other and his parents would interpret it as an act of defiance, of utmost disloyalty.
Perhaps Regulus just didn’t know himself at all.
One thing he was sure about, one thing that he valued quite strongly, was his ability to deceive. Having lived his life pretending, he often felt deceived even by himself. There was never a problem he hadn’t somehow wormed himself out of, never an incident where he had taken the blame.
Regulus had once tattled on Sirius when he left the house after curfew. He hadn’t meant to, really, and he often thought back on it with regret. Sirius had been fuming, “Why’d you tell them?” he had demanded.
“I didn’t, I swear. You left your candle lit and your door ajar, of course mother found out,” Regulus had protested, pouting and putting on a show of sulking. Regulus hadn’t lied, but the reason he'd given wasn’t the reason mother had found out.
“But mother said-”
“You believe mother over me?” Regulus had cut in, doing his best to look hurt. There had been a small part of him that was.
Sirius had apologised after that.
“Interesting, just like your brother,” the hat commented. “You would do well in Ravenclaw, curious as you are, but I sense you would not thrive there, though kinder on you it may be. I think it would be a mistake to put you anywhere but… SLYTHERIN.”
The hat shouted the last bit for all to hear and a second later the hat was taken from his head. He blinked at the sudden brightness, then stood and walked to the applauding table.
He tried to focus on his feet, to not look anywhere else, but somehow his eyes still gravitated to Sirius’. His brother looked deflated and was watching Regulus with a confused, almost hurt, expression. Regulus didn’t understand why Sirius was so bothered.
Surely he had seen it coming.
The names continued to be called out.Three boys and three girls joined him in Slytherin, though he hadn’t been paying enough attention to hear their names.
The food appeared and he ate and he thought. It was hard to focus though, when he could hear ragged breathing at his ear and feel a wet, bony hand clasped to his shoulder.
It wasn’t real, he knew, but it still took all his energy to bring his shaking fork to his mouth without turning round.
-
Later that night, shielded by the curtains around his bed, water ran down Regulus’ cheeks. They were salty, like the ocean, and unstoppable, like the rain.
It’s just the house, he tried to convince himself.
Afterall, he didn’t cry anymore.