Tears stream, down your face, when you lose something you can not replace
Sirius put a muffling charm around his curtains that night, he thought his tears were dried up, he was wrong. He sobbed and sobbed, he sobbed so loud he was sure James and Peter could hear him over the charm anyways.
It didn't matter anymore, he was sure once he was out they wouldn't care anymore. It wasn't good or hopeful thinking, but he couldn't help it.
If you expect disappointment, then you can never really be disappointed.
...
It was the morning, the day Remus was supposed to be released. He was supposed to be released before dinner, i guess he had other plans.
As Sirius walked down the stairs into the common room with his trunk, Remus burst in, James right behind him trying to stop him but i guess not really.
"You fucking told Snape?!" Remus shouted, Sirius froze. It was common, he froze at yelling, he felt his body still with cold dread.
"Moony let me-" Sirius started, desperate. "You don't get the right to call me that anymore!" Remus said, his glare could kill, "Let you explain? What is there to explain?! You wanted revenge on Snape so you used me as a weapon? You almost turned me into a murderer Sirius! I would have been sent to azkaban! Maybe even killed!" Remus shouted, so angry he didn't care that Sirius flinched.
"I wasn't thinking thats not what i wanted-" Sirius tried to say, it was futile. "Of course you weren't fucking thinking! You never think! Your reckless and arrogant and don't care about anyone but yourself!" Remus shouted, stalking closer to Sirius.
The closer he got, the more Sirius tensed. "Remus please let me explain-" Sirius pleaded. Could he explain though? He doesn't even remember it, how could he explain?
"You don't get to explain! You don't really care! You just don't want to end up alone!" Remus said, jabbing his finger into Sirius' chest. "Well i hate to fucking break it to you Sirius but you are alone! Your going to end up alone because you are the same person you want people to think your not! You can't change, you are tied to your family no matter what you do, and you just keep fucking proving it!" Remus spit, oh he did not know how much those words would change Sirius.
Sirius shut down when he stopped talking, his words repeating in his head. He was right wasn't he? Of course he is.
"I never want to see your face again, Black." Remus sneered, pushing past Sirius roughly up the stairs. Sirius just stared at the wall, his face void of any emotion, he looked over at James.
He was so mad, he was justified, it still hurt. "Your not staying at my house" James said coldly. And Sirius thought he deserved it, but the first thought was Regulus. "James what about Regulus-" Sirius started to say. "I don't want anything to do with your family Sirius." James said sternly, and Sirius heart broke for a second time. "Please James i'll do anything just please let Regulus stay at your house please" Sirius practically begged, he'd get down on his knees if he needed to.
"I said, i didn't want anything to do with your family Sirius" James growled, and pushed past Sirius up the stairs.
Sirius stood there for the longest time, unable to process what happened before the dam of tears broke and he was sobbing ugly tears and he went to the only other place he knew.
...
When Regulus heard a knock on his door and he opened the it, he did not expect to see Sirius utterly broken and devastated.
It made Regulus want to burn the entire world for hurting his Brother.
"Sirius what happened, why do you have your trunk?" Regulus said, pulling Sirius inside. "I fucked up Reggie i fucked up so so bad i ruined everything i don't know what to do i fucked us over i'm so sorry im sorry imsorryimsorry" Sirius sobbed, Regulus heart broke a little, he had never seen his brother cry like this.
He remembers when they were little, their mother had just beaten Sirius to the point he couldn't stand well but little Regulus didn't really know that at the time, Regulus remembered he was sitting on Sirius' bed as Sirius tried to stifle his tears as he bandaged himself in the bathroom. When Sirius came out of the bathroom he sat next to Regulus, he remembered asking Sirius why he cried when he was 'talking' to mother earlier, Sirius said it was an act but he really didn't feel pain at all.
Little Regulus thought his big brother was invincible, a super hero, he didn't realize the truth till he was 11 and he saw the first time what really happened when his brother would 'talk' with his mother in her office.
He still wanted to believe his brother was invincible and it was an act, but now he couldn't tell himself that anymore when he brother was crying to him, the most vulnerable Regulus had ever seen him in his whole life. When Sirius explained what happened, Regulus wanted to cry himself, but one of them had to be strong, and Sirius was very obviously torn apart.
They would have to go back and Sirius was so emotionally shattered he wouldn't even be able to handle the physical abuse.
He coaxed Sirius into the shower and into fresh clothes, he laid him in Regulus's bed. The tears never stopped, and he slepted fitfully, but he was safe.
Regulus was a little scared for his brother. ...
For 2 weeks Sirius was a shit show, he laid in bed a lot but never slept, he struggled to eat unless forced and had to be coaxed into a shower. He didn't even fight it, he just didn't eat until forced. He cried when James, Remus, and Peter were mentioned so he banned them frim being mentioned with Sirius in the room.
For 2 weeks Sirius was a mess, and then he started getting up, he didn't take care of himself and rarely showed up to class but he got up.
3 days after the 2 week mark, Sirius said he found a place to sleep so 'Regulus didn't have to share his bed or dorm anymore'. He refused to stay, and Regulus couldn't force him which hurt.
Sirius wouldn't tell Regulus or anyone where he was staying, which frustrated Regulus to no end. Couldn't Sirius see Regulus cared?! Couldn't he see he was worried?!Regulus' blood boiled with anger, how could Remus and James say such cruel things? He understood how bad Sirius fucked up, but weren't they family?
...
Sirius couldn't take it anymore, he had to talk to them. It had been 4 weeks, he'd stayed away as long as he was physically capable of.
The guilt ate him alive, the sadnessached in his bones, the disgust and shame made a pit in his chest, he felt hallow inside. He wanted to feel numb. His body felt wrong.
He had left something in the dorm, something important. He thought they weren't there, he thought wrong. He entered the common room as they came down the stairs, he froze he didn't know what to do or say.
Remus scowled at him, James frowned, "What do you want?" Remus said. "I just wanted to get something i left in the dorms" Sirius said, his voice wasn't the same, he wasn't the same. "I thought i told you i didn't want to see you again" Remus said,
Sirius tensed. "I thought you weren't here" Sirius said quietly. Remus just scoffed and walked past him out of the common room, James hesitated before leaving to.
When they left, Sirius let out a breath he hadn't know he'd been holding. He scrambled up the stairs and to his old bed, he pulled a small box out from under his bed.
It was full of photos, he breathed a sigh of relief that it was still here. He opened the box and the first picture be pulled out was a photo from his first Christmas with the others. There were so many photos, besides the ones that were hung up on his wall before.
He nearly cried again right there, instead be put the photo back and closed the box, he left quickly. He didn't want to leave, but he wasn't welcomed.