september 7th 1974.
September 7th 1974. 18:05
LILY LOOKED AT ME. In the middle of potions she actually turned her head around the look at me two seats across from her. She WILLINGLY turned her entire head round in my direction to notice me. AND THEN she looked at my test paper? So I was like, the smartest girl in the class cheating from me????? I thought that was such a compliment I was borderline grinning. I let her cheat obviously. Well I would've if that's what she was doing. She told me to stop copying her.
My dumbass said I was copying her beautiful face.
What the fuck is wrong with me?
Who even says that to anyone? But the weird thing is, I didn't feel anything when she made eye contact with me. No love, no admiration, no constant nagging of wanting. I didn't want to touch her face gently and tell her the truth. How I admire how smart she is and caring, even if she is friends with Snivellous. It's admirable how she puts up with him. And maybe how she still sticks with him no matter how horrible me and my mates are. Admirable, she's admirable. Not lovable.
Nah that's ridiculous. Of course I want Lily, everyone knows it! It's probably just because she was mad at me. Of course I wouldn't want to kiss her whilst she's mad at me, right? That's how it works, I think.
I needed to talk about how that saying about butterflies in your stomach isn't actually true, Sirius is constantly trying to tell me it is (wonder where he got that feeling from huh Remus). But it just never happens, he honestly probably just has a bad stomach.
SIRIUS HAS A CRUSH ON REMUS. OH MY GOD I FORGOT. It doesn't shock me but I can't help but FREAK OUT everytime I remember. Obviously I already knew, same with wormtail, but I didn't tell him that. Turns out I am very good at acting surprised. And what makes it even better is Remus just told Peter that he has a crush on Sirius. Both of them are fucking oblivious so I guess it's up to me and Pete now to get them together and have true love's kiss.
Anyway, the butterfly thing now that there is context. Sirius was ranting about how adorable Moony is. To be honest, he's an attractive guy but adorable? More, hot. Then he started talking about how he always get butterflies in his stomach when talking to Remus so obviously I was like that is not a real thing and he probably had a bit of raw meat in his dinner. Padfoot insisted it was but I have never felt it around Lily, I didn't tell him that bit of course. I wouldn't want him to think I don't like Lily like that anymore because I do. Since, first year.
Oh, maybe I'm just giving up due to the lack of reciprocation. That's why I'm struggling to feel much. I just have to push through and not give up. That's how life works too.
It makes sense now.
I spoke to Regulus earlier too, nothing much. Just a "hi" from me then "piss off" from him. Very progressive actually normally I would've been shoved out the way.