Chapter 3
Walking the corridors in the early hours of the night had become a habit for Regulus. Sometimes, he just needed to escape the Slytherin dormitories, to no longer feel the weight of the lake above and all around him.
The common room had a glass window that peered into the lake. Regulus had looked at it once, when he’d first arrived, and had felt slightly queasy. He had ignored it ever since.
With a candle lit in his hand, he walked slowly past the portraits lining the walls and gazed around him. Though he knew the spell to light his wand with light, the portraits had grumbled so much the first time he went wandering that he had taken to carrying about the amber flame instead.
He preferred the warm glow to the harsh white light anyway.
During his time so far, he had explored the castle so thoroughly he was often the only first year who didn’t get lost on the way to class. Occasionally, he would recognise his classmates walking in the wrong direction and he would watch them pass by with a faint feeling of satisfaction.
It gave him power over them, and he hated how good it felt. It was the feeling he imagined his parents felt each time they’d catch someone out during conversation or made their status known to someone of lesser importance.
It was a night in late September he followed a corridor until it led him outside, into a courtyard. The moon was bright, outshining the stars quite considerably, but not quite whole. Its light illuminated his surroundings. There were a few stone benches around, a small fountain, and colourless flower beds looking quite forlorn with the incoming cold.
It was a bad view of the sky here. He’d just decided to head back into the castle and to the astronomy tower when he heard rushed footsteps and voices. On his nightly walks, he had never encountered anyone at all. As the voices grew louder, there was one voice he recognised in particular. Regulus stepped into the shadows of the courtyard as he listened.
“Can’t believe Filch chased us all that way,” a voice he knew to be Sirius’ exclaimed in a loud whisper as he breathed heavily, trying to catch his breath.
When he came into view, Sirius had his hands on his knees. Behind him was a dark haired boy with glasses, a boy Regulus knew to be James Potter. They had never been introduced, but with all of Sirius’ stories and the fact Regulus had seen them inseparable at mealtimes, it wasn’t hard to work out who he was. Potter was much more composed, the run seemingly not having had that much of an effect on him.
“D’you think Remus and Pete got away? I didn’t see where they went,” Potter said with mild concern, looking about the courtyard while readjusting his glasses. Regulus stepped further into the shadows.
“Neither, got separated on those stupid moving stairs,” Sirius huffed.
“Remus did say those stairs hated him, guess he wasn’t kidding,” Potter commented, looking thoughtful.
“Come off it, those stairs hate everyone,” Sirius said, hitting Potter’s arm lightly as he straightened up, having caught his breath. “Where are we anyway?”
“Not sure, might have to check the map if you’re so curious,” Potter gestured to Sirius’ pocket where a rather large piece of folded parchment poked out. “We didn’t research it all summer for it to stay crumpled in your trouser pocket.”
“You got it, I’m still recovering, not everyone gets up for a run at five each morning.”
Potter rolled his eyes somewhat fondly before pulling the parchment from Sirius’ pocket. Regulus watched as he muttered something as he unfolded it. Even from his view, Regulus could tell the map was huge. Potter was busy opening different flaps and scanning the page.
“Ah, here we are,” Potter exclaimed pointing to a spot on the map. “Wait a second…” he muttered to himself before snapping his gaze up and scanning the surroundings.
“What is it?” Sirius asked, moving to look at the map just as Potter’s eyes landed on Regulus. “You’re moving too much, give it here,” Sirius protested, “What were you-”
Sirius stopped and followed Potter’s gaze to his brother.
“Oh, Reg. Why are you here?” he asked, voice flat.
“Exploring,” Regulus answered honestly as he stepped tentatively out of the dark, feeling as though he had been caught doing something he shouldn’t have been.
They hadn’t spoken since before the sorting, when by the Black Lake on the jetty. Regulus had looked out for Sirius in the corridors and, after a couple weeks of not seeing him, had come to the conclusion that Sirius had been avoiding him.
“Huh, that’s unlike you.”
“Is it?” Regulus asked, confused.
In turn, Sirius scrunched up his face.
An awkward silence settled over the courtyard. Even the owl calls had stopped and the breeze rustling the plants had ceased.
“So, how’s first year?” James Potter asked, his chirpy voice breaking the staring match the brothers had been having as all eyes darted to him.
“It's, uh, good,” Regulus replied, not having expected to be addressed by the other boy.
“Any friends? Any favourite classes?”
“Couple boys in my dorm are nice and a girl I sit with in lessons. I like potions best I think.”
Potter shivered, “Potions? Never been my thing. You should speak with Lily, she loves potions too.”
“Right,” Regulus said. He had a faint idea who Lily was, he remembered Sirius talking about her, but the specifics had faded from his memory. He wasn’t exactly curious to find out either since it was safe to assume all Sirius’ friends were the wrong sort.
They were all quiet again.
“How’d you know I was here?” Regulus asked though he figured it had something to do with the map. Seeing their exchanged look, he suspected he wasn’t getting a real answer.
“Sixth sense?” Potter suggested, “that or my amazing eyesight.”
“Right,” Regulus said, making sure his voice sounded extra unconvinced.
The altercation had already gone on too long, Regulus decided. The air around them was heavy and they all clearly did not want to be there. Sirius was rubbing the back of his neck while looking back at the way they came, Potter was inspecting the wall as though it had on it a message only he could read, and Regulus himself was shifting his weight from foot to foot, working out how to quickly, but politely, get away.
Before he could finish thinking of his excuse, Potter clapped his hands together and sighed heavily. “Well, I can leave you both to…chat,” Potter said, waving a finger between the two of them while he backed away.
Regulus noticed Sirius’ panicked eyes, his pleading look to his friend, the subtle shake of his head. “See you back at the dorm Sirius, see you Reg.” Potter turned the corner and vanished.
Sirius turned to him again and gave him a weak smile, one of discomfort and awkwardness. Regulus shared his sentiment but didn’t outwardly show it as Sirius had. He waited for Sirius to talk, but the seconds ticked by and he realised he wasn’t going to.
“You’ve been ignoring me,” Regulus said, his voice harsher than he had intended. He’d tried not to sound upset so instead the anger had crept into his tone.
“No,” Sirius protested immediately, “well, yes,” he amended a moment later. He paused, then seemed to have figured out what he was going to say. His face turned more serious and his voice was colder when he spoke. “You had to go get sorted into Slytherin, didn’t you? You know, I really expected you’d be different. Over the summer, we had our moments, but we were good, mostly. Weren’t we good? And now you’ve gone and done this.”
“I can’t control my sorting, Sirius,” Regulus argued, “and me being in Slytherin doesn’t change anything.”
“It changes everything,” Sirius said, his voice sounding slightly desperate, “You were gonna come to Hogwarts, get sorted anywhere else, and then learn that what mother and father teach is wrong. You were supposed to realise you were wrong .”
“So you were hoping I’d be like you? I’d nod my head like a lapdog the moment someone argues my beliefs?”
“But you’re the one who’s wrong, it’s you. You’re so bloody stupid, Reg, you just can’t see it,” Sirius’ tone softened and his eyes stared at Regulus beseechingly. “I’m just trying to help.”
Regulus couldn’t understand it; why Sirius thought of himself as so much smarter, so much wiser, when it had only been a year since such nonsense started coming from his mouth. And telling Regulus he was wrong and stupid, so similar to how their parents spoke to Sirius when he dared defend his friends.
“I don’t want your help, I don’t need it,” Regulus snapped, pride hurt and cheeks heated in embarrassment and frustration, “You know, I don’t know why I was so upset you were ignoring me, I’d rather that than you trying to change me to suit yourself. You’re so selfish, Sirius, no wonder our entire family hates you.”
Regulus regretted the words but didn’t wait around to see how Sirius reacted, instead marching past, knocking his shoulder into Sirius. As the distance between them increased, Regulus tried to convince himself Sirius wouldn’t be too offended, that, given a week, they’d be back to how they were.
He couldn’t stop replaying the argument over and over his head. Each time he thought of it, he became more embarrassed. He had reacted childishly, his voice sounding increasingly more petulant in his head when he thought about what he’d said.
He tripped on a slightly raised floorboard, staggering to gain his balance.
On and on he walked, not looking at where he was headed, just needing to get away. There was a lump in his throat, a stinging in his eyes.
He was so consumed by his thoughts, he was choking on them. Slowing, he brought a hand to his throat. He couldn’t breathe. Tugging at the neck of his shirt, he was overcome by an episode of coughs. Staggering forwards, he sank to his knees and bent his head to the floor. He coughed and coughed. He was coughing up water onto the floor and some vibrant-green liquid.
When it was over, he slumped back against the wall breathing heavily. The green liquid had a slight glow to it, so he shut his eyes.
When at last he opened them again, it had all disappeared.
-
“So, which one are you, Starboy?” Barty Crouch Jr asked with a yawn.
Regulus sighed as he looked through the telescope. “I can see mars, right of the moon,” Regulus told Evan who jotted the placement down onto a piece of parchment, “and I told you to stop calling me that,” he directed the last bit at his other friend.
“I don’t think I will, it's fun to watch you lose your cool,” Barty disagreed. He was sat on the floor with his legs stretched out, propped up by his elbows, leaving all the work to Evan and Regulus.
It was almost midnight. If they’d been quicker, they would have already left their late astronomy lesson, but their first chart had blown off when Regulus had mistakenly put it in Barty’s care. Barty was only there because he had put up such a fuss about wanting to be a trio to the professor.
“I don’t lose my cool,” Regulus protested.
“You do, kinda,” Evan helpfully offered into the conversation, briefly looking up from their second attempt at a star and planet chart.
“Last time you threw a book at my head,” Barty grumbled.
“It shut you up, didn’t it.”
“Guess, but it wasn’t very proper of you, what would mumsy think?”
“She’d think you’re a right prat deserving of more books thrown at your head,” Regulus muttered as he lined up the telescope again.
Barty laughed, “You’re actually quite funny sometimes.”
Regulus looked away from his task just to give his friend a glare.
Regulus, Barty and Evan had become friends quite early on in the year. They shared a room so there was no way to really stop it from happening. It had started with an unspoken agreement to walk to meals and sit together, and then progressed into spending most of their time together during the weekends and evenings to alleviate their boredom.
Their other roommates, Travers and Williams, kept to themselves a bit more. Williams was a half-blood who seemed adamant on ignoring them and Travers had a brother two years above who he hung out with instead. It didn’t bother the other three, suited them even.
“Are we nearly done? I’m so bored. I need my beauty sleep,” Barty complained, collapsing fully on the ground as though sitting around doing nothing had exhausted him.
Regulus was also tired. The sky was dark and glittering with stars and he wanted to enjoy it alone, in peace, but instead their astronomy class would have to command his attention for the next half hour.
“Are you ever going to help?” Evan enquired, eyebrows raised, “The time might go quicker for you.”
“Nah, I’m all good over here, you carry on.” Evan huffed a laugh and did exactly that.
Barty was actually extremely studious and had an ambition to match it, just lazy when it came to actually focusing in lessons. He seemed perfectly suited with learning from textbooks in his own time, excelled at it even. Evan, in contrast, always quietly got on with any work given with little complaint.
Evan, thankfully, was the one who sat with Barty most lessons. Regulus could imagine himself going insane sitting with Barty and enduring the constant whining and fidgeting, so reminiscent of Sirius in their lesson with their governess. Evan seemed to be able to block it out, a talent Regulus was jealous of.
At the beginning of the year, it became apparent they shared most lessons with the Ravenclaws, so when Pandora, the girl from the train, appeared in the classroom on their first day, Regulus had gone to sit with her without thinking.
She greeted him with a smile. They ended up quite a good team. It was almost like Pandora could read his mind and seemed to know exactly which days he felt like talking and which days he wished the world to shut up.
Today was becoming one of the latter.
In just three days he was set to go home for the spring holidays and Sirius had already told him he wasn’t going back. It hadn’t been surprising, but Regulus still felt disappointed.
They had made amends of sorts over Christmas, having been once again cooped up in the house with each other for two weeks, and Regulus thought Sirius had enjoyed it just as much as he had.
On occasion they argued, but that just seemed to be one of their primary methods of communication. It would all start with Sirius’ lectures. It seemed, now that Hogwarts wasn’t going to corrupt Regulus, he’d taken up the challenge himself.
In a way, Regulus didn’t mind the chats because at least Sirius was talking to him. Some days, he let his brother think he was considering his words and Sirius would look so eager and pleased. But Regulus never listened, just tuned the words out and listened instead for their parents' footsteps to check they weren’t nearby, listening in.
They had continued to stargaze together, one of Regulus’ favourite activities. They did so mostly in silence and Regulus valued the moments where they could simply exist without mentioning each other's expectations of the other. That was what he wanted now, to be quietly watching the stars rather than surrounded by murmuring classmates and rustling papers.
“How’s it going?”
Regulus startled slightly as he turned his head to see Pandora standing behind him looking up at the sky over his shoulder. There was some blue on her eyelids, glitter too. A few days ago she told him she’d been experimenting and that, with winter coming, she needed something to liven up the dull months. Regulus liked the touch of colour.
“Going well,” Regulus said. “Would be going better with a little more engagement from some members of the group.”
Pandora hummed, a faint smile on her face as her eyes looked to Barty, “Isn’t that always the way.”
Barty’s complaints went ignored, as usual.
“How are you doing?” Regulus asked Pandora. He hadn’t seen her that day at all as they hadn’t shared any classes. Those were the worst days because Regulus was forced to sit with random students. They’d all stopped trying to talk to him, at least.
“Oh, we’re already done, Laura and I,” she gestured somewhere over her shoulder supposedly at where she’d been working with her partner, “I actually came to tell you that you’re coming with me to the library tomorrow evening, thought you should know.”
“Why?”
“Because I’m telling you to,” she said simply, “See you, Reg. Bye Evan, Bye Barty.” Pandora swept away again and down the stairs of the astronomy tower before Regulus had the time to demand another answer. .
“She’s strange,” Barty commented as soon as she was out of earshot, “lovely, but strange.”
“She’s perfectly normal,” Regulus disagreed, feeling oddly defensive.
There was only good in Pandora, Regulus was certain. Whatever she said and whatever she did, she meant well and she didn’t deserve to be ridiculed for it. Regulus admired her ability to be herself in a school full of gossip and judgement.
“Yeah, if you ignore all the wishy washy,” Barty said.
“She’s not wishy washy, she’s very straightforward.”
Pandora was very politely blunt with what she said. She always said what she meant, no beating around the bush or trying to save your feelings from being hurt. Of course, on occasion she spoke of things that made no sense, but Regulus had a feeling this wasn’t her being ‘wishy washy’ but that the problem lay in those around her not understanding the context.
“She is a bit strange, Reg. Love her to death and won’t hear a bad word against her, but she’s always been different. I know because I live with her,” Evan cut in casually.
“What?” Regulus asked, confused.
“She’s my sister,” seeing the shock on his friend’s face he continued, “didn’t I mention?”
“What?” Barty exclaimed, louder, only just registering what was said. He sat up quickly and leaned forward. “Are you sure? You’ve never interacted, like ever.”
Evan furrowed his brow. “Yes we have,” he replied, slowly, “I have lunch with her every Sunday, that’s why I don’t sit with you both.”
“Really? That’s what you were doing?”
“What did you guys think I was doing? I’ve been doing it for the entire year and you’ve never questioned it?”
“Huh,” Regulus said, rather ineloquently. “Makes sense. We’d just spend the whole time speculating where you were, honestly,” Regulus murmured. He’d never really put much thought into Evan’s disappearances.
“Yeah, thought maybe you had a secret girlfriend or was undercover doing spy tasks,” Barty helpfully elaborated, making Regulus cringe at how stupid he’d made them sound.
“Or just sick of us,” Regulus added in an attempt to make their obliviousness more reasonable.
“And you two never thought to ask?” Evan asked, perplexed as he looked between the two of them. .
Barty and Regulus both shook their heads.
“Wow,” Evan said, “I think I should be offended you guys don’t pay attention to my life.”
“You’re not though,” Barty decided for him, “Now get back to work, we should’ve been done an hour ago.”
“I wonder why it’s taken us this long,” Regulus said pointedly, voice full of sarcasm, as he glared at Barty.
“Don’t hate the player, hate the game.”
“That makes no sense in this context.”
“Well, use your imagination, Starboy.”
-
Regulus met Pandora at the entrance of the library once dinner had ended the next day. The day had left him feeling exhausted. The late night he was used to, but when it was paired with nightmares he started to struggle.
They were familiar nightmares, ones he’d had all his life. Drowning and monsters and such. Regulus suspected that the House often took inspiration from his mind and played it out before his eyes as though tormented sleep wasn’t enough. That was why the tricks always unsettled him to the core.
Briefly, he’d thought about not coming to the meeting but had made the mistake of mentioning in the presence of Evan who had reminded him of how upset his sister would be. Now he knew this little bit of information, their relation made sense as well as their odd banter in class that Regulus had never noticed before.
Soon, he spotted Pandora walking towards him.
“Hey, Reg,” she said cheerfully before doing a double take, “you look awful, you weren’t like this before.”
“Bad night's sleep.” He sighed when her concerned expression didn’t falter, “I’m fine, just tired, is all.”
“Alright, if you’re sure. Come on,” she said, gesturing for him to follow as they entered the library together.
They wound their way through the towering shelves right to the back where a few tables stood. It was quiet in the library, with just one table being occupied by a girl with ginger hair, face scrunched in concentration as she read her textbook and notes.
“Hey, Lily,” Pandora greeted, pausing at her table.
The other girl looked up and then her face lit up. Regulus, strangely, had never thought to think of Pandora having friends other than him. He’d never seen her with anyone except for a few housemates in the dining hall. He felt bad that he had never asked.
“Oh, hello, Pandora,” Lily said, smiling sweetly. She was a pretty girl with bright green eyes and freckles on her face. She wore her uniform very neatly and sported a red tie, for Gryffindor.
“What you up to?” Pandora asked, looking down at the disarray on the desk.
“Just revision. Exams will be soon after Easter, I keep telling everyone but no one seems concerned. I think it all just comes easier to them, having lived their whole life in this world,” Lily explained looking back down as he notes looking slightly overwhelmed. “There’s just so much to know, common knowledge that isn’t common for me.”
Regulus took a slight step back after hearing her words. He was only being cautious.
“You’ll do amazing, Lily, you’re cleverer than most who’ve been surrounded by magic since forever. Just think of what you told me about what that Peter guy did in transfiguration, yeah? Managed to make the matchstick fly rather than turn into a needle.”
“Hovering charms have nothing to do with transfiguration, I still don’t understand how he managed it,” Lily said thoughtfully. “Thank you, Pandora, you’re very kind.” Lily then seemed to notice Regulus lurking behind Pandora, a few steps away. “This your friend?”
“Yeah, this is Reg,” Pandora introduced him, stepping out of the way so Lily could get a better view of him.
“Hi, Reg,” Lily said with a warm smile.
“It's Regulus,” he corrected and watched as her smile faltered a little at his tone before returning to how it had been before.
“Well, hi Regulus.”
Regulus nodded. Looking around, he checked no one was around. Truthfully, he was scared. Being seen speaking to a muggleborn could somehow get back to his parents. They’d fear he was becoming like Sirius. Almost worse, Sirius would think he had changed his mind and would get angry again when Regulus argued this. Talking with Lily would only bring him trouble.
“Can we go take a seat,” Regulus said to Pandora, taking another step away to head to the furthest table.
“You can sit here, there's plenty of room,” Lily offered, already shuffling paper and books out the way to make room for them.
“Oh, that would be lovely,” Pandora exclaimed, never one to decline an offer. She moved forward, about to pull out a chair to take a seat. Her bag was sliding off her shoulder, about the land on the floor by her feet.
Regulus panicked.
“No.”
The word came out cold and harsh and echoed in the large, empty library.
They both stared at him, Lily in shock and Pandora with a strange look, almost a mixture of disappointment and pity. Pandora recovered quickly and turned to Lily with a smile.
“I’m Sorry, Lily,” Pandora said to the other girl who was still too stunned to speak, “He’s shy, I’ll see you sometime before the holidays.”
“That’s alright, yes, I’ll see you later,” Lily said with uncertainty, eyes flitting to Regulus a couple times. She almost made him feel bad.
Pandora and Regulus walked away to a table tucking into the corner, Regulus walking quickly to further the distance quicker. Pandora kept up without comment.
“I am not shy,” Regulus hissed at her once they were far enough away he was certain Lily wouldn’t hear.
“So I should’ve just told her you hate her purely because of the family she was born into?” Pandora asked, pointedly.
“Yes,” he snapped, “Then she would get the right idea to not-”
“Yes, yes, I understand,” Pandora stopped him, waving a hand in the air as though clearing the air of his unsaid words. “Stop acting like I don’t know you.”
Regulus pursed his lips.
The rest of their library visit was peaceful. Pandora had brought him there for a catchup and some help with their homework. Where Regulus excelled at written work and theory, mostly from his homeschooling, Pandora was exceptional at spells. She understood how they worked, liked no one he’d ever met. She possessed an understanding so deep she would easily be able to create her own spells. Multiple times, she tried to explain it but it was just something Regulus couldn’t understand.
They stayed in the library for a couple hours before packing their stuff. As they left, Regulus couldn’t help his eyes from darting to Lily’s desk, but she’d gone and not left a trace behind.
-
Regulus stood on the platform, ready to depart from Hogwarts and back home to Islington. Barty and Evan had sent him ahead to get a compartment, delayed as they were from their late packing.
He stood, looking back up to the castle and wishing he could stay. He wasn’t ready for the lectures and the silent dinners back home. It would be like the summer Sirius left, except with no lessons to occupy his day. It was a time in his life he never wanted to revisit.
Narcissa might let him stay. Her and Lucius had moved in together in preparation for the wedding in July. But then, Narcissa would probably be too busy with planning and preparations and he’d end up just an added thing to worry over.
Spending time with Bellatrix was out of the question. His fear of her had only grown as the years passed. Something at some point had tipped her over the edge and he wasn’t sure she would ever go back to being the girl he faintly remembered enjoying the company of.
Sighing, he grabbed his bag and walked down the platform, looking in the windows for an empty carriage. He was just lifting his bag onto the train in front of him when he heard someone shout his name.
He paused and looked to see Sirius jogging over.
“Reg, hey,” Sirius said, hands on his hips and breathing heavily. His breath spiralled in the cold air that would still hang around until June.
“What are you doing here? I thought you were staying?” Regulus enquired. Perhaps Sirius had just come to say goodbye, but that was so unlike him.
“Changed my mind, I’m coming back,” he explained, his expression earnest. Back where he’d run from was his group of friends and his luggage. It seemed he was telling the truth.
“Why?” Was the only response Regulus could think of, forever sceptical.
Sirius shrugged and pursed his lips slightly. “Mother and Father would be angry if I didn't show, so here I am.”
Regulus nodded and didn’t refute his reason, too scared any objection would have Sirius change his mind. Sirius's current aim in life was to make their parents angry so it couldn’t possibly be the reason he was coming back.
Regulus tried not to entertain the idea that Sirius was coming back for him .