I Hate That He Is Back
It was a normal Tuesday morning, James was in the middle of his shift, casually taking care of easy cases: check ups and stomachaches. Slow day. Dr. Barry was handling a major case in the ER that James wasn’t allowed to help. Only watching the surgery a few hours from now, nothing new.
“Dr. Potter? Can you please check in on a patient for me? I’m loaded and he’s just with a headache, probably wants some paracetamol IV.” Kelly, James' favorite nurse, came by to ask him. Honestly, she just does it because James loves it. He loves to learn and to help and he has authorization to handle these cases.
“Of course. Where?” He asks.
“Room 28. His file is already there. Thank youuuuu, honey.” She smiles. Kelly is probably the same age as his mom, and she acts like the interns all children she has to take care of and they adore it. Truly, it is good being a little bit spoiled sometimes.
James gets to the room, enters and quickly closes the door. He goes right for the file, skimming it, while introducing himself. “Hi, I’m Doctor Potter and I’ll be attending you today. So, tell me -“ he stops to look at the name in the file, “-Regulus?”
“Me again.” The man in the room answers, making James finally look at him. If Regulus is surprised James is here, in a white coat with messy hair and the same glasses since he was a kid, his face isn’t showing it. But Regulus was always a master in keeping a poker face. James never was, though. His face was blank. Shocked, surprised and… flushed?
“Uh. So, tell me Mr. Black. What are your symptoms?” James was trying so hard to keep a straight face and be professional. “How can I help you?”
“Head hurts. Migraine, I think?” Regulus made a puppy face that even the toughest man in the world would find it hard to not cooing at. “Hurts bad” Fuck, this man is driving James mad by just being here. Nuh-uh. James isn’t going through this again. No, thanks.
James fights his inner child and puts on a doc mask, here, right now, he doesn’t know this man and he is just a patient. “Right. Mind if I examine you a bit?”
Regulus shakes his head and immediately takes his shirt off. Well, that wasn’t necessary, but James doesn’t complain and proceeds to do his job. Regulus was sitting in a stretcher, his shirt now resting in his lap. James tries not to look, not to pay attention, but his eyes aren’t following the orders his brain gives them anymore, so he looks at the tattoo in the bare chest right in front of him. That’s new.
Of course something would be new.
Eight years have gone by.
Right. Focus on the job.
This part is kinda hard. James doesn’t want to touch Regulus’ skin, even with gloves on. So he takes all the care in the world while guiding his stethoscope in his chest and back. Oh, there’s a tattoo on his back too. Right, also a pretty one. Focus, James! He asks him to breathe in slowly and deeply, which he does calmly. James doesn’t like to admit it, but he wishes he could hear this heart he’s so carefully listening to, beating fast. He wishes Regulus was nervous to be here with him, even after all of those years, he still desires to have the ability to make Regulus care. But he doesn’t. His heart is beating normally, blood pulsation looks ok. James is still asking for some exams to be sure everything is really okay.
“Ok, Mr. Black” James starts, still not looking at Regulus’ eyes. The file looks so interesting right now, who would have called that? “Everything looks ok. I'm prescribing you some medication IV to end the pain for now.” James starts writing something on a paper that was below the file. “If the ache persists, you should take these” He hands Regulus the paper. “You may go in the room next to this. Number 27. The nurses will handle your IV”.
“You can call me Regulus, you know.” Regulus states, gazing away from James for the first time since he entered the room. He sounded shy? A little hurt?
No.
Regulus Black doesn’t get upset. Never. Not about James, at least.
“I’ve known you since you were, like what? six?” He mentions, gazing back at James. Deep blue grayish eyes staring right into his soul. James is sure Regulus can read him like it’s a thing he does on a regular Tuesday, but no. James won’t accept this. He won’t accept this again. Being vulnerable was something else, eight years ago. James grew out of it. He is a stronger man now.
“Yes, Mr. Black.” He keeps his voice steady and polite. Very professional. Very demure. Regulus' name rolls out his tongue with such an ease and elegance. Regulus scowls. James continues. “Be that as it may, you only knew me until I was eighteen. You did not get to know me afterwards.” James almost lost his pose, but he indeed spilled these words like they were trapped in his throat for a long time, just waiting to get out and feel freedom.
“Fair.” Regulus says simply, looking very much unbothered again. This pisses James off. How can he do that? How can he not care? I would be crying right now if i was him. I would understand me, but I would be crying too. Regulus dresses himself and they keep looking at each other, staying at the same place. No one says anything for a while.
James clears his throat. “Right, room 27, Mr. Black. You may go now”. His voice sounded a little desperate, and of course Regulus cached that. He never misses a thing. There was a small shadow of a smile on his face now. That was swiftly followed by a startled look in his eyes.
“Can you do it?” Regulus asked, voice low and appalled.
“Do what?” James questioned back, eyebrows knit together.
Regulus was a little embarrassed now, he couldn’t hide that from james. It was fairly obvious, with his face so flushed you would be worried he was having a fever. “Uh. Needles, I don’t know if you remember, but um. I don’t really like them.” Oh. right. of course. How could he forget?
When they were kids, Effie, James’ mom would usually take him and the Black brothers to get their vaccinations in order and Sirius always needed help to bring Regulus, who would hide in James’ closet and make a scene just to not come near a needle. Usually, it was James that calmed him down and convinced him to go, offering his hand for a little Reggie to squeeze to ease the pain. They grew up like that.
Even now, James won't say no to this. Never. Even if he wanted to, he couldn’t. It is in his blood to help, to make patients feel good and comfortable around him and during procedures. And Regulus is a patient.
“Oh. Right. Stay here then.” James says, cautiously, and leaves the room. He goes to the next one and finds some nurses there, Kelly included.
“Hi, honey.” She happily greets him again, grinning. “How did it go with the patient?” Kelly asks interested.
“Still going.” He greets the other nurses, going directly to the supplies he’ll need for Regulus’ IV. “He has a strong headache. I checked for any external signals of something more serious, but there was nothing. Still going to ask for a head CT and some routine exams, though. Gotta be sure. Where is the B complex?” He sighs, looking disappointed he isn’t finding the thing.
“Doc.” Adrian, one of the male nurses nods, handling James the medication he asked for. “And these are for…?” He gestures to everything James is gathering on a silver plate.
“Oh, right” James blushes. “I'm doing his IV.” He casually says.
Kelly looks at him a little bit guiltily “Don’t worry about it, hun. We can take care of that, send him here.” She smirks. “Go follow Barry’s ass, I’ll bet it is way more interesting. We can handle this.”
James rejects the idea. “No, no. I would like to do this, if it’s okay?”
Adrian looked at him suspiciously, but Kelly was faster, “Yes, of course! Don’t worry.”
He smiled “okay! Bye guys!”
“Bye!” they answered in union.
James walked back to room 28, Regulus was still there. James closed the door behind him, left the silver plate on the desk and went straight to the bin, discarding his gloves then washing his hands and putting on new ones. He started preparing Regulus medication, feeling that he is being stared at. He knows he looks hot in a white coat and he hopes his muscles are showing, because he wants (?) Regulus to see. Don’t ask him. He would never admit it. In fact, Regulus is just a guy his age, James likes to look handsome when someone his age comes here, so this is perfectly normal. A perfectly normal thing to feel, ok?
“Right. Are you ready?” James asks, his voice lower and more careful than normal, because he knows regulus and he knows how to act at times like this. No. He knew Regulus, he doesn't anymore. This is just a thing that stayed the same.
“Y-yes.” Regulus stuttered. Which James knew meant ‘no’.
Fuck . James rolled his eyes at himself, when he was sure Regulus wasn’t looking. Well, fuck me . “You can hold my arm if you want.” he says, gently. Regulus ponders the matter and ends up giving in. Squeezing James' bicep so hard it could leave a mark. “Just, try not to move it, so I don't miss the vein, okay?” James was using his ‘children voice’ now. The one he uses most with kids to make them feel less frightened.
Regulus just nods, eyes closed and head facing anything but the thing stinging his arm.
“Well, there you go. You did good!” James, he’s not a kid! Right. He’s Regulus. The same Regulus that was a part of your life years ago. Not. A. Kid.
Regulus smiles. “Thank you”.
James nods. “It’s nothing. Now it’s just waiting for the medication to end. The nurses can take it off for you, right?”
“Uhum.” Regulus mutters, looking like himself again. Unbothered.
“Great. In your prescription there’s a bunch of exams I want you to do.” James declares. “Do all of them and come back here.” He demanded. “The date is on the paper…. Um. Goodbye, Regulus.”
Regulus nods in understanding, and with that, James leaves. He goes directly to the empty room doctors usually use to take naps and stays there. Just breathing and thinking for ten minutes straight snapping out of it when Dr. Barry pages him to the ER. James pulls himself together and goes (he runs, because he knows his boss all too well).
###
When James gets to his flat, the first thing he does is shower. A long cold shower. To be fair, June this year is way hotter than it was supposed to be, the people in the hospital (James) felt like they were being air fried all day. Fucking long sleeves scrubs . In the end, Doctor Barry wanted James at the surgery he was supposed to just watch, trust me James was thrilled to be there, even if he was just handling a scalpel here and there and answering a bomb of questions Mr Barry was asking him. ‘What would you do now, Potter?’; ‘What is this, Potter?’; ‘Why did this happen, Potter?’; ‘Potter, tenth blade’ and then ‘Potter, wanna close up?’ Why, thank you Dr. Barry .
Barry is hard on his students, really hard. Usually it’s always himself that closes up a patient. He says that is one of the most important steps in surgery. A scar the patient will carry with him for the rest of his life, so he takes care in doing it perfectly. That’s why he usually does it himself. But James got lucky today. When the professor asked him, he said yes straight away. ‘You better not screw this up, James’ his brain was screaming to him on repeat. Dr Barry was by his side during all the thing, looking harshly at James, which wasn’t helpful. The man can be really, really scary. James had nightmares about him about a hundred times by now. He finished the job, stepped back and looked at his professor. Can you believe his face did not show utter disgust? He didn’t look pleased though, that’s too much to ask, but he looked… satisfied? Like what James did was good enough that he didn’t have to undo the whole thing and stitch the patient himself (that happened once, with a colleague of James, not cool)?
Phew. Thank goodness.
The doctor said nothing, stepped back and left. Most of the interns watching them from upstairs cheered and clapped for him, because that was an achievement. So yeah, James is happy and his body is reacting by over sweating and being hot all day. No, it has absolutely nothing to do with Regulus. I know you’re thinking about it. Don’t. James doesn’t like Regulus. In fact, he isn’t pleased he is back, he should be, shouldn’t he? His best friend is happier for it, his friends, even his parents (because apparently, Regulus kept contact with them too. Effie and Monty know better than to talk about Regulus, but they couldn’t keep it in last time James went to visit, since he’s staying with them). In other words, everyone is happy to see Regulus. They are probably scheming a meeting behind James’ back now, because wow, everybody loves Regulus and everybody wants to see him and bla bla bla. James knows he’s being childish and a bit of a prick about it, but he is only human. He can’t help it that he hates the fact that Regulus is here, in the same city that he is for the first time in years. Regulus hurt him, really hurt him, and he is not ready to go through that pain right now. Now you ask me, why hasn’t he gone through this pain already? Well. It was all too much, James couldn’t do it, so he… he shoved his broken heart in an old and deep drawer and let it rest there. No, he didn’t want to deal with the pain, he needed to move on without tracks of the past following him everywhere he went. So he just didn’t. He forgot about it, eventually. He fell in love again (or so he thought), he fell out of love again and life moved on. Love doesn’t stop when your crush from 10th year doesn’t like you back. He had many adventures in his early twenties, he got to live and feel and breathe. He went to med school, graduated and is now an intern in a huge renowned hospital. His life is good right now, he has a hallway crush and he flirts with cute nurses (Adrian, the man that you are), he doesn’t want it to go back to being a frustrated teenager. Regulus being back is a trigger, a trigger that was already pulled, because all James does is think about him. About them. About what they never got to be or live together. And it’s their own fault. Nobody’s but their own. And it’s killing James. Fuck. This is everything he didn’t want to feel.
And Regulus, oh. James knows he doesn’t feel that way for him anymore, but he could be friends with him, couldn’t he? Would it hurt? Does Regulus even care about him? About what James is feeling right now? Probably not. He didn’t care for the past eight years, why would he care now? He hates it. He hates this. He hates Regulus? No. He couldn’t, never. He can hate this situation, he can hate that he is back, he can hate Elliot and his friends for loving him. He can hate himself for loving Elliot, too. Because he did. But he can’t hate Regulus. Not in this world, not in this life or any other one.