The Realizing
Flashback, 10 years ago.
December 22nd
15 year old James was so shy. It was almost Christmas and he and his friends were gathering to exchange presents early, because some of them would be traveling on the 25th. He was so excited for his gift to Sirius. He bought him a leather jacket, but it wasn’t a normal one, the main color is an off white, with huge red stars in the arms and black details in the back. Really pretty, James was sure Sirius would love it. Sirius, his brother, Peter, James, Lily, Mary and Marlene were gathered in Pete’s house for the day. Everything was perfect. It was the first time in a while James wasn’t thinking about Lily. This was a very rough time in his life, I'll have you known. Well, there was a crush and it wasn’t really reciprocated. Lily was always beautiful, and James wanted her to like him so much, so that he could live his dream of marrying her and having a little blue eyed kid. Except she wasn’t giving a fuck about james fantasies about being a family guy. She just wanted to be friends. Eventually, fifteen year old James came around and grew out of his crush. But things got a little harder now, because of Regulus. That’s right, Sirius' little brother. James doesn’t have any idea of what’s going on, but he wants to be friends with Regulus so much! He is so cool, His hair is shoulder length and has blonde streaks close to the neck, his eyes are the same as Sirius’ but different at the same time, and he uses glasses! Big green glasses. His clothes are also so cool. James wishes Regulus could lend them so James could feel their fabric on his skin, as well as their smell, which is also so good! That means Regulus also smells good. Now he wishes he could properly hug Regulus and feel his smell entering his nostrils and embracing his soul. What? What am I even thinking?
“Um. Hi, James! Sirius asked me to find you. Dinner is ready now!” Regulus was smiling, and oh. His smile is so beautiful James wants to die looking at it. Right, cause that’s a normal thing to think about your best friend’s brother. And now James is blushing. hard. Fuck. He’s hoping Regulus doesn’t notice.
“Right. Coming! Thanks, Reg” James stutters, his face getting more and more red.
“Reg?” Regulus asks with a playful smile on his lips and an eyebrow arched.
“Um. Sorry?” Wow. Now James is just making a fool of himself. Regulus laughs. Oh god, Regulus is laughing at him. Why does this happen to me, god?
“No need to be shy, Potter.” Regulus is still smiling. “I like it. ‘Reg’, I mean.”
“You do?”
“Yes. Keep doing it. Now, let’s go. The others are waiting”. Regulus gestures to the door, waiting for James to come with him.
James’ heart was beating so fast he was scared it would tear his chest apart. What the fuck is going on? Once James is close, Regulus offers his hand to him graciously, and he clumsily takes it. Regulus runs, hand in hand with James, getting to the living room fast enough. And for that moment, they were just kids having fun.
“Reggie! Stop stealing Prongs, he’s mine!” Sirius exclaimed the moment he saw Regulus and James giggling and breathless after the run.
Regulus rolled his eyes so hard he probably got a glimpse of his brain. “Fuck off, Sirius. I can be his friend too.”
“He can be my friend too” James agrees, nodding and not even acknowledging he did.
Sirius puts a hand over his heart and mouths “God, the betrayal!”
The girls giggle at his drama and Mary hugs him from behind. Oh, right. They were dating back then. James almost forgets about this.
“So, Marls, how’s that thing with Hanna doing?” Lily asks, once they’re all satisfied with dessert.
“Oh. Great. Um, we’re dating, I think?” Marls blushed.
“Wait. You date girls?” Regulus questioned, his voice so little you could barely hear it.
Marlene and everyone in the group stiffened. Shit, Lily forgot Sirius’ little brother didn’t know. “Yes. I do.” She answered him, keeping their gazes locked.
And, to everyone’s surprise, Regulus’ face softened. “That’s cool, Marlene.”
James let out a breath he didn’t even know he was holding. For a moment he was scared for Marlene. He doesn’t want the guy he wants to befriend (?) to be a homophobe. Well, he isn’t, that’s just great.
“I fucking froze for a moment here, thank god, Regulus.” Pete remarked, putting his arm around regulus’ shoulder and smiling in relief.
“What?” Regulus scowled. “What did you think i was going to do?” he crossed his arms over his chest, looking disgusted at their thought of him reacting badly.
“Yeah, guys.” Sirius barges in the conversation. “My baby brother would never” He looks proud. “I raised him right.”
“Baby my ass, Sirius”. Regulus rolled his eyes again, looking unbothered as he ate a cherry, which made his lips so rosy and kissable. James is drooling.
Oh.
Oh.
Fuck.
I have a crush on Regulus Black?
Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit.
“James, mate? You look like you just saw a ghost, what happened?” Pete asks, concerned about the fact that James’ brown skin just turned white under his watch. Yes, Pete. You should be worried, I'm screwed.
“It's nothing. M’ just a little bit tired” James answers, fake yawning. Sirius looked at him with an eyebrow up, and James shouts him with a ‘I'll tell you later’ look. Peter doesn’t buy the thing either, but leaves it be, because James clearly doesn’t want to talk about it now.
###
“James! Fuck, I love it.” Sirius holds his new jacket up close to his chest and gives James a warm beam, so full of love.
“I hoped so, Pads.” James smiles back. He got a red pair of converses from Sirius, one special edition he was dying to get. Peter gave him a mug he made himself in pottery class. He got a hair care kit for curly hair from Mary, a new sports jersey from Marlene, some books from Lily and a new journal from regulus.
They were all tired and ready to go to bed. The girls had already left by now and Sirius was already in Pete’s bed claiming his side (Peter’s side) and leaving James and Regulus to mattresses on the floor next to the bed. Regulus and Pete were still getting ready to sleep, chatting up in the bathroom about kinds of plants that make you sleep better if you have them in your room.
James’ mind wasn’t there at the moment. He was lost, so lost in the eyes of Regulus Black and everything about him. How did this happen? It’s just a silly crush, right? How could James do it to himself? Regulus is way out of his league and um… he likes girls. Wait. WHAT. James is crushing on a boy??????? Oh my goodness. Does that make him gay? But he liked Lily, too. And what about Sirius? What is he going to think about this? Of course James is telling him, he tells his best friend everything. Why is life so hard?
“James. You’re frowning. What happened?” Sirius questions.
“Mate-“ James sighed “I thinkIlikeboystoo” Straight to the point, then, wow. His eyes closed, waiting for a response from his friend.
“What?” Sirius's voice was high pitched.
“I know, right?” James opened his eyes and sighed again, laying down on a mattress.
“No, no. I didn’t get what you said. Say it slower, please.”
“Uh.”
“Mate, I swear you just said ‘I think my bike went poof’, but you don’t have a bike to go poof” Surius scowls, climbing to Pete’s side of the bed (the one Sirius was supposed to be in). “Unless you bought a bike and didn’t tell me!” He looks horrified. “You didn’t, did you?”
Now James is frowning again, a weird grin in his lips. Honestly, only sirius. “No, I didn’t”
“Phew” “Though you betrayed me here for a second. So what is it that you said?”
“Sirius.” He breathed in deeply and slowly. “I think I like boys too.”
“Oh. Is that it?” Sirius let out a sigh of relief.
“Um. Yeah” What the fuck? Why is Sirius reacting like this is normal?
“Great. no bike, then?” No way. Really, Pads?
“No, Sirius”
“Great news, mate!”
“Oh my god”
“What?”
“I can’t believe you”
“What? What did I do?”
“I just told you I like boys and you were worried about a nonexistent bike”
“Priorities, mate. you scared me there. I thought it was going to be something bad.”
James sits up, looking at Sirius with expectation. “This isn’t, then?”
“No!” He says, a little too loudly. “Of course not.” He reassures James, voice softer now.
“Oh. that’s good.” James is happy. If Sirius said this isn’t a bad thing with so much ease, then it really must not be. Wow, this is so nice, knowing there's nothing wrong with you, I mean. When you're fifteen, every single thing is scary and freeing at the same time. You want to explore the world, but the world freaks you out, and you know nothing about the future and life's so confusing and in the end, you're just a kid. And there'll be people for you there, you won't do it alone. James looks back to this moment in his life with so much fondness, because he realized that no matter what happened, he wasn't alone. Not while Sirius and Peter existed. He would be fine.
“Wait. James, I’m a safe place, ok? Safe person or whatever. There’s nothing you could do or be that would make me love you any less. I thought this was clear?” Sirius questions, leaving the bed to crawl by James’ side.
“I know. but I was scared. I don't know.” James shrugs, pulling Sirius into a hug that quickly becomes a cuddle.
“It is a scary thing, indeed. But not here. Not with us. We are loveeeeeee.” Sirius whispers
“Stop it you two. I hate when you get all cuddles and bromance without me!” Pete says, coming to them and handing Regulus a pillow. James didn’t even see them coming. Sirius just opens his arms, signing to Pete to come there too. And so he goes, crawling in between them both. Regulus sits on the edge of the bed, just watching them. “What were we talking about?” Peter asks
“Nothing.” Sirius says at the same time James lets out a ‘me.’
Peter arches a brow, and Sirius looks at James, who nods to him.
James sits up and so do the others, waiting for whatever he is going to say.
“I like boys too.” He says, rather bluntly
“I knew.” Peter affirms, shrugging and laying down again. James looks surprised at his response.
“What? HOW?” Sirius asks, like he was just left behind in a very serious matter, practically throwing Pete in a wall.
“You… like boys?” Regulus whispers, so only James can hear, while Sirius is questioning Peter about the ‘so obvious signs’ that he missed. Reg is holding onto a teddy bear like his life depends on it.
James doesn’t know how to exactly talk about this, since he just realized the thing. He is an open book, by all means. So he just smiles lightly and reaffirms, “Yeah, I do.”
Regulus nods in response, looking away at Peter and Sirius discussing about sexuality (which means Six is throwing a fit, being the drama queen he is)
James keeps looking at Regulus. His eyes are so pretty, his face looks so soft, and he isn’t wearing his glasses now, which makes him look so young and free, that makes a rush flow over James’ blood, a feeling that he must protect this boy at all costs. His blue pajamas are definitely stolen from Peter, they are way too big for him and it looks adorable. This thing James is starting to feel about Regulus isn't like anything he ever felt before. Yes, he didn’t felt things for boys before, but still, it is a new emotion, a new rush, a new flush and it is so good, it feels fucking amazing. Looking back, James thinks he should've known then, but again, he was just a stupid kid, up for doing stupid stuff and without a care in this world.
Regulus looked at him, his heart skipped a beat. “‘M tired. Can we sleep now?”
James is nothing but tired, and yeah, he knows he just lied about that at dinner (or tried to), but Regulus asked, so he must do it. “Guys,” He called Pete and Sirius out. “Can we sleep now? It's late”.
“Yeah, sure. You both can take the bed, me and Sirius will sleep here.” Peter suggested, already going for the lights.
“Will we?” Sirius looked sad to lose his position on the bed, but accepting his fate nonetheless.
A few moments later, they were all laid down. James and Regulus slept next to each other that night, and they both fell asleep looking at each other's smile.