In A Rush

Flashback

10-9 years ago

May 14th

These past few days have been weird. Off. Regulus is different. Something happened, James just doesn’t know what. Although he has been even closer, he’s closed. Somehow distant, but at the same time, right there. Since that strange weekend where he took off in the middle of the night, things between them have been peculiar. He stays the night, he clings to James as hard as he can, but his smile is gone. The wrinkles in his eyes that appeared every time James made a bad joke or kissed his cheek were no longer there. The sparkle in those grey irises disappeared and nobody knew what was going on. 

Trust me, James tried. Oh, how he tried. He asked Reggie what was happening, but he always said everything was fine. 

Fine, fine, fine. 

James really can’t see where this is fine, though he won’t push it. He respects Reggie’s decision to not talk about whatever was that, yet he will be there to support him the same. He'll be Regulus’s ground if he asks, if he wants him to. James will be there with open arms and ears to help him with whatever he was going through. Even if it breaks him a little to see someone he loves so far away. 

James can’t help thinking he has done something wrong. Maybe he messed up somewhere and didn't notice it. Maybe he overstepped? Did too much? Or too little? Regulus definitely deserves the world and he knows it. So James probably did too little. He didn’t value this boy enough and now he’s losing him. 

Oh. 

Am I losing Reg?

Oh no. Oh no. No. No!

His eyes started watering up immediately, the air leaving his lungs in the blink of an eye, a cruel choking hold of his heart bringing him down, as his eyelids failed and closed for the first time, releasing a small river of tears, desperation flooding his veins, the not so spilled blood struggling to keep up with the fast rhythm of his scared little teenage heart. And suddenly he remembers where he is and the people with whom he is here with. They are all sleeping now, but James still makes an effort to recompose himself.

Today was supposed to be a fun day, the school was taking some of the kids to see this cool ecological park that had some interesting plants and animals that they could study. But Sirius, Regulus and most of his friends chose not to come. ‘What knowledge could a plant bring me? The best some of those could do is get me high and I bet there won’t be this kind of plant there.’ Sirius said once James tried to drag him to the trip, unsuccessfully. Pete was coming, but he got sick and cancelled. Marlene said, and I quote ‘not wasting my precious money on this. I rather get drunk on the weekend, thanks.’ which is very reasonable, if you give it some thought. Mary just shrugged and said she wasn’t in the mood to wake up early on a school day when she had the opportunity to sleep more. Lily, thank god, being a nerd like James, promptly gave in to the idea, yapping about the hundreds of things they could learn and experience. So James was now stuck in a train full of overly dosed in caffeine teenagers at seven AM with a sleeping Lils by his side and Regulus’ friends in front of them. Barty, Evan and some new guy named Elliot. He has a small figure, blond long hair and a very pale skin. His eyes looked green or something near that. He was the definition of a Greek god. Shy, preserved, definitively not loud or annoying. He blushed really easily and since they got on that train together and got to meet each other, he seemed uncomfortable with the presence of James. Maybe it was something from James’ head, but he knew that it was weird. He should’ve noticed it was his first clue. 

Barty was extremely agitated that morning, bragging to them all the time about how little Elliot was this and that. Evan was mostly annoyed with that, but that’s something James noticed because he didn’t want to pay attention to Barty and little Elliot. He was way more invested in the complexity of Evan Rosier. Evan is his favourite friend of Regulus’ for many reasons, but the main one is that he’s the type of person that never fails in welcoming and making people feel the most comfortable around him, even if he dislikes them. James is live proof of that. Once he was trying to get more involved with Regulus and his friends, Evan was the first and only to really offer hospitality in the group, besides Reg, of course. Rosier wasn’t pleased with the idea of another person amongst their closed little circle, but he was also the first to put on a smile and talk to James like he was one of them already, making jokes and laughing with him. That quickly transformed into a bond. They respected and valued each other, they enjoyed the other’s presence and began to build a nice friendship. 

Now, being the only one awake, James stares shamelessly. Evan quite looks like Barty’s new kid, except Evan's hair was shorter, his eyes tended more to a blue and he was fairly tall. He was sleeping with a frown on his forehead, his face shut like he was deeply invested in his dreaming, but also with a foot in reality, since his worries couldn’t vanish away in the snap of a finger, following him around like a ghost trapped in a haunted soul. Always there, even if you can’t see it. 

Lily was also sleeping in her seat next to James, using her seat and the empty one next to it to lay down. There was something about her being the only girl in their little group that made everyone wanna take care of her. Barty was (surprisingly) the first one to offer her his bag to use as a pillow, then Evan granted his big jersey to cover her up, James offered his lap for her to lay her feet and Elliot was always giving her food and making sure she drank water. Basically she was getting the princess treatment from them and was having the time of her life, absolutely accepting anything they offered. 

Barty was peacefully sleeping in the middle of Evan and Elliot, his face half covered with an old sweatshirt, his hands buried in the pockets of that same sweater, his left knee spread open, slightly touching Evan’s, whilst little Elliot pretended to sleep on Barty's shoulder. 

Adorable, little Elliot. There was something about him that made James feel weird. And Elliot probably had that same feeling, since he was also clearly uneasy around James. He knows James is the only one awake now, and yet he refuses to open his eyes, so that would make it inevitable for them to talk at least a little. Maybe he is just shy? James understands, he was shy once. But the feeling that something is wrong is still floating around his stomach, adding up with the idea that he might lose Regulus, which wasn’t a great match. He feels sick just thinking about it, so he better control himself, just for the rest of the day. 

He has a long, beautiful day in a park waiting for him. And tomorrow will be international Mondler day, so he will marathon Friends episodes with Reg all day after school. Everything was fine. Everything would be fine.

###

About an hour and a half later, they arrived at their destination, The Broads National Park, and honestly, this trip is a blur in James’ head. He barely remembers anything from it. He can point out the things they did, boating, cycling, walking, watching animal wild life, etcetera. It was a good get away and he did have fun. It would be an excellent day, if it wasn’t for the end of it. 

The beginning of disaster. 

Once they got to the train to head back to London, it was already dark. James thought he was about to get a few hours of sleep, but Barty had other plans. That boy was so damn electric, he slept all the way through the morning trip, and drowned himself in energetic drinks and fancy coffees during the course of the day. So obviously, he thought it would be a good idea to keep everyone up along with him. James mentally rolled his eyes, because honestly, he is kinda sick of Bartemious today. 

It’s not that James doesn’t like the guy. It’s just that they don’t match each other’s freak and the only thing they have in common is their love for a certain blue eyed boy. Barty was just… too much for James. He makes inadequate jokes and, ah. Fuck it, he just doesn’t like the guy. There’s something about him and his voice that makes James go sick instantaneously, or the way he acts like everyone is less than him, thinking he is the coolest person in the room, or the way he likes making fun of younger kids and getting them in trouble just for laughs. And mostly, the way he looks at JamesAndRegulus when they’re together and extra touchy or public displaying affection, throwing knives at them with a single, full of hatred glance. He really doesn’t understand what Regulus sees in him or what’s so special or why would his boy ever maintain a friendship with someone so… horrible. 

Usually, James tried to see good in people, never judging and always prompting himself to help and make sure they’re okay. But he isn’t perfect. There's something about the way Barty acts that just disgusts James and corrodes his will to understand whatever is making him act like that, so he steps away. He doesn’t like the guy, but he would never do something to get to him, trouble or terrorise him. He stays away and minds his own business, preserving the politeness his parents gave him. He is Regulus’ friend, after all. And if Reg likes him, James can do his best to at least tolerate him. 

Right now, everyone is deeply engaged in something Barty’s saying about the weekend and this party that is happening in a girl’s (that James never heard of) place, inviting everyone there because apparently it will be open for the public and etcetera etcetera. James was pretending to be asleep in the corner, just listening to the conversation. He froze immediately when he heard Regulus’ name in a way he wasn’t expecting. 

Paired with Elliot. 

“Well, little Elliot here is worried Reggie won’t like him.” Barty had said, giggling. James could hear the beam in his voice. 

His heart skipped a beat.

There was nothing explicit about that sentence, but it was another drop of agony to a filled glass. Reaching to the ends of James’s high spirits, peeling and tearing them apart like they were made of thin, fragile paper, with no ability to cut. 

Barty kept going. “Don’t worry, he’s already falling for your charms. Ah, young love.” he suspired, making James lose his mind for a second. 

In that second, a huge drop fell into the cup, but not enough for the overflow. Something way more complex than physics was holding the excess sea in that tiny cup, keeping the storm together. Reality was catching up with him, so  James ‘woke up’ from his nap, gathered his wired headphones and put his favourite playlist on. Evan looked confused, like he didn’t know what was going on, but at the same time, James saw some kind of selfishness in his eyes. He wouldn’t find out the meaning of that until years later. Barty simply shot a smirk at James, Lily was sleeping like a bear and Elliot… Little fucking Elliot looked like he was sorry for what just happened, extremely out of place, even though a smile would catch his face eventually. 

James didn’t know back then, but that moment in the train would haunt him for years. He wouldn’t forget those phrases, the smirk, the looks and the gloom as much as he tirelessly tried to. He was doomed to be perpetually followed by the echoes of his rupture. 

###

Lily’s mum dropped him off at his place. It was twenty past midnight, he looked up before going inside. The stars were shining in the sky, almost hiding how dark it was, just a hollow, open melancholia penetrating his body, going straight for his spirit, a true, plain stygian empyrean, emptied by the loss of its brightest force. The abduction of James’ connection with those sources of radiance happened in the break of an embellished last stare that dark May night. 

The stars looked at him and they knew he wasn’t coming back. It was a subtle goodbye, the blinks and the glow talking to him, begging him to stay, a sanctum in the middle of the jet-black firmament inviting him in, a drop of hope in the middle of a nightmare on its knees to have the chance of seeing James again. 

Except his fate was already sealed. The angels that flied around his oasis in between the stars left him that gloomy night, dropping their halos in his lap, doomed to thaw in the gaps of his fingers, burning his fragile shell, leaving the sun to ignite itself on a lonely, elongated journey, while the moon watched him fall apart from afar, sharing her tears with Earth, who suffered the consequences of a smoulder storm. 

Regulus was in the kitchen, waiting for James with something for him to eat. He looked tired in a big shirt that belonged to a drawer in James’ wardrobe, and a simple pair of chequered dark blue shorts. He looked angelic, drifting to sleep on the counter every five seconds. James stood there, in the dark, simply watching, because in the depths of his gut, he knew. He knew it was the last time he could do it and watch an honest smile form on those soft lips for the very first time in weeks, but also the last. Because everything would fall apart, eventually. He didn’t want to believe that what Barty said was true, he didn’t believe that shit, yet the feeling, the pressentiment that it was soon to be over was there. He said goodbye to the stars. They knew. 

Right now, his brain can’t quite comprehend what was going on. The denial was knocking, or to be more accurate, smacking the shit out of his door, and he wouldn’t let it in. That meant accepting grief, and by accepting grief, he would have to lose something. Someone. He wasn’t there yet. He didn’t want to rush the dolour when the rupture didn’t even happen. He had a few more seconds in staring before Regulus realised he was there, he had a few more seconds of his fairytale castle being up before the stones and the fire put it down. The soon to be crumbles might as well bury him with them, trapping him underneath the wreckage, so he wouldn’t have to go out and face the sun. And face the changes, the broadening of the woods and the glow of the night sky showing him he was a wasted time. 

These seconds could’ve lasted days and James would not notice. He was just there, watching, with somehow, a flow of hope flowing in his veins, fighting the lump on his throat with one hand and securing the smacked door with the other, giving its life to win a battle of a long lost war, feuding with the tears that James was holding close in his eyes, also managing to hold his heart together, obstructing the way so it wouldn’t fall on a hard concrete floor like a delicate, thick piece of the finest porcelain the Louvre had only dreamed to lay hands on. Hope was keeping him together, while he hid, in abeyance, in that dark corner of his kitchen, gazing at the boy he loves, letting in all of the feelings surrounding him and endorsing the idea that this is his Pandora’s box, and that Hope, would indeed, be the one thing left behind. 

“Oh, James, you’re here!” Regulus exclaimed softly, after James finally left Styx and approached his own peaceful source of brightness, for a moment forgetting that Apollo himself shines. 

James reciprocated the smile, Hope strongly holding all of his pieces together, applying pressure to the bleeding and slowing it down, reminding him that he has a chance, that things aren’t over, that perhaps, this is a misunderstanding, that his platelets are there to save him from an external haemorrhage. “Hi, baby,” he exhaled, a tired smile never leaving his face, because there still was Hope. She was there. It was the first time the nickname slipped away, and the last. The huge smile on Regulus' face after hearing the nickname healed wounds James didn’t even know his body was confining. 

“I made you a tuna salad,” Reggie smiled, while James took a seat next to him at the counter. “Your parents ordered some Thai food for dinner, but I knew you would come home wanting to have an extra meal, and since you don’t like Thai…” He explained, getting up from the chair and hugging James from behind, burying his face in his neck, brushing those magnificent curls on his skin. 

And for that moment, everything was great. “Thank you so much, Reg,” he whispered, intertwining his hands with Regulus’, which were still hugging his body and soul at midnight in that kitchen. 

Midnights were the best next to him. 

And coming home to see his boy still awake, waiting for him, with a big bowl of tuna fish salad he made for him because he knew he would get home hungry, that– that made James stop and breathe. Because that was love, he was so sure. Nothing Barty Crouch or damn Elliot said could make James disbelief this kind of gesture. 

James couldn’t help but grin right now, the beam on his face was extravagant, loud, honest. He took Regulus’ hands off of his body, so he could turn his stool and face him directly, grabbing the boy in front of him by the waist, pulling him closer. Reg came willingly. Also with a big smile stamping his face, showing off those dimples that James loved so much. He let (he would never not let Reg do this) Regulus climb his body, establishing himself on James’ lap with his legs wrapping his waist one side each, desiring, desiring, desiring. Regulus' hands found their way to James’ face, caressing his skin with loads of fondness, both of them smiling and appreciating each other's company for a while, until Reg slowly leaned in, depositing a single, simple kiss on James’ forehead. It felt like a goodbye, like a strike on Hope’s strength, a knife on her stomach. Pain, but not enough to fail, to fall apart and give up those amends she was holding up. 

Maybe this was all in his head, but ah. One minute she was there, the next she faded away, melting, turning into dust and flying away, leaving James all alone with his fate. 

Fate. Hope abandoned him, so Fate could step in and reformulate all of his plans, all of his dreams. Fate broke his heart and laughed about it, caring enough about his misery that she stuck to his side like a lost, troubled ghost that constantly reminded him of his desolation, her laughter echoing in his head like a bad joke. 

But that was after. 

After James finished his delicious meal prepared by his first love, after they fondly merged into each other in the aftermath of that lovely forehead kiss, after they laughed and enjoyed the midnight with each other, knowing a school day was waiting for them. After all of this, James asked. He asked, because he wasn’t sure anymore, he asked because something was off. He asked because Regulus has been emotionally withdrawn for days, hiding his precious smile, and now, on a random Wednesday night he was there again. And it seemed he was giving James a goodbye, implicitly stating the end of something that barely began. He asked and those beautiful glowy blue eyes turned to ice. 

“Reg… Who’s Elliot?”

“James…” He sighed, his name sounded like a warning coming from Regulus’ mouth.

 James’s world fell apart at that moment. The last drop that overflew the cup, flooding all over him with insufferable agony. The instant Hope died, leaving him all alone with obscurity that night. 

The tears began to fall down. One after the other, a waterfall of feelings being cut off, a hopeless teenager trying to cope with the loss of…

Of what? 

You don’t even know what you are. Or were. 

A voice screamed in his head, pushing more and more tears out, sobs involuntarily escaping his mouth. Regulus had his eyes watering, but he managed to keep them in, nothing leaving his mouth, but his head was tilted, pity eyes burying their glance in a broken soul, trying to hide the reflection of a much shivered heart. 

“It’s okay.” James managed to say in between sobs a couple minutes later. He was still crying, but he prioritised taking care of his boy (being his boy) for one last time. “I understand.” He forced a smile, trying to mask away his hurt for a moment, trying not to be petty. 

“I’m so sorry, James.” Regulus breathed, not resisting anymore, shedding away those tears. James embraced him, giving himself to this man as Regulus sobbed on his arms, while James’ silent tears fell down in a way Regulus couldn’t see, but James knew he was feeling them. 

“It’s okay, it’s okay.” James reassured, caressing his hair, trying to calm Reg down while he was falling apart himself. What a moment. “I just wish it was me.” he breathed a few minutes later, in a tune low enough that he hoped Reg wouldn’t hear. 

That night, when he laid on his bed alone, he found out the answer to that question that was bugging him all these days. 

What were they?

They were everything, yet, they were nothing. 

Friends? Lovers? Boyfriends? 

No. None of the above. 

But James was soon to find out what they were. 

Wrong. 

They were wrong. 

In an ocean of lovers, they were the broken souls who cracked and fell apart, losing each other in the deep, dark waters. Waiting for either a boat or the waves to fill their lungs and bring them down, down, down. To the deepest and darkest place, but that at least held them firmly and safe.