The Stars Were A Bloody Red

Mary was beginning to feel bored.

Lily’s ginger cat was sitting on the bench, mirroring her expression in its sullen eyes. Petunia was standing behind the bench, looking freakishly similar to the cat. Mary was trying her hardest not to draw her attention to the similarities.

Lily and Severus were fighting. Well, Lily was making well-reasoned points in low tones, like a zookeeper attempting to calm a wild lion, that was roaring angrily without much cause for the emotion.

Mary flicked at her nails, stretching out as she stood. She’d had quite enough of this shit. Any longer and they’d probably be late.

“Don’t go in there,” said Petunia, in her nasty nasally sarcastic voice.

“Why ever not?” asked Mary, doubling the sarcasm by flickering her eyelids in mock sincerity.

Petunia rolled her eyes and attempted to pick up the cat which bolted for the other side of the room faster than Petunia could retract her movement like that was never her intention.

Mary rolled her eyes and turned away, storming towards the closed door muffling the sounds of Severus screaming. But before she could open it, she had to leap back to avoid it as it swung open from the inside and Lily stormed past her.

Petunia gave her a skeptical look from across the room and Mary threw a disgusted expression in return and hurried after Lily, grabbing her guitar from the seat as she went. The cat immediately went to nuzzle at Lily’s ankles and she gave it a quick pat behind the ear, nowhere near the good five minutes she’d usually spend giving Crookshanks her undivided love and attention. Back when they were dating, Mary always felt like she had to compete with the furry old bastard. She felt a gnawing pain as a horribly self-deprecating thought flooded her mind. At least now, she knew Lily loved the cat more than her.

She followed Lily out the door and down the street. It wasn’t until they were firmly on the other side of the gate to the Victor’s village that Lily pressed her back against it and slid down to the ground. Her jumper caught on one of the spikes, exposing her back with its thin white line. A scar from the games, Mary knew although she had no idea how Lily had gotten it.

She went to sit beside her, sliding a hand across her back with a laugh as she lowered the jumper for her. Lily laughed too, although she jumped at the cold of Mary’s hand.

They sat in silence for a few moments. Lily sobbing like she was crying but no tears came down her cheeks. Mary wished she could say something but she couldn’t find a single thing to say that wouldn’t incite the same argument they’d had a hundred times.

‘He’s an asshole’. ‘No he’s not’.

‘But he hurts you’. ‘He’s sweet really.’

‘You should leave him’. ‘But I can’t.’

“What now?”

Lily sighed, “He didn’t want me to go.”

“Of course he didn’t.”

“He’s just worried!”

Mary scoffed and rolled her eyes, “Stop making fucking excuses for him and-”

“I’m not making excuses. Mary if we got found, we’d all be executed, he has a right to be worried.”

“That doesn’t mean he has to take it out on you!”

“He wasn’t he was just-”

“Screaming at you?”

“Fuck off Mary! It’s my marriage and not your business!” Lily tried to get to her feet but got her jumper caught again, cried in frustration and slumped back onto the ground. Mary kept her gaze fixed on the ground until she felt Lily’s head slump onto her shoulder. Then she wrapped her arms around her and held her close as she cried, sobbing into the fabric of the jumper she let Mary borrow. Mary pressed gentle kisses into her hair, holding her tight and making silent promises never to let her go.

“I wish I didn’t need to have a husband,” Lily muttered when finally her tears subsided.

Mary nodded and muttered, “Yeah I know.”

And then, after a few moments of psyching herself up she added, “I wish I could be your husband instead.”

That seemed to make Lily collapse even further into her arms and Mary didn’t know whether to regret it or not. If Lily was going to collapse, she would much rather she be collapsing into her arms than anywhere else.

“Me too,” Lily said, so quietly it was barely audible.

Then she looked up at Mary, face blotchy from tears and for a moment, she smiled. Mary leaned her head down to kiss her on the cheek. Lily froze and Mary felt regret push her back into silence. But then Lily relaxed a little again and for a moment, just the briefest of moments, everything felt right. The two of them, and their love against the rest of the big scary world. The way it had been. The way it should be.

Lily felt like dying.

It wasn’t that uncommon a feeling these days. The sort of hollow fragility that had made itself comfortable in her chest since the day the games ended. Or perhaps, the day they started. She wasn’t quite sure. She sat at the bar feeling empty and wishing the burning whiskey would fill her. It only made her cough and feel even more like crying. She didn’t want to be here. Not really. The intense feeling of too may people and in too small a space, heat and noise pulsating around the walls. It made her claustrophobic. She was here because of two people she loved. Mary, who had told her it’d be good to get out of the house and do something normal. And Severus who she needed to be away from for once. She didn’t feel normal. She felt like a stranger living in her own skin, pretending to do the things she used to do. The familiarity waged war against her experiences in her mind and evened out to make everything feel foreign. It was almost worse that it should have felt normal. Good, even.

The thought of Severus seemed to make her whiskey burn a second time, now in her stomach. She didn’t have the energy to feel so hopeless as she did whenever she thought about that situation. She had only married him, at the beginning of last year, to save her and her sister from community housing. Their mother’s death had been a long time coming. She had been ill for months when Lily went running to Severus, crying about the prospect of community housing. They had been just good friends at the time and he had never been anything but kind. So when he offered to marry her, so that she and her sister, could move in with him, it had seemed like the perfect option.

Now she was stuck in a fancy house, with a asshole of a husband who she couldn’t leave and she wasn’t even sure if she regretted her decision. Was it better than community housing? It certainly was for Petunia, who almost never copped the slight of his anger. That was what kept Lily going. As long as Petunia was happy, Sev was just an unfortunate obstacle to life.

But then there was Mary. Wonderful, kind, beautiful Mary who seemed to stop at nothing to make sure Lily got the best of the best from life, to ensure her happiness above all else. And Lily was so hopelessly in love with her. It hurt. But she couldn’t be with Mary any more than she could leave Severus. Before the games, these things sort of cancelled each other out. She couldn’t leave her husband, so she found refuge in the arms of a secret girlfriend. It worked. But now, being around Mary felt wrong. Her cheerful manner, her grinning and joking and trying to make Lily feel better. Her insistence that everything would be alright eventually. Lily felt like she was a dark void, sucking up all of Mary’s energy and enthusiasm and still remaining empty and soulless. She wanted so badly to be close to Mary again. But it was like going to the bar and having a drink, and chatting and dancing. The familiarity of it all, made it feel so foreign. And it only made her feel like dying more.

“Alright Evans!”

Then there was…that.

She lifted her head up wearily, knowing damn well who she’d see, “Hi James.”

And there he was, leaning one hip on the bar, his hair as stupidly messy as ever and his glasses somehow even more broken than last she saw him.

“Hey! I haven’t seen you here in a while.”

She sighed a quiet laugh, wondering how James always managed to state things so obvious and yet do it in a way that made her question her life choices.

“Yeah well,” she turned back to the bar, “Been busy.”

“Have you seen Remus anywhere?” James asked, still enthusiastically chirping along, seemingly unaware of her apathetic disinterest.

She felt as though she sucked up Mary’s enthusiasm but James seemed to have a belligerently endless supply of it. Which was somehow worse.

“C’mon Potter, he’ll be here somewhere.”

The Capitol accent startled her before she glanced up and saw Sirius. Her heart still beat angrily in her chest but she calmed quickly, reassured that it was just him.

“You alright Evans?” James asked, frowning, “You seem a bit off.”

Lily wanted to punch him and then break down crying in his arms. It was a complicated mix of emotions. She ordered another drink.

“Fine.” But she wasn’t. And she wanted desperately for him to know that. To see that.

“Oh alright. Well we’d best go find Lupin.”

No. Stay.

“Alright.”

“Nice seeing you!”

You make me feel like I’m dying and being born again and it confuses me so much I want to murder you.

“You too.”

Then they made their way into the mob of people and Lily was left alone, with thoughts that couldn’t lead to tonight ending well. She took a large gulp of her drink.

Fuck it.

Mary felt alive.

Like her blood was coursing through her veins at twice it’s normal speed, her heart beating in time with the music. Her voice carried throughout the bar, amplified by the microphone but still burning her throat. The music wrapped around her, cocooning her in a beautiful little bubble of pure joy. The heat and intensity of a hundred people singing along to the songs she’d played before and dancing their asses off to the songs she’d only written recently. Her heart burned and tears pricked at her cheeks when she thought of the lyrics, of who they were about. She caught sight of Lily across the bar, leaning against a wall. She was smiling, watching Mary with a little tipsy smirk. But her eyelids drooped and the eyes behind them looked so full of pain. She wondered if she was listening to the lyrics, or if she was just always in pain. She didn’t know. She didn’t know Lily these days. Not like she used to.

It hurt but it felt so selfish to think. Of course she didn’t, through everything that Lily had been through. But she still felt it. It was what most of her lyrics were about these days.

I'm going down to where I thought I’d bury you

like I might find your loving there

I'm goin to the lake like we used to do

But I don't wanna be there

if I'm not there with you

She caught sight of her muse across the bar, standing near the door with her back against the wall, looking teary eyed and slightly angry but also deeply pained. Mary didn’t know if that was a good thing or not. She cast her eyes back to her guitar, trying to focus on the music.

And don’t say that you love me

If it’s not really true

And honey if you’re leavin' me

Please just say that too

She looked up again and Lily was gone. She wondered if she’d left. She wouldn’t put it past her. Lily didn’t seem capable of seeing anything through these days. Not that she blamed her. She felt a hollow in her stomach and as she continued to sing, she felt ill. All the vibrant images of happy days with Lily that her lyrics brought to mind. Perhaps Lily left because she felt that too. She hoped that was it. But somehow she was quite sure it wasn’t. Lily left because she didn’t like doing what she used to love anymore, because she wasn’t herself anymore and Mary didn’t know how to make her better and it made her feel hopeless. She loved Lily so much and she couldn’t bare to see her walk away from everything worth anything in her life. She had just about riled up enough anger by the time she spotted Sirius in the crowd, dancing with Ginny from down the road. She made up her mind. She didn’t know what was going on with Lily but clearly she didn’t want to be with Mary and she wasn’t about to sacrifice her whole life to making Lily feel better. She knew even as the thought came to her that it was horrific and demented and false. Lily did want to be with her. She knew that, she just felt for whichever of the many reasons there were, that she couldn’t be with Mary. But her deluded brain ignored that. If Lily didn’t want her then fine. She’d move right on. She finished her song and the crowd cheered and she grinned. And then everyone went back to talking and laughing and mingling. And Mary felt empty again. She couldn’t see Lily anywhere in the crowd and it made the whole night seem pointless. She moved her fingers carefully across her guitar, considering which song to play next. Then they landed on a cord that sent a jolt of something through her chest. It wasn’t quite happiness. But it wasn’t emptiness. So, she struck the chord, and then the next, and the next. It didn’t take long for everyone around to know what song she was playing and for the whispers tonight. Mary grinned, pushing Lily out of her mind. She felt alive again.

Sirius felt confusion slowly wrap its way around his booze addled brain.

A strange hush had fallen over the bar, a suffocating kind of silence that reminded Sirius of his school assembly hall when the teacher was naming students for detention. An anxious anticipation. He had been having one hell of a night. Everyone dancing and singing along to the songs they knew and swaying to the songs they didn't. Sirius appreciated the way district people danced. In the Capitol, there were two types of dancing, choreographed perfection or throwing out your limbs like you were drowning. But here, they had rhythm. They swayed and pulsed with the beat and strum of Mary's guitar, the moved with the tune of her voice. There was a throng of collective dancing without an choreography at all. Just a throng of rhythm and life. He had lost James in the crowd, which at first had made him nervous. But then he kept getting approached by people, talking to him and laughing with him. Right now, he was dancing with a brunette girl who giggled like a little kid but spoke with an oddly gravelly voice. Or at least he had been, before the strange hush fell over the bar and she wrapped her arm through his, staring up at the stage, waiting. Like everyone else, waiting. The only sound was the thrum of Mary's guitar and Sirius didn't understand.

And then she began to sing, a low gravelly sound that dragged across the room like nails down a chalkboard. But everyone began to sway again, a much slower, more somber mood.

Are you, are you? Coming to the tree.

Where they strung up a man. They say who murdered three.

Sirius frowned, still not quite understanding the silence or why such a dark and depressing song was being sung in the middle of what had otherwise been a rather upbeat evening.

Strange things did happen here. No stranger would it be.

If we met at midnight in the hanging tree.

And then there was a moment of silence, as if the entire room were waiting with bated breath, he felt as if that might be it but he couldn’t for the life of him work out what they were waiting for.

And then Mary leaned into the mike, grinning ear to ear, “Enjoy your night y’all, enjoy your life.”

And then everyone went wild, cheering so loudly Sirius couldn’t hear his own confusion. And then the tune started up again, more upbeat and far livelier and everyone started dancing once more, to and fro with the rhythm. Sirius had lost sight of the brunette and felt slightly ill, alone in the crowd. But he also felt alive, so immensely and incredibly alive.

Then he saw Mary, making eye contact with him across the bar, grinning as the strummed her guitar, not even singing as the tune was carried by everyone else, who apparently knew all the words to the many verses. Mary held out her hand and Sirius found himself climbing onto the stage, not entirely sure if that was her intention but far too high on the energy in the bar to care. Thankfully for him, it was. She took his hand and spun him immediately, pulling him into an intense and lively dance as people from the crowd cheered, and the tune of the eerie song continued in its upbeat rhythm.

He felt confusion spiraling around him like a bubble, his movements foreign, as if it weren’t his body moving the way it was. He wasn’t sure if it was more prompted than he thought it was, dancing across the stage but as Mary’s lips touched his, he absolutely panicked. Only for a few seconds, before he regained his composure and kissed her back, laughing as the crowd cheered their little hearts out. He was completely unaware that anything had been happening with Mary, but more than thrilled that it was. She pulled apart from him and grabbed the microphone singing in that beautiful clear voice of hers, “Where the dead man calls out, for his love to flee!”

The bar continued the verse while Mary went back to her guitar and Sirius just stood there, grinning like an idiot.

Remus felt anger pulsing through his veins like blood, rushing in his ears, rushing through the room, in hundreds of veins, arteries, capillaries, in dozens of bodies pushed up against each other. It wasn’t safe for him to be here.

He practically ran for the door, angry at himself that he was quite so angry about something that had nothing to do with him. Of course, Sirius should like Mary. Of course, they should snog onstage and make a big show of it. Of course, they should get together and get married and have children and of course he was an idiot for thinking that Sirius Black would ever feel a shred of the affection Remus felt for him.

He pushed the door open, greeted by a blast of cold air that calmed him more than it should as he gulped it in. It burned his throat and lungs, numbed his fingers and froze his brain. Right now, he was incredibly grateful to not be able to think clearly through the cold.

You’re getting ahead of yourself Lupin. No-one’s getting married, no-one’s having children. No-one even said he doesn’t like you back.

But he doesn’t like you back.

Remus ran his hands frustratedly across his head, clinging to fistfuls of hair as he tried desperately to calm the flurry of his self-deprecating thoughts. He stumbled further away from the bar, all too aware of how exposed he was right now. He was grateful for the meticulous sound proofing of The Steel, a pressing sort of quiet that sealed him away from the world.

He fumbled in his coat for his little cardboard box that he took everywhere. His precious hand rolled cigarettes. He took one out carefully and clamped it between his teeth, cupping his hands around it to shield the struggling flame of his lighter from the cold breeze. It took him several attempts to light it because of his impatience and shaking hands.

He immediately felt better for the comfort of his smoke though he wasn’t sure if it was because he had a nicotine addiction he most certainly couldn’t fund or because of an association that having a chance to stop and smoke meant that he was safe. It had long been the criteria by which he gauged the general danger of a situation. If he had time to smoke, it really couldn’t be that bad. And he was reassured in that fact. It couldn’t be that bad. But then he thought of Sirius again and wanted to punch something. He sucked at his cigarette desperately. They weren’t cheap to make and he certainly wasn’t going to waste it. In his mind, he watched Sirius and Mary dancing, over and over and then he thought about her kissing him, the grin on Sirius face. And then he thought about his chiselled star, still hanging around his neck. Although the other boy had no idea what it meant to Lupin.

Because to him, it had been a sign of love, not friendship. But obviously, Sirius wasn’t getting that. Because you didn’t actually tell him dumbass.

He swore again, coughing out what might have been a sob if he wasn’t so addicted to smoking. He tried to get Sirius off his mind, think about something cheery, something that had been good about the evening. But he found he couldn’t and he felt ill at the revelation of just how all-consuming his obsession was.

He thought about running off into the woods and spending the rest of the night curled up in his cave. He seriously considered it for a moment, the part of him he spent most of his life squashing down, rearing up at the prospect, his nerves tingled with excitement, hair standing on end. Instead, he took another drag of his cigarette and stared up at the sky, wishing he remembered which twinkling little star was Sirius.

Sirius, stumbled drunkenly off the stage, quietly congratulating himself on managing to not fall over, but then again, he wasn’t quite sure how he ended up on the floor. He didn’t think he’d had that much to drink. He was sure he’d had much more than that many times back home. He remembered James telling him something about district booze being stronger but he didn’t linger on the thought very long before moving on to how unfair it was that he felt quite so intoxicated. He sat, with his back against a wall, watching the world carry on around him. Mary was singing, everyone was dancing, people were laughing. James was there at one point, asking if he’d seen Remus. He said he hadn’t. Lily told him to tell Mary to go fuck herself. Sirius glanced up at her through heavy eyelids and managed to be present enough to notice she was almost as drunk as he was. He watched vaguely as Mary bid the crowd goodnight and they screamed various things at her, most of which were nice. She grinned and laughed and bowed and then hurried offstage as some other person Sirius barely knew took her place. She looked pale and exhausted. Sirius didn’t blame her; she’d been singing for quite some time.

She caught sight of him as she jumped down the stairs from the stage and laughed, setting down her guitar.

“Oh dear, posh boy. Bit of a light-weight are we?”

Sirius made a groaning noise that was meant to be indignance. And what seemed in his brain like a well-formed retort, came out as a slurred mess of cuss words. Mary laughed again and he was pretty sure she helped him to his feet. They trapsed through the bar, Mary’s guitar slung over her shoulder and her hands in his hair. They ended up in a smaller, much quieter room that was vaguely damp and smelt like rotting wood.

“C’mon,” Mary groaned, sitting Sirius down against a different wall, “Potter’s got a right handful tonight.”

“Potter!” Sirius grinned, “I like potter.”

Mary laughed, packing her guitar into its case, “Yeah, I’ve noticed. We’ve all noticed actually.”

Sirius pouted, “You know what I’ve noticed,” he taunted.

Mary rolled her eyes at him, “What.”

“You and eeeeevans.”

“Me- what?” she glanced up at him, a pure fear disguised as incredulous exasperation in her eyes, “You’re mental.”

“Hah. No, I’m not.” He laughed, waving his pointed finger lazily in her vague direction “You’ve totally got the hots for each other. Why don’t you go out? She can leave that douche-y slimeball husband of hers and marry you instead.”

Mary smiled sadly, letting out a sound that wasn’t quite a laugh, “Yeah. I wish that’s how it worked. But your drunk ass has failed to realise we’re both girls.”

Sirius wrinkled his nose, not sure if he was misunderstanding, “Of course you’re both girls. Wha- does that have to do with anything?”

“A woman can’t get married to another woman dumbass,” she said with a sigh, moving to sit next to him against the wall.

“What?” Sirius shook his head, “That’s so rubbish. Fuck the districts. Is it the same with two men?”

“Yeah. I suppose bein’ able to have kids matters when you ain’t Capitol freaks,” Mary retorted with a scoff.

Sirius grunted in disapproval, “Well you should still go out. Or is that illegal too?”

“It is. But heaps of people do it anyway. In secret and stuff. Lily and I just- haven’t clicked since she came back.” Mary sighed heavily and Sirius could tell even through the fog of his brain this was not the first time she was having this discussion, or certainly not the first time she was thinking about it, “You know, the hunger games kinda changes your relationships.”

Sirius didn’t have an answer to that, Mary was saying too many things and he didn’t have the mental capacity to figure out any of them. He leaned his head on her shoulder, finding an odd amount of comfort in her sweet smell and soft warmth.

“Well. You two are really cute together,” he teased.

“Huh. Thanks, posh boy.” She laughed, running her fingers through his hair. Then after what seemed to be a moment of consideration she added, “You won’t tell nobody will you?”

Sirius frowned, trying to work out her double negative before realising she didn’t mean it and nodding sleepily, “Of course. If that’s what you want.”

Then after a moment of carefully working through the nights events he added, “Maa-ary?”

“Yeah?” she said, her voice thick with tire.

“If you’re into Lily, how come you were snogging me?”

“What?” she retorted, her sass apparently not affected by the growing sleepiness Sirius could feel as her weight on him increased, “I ain’t allowed to be into you too?”

“Well, of course you can be. I’m mean you’re cool and all but I’m more into Remus but I can still snog you ya know but it all depends on- I guess because I mean if you like her too then you need to be snogging her as well you know and earlier this evening she said to tell you to go fuck yourself and then she stormed off and maybe she thinks you don’t like her because you’re snogging me. You know?”

“Yeah well I felt the same damn way about her bloody cat!” Mary snapped.

“What?”

She took a moment and sighed before answering, shaking her head, “Why do you make the most sense when you’re out of your mind drunk?”

“Because I’m honest when I’m drunk. It’s why mother says I shouldn’t drink.”

“Your mother?” Mary asked incredulously

“Mmmhm.” Sirius slurred, shuffling more into her lap.

“You never talk about her,” she said softly.

“That’s because she’s a cow.”

Mary burst out laughing, Sirius could almost feel her grin, “I like you when you’re drunk.” She told him. He groaned.

“Did you say your into Remus?” she asked, a little surprise creeping into her tone.

“Yeah…” Sirius murmured, completely unaware that he’d said that.

“Goddamn, that makes so much sense.” She muttered before raising her voice to address Sirius, “He stormed out of the bar after I snogged you I reckon he’s into you too. You know”

Sirius sat bolt upright, before feeling quite ill and clutching his stomach. His train of thought was momentarily derailed by trying not to puke and then he turned back to Mary, “You’re serious?”

She laughed, grinning as she said, “No. You are.”

He laughed too, far too much for the actual humour of the joke and tried, and failed spectacularly, to clamber to his feet.

He stumbled forward, taking a moment to reposition himself and then half-running out of the room, calling back something vaguely appreciative to Mary. Her contagious laugh followed him until he was back in the bar, amidst all the noise and chaos. He pushed his way through the bar, his stomach churning. He wondered how long it had been since he snogged Mary. It could have been a few minutes; it could have been hours. Her wondered if Remus was still outside. When had James come looking for him? How long had he sat on the floor waiting for Mary to finish? Had he been waiting for Mary to finish, or just aimlessly watching the world go by. It was all overwhelmingly vague and it was making him feel like crying. He squeezed his way to the exit, a far-off wooden door that didn’t seem to be getting any closer. He was apprehended by James about midway, still moving with the music and grinning ear to ear, entirely unaware of whatever it was going on with Sirius and Mary and Remus, although Sirius had no idea what exactly that was.

“Hey mate, what’s happening you look white as snow. Are you drunk? I told you the alcohol’s stronger here, goddammit black.”

“I-” Sirius swallowed down the bile rising in his throat and nodded, giving up on his futile effort to hide his intoxication, “I- I’m looking for lupin!”

“What?” James called over the cacophony of the bar.

“Have you seen Remus?” Sirius practically screamed, the band following Mary were far louder and Sirius decided to dislike them.

“I asked you if you’d seen him like ten minutes ago!”

Ten minutes. Sirius felt slightly better for the orientation.

“I’m going looking for him!”

“Okay!”

He moved past James, comforted in the knowledge that it hadn’t been nearly as long as he thought. Remus would probably still be outside.

He hurried the final few meters to the door, which seemed to pass much faster than the rest of the very short distance. He pushed the door open and felt the cold air hit him like a blast, stinging his cheeks and freezing his running nose. The strong scent of cigarette smoke burnt his nostrils and he almost immediately spotted its source, and no doubt Remus, by the plume of smoke coming from around the corner. He trudged through the snow, pissed off that Remus had to be outside in the freezing cold and reminding himself carefully of what Mary had said as it quickly slipped away. Why was he chasing Remus? It wasn’t like Remus would ever be chasing him. He had stormed out for gods sake. He was actively trying to avoid everyone.

Still, he rounded the corner and immediately felt lighter as a grin spread involuntarily across his face at the sight of Remus Lupin. He was wrapped in his coat, leaning against the wall and sucking on the stub of a cigarette like his life depended on it.

“Lupin!” Sirius called, stumbling forward and clutching at the sleeve of Remus’ coat to steady himself.

“Fuck off Black!” Remus snapped, surprise almost as evident as anger in his tone, “What are you doing out here?”

“Mary- Mary said- she…” but Sirius had completely forgotten what Mary had said and found himself flustering, overly aware of Remus’ ever angrier stance as he tried to shake off Sirius grip of his coat.

“Oh yeah, I’m sure Mary had heaps to say,” he said, cruel sarcasm masking anger in a tone that was almost as cold as the air around them and the snow underfoot.

“Shut-up Lupin you’re not listening to me…”

“I’m not listening. You’re a fucking joke black.” He burned his hand on his cigarette, which looked as though it had been far too small to smoke for a good many minutes now. He tried to move, Sirius staggered as the coat was almost yanked out of his grip and grabbed Remus’ shoulder this time.

“Get off me.” Remus growled, his voice scaring Sirius enough to snap his gaze up to his eyes, his heart thudding against his chest. Lupin’s eyes were pitch black, not a single speck of white, or the hazel-y brown that usually drew him in. Sirius took a step back, letting go of the other boy and frowning. Remus fished out another cigarette, his hands shaking violently, “You fucking stink of liquor,” he muttered, his voice still low and mean. Menacing, almost. It made Sirius feel queasier than he already did.

“Remus I-”

Remus ignored him. But before he could even finish his thought, he felt bile rise in his throat, quicker than he could stop or even slow it. He turned away from Remus and retched, the hot liquid pouring from his mouth and staining the perfect white snow with a horrid brown muck.

Remus groaned, “Oh fuck’s sake black.”

He took a step away, holding his nose as Sirius clutched his stomach and moaned, the horrid taste settling itself in his mouth.

“James warned you,” Remus murmured, still angry, but a little self-righteous humour creeping at the edges of his tone.

Sirius glanced up at him, allowing himself a small smile, he caught sight of Remus’ eyes, little light brown orbs scrunched in anger. Somehow, it reassured him. “I didn’t listen,” he said guiltily and felt a wave of relief bring back all his tired intoxication as Remus laughed.

Even if it just sounded like he was barking, Sirius could hear the humoured bubble of the vowel.

“I think I drank too much,” he burped, leaning his back against the wall.

Remus snorted, “You don’t say.”

Sirius took a moment, standing there, staring as the rancid puke sunk into the snow. Remus was completely silent beside him, hands in the pockets of his coat and staring up at the sky.

“How long have you been out here?” Sirius asked eventually, hoping to alleviate some of his disorientation and perhaps clear the air between him and Lupin.

Remus shrugged, “Dunno. I left after you snogged Mary.” He paused just long enough for Sirius to wonder if he was finished before adding, “If that helps.”

Sirius took a deep breath, remembering that was what Mary said. He stormed out of the bar after I snogged you.

“Do you like me?” he asked, his thoughts still too disjointed and his inhibitions still too low to participate properly in the conversation despite the horribly sobering experience of throwing up and whatever the hell had been going on with Remus. He felt a wave of anxiety wondering if that was over now and what on earth it had been.

“Of course I like you numpty that’s why I’m your friend.”

Then before Sirius could explain that absolutely wasn’t what he meant, he added, “I just get angry. That’s all. It wasn’t your fault.”

“No, I- I don’t care about-” he waved his hand in what was supposed to be a helpful gesture, “Whatever that was I just- I meant. You know, do you like, like me? Like, did you leave the bar because you were pissed that Mary was snogging me because you wanna be the one snogging me.”

Remus looked up at him with his eyebrows raised and scoffed, “That’s a really long and complicated way of asking if I’m a queer.”

“A what?” Sirius slurred.

“A queer. Boys who kiss boys. Girls who kiss girls. It’s not normal here Black. It’s illegal and more than that, it’s wrong.”

“That’s fucking stupid.”

“Yeah well. Your verbose opinion doesn’t change shit.”

“So, are you?”

“yes.”

“So, you do wanna snog me.”

Remus turned to him, clearly rife with anger, “I thought I made that pretty bloody obvious.”

Sirius was taken aback, frowning angrily at Remus, “You damn well didn’t! I’ve been wondering for weeks if you fancy me you absolute twat.”

“Well, you could of just bloody asked me!”

“Then what if you weren’t into me and then you got really awkward about it and I ruined our friendship forever and lost the one thing worth everything to me in this stinking place and-”

“Oh, for fucks sake!” Remus cut him off, angrily taking his face in his hands and kissing him, hard on the lips so that Sirius barely had time to gasp. His grip was firm but his kiss remarkably gentle for a moment so brief, Sirius wondered if he had imagined it as Remus withdrew.

“I fancy you, idiot!”

Sirius took a few moments to say anything, still reeling from the soaring sensation of being kissed by Remus Lupin. The other boy let his hands fall by his sides and Sirius stumbled over his words trying to say something.

“Well, I’ve got that now.”

Remus scoffed a laugh, shaking his head and turning away, “Right.”

He fished in his coat for the cigarette he abandoned when Sirius threw up, leaning his back against the wall again.

“You taste like puke,” he muttered, anger still lingering on his tone but so much more full of mischief than Sirius had heard it in weeks.

He grinned, “You’re the one who decided to snog me right after I puked.”

Remus glanced up from his smoke, a sly smile spread across his lips, “I suppose that one’s on me.”

Sirius didn’t care. He closed the gap between Remus and himself in two strides and stood on his tiptoes to reach Remus’ lips again, pulling him into the kiss this time. Not allowing the brevity of the last one. Remus wrapped an arm around his waist, pulling Sirius into him as he kissed him back, the softness hardly disguised this time but paired with an intensity that made Sirius laugh into his neck as he rolled back onto his heels. Remus smiled softly, twisting a part of Sirius' hair with his finger. Then he glanced up and around them, "We're lucky no-one saw that," he muttered.

Sirius grinned, "Yeah. Spose."

Remus let out a soft sigh and stepped away, slipping his smoke away again, “C’mon, you desperately need to eat something.”

Sirius laughed and followed him, resisting the urge to grab his hand, he thought about what Mary said, what Remus said, the odd standards of couples here. A queer. That’s what he was here. Whatever him and Remus had, it had to be in the shadows. It had to be hidden. He couldn’t love Remus like he could have loved Mary. It didn’t work like that in the districts. He decided to add it firmly to the cons side of mental list about living in Twelve.

But then again, having met Remus in the first place, most certainly outweighed it as a pro.