Just Like Old Times, Ugh
By home, they meant the place where they grew up. Where they were surrounded by love, Brazilian songs and colorful smiles. Home is where the heart is. Not exactly a place, but a group of people that made that place feel so comfortable and sweet. Home was Effie, with her jokes, her dozen children and her unique peach smell, she was home with her easy smiles and overflowing love, with her scolds and terrifying sharpness when needed, she was home with her deep, long lasting hugs, she was home with those beautiful colorful dresses she wore when she was happy or when her eyes shone just by looking at the life she made. Home was Monty, with those big thick glasses and loud voice, always singing and infecting people with his cheerness, he was home with his delicious food and the need to teach his boys to be perfect gentlemen every time he got the chance, not wasting a moment to eulogise his wonderful wife and put her on a pedestal. Home was Sirius, with his need to learn Brazilian Portuguese just because his father came from there, with the black eyeliner and smokey eyes he wore on special occasions, with his dark long curls he says he got from Effie, even though they are not blood related. Sirius was home with his drama queen attitude and glee personality. Regulus was home with his mean attitude or his sarcastic remarks, pretending to not care when he usually does (and a lot), he was home with his easygoing relationship with James’ parents, he was home with his books and his enthusiasm talking about them, with tons and tons of movie nights and mac and cheese. He was home with dark curls that smelled like coconut and summer days. Home was the house they ran around when they were toddlers, children, teenagers and now, young adults. They may have not lived together for all those years, but they sure were a family since the start.
Since Effie wanted to have more children running around the yard and getting their clothes all messed up with dirt, but never could. Since Effie laid eyes on those two lonely children that had no one to come to after a school play. Since James’ eyes shone along with hers, since Monty knew after a very first glance that it was them. He knew they would be a family from the very first day.
“Look, Mummy! Friends!” Six-year-old James grinned, one hand tied with his mother’s and the other pointing at two kids sitting on a bench accompanied by someone from the school staff, a young woman that looked bored to be babysitting.
Mummy’s eyes sparkled as she first glanced at them, Daddy’s eyes looked confused for a second, trying to find the source of her incandescing gaze. He quickly found them, and understood what was happening almost as fast.
She walked over to the two little boys, partially guided by James and partially because she was lured to their little blue eyes and scared looks. Daddy followed along, his hand was resting on Mummy’s lower back, in an act of fondness.
“Hey, is everything alright with them?” She asked the staff lady, holding James hand so he wouldn’t go too far away from her reach in that crowded place.
“Yes, Mrs. Potter.” The young woman replied, smiling towards the kids, “they’re just waiting for their chauffeur, now.”
Maybe that was when it happened for Mummy. “Oh, I see,” she nodded, then bent over towards them, putting James right in front of her, while he smiled a toothless smile to them. “Hello,” she said, using a soft voice she reserved for James. “My name is Euphemia and this is my son James,” she smiled graciously while James nodded and waved eagerly.
The older blue-eyed boy instantaneously grinned back, showing his teeth (or the lack of them) just like James. “Hi! I’m Six and this is my brother Reggie!” He gestured to the little boy next to him, who was almost hiding himself behind Six, clearly timid in the whole situation.
“Hi, Six! Hi Reggie!” Effie smiled at them.
James pulled up in front of that house, smiling to himself, that place never looked empty. There was always a speaker on or warm lights or laughs coming from those old blue windows. Even the silence in that house doesn’t feel hollow. He got out of the car first and Regulus already knew better to wait quietly in his seat, so James could open up his door for him, as always. There was nothing more James’ than his chivalry. One time, when they were younger, he was giving Regulus a lift to Miss Estella’s and Reg dared to get out of the car before James could open his door for him. He was late to his piano practice, but James made him get inside so he could properly open the door for Reggie.
They both could hear Effie’s favorite song, Menina Veneno playing way too loud from outside, which usually meant special occasions. James was walking side by side with Regulus, casually concerned now. Did he forget an anniversary or a birthday? His fingers fidget in his pocket at the same time his eyebrows furrowed in his forehead. “Do you know what’s happening inside?” He whispered to the man next to him, who now also looked kind of confused.
“No?” He whispered back, switching his glance between James and the door. “Sirius just told me to drop my papers and bring you,” Reggie explained, shrugging.
“Okay, then.” James mouthed, before reaching to open the door. Regulus quickly moved behind him, probably hiding in case there were old aunts waiting to squeeze his cheeks. James didn’t blame him, he knew the pain.
But also, James froze once he completely opened that door, and it was totally for the particular sight that was waiting for him in the living room, not at all for the sneak little hand that was touching his back behind him. Maybe he stood there for a while, just staring and with his head spinning, because Reg gently moved his hand to James’ arm and asked, “what happened?” as he moved next to James. “Oh.”
“Ah, there you are, boys.” Effie grinned, coming to them. “James, go change your hospital clothes, honey,” she warned before wrapping Regulus in a warm hug, which he promptly retributed. “Missed you," she whispered in an odd manner for only Reg and James to hear. But wasn’t Regulus just there, like, an hour ago? Oh! Right. Sometimes, she spoke in codes. This time was one of them. What she really meant with that weird voice was that it wasn’t planned, that Elliot being there wasn’t her idea, at least.
Well. Isn’t this quite fun? Just like old times, ugh.
James really loves Elliot, but ah. Can some things change, please? He doesn’t really enjoy the memories that are coming back in a quick flash to his mind right now. Just like old times, but not so old. Not old enough that little Elliot wasn’t a part of their routine yet, not the times that felt comfortable to live in, to appreciate and swim through the highs of good, endearing memories. Can’t James catch a little break from all the overwhelming life loves to bring upon his back for him to carry up a hill? Where is the pause, when is the inhaling coming? Like, damn.
He is a bit annoyed at this situation, since Elliot is Reggie’s ex. Not boyfriend, ex. To be frank, James understands he is trying to get Regulus back, but crashing a family dinner on a Thursday night? Isn’t this a little too… drastic? Invasive? If Elliot really loved Reg, he would savvy that this is a more private, familiar thing, and also, Regulus hates this kind of pressure and attitude. Or used to, in any case.
Honestly, Elliot’s presence makes James a little nervous. James doesn’t really understand why, but he can’t quite fathom to be himself around the younger man. It’s more like a part of James doesn’t want to disappoint Regulus by making the wrong impression to Elliot. It’s like that part of James is still stuck around his soul, always trying to impress and make Reggie smile. Always protective of his younger friend, either to comfort him in the process of getting vaccines or to make sure he is having a good time. It’s the need to always protect him that James never learned how to get rid of, even though Reggie never needed him to.
This weird feeling towards Elliot probably also had something to do with James’ teenage heartbreak, or the following months after it. The process of adjusting to their new normal, the new person in their life, the new brother. Because that was what happened, Elliot became family. Him and Reggie started dating about three or four months after the day she died. The rise of fall. Leaves started dropping along with James’ heart, so he had to learn how to welcome the cold, because it would be everywhere from that moment on. Just like old times. Ugh.
Sirius was eyeing James a little weird, tilting his head and deeply staring at James’ eyes, like was confused, which meant James was probably grimacing. So he put on a smile to hide his brief discontent and addressed the whole room quickly, “Imma gonna go up to change then, see you guys in a bit.”
When he first started moving towards the other room that led to the stairs, James felt something, someone holding on to him. Regulus was still hiding behind James, holding a piece of his shirt to stop him, or slow him down, making James involuntarily cease his rushed movements and look back for an instant.
Regulus sent him a look that James understood in the blink of half a second. ‘Please, let me go with you.’ James quickly (and discreetly) nodded, shooting him a smile that clearly said ‘of course, didn’t even need to ask.’
They are finally getting to know each other again and James is absolutely adoring it. He knew this man once, he can’t wait to know all of him again. If everything or nothing has changed, he is eager to unfold every little piece of this soul he missed so much.
“And I’m gonna borrow Reggie a little,” James grinned, gently taking Regulus’ wrist, pretending it was him who wanted to get Regulus out of the living room for a bit. “I need his help with something,” James rapidly explained when Elliot raised his eyebrows, and then quickly closed the door behind both of them, so Effie could go back to her seat. Regulus waved an ‘hi’ for everyone, more for Ellie, since he was the new guest that wasn’t there when he got out to drop the tests and grab James.
“Everything alright, guys?” Elliot asked, a tad of worry flowing in his voice.
“Yeah, yeah,” James reassured. “Just a problem with an old camera, you know?” He added, glazing at his parents for any kind of support.
“Oh, yes, my camera!” Monty exclaimed, diving into James’ lie, while Effie and Sirius stared at each other knowingly. James knew Sirius would probably ask some questions later.
Both James and Regulus took this as a cue to leave, directing themselves to the stairs.
“Thank you,” Regulus whispered once they got to James’ bedroom.
James raised his eyebrows, “wanna talk about that?” he asked, gesturing his head in a downward movement, thinking about the boy downstairs.
“Ah,” Regulus breathed, letting his body fall on James’ fluffy bed. “He wants me back,” Reg shrugged, his eyes following James’ every move around the bedroom. “Sirius thinks I’m still in love with him,” he added, making James stop for a moment.
It makes sense now. Elliot being there, Sirius’ suspicions towards James. He just wants his brother to be happy. “Well, that explains a lot,” James nodded, offering Reggie a simple smile.
Regulus just stood still, his gaze lost in James’ wood ceiling. It had stars stuck to it since James was six, seven years old, and they still shine sometimes. That, and by that, James means Elliot, was probably a sensitive topic for Regulus, but as James looked for an old shirt and pair of pants in his drawers, the yearning to ask was itching his skin, as if there was this desire to know trying to get out of his body, lacerating his derma from inside out since his tongue was blocking its freedom.
My Atlantis.
Once he found what he was looking for, he ceased his motions and leaned on the dresser and casually crossed his arms, a peaceful and covenant expression stamped on his face, avid to understand this man once again. “Are you, though?” He asked, his insides longing for an answer he presumably already knew.
If I knew that I could reach you, I would go.
“Am I what?” Reg questioned back, wandering away from the stars glued to the ceiling and focusing on James instead, his arms also crossed, but more like he was cold and trying to cover himself from the chills, his fingers fidgeting through his own skin.
James was about to give him a sweater, but he remembered it was too hot for Regulus to be cold, so he stopped himself before and gave it a better thought. “Still in love,” James answered, following with a better formulated question, “are you still in love with him?” He breathed, slowly crawling on to the bed and laying next to Regulus.
“Ah,” Reg deflated. “No. I’m not.”
Well. James wasn’t expecting this answer. Regulus and Elliot have been together for what? Nine years? James is kinda surprised they didn’t get married or something. Reg’s fingers kept on fidgeting in between their bodies. “You want me to kick him out?” James whispered, reaching for Reggie’s hand and intertwining their fingers, so Regulus could breathe for a moment and relax his tensed muscles. But also, this was a risk move. He didn’t want to deepen his anxiety by making him uncomfortable, so James also let the air he was holding back in his lungs out when he felt Regulus loosen up and lock their fingers tightly. James turned his head to look at his profile, only to see a big smile on his face, his dimple showing off, along with his freckles and moles heightened by the summer. Touch always made his anxiety get better.
“No, no,” Regulus whispered back. “No need.” He lost his happy smile, a sad one taking over. James hated to witness that, so he accompanied Reg on the little stargazing inside doors, caressing Reggie’s hand with his thumb, trying to give him some kind of reassurance and support.
“You know I'm always here for you, right?” James whispered that night, tightening the grip on Regulus’ hand to prove that.
“Trust me, I know.” Regulus smiled, a tear almost falling down his face.
“You’ll call?” James asked hopefully, even if those grey eyes already had an answer on them.
Regulus only gave him a sad smile, the person on the speaker already calling for his flight.
James nodded, or tried to, since he was lying down, “Okay, but if his presence is bothering you, you just need to ask.”
Regulus giggled a little, probably appreciating the gesture. “It's not,” he tried to reassure.
James only gave him a look that instantaneously broke his white lie down.
Regulus groaned a little, giving up. “Ok, it is, but not because of him,” he explained. “I feel guilty.”
James’ hand was still tied along with Regulus’, so he could feel his muscles starting to tense up again, his gaze shifting from James’ face to the ceiling for a brief moment, along with a sprinkle of sadness shining on his eyes.
“Guilty?” James asked softly, intensifying the caresses on the other man’s hand, reasserting that it was okay, that Reg only needed to take a deep breath and James would be there.
Apparently, Reggie felt comfortable enough to continue, so he deepened his explanation after a long sigh, “this is not the first time we broke up.” He seemed bothered, like something was also trapped in throat and couldn’t make its way out, as if Reggie was holding back and tasting the sour taste of his truth alone.
That answer surprised James. What do you mean they have broken up once? As far as James knew, they kept a relationship all this time. But again, James knew little about him in this gap of their friendship. “No?” He breathed, trying not to sound too surprised.
Regulus only shook his head, turning to face James again. “No. First time was three years ago,” He sighed, before clearing his throat, “But we still lived together and kept on being friends. We eventually got back together about…” He stopped, tilting his head like he was trying to remember the exact date it happened, “...a year ago, but then I broke it off again in March.”
How did Elliot do it? James caught himself thinking. How did he manage to live in the same house alone with Regulus and not be together? Watching him move on with his life, maybe talk to other people or having a new partner. How? And after so many years of a solid relationship! James doesn’t think he would be able to witness the loss of someone like that.
But wait.
Regulus broke it off? What? That doesn’t make sense in the book Fate has been writing and reading to James since he was sixteen. Except she always enjoyed playing tricks on little James. He couldn’t help but ask, though. The equation wasn’t making sense. “You did?”
“Yeah,” Regulus frowned. “You're surprised,” he affirmed, clearly not expecting this reaction from James. “Why are you surprised?” He barely breathed, but since they were close and face to face, James heard.
The blood rushed to James’ cheeks in a fast motion. “I don’t know,” He shrugged, now it was his turn to look away and admire the ceiling stars. “I just had this idea in my head that you guys were forever in love with each other. To be honest, I was waiting for wedding invitations.”
The thought of Regulus marrying Elliot was something that James accepted with the passing of the years, he would be happy for them if it happened. But there was something about stating it out loud that struck something in his stomach, like a cut from the inside that James couldn’t reach to make the burning stop. Saying it out loud for the first time made the possibility real, and this scared the teenager fragment of his soul. Like something was wrong and James didn’t trust Elliot was qualified enough to… take care (?) of Reg. James doesn’t know. This makes him confused.
Regulus chuckled a little, taking James off guard again, making their eyes meet again when Regulus carried on with his statement. “No,” He reaffirmed. “It was, at some point, but I… I changed, you know?” Reg explained, looking into big brown yes, like he was searching for a hint of disappointment. “I wasn’t the person Elliot wanted me to be. And he wasn’t my person.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah.” Regulus looked away, apprehensive about his own feelings, like he was a bad person for changing. No. He wasn’t. James just knew it.
“But why do you feel guilty?” James asked anyway, surely there was more to it, Reggie isn’t one to feel this down over nothing.
“Because it’s all my fault. I built a relationship with him, even though I wasn't in love with him for a very good part of it,” Regulus whispered like they weren’t alone in this room, his voice starting to shake a little. “But I didn't want to make things worse by ending it. So it became a huge snow ball.”
And you were right at the bottom of the cliff waiting for it to hit you, weren’t you darling?
“It’s not your fault.” James said firmly, fully reaching to hug Regulus now, intertwining everything with him, touching every scrap of skin he could as Regulus immediately immersed himself in that hug, searching for the comfort James was willing to give.
“It is, though.” He remarked, his voice muffled by the deep hug, not believing James or trying to convince himself that that was the truth.
James shook his head, taking care not to bother the head full of curls buried in his chest. “You’re human, baby. You have the right to get some things twisted in life sometimes. Don’t bury yourself over it. Make better choices now, try to build a life in which you are your biggest priority. You just can’t keep on lying to yourself or him, it will only dig the cut.”
“I know.” He whispered, His warm breath hitting the skin of James’ naked neck. “That’s what I had in mind when I booked those flight tickets.”
James felt a smile forming on the lips that were touching his skin, resulting in a soft grin of his own, as he massaged Regulus’ scalp in an attempt to calm him a little.
They remained like that until someone opened the door, barging in.