In A Rush

James was almost rotting in his room, pacing from one side to another, waiting for Regulus to come so they could talk. James knows he was a bitch back in the living room earlier. Fuck, he made Regulus cry. Never in his life that happened before and now it’ll haunt him in his sleep for a really long time. Of all of the people he could hurt with words, his brain just launched them at Reg? Seriously? The world could be spinning in the blink of an eye and James wouldn’t know.  

How could he? When all he can think about is the wonderful boy downstairs talking with his parents, which by the way, he considers family and loves them with his life, this boy who wants James in his life again, wants his friendship back. 

But, does James? He doesn’t know. Yes, he is aware that about an hour ago he was downright ignoring him, but that was his walls speaking louder, trying to hide and protect James from letting it all in again. Scaring Regulus away because James doesn’t know how to cope when he’s around, he doesn’t know what to say, what to do, what to ask. 

He wants to know, though. He wants to know how his life went these past eight years, he wants to know how he is doing, what he does for a living, he wants to learn Regulus's favorite things again, if his darling movie is still the same, what artists he enjoys now, what shows he’s been watching, if mac and cheese still is his specialty. James wants to know. Yet, can he? 

Can he let Regulus in again? Can he demolish his high walls for Reg? 

Someone knocks the door, opens it and pooks their head in, making James' internal organs freeze in the spot, waking him up from his thoughts. It’s Regulus. Of course it is, he’s been waiting for him to come. One thing hasn't changed, though. Reg still opens his door without James saying anything or agreeing to let him in. He just makes some noise to let James know that he’s entering and comes in, trust me, he walked in on James naked more than once when they were teens, that’s why he makes the noise. He’s glad this still remains the same, just like when they were kids. James smiled at the thought. 

“Hi.” James said, half smiling, half frowning. He knows he was a dick before, he regrets that, but it doesn’t change the fact that he’s still mad at Regulus. This is nine, ten years of resentment accumulated, like a huge, deadly snow ball going down a cliff. It won’t be fixed easily.

“Hi.” Reg answers, looking away from James to look at the pouf he used to fall asleep in years ago. 

They are both awkwardly standing in front of each other. So James tries to make it more comfortable, “It’s your pouf,” James pointed out, gesturing to the thing with his head. “Sit down.” He said, gently, also making himself comfortable and sitting on the edge of his bed that was closer to Regulus, making it easier for them to talk. 

Regulus nods and goes to the comfy, cloud shaped cushion, removing his Doc Martens to sit like a little kid, revealing a pair of long SpongeBob socks. Honestly, some things never change. Regulus cocks an eyebrow at James, daring him to say something about it. 

He doesn’t.

“So,” James starts, shame fluttering in his eyes, that are locked with Regulus’ to prove he means what he’s going to say, even if looking at those blue gray diamonds hurt him. “I was a dick back there. I’m sorry. It wasn’t my intention to hurt you, but I’m really sorry I did.” He says, nervously playing with his fingers, gaze still locked with Reg’s.

Regulus holds a displeased face, the same he was wearing when he first entered the room, he opened his mouth, like he was about to speak and closed it again, rethinking his actions. He opened it again, “I forgive you,” he said simply. “Was that all?” Regulus asked, harshly. 

James felt his blood boil a little, just a little. Honestly, this boy. How can he do that? It’s infuriating, it’s making James go crazy. “Look, Regulus, I know you were being nice and I threw daggers at you for nothing, I am mad at you, though. Don’t you think you have somethings to say, too?” James questioned, with his voice little and unsteady, unable to mascaraed his hurt with this whole situation. 

Regulus softened a little, now his time to play with his fingers to distract his mind. And James’s, because he still wears the same rings. A silver rose, a white opala, a gold one with a red rock, another gold one with a blue stone and a silver with a row of hearts ring. The row of hearts ring. James really loved that one. 

Regulus clears his throat, making James pay attention to him again. “You’re right. I owe you some apologies,” Reg said, cautiously watching James. “What I did to you wasn’t fair and I recognize that, but I want to be your friend again. I want to make up for the things I did.” Regulus shrugged, eyeing James expectantly. 

I know you want to be friends again. 

I miss it, too. 

Yes. Be my friend again, I have so much to tell you! James thinks, but what he says is, “It’s not that simple, Regulus.” Reg withers, nodding and waiting for James to finish what he was saying. James now looks at him dead in the eye, curiousness and hurt in his voice at the same time, “Why? Why didn’t you talk to me? It’s been eight years of this,” he gestures between them, referring to their nonexistent relationship in these past years. 

“I know.” Reg says, sighing. “It’s just- I don’t know, I- James, I couldn’t.” Regulus says, losing himself in between his own words. 

“It hurt, you know? knowing you didn’t care enough about me to call sometimes.” James let out, the last phrase being barely a breath. But Regulus heard it. Oh, he heard. 

“James. I couldn’t, it hurt talking to you!” Regulus said desperately, moving his hands impetuously. “I checked on you, though,” he said, still with a sad expression on his face. 

This surprises James. He checked on me? How? He didn’t call, text, or even follow James on his socials. “What?” He asked, clearly shocked about Regulus’ latest statement. “Are you playing with me?” James questioned, right after. Please no, please don’t play with me anymore, Regulus.

“Of course not, James.” Regulus cleared his doubts, and James believed him because he trusts this man, even though they have a past, he would never stop trusting him, he would put his life in the hands of Regulus Black and trust him to keep James breathing. Regulus breathes deeply, like he was trying to convince himself it was okay and maybe necessary to say what he was trying to say out loud, “I called every single one of your friends to ask about you, even the ones I wasn’t close with.” 

“What?”

“I called Lily. I called Marlene. Mary, Peter, all of them. I know you were top of your class in all of your years in med school. I know of your awards in college. I know you were part of the soccer team there, too. I know of every competition you won with your team. I know you went to singing class for a while, but gave it up cause the professor was a dick. I know you had a girlfriend. I know you had a boyfriend, too. I know you went to Mexico with Sirius and Peter. I know you lived your life the best. I know about how you came to Effie every time you had a bad hangover. I know you’re trying to impress your current professor at your internship at that big hospital you’re working in. I know about everything you told your parents and your friends, because they let me know. 

“Oh.”

“Yeah.” Regulus muttered. “I couldn’t keep up with you the way I wish I did, but that’s because… you know.”

“Do I?” James asked, arching an eyebrow. I really don’t. Elliot is probably Regulus’ answer to their withdrawal, but it isn’t fair. He had no business doing this to James. Elliot knew James loved Regulus enough to want him to be happy, even if it’s not the way James thought things would go. But he still wanted that. He still wanted James away. Honestly, James kinda gets it, gets his side, his feelings, his point of view, but it still hurt. James had no intentions of funny business, he just wanted his friend. And he didn't even get that. He lost it all. So yeah, Elliot had a point, but he hurt James massively making things his way. 

“James, I- You get- I think- Ugh.” Regulus groaned, making James soften. 

“I get it. I don’t like it, but I get it. It’s just-“ James paused, frowning and thinking of the best way to articulate his thoughts into phrases. “It hurt being the only one, Regulus.” He breathed, looking away from Reg.

“I’m sorry, James.” Reg apologizes, coming closer to James, sitting beside him on the bed. “Please look at me.” Regulus pleaded, hope, hurt and regret in his voice. James looked, deepening his stare in those big blue eyes that had so much power over him when they were kids, keeping up with a straight face, like being this close to Reg didn’t bother him. Regulus sighed, took James’s hand on his own, and said, “please, be my friend again,” he sounded so genuine that made this easy for James. Now, who was he kidding? He knew he would want this man on his life the moment he bumped into him near the hospital

Yes, james thought

Yes, I'll be your friend again. 

“I don’t know, Regulus.” James said, shrugging and backing away from Reg a bit. “I don’t know you anymore.”

Regulus deflated from the lack of proximity, but not giving up. He nodded in understanding, “I know. But I want you to know me again.” Reg smiles. “Go on. Ask me a question.” Regulus said, adjusting his legs on the bed, now fully seated in the mattress, facing James's side profile.

James laid down, momentarily lost in thought. Can he do this? Can he open himself to Regulus? Does he really want to? What's the evil? He just wants to get closer. They could be friends again, they could have fun together again. Life could be better with him, Reg would be a good addiction to add up in his life. Is he prepared? Could he? This is the dream, isn’t it? Having all four of them reunited again, living like they’re fifteen and wild and free. This would be nice? Maybe James can give it a go? Okay. Maybe. 

“I think I can do it. What do you work with?” James asks, facing the ceiling while he could feel Regulus’ glare burn his skin. 

“What made you think I’m working?” Reg smirked. “I have a really loaded inheritance, you know.” Regulus added. 

“So you aren’t?” James asked, surprised. He always thought Regulus would go to some fancy place boss people around after uni. He was just so bossy when they were kids.

“I am. Was just messing with you” he smiled, making James feel the desert moving in his stomach. “I'm a photographer.” 

James was impressed. He never thought Regulus would go for something he really wanted. Years ago, Reg told him he was going for business school because it is what would make everyone proud and he could help Monty this way, but what he really wanted was to go to art school. This was a few months before everything exploded between them, when everything was still good. Well, James couldn’t know what Regulus did after he left, no one would talk to him about it and he was too stubborn to ask. And, unfortunately, Reg wasn’t big on social media. “Really?” He asked, a grin forming on his face.

Reg laughed, “don’t sound so stunned.”

“I am!” James said, still smiling at the man next to him. “I thought you went for business!” He added, trying to get more and more of Regulus and know him again. 

“Well.” Regulus started, laying down next to James, looking at the ceiling too. “I did, got my diploma, even. Just didn’t go for a career in it.” Regulus turned his head to look at James, who was now staring at the ceiling again. “I went to art school right after. Just graduated, but I started photography jobs in my first year, then I realized it was my true passion.” 

 James smiled, “I’m happy for you, Regulus.” 

“Me too.” 

Suddenly, Regulus’ phone started ringing. ‘Elliot’ was calling. Right. 

Regulus groaned, “I was supposed to get something in order today’s afternoon, I’m slightly late,” Reg pointed out, turning the call down and getting up. “But I still want to get to know you again and be your friend.” 

James hummed, waiting for reg to continue.

“Are you up for it? Maybe we could get coffee someday this week?” 

“Yeah. We could do it” 

“Great! I’ll text you?”

“No, I'll text you.” 

“Okay! Byeee, Jamessss!” he kissed his cheek, beaming. 

Don't ask James about the flush on his cheeks or the flutter of his heart, because he is so stunned he doesn't even notice it himself.