Keep Going
Once again we tune in to the middle of the conversation.
“It's okay. It just happens way too much. Grown-ups don't need to hide everything from their kids. Well, some things are just for grownups, and not meant for kids to know. But today, everyone is trying to hide everything from me,” says Tori.
When I was a kid, I hated that everyone kept things from me. They didn't let me join the Order even though I was Voldemort’s top target. This lack of information led me to doing things that I regret, like going to save Sirius when he wasn't in trouble. I got him killed because I didn't have information. However, as I've gotten older I've come to understand why Momma Molly was so insistent in keeping us in the dark. To her I was just a boy living in a man’s world. Just a boy at the start, they lent on like a man. Molly was one of the only ones that ever treated me like the kid I physically was. She wanted to preserve my childhood and whatever innocence I had left. War isn't for kids, and Molly didn't want her kids, including me, to become child soldiers if she could help it.
What she didn't understand back then, was that I never had much of a chance to be a kid. She didn't understand that the end of my youth was when Cedric died and the pain started taking over. I was lost in my teens, but I always pretended that I was fine. All my ups led to falls that led to trying to end my life. I think Molly tried to keep me from falling into hopelessness and despair by keeping information from me. I couldn't save everyone and she knew that I took every death and injury to heart so she kept that information from me. But Tori is right, adults don't need to keep everything from their kids, as they probably know anyway or at least will find out. I know I always appreciated being told rather than finding out on my own in bad circumstances. But Tori is right, some things are only for grown-ups, I didn't know that at her age.
“You think so?” Torres asks Victoria
“Uncle Tim wouldn't say "dead body" in front of me. And I know you guys aren't
telling me everything about Dad and Kasie” Tori further explains
“Look, they're gonna be fine. You have to trust me, and you have to believe it,” Torres says while putting his hand on her shoulder.
“That's what I miss about Mom. She didn't try to make things. seem okay if they weren't. She always told the truth, even if it was hard,” Tori quietly admits
I miss that about her to. Breena and I are both pretty big on honesty. I'm a terrible lier, probably because Umbridge made me carve a vow in blood saying that I mustn't tell lies. But Breena was also always better at saying the hard truths. Sometimes I think that Breena would have been much better at this whole single-parenting thing.
“I know you miss her,” Torres says
But then Victoria admits something even more surprising, “I miss my dad,” she said
She said she misses me even more than her dead mother. Have I made her an orphan before even dying? Have I accidentally created distance in grief that I didn't even realize was there? I've tried to be home and there for her more consistently but I guess that after all these years I am still able to be changed by grief.
Or, you know, how Dad used to be. He's with me all the time, but he's different. A lot quieter. He asks me about my feelings, but he definitely doesn't talk to me about his,” Victoria elaborates
Maybe I need to open up to her more, but I also don't want any of my darkness spilling over. She doesn't need to know that after Breena died that her Aunt Hermione came over and confiscated my razor and all the sharp knives as a precaution. She doesn't need to know that I've wanted to drown myself in alcohol after over a decade of being sober. I can tell her I’m sad but how can I ever word the depths of my depression without scaring her?I’ve never been good at talking about my feelings. I've always been more of a silent type, and my therapist has spent many long hours trying to get me to open up more. I know that grief and loss is all part of life, but I can't help but feel low. Time and some medication has helped me carry the weight of losing the love of my life again, but honestly I still feel like everything falling apart. I guess when love is real, there's never closure.
“Vic, he's doing his best. And trust me, not everyone gets a dad like yours,” says Torres
That's true. I never really had a dad, just an Uncle Vernon, until I went to Hogwarts. But even then I mostly had uncles until I started getting close to Arthur. But it still wasn't the same. I wonder what Torres' family life was like as he sounds like he was talking from experience. He cut everyone off when he went undercover, I could have seen myself going down a similar path without my Weasleys.
“I mean, he's... he's the best I've ever been around. I just wish Mom was here to talk to him. When my angel fish died, she told me it was okay to let go, and still hold on. My dad is really good at the holding-on part, but not so good at letting go,” Tori tells Nick
Breena was always better at advice. I could pass on advice from Dumbledore or Luna, but Breena was always better at hard talks. I’ve always been someone who holds on when I should be letting go. I just don't know if I can ever just let it go. How can I let her go?
“I'm so sorry that the two of you have had... the year you've had,” says Torres
“It’s okay Uncle Nick, dad’s just stuck. He'll get himself unstuck, because he loves me. My dad will always keep going,” Says Victoria
Keep going. We always keep going. I remember that case seven or so years ago where I said that exact thing to a kid who was going to commit suicide. If the sun is going to come up tomorrow, I might as well show up too. But things have also changed since then. I ran up to that roof without thinking, but I didn't leave when I was up there because someone needed me and I thought that if something happened to me that my family might have been better off without me. But I kept going and that kid I saved, Ryan, he's a father now himself and we still keep in contact. I love Victoria and she is convinced that love can save the day. That love is the power that he knows not. That love will save me like the kindness of a stranger saved Ryan. But what if love isn't enough this time?
I suppress bloody coughs and smile at my daughter. She loves me and I’ve made a difference in her life. I'm light headed and since im supposed to rest I just let sleep take me. Blood still is finding its way out of my body, but I drift off into a world where there is no pain. I drift into a world with Breena that feels like coming home.
“You need to open your eyes, Jimmy,” says Breena.
But I don't want to. I'm comfortable and at home in her arms. I want Breena.
“You need to move, Jimmy.” she orders
I want to, but It's been a long year and we're barely even halfway there. The years been hard and I miss my Breena.
“You need to move right now so I know your alive.” Says Dream Breena and Carol in reality.
I hoot up off the floor with the gasp like after a bad nightmare. It was a pleasant dream but my lungs can't get enough air. I'm on the floor coughing up blood. Kasie is also on the floor in a pool of blood.
“Jimmy, you passed out. You both did. You need to keep breathing,” says Carol.
My lungs protest the breathing part, but I can keep going. I need to keep going for my daughter who is frantically knocking on the glass walls harder than Dudley did on the snake enclosure that one time we went to the zoo. I can keep going for Tori, I’ll keep holding on for her, just taking it seconds at a time.