kyoto (song) pt. 1
James woke up and the first thing he thought was, why am I so cold? But he wasn’t cold. He was wrapped in a very thick duvet and tangled in the sheet. He was missing something. He looked over expecting to see a perfectly made bed, and Regulus gone, as he had every other morning. Instead he saw a head of black curls emerging from where Regulus was cuddled into a small ball under the covers. He looked cold, he always ran cold, layering sweaters and shivering while James was in a t-shirt. The only thing James could think was that he wanted to hug him until he wasn’t cold anymore. But Regulus had made it very clear that that wasn't what he wanted when he got up and went to his own bed immediately both nights because it was just sex , nothing more.
James was regretting his life decisions so much. Why had he even chosen to move universities? (well, okay he had a good reason for that, but he could’ve chosen any other university to apply to and he just had to pick the one Regulus was at?) And then agreeing to whatever the hell he was doing with Regulus? When he had feelings for him? What had James been thinking?
He decided that staying in bed would do him absolutely no good (he’d just end up overthinking everything), so he got up. He’d always been a morning person so as soon as he woke up and saw the sun streaming through the shades, there was no hope of getting more sleep. He opened the blind, and then remembered that Regulus was still asleep and immediately looked over to make sure he was still sleeping, but it didn’t seem to be bothering him and James preferred the natural light so he kept the shade halfway down instead of turning on the overhead light. As soon as he was up, he felt restless and jittery. He slipped on the first shirt he found and then put in his earbuds as he went into the bathroom to get ready.
Monday, you can fall apart
Tuesday, Wednesday, break my heart
Oh, Thursday doesn't even start
It's Friday, I'm in love
James couldn’t help thinking, but it’s Saturday, and I’m still helplessly in love . Then he tried to forget he had the thought. If only he could just turn it off, stop loving Regulus, it would be so much less painful for both of them if James didn’t have this stupid unrequited crush. But he did.
Lost in thought, he walked over to the sink and reached for his toothbrush, knocking over everything else on the counter surface. He cringed, thinking that there was no way that the sound hadn’t woken Regulus, but when he came out of the bathroom, Regulus was still curled up in bed. James went around getting ready for the day, glancing over at Regulus every now and again because he looked so peaceful while sleeping. At one point, he glazed over to find grey-green eyes staring back at him.
“Oh hey! You’re up.” James couldn’t seem to stop smiling. Regulus didn’t respond, instead getting out of bed and stepping into the bathroom, closing the door behind him.
James decided not to be horribly crushed by the lack of answer because it was Regulus . Had he been expecting him to be nicer just because they were having sex? But as he thought about it, he realised that he didn’t want Regulus to be nicer, he liked his sarcastic, witty remarks and his constant teasing. He just wanted Regulus to like him, or at least not to hate him.
Regulus came out of the bathroom a second later, speak of the devil James thought, smiling as he could only assume he did whenever he thought about Regulus. It was perhaps a bit of an addiction. Regulus grabbed his clothes quickly and then stopped halfway back to the bathroom, staring at the small speaker with a somewhat pensive look.
“Do you want me to stop it?” James tentatively asked, and was shocked to hear a soft, “No, I-I don’t mind it.” So James, having nothing to do, nodded, then walked over to the desk to re-organise his notes that had been stacked and re-stacked a hundred times over and fold his clothes, just to keep his hands busy.
Regulus walked out of the room immediately after getting dressed, most likely not wanting to be alone with James. Which was…fine.
James left the room a few minutes later seeing no point in re-organising his stuff again .
He walked around for a while, putting on music to try to distract himself from all that was going through his head making him unable to pay attention to any lecture. It was cool and he found himself lost in thought, just wandering, until he realised a couple hours had passed and he’d missed breakfast.
A thousand voices whisper it true
It tells me how it feels to be new
And every voice belongs
Every voice belongs to you
He drifted in and out of lecture halls finding interesting subjects outside his major area and staying to hear about them until crowds started gathering and everyone started filing out of the lecture halls for lunch.
James went over to the art hall thinking he would get lunch after the crowds thinned a bit. He walked around looking at how they’d rotated the art and going back to his favourite pieces.
He was staring at a painting of koi fish at the back of the gallery when he suddenly collided with something, and heard a small grunt. He focused on the person in front of him, surprised (or rather, shocked) to see the grey-green eyes that seemed to follow him everywhere staring at him, annoyed.
“Regulus?”
“James.”
“I-What are you doing here?”
“Same thing as you I assume. Looking at art. Seeing as this is an art gallery .”
“Right. Um, would you want to get lunch?”
Regulus hesitated and then started walking, passing James silently.
“Wait-hold up! Where are you going?”
James could practically feel Regulus rolling his eyes as he said, “to get lunch.”
They walked in silence, matching each other's steps until they split off to get food. James was half sure that Regulus wouldn’t come back to eat with him, but he appeared at James’ side making a face at James’ choice in food.
“What?” James asked, laughing at the face Regulus made.
“Really James? Chicken nuggets?”
“Better than whatever the hell that is,” James retorted pointing at some mysterious dish in the small to-go box that Regulus was holding.
Regulus rolled his eyes, “yours looks like a child picked the food.”
“And? It tastes better than rich people food and I will stand by that.”
Regulus huffed and walked out the door, leaving James behind. James followed Regulus outside, catching up to him easily and asking where he was going.
“ I am going to eat outside.”
“Would you mind-”
“Yes.”
“You didn’t even hear the question!”
“Fine, if you were about to ask if I would mind you sitting with me the answer is yes.”
“What if I sat near you but not with you?” Regulus just sighed and James took that as an answer enough, following behind him.
They walked for a while, James just following Regulus, until he abruptly stopped. James looked around to find that they were in a clearing surrounded by trees, from which you almost couldn’t see the conference venue. Music drifted from an unseen area where others were talking and laughing and picnicking.
Regulus sat down under one of the trees and James followed, sitting next to him and opening his box of food. They ate in silence until James said something about one of the lectures he’d attended out of the blue, and a guarded conversation started.
It was nice, James thought, just sitting and hearing Regulus talk. They talked for quite a bit, Regulus getting animated when he talked about dance or his students. He set his food down, using his hands to gesture as his eyes lit up. They stayed seated there, just talking, letting down their walls bit by bit, until the large clocktower’s bell rang. It was as though something shifted, like in a fairytale. One second they were talking and the next, as soon as the clock struck and they got up to leave, Regulus was cold and silent again, walking ahead of James, seemingly avoiding him.
Regulus disappeared to their room and James thought that he most likely didn’t want company so he put his earbuds in and wandered off, to explore the hotel.
It'd be so alone
Without you there
It wouldn't be fair
It wouldn't be fair
There's nobody home
I'm already there
It wasn’t long after Regulus left that he pulled out his phone to check the time and smiled when he saw Sirius’s contact photo.
16:14
padfoot <3: james
padfoot <3: JAMES
padfoot <3: jamesjamesjamesjamesjames
16:18
jamessssss :) : padfoot????
padfoot <3: yes hello hi
jamessssss :) : hi!!!!! :)
padfoot <3: :D i need you to help me solve a small little debate
jamessssss :) : ok????
padfoot <3: james. my lovely delightful james. theoretically, in a fight do we think a dog or a wolf would win
jamessssss :) : i am lovely aren’t i :)
jamessssss :) : but that would be a wolf. they’re bigger and most likely stronger
padfoot <3: no no no no but think about it, dogs are smarter and more agile cause theyre smaller
padfoot <3: also theyre just better
jamessssss :) : but the wolf would still win
padfoot <3: fuck you that was mean
padfoot <3: fine then which one is better generally speaking
jamessssss :) : mmmmmm idk
padfoot <3: JAMES
jamessssss :) : :D
padfoot <3: :)
padfoot <3: OH
padfoot <3: ok so i was actually supposed to be asking you something
padfoot <3: (not related to dogs or wolves but i think that question was better)
jamessssss :) : ???
padfoot <3: what time are you getting home tmrw?
jamessssss :) : like around 9-10ish??
padfoot <3: am?
jamessssss :) : yeah theyre kicking us out before 10 or something
padfoot <3: ok :)
James turned off his phone as he reached the basement area of the hotel. He knew the gym was here as he’d come whenever Regulus was in the hotel room, ignoring him, but he went down a couple of the other hallways to see what they led to. It was quite anticlimactic. There were many maintenance rooms with staff only signs and a couple unmarked (locked) doors. The best thing he found was a pool, which he was unaware existed. He still had over an hour of time to kill before it would be acceptable for him to start getting ready for the farewell dinner (he was overwhelmed by the number of dinners this conference had) so he decided to go back to the gym.
He found (to his delight) that he was one of the only ones there. He put on music and tried to block out all thoughts (especially of a certain person with very pretty curls and a devilish smile).
Come see, come see, remember me?
We played out an all-night movie role
You said it would last, but I guess we enrolled
In 1984
As it turned out, James was rushing to get upstairs despite all the free time he’d had. He had lost track of time and raced up the stairs with only half an hour until the dinner started to shower and change. He burst into the hotel room, completely forgetting that Regulus was in it.
“Um, hi,” He said, running his hand through his hair, facing a very disheveled-looking Regulus. His dress shirt was half unbuttoned, his tie hung untied around his neck and his hair was uncombed. Needless to say, James was a little unfocused on the matter of getting ready.
Regulus looked up, “Dinner starts at six-thirty, right?”
“Yeah, I think I’m going to be late though,” James laughed nervously.
“Me fucking too,” Regulus muttered, grabbing his hairbrush (and hair products) from the bathroom and attempted to do his hair in the small mirror next to the door. James went to take a shower.
By the time he stumbled out of the bathroom, his hair was half-dry from the crappy blow dryer, his shirt was haphazardly thrown on and he was missing his glasses. Regulus looked significantly better. His hair was tamed and he had found his suit jacket. The tie, on the other hand, was nowhere to be seen.
“Ah, do you want me to…” James trailed off, his thoughts short-circuiting. Regulus in a suit was not good for his thought process. Of course Regulus somehow picked up on what he was trying to get across and brought the tie over from wherever it had been hidden.
James went over to pick up his glasses from the bedside table, and almost had a heart attack when they weren’t there, until Regulus cleared his throat behind him. James turned around to see him holding up his glasses in one hand and the tie in the other. James took his glasses and buttoned his shirt, muttering a sheepish, “thanks,” and then taking the tie from Regulus.
Neither of them breathed as James tied and adjusted the tie around Regulus’ neck. James stepped back and Regulus turned away.
“I’ll be back around nine,” Regulus said, walking out. James knew what this meant. He wouldn’t see Regulus until then, he would studiously avoid James during dinner and then Regulus would come back only to have sex and then leave. Not talking to him or even saying ‘goodnight’. James couldn’t bear it. He wanted to be the one getting to hear about Regulus’ day, sitting next to him, joking with him and commenting on the food and the people, making the dinner bearable because they were together. He wanted to be able to hold Regulus’ hand and dance with him and do whatever other trivial, stupidly small things all the happy couples around them did.
Right before the door swung shut James blurted, “I don’t want ‘no complications’ or ‘just sex’ or whatever the hell you’re going to call it!”
Regulus turned around, looking a bit bewildered, but seemed to know exactly what James was talking about and without missing a beat said, “Then what the fuck do you want?” He scoffed, “For me to admit that I’m fucking in love with you?” The sarcasm in his voice was evident.
“I-I don’t know, maybe not, just-I-I guess I want to be able to like you. Or rather, I want you to like me.”
“And if I don’t?”
“I’ll leave.”
“Oh, that simple hmm?”
“Yes.” The door swung shut as Regulus stepped inside and there was a silence that seemed to stretch a million years. James started fidgeting quietly, averting his eyes.
“Why me James?” It was almost a whisper, as if it hurt to ask.
“Because Regulus. I-I don’t know if I can describe how I see you, it’s-” He sighed. “Because of your eyes. Because of the little smirk that crosses your face whenever you think of something funny and the genuine smile that lights up all the way to your eyes. Because of the spark you get whenever you talk about something that you like. Because of your love for dancing and your students. Because even though you put on a cold, uncaring act you try Regulus. You genuinely care about your friends and you try to make their lives better in whatever ways you can no matter how small. Because of your dry humour and your stubbornness. I-I don’t know. Because you're you .”
“No.”
“No?”
“No.”
“No what?”
“You cannot like me.”
“I literally just listed a bunch of reasons I can, and very much do, like you.”
“This,” Regulus gestured between them, “isn’t going to work out.”
“Why not?”
“You’re fucking, I don’t know, sunshine personified and I’m-I don’t do relationships. Especially not with you.”
“Why can’t we make it work Regulus?”
Regulus finally met James’ eyes and bit out, “It doesn’t. Fucking. Work. That. Way.”
James wordlessly got up to leave, thinking of his mothers words from long ago.
“If they’re not going to put in the effort it takes to make it work, you can’t put all that strain on yourself. You’ll run aground trying.” She had pushed James’ toy ship into his lap, pretending it had hit dry land. “Mum!” James had cried out, “that’s not how it works.” She smiled, “Either way, love, you’ll put too much stress on yourself trying to do all the work alone.”
She’d been talking to a distraught eight-year-old James about a group project, but he couldn’t help but feel that it very well applied to the situation at hand. If Regulus wasn’t going to try, James knew that he shouldn’t either. So then why did he really want to anyway?
Regulus met his eyes and caught his hand. He tugged James down to kiss him, but James pulled away.
“If you don’t even want to talk to me I won’t do that with you Regulus.”
“You won’t fuck me?
“No.”
“Whyever not?” His voice was somewhat teasing, but there was an undercurrent of…hesitancy? tension?
“Because.” Regulus raised an eyebrow and suddenly James felt as though a dam had exploded within him.
“Because I fucking LOVE you Regulus. And this?” He gestured between them, “this is killing me. It’s tearing me apart because I don’t get all of you and I can’t do ‘no strings attached’ because it physically pains me whenever you leave to your own bed with that impartial expression of yours. You’re all I can think about and the fact that this is just, whatever, a one-time hook up for you just makes it that much worse.”
Regulus turned around and stepped out of the room, starting down the hallway without looking back, letting the door slam shut behind him. James was unsurprised. Of course Regulus didn’t love him. He knew that. So why did he have to go and fuck everything up? Knowing did not help the crushing sadness that suddenly made him collapse on the floor, not realising he was crying until he reached up to take his glasses off and felt the rivers of tears running down his cheeks.
In the silence all he could hear was the faint sound of his music (which was still apparently playing) and his harsh breathing as the tears that Regulus didn’t deserve streamed down his face. It looked like he wouldn’t be going to dinner after all.
And tonight, when I closed that door, I wanted to turn back
But when I see a shooting star, I stay out of its path
And that's what you are, you're so bright
You burn my eyes, and you move too fast
So I say "Goodnight, make it home" like I'm making a wish
On you, from afar
You, my shooting star