The Helpers

Jimmy! Kasie!” Screams Tori and Torres while pounding on the glass door. 

I never wanted Tori to see me like this. If I die, she will remember this day for the rest of her life. I can’t let her be haunted by this so I have to keep going. I hid my grief from her as best as I could, but I can’t hide this. I never got a choice. However, we have to find the choices we can make intentionally. I choose to try and save my friend who is still passed out on the floor. 

“Kase! Come on, Kasie!” I scream as loud as my scratchy throat will allow.

I crawl over to her nearby body. Merlin please let her be alive! 

Suddenly I hear her coughing. “Oh, Jim…” she wearily replies

“Hey! Don’t scare me like that again,” demands Carol

“Stay awake, Dad!” Yells Tori through the door

“You guys okay?” Asks Torres

Yep, just peachy. Just casually dying over here. I don’t want to stay awake. I don’t want to be conscious and in pain but I also don’t want to scare Tori. She doesn’t need to see me give up, she doesn’t need to see the moment I greet death as an old friend. 

“Torres, don’t open that door!” Orders Carol. 

He wants to help but there is nothing he can do for us. Opening the door won’t help us, but it will hurt them. Opening the door spreads the poison and even if I would like nothing more than to have my daughter in my arms or to be surrounded by friends, I would rather die alone than see someone I love be sacrificed just to comfort me for a moment. 

I don’t blame Torres for this instinct. It’s a natural response, a human response. When people we love are suffering, we want to make it better. But sometimes - often, in fact - you can't make it better. But when we can’t do something, we can stand there. We can be there and he probably doesn’t realize that the best way he can be a helper in this scenario is to just be there for Victoria. 

“You two need to keep your eyes open,” Carol reminds Kasie and I for the fifth time in as many minutes. 

“Kasie, you okay?” I ask her. 

Her eyes are half open, but I can tell that she, like me, is still fighting. 

“Had a dream. Yeah, I saw my dad,” is all she replies

“That’s great,” I replied. 

“Is it? Isn’t it bad when I see dead people when I close my eyes,” Kasie asks

I mean usually it’s bad. It’s also nice when we can see our loved ones again in this dream world. It’s magical when we get a glimpse across the veil, but seeing them like Kasie just saw her dad and I just saw Breena usually isn’t a good thing. It means our own soul is touching the veil. It means that if we do not get the antidote soon then Kasie and I will be joining our loved ones across the veil and leaving our friends here. It means I’d be leaving Victoria alone and as much as I don’t want to let go of Breena, I’m certainly not ready to let go of my kid. I need to hang on for Tori. 

“No, it can't...  it can't be okay,” I truthfully replied. I’m not sure I have any energy left for comforting lies. 

“What about you? Do you see any dead people?”

I can’t tell her that I see ghosts all the time, both real and imagined. I don’t want to explain that I saw my kids playing in the distance or that I saw Ginny smiling through the trees. I also don’t want to tell her that Breena came to meet me, especially with Tori in the next room. I’m not joining her mother quite yet. 

The rules of limbo state that only one of our loved ones can cross from their resting place into limbo to escort us to the other side. Usually it is the one semi recently deceased person that we need to see to decide if we are joining them or going back where we came from. That’s why I saw Dumbledore instead of my parents in clean King’s Cross all those years ago. This time I needed Breena. I needed to know she was okay and to be reminded that while I have people I love on the other side, I have someone I love even more right in the next room.

However when Kasie asked me that invasive question, I chose to lie in reply. It’s too personal. I don’t want follow up questions. I don’t want to share what was said. “No.  No, I didn't see any dead people,” I said before continuing  “and…. We‘re…We're going to be okay.”

You guys?  Look at me. You two should call your loved ones.  Now,” says Carol. We’re out of time.

Kasie gets up to call her mom, but who would I call who isn’t already here? My magical friends and family do not have phones, besides I’ve already said all I needed to say to them years ago. Breena, Sirius and my parents are already on the other side. And Victoria? How do I say goodbye to someone I love more than my own damn life? Some would guess I was lucky to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard, but I think I would be luckier to not have to say goodbye to my  Tori Dory at all. What advice and lessons could I give her that she hasn’t already been taught? What does she need? What do I need? I take the time while Kasie is on the phone to think about the answers to all of these questions. 

“Uh, just, uh, checking in to... to say how much you matter to me. I'm... just having, uh,

one of those days, I guess…I do love you. So much,” Kasie says into the phone while trying to hold back tears.

“Of all of the times for my mom to not answer,” Kasie says bitterly 

“I’m sorry,” I replied, unsure of how to comfort her.

“ No, it's, uh... it's okay,” Kasie says before having another coughing fit. “Oh, I... I hate goodbyes anyway”

Don’t we all hate saying goodbye? Goodbyes make you think. They make you realize what you’ve had, what you’ve lost, and what you’ve taken for granted. Goodbyes mean you have to leave, goodbye means losing. I always say see you later, even if I know I won’t see them again until we both cross the veil. 

I guess it’s my turn. I walk over to the glass door and put my hand on the glass. Tori lifts her hand to meet mine. Her hand is still so small compared to mine. She’s still too young to be orphaned.

“Hey Daddy,” she says.

 She’s so young, so innocent. She doesn’t deserve to suffer this cruelty. 

“Hey, sweetheart,” I began. “That must've been pretty scary,  seeing your dad and Kasie on the floor like that, huh?”

Tori just nods in response. I don’t want to be having this conversation. I don’t want this moment, this day, these past few months without Breena  to be real. But I also know that I have to keep going, that I have to keep talking, that I have to carry this conversation for Tori. Always for Victoria Dorea Elizabeth Palmer. 

“Honey, you can ask me anything, and I promise...  I'll be honest with you,” I tell her through labored breaths.

“Are you going to die?” She asks, getting straight to the point. 

“Yes. And so are you someday,” I say simply

“Everyone dies,” Tori replies

“That's right. Everyone dies. Remember the Tale of Three Brothers?” I ask

“Of course I do, it’s my favorite tale by the Beatle and the Bard. Death even collected the third brother in the end. They greeted each other like old friends,” Tori tells me.

“That’s right. And since everyone dies, what's important is not how we die…” I begin before the blood takes my breath away again and I start coughing harder than ever. But I still try to push through. “It is not how we die… it’s how we live that’s important. Do you… do you remember Mr. Rogers?”

“Yeah. I love that movie,” says Tori

“Do you remember how he told us to look for the helpers? There are people out there that live their life like that,” I tell her.

“As helpers,” Tori confirms. 

I've been blessed with many helpers in my life. First I had Hermione. Then Ron, Fred, George and their parents. I had Uncle Remus and Tonks.. I had Dobby. I had Hedwig. I had Hagrid, McGonagall and Flitwick. I had my other friends including Neville and Luna. I had Ginny and Breena. 

So many of my helpers are gone now. Some went off to help others who needed them, some took their deserved rest beyond the veil. Without my helpers, I wouldn't be alive right now. Without them I wouldn't have Tori. And the sad thing is, I don't think they knew how much they helped me. I don't think they knew how much good they did by just being themselves. I don't think they knew how much they were needed. After the war, I remembered to thank whoever I could, but most of the thanks were given by sending flowers, or socks in Dobby’s case, to graveyards. I learned to thank my helpers. To give flowers to people not leave them at graveyards if I could help it. I just hope Tori has plenty of helpers. No, I know she has helpers already. 

“ Honey, there are helpers in this world…that will look out for you  for the rest of your life. I didn't have parents to help me learn how the world worked, but I did have helpers. You know that lady who sends us fudge and homemade sweaters every Christmas? That's Molly and she was my chosen mother. She took me in, her kid's friend, and tried to protect me as best she could. I was one of hers. You will have helpers if anything happens to me, you have helpers now,” I tell her. 

The helpers, the team, better look out for my baby girl once I'm gone. I hope nobody pulls a Sirius. I love him, but he did choose revenge over taking care of me.  I hope they choose Tori, and not vengeance if it ever comes down to it. I strongly believe that she will at least have her Grand-Ducky and Uncle Nick. Torres makes time for her no matter what. He doesn't have to, but he wants to be there for her on their Saturdays. 

“So open your eyes. Look for your helpers.  They're out there.  They're doing what's right.  Some helpers you've known your whole life, and some are new to you.  The trait that they share is that they always make things better if they can. Being a helper is a lot of work, but being a helper is an important job. ” I continue. 

I've always tried to be a helper. I was there for my friends when they needed me. I fought for what was right, never what was easy. It is hard to be a helper, the world will be against you. The government hated me, they didn't want to change. They didn't want to admit their faults. But while Luna helped the animals and Neville saved the plants, Hermione and I always fought for the people who needed a voice. While I might just be a medical examiner now and not Harry Potter the Savior, I still do what I can. It's just now I bring justice to the dead instead of the living. I fight for those who can no longer fight for themselves. I'm a helper for the dead and when I have time, I help the living. But have I done enough? 

“And helping people can be hard. It's filled with tough decisions. But it's those hard times that make you realize what's important… And someday you are going to be an amazing helper, Victoria Dorea Elizabeth Palmer,” I say

I'm just sad that I won't be able to see how amazing she will be. I'm sad that I won't be able to be there to celebrate her wins with her. That I won't be there to remind her that she is awesome and she will be awesome. She will be a helper, I have no doubt about that. She already has a strong sense of justice and good morals. She already asks to help when she can. Breena and I have raised an amazing little girl and I’m a bit disappointed that I won't also get the chance to see her be an amazing woman. Am I cursed to never see any of my children grow into adults? 

“Honey, what's important is being a helper. It's not about how we die, but how we live,” I reiterate. 

I groan softly in pain before I fall into another coughing fit. I don't think I can talk anymore. I wish I had words left, but my body says that I've surpassed my word count. I wish I could tell her that she's amazing and how she's everything to me. But I don't even know how I would start if I had the chance. I wish I could tell her I love her one last time.  However, I am satisfied if I have already said my last words. I've reminded my daughter to live well and she knows I love her. That's all that matters. 

“Go and rest now, Daddy.  You, too, Aunt Kasie. I love you both,” Tori says

I just keep coughing and mouth “I love you,” to my daughter. I don't have enough air to make it audible, but I think Tori got the message anyway. 

I really want a hug so I wander over to Kasie and put my arms around her. I’m not alone in this death, Kase and I are in this together. 

“Hey Kase,” I whisper in her ear at a barely audible volume. 

“Yeah, buddy?” Kasie replies. 

“I’m really sorry I yelled at you earlier,” I whisper

I don't want to die, but I especially don't want to die with regrets. If I die and she lives, I don't want the last conversation that we ever have to be a fight. 

“Me too, buddy”she says. 

That is the last thing said in the lab. We just sit in silence in each other's arms waiting for the end. I don't have any fight left in me.

Fortunately, I didn't need to fight, my helpers were there to save the day again. The team found the antidote and people in Hazmat suits came rushing towards the lab. Torres and Victoria were sent upstairs to be safe while the CDC people opened the door and administered the antidote. 

I'll live to spend another day with my daughter. I finally allow myself to close my eyes and rest. I have a wonderful dream. I don't remember much, but I remember being happy. And I remember seeing Ginny and Breena laughing together as Albus, James and Lily play in the most beautiful place Ive ever seen. They will be okay, they have each other. I'll be okay, I have Tori and the team.I’ll join my wives and children one day, but not today. Today I have a kid who needs me and a killer to catch. Today, the world still needs me to be a helper.