The morning after, the night before
He looked beside him in his bed, then got out of it, upon realizing he was alone. He put on his shirt, then walked to the bathroom, only to take it off again and look in the mirror.
The disappointment when he saw the lack of evidence from the night before wasn't something that he had expected to feel. He also didn't expect it to sting as much as it did.
They had never talked about it, and he knew that it wasn't really fair to be upset over something that he hadn't asked about. That didn't make it hurt any less.
"I know you think you're attractive, but why are you half dressed?" Sirius asked, laughing as he walked in.
James plastered a grin on his face, and told him, "The same reason you wear guyliner, Padfoot. I look hotter this way."
"You think I'm hot, Prongs?" Sirius taunted, standing next to him in front of the mirror.
"Not everyone that thinks you're hot wants to fuck you, Pads," he retorted, putting his shirt back on. In his head he added, And not everyone that wants to fuck you likes you.
"Ouch," Sirius laughed, and leaned towards the mirror to put on the aforementioned guyliner.
James rolled his eyes and fluffed up his hair, then patted Sirius on the shoulder and walked out, ignoring the guilt now gnawing at him.
"Morning, Prongs. You were sleeping like the dead when I got back to the dorm last night," Remus commented, tying his tie.
"Hi, Moony. Yeah, I was tired," James replied. He pulled his own tie out from where he had thrown it the night before, and struggled to tie it for a moment, before asking, "Moony, mate, you wouldn't mind helping with my tie, would you?"
Remus laughed and walked over to tie it for him, having to bend down a bit. James once again slightly wished that he had something to hide. "This is our sixth year, and you still can't tie your own tie? You're hopeless, Prongs," Remus told him.
Hopeless. That about sums it up, he thought, and tried not to let his smile falter as he replied, "When am I ever going to need to tie a tie after school? We only have the rest of this year and one more. No point in trying now."
He walked with Sirius and Remus to breakfast, and he tried not to look at the Slytherin table at all. He also avoided eye contact with his friends. Really, he just looked at his plate and shifted food around.
Sirius questioned him, but he said that he had a headache. He ended up leaving early, and finally looked over as he stood up. Gray eyes met his. James couldn't decipher the look.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After classes, Regulus stole into an empty corridor, after making sure that James was watching him. James glanced around himself quickly before following him down it.
Regulus pulled him into the shadows, into a kiss. James made himself stop him after one kiss, and whispered, "Can we talk?"
"Why should we?" Regulus whispered back, voice suddenly a little colder.
James ignored that, and questioned, "What is this? I don't know what we're doing."
"It seems clear to me: We desire one another. Isn't that why you followed me?" Regulus asked, trailing his fingers down James' shoulder.
James lowered his head, and had to confess, "Yes..."
"You don't have to do this. I can find someone else to play with," Regulus told him, his tone even and cool.
James felt jealousy that he knew he had no right to feel at the idea of the other boy doing this with someone else. "No, I do want to," he replied, a little too quickly.
Regulus kissed him again, and began kissing down his jaw, holding his head in place with a soft hand on his neck. James slowly relaxed into the feeling again, though he couldn't rid himself of the thought that it would end the same.
Regulus already knew how to control his body, and that almost scared him. How easy it was to let himself be controlled by him. It had never been that easy with anyone else. He was comfortable. Despite everything, Regulus made him feel at ease.
They went to the Slytherin dorm that time, as it was empty. James left almost as soon as they were done. He couldn't stay any longer. He just couldn't.
He eventually got used to the walk of shame, avoiding eye contact with everyone as he walked back to Gryffindor tower.
He eventually got used to the guilt he felt every time he would look at his best friend.
He eventually got used to the jealousy that rose every time he saw Regulus flirting with someone else.
Or worse, when he noticed him take someone to his dorm.
Worse yet, when he'd see them leave in the morning, rather than the same night.
He got used to the questions, and eventually they stopped being asked.
The one thing he couldn't get used to was how, every time, the warm touches flipped to cold words and avoidance.