1.
Regulus Black was not only the last one to go to bed, but also the first one to get up. He usually got up at five am, and was the first one to get ready for the day. He didn’t like to get ready in rush, with Barty and Evan yapping. He liked silence and his own presence, since he remembered. In the his house, he was always left alone, that’s why he didn’t like energetic people; That is why he didn’t like James Potter. Young Slytherin looked at his reflection in the mirror, and let a loud groan. He looked the same for four years; Barty was right about the fact that Regulus didn’t change much. He wasn’t a fan of his appearance; He only accepted his hair, eyes and his cheekbones, that is all. His friends found him attractive, however he chose to ignore it, because not even his own mother was able to tell him that he he was well-looking; So how and why he could find himself attractive?
`You look pretty, Reggie. You don’t need to stare at yourself to find it. Believe me.’ Said Evan looking at Regulus. They were best friends since they found out how to crawl. Evan and his sister, Pandora, were from the pure-blood family. They spent almost all holidays together, at Blacks or Rosiers. Evan knew Regulus better than anyone, they were like brothers to each others. He could read him like an open book, Regulus couldn’t hide anything from him, and vice versa.
Regulus pursed his lips.`I am not looking for beauty in me, Rosier.’ But it was a lie, and both of them knew it. Regulus seemed to be confident, mean and self-assured, for people who didn’t know him but it was just a mask. He was very unsure about himself, but he never let anyone, to find about it. For him it was weakness, that couldn’t be shown at his house, such as emotions. He lowkey admired the fact that Sirius didn’t bottle his emotions, but he couldn’t do otherwise. His mother was a monster and he was her favourite son.
Evan shrugged. `Whatever, how are you? And I am not talking about your wished mood, but your actual. Is it getting better?’
Since last year, Regulus’ mental health was getting worse, he couldn’t stop it, and by uncontrolled impulse was isolating himself from his friends. Fortunately his friends were understanding and were his support through those times. `Evan, I haven’t felt happiness since I turned 12, but it could be worse. And you?’ Evan didn’t answer, his eyes moved into the direction of sleeping Barty, and Regulus didn’t need explanation. Barty was in love with Evan since second year, and Evan; He felt the same, but couldn’t admit it, even before himself. He tried to assuage this feeling by hooking up with random girls at the parties, that is why Barty started to hooking up with Regulus. That is why there was a weird distance between Barty and Evan. Regulus didn’t know what to do as he couldn’t tell Barty’s secret. The tension between them was unbearable but there was no cure for it. Regulus just tried to accept it and stay above it; The last thing he dreamed of is getting directly involved in it.
`You need to talk to him, honestly.’ Exclaimed dark haired boy. `And wake him up, I need to go, I don’t like eating when the great hall is full.’ Then he disappeared behind the wooden doors.
*
James Potter was the type of person who hated sleeping. He believed that sleeping too long was a waste of time; For him life was so beautiful and worthy that he couldn’t sleep longer than till five am. The cold September morning was perfect for early trainings, the cold air cut his nostrils and pinched his already red cheeks. As captain of Gryffindor team, he needed to be in the best shape, that is why his mornings were full of trainings. His one goal for this year was to win every match they were playing; He knew that it demanded sacrifice, not only from him but also form his team mates. He also knew that Sirius, one of the team mates, wasn’t ready for this sacrifice as he loved sleeping.
After an exhausting activity, he took a cold shower and got ready for school. His roommates were still sleeping, even Remus. The latino boy felt stupid as he was leaving the room without them. He also wasn’t the type of person who liked eating without his friends, but he needed it today. As he entered the great hall, he wasn’t expecting anyone, but for his luck there was one student. Regulus Black. The boy took almost every part of his brain. James saw him and analysed the boy’s behaviour. He was looking so relaxed and James never saw him like that, even on astronomy tower when the boy didn’t know that James was there too. He was drinking black coffee while reading a book. James never saw the boy doing the normal activities; he was never paying attention to Regulus, as he was just his best friend’s younger brother. But something unexpected has changed it.
Gryffindor boy’s thoughts were interrupted by his potion teacher. His least favourite teacher; after the teacher from history of magic, Cuthbert Binns. `Hello, Mr. Potter. How was your holidays?’
James put down the cup he was holding. `It was great, I visited my family in Mexico with Sirius. It was actually very nice.’
`Well, that’s good. Sorry for disturbing you. You looked really preoccupied by your thoughts. I hope it wasn’t important.’ Said old teacher. `What was I—? Oh yeah, you have your OWLS this year and your potions’ grades weren’t really good last year. I was thinking maybe you could take extra lessons, to help yourself. Of course not with me but with other really brainy student.’
`Um—. Yeah I think it could be a great idea.’ James head started spinning as he remembered about OWL’s. Everyone was talking about it and he was worried that he won’t pass his potions class; and the proposition form Slughorn formed a bigger baggage in his chest. The first day of school didn’t even start and he was already worried about something that will happen at the end of the year.
The old teacher smiled, and pointed his finger at James. `Good. Then see you today, at six pm in potion class okay? And please, don’t forget about it Mr. Potter.’ And the teacher disappeared. He was hoping that Slughorn wouldn’t ask Snape for being his tutor, as it would be a death penalty for him. He hated this guy more than anything, his view boiled the blood in him; He tried to accept him, for Lily as he wanted to be flawless for her, but something was really wrong with Severus Snape and he didn’t know what, but somehow he couldn’t convince himself to the black haired boy.
`James, what are you doing here that early?’ Asked the familiar voice next to him. James turned his head into direction of the girl and he saw the redhead girl. Her uniform was perfect, she had a book in her hand. Her hair were curled and the freckles on her face reminded him of stars on the dark sky. James’ heartbeat increased as he saw her. However the situation form the train, brung him to the earth.
He scratched his head, glaring his throat. `Oh. I couldn’t sleep. And Lily—, I am really sorry, for being irritating and overwhelming, I am sorry for the situation in train. I will stop.’ He stated and smiled weakly.
The girl smiled weakly. `It’s okay. I am just not looking for a romances right now, and I care about you, James, but in a friend way. I like you but I—. Don’t want to be with you, right now. Sorry.’
`That is alright, Lily. We can be friends.’ James nodded and she pulled him into the hug. Lily smelled like a bouquet of flowers and white chocolate. James waited for this moment for a really long time; It wasn’t like he imagined because, she just friend zoned him but it wasn’t a problem for him, at least he wanted to think that. It had an slight impact on his day and mood. The girl he loved since beginning of the school, told him that she doesn’t want to be with him, openly; This lowered his mood, and he already knew that this sentence will haunt him through the whole day. Or month. James had a huge problem with overthinking everything that happened in his life, which caused the sleepless nights and a lot of stress for him.
As they were eating together the great hall was slowly filling with students. They saw Remus and Peter heading in their direction. However without Sirius.
Peter smiled at the view of food. `Good Morning, everyone.’ Lily nodded, moving her body away from James so Remus could sit there. The rapid lack of her scent caused the feeling of void in James.
`Oh no, Lils, don’t move.’ Remus argued, sitting on the other side of James. `I will sit here.’ Lily smiled and moved back. Her warmth attacked his body.
James cleared his throat. He didn’t know, how to stop his body from reacting at Lily’s appearance. `Guys, Slughorn offered me an extra lesson with some student, do you know who is actually that good in potions that could give me extra lessons from it?’
`Well Severus is brilliant.’ Said Lily. `But I don’t know if he would do the potions extra lessons for people the same age. As we are on the same material.’
`Maybe you will get someone who, passed the OWLS already.’ Remus thought.
`I’ve heard that Regulus Black is really good at potions, but he is younger than us.’ Peter remembered, and shrugged. James wouldn’t mind Regulus’ as his tutor. But he knew it wasn’t possible as the young Black was younger than him, and for sure couldn’t cover the 5th year’s curriculum.
`Any way, where is Padfoot?’ Asked James and Remus’ face expression changed.
`Sirius the freakin princess, said he is skipping the breakfast today.’ Spit out Remus; This grew the doubt in the boy as he didn’t know what could happen between Sirius and Remus, that made Remus react this way. However James couldn’t overthink it as they quickly headed into the classes.
*
The lessons were dragging on and James counted for this day to end; The thoughts about extra lesson made this day even more terrible. He haven’t had a bad day since he started Hogwarts, at least he didn’t let this thought to himself; the weird atmosphere between Remus and Sirius made it worse. He didn’t even know why they were acting weird but it was visible from far away. It was the last lesson of the day and James sat in the desk near windows as the beautiful and vibrant views were the only things that kept him from mental breakdown.
`Is this sit free?’ Whispered into James’ ear Marlene Mackinnon. This blonde confident girl was James friend since they turned 5, they were neighbours and their moms were friends. She always knew what to do, and she was the only person who didn’t believe James when it came to his mood. She knew that James had a mood swings, that he kept from everyone. James didn’t tell anyone but sometimes it got so bad, he couldn’t do anything more than laying in his bed. Marlene, Euphemia and Fleamont were always the one who helped him, and supported as they were the only people who knew about his mental health. He was glad that they weren’t mad at him, he couldn’t understand why it happens and sometimes got mad at himself that he is so lifeless and powerless. It irritated him, and since he got to Hogwarts everything was better, he also took some medicines, that stopped his depression but he didn’t really believe in their working and he thought that it was because of Hogwarts why he almost never had that much of a depression states.
He smiled. `Yeah, sit down.’
`Bad day?’ She bit her lips.
`No. I don’t have bad days. And you know it.’
`You think you don’t, but—.’ She stopped when she saw James face. He looked like he couldn’t stand her monologue. His head was rested on his hands in act of tiredness. Marlene knew that James denied a bad days. That he couldn’t stand the fact that he needs the help. The girl wished she could help him, but Euphemia said that there is no way to help him. She knew that telling the marauders would help the boy, because bottling his bad state made it even worse but he didn’t want to overwhelm them. And at some point she understood it. Thus she supported him no matter what. `Okay. Never mind.’
As the class filled with students from the snake house, Marlene begin to act differently. She has changed her posture, and lifted her chin up; She quickly styled her hairs, which didn’t go unnoticed for James.
James crinkled his brows. `Marls. What—?.’ But before ending the sentence, he saw the answer. The dark skinned girl entered the room and sat at the front of the class; she looked at Marlene and winked at her making the answer clear to him. James knew that Marlene was into girls, but he never expected her to fell for Slytherin girl.
He turned to side and opened his mouth in gesture of astonishment. `Are you hanging out with Dorcas Meadowes?’ That quickly brought his friend from the trance.
`James. I—. I didn’t want to tell you because, I didn’t want to upset you. I know you don’t.—’
James moved restlessly. `You didn’t want to upset me? What—? You were scared to tell me, that you were seeing someone, because you did not want to upset me?’ His heart dropped as he have heard it. His biggest fear was not being enough to his friends, and it has come to his understanding that it is actually happening.
The girl rest on her arm. `It’s not like that, James. No one knew.—’
`But you weren’t scared to tell, for example, Remus that you are seeing someone, right?’
Marlene shook her head. `James, I am sorry. It sounded like I didn’t want to tell you, because I was scared about your emotions, but I was scared about everyone’s reaction, about her house. I am sorry.’
`Marlene, we are friends for ten freaking years and you were scared to tell me that you are dating someone because of their house in Hogwarts?’ His eyes filled with unwanted tears, that he wanted to dispose of them by blinking. However Marlene saw that, and she hugged him.
She sighed. `James Potter, you are the best friend I could ever imagine. I am sorry. Don’t cry because of me and her. I bet that you wouldn’t tell me too.’ But for James it was the worst thing ever. His mood went even lower. He felt unworthy and not enough to being trusted. But he couldn’t show it. He put a smile on his face. `It’s okay, I am happy for you. It’s just not my day. I am sorry.’ He admitted to the fact that he has a bad day and hugged her. The lesson started. However Marlene knew that it impacted James in a bad way.
`Jamie, I didn’t also tell you because, she kind of ask me not to do it. We kept it in secret from everyone actually.’ She whispered.
He knew that Marlene didn’t mean to hurt him, he was mad at himself that he let his emotions out of control. `Marls, it is okay. I don’t blame you. I kind of overreacted, you had a right to keep it a secret. Especially when she wanted it.’ James knew that, she had right to keep it, a secret and he also knew that it wasn’t about him, but the voices in his head said otherwise. And he didn’t know what to do to stop them. They constantly told him that he was the worst and unworthy.
Marlene knew what James felt. She spoke about it with his mother, after his visit at psychiatrist. He had many of them and everyone gave him the same diagnosis. She knew that he was trapped by his own thoughts. `James, it will pass. I promise you, that the voice in your head will stop. You won’t hear it. When the right time will come, it will be just a cloudy nightmare.’ Marlene said and grabbed his hand and squeezed it. She knew about the voice in his head from his mother, she knew that it constantly, reminded him about his biggest fears and lowered his mood.
`I know, thank you for the support Marls.’ He gained a bit.
`Of course, remember? Me and you—.’
James finished their motto. `Against the world.’
*
James headed to the grate hall, hungry and kind of exhausted. However he couldn’t give his friends any sights of his mood. As he sat he understood that his friends have a shitty day too. Peter tried to loose atmosphere, but Remus and Sirius were steely. They didn’t talk to each other, they treated each other like an air.
James took a deep breath.`Guys is everything okay? Moony? Pads? Something happened?’
Peter moved restlessly and put more food into his mouth.
Remus snorted. `Of course, why wouldn’t it be? Nothing happened.’ Replied Remus with sarcasm in his voice.
`Okay, I don’t know what is happening between you two but—.’ James tried to tell something but Sirius has stopped him.
`Moony is acting like he has a period. Like a freaking woman.’ Said Sirius, focusing girls attention to their talk.
`Excuse me—?.’ Marlene joined to the conversation.
`Marlene, do not get involved.’ Stopped her James.
Remus cleared his throat. `Sirius, shut your mouth, oh wait— you can’t, right? When you are not talking, you are sticking your tongue into girls mouths. That is the only thing you are good at, right?’
`What the fuck is your problem, huh?’ Sirius stood up, knocking over, the glass of orange juice.
Remus stood up as well. `Well, you want to know what is my problem?’
The whole grate hall focused their attention at them.
`Yes, actually I do want to—.’
James’s frustration grew over and over, his heartbeat jammed their voice.`Can you stop freaking fighting. For Marlins beard.’ Shouted James stopping their fight, and focusing everyones attention on him. The whole grate hall got quiet, even Slytherins gazed at him. Guilt expanded through James body. The whispers spread through the grate hall as James Potter has never showed anger. He never showed any negative emotion, especially not in the presence of the whole school.
It was also surprising for Remus and Sirius, and it quickly gave them reality check.
Remus blinked with surprise. He was aware that it was unfair towards his friends and that it made them feel awful. `Yeah, you are right. We should stop fighting. Sorry.’ Then pulled Sirius into the friend-hug.
Sirius tensed at Remus’ gesture. `Yeah, Moony is right. I am sorry Moony, sorry Prongs, sorry Pete. We gave you the hard time today.’
`Itfs olkay.’ Mumbled Peter with mouth full of food.
They have sat down and everyone felt the tension between them, but that was just because James felt terrible about taking out his anger. `Guys, I am so so—.’
Sirius wagged his finger. `Oh don’t you dare, apologising Prongs. We should be the one who apologise.’
`Yeah.’ Agreed Remus. `You had right to be mad at us. We kind of overreacted, and it impacted you.’
Sirius quickly changed topics, to not to bother James anymore and started to talk about new pranks and they all started jockeying around. The boy felt much better, as he felt that everything was on the right place again. His mind didn’t flow about other topics. Even the voice in his head stopped.
They were talking about gossips in Hogwarts as everything changed after summer holidays. `Have you heard that Frank and Alice want to get marry after Hogwarts?’ Said Lily. They couldn’t be more happy for them. Frank and Alice were their friend and marauders believed that they are soulmates. Everyone was hoping that they would marry and get old happily together.
Peter put his hand up, signalising that he wants to say something, but he needs to swallow his food. `Hey, guys by the way. Have you heard that Regulus and Barty are together?’ Asked Peter. `I have seen them together, today and they actually kissed.’ James got curious about it, but he couldn’t ask more as Sirius could get suspicious, about his interest in love life of Regulus. In fact James wasn’t sure why he cared about Slytherin’s boy love life. Why he cared about him.
`I knew it. They are together.’ Sirius vividly gesticulated. `I was right.’ Sirius loved being right, and he was making it quite obvious. `I am surprised that he is so opened about it. He was never a keen of showing emotions.’ Padfoot’s words faced Remus grimace.
`I think that it is brave of him.’ Remus stated.
Sirius shrugged. `I guess so.’ James sight jumped from Remus to Sirius. He couldn’t understand why they are acting this way, and felt that it was something deeper. He knew that he will eventually find out, because either Sirius or Remus would break and tell the truth. He should give them just some time.
*
A couple of hours later they have all sat in Gryffindor’s common room. They were joking around and James was talking about quidditch to Sirius.
`I know that early trainings, will improve our game.’
Sirius smiled. `I’m not saying it won’t. I just can’t give a hundred percent from myself, in the morning.’
Remus laughed from above his book. `Don’t pretend that time of the day has something to of with it. It’s just lack of the braincells.’ James bursted into laugh after hearing this comment.
`I am not disagreeing with it too.’ Sirius capitulated, trying to cover his smile.
`Time runs so fast. Its six p.m already.’ Said Lily entering the room. James heart dropped as he remembered, that he should be at extra lessons right now.
`Fuck. I need to go. I have extra lessons.’ Said quickly and run out of the common room. He didn’t even have time to correct his uniform. He was sprinting so fast that his hair were smashed in every direction.
Meantime Regulus was looking at the his watch nervously. His teacher asked him for help with tutoring some Gryffindor boy. He knew that Gryffindors weren’t punctual, and waiting for this person made him feel irritation growing in him, as he hated latecomers. When he was ready to pack his things, the slam of the doors stopped him. In the entry was standing James bloody Potter, with his messy hair, loosen tie, shirt untucked and unbuttoned at the beginning, showing his collarbones.
`I came here for extra lessons, Slughorn told me that my tutor will be here.’
`Well, when someone tells you to be at six pm, you shouldn’t be fifteen minutes late, Potter.’
`Yeah, punctuality blah, blah, blah. Do you know were is my tutor, because he is the one who’s late here.’
`I am waiting here, for you for fifteen minutes, so I think you are the late one here.’ Young boy scanned him and sat down. James sat next to him, and started the talk. The latino boy thanked Marlin that it was Regulus and not Snape who tutored him.
`Oh, well I am happy that it is you. Are you happy that you are teaching me instead of some irritating guy?’ James’ head rest on his arm.
`Yeah, I am extremely happy.’ Regulus rolled his eyes, while opening book for 5th years students.
`I can see that.’
`Well, then you need to find a new glasses as yours are clearly not helping'
`You know what, you should try to be nicer to people.’
`Potter, I am not here to be friends with you, nor for how-to-be-nice-lesson. I am here to teach you potions. That is all.’ Regulus announced. And James started scanning him. His hair were messy but also elegant; His uniform was perfect and on his hands was a lot of rings. James was tempted to ask where he got them from. But he chose another burning his mind question.
`You are on 4th year, why do you teach me the 5th year’s things. Isn’t it too much?’
`Well, I already covered the 7th year curriculum in potions. I will write my OWL’s in potions this year, with you.’
`Well, I didn’t know you are that smart.’ Regulus didn’t react to it, just rolled his eyes. Suddenly James wanted to know everything about the young boy, and was it true that Barty and him are a couple, but before James could ask, the young boy started the lesson.
Regulus in fact couldn’t focus around James, he was energetic and couldn’t sit steel. The perfumes of latino boy also gave Regulus a hard time as they were so intense that pecked his nostrils. The fragrance note was something that Regulus never smelled, sandalwood, but also with something like coconut.
The lesson lasted for an hour; James thought that it will be exhausting but young Black wasn’t a bad companion. As they went out of the class room, both of them wanted to go their ways as their dormitory are in the two other directions. Regulus headed there but James voice stopped him.
`Thanks, Regulus. Good night.’
`Yeah, night. Potter.’
For French boy, spending time with James Potter was unreal. In his wildest dreams, he couldn’t imagine how it could feel, and he wasn’t joyful about it; As James was in love with girl called Lily Evans and Regulus was not only a boy but also didn’t have anything in common with the girl; he was her complete opposite.
`Black, who did you tutored?’ Asked Evan the moment Regulus crossed the entry to the Slytherins common room. Young Black didn’t have a strength to hide it from them, they would find out eventually. He knew that it would thrill his friends.
`James Potter.’
`NO WAY YOU TUTOR JAMES FREAKIN POTTER.’ Pandora screamed behind his back, scaring the shit out of him. No one was in the common room except them; Tired Regulus rested his head on the back of the emerald couch.
`First of all be quiet, second of all yeah.’
`Why are you not happy?’
`Why would I be happy?’
Pandora let a tired groan and mocked him. `First of all, you don’t answer the question with the question, second of all we all know honey, that you have a massive crush on James Potter since you started Hogwarts.’ Regulus send her a death stare, and the small blush covered his cheeks.
`That is not true.’ Denied young boy.
`Oh Reggie, that is true.’ Agreed Barty with Pandora. `You have a crush on him since we remember.’
`Yeah, don’t you think that it is a good opportunity? The Merlin send you a sign.’ Evan shifted his position moving into Regulus’ direction.
`Stop, I do not want to have anything to do with James Potter. I am just helping him.’
His friends looked at him with pity in their eyes, as they all knew that Regulus dreamed about James. There was many situations that involved James and left Regulus speechless in a good way. For example when Barty, jokingly pushed Regulus into the Gryffindor changing room after the Slytherin-Gryffindor match, or when James punched Lucius Malfoy, sending him to the Hospital Wing for two weeks, not knowing that it helped Regulus and Narcissa Black, or when one time James accidentally run into the teacher, that Regulus hated, making the teacher become vacant. The hatred James felt towards Snape also impacted the feelings to him. However there was one situation that Regulus didn’t tell anyone. He liked James Potter since he was 5 years old and no one remembered it, but for young Black it was a significant situation that pointed out the fact he was bisexual. He saw him for the first time on some pure-blood event, and he remembers that he have never saw someone that cute, energetic, funny and amazing. He compared James to the sun, as he was the only person who was himself around those snakes. He was the only kid there who truly smiled; His parents didn’t put a damper on him. He remembers, he was playing with Evan plus the fact that Malfoy, laughed at him; and James was the one who defended him, throwing rocks at Lucius, then helped him to get up; Regulus was sure that James didn’t remember it and was sure that he didn’t know that he has lost his necklace with sun. And no one knows that Regulus kept it, till this day. No one. Even Barty and Evan.
Pandora sighed. `I mean if I was in your shoes I would get closer to him, Reggie.’
`Well you are not.’ Regulus answered and went to his dormitory, beforehand wishing his friends good night.
`Oh, Marlin. Please, don’t let James Potter hurt him.’ Said Evan and they all agreed. They were scared that Regulus would open up to him, and get hurt. He wouldn’t survive it. They all prayed for it to end well, but they also knew that it would end well or be the most heart wrenching story.