A Place To Run With You
It was New Years Eve and for a posh boy, Sirius felt very much at home in Twelve. The past few months had seemed to pass in a blur, the chemtrails of summer melting into a freezing winter that had Sirius huddling for warmth with James and Remus in the evenings, tugging the jacket James had been kind enough to procure for him tight around his shoulders. In the wee hours of the morning, he crept outside to hunt with Remus until the sun bore down hot enough, even in the winter, to drench them both in sweat and force their breath into short sharp puffs. They returned into the district and hustled around, making trades and sweetening deals. Food mostly, supplies where they needed them but Mrs. Potter always had a work around buying new things. Your shoes are broken, I'll stitch them up and glue on the soles. James glasses were broken again, nothing a bit of tape couldn't fix. Sirius needed clothes, she could restitch the sheet Remus had stolen off some merchant's washing line.
It was a dreadful way of life and truly horrifying that they needed to do such things.
But they got by.
'Posh boy' didn't go away any time soon. Sirius was still dealing with the unfortunate nickname many months later from almost everyone in Twelve who knew who he was. Even James sometimes slipped up and shot him an apologetic grin as Remus cackled to himself. And there weren't many people in Twelve who liked Sirius. Mostly, people thought him a stuck up rich prick who was probably waiting for any opportunity to expose them for every single thing they did. There was a general mistrust of anything Capitol. And Sirius didn't blame them for that, especially given the way he saw Peacekeepers treating district citizens who had done absolutely nothing wrong. But there were a group of a few people who loved Sirius more than he thought anyone had ever loved him.
And as December rolled around and frost began gathering across windowsills and ice made the roads a slippery path to a certain death, Sirius found himself very much at home.
One night in mid September, Sirius had tossed restlessly in his bed, unable to shake thoughts that lingered like dark storm clouds at the back of his mind. He tried his hardest to be still, all too aware of James beside him in the dark, also shivering in the autumn breeze blowing through the house and clinging tightly to the threadbare sheet they shared. But Sirius couldn't be still, as was so often when his mind began to race, his hands searched for a similar entertainment as the thoughts playing on repeat in his mind. Usually, Sirius would cross the room and climb into his brother's bed, pulling him close and twirling his hair until he could convince himself his baby brother was safe and okay. He could do no such thing now and had no such reassurance that his fears were irrational. He lay very much awake knowing the very real danger he had put Reggie in.
"Mate, are you havin nightmares or just squirmin for no reason."
Sirius fell still, a fresh type of more tangible guilt flooding him. "Sorry. Didn't mean to wake you."
James rolled to face Sirius and pulled the blanket tighter around them. "Ya didn't. Wanna tell me what's on yer mind?"
Sirius took a moment because he didn't, but then tears pricked at his cheeks and he realised he felt like crying.
"Erm nothing. It's just, my brother."
"You have a brother?" James asked sleepily, rubbing his eyes and sitting up a little.
"Had," Sirius said, so quietly it was barely audible. Barely admitted.
"Had? What happened to him?"
"Nothin. Nothing. I just, I don't think he's my brother anymore."
"He's still in the Capitol huh."
Sirius nodded, feeling his chest tighten at the admission of it all. He wished he could curl into James and twirl his hair and tell him everything. But James didn't want to hear that, and they both needed sleep.
"Well good for him I guess. Lucky boy."
Sirius sighed, wondering how on earth to explain to James Potter that wasn't the case.
"He's not lucky. He's a coward." The words that came out hardly reflected what was inside. But they got James interested enough to keep asking questions, so that Sirius could tell him more.
"Coward why a coward?"
"The rally that got me sent here. I offered for him to come but he didn't. He was too scared of getting in trouble. So scared that he- Instead he- he..." Sirius knew what he had done. It hadn't been hard to figure out. He had told Walburga. He must have. But he couldn't say that out loud because he couldn't explain how he knew without sounding like a lunatic.
"Well coward or not, he's chilling in the Capitol and you can't sleep because your hungry, have been for three days and your bed is a lumpy mattress on the floor."
Sirius would have laughed if he didn't know for a fact that Regulus also couldn't sleep, for entirely different reasons except that he might also be hungry.
"The Capitol isn't all luxury and lavish lifestyle," Sirius muttered, "Not for everyone."
James glanced sideways at him and raised his eyebrows. Sirius sighed, he didn't have the energy to explain.
"That's what Remus always says," James said, turning back to stare at the ceiling, "He says the whole of Panem is a shithole. And the Capitol are just lucky enough to be in charge of it. Doesn't mean they escape it."
Sirius frowned, James words had confirmed a theory he had been harboring since the day he met Remus.
"Lupin used to live in the Capitol then?"
James took a deep breath and exhaled it in a sigh, vaguely shaking his head, "It's really not my place to say mate. He doesn't talk about- It's just not my story to tell."
Sirius found he didn't have much to say after that, all the unspoken things burned on his tongue, all the things he didn't have the courage to say out loud.
"Try to get some sleep mate."
And again, Sirius said nothing. James feel asleep only a few minutes after that. Sirius stayed awake until he could no longer keep his eyes open against the intrusive thoughts, and let them consume him in a wave of nightmares.
But that suppressing of everything they were feeling had long since past with Sirius and James. They stayed up hours at night, unable to sleep just talking until they passed out in each others arms. James told him about Remus, and how his mother had adopted him after he'd ran away from abusive community housing, he talked about his father who had died of some odd disease no-one would treat him for, prompting his mother to become a healer. Sirius told him about his own father running away to live with some other woman when he was five, he barely scratched the surface of his mother, but it felt good to tell someone it all the same. Him and Regulus always worked on mutual understanding, innuendos. Neither of them had actually ever said, 'abuse'. It felt good. Although, he felt a gnawing guilt of sort, though he wasn't sure who he was letting down, that he had excluded all the nastiest things. He hadn't realised how little he wanted to think about some memories of his mother until he was spewing his life story and those words died in his throat. Still, James was incredible. He was joking and fun, but incredibly serious when the situation demanded it. He had a big heart, and his love seemed to extend to everyone, even people who hated him. Well, except Severus Snape. Sirius knew nothing about him, but he was the one person who James spoke about in a truly foul tone. Sirius and James got on. They spent Sundays, lounging in each other's company and it was in James' friendship that Sirius found his first little bubble of happiness. But by December, James felt far more like a brother than a friend. Which didn't help the incessant guilt eating away at Sirius about abandoning his real brother.
But as the weeks went on, Sirius found thoughts of Regulus slip further back into shadowed corners of his mind, where he could mostly ignore them. His thoughts were too busy being overwhelmed by a harrowing intrigue developing like a baby in Sirius' brain. Remus Lupin. He was fascinated by the boy, by his grumpy mysterious nature and all his secrets. He was like a puzzle waiting to be solved. It got to the point where he found himself constantly thinking about him.
The mild obsession, started in the week he arrived, when Remus woke him from an incredibly disrupted sleep, before dawn had cracked and the dark out still felt cold and damp.
He'd dragged him out of bed and hurried him out of the house, leading him down the streets and up the hill to the meadow.
"What're we doing Lupin?" Sirius had grumbled.
"Huntin." Remus had grumbled back, "Shut-up and follow my lead."
They ducked through a gap in the not-so-electric electric fence and continued into the forest. It was an odd environment and Sirius had certainly never seen anything like it. The not-quite-right chirping of birds melted into the far off sound of rushing water and a thick humidity hung in the air. Tall weeping trees adorned with vines and bugs and birds created a veritable maze of navigational nightmares. Remus seemed to know exactly where he was going.
They trekked all the way to a lake, next to which was a small cabin. Remus retrieved a bow and a sack looking thing from it with a grin at Sirius. They headed a lot further back the other way before Remus settled on a clearing to teach Sirius to shoot a bow.
They spent a rather enjoyable morning there. Or at least, Sirius thought it was enjoyable. Remus kept getting angry and grabbing the bow off Sirius in utter frustration at his incompetence. Turned out hunting was more than just reflexes. Sirius found this incredibly funny which only made Remus even more pissed off.
Still, after a few hours, Sirius was really getting the hang of it and Remus said he had natural aim. Eventually, Remus told Sirius to simply trail him and watch as he hunted and he was really quite remarkable at it. Sirius tried to pay attention to what he was actually doing, but he couldn't figure any of it out. Remus just seemed natural at it, like he was dancing, something perfectly choreographed that he knew how to do without a thought but when Sirius tried it was like a clown tripping drunkenly across a stage and although he enjoyed the feeling of strength and power that came with holding and shooting a bow, he didn't think it was something he was ever going to be good at.
But besides the actual hunting aspect, Sirius found he very much enjoyed Remus' company. He was rude and incredibly blunt as well as sarcastically insinuating at times. He went along with Sirius' jokes with rolled eyes. He laughed by snorting or simply making a sort of 'HA' noise. He was mostly sullen but occasionally he cracked a smile, eyes twinkling and the scars on his face, wrinkling with his dimples. Sirius watched him like Remus watched deer before he shot at them, with a sort of precise purpose, though he wasn't quite sure what it was. Remus didn't seem to share his admiration certainly.
Still, for several days he trailed Remus around like a wounded puppy, watching how he hunted and traded and negotiated deals with people. He was definitely scary but he wasn't particularly friendly. Most of the time, the deals fell short. That was where Sirius saw his opportunity. He did get better at hunting. Remus was more patient a teacher in the afternoon, when there wasn't any pressure on how much they needed to catch and Sirius gradually improved. He was still nowhere near as good as Remus and he hardly ever caught anything, but at least he wasn't a nuisance.
What he was good at, far better than Remus in fact, was negotiating deals. After a few weeks, he almost entirely took over trading in the hob and with the merchants that had been buying from Remus. He managed to sweeten deals and talk people round, Remus complimented him on it a few times and Sirius felt like he might die under the weight of Remus' admiration. Instead of admitting that, he teased that he was making Remus a softy. Which only made the other boy roll his eyes.
Mary McDonald also joined them on their little hunting escapades sometimes. Apparently, she was part of a group of travelers called The Covey who lived in the forest.
"Well, we used to be travelers," she had explained to Sirius when he had asked how exactly she kept appearing out of nowhere, "But ages ago the Capitol decided we were a threat. And well we happened to be in Twelve at the time so, we got stuck here. Still, we don't really identify with the districts. Any of 'em. A while back, the government tried to eradicate us but the thing is, we ain't a group of people, we're an idea. An idea of hope and art and love. And you can't get rid o' that. Cos there's always people who are born with ideas. A lot of the culture of The Covey mighta' been lost. But the idea sure wasn't."
Sirius liked listening to Mary talk. She had one of the most classic accents of Twelve and she always spoke through a smile. Besides that, she always had so many stories to tell. Even if they were just myth and folktale, they were the next best thing to books, of which district twelve had none. But something he couldn't help but notice was that she talked about Lily Evans. A lot.
"Lily used to come hunting. Apparently she can't no more. Too closely watched or whatever. Damn shame. Don't you think Lupin? I mean she was the best out of all of us."
"Well I dunno about out of all of us..." Remus piped up.
Mary laughed, "Didn't mean to bruise your ego Lupin. I just wish she'd come back to the woods. She loves it here. Can't stay cooped up in that lil village of hers forever can she."
"She'll come back," Remus assured her, "After the next games when the focus moves away from her again."
"I know. I know. I'm just so damn worried 'bout her."
When Sirius asked, Remus said they were just really good friends. Which didn't bode well for the question Sirius really wanted to ask Lupin.
Because he figured out why he was so obsessed with him. The unfortunate truth was that Sirius liked Remus. The way James liked Lily. The way Lily was supposed to like Snape and the way, he was quite sure, Mary liked Lily.
He wanted to ask James about the idea of homosexuality in the districts but he couldn't bring himself to. The unfortunate truth was settled all around him. He'd been here months now. He still hadn't seen a family with two men, or two women. He still hadn't seen anyone that wasn't dressed to a perfect stereotype of man, or woman. The gender binary, and the gender roles they encompassed seemed very prevalent here in a way they absolutely weren't in the Capitol. It made him feel ill. Because he didn't fit into that binary, he had no place in a society built around gender roles. He thought about Remus and himself, out in the woods when others had gender based assigned roles in the coalmines. Perhaps he was exactly where the binary wasn't. Perhaps he had gravitated towards exactly where he belonged. Still, he couldn't bring himself to tell Remus about any of this. He just watched him, hunting and gathering and trading, laughing and smiling and rolling his eyes. He wondered if Mary was doing the same. Admiring her friend in far more than a friendly way, from a distance out of uncertainty, fear of the consequences if she was wrong.
But Sirius had decided to like Mary, and the more he thought about it, the more time he spent with Mary, the more sure he was that her and Lily were more than friends. Everyone he asked said they had been friends since they were little kids. But Sirius saw the way Mary smiled at her, the hesitance in Lily's eyes as she returned it. The longing gazes Mary so often directed at her as she sung her songs. The way they danced when Mary finished her set. More than once he had caught them dashing out of the bar, holding hands and giggling in that incessant way girls did when nothing was actually funny at all. He'd never been to the outskirts of Twelve where the gates to the victor's village loomed in the distance but he had often seen the two of them headed that way together.
Although, Lily was supposedly married to this greasy twat Severus. Sirius, hadn't actually met him. He had only heard about him through what he suspected were slightly stretched stories of James, who had a huge crush on Lily Evans and was absolutely sure at any moment she would realise she was madly in love with him. Sirius didn't have the heart to tell him she was probably a lesbian.
Still, the conspirative tone Mary spoke about Severus in was similar to the way Regulus talked about his friends parents. Which to Sirius, meant he was probably abusive. Even if he wasn't, they didn't seem particularly happy. And Sirius had decided to hate him.
Not that he liked Evans. He had decided to dislike her too. Thought, perhaps not with as rigorous a passion because everyone around him seemed to love her. There was a general consensus that Lily was the kindest, most empathetic person to ever come back from the games. Apparently, she was giving, and sweet and always said exactly what you needed to hear. Everyone in twelve loved her. Sirius didn't because he didn't see any of what everyone was on about. For some reason, she had decided to hate him.
One Sunday in mid-September, she had decided to destroy all the fragile peace he held so dear.
"You're a stupid posh twat who doesn't understand anything about what life means for district people," she ranted at him one particular Sunday morning as they all milled out of the church, where they held Sunday school and onto the streets of the fancier part of Twelve.
"Well I am a district person now," he said, trying to turn away from her but being trapped in by James, thrilled by the attention Evans was giving them. Sirius didn't have the heart to tell him she was only giving him attention and only out of rage.
She actually laughed at that which made Sirius' self-righteous anger bristle.
"Right. Little Mr Captiol accent who still doesn't understand why everyone hates him," she snaped, rounding on him.
"I know why everyone hates me!" Sirius huffed, "I just think it's unfair."
"Unfair?" She wasn't shouting now. Which Sirius knew from a few fights with her was objectively worse, "Unfair that we don't want to listen to the accent we associate with Hunger Games season? Unfair that we mistrust anything and anyone from the Capitol when nothing that has come on one of those shiny trains has ever caused anything but pain and suffering? Unfair that we don't like your privileged ass? I'll tell you what's unfair, posh boy! It's unfair that we suffer here in the districts while the Capitol lounges around in luxury carved from our overworked asses. It's unfair that they then think they have the right to ship us off to the Capitol as children to watch us die for their entertainment and force us to watch. Mistreatment, abuse, murder. That shit's unfair. Not that no-one wants to be your friend you privileged toad!"
And then she stormed off and the peacekeepers watched her closely as the crowd parted from her way. Not even Mary went after her. No-one wanted to be associated with an outburst like that. She only wasn't flogged, if not executed, because they couldn't do that to a victor.
Mistreatment, abuse, murder. Sirius thought miserably. She was entirely right.
I'll tell you what's unfair, posh boy!
She was right. Of course she was. Sirius was still acting like a Capitol ass. As better as he had gotten. As much as everyone taught him the ways and he taught himself to blend in, he wasn't a district person. He didn't act like one. And even if he did, he didn't think like one.
Her words ran around and around his head and he couldn't seem to get them out. He moped the whole rest of the day. So much so that even Remus, King Of Moping, asked him why he was being such a downer. They were sitting in a clearing in the forest, foraging through the vines covering the forest floor for many meters around the little clearing for the berries that adorned it.
"What's bugging you?" Remus had asked, not taking his eyes off his work. Sirius looked up at him with a raised eyebrow and sighed.
"This is going to sound stupid..."
"Everything you say sounds stupid," Remus teased, "I think it's the accent."
He looked up at Sirius with a signature grin. Usually, Sirius would find this funny and good natured. Today, he found it irritating because it reminded him of Evans' cruel words. It must have shown on his face because Remus sucked in a breath and looked back down to the vines. Sirius felt immediately guilty and rushed to laugh, cringing at how forced it came out sounding.
"Yeah. Well um. I dunno. It was Evans I guess."
Remus glanced up at him, sullen expression finally twisting, eyebrows creased inwards with concern.
"That really got to you?"
Sirius shrugged, "I dunno. I guess."
Remus nodded, flicking his eyes up like they were trying to disappear into his forehead the way he did when he was thinking.
"You can't blame her for not liking you but, dunno, she is a minority I guess, most people think your fine."
Sirius forced a smile, "Yeah no I guess I just-" He let out a suffering sigh, "She's not wrong. I don't think-"
He stopped again because he didn't know how to articulate any of what he was thinking without it sounding ridiculous. Which probably meant his thoughts were ridiculous, but he still couldn't shake them.
That night, he lay awake in bed, thinking. A sort of sad had settled over him. He had identified it earlier in the night that it was a sort of mourning, for the Capitol where he had belonged and he didn't have to try hard to fit in. He was trying to remind himself that nostalgia was a bitch and he never fit in in the Capitol either but that wasn't helping because it just made him feel even more hopeless. He didn't belong anywhere. Too district for the Capitol, too Capitol for the districts. Was this really his curse? He felt like crying, but his sadness didn't last long. It never did. Eventually it gave way to anger. That was just how it went with him. But he found he didn't have anyone to be particularly angry at. Certainly not Evans, all she did was tell him words he so desperately needed to hear. So eventually, his anger found its target and the wave of self-loathing hit him like a brick wall on a highway. He was angry at himself. He was the one being a privileged toad. That was his problem. His inconvenience that he was causing for everybody else.
And his anger at himself needed a release. He needed to punch someone in the face like he usually did when he was angry. But punching himself wasn’t where his mind went.
He crept to the cupboard and pulled out Remus' butchering knife where it was stashed at the back. He carefully lifted his trouser leg, anger and loathing coursing through him with enough intensity to counteract and cancel out the horrifying fear and trauma response seizing his brain. He let the tip of the knife pierce his skin and then, before his shaking hands pulled the knife off target, he struck it down with as much force as he could put behind it, taking all his effort not to squeal as pain erupted down his leg and he abandoned the knife, allowing it to skid across the floor which made a small clattering noise. He clutched his leg as the bleeding tarted profusely. The pain was so unbelievable. He bit his lip until that was bleeding too and clenched his fist tightly around his leg. Pressure. That's what Regulus always said. Eventually he came to his senses and tied his trouser leg in a practiced fashion to be tight around the cut. He wiped the blood off the knife and stashed it back in the cupboard, finding he had far too much anxious energy to return to bed, no.
He crept out the front door before he could think better of it and began wandering. he was quite sure it was aimless. He didn't want to be anywhere he just wanted to go somewhere. He found himself hobbling with his gushing leg to the gates of the victor's village.
He'd never been that far. He certainly didn't know anyone there. He just kept thinking about Evans. Her calm demeanour as she shattered his fragile existence in the districts. He felt like crying, sobbing really. Like if he weren't so deliriously in denial, he might collapse on the gravel road and sob until the sun crept up above the horizon and the peacekeepers dragged him away. But the night was dark, and his tears were dry, so he struggled onward, hardly registering the pain in his leg, but feeling the pain in his heart as if it had been ripped in two. He made it to the victor's village and collapsed against the gates, feeling that gnawing pain in his stomach that had been common place for far too much of his life slowly return. For these past few months, it had been dulled, sometimes completely gone. But now it returned, as intense as it ever was in the Capitol. Except now, it was worse. Because it was a feeling he associated with his brother's arms and twinkling brown eyes, the fluffy sheets of his bedroom and the liberty of tearing himself apart. But now yearning for Regulus burned a hole in his heart until he couldn't breathe and the rocks of gravel dug into his legs, unfamiliar sounds berating his ears, and critical thoughts were already taking over as his fingers scrambled for a sharper rock in the gravel. He couldn't risk an infection. Mrs Potter would want to treat that and god knew she couldn't afford it. He didn't even get to hurt himself anymore. He didn't even get the one calming release from all that was building up inside of him, anger disguised as energy and not really rage. But the anger didn't last long. It never did. Not when it wasn't real and he was all alone. He felt a numbness settle over him again, as he stared out into the darkness.
Except it wasn't entirely dark. There was a flickering firelight coming from beside him. He glanced up slowly, frowning. There was a figure standing beside him, with their back against the frame of the gate that had been pushed slightly ajar. They must have come out. The light was coming from a lit cigarette between their lips and it only eluminated their face and the smoke billowing in front of it, outlined against the pearly white sliver of a moon, rising above the distant trees.
Sirius didn't move, terrified the person would see him and even more terrified of what would happen after that. He honestly had no idea.
"Well go on, go inside." came a gravelly voice, with slightly less twang to the accent than most in Twelve, "I assume you're here for a reason."
Sirius scrambled to his feet, forgetting the pain in his leg and hurrying through the gate. He continued once he was through until he was halfway down the street, surrounded by the tall magnificent buildings that adorned the street. After months now of not seeing any houses much bigger than the merchant’s bungalows, it was all rather daunting. Besides that, Sirius didn’t know which one Lily Evans lived in. And he wasn’t about to go knocking on her door because he damn well didn’t have anything to say. He didn’t even know why he was here. There were two houses with lights on, one with a low orange light in the top window and the other with bright lights streaming out of all the windows. He wondered which one belonged to the person smoking at the gate. He wondered why they were at the gate instead of in their house. Then he wondered if they even lived there or if they were just breaking in like he was. That would explain why they helped him. He sat on the side of the gutter, feeling sorry for himself again and just about made the decision to just head home when he heard screaming from the house across the road. The one with all the lights on. He couldn’t decipher the words. Only the anger with which they were shouted. Then there was a crash and a scream. Then there was quiet. Sirius found himself on his feet, wobbling slightly. His suddenly felt incredibly sick.
Then he felt his weight against a fence, the gutter beneath him once again. The silence lasted a little too long. His heart raced, his whole body burning with a reckless desire to run inside that house, to push open the door and rush to whoever had screamed. Whoever had crashed. Whoever was still silent. Still silent. Why weren’t they saying anything? Were they speaking quietly and he just couldn’t hear? Why weren’t they shouting. And although he knew it was none of his business, a thought burned in his head of what if it had gone to far. A scream, a crash and silence for a little too long. Images floated to Sirius mind and he gripped his hair, pulling it to the point where it felt like his scalp was being peeled off his skull and keeping it there until the images went away.
“Lily,” someone called loudly, their voice slightly muffled through the walls of the house.
“Just let me leave!” someone else shouted. Sirius felt the stress eating at his veins fade and he stood warily, thinking vaguely that someone was going to leave and he would be spotted. He immediately tripped and promptly threw up in someone’s garden. He found himself on his knees again, retching against the horrible taste of bile. A guilt gnawed at his emptied insides. Food was too precious to barf here.
He heard a door slam, footsteps and sniffles and then a frustrated cry into the cold night air. Then a sob.
He urged himself to get off his knees, to get up and leave before he was spotted. But he couldn’t bring himself to. All his energy drained into one finger that tapped a furious rhythm against his thigh.
“Black?”
Fuck.
He finally forced himself to get up, staggering to his feet. Lily Evans was sitting on the steps outside the house with all the lights on. Her face was red and blotchy. Her lip was bleeding. She looked completely defeated and completely horrified.
“What the fuck are you doing here?”
“You’re alive.” Sirius slurred stupidly.
Evans frowned, her eyes sweeping over him, taking him in and then darting to the bushes beside him where he had thrown up.
“You puked on my petunias.”
“These are your flowers? Why are they in the garden across the road?”
“Because no-one lives there so I decided to plant a garden.”
“Oh. Okay.”
There was a silence following that odd conversation. Then Evans glanced up at her front door and got up off the steps, “C’mon. We can’t stay here.”
Sirius followed her, though he wasn’t quite sure where they were going or why.
“Your lip,” he said as they walked.
“Your leg,” she countered so quickly that Sirius had to replay the conversation in his head.
“I take it James didn’t do that to you?” she laughed a little and Sirius frowned.
“What? No!”
“You know,” she said, her confidence seeming to surge the further they walked, “Cuts are inconvenient. They take a long time to heal. Risk of infection. Nasty business. Not worth all the follow up pain.”
Sirius frowned, not liking where this conversation was going, “Yeah well. I didn’t think.” He muttered, “That shit ain’t a problem in the Capitol you know.”
She nodded but said nothing. Sirius thought she would jump on the opportunity.
They went out of the Victor’s village. Evans dismissed the concern of the figure at the gate who apparently knew her.
“That bastard. Are you okay?”
“I’m fine Everdeen.”
“I’ll kill him. You just give me the word. I’ll kill him.”
“Don’t kill anyone. Leave the gate open for me?”
“You at least gonna leave his ass?”
They continued past the village, properly into the outskirts of Twelve, abandoned coal mines littered here and there amongst fields of gravel and struggling grass. Evans reached into her pocket as they walked and pulled out what looked vaguely like a cigarette lighter. She handed it to him and he took it carefully, frowning at her.
“Use that instead. Burns heal quicker and they get infected less. Besides that, there’s a lot of pain before you actually get a burn anyway.”
They arrived at another ‘electric fence’ with a massive hole in it that Evans didn’t seem at all concerned in ducking through. Sirius followed her into the woods.
“Don’t you need this?” Sirius asked as he tucked the lighter into his pocket.
“Nah. Keep it. Everdeen’s got heaps and she’s always giving them to me.”
They made their way further into the woods than Sirius thought was really safe at this time of night but he wasn’t about to raise that with Lily Fucking Evans.
They sat in a hollow under a large tree and for several minutes, they just sat. Evans stared up at the stars, Sirius glanced awkwardly around the forest.
Then, finally, she spoke.
"Do you wanna talk about what made you turn up in the Victor’s village in the middle of the night?" she asked him, anger perfectly clear in her calm level voice.
"Not particularly."
"Why not?" she continued, leaving Sirius no time to mope about his answer before her response.
"It makes me sound like a pussy," Sirius answered honestly, glancing up at Evans with a sheepish expression
She paused for a moment then nodded thoughtfully, "What was it bout what I said."
"You're very perceptive." Sirius would have laughed if he didn't feel like dying.
"Right. I throw a stream of insults at you this afternoon and tonight you show up at my door after having sliced yourself. Maybe those two things are related. How perceptive of me."
Sirius held her gaze for a moment, his insides curling into a ball in his stomach. He thought he might throw up. "That you're right." Sirius paused a moment, waiting for her remark. But it didn't come and he glanced up to see her frowning at him. He fidgeted incessantly, his hands finding sticks and leaves to pick apart, "Honestly," he continued, still trembling, "That you're entirely right. That no matter how hard I try, I will always be a dude from the Captiol. And I know it sounds stupid but," he sighed, "When I found out what would happen to me, I was secretly thrilled," he glanced up at Lily Evans, wondering why the hell she was the first person he was telling about this, "I thought I'd finally belong here, that there would be people who thought like me but, now I just feel lost and caught. Too District for the Capitol, too Capitol for the District. And I-" he looked up, pausing his rant to check if she still wanted to hear it but she was nodding thoughtfully at him, urging him to continue, "I guess you're right. I've been far too blaze about something incredibly serious. The Districts are unfair and awful, even without the Games. This isn't a safe and happy home. No more than the one I left. And maybe for some people, this is a place to belong, but let's be honest. It isn't my home."
She nodded thoughtfully, staring up at the sky like she was questioning the existence of a god, "I don't hate you. You know that." She lowered her gaze to hold his hesitant eye contact, "I have nothin' against you. I dunno," she laughed, turning away again, "You just get on my nerves. Maybe its cos o' that accent. God knows I have nothin but bad memories associated with it. But I don't think you're a bad person. I don't really mean any of the things that I said. I mean I'm glad it sparked something for you I am. Some kinda relisation but- I dunno. I was just angry. I'm so angry these days. All the damn time."
Sirius didn't know what to say to that. So he was quiet.
Evans looked up at him, the moonlight illuminating her crinkled features. Her face was blotchy. Like she had already been crying for a while and tears were still falling down her cheeks, a fresh wave of sadness.
"You watched my games. Didn't you?"
Sirius felt a wave of horror as an image floated to mind of Lily, bloodied on her knees as the anthem played for the last time in the arena. He buried his head in his hands, "I didn't- I didn't want to I just- I didn't have a choice. my mother-"
"But you did," she interrupted Sirius' guilt plagued ramblings, "No-one else here did. I mean, no-one I know. Sev won't talk about it. My sister didn't watch. Mary never watches, always just hides in the woods till it's over really. And it's so, so odd. Everythin' I went through and no-one knows. No-one understands." She took a deep breath and Sirius looked up from the confines of his palms pressed into his eyes. She wasn't disgusted or angry. She was looking for a confidant.
"They were awful," he said quietly and when their gaze met next, she had a desperate sadness widening her eyes, "A veritable torture. No wonder you're scarred. What's more fucked is what comes after. The parading. Where if you pay enough attention, every single year. You can see the pain of the memories, of the forced cheer, in their eyes and their scrambling hands and their scars." he looked down at his own, scrambling hands, hoping he was making things better and not far worse, "But no-one ever pays attention. No-one ever cares. They'll feel sorry for your angst in the arena. Empty remarks of 'oh I actually feel bad for her' but no-one recognizes the, the weight of it...I think. The, the aftermath. And the way they talk about it in the Capitol, the ignorance and the casual cruelty. It's fucked. All of it. It's horrific."
He let the last of his words ring through the darkness as he sat back against the tree, breathless from his rant.
"Sorry," he said quietly, "I didn't mean to dredge all that up for you."
"No," she said quietly, her eyes returning to sit on Sirius' darting gaze, "Don't be sorry. It's dredged up every day for me by the Capitol's constant televising of it. And-" she sighed and cast her gaze back to the sky, "You're entirely right. I mean I know they're as much slaves there as we are really but it's so hard to remember when they're so...eager."
Sirius frowned, his brow creasing with intrigue. He hadn't heard anyone in Twelve talking about the Capitol that way. Not in careful words insinuating their inherently awful and evil nature. Actually caring about and recognizing, their slavery to the system. Sirius smiled a little to himself and then immediately cursed under his breath. It only took one reasonable conversation with her and already he was seeing the unrelenting kindness and compassion that so many people had told him about. Fuck Lily Evans, he thought angrily to himself, but out loud he said, "That's very perceptive of you."
Lily laughed, "Right. Everyone's fucked, not just the Districts. How very perceptive of me."
They sat in silence for several moments, the air feeling thin and fragile between them. Then Lily stood and offered a hand to Sirius, "You're not an asshole, Black."
Sirius scoffed a laugh and took her hand, "Thanks."
And then they made their way back to the district, ambling in a slightly more companionable silence than the one they had left in.
Sirius thought about that night often, the oddness of it all. The soft smiles Evans had offered him alone in the dark. So different from the snarky she usually exhibited. They still fought, often actually. The only two people in half the district that would actually speak their mind and they got into the most fearsome debates. But it was far more good natured than it had been. No-one else seemed to notice the difference, but to Sirius it was incredibly apparent. He was still fairly scared of her, and kept a safe difference but her very presence didn't make him feel like shit anymore. Something about her relative acceptance of him, made him feel very much at home. The last person hellbent on ostracizing him had finally given in.
Still, there were plenty of people who didn't like him. Peter Pettigrew was certainly one of them. James 'religious bastard' friend. Also, turned out to be a regular bastard. Well, he was the son of a whore and no-one in the district seemed to let him forget it. But he was also just an annoying prick. He was the son of a merchant which in district twelve, made him the upper class. Which meant he constantly disapproved of their illegal activity. All, what would my father think? Even thought Remus swore he'd sold to Pete's father before. He reminded Sirius of Regulus. Which only made him more pissed off because he didn't want to be reminded of Regulus.
Pete was, in summary, the biggest buzzkill since responsible service of alcohol.
Sirius had decided not to like him one Sunday afternoon when Mary had invited them to hang out at the lake in the woods with the hut beside it. Remus insisted on bringing his bow, 'just in case'. James talked excitedly the whole way about the fact that Lily Evans was going to be there. And Peter, was moaning about how they shouldn't be in the forest because what if they got caught and what if they got mauled by mutant animals and flesh-eaters.
He was utterly insufferable the entire time.
While the rest of them were laughing and swimming, chasing each other round the outskirts and eating the meal Mary and Remus scraped together for them, Pete was sitting in the hut, fretting about everything.
James insisted that he try swimming and he insisted that he didn't want to get a leech. The list went on and on and Sirius only got more annoyed the longer Pete refused to join in with the romping good fun the rest of them were having. He exchanged eyerolls with Remus, Mary and Lily on many separate occasions. Everyone except the ever openhearted James was desperate to get rid Peter and his incessant complaining. Or, at least, that was Sirius' interpretation of it.
Mary found Peter rather amusing. Remus was annoyed but mostly just wished James would stop directing so much of his attention towards him. Lily felt bad for Peter and was actually rolling her eyes at Sirius' annoyance.
But Sirius was living in a little bubble of everyone-hates-Peter-it's-not-just-me.
"Come on Pettigrew," Mary laughed, "What's the worst that could happen."
"I could get a leech. Or a tapeworm. Or an infection. Or the peacekeepers could come and find and arrest us and I could be hung all wet with a leech on my dick."
Mary cackled and dived into the lake again. Lily raised his eyebrows sceptically and Sirius rolled his eyes.
"Pete..." James started.
"Oh leave him alone Potter," Remus cut him off, "If he wants to be a buzzkill let 'im. It's not your bloody problem."
Peter started arguing angrily but James just held up his hands. He had inherited his mother's ability to end any argument with a gesture, "You don't have to swim Pete. Just come sit with us and try to enjoy yourself."
Peter made a fuss of it. But he obliged.
By late that afternoon, everyone was a little tired and hungry, considering going home, but not really bothered to move. Sirius and Remus were sitting in the grass on the side of the lake, Sirius was picking apart leaves and occasionally throwing a tease to James who was having a rather flailing conversation with Lily. Remus was silently people watching, the way he so often liked to when he was tired or there was something on his mind. Sirius didn't really have the insight to tell which it was. Especially right now, when he was really quite tired anyway. Sirius had noticed his energy waned so much quicker since moving to the districts. He was torn between blaming the diet and blaming the physically taxing activity of hunting consuming most of his days.
But it was Remus who started conversation in the end, something incredibly startling in it's rarity. Remus only started conversations with Sirius when he was in a right mood.
"Not all bad ey? Twelve. There are ya know. Good things. Like this."
Sirius grinned, "Yeah. I never had friends like you guys in the Capitol. I mean, you're incredible all of you."
Remus nodded and they both watched as Mary dragged Lily away from James' flailing and they dived into the lake together, laughing and holding each other. Sirius felt a surge of jealousy. He glanced at Remus beside him, still staring adamantly at the lake. He felt all the million things he wanted to say sitting on the tip of his tongue, burning on his lips, waiting to tumble and pour out in a wave of misguided optimism. But just before he could go through with his bad ideas, Remus spoke.
"You're great. Sirius," he looked up at Sirius with bright red cheeks and an expression that aimed for nonchalance but failed miserably, "I mean, since you arrived everything it's just been so much...brighter."
Sirius felt his own cheeks burning an embarrassing shade of red, "You flatter me Lupin," he laughed, in a tone that aimed for teasing but landed instead in cruel. His cheeks burned brighter. Fortunately, Remus didn't seem to notice the unintentional ironic twist in his words and pushed on.
"I uh- I made you this," he reached into his pocket and withdrew a chiseled piece of wood, perfectly carved into the geometric shape of a star.
Sirius grinned ear to ear, his eyes darting excitedly between Remus' scarred hands, one tucking his sunburnt blonde hair nervously behind his flushed red ears and the other outstretched, with the smooth wood resting flat in its palm.
"I- uh. Well I thought ever since I heard your name I thought. Sirius, like the star."
Sirius' flirting gaze snapped up to meet Remus' sheepish smile. No-one in Twelve knew the name of the stars. Mary had told him The Covey had their own names for the constellations and the stars they were made of. If Sirius had thought Remus had lived in the Capitol before, he was now sure of it.
"How-how do you know-?"
"And I wanted to make you something," Remus gushed on over Sirius' confusion, "Because I knew that you'd been a little uneasy recently about you know if you belong here and stuff..."
The more Remus spoke, the more Sirius felt like crying. Of course, he thought miserably, of course the sarcastic, mysterious, cute boy he'd started crushing on was also secretly a gentle sweetheart.
"I just, I wanted you to know that I- I want you here and I like you being here."
Sirius thought he might actually cry. He wanted to take Remus hand and intertwine them with the beautiful star in between. He wanted to kiss him on his beautiful lips that were pursed in mock nonchalance. He wanted to tackle him into the lake. He felt his heart drop into his stomach as Remus glanced away again.
"I mean, I didn't mean to be weird. If you don't want it..."
Sirius settled for hugging Remus, throwing his arms around him so that Remus had to throw his arm backward to stop him from ending up on his back in the grass. Still, he kept his fist clutched around the star as Sirius muttered angrily.
"Of course I want it you moron. It's beautiful!"
Remus laughed and a little of the tenseness from where Sirius had hugged him unexpectedly melted into the sweet feeling of love between them. Sirius let go quickly sitting back and Remus held out the star. Sirius took it and stared with a surreal smile. Then he looked up, allowing all his sentiment to briefly rise to the surface.
"Thankyou," he said with a grin.
Remus turned away, shrugging, "Course."
Sirius felt a slight emptiness evacuate the contents of his stomach as he recognized all Remus' defences going up again but he quickly banished it, swallowing the bile rising in his throat.
For the briefest of moments, he'd seen a sweet side of Lupin. And that would have to do him for a while longer. He ran his index finger slowly across the star, tracing the outline, feeling all the veins of the wood, thinking about Remus' strong hands with his knife, slowly scraping away, for him. Because he wanted to do something nice. Then he decided he actually didn't know anything about how chiseling worked.
Then he sat back against a nearby tree and eventually Lupin joined him, so close their shoulders were touching and Sirius was slightly leaning on him. Neither of them moved an inch. Sirius watched Mary and Lily dancing in the shallow of the lake, laughing and splashing each other. Watched as James tempted Pettigrew into the lake who defensively splashed James then hurried away giggling as James let his mouth hang open in mock outrage, splashing excessively at the shore where Pettigrew was far out of reach anyway. He allowed himself to be consumed by the scent of Remus beside him and the chattering of birds in the trees. He clutched the star tightly.
Perhaps he didn't belong here. But there were people that loved him. And people who he loved. And that was plenty enough for him.