Confused
Flashback
9-10 years ago
February 23rd
James woke up a little bit later than usual. On a normal Saturday, he would absolutely get up before 9 to hit the gym and have breakfast earlier. The earlier he eats, the sooner he gets hungry again, equaling more meals a day. Gym math. Not today, though. Today his body endorsed the warmth of the boy next to him and merged into him. They were cuddling, James being the big spoon and having his arms wrapped around Regulus’ waist. This is a dream come true, honestly the new best day in James’ life. His heart is doing things he never ever experienced, his eyes softening behind his closed eyelids because they’ve seen him, they’ve seen Regulus wrapped in james and the image is tattooed in his brain. His nose can’t stop enjoying the scent of the black hair his head is next to. His ears pay attention to the sound of his peaceful breathing and all James can feel is joy. Happiness, passion, love. He feels all of this in the air they are right now. Well. But is it one sided, though?
James feels more than friendship.
But, does Reg?
This is nothing explicitly romantic. He cuddles with Pete and Sirius sometimes, maybe this is something that Regulus sees them doing and thinks this is friendship too? How can James know? Damn it.
How can he-
“James? Reggie? Are you boys awake?” Monty asked through the door, his voice on a normal pitch, intending to keep them sleeping if they are.
James feels Regulus stiffen up a little, so he answers his dad, rubbing his fingers in Regulus' waist, hoping to ease up the tension a bit. “Yes, dad. Need anything?”
“Oh, no. nothing.” Monty dismissed him. “Just to tell you breakfast is on the table if you want to eat with me and your mum.”
Oh. He would like to go, but the bed is so comfy right now, and Regulus is so warm! He whispers, decreasing the space between his mouth and Regulus's ear, “Wanna sleep more or go?” still gently rubbing his fingers on the other’s waist.
“Sleep” Regulus murmurs, pretending he just woke up to answer James. Cute.
Friendly cute. Ugh.
“Wanna sleep more, dad. Thanks for asking, though.” James answered Monty, cuddling more and more with Reg.
“Okay!” Monty replied. “Don’t wake up too late though, your mum will kill you if you boys skip breakfast!” He added, voice already distancing from their room. Okay, dad.
He goes back to the snuggling, when it hits him.
Ah.
James doesn’t want Reg to think this is weird. That he is weird. Hell he doesn’t even know if Reg wants this. So, he carefully removes his hand from his waist. To James's further pain, Regulus’ shirt was a bit folded up, so his hand was touching the soft skin in his abdomen. God have mercy on him.
To James’ surprise, Regulus groaned. “Put it back,” he murmured, low and sharp, making James’s heart flutter.
Yes, ma'am.
James doesn’t even think twice. His hand is touching that balmy derma again and it is pleased in doing so, keeping up with the rub while the pump in his chest could tear up his flesh because of its magnetic want to be in Regulus’ hand. His body readjusted to be even closer, his front now entirely touching the other’s boy back, his feet struggling not to intertwine themselves with Regulus’, his unoccupied arm subtly sliding under Regulus’ neck, giving him his bicep as a pillow. Regulus didn’t complain. He didn’t have a care in the world right now, except that Regulus Black was laying in his arms. Friendly? Brotherly? Romantically? He wasn’t sure, but he was all in for whatever piece of heaven Regulus was willing to give him. So in this peaceful paradise, he fell asleep again, smiling, with the scent of coconut coming from those beautiful curls filling his nostrils. Life is good.
###
“What? Really?” Sirius asked once James filled him in on the events of the night before. It was already afternoon and Regulus went out with Effie to do some groceries, Six was back and thrilling to know everything that happened. James was still floating on clouds, the moments from before living rent free on his mind.
“Yes. Can you believe it?” James replied, still hovering over Regulus, daydreaming about them. “He said I was beautiful.” He said, fondly.
“That’s so not like him. You should feel special.” Sirius remarked, giving James hope. So, so much hope. “What more?”
“Well. We cuddled.” James said, side eyeing Sirius, a little worried about his reaction. You just don’t tell your friend things like these about his brother without getting a brief of preoccupation.
“How cute!” Sirius answered, not making it weird.
“Yes” James shot back, drooling at the thought. “But, Six, I’m so confused.” He continued, melancholy spreading all over his face.
“Why? Articulate, Prongs.” Sirius said, reaching to be closer to James, now. Sliding to his side of the bed. He laid on his side, resting his head on his fist, listening carefully to what James had to say.
“I don’t know if he likes me.” James stated, looking away. “He gives me a bunch of mixed signals and he cuddles me and he doesn’t touch me and I'm going crazy!” James spat the words, freeing his most obscure thoughts. “What if he doesn’t see me this way and I'm giving my heart to someone who doesn’t want it?” he asked, voice weak and trembling.
Sirius nodded, signaling for James to carry on.
“And I know that I decided to keep this to myself, to keep his friendship because I'm all in for whatever he has to offer, but I wasn't expecting this. I wasn’t expecting him to say this kind of thing and cuddle me and now it’s hard. Because if there’s a chance he likes me, my heart can’t help but want it, want more. But what if I think he wants more and he doesn’t? How can I get over it if I let myself go to that stage? I’m so confused, Pads.” James groaned, letting out his thoughts and feelings all at once, fighting the tears in his eyes. Why am I even crying? I don’t even know why!
“Mate. You have to talk to him. Risk it all.” Sirius said, pulling him into a hug.
“What do you mean ‘risk it all’?” James asked, curling his 90 kilos body of pure muscle next to his best friend. It was funny to watch, a 1.89 meters tall boy acting like a toddler next to a 1.67 meters tall (short) one comforting him. They were like that on a weekly basis. No one is more affect-deprived than those two boys. And one of them has a girlfriend!
“Tell him how you feel. The worst thing that could happen is you leave the talk with a broken heart. But better earlier than later.” Sirius said, all wisely. Not what James wanted to hear, but this kinda helps.
James nodded, readjusting himself to look his friend in the eye. “I’ll see what I do, thanks.” He smiled, putting Sirius in another hug. “I love you.”
“I love you, too.” Sirius answered. “I also have something to tell you. Or talk to you about it.” He said, casually scratching the back of his neck, kinda like he was not sure how to say what he wanted to say.
James sat up, watching his best friend closely and waiting.
“Mary and I broke up.”
“WHAT?” James yelled, eyes startled, then put his hand in his mouth. “Sorry. But what? how? when?”
“Well. Things weren’t going okay between us. I think we both fell out of love and that was what was causing the fights, you know?” He shrugged, not really sad or sorrowful about the thing.
James nodded. “Are you guys still friends?” He asked, worried.
“Yes, yes. Part of the break up was because we knew we would be better off as friends. So yeah, everything’s fine.” Sirius explained, rolling over to rest his head on James's lap.
“Are you okay?” James asked, massaging Sirius’ scalp with a furrow between his brows.
“I’m good, truly.”
“Okay. If you need anything, you can always talk to me.”
“I know, Prongs. I know.”
They stayed there in silence until the evening started to come by.
###
James was going nuts in his bedroom. Sirius went out with Peter, after telling them he was not feeling well to leave but hoping they’d have fun. This was half true, he wasn’t in the mood to leave, but that was because of Regulus and all the feelings he was bringing James to deal with and he was going crazy. He was planning to call him to his bedroom for them to watch a movie and maybe talk when Regulus opened James’s door, poked his head in, and seeing James was in there, he just entered the room without saying a word and sliding under the covers next to James. It was cold as hell, being a winter night, so James thought it was completely normal and platonic of Reg to get closer and closer to his body, allowing James to put an arm over his shoulder without getting worried and freaking out about touching Regulus. Well, in fact, he was freaking out, this is the man of his dreams snuggling him in his bed while he was watching TV.
“Can’t believe you didn’t ask me to come watch TV with you.” Regulus said, adjusting his body to be even closer to James. He must be really cold. James doesn’t like winter, but suddenly it could snow and he would be sparkling. “It’s like our thing,” Regulus explained, resting his head on James’s shoulders.
“Actually,” James started, voice hoarse and low. “I was about to text you to come here. You know I can’t enjoy movies without my Reg” James affirmed boldly, blushing and glad that the lights were out and Regulus couldn’t see the flush on his cheeks.
He felt Regulus’ cheek muscles twisting in a smile on his shoulder, which made him also smile.
Regulus coughed a bit, clearing his throat. “So, what we’re watching?”
Shit. Did I scare him? Was I too forward? Probably. Damn. Damn it. “The amazing spider-man” James answered, trying to keep himself together from the embarrassment.
“Oooo I like this one.” Regulus said. “Andrew Garfield look hot as fuck in this.” He pointed out, smirking.
I mean, he’s not wrong, James knows it, but this still made him squirm. “Yeah, whatever,” James said casually, trying to disguise his jealousy, frowning at the thought of Regulus thinking about another man like that. I’m supposed to be that man!
“What?” Regulus asks, raising an eyebrow at James, who’s still frowning by the way.
“Nothing.” James replies, still not being able to even pretend his insides are not twisting at the thought of his man and another man. Another person. Anyone that isn’t James.
Regulus' jaw drops a little, realizing hitting him hard, making him look so cute and adorable. Ugh, James loves staring at his face. Regulus smirks, recomposing himself and narrowing his eyes at James. “You’re jealous!” He exclaimed, giggling nonstop.
Am I that transparent? James put a hand over his heart, all in for the drama (blame Sirius) “No, I’m not!” He exclaimed, hoping Regulus is taking all this in a way that doesn’t say ‘oh my gosh, you’re in love with me, so you are jealous!’, but says something like ‘oh you have such a big ego, being jealous that I find other people attractive and mentioned it without mentioning that you’re hot, too!’. A man can only dream. James is known for being the big ego guy in the group, but like a wise woman once said, he has a heart to match it.
“Yes, you are!” Regulus said, slapping James’s arm softly, like he was trying to get him back for being such a big ego guy. Phew. “Don’t worry, James. you’re prettier. And hotter.” Regulus smiled, casually almost giving James a heart attack by only saying a few words. And managing to look unbelievably unreachable and elegant while doing so.
James, however, brings himself to keep calm and ask in a flirtatious manner, “Am I now?”
Regulus is apparently feeling bold enough to make James explode in a million sparkly things, replies like it is a normal common sense thing, “Yes. Have you seen yourself without a shirt on?”
Oh, my God
Oh, my God
Oh, my God
James smirks, keeping the flirt pose, pretending he isn’t falling apart from happiness in his insides. The power this boy has on him is getting out of control. “Why, thank you. Enjoy the view, don’t you?” He lifts one eyebrow at Regulus, who rolls his eyes and looks away to the TV, pretending to watch whatever is happening in the movie now.
Regulus, with eyes still fixed on the screen, smirks a bit and answers James with his voice low, almost whispering, “Well, it is a nice view.”
James doesn’t know where the fuck he takes the courage to say the next words, but he does and he doesn’t regret them. “So you wouldn’t mind if I took it off to sleep now, would you? It’s really hot here.” He said, trying to sound as dirty as a fifteen year old could be and actually doing something right, because Regulus blushed, rolling his eyes like James was annoying him. “Whatever. I don’t mind.”
So James took it off. To be honest, he usually sleeps shirtless, even when it’s cold. He just doesn’t when someone is with him, then he sleeps with something on. He readjusts himself under the covers, this time not colliding his body with Regulus’, he knows better than to be a disrespectful prick.
“If you’re gonna be shirtless and not be close, I don’t want it,” Regulus muttered, scowling at James, visibly annoyed at this change. “You may be hot, but i’m cold, so put it back on or-“
James interrupted him by wrapping Regulus waist with his hand and bringing him closer, intertwining his legs with Regulus’ and sliding one arm under Reg’s neck for him to use as a pillow, the hand that was in his waist to bring him closer, now in his back, caressing the skin there, just now face to face with him, with their gazes locked into each other’s. The next movement being Regulus’ hand resting in James’s bare chest, like this is something they do on a typical Tuesday.
“Better?” James asked, voice low and hoarse. Like, super hoarse.
“Mhm” Regulus mumbled, apparently with no words escaping his mouth, left speechless by James himself. Wow.
Reg, who always has something to say, is without words. And I did that. Oh my god.
“I like being your friend.” He said a few moments later, filling in the silence.
Oh.
Right.
Friends.
“I like being yours, too” James Subtlety Potter said, a little withdrawn, but not letting Regulus go, not even for a second.
You knew this was going to happen, you knew. Remember, James, being his friend is better than nothing. Having a little bit of him in your life is better than not having him at all. Maybe, one day, you’ll get over this and look back fondly at your fifteen year old self for being a romantic.
James embraced Regulus arduously, resting his chin on top of his head, playing with the platinum blond streaks of hair at the back of his neck. They are so long! Almost as extensive as Sirius’ now. But more curly and less blackish. Gorgeous. Reg fell asleep easily after that, the movie still on, but James’s mind was still running thoughts a million kilometers per hour for him to rest and close his eyes and drift away in dreams.