i know a place
It had been two days since he kissed Regulus and Regulus was ignoring him. They were sharing a room but he would leave before James woke up and James woke up early (‘at the actual ass-crack of dawn,’ per Sirius). He would get back to the room late and immediately go to sleep or if it was early enough that James hadn’t given up waiting and turned off the light yet, he would just read or look on his phone, ignoring James completely. James was pretty sure he wasn’t sleeping at all at night. They would barely see each other and talk even less, James was pretty sure they’d exchanged maybe four words in the last two days.
It was infuriating, he’d given no explanation and just stopped talking to him. And it made James inexplicably sad.
The conference was good, James wasn’t speaking until Friday so he was mostly going to talks and when there were none in the humanities sector he would go wander around the art on display or go to one of the other subjects’ talks, just for fun. He’d met a couple people, other history nerds, which was nice.
A few of them were going for drinks on the last day of the conference and he thought that he might as well, seeing as he’d have nothing to do anyway. So he got to know them better and they were nice. They were good. They weren’t Regulus. Which, of course they weren’t, that would be nonsensical. But nobody else was Regulus and James missed Regulus . He also clearly wasn’t thinking straight (but when was he ever?), but he blamed the lack of sleep.
He was laying on his bed, listening to music on the small speaker that Sirius had gifted him for his birthday, the morning of the second day of the Silence From Regulus, contemplating all of this when Regulus himself walked in, completely ignoring James. He got something from his bedside table and his dance bag and then stomped out again. James sighed silently.
So he hadn’t exactly been trying to actively talk to Regulus but after thinking the situation in a circle a hundred times over, he’d decided it would be better not to. Because James had gone and kissed him and he probably felt awkward now, or worse hated James, which in James’ mind would be completely valid. And so, James figured that he didn’t want to pressure Regulus into talking to him, or spending time with him, or doing literally anything, so if Regulus wanted space James would give that to him. James would give him so much damn space, even if it hurt like a bitch to do it. It was for Regulus. Which absolutely did not mean anything . Probably. He’d do it for Sirius or Remus right?
The system only dreams in total darkness
Why are you hidin' from me?
We're in a different kind of thing now
The day didn’t progress much differently than the last two, except he’d missed the earliest lecture because he’d stayed in bed contemplating Regulus, that was, the situation regarding Regulus and then read a bit and gone down to breakfast late in the end. He caught two talks before having a semi-late lunch (where he did not see Regulus, which was fine ), then went to a lecture that one of the people he’d met earlier was doing, which was interesting.
Then there were no humanities talks for an hour so he went to the art gallery, half hoping to find Regulus somewhere near there (he didn’t), but also because the art was really good and he loved wandering around. He kept going back because every time he found something new, a new piece that captured exactly how he was feeling or a new way of looking at something or someone new admiring art. He lost track of time and ended up practically running to the other side of the venue.
There were a couple more talks each about teaching a different subject (greco-roman influences on modern culture and one on ancient art forms), which were very interesting and he even managed to take a couple notes, despite his frantic arrival and scattered mind.
By the time he got back to the hotel room that evening, James was going insane. He was overthinking, the situation with Regulus running through his head again and again, never leaving, and after pacing and sitting and standing and laying down, doing absolutely nothing all the while, he decided he needed to get outside. So he scooped up his car keys, grabbed his coat, stepped into his shoes and left.
He realised as soon as he pulled out of the car park that he had no idea where he was going. He decided to just drive, watching the streetlights and stop lights light up the dark evening sky and the signs on the highway reflecting fragments of colour everywhere. The closest town was quite a ways away.
Maybe then, I'll fade away
And not have to face the facts
It's not easy facing up
When your whole world is black
He drove until the highway became a small street, lit up by house lights and the neon from store signs. He stopped in front of the first bar he saw, deciding that no, it was not a good idea, but he was somehow already outside of the car, and how much could one drink hurt?
Quite a bit was the answer. One led to two, which led to three and then more and then dancing with strangers (which was really, really fun) and calling Sirius at two am. He picked up of course.
“Hmm?” He did not sound awake, and clearly had not registered the caller ID, as James was not greeted with the usual delighted cry of “James!”
“Sirius!”
“James?”
“Oui, si, yes, that would be me.”
“Oh. James, are you drunk?”
“Nooooo, at least I don’t think so? I only had,” James tried to count on his fingers, but they didn’t seem to be working very well, “well anyway! How could you be?”
“James, you're pissed. It only takes, like, three drinks to get you well and truly drunk and you’re well past that.”
“Not well past it, just very, very slightly,” James pinched his index finger and thumb together as if Sirius could see him.
“Who’s with you?”
“Me. Also myself and I, or whatever it is people say.”
“You are alone at a bar. Drunk.”
“It would seem that way,” James spun around because he felt like it.
“Oh, that was not a good idea,” he muttered.
“What? James, what did you just do?” Sirius seemed mildly worried, as though James could’ve put himself in mortal peril in the span of a second (which should not be put past him).
“Ballet! Oh. Regulus does ballet,” and suddenly James had gone from feeling like spinning around forever to wanting to sob for no reason.
“Mhm, that he does. Do you have anyone near there you could call?”
“Mmm, I don’t think so. Regulus has grey eyes. Did you know that? Also he loves depressing music. But it’s actually quite good. It’s hopeful sometimes, somehow. Anyway.”
“James…”
“Yes?”
“I’m going to come get you.”
“You’re three hours away. No, actually more,” James began to attempt to calculate how many hours and minutes away Sirius was.
“You cannot drive like that.”
“I’ll call someone.” Sirius sighed.
“I’ll even send you a picture when I get to the hotel. Don’t you worry.”
“If you need anything just call.”
“Yep, love you, byeeeeee.”
“Love you too, bye, James.”
“Oooh, better not let Remus hear he might get jealous.”
“ Bye James,” Sirius sounded fondly exasperated as he did whenever James brought up Remus, like that .
“Goodbyeeeeee.”
He hung up and James almost called him back because he suddenly needed to tell someone about Regulus. Not even the fact that they’d kissed or that James was irreversibly so far gone on him. Just the fact that he existed. That was a miracle in and of itself in James’ opinion. Then as he was pulling Sirius’ contact back up, he realised that he was Regulus’ brother. Why that was important, James had forgotten, but it felt like a reason not to call Sirius about this particular issue. So of course he called Remus.
“Moony!”
“James?” Remus slurred his name, sounding very much asleep.
“Yep! Yes, yes, yes. Were you not awake?”
“Oh, you’re drunk. And no, definitely not awake.”
“Mmmmmaybe. I would’ve thought Sirius woke you up.”
“Sirius?”
“I called.”
“You called Sirius.”
“Yep,” James said, popping the p in ‘yep’.
“We’re in different rooms James, I wouldn’t have heard.”
“Oh.”
The line went silent for a second and then Remus said, “Do you have means to get home?”
“You know Padfoot asked the same thing. I think so. That is, I think I can get back to the hotel. Maybe.”
“Right. Any particular reason you called?”
“Regulus.”
“I’m sorry what?”
“Regulus.”
“Yes, okay, anything about Regulus specifically?”
“No. He exists and breathes and reads and dances, and, and lives .”
“Ummm, yes? James, did something happen with Regulus?”
“Mhm, but that’s not why I called.”
“Okay, you called because Regulus exists but you don’t want to tell me what happened to make you go and get pissed, which I assume has to do with him.”
“No. Or, well, sort of. But not really. It’s my fault.”
“What happened James?”
“He’s ignoring me.”
“Sounds like his fault.”
“Because I kissed him.”
“You WHAT?”
“Kissed him,” James made an exaggerated kiss noise into the speaker of his phone.
“You. Okay. Um, do you fancy him then, or just…got the sudden urge to kiss him?”
“No I am irre-vocab-versib-something-ly in,” James stopped. He was not in anything with Regulus, especially not, well, in love. “Like him. I like him quite a bit,” he finished.
“Right. Since when exactly?”
“Since a couple months ago, give or take ten years.”
“Ten what?!” Remus seemed to have choked on air.
“Years.” James got up from the stool he’d found and started spinning around again, much to the displeasure of his stomach.
“Ah, um, okay. And do you think he likes you back?”
“Mmmm,” James made a seesaw, maybe motion with his hand, as if Remus could see him, “not really.”
“Okay, did he kiss you back?”
“Well, yes, but…” James trailed off. Remus sighed.
“James, just talk to him. When you’re sober preferably.”
“M’kay, thanks Moony.”
“Don’t worry about it.”
“Bye, bye, bye.”
“Bye James.”
James stayed in the bar for a little while longer, drinking water and then drove back, slowly and carefully, pulling over if there were any other cars. He only saw one other car on the entire drive back (the town was asleep and the highway deserted; he was practically in the middle of nowhere).
Read between the lines
What's fucked up, and everything's alright
Check my vital signs
To know I'm still alive, and I walk alone
It was almost time to get up by the time he got back up to the hotel room but he crashed on the bed anyway.
The next morning (less than two hours later) he had 23 frantic texts from Sirius and a couple from Remus, so he responded in their group chat, taking a picture of himself, holding a thumbs up at the camera, to show that yes he was okay and alive despite the raging headache and all-around mild confusion.
The memories came back slowly and in a foggy state but he remembered everything. And why, why had he done that? Remus now knew that he was absolutely gone on Regulus and that he’d kissed him and also his head hurt. Badly. Despite this James got up. A heroic act in his book, truly.
Just talk to him. When you’re sober preferably , Moony had said. And James had agreed. Now he scoffed, his eyes closed against the harsh light that Regulus had probably turned on. Easier said than done. But he somehow made it out of the hotel room, dressed and hopefully presentable.
Remus texted as soon as he got out of the first talk he’d gone to (one of the science ones because there were no humanities ones and he’d thought why the hell not).
9:33
moonyyyyy: did you talk to him?
James :D : moony its been like 8 hours
moonyyyyy: ok and
James :D : no. no i did not
moonyyyyy: talk to him
moonyyyyy: you’re both idiots
James :D : i will!!!!
James :D : wait what do you mean both
moonyyyyy: im regs friend too yk
moonyyyyy: or at least sort of. he doesn’t like to admit it but we tolerate each others presence and get on. so.
James :D : wait did he say anything
moonyyyyy: no james you’re just both idiots
moonyyyyy: lovely idiots but idiots nonetheless
James :D : rude :(
moonyyyyy: excuse you i called you lovely
James :D : it really shows that you just woke up
moonyyyyy: now thats rude. plus i wake up earlier than sirius which has to count for something
James :D : sirius huh?? :)
moonyyyyy: yes?
James :D : see you two are actually idiots
James :D : (love you both ❤️ :))
James :D : also sirius wakes up at like 11 at the earliest so it counts for nothing
moonyyyyy: how are we idiots?
James :D : …
James pocketed his phone, walking into the second lecture hall of the day, leaving Remus with absolutely nothing. But honestly, they were both so obviously oblivious and sometimes James just wanted to lock them in a small space, scream ‘you like each other, now kiss,’ and run. But even that probably wouldn’t do much. They’d play it off as James’ antics , or whatever excuse they could make up so that they didn’t have to talk about their glaringly obvious love.
He kept fidgeting and losing focus during the talk so he slipped out towards the end and went to walk around. Soon enough everyone started coming out of the halls and heading to the hotel for lunch, so he let himself be carried with the crowd.
He went straight up to the hotel room instead of staying for lunch, because as Regulus would say, people . But Regulus wasn’t there, or anywhere, really, because he wasn’t speaking to James. Which was…fine. It was fine. Regulus needed space. They’d fought and James had kissed him and now he needed space. Which was fine. Probably healthy. James sighed and laid down on his bed. He powered on the small speaker he’d brought and as soon as he did, the music started blasting at full volume. He turned it down.
You think being yourself
Means being unworthy
And it's hard to love
With a heart that's hurting
But if you want to go out dancing
I know a place
At some point he must’ve gotten up because he was suddenly at the entrance of the hotel, and the music was coming from earbuds. He could not remember walking down at all. But there he was so he looked at the time and decided that if he wanted to get to the next lecture he wanted to on time, he would have to sprint. Safe to say, he did not get to his lecture on time.
He was interested. Truly. This had been one of the topics he’d been really looking forward to actually. It was just that Regulus was doing his first performance in an hour and thirty-two minutes. So James was paying less attention than he’d have liked. He took notes and tried all his tricks for focusing from when he was a kid in school or even in uni. It would work for a bit and then he would think of something or see something that made him think of Regulus. He didn’t even realise the talk was over until most of the people had already filed out. He decided to go talk to the speaker because he still had twelve minutes (and fourteen seconds) to get to the performing arts building which was about two minutes away. And knowing himself, James knew he’d use the other ten to overthink and worry. So instead he had a fascinating discussion on literature, ancient civilizations, modern society and societal expectations. He still had six minutes (and twenty-eight seconds) when he walked out of the hall.
He got one of the seats close to the front despite getting there about four minutes before the performance started. The lights dimmed and James was acutely aware of his heart beating in his chest. It didn’t start until five minutes after, letting the audience get settled. It was a duet, a pas de deux, as it was apparently called. A petite woman came on from the left and James watched rapt as she danced. He had never seen someone dance as she was. It was like she was flying across the stage gracefully, feet barely touching the floor. The thing is James was not focused on the woman. As soon as he caught sight of Regulus coming from the right, he couldn’t look away.
If he was impressed by the woman, he was mesmerised by Regulus. He’d never properly seen him dance and he was very much regretting that. He didn’t take his eyes off Regulus the entire performance, watching as he moved like water, falling and getting up as though gravity didn’t exist, flitting across the stage in seconds, looking as though he never did anything else. He was in his element. He felt a hot stab of something suspiciously akin to jealousy as Regulus spun around with the woman, pressed right up against her. He lifted her as though she weighed nothing, spinning her in the air, and James gasped.
It was over all too soon in James’ opinion, and he blinked as the lights came back on. As they did, Regulus scanned the crowd and met James' eyes, his own widening slightly, before running back into the wing. James shook his head, getting up to leave with the rest of the crowd. After that he went to the art gallery for a bit (it didn’t clear his mind as much as he’d hoped but it was nice) and went to one more talk before going back to the hotel to go to the mixer before dinner.
He went straight back to the patio, thoughts still swirling around his head as he rounded the building. As soon as he stepped into the area everything seemed to come at him all at once. All the sights and sounds intensified and he took a breath, put on a smile and went to talk to the other history presenters he’d met. He felt shaky as he was talking to them, but the thoughts receded as he kept a conversation. Halfway through a sentence James trailed off. He’d caught sight of Regulus. One of the people in the group asked him if he was okay. He smiled and shook his head, answered that of course he was, why wouldn’t he be? Then he changed the subject back to their previous conversation.
Because my love for you
Would break my heart in two
If you should fall into my arms
Tremblin' like a flower
Let's dance
For fear your grace should fall
Let's dance
For fear tonight is all
He wandered off after a bit to get food and as he was picking up a drink, he realised that it was really, really loud. Usually he didn’t have a problem with this. After all, he was usually the loudest presence in the room. But right then all he could hear was the clinking of glass and metal and he had the sudden childish urge to cover his ears. He shook it off, downing his drink. But he looked for a familiar face and couldn’t find any. The sounds were getting louder and the string lights were boring into his eyes. He needed space. He practically ran out of the patio, to an alcove on the side of the hotel. His breathing was coming hard and he couldn’t focus on anything other than pulling air into his lungs; it felt like he couldn’t get enough. Like he was drowning. He heard his own, ragged, wheezing breaths as if he were a million miles away.
“James?”
James couldn’t respond, even when he saw Regulus come around the corner. Regulus seemed to take in the scene in front of him. He stared at James with his intense gaze, which softened after a second. He spoke in a low tone,
“Oh. Okay. Um, I think you’re having a panic attack.”
James was still trying to force air into his lungs, which felt like they were collapsing, but if he could’ve spoken he would’ve told Regulus that he wasn’t because he had never had one before and why would he be panicking now? If he had to choose a point in his life where panicking would’ve seemed apt it would’ve been about two years prior, not right then.
“James?” He looked up at Regulus, who then said,
“Okay I need you to time your breaths.” Regulus then started breathing and counting and the pressure on James’ lungs lessened just a little.
“Can you tell me five things you see?” James tried to focus on his voice but his breaths kept speeding up and he couldn’t.
“James.”
“You,” James finally rasped out.
Regulus held up one finger, “Good, what else?”
“The cement, my shoes, that window and…” James trailed off the band around his chest seeming to tighten. He clenched his hand.
“My hand,” he finished
“Okay four things you feel.”
“My heartbeat, the wind, my shirt,” (which felt uncomfortably scratchy) “and my nails” (which were now digging into his palm).
Regulus tapped his hand and pried his fist open softly as he said, “three things you hear.”
“The music,” (which was coming from the mixer), “my breathing,” (which was slowly returning to a normal rate), “and your breathing,” (which was still somehow perfectly regular and in time with the counting he’d had James do at the beginning).
“Two things you smell.”
“Alcohol,” (someone had clearly found this alcove before James and gotten pissed), “and you.”
“One thing you taste.”
“Champagne,” (the aftertaste of the champagne he’d drunk at the mixer was still on his tongue).
“Okay. Okay, good. Feeling better?” Regulus asked, still speaking softer than James had ever heard.
And James was. He was breathing in time with Regulus as he said, “yeah, um, thank you for…,” and gestured vaguely. Regulus nodded and then got up to leave. He almost asked Regulus to stay, but then remembered that Regulus hadn’t spoken to him in the past four days.
So he just got up shakily and went back to the patio. He spoke with the group he’d met for another hour, brushing off the questions about where he’d gone, until they all decided to go up to get ready for dinner. It was a semi-formal thing, only the first couple and the last one were suit-and-gown-level-fancy events but James still went up to his hotel room, if nothing else for a little space.
He put on music and went into the bathroom to splash water on his face and comb his hair.
"Why are you so far away", she said
Why won't you ever know that I'm in love with you
That I'm in love with you?
You, soft and only
You, lost and lonely
You, strange as angels
Dancing in the deepest oceans
He came out trying to put his tie on (for the third time), and looked up only to see Regulus staring back at him judgmentally.
“Did you never have to tie a tie for uniforms?”
“No-I, we had to wear these strange robes. And if I ever did I’d just get Moony to do it.”
“Right.”
James took a breath, “Um, do you mind-could you help me?” He asked, holding out the tie, which he’d managed to get off his neck. Regulus hesitated and then took the tie from James, rolling his eyes. He looped it around James’ neck, looking intensely focused. James felt a sudden rush of affection as Regulus stepped back and muttered, “done.” He caught Regulus’ hand which earned him a glare, so he dropped it and decided that was the perfect moment to ‘just talk to him’ as Remus would say.
“I want to talk. And if you don’t that’s-that’s fine. I know I may have been…overbearing or come on too strong the other day, but I just want you to listen.” Regulus stood still. Then he turned around looking at James with his intense stare. But it had something else to it. Something that James liked to think was just his. Or maybe James was delusional. But Regulus’ eyes bore into him with an emotion that James couldn’t place and James started. How hard could it be to tell him I like you ?
“I-I know you’ve been avoiding me, and that’s perfectly reasonable, I would not hold it against you if you moved rooms or anything. I just-I want you to be comfortable.”
Regulus scoffed, “as if you haven’t been avoiding me .
James was a little baffled, “I thought you wanted space?”
Regulus just kept looking at him and then made a little motion with his head as if to say, is there a point to all of this?
James took another breath, “I want to-I want,” he paused, then restarted, trying again. Trying to say, I want to go out with you because I like you and want to spend my life with you . Regulus was still studying him with that expression. “I-” but he didn’t get much further than that because Regulus surged forward and kissed him. And James’ brain short-circuited, everything he’d wanted to say and every thought he had fleeing as he kissed Regulus back.
“Fine,” Regulus breathed, barely tilting his face away, so that their lips were practically still touching, “but it’s just sex. That’s it. No complications, deal?” What he meant was no feelings , it was hanging in the air between them, unspoken but practically said.
“Okay,” James said, breathless, meeting Regulus’ eyes. And it was, wasn’t it? Something with Regulus was better than nothing. And he’d spare them both the hurt and awkwardness of his unreciprocated feelings. Regulus was right, if he said anything, complicated it by confessing how he felt, it would be over because one, Regulus didn't like him, that he was sure of. And two, they’d both end up hurt even if he did. So it was okay. James could do ‘just sex’. They’d done it before hadn’t they?
As soon as the word was out of his mouth, Regulus turned them around, backing James into the wall and kissing him roughly. They stayed like that until James pulled back, resting his forehead on Regulus’, breathing hard. Regulus stepped back for a second and James caught his hand, leading Regulus over to his bed and only letting go to lay down. He looked up at Regulus, opened his arms and said, “C’mere,” to which Regulus responded by doing exactly so, putting one arm on either side of James’ head and leaving bite marks down his neck.
Her fight and fury's fiery
Oh, but she loves like sleep to the freezing
Sweet and right and merciful, I'm all but washed
In the tide of her breathing
And it's worth it, it's divine
I have this some of the time
Regulus slipped out of James’ arms, got dressed and went back to his own bed as soon as they’d finished. His blank expression seemed to be telling James, ‘just sex, remember?’ .
Oh James was going to regret this wasn’t he?