funeral
Regulus woke up Friday morning dreading the rest of the day. The first thing he heard were James’ measured breaths and he looked over to see James sleeping contentedly, one arm out as though reaching for something. Regulus shook his head and padded over to his suitcase to collect his clothes. He went to the bathroom to change and then slipped out of the hotel room quietly. He put his earbuds in and put on music as he walked outside.
It was still dark when he stepped outside. Dark and quite cold. He wandered around the conference grounds for a while, as he’d been doing to kill time before James got out of the hotel room. This meant he’d become very familiar with how it was laid out and also the fastest ways to get from one building to another, which was good when he lost track of time during that day and had to get to a building across the grounds to attend a performance or lecture or something.
Thinking back to what I was always told
"Don't talk to strangers or you might fall in love"
As the cold fucking breeze messed his hair up, he had time to think. Too much time to do too much thinking if you asked him. So he wandered around and thought and listened to his music. Of course the first thing his mind came up with was James! Which, well, yeah. He would rather die before admitting to having thought anything good about James Potter, especially if he was the first thing that came to mind when Regulus let his mind wander. But he was. So. It was probably due to their complicated…relationship.
Regulus thought about the hopeless crush he’d had on James at the beginning of secondary. It didn’t make any sense. They were polar opposites, in completely different friend circles and they hated everything the other one loved. Although thinking about it, James seemed to like (some of) Regulus’ music and seemed genuinely interested in dance and he’d picked up one of the books Regulus was reading once and proceeded to go into a long-winded, very opinionated analysis and then asked Regulus for his views. So maybe not everything. Which perhaps was why he found himself thinking about James so much.
Like how he’d showed up to Regulus’ performance the previous day, completely unprompted, with absolutely no warning. And then hadn’t said anything about it to Regulus. Granted they were a bit busy with lectures and panic attacks and…other things. But, still. James had shown up and had the nerve to look at Regulus like that right after he’d finished dancing, and Regulus couldn’t say he hadn’t been thinking about James’ eyes locking with his at the end of the performance for the last thirteen hours. The fact that he might’ve been watching Regulus with that expression the entire performance was not doing wonders for his nerves.
And now he had another one to prepare for. He wondered if James would show up to this one. Then he tried to forget he ever had the thought.
My love, are you the devil?
I would worship you instead of him
I have no time for confession
For I'm too busy committing sins
My love, you're something special
It was a long three hours. He went back up to the hotel and by then James had woken up so he got out quickly, he did not want to talk about what had happened the previous night. It was like plunging a knife into his ribcage and then twisting it. He didn’t know why he’d agreed to (or rather suggested) the…situation that they were in now, because now he was involved with James and James didn’t like him like that, so really he should distance himself. Less pain like that. But he found himself saying yes whenever James asked if he wanted to go on a walk, found himself gravitating toward him and, well, something with James was better than nothing. For now at least. It would probably bring only pain in the future, but he’d enjoy it while it lasted.
When I think too much about it, I can't breathe
And I have this dream where I'm screamin' underwater
While my friends are waving from the shore
And I don't need you to tell me what that means
I don't believe in that stuff anymore
Jesus Christ, I'm so blue all the time
And that's just how I feel
Always have and I always will
He went to one of the first hour lectures and then walked around the art gallery until he saw someone who looked like James. Then he walked around for a bit.
8:42
RJL: hows the conference
Regulus: fine why
RJL: no reason
Regulus: yeah right
RJL: what do you mean yeah right??
Regulus: you never use normal small talk unless you want to get something out of someone. otherwise you text hi and then its like sirius you just ask some random ass thing like idk ‘how would you go about replacing a broken car wheel on your own in the middle of the forest’
RJL: wow ok thanks for the paragraph text psychoanalysing me or whatever
Regulus: you want psychoanalysis
RJL: preferably no
Regulus: whatever. be fucking boring
RJL: i will
RJL: now whats going on with you
Regulus: what do you mean
RJL: ok well in general but also i heard some stuff from james. but you dont HAVE to talk abt it i just wanted to hear your pov
Regulus: the little shit whod he tell
RJL: just me i think
Regulus: theres nothing going on
RJL: yeah right
Regulus: shut the fuck up
RJL: ok whatever how are things in general
Regulus: fine
RJL: do you have a performance today?
Regulus’ phone alarm went off. As if he hadn’t been checking the time every two minutes to make sure he wouldn’t be late. He silenced the alarm and sent a quick text to Remus.
Regulus: yeah actually i have to go
RJL: for the performance?
Regulus: no for a lecture
RJL: wow it must be a good topic if regulus black is going
RJL: wait. james’ lecture is today isnt it??
Regulus: i wouldnt know
RJL: sure you wouldn’t
RJL: youre going arent you?
Regulus: no
He walked over to one of the far lecture halls pretending he had all the time in the world. He entered and slipped into one of the back seats just as James came onto the stage.
He listened to the lecture, regrettably hanging off every word James said. He was funny and made the topic easy to understand but gave a deep analysis nonetheless. Regulus found himself watching the way James paced and gestured and talked.
As soon as James finished speaking the room erupted with thunderous applause and Regulus got up to leave. The hall lights came on and James looked up. Their eyes locked and Regulus quickly hurried out of the room. He rushed across to the performance hall and ran backstage. The poor woman who was coordinating the schedule seemed frazzled.
“Oh! Oh thank god, there you are! Okay, you’re late, go into the room on the left there.”
Regulus walked into one of the changing rooms and started getting ready. He couldn't help but think that he’d been late for a perfectly valid reason. He then attempted to focus on changing into his costume. Someone knocked at his door as he was doing his stage make-up and he mumbled, “come in,” not bothering to mask his annoyance.
The absolute last person he expected to be at his door stood there when he turned around. James waved, smiling a little, a bag and water bottle in his hand. A bag that looked very fucking familiar. Regulus’ eyes widened, “shit.”
“Yeah, I found them when I walked into the hotel room, right next to the door, and thought you could use them. Also this,” James said, holding up the bag and the water bottle.
Regulus said a curt, “thanks,” and took them. He opened the bag to make sure that yes, it contained his pointe shoes and found that it also contained his eyeliner which had fallen out of the make-up bag and he’d shoved into the shoes bag at the last minute. He went back to doing his make-up, expecting James to leave. But when did James ever do what was expected of him? Instead he sat down on the stool in the back of the room, watching Regulus through the mirror. After a couple minutes, while his foundation was setting, Regulus broke the silence, “I can see you, you know?”
James smiled, “I know.”
Regulus rolled his eyes and started tugging on his eyelids, trying to get the eyeliner on straight. He finished the make-up with a lot of cursing his shaking hands (which he hoped James hadn’t noticed). Regulus slid off the stool, picked up the bag and sat on the ground. He was sliding off one of his shoes when his breathing started coming harder.
His hands were shaking hard as he clenched them around his shoelaces. All the memories that he’d tried so hard to bury resurfaced. All he could think of was his professional career. Panic attacks before every show, being alone, spending all his hours at the studio. Pushing even his agent away, dancing to the point where he’d collapse with exhaustion every day. More memories flashed in his mind. All the fights he would have, all the times he blacked out in the middle of dancing, and all the pressure.
He felt a warm hand on his shoulder.
“Regulus? Are-are you okay?”
“I-I’m fine,” Regulus croaked out. He couldn’t cry, he’d just done his make-up, and while waterproof, it gave it a strange look if he cried and his eyes would be all red. His breathing was still fast and erratic.
James sat down, “hey, look at me. Can you breathe?”
Regulus nodded, taking a deep breath, as if to prove it but then his breaths came back faster and faster.
“Are you having a panic attack?”
Regulus shook his head. No, no this was nowhere near as bad as the attacks that would hit him before his shows years ago.
“Okay, um can you try to match my breathing?” James started taking slow, measured breaths. It was clear he didn’t exactly know what he was doing but he was trying and Regulus found it helped. He steadied his breath and then went back to putting his shoes on.
“Better?” James asked. Regulus nodded.
“Are you, um, nervous?”
“Just-just got bad memories. Don’t worry about it James.”
“Sorry. Um, does it have to do with yesterday?” Regulus’ brow furrowed, and then he remembered that he’d performed the previous day.
“No, yesterday was fine. I-I danced professionally for a while. It-it wasn’t great. I’m sure Sirius could tell you about it.”
“I’d rather hear it from you,” James said, and then rushed to add, “unless you don’t want to tell me which is perfectly fine.”
“I wanted to kill myself sometimes. Overall it was…fine. But there were some days where it got to be too much. I’d push myself to exhaustion. What you see at the university is my healthier routine. I-I had proper panic attacks before every performance and I-yeah.”
James was looking at him with an expression that looked sad. And something else that Regulus couldn’t quite place.
“Stop looking at me like that, I don’t want your pity.”
James’ expression hardened a bit, “Regulus the last thing I have for you is pity. You are one of the strongest people I know and this just proves my point. Surviving your childhood and then getting thrust almost straight into this, with your parents still breathing down your back is…that's not something most would be able to get through. That being said, even the strongest people need rest and I’m so, so glad you’re doing better now, but sometimes you need to stop and rest. You need to lean on other people. You need to take care of you. But I am happy you can still do what you love, Regulus.”
“Do you take your own advice?”
James’ expression went slack as he tried to think of something to say. Regulus finished lacing his shoes and turned to James.
“I need to go out there in about ten minutes so you need to get out.” James stood up but then turned back around, “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine James. Leave.” And he did. Regulus attempted to push every thought of James from his mind and get into a mindset where he could just dance. WIthout worry. It was practically impossible.
As he was dancing his eyes scanned the crowd, looking for James. It was all dark but as soon as the lights came back on, he lingered looking for familiar hazel eyes. And he found them, looking at him, amazed. It was a surreal feeling. He ran into the wings almost as soon as they locked eyes.
I don't wanna be alone
Don't wanna be alone anymore
It got quiet on the other line
Said the sun was coming up, and I
Laughed until I couldn't breathe
Now I'm too tired to go to sleep
Now I can't breathe, and I can't sleep
The rest of the day passed sluggishly. It was all the same routine until dinner. Regulus didn’t go and James brought him food (which never ceased to surprise him, despite it being the third time). Then they had sex again and Regulus went right to bed after. James opened his mouth like he wanted to say something as soon as Regulus got up, but Regulus ran into the bathroom and then shut off the lights as soon as he came out.
He heard James’ breaths even out but Regulus couldn’t fall asleep. He tossed and turned and put in his earbuds, but that didn’t help either. He enjoyed the music though.
Good day, good night, good talk, goodbye
It's out of your hands, but have a safe flight
My thoughts, all noise, fake smile, decoys
Sometimes, I need to hear your voice
It was almost one in the morning and Regulus still couldn’t sleep. It was another two hours until he broke down and called Pandora. She picked up on the first ring because of course she did.
“Reggie!”
“Pandora.”
“Hold on”, she changed the call to facetime and then said, “mmm, this sounds like the ‘I’m Regulus Black, and I have a Problem, with a capital P, but I will ignore it and bury it because I, Regulus Black, absolutely refuse to think about it’ voice,” Pandora said cheerfully, while blowing on her nails which were now painted delightful shades of green and blue, making a gradient effect across her nails.
“That’s not a thing.”
“Oh it absolutely is a thing. You’re like a small, sad cat Reggie.”
Regulus spluttered, “I am not.”
“Mhm, believe what you want to,” Pandora shrugged, “but if you ever did want to tell me what was wrong, I’d be here. At any and all hours. Just for you, love.” She smiled.
“Who are you calling love?” Regulus heard, and Pandora turned to face someone off screen, then said, “Reggie. Come say hi!”
Lily came into frame a second later, standing above Pandora, who was sitting at the table, nail polish jars strewn haphazardly about. Lily looked groggy, but delighted as she said, “Regulus! Haven’t seen you in a bit, you’re at the conference yeah?”
Regulus sighed, “yeah”
Lily raised an eyebrow, “Is it going well?”
“So far, yes I suppose. How are things with you?”
“If you're being courteous and are about to tune me out, thank you but I suppose you know how I feel about small talk.”
“I feel the exact same way, and loathe to admit that I could not come up with a more creative question at three thirteen in the morning, but also genuinely want to know how you are because the last time I got an update was last week, and although Pandora makes it her job to thoroughly inform me about everything she deems important, I’ve not gotten this week’s updates yet, as I just called her two minutes ago.”
“Well then! All is well around here, although your best friend did just wake me up at three in the morning, which not-so-regrettably happens often.”
“Mm, sorry darling.”
Lily smiled softly and kissed Pandora on the head, “Nothing to be sorry about, you know I like being up with you. I’m going to get tea and I’ll let you talk to Reg.” Pandora nodded up at her and then turned back to Regulus. Lily retreated back to their room, a mug of tea in her hands, and Regulus wished he could steal it. The caffeine might help reduce the headache he had. Although he wasn’t sure it was a ‘tired’ headache, rather an ‘overthinking every situation humanly possible’ type of headache.
“I’m assuming that was a James issue then? Or a cluttered brain one?” A cluttered brain was the Pandora-ism for overthinking and having thoughts running circles in one’s brain. She said for her, it felt like all her thoughts had spilled out of her ‘cabinets’ and onto the ground. Mixed and jumbled up and very disorganised.
“You’ve got a sixth sense,” Regulus declared.
She smiled her small smile, “Right on both accounts then?”
Regulus didn’t answer.
“Hmm, advice or listening?” Her way of asking if he just wanted to rant or if he actually needed help.
“None?”
She looked up from her nails (which she was now putting homemade nail stickers on), “Reggie, you can talk or not, and either is fine, but if you need to talk better get it out sooner rather than later. And the sooner you spit it out, the sooner you get to hear about my flower project.”
“How is that going by the way?”
Pandora looked unimpressed, “You first.”
Regulus took a deep breath, “Fine,” another breath, as he figured out where the hell to start, realising he’d told Pandora virtually nothing about the James situation, “So I suppose the first thing to note is that we kissed.”
Pandora’s eyes widened but she stayed silent and Regulus continued. “Then we ignored each other for, like, three days. Then, um, he had a panic attack, and I found him, and it seemed like he didn’t know what to do, so I did the 5-4-3-2-1 thing that you showed me, and that seemed to help. And then we hooked up like two hours later.”
Pandora nodded, “He was emotionally okay and stable?”
“I-yes, yeah.”
“Good, good. And how are you feeling?”
“I’m…I-I think I might…”
Pandora was looking at him as if to say take your time, eyes wide and reassuring. So he did. He took a breath and said, “I think I may like him, Panda.”
She smiled, “May?”
Regulus buried his face in his hands, “does it go away?”
“No Reggie. Not if he’s the one you want to spend your life with. People fall in and out of love, and some people don’t fall in love and that’s normal. And there’s all different types of love, but if James is making you feel like this, this much all at once, and you really, really think you want a future with him…then no Reggie. Maybe your love will shift and change, but it won’t go away.”
“Damn it Pandora, you cannot say that kind of stuff at three in the morning or I’ll cry.”
“Sorry?”
“No, no, not to say-that is,” Regulus sighed, “I appreciate it.”
“So? Anything else you’d like to share? James or not-James related.”
“Well, I like him. Oh, and he came to both my performances. And I had a small anxiety attack and then we had sex again earlier.”
“You’re overthinking the performance thing, aren't you? You okay now?”
“Yeah,” Regulus muttered.
“Right. How do you think he feels?”
“Not like whatever the fuck I’m feeling.”
“And what might you be feeling?”
“Fucking confused.”
“Because of you things or him things?”
“Both. I don’t know he’s just, ugh, he’s, he’s nice. And he may have been giving me space at least that’s what he said he was doing, which is fucking nice of him, or he may hate me. And why the hell would he come to my performance after three days of ignoring me? Three days! No one in their right minds needs that much space. Maybe he didn’t want to kiss me. And then he went and fucking said he-he liked me, the little shit. But I don’t think-I. I think he just wanted to have sex.”
“That’s a lot to process for a day. Are you sure he didn’t mean that he liked you in a romantic way?”
“Well, okay, that was after we’d kissed a few days ago. And then he was trying to talk yesterday, or two days ago now, I guess, but I-I was fucking scared, Panda, so I kissed him and, um, yeah.”
“Reggie.”
“I know.”
“Okay, well, advice, or no?”
“If you have anything that won’t make me feel like shit.”
“There is nothing in this situation that won’t, love. It’s a shit situation because it’s complicated and simple at the same time and you’ve got a lot of feelings which is hard. But I think you just need to talk with him. Tell him you like him romantically and be very clear. Apologise and set boundaries and listen.”
“...I’ll think about it.”
“That’s the best you can do Reggie.” There was a pause and then Pandora’s eyes lit up and she exclaimed, “Want to see the dress now?” And then right after said, “unless you have anything else you’d like to say. Oh! How was the performance? I can’t believe I forgot to ask.”
“The performance was good, and I’d absolutely love to see the dress.”
“Hm, I would absolutely love more than ‘good’ Reggie. Do you have a video?” She asked as she picked up the phone and walked into the small closet area that she’d made into her ‘multipurpose studio’.
“Yeah, I’ll send it. Did the flowers end up breaking?”
“The first few did, but I got the hang of it!” She flipped the camera to show Regulus an almost-finished dress that had live flowers sewn to the sleeves, bodice and skirt.
“It looks great Panda. I think the fabric was a good choice after all.”
Pandora smiled and started talking about how she planned to hem some of it and how she’d gotten the flowers on and then got distracted and started talking to Regulus about anything and everything and Regulus listened, content, because this was what exactly he needed. He needed Pandora’s logic and then her soft voice sweeping him up into every story with a passion.
He sat there contentedly listening, interjecting only when he felt it absolutely necessary for him to follow the story until Pandora finished with a, “and, yeah, I think that’s all. What about you?”
“What about me?”
“Anything else up with you?”
“Not really.”
“Oh come on, you didn’t meet anyone interesting?”
“Social interaction is not my cup of tea,” Regulus made a face.
“Hmm, well good luck tomorrow with the performance, or today, I suppose.”
“Thanks, I should probably get some sleep shouldn’t I?”
“You can try,” she smiled ruefully, knowing that he was the last person who could get any sleep, ever.
He nodded and went to end the call.
“Reggie?”
“Yeah?”
“Do you want me to stay?”
“Yeah.”
She made a little hum of acknowledgement and then after a second her face lit up and she stood up and brought the phone to the small spot by the window.
“Can I play?”
“Might help me sleep, so go ahead.”
Her face lit up and she put the phone nearby and started plucking out a melody on her harp. She got into it after a second and Regulus sank down into his bed listening to the lulling, beautiful sound of the piece that Pandora was working on.
~~
He must’ve fallen asleep at some point because he woke to a loud crash and a bunch of ‘sleep well :)’ texts from Pandora. The shades were open and whoever gave the sun the right to shine that fucking bright needed to die. James emerged from the bathroom (he must’ve been the cause of the loud noise) and Regulus’ heart did something violent in his chest. He told it to shut the fuck up. Just because he could admit that he’d fallen for James, he didn’t need to like it. Except he found himself staring at the way the sun caught on the tips of James’ curls and eyelashes and how he hummed and muttered as he went about getting ready, never staying still. James looked up at one point to find Regulus’ eyes on him at one point and broke into a huge grin.
“Oh hey! You’re up,” he stopped puttering around and couldn’t seem to stop smiling. Regulus just got out of bed and stepped into the bathroom, closing the door behind him. And then proceeded to start sobbing. It was completely unexpected. After a second the tears stopped and he stood up so he could wash his face and brush his teeth. It was as if all the awful emotions had needed out for a second and then everything had suddenly gone back to normal. He shook it off and went about getting ready. He came out of the bathroom to get his clothes and found that James was playing music. Regulus loathed to admit that it was actually decent music.
“Do you want me to stop it?” James asked upon finding Reglus staring at his small speaker. Knowing himself Regulus figured that he probably looked as though he wanted to murder it.
“No, I-I don’t mind it.” And perhaps he wouldn’t mind it, he thought, watching James re-organise his notes and fold his clothes. Perhaps he wouldn't.
Where I'm set alight
And I blink in sight
Of your blinding light
Oh, and it's not tonight
Where you hold me tight
Light the fire bright
Oh, let it blaze alright
Oh, you're good to me