Beautiful
September 1st 1978. Dear Diary: I believe I’m a good person. You know, I believe that there’s good in everyone. But, uh, here we are. First day of my last year of Hogwarts! And, uh, I look around at these kids that I’ve known for the last 6 years of my life and I ask myself, “what happened?” We used to be so tiny, fairly happy. We played tag and got chased. We spent all day running, smiling and laughing. Studying hard, stuffing our faces with all the junk we could get our hands on. But then we got bigger and that was the trigger. Like the Muggles hunting wizards.
In the halls of Hogwarts, everyone is walking to their next classes. The hallways are full of chattering students, gossiping or just joking around. Regulus Black is on his way to the bathroom. He doesn’t necessarily need it, he just wants to be alone and away from all the sweaty teenage boys. He’s looking at the floor avoiding eye contact with everyone and as a result of this he bumps into someone.
“Uh!” the wizard groans. He glares at Regulus, but before he can say anything Regulus interrupts with an apology.
“Ugh! Oh! Sorry.” Regulus immediately stares back at the floor and rushes away. Unfortunately for him, he had to change the direction in which he was going so he just turned into more chaos rather than away from it.
Welcome to my school- this ain’t no normal high school. This is the Thunder Dome. Hold your breath and count the days, we’re leaving soon. But I know…I know that life can be beautiful sometimes. I pray and I pray for a better way through this hellhole. But maybe, if we changed back then, we could change again. We could be beautiful…
In the chaos, a wizard walks into another. The wizard that knocked the other over just walks away not even stopping to apologise or make sure the smaller wizard wasn’t hurt. Regulus rolls his eyes at the taller wizard's heartlessness, he walks over to the smaller wizard.
…Just not today.
“Hey, are you okay?” Regulus asks sincerely, the wizard looks fine but Regulus doesn’t like assuming things about people without solid facts.
“Get away, nerd!” The wizard scowls, scrambling up from the floor. He barges past Regulus, as though he’d much rather die than be seen with Regulus.
“Oh- sorry”, Regulus mumbles, he knows that the student can’t hear him but Regulus always feels this strong need to apologise for every little thing.
Things will get better, as soon as my letter comes from McGonagall telling me my grades. Away from this coma, take my O’s or even my U’s then I can blow this castle. Dream of ivy-covered walls and smoky French cafes.
“Watch it!” A particular blonde haired Slytherin yells at a first year. He spots Regulus amongst the crowd and ventures over to him.
I just need to fight the urge to strike a match and set this dump ablaze!
The Slytherin hits Regulus’ books out of his arms “oops…” he grins.
Evan Rosier. Third year as a Beater and fifth year of hexing first years and being a huge dick!
Regulus mutters underneath his breath, still staring at the floor because that’s the best thing to do in this scenario, not give Evan a reaction, “dickwad”.
Evan steps closer to Regulus, so his face is mere inches away from Regulus’, “What did you say to me, bubba?”
Regulus, who could sense the intrusion of his personal space, looks up. He jumps a little at the sight of Evan’s face so close to his “gah! Nothing!” he says quickly, taking a small step back. Evan rolls his eyes and walks over to a dark haired Ravenclaw.
But, I know, life can be beautiful. I pray for a better way to live. We were kind before, maybe we can be kind once more. We can be beautiful.
A black haired, pale Slytherin boy comes up behind Regulus and taps him on the shoulder. Regulus screams startled and he turns to face Severus, smiling.
“Hey, Severus!” Regulus says happily, Severus has always been the only person that Regulus knows he can be himself around without fear of judgement.
Severus chuckles to himself, “hey.”
Severus Snape, my best friend since my first year, he is a year above me but that didn’t stop him from befriending the weird loner. He’s got a huge heart but around here that’s not enough.
Severus, tilts his head to the side looking at Regulus “we still on for Muggle documentary night?”
Regulus nods “yeah. You’re on Firewhiskey detail.”
“I rented “The Impossible Voyage” Severus says cheerfully.
“Haha, again? Wait, don’t you have it memorised by now?” Regulus ponders.
Severus chuckles “what can I say? I’m a sucker for a Muggle geography documentary” he shrugs.
The dark haired Ravenclaw and Evan walk over to Severus and Regulus, “Snivellus Snape!” the Ravenclaw says, pointing at Severus, “wide load! Ha! Haha!”
Barty Crouch Jr, Chaser. He is the smartest guy on the quidditch team!...Which is kind of like being the tallest dwarf.
“Haha! Alright!..” Barty laughs and fist-bumps Evan, they’re both obviously pleased with the comment Barty just made.
Regulus glares at the two, it was one thing to pick on him, but it was something entirely different to pick on his only friend “oi, Dunderhead! Why don’t you go cry to your Mummy and stop bugging people with your presence.”
Barty looks at Regulus in disgust, “I’m sorry, are you actually talking to me?”
Evan immediately says, “my buddy, Barty, just asked you a question.”
Barty looks back at Evan and they nod to each other. If you ask Regulus for his opinion on the two, he’d say they both share a brain cell and neither of them know how to use it, so really it’s just gathering dust in a corner. Every now and then though, they do seem to generate a good idea, but that is a very rare occurrence.
Regulus states confidently, “yes, I am. I want to know what gives you the right to pick on my friend! You’re an amateur wizard, a future Death Eater waiting to happen.”
After a moment of silence, Barty comments insultingly “you have a zit right there.” He points at Regulus’ face and pushes him before walking away. All the students, who had gathered in a circle to watch, laugh at Regulus.
Dear Diary: Why? Why do they hate me? Why don’t I defend myself? Why does Barty act like such a creep? Why? Why do I cry myself to sleep? Why? Somebody hug me. Somebody fix me. Somebody save me. Send me a sign, Merlin. Get me some cold booze. Something to live for…
Suddenly everyone’s attention seemed to have shifted off of Regulus, which he is eternally grateful for. Three Gryffindor boys had just entered, one wearing a leather jacket and sunglasses. The second is wearing the school uniform but in a dishevelled manner. And the third, well the third is the shortest of the trio, he too is wearing the proper school uniform but he has more of a collected and polite manner about him.
And then there’s the Marauders. They float above it all. I kinda hate the Marauders. There’s Remus Lupin, his dad is loaded, he sells engagement rings. And Peter Pettigrew, runs the chess club. No discernible personality, but his mom did pay for height enlargement. And Sirius Black, my brother, the almighty. He is a mythic asshole, I mean to the point where he pretends to not even know who I am. They’re solid Teflon, never bothered, never harassed. I would give anything to be like that. I’d quite like them all to be nicer in all honesty.
***************************************************************
Regulus is now in the bathroom, skipping his next class because it means dealing with people and he’s had enough of that today. Although his bad luck seems to have continued when he sees the Marauders walk in. Sirius is all over Remus again as per usual, Remus is hopelessly wrapped around Sirius’s little finger and Peter is running into a stall and throwing up. Thankfully, none of them seems to have noticed Regulus, so he just stays as still and as quiet as possible not wanting to draw attention to himself.
Sirius rolls his eyes at Peter, he’s resting against Remus and checking his makeup and hair in the mirror, “grow up, Peter. Bulimia is so ‘76.”
Remus, who’s leant against the sink with an arm around Sirius’s waist, “maybe you should see Madame Pomfrey, Peter.”
Peter, taking a break from throwing up, says quietly “yeah, Remus, maybe I should.”
Sybil Trelawney enters the bathroom, presumably having heard voices. She doesn’t seem to notice Regulus either, it’s fine though Regulus would rather be invisible than have unbearable eyes on him at all times.
Sybil looks at Remus and Sirius, who may as well be making out at this point, and tuts “ah, Remus and Sirius…”
As if on cue, Peter throws up again, drawing attention to himself. Regulus almost feels sorry for him but then shakes his head a little. He forgets himself sometimes.
Sybil looks in Peter’s direction, once again missing Regulus entirely, “… and Peter. Perhaps you didn’t hear the bell over all the vomiting. You’re late for class.”
Sirius, still glued to Remus’s side, looks over at Sybil and puts on a fake concerned voice “Peter wasn’t feeling well. We’re helping him.”
Sybil laughs a little at Sirius’s act, there are very few people who can see through Sirius’s antics. Sybil Trelawney appears to be one of them. “Not without a hall pass you’re not. Week’s detention.” She says to the Marauders, still not noticing Regulus there.
Regulus starts forging a hall pass for the four of them. He pauses for a moment though because why would he do something like that for them. For someone that pretends to not even know about his existence. No, he refuses to be like them. He finishes off the forgery and walks over to Sybil, handing her the hall pass “um, actually, Ms Trelawney, all four of us are out on a hall pass to get equipment for Quidditch practice.” He forgets himself sometimes.
Sybil takes the hall pass, examining it intensely, trying to see if it’s forged or not. After a moment of awkward silence, she says “I see you’re all listed. Hurry up. Get where you’re going.” She hands the hall pass back to Regulus and exits the bathroom.
Once the sound of Sybil’s boots has faded away, Sirius snatches the hall pass from Regulus’ hands, reading it. Peter and Remus crowd around and they examine it for a moment.
Sirius looks at Regulus raising an eyebrow “this is an excellent forgery. Who are you?” He asks.
Regulus’s heart drops, it’s one thing to pretend not to know about his existence but it’s an entirely different thing to ask him who he was. He collects himself and says “uh, Regulus. I, um, I crave a boon.”
Sirius looks annoyed, almost like he’s being inconvenienced with Regulus’s very presence, “what boon?”
Regulus looks down at the floor for a moment, he can feel the tears burning his throat. He collects himself again and meets Sirius’s gaze “um, let me sit at your table at lunch, just once. No talking necessary. If people think that you guys tolerate me, then they’ll leave me alone.”
The Marauders laugh as though it’s the most ridiculous thing they have ever heard. Remus has his arm around Sirius’s waist still, it’s as though he’s scared Sirius will leave him for another guy if he ever lets go. Peter is looking a little pale but at least he isn’t throwing up as much, he’s clearly the third wheel of the group, but it’s more than that, he’s singled out, he’s forgotten about it, he’s background noise. And Sirius, well Sirius is being his asshole self as per usual. He’s hiding behind a facade, Regulus knows it’s all lies, he knows that when Sirius looks at him all he can think of is their parents’ abuse. Regulus doesn’t blame Sirius for pretending not to know who he is, if he could he’d simply stop existing. Anything to make it easier for his older brother to move on and heal. Sirius deserves to move on with his life. But it’s too late for Regulus.
Regulus pulls himself out of his thoughts and quickly adds before any of the Marauders have a chance to decline his offer “before you answer, I also do report cards, permission slips, and absence notes.”
Peter quickly butts in “how about prescriptions?” He asks eagerly, hopeful.
Sirius glares at Peter “shut up, Peter!”
Peter looks at the ground “sorry, Sirius.”
Sirius pries himself away from Remus’s side and circles Regulus, as though he’s stalking his prey, “for a greasy little nobody, you do have a good bone structure.”
Remus, refusing to let Sirius get far away, follows him in the circle around Regulus “and a symmetrical face. If I took a meat cleaver down the centre of your skull, I’d have matching halves. That’s very important.”
Peter looks Regulus up and down judgingly “of course, you could stand to lose a few pounds.” Regulus holds back on making a snide comment in return.
Sirius stops in front of Regulus “and you know, this could be beautiful. Mascara, maybe some lip gloss, and we’re on our way. Get this guy some blush, and, Moony, I need your brush. Let’s make him beautiful.”
Peter nods “let’s make him beautiful.”
Remus quickly nods too “let’s make him beautiful.”
Sirius grins “make him beautiful!” He tilts his head to the side looking at Regulus “okay?”
Regulus smiles a little, he’s looking forward to this. He knows it’s just their way of manipulating him into doing what they want, giving him everything he could hope for, but he doesn’t care. For the first time in several years he feels like a somebody, he has the attention of his brother, he’s no longer a nobody. “Okay!”
The Marauders and Regulus exit the bathroom. Regulus forgets himself sometimes, hopefully he’ll do it so much that he turns into a new person. That’s his dream.
In the Great Hall Barty barges his way past a small first year wizard “out of my way, geek.” He glares at him.
The wizard looks scared. “I don’t want trouble.” he says like his life depends on it which, with Barty, it probably does.
Evan turns to face the wizard “you’re gonna die at 3PM.”
Sybil notices the Marauders and Regulus enter in a line together “who’s that with Remus, Sirius and Peter?” The Great hall is suddenly buzzing with excitement to find out who the new recruit of the Marauders is. Just as Regulus thought, he truly was invisible, not anymore though.
Severus turns in his seat at the Slytherin table “Regulus?”
Regulus can hear everyone mumble his name, he can hear girls saying he’s cute and he stops himself from rolling his eyes. Every now and then, a guy subtly checks him out and he blushes a little, maybe he likes the attention. Who knew?
You hope and you dream and you pray. And you get your way! Ask me how it feels, lookin’ like hell on wheels. My God, it’s beautiful. I might be beautiful. And when you’re beautiful… It’s a beautiful freakin’ day!