Pray for us.
Sirius got better eventually, 7th year was better, it should have been better.
It was the full moon tonight, Remus was at the shack, it wasn't quite the full moon yet so James, Sirius, and Peter had some time but James and Peter were probably getting ready to head there now since they had give or take an hour before to moon rose completely.
Sirius was in detention, he'd get out in 20 minutes, really cutting it close. He spent 20 minutes anxious, annoyed at the day he had, and a little out of it. He was pent up, he was spiraling, he knew that, he knew it was gonna fuck something up, he just didn't know how to stop it.
He was almost constantly angry, making stupid decisions, doing really stupid pranks, drinking more. It was bad, and he knew people could tell, he had phantom pains a lot. He just never expected this.
He wanted to get to Remus first, trying to get there before he turned, so he could talk to him about a little problem named James Potter. So he ran out of detention once he was allowed, he made it to the last corridor to the entrance before being stopped, none other then Snape.
...
Sirius doesn't quite remember what happened, he woke up on the floor with a bloody nose. He remembers running into Snape. He remembers then going back and forth with insults, then he remembers Snape insulting Remus and James and then-.....no. No no no nononononono-
He told snape how to get into the shrieking shack. Why. No. Bad. This was bad. Verybad. Extremelybad.
He scrambled to his feet, he didn't know how long he'd been laying here but it was already too long. He ran, he ran like his life depended on it, and well 2 other lives did.
His legs hurt so much more and his lungs burned, but he ran untill he burst into the dorm panting. Making eye contact with James instantly.
"James" Sirius panted, "I fucked up" He said, his voice hoarse like he'd been yelling. The bleeding from his nose hadn't stopped, it wasn't broke, just badly bruises.Sirius will never forget the disappointment and anger on his face when he spilled what happened.
...
Sirius hasn't heard anything from anyone and it had been hours, James rushed out to the shack, Peter left to warn Ms. Pomfrey. Sirius was alone in the dorm and it drove him insane, the silence. Sirius hated silence, there was nothing to close the door that was to his ugly brain.
Sirius had a sinking bad feeling, it was so dreadful he was going to be sick, he was so disgusted with himself he pulled at his hair. He tugged and pulled and yanked just like his mother would, he needed the comfort of pain.
He had quite literally pulled smalled chunks out, he had a panic attack, threw up in his mouth, yelled, screamed into his pillow, begged to anyone who would listen. He felt so horrible there was no way to put it into words, he couldn't stand himself. If he could be anyone else, he would.
When he was younger he begged and sobbed to be someone else, someone who could be loved. He takes it back now, he doesn't want to be loved if it hurt.
He thought they might kick him out, so he had everything packed in his panic, now he sat on the floor right in front of his bed, his thoughts spiraling so much he didn't notice James come in.
He didn't notice till James was pulling Sirius' hands from his own hair, James hated that Sirius did that to himself, but he knew hold habits die hard.
Once Sirius registered that it was James he was saying a million thoughts per half second, not stopping to breathe at all. "Is he okay? What happened? Is he in the Infirmary? Thats stupid of course he is- Did he get hurt? Was it bad? How bad did i fuck up- J-James I didn't mean for this to happen you have to believe me i would never want this i don't- i-i don't remember what happened i was knocked out- please please you have to believe me i w-wouldn't- i wouldn't do this on purpose- i-i-" Sirius rambled so hard he didn't care that he started to hyperventilate, he didn't care till James spoke.
"Sirius, Sirius you have to calm down. You need to breath, you have to breathe for me" He said sternly, he was mad. He was mad at Sirius and he stilled cared if Sirius was breathing. Sirius started crying like a baby.
"Your mad- fuck i fucked up- i'm sorry- i'm so sorry- i don't know why i did that- i'm sorry- please forgive me- ill do anything-" Sirius sobbed in between gasps for air.
James swallowed a lump in his throat and grabbed his cheeks and forced Sirius to look at him. "Listen to me, you have to breathe for me Sirius. I know your sorry, okay? But you have to breathe." James said and made Sirius follow his example of deep inhales and long exhales until Sirius could breathe normally.
Sirius was so exhausted, his wounds that finally scared over ached from running, his whole body ached, he was so so tired. James seemed to notice that Sirius packed up his stuff, it was all in his trunk, packed away.
...
James knew Sirius' line of thinking, Sirius thought they didn't want him here. James didn't want him to leave but he was so angry and disappointed in him he was barely keeping from snapping. Maybe it was for the best that he stay away for a while.
"Moony gets out in 2 days, you can stay till right before he gets out, but i suggest you look for another place to stay." James said, pulling his hands away from Sirius. Sirius looked so tired, none of them needed this right now, but they all knew Remus would be furious at Sirius.
James realized he loved Sirius that night over the summer, and now that this happened, he didn't know if he wanted to love Sirius anymore, it hurt. So James put disdain on his face and stood up, he heart ached to comfort Sirius. But Sirius really fucked up this time and had to learn, right?