James never forgot about Regulus. His lips still remember the immense beauty that came with having Regulus' weight and warmth between them. He never dared to forget the way he would fail to hold back a smile when James was messing about, how his eyes would sparkle in the sunlight that James would bring whenever he entered a room. His porcelain skin would radiate in the dim light, bringing even the dimmest of shadowy moments to life. Even today James' fingers still twitch with the luscious memory of Regulus' silky black hair between them, running over and under his fingernails getting lost like the dream that Regulus was.
He finds himself now at the young age of nineteen, a year and a half from their last encounter when James parted from him on that god forsaken train platform and he didn't look back. Why didn't he look back? Every bone in him was itching to turn his stubborn bloody head and catch one final glimpse of the boy he loved. It was already over then, they had broken up months before James graduated, after Regulus made the regretful mistake of showing James his biggest shame, the one thing that brought him the most misery in a world that was already out to get him in the first place. The mark.
The shiver that ran from the depths of James' soul to the ghost of Regulus' hands on his skin still echoes through his body today. It haunts him like a phantom following him around as a reminder for what he never got to have and what he never will. Plaguing him as everything he's ever yearned for in his short life was ripped far from reach and dangled mercilessly above him, reflecting something so tragic and short-lived that it barely counted as a story. A mere arrangement of memories that will one day fade into insignificance, forever forgotten. It was bad, he screamed, Regulus cried, both so unlike in nature. It still makes James sick remembering how he acted, usually so kept together, pushing his own feelings aside for the sake of others but in that moment there was nothing but betrayal, sadness and pure, undeniable rage. That night was the longest of his life, he said things he shouldn't have and didn't say things he should have. He smashed vases against walls and cried into his shaky hands. The worst part is that when Regulus reached for him he fucking flinched. He doesn't know why he did, surely he couldn't have been afraid of Regulus, right? This was the boy that he had held, he had kissed, he had shown him the most vulnerable parts of himself that he never even allowed Sirius to see. So why was his first instinct one of fear?
When the morning breeze met the chilly midnight air the night ended in the only way that it could have. With the end. The end of their tears, the end of their intimacy, the end of their relationship. But not the end of their love. No, their love was something so pure that even when the universe diminishes to a void of nothingness and every small, pathetic atom is obliterated the only thing remaining will be the remnants of their eternal love and the whisper of their tragic tale. Morning rose and James departed from the room, leaving his shine, his joy and his love behind. Then he went and he cried alone. He sobbed in the worst way imaginable, the way one does when they've lost the only thing that has ever made sense to them. He mourned Regulus as if he was forever gone because he might as well have been. For what is Regulus if not his everything?
He never told a soul, in that time being queer isn't something that could be spoken proudly. It's looked upon with grotesque, prejudiced eyes who see it as filthy, a sin and those who dare to commit such acts should be seen as nothing less than human, at least that's what they were taught by society. Regulus came from a family that was no short of wizarding royalty. If word got out that they're perfect little son had been fooling around, let alone fallen in love with another man then that would be their end. So James kept his word when promising to never utter their secret to another living soul and he kept it. He never even told Sirius, his best friend, his honorary brother, his other half. Besides, how could he? Sirius was Regulus' true brother. Sure he had been disowned and disinherited but they were still brothers and James had fallen in love with him. So he was forced to get up, dust off his clothes and return absentmindedly to his routine as if nothing had happened. As if the light inside him wasn't dying, as if he didn't have to hold desperately onto his will to keep going. Nobody even noticed.
But life went on, James married Lily and then he got her pregnant. He put on an artificial smile and he pretended to be perfectly content with the life that he chose. Yet he was still incomplete, he gave a part of himself to Regulus and he had to make peace with the fact that despite how many sleepless nights he spent begging the stars for fulfilment he would never get it back. It was gone, faded into the haze of memories that relentlessly pester him non-stop.
Sometimes James will sit and he'll dream of the life they could have had if the world had been kinder to them. They would have had a large home but one filled with warmth and love instead of the house that Regulus never could find the strength to leave. Along the walls there would be pictures of the beautiful memories they would have created together. And they'd require an entire library filled with all things fiction, from Shakespeare to classics to romances, and plush worn sofas where James could rest in the afternoon sun, his legs strewn carelessly over the side, to watch Regulus read. He would sit there and peek through his eyelashes at the boy he loved and gaze upon his endless scribbling in the margins and the way his eyes would smile at the adorable dialogue.
Regulus would leave little love notes around the house for James and he would say that James glowed with the power of a thousand suns, always signing them R.A.B. and when James would bring it up he would deny ever doing such silly things and yet he never would have stopped. They would have a large living room filled mindlessly with gifts from all their friends so the room was all out of sorts but neither cared. It would be large enough so they could push the furniture to the side, put on a record and dance hand in hand to the playful music that would float around with them. James would hum the rhythm softly into Regulus' neck and Regulus would pretend to complain the whole time but when James would pull away Regulus would cling to him tightly. Together they would dance in the flickering firelight, heated by each other's warmth and the love they had only for each other.
But they never got that. Regulus took the mark and everything was ruined. Now they're forever doomed to be dancing for all eternity only in the devastating daydreams that James calls upon to forget about reality for a moment or two.
Of course his current life isn't too bad. In fact it's one that many could never in their wildest imaginations dream of living. He has a beautiful wife, soon to be mother of his child, a thriving social life, a gorgeous house (one that he doesn't share with Regulus) and friends that he would die for in a heartbeat. Sure, he's lost his parents but they lived long happy lives and he got to say goodbye to them at least. And sure they're in the midst of a war that could imminently end in the execution of his wife but he chose to fight for a better future for everyone, his child included. There is so much beauty that surrounds him and yet he isn't satisfied. Without Regulus he never will be.
So now he has the perfect little life with his gorgeous picture perfect wife that loves him senseless, together fighting against the other side. The side that Regulus chose over James. And Lily is amazing, she truly is. She's independent, smart, funny and she deserves so much better. She deserves someone who can love her with their whole heart, not someone who hides behind a facade of sincerity and gets an achy twinge in their chest every time he utters those three words that he promised Regulus he would never say aloud to another living being.
But he loves her, he does. He truly and undoubtedly loves her and their unborn child. He loves how her laugh is loud and chaotic, nothing like Regulus' modest and lighthearted chuckle, he loves her glistening red hair. Red. Red hair. Red, not black. Never black. However, deep down in the depths of his soul, the place where he hides his deepest shames, regrets and secrets, the place where he hides Regulus, he knows that he'll never love her the way he loved Regulus. The way he still does, forever. In every lifetime, and every story, it always begins with them but it's always fated to end in tragedy. They're mortal power all too weak to change their destiny of endless longing.
He scrapes his heel along the slightly ruffled and worn carpet that cloaks Sirius and Remus’ flat as he’s knocked recklessly from his depressing daydream.
“James?” Lily’s voice beckons.
He blinks away his thoughts and turns back to reality, “Um, sorry what?”
“I just asked if you were alright, you looked sad.” She asks with a concerned smile.
He mirrors it like he’s become so accustomed to in the past year and a half, “I’m fine, don’t worry Lils.”
Remus squeezes into the squashy armchair where Lily is perched making her grumble with a small grin and make room for him. Sirius joins James on the couch, resting his head on James’ shoulder.
“Prongs is perfect,” Sirius yawns sleepily, “He never gets sad, the prat’s a ray of fucking sunshine.”
James chuckles lightly, “You say that like it’s a bad thing.”
Remus clears his throat, rubbing Lily’s belly, “You’re starting to show, how long has it been Lily?”
“Three months,” She smiles, showing a perfect array of pearl white teeth, “Only six more.”
“Ooh, have you thought about names?” Sirius muses.
James nods slightly, “Yeah, for a girl we wanted to name them Iris. A flower like Lily. And for a boy, Harry, after my granddad.”
“Those are great names. Absolutely love them.” Remus smiles warmly.
Sirius sits up and eyes James, “Um why isn’t my name there in the mix? You should be naming your child after they’re uncle padfoot.”
James laughs mockingly, “Yeah, I don’t know why you ever thought that.”
He purses his lips, unimpressed, “I feel betrayed. Where’s Peter? He’d never do this to me.”
Remus shrugs, “Probably at work, darling. James, can you go get us some more crisps please?”
He passes him the empty bowl that lay on the coffee table, now only a few menial crumbs remaining. James nods and rises, making his way to the kitchen.
While bustling about he hears the doorbell ring behind him but ignores it. One of the others will get it.”
Less than a minute later he emerges back into the living room with a newly replenished bowl of snacks to find Sirius at the door, his hand frozen on the knob as he stares in shock at the person before him.
James freezes mid step at the sight as well, both Lily and Remus turned towards her skinny silhouette.
“Siri,” She greets, her voice barely a whisper.
“Cissy,” Sirius responds, his voice equally hoarse.
James scans her appearance. Her hair is hidden under the hood of her black cloak, one made from the finest of fabric that only the wealthiest could afford, only the best for the Malfoys. The bleach blond hair that can be seen, peeking out looks neglected like she hasn’t washed it in a few days. She isn’t wearing any make-up and there are purple eye bags weighing down her eyes.
James’ gaze moved down to where her hand was over her bulging stomach. Her cloak was doing a fine just at hiding it but there was no denying that she too was pregnant. Further along than Lily however. James couldn’t help the sympathy he had towards that innocent child. One that would be born to vile and cruel parents, most likely having to face the same conditions Regulus and Sirius were subjected to. Nobody deserves that, let alone an innocent baby.
To the right James gets a glimpse of Remus extracting his wand and gripping tightly in caution. Narcissa Malfoy was here. At Sirius and Remus’ flat for some unknown reason. The woman who’s married to Voldemort’s right hand man. Sirius’ cousin whom he hasn’t had any interaction with since he was sixteen. She was here at their doorstep looking agitated, dishevelled and tense. An uneasy feeling of dread flooded James as a thick lump formed in his throat. Something was very very wrong.
Narcissa also noticed Remus’ action and raised her hands in defence, biting her lips. “I’m not here to cause trouble.”
“What do you want?” Sirius spoke loud and clearly but James couldn’t help but hear the ever so subtle tremor.
“I just,” she looked down at her toes.
James has had very few interactions with her but from what he recalls, she’s never acted like this. Timid and pained. She’s usually everything a well brought up Black daughter should be. Modest and polite with that arrogant privilege that most purebloods carried like a crown.
“Narcissa, you need to leave right now or we’re going to have a problem. Let me remind you that we outnumber you by three.” Sirius’ knuckles are clenching the doorknob so tightly they’re turning white.
“I already said I wasn’t here for trouble. Nobody knows I’m here.”
“Not even your pathetic excuse for a husband?” Sirius questions.
“No, nobody.” She repeats, not even retorting at the insult to Lucius, “I just thought you ought to know before it was released publicly.”
“Spit it out!” Sirius bellows.
She looks away, obvious dismay in her features like she was summoning all her strength to utter the following words, “It’s Regulus.”
James’ breath hitches in his throat, his hands tightening around the bowl that he still carries. That was the first time he’s heard that name in so long that didn’t come from his own mind. The sound is like heroin after he’s been sober for too long, way too long. But Narcissa didn’t speak with joy, she came to deliver bad news. Horrible, gut wrenching news that would change James’ view on human existence forever.
“He’s dead.”
Right there, in that very moment, standing frozen in his best mates' flat, James’ heart stops. His breathing ceases and his throat closes as his entire body begins to shake violently. However as his entire world comes crumbling down nobody notices, they keep their eyes steady on Narcissa in the door frame as she delivers the most devastating news ever heard by any soul, alive or dead. Nobody ever notices when he’s suffocating.
She continues, “We don’t know the details but a week ago he went missing and yesterday the dark lord announced that he had tried to get out and he ordered somebody to kill him.”
It hits James like a brick to the chest. Sirius’ back is turned to James so if he’s distraught James can’t tell. Even if he was facing him it would be impossible to identify anything in that moment. Time slows and hangs in the air above him and he distantly feels the glass bowl slip through his ice cold fingertips. It collides with the ground with a blatant shatter. Glass shards fly through the air, sprinkling the carpet and everyone turns to face him.
He loses control of his feet at the same time as his mind and stumbles back helplessly.
“No. No, no, no.” He cries as tears cloud his eyesight and his knees buckle and he collapses to the ground, and catches himself on his hands, the glass drawing blood instantly but he can’t care. He can’t care about anything except that Narcissa is lying. She’s lying because Regulus can’t be dead. He can’t be gone, he has to be alive because what is a world without Regulus in it? Without a purpose the sun has no reason to shine, Regulus was his purpose. Deep down he knows she isn’t, she’s telling the truth but that could only mean the end of everything.
He starts to convulse rapidly, at least that’s what it feels like. A horrifying shriek tears from his throat, piercing the air, it’s the stuff of nightmares. In a world of chaos and noise, everything and everyone falls silent and the only thing left to hear is the tumultuous sounds of a boy screaming in agony for the loss of his love. He’s lost his beloved, his everything. Without his everything he is nothing but a shell of a human being.
His tears continue to flood his face, choking him. The droplets of salt he sheds are more than just a reflection of his heartbreak, each tear representing a beautiful moment they shared. When Regulus would playfully smack James’ arm, when James would tuck his hair behind those adorable little ears, those endless nights they would spend lost in each other’s arms and vulnerabilities. He loses everything and more with each tear over and over again. Every little moment of sunshine, every hope for a life they never would have had, every part of himself he trusted in Regulus to keep safe that died with him.
Somewhere near him he catches a wisp of fiery red hair coming to his side.
“James what’s going on? What’s wrong?!” Lily pants in earnest concern. More than concern, she’s terrified for him.
He doesn’t answer, he can’t. More guttural sobs break free from his surface and he brings his knees to his chest, scratching at his face brutally.
“He’s not- he- he isn’t-” James can’t make coherent sentences. Every infinitesimal sound is heightened to maximum volume, clouding his senses. “I- I should have looked back. I didn’t look back at him. He’s not. He can’t be gone. I should have looked back!”
Lily reaches down and tries to cup his face but he pushes her away a little bit too hard. Her touch is nothing like Regulus’. It’s not what he felt like. When Regulus touched he did it with his whole heart. James’ skin would luminate at the silent brush of skin. When Lily does there’s nothing. No electricity, no joy, no love.
He opens his eyes again and tries to clear the flood of tears only getting a second of sight. Narcissa has left and Sirius is crying silently but gawking at James’ resounding cries. Remus is frozen at the sight of him and Lily is in a state of shock from him pushing her away. A cloudy fog fills his mind once again and he screeches another harrowing wail.
His body seizes up as he hyperventilates and all he can see is the endless flow of tears and the mesmerising image of Regulus Arcturus Black. He scrapes at his face with ruthless vigour, smearing crimson blood across his dark skin where the wounds from the glass persevere.
“Reggie. Please come back. Reggie. My Reg he can’t be gone. Regulus.”
Regulus was trying to get out. He didn’t want to do it anymore. For the first time ever Regulus tried to do something brave and now he was dead for it. James had begged him to leave, he had pleaded with him to join the order or at least stop being a death eater but he had told him that it wasn’t that simple. He said there was no getting out and he was right. But he tried and it had cost him everything. It cost James his everything.
James no longer cared who won the war, whether it was his side or the racist blood supremacists it no longer mattered to him. Let everyone that has ever dared to take a breath when Regulus couldn’t, perish. Let them die a miserable and pathetic death just like him and let them take James with them.
Nothing mattered anymore, it was over. James was nineteen, he had an education, a house and a child on the way and yet his life had just ended.
A raspy gasp escapes his dry lips. He gags and then bends over to the side, letting his insides come up and spill out over the carpet. Around him there’s now a flurry of movement but he pays it no mind. Instead falling to the side into a fetal position and shivering viciously.
“It’s my fault, I never said goodbye, I never looked back and I never said I love you one more time” The words barely make it out of his heaving lungs but they’re solid enough so that those around him can understand. Word vomit quickly follows his puke and thenhe’s rambling half sentences, sentences that only one person could translate and that very person is dead. He tries to will himself hard enough, hoping that if he believes in it hard enough then Regulus will come and save him from this nightmarish scene he can’t escape. He doesn’t come.
Remus’ frantic voice, “What’s wrong with him? What do we do?”
“I don’t know!” Lily cries over James, her hands shaking but too scared to touch him again.
James’ rambling stops as his throat tightens and his body denies the surrounding air entry. Maybe it was a way of his body ending things now. Quick and easy. His impulses kick in and he makes a desperate attempt to gasp for oxygen but his brain persists in trying to kill him. Reality is so far out of reach now, if his best friends are still panicking then he no longer knows nor gives a crap. They could be dying as well and it wouldn’t matter. If they’re dying then so be it, let them die with James, let everyone.
He always cared so much. When he loved he did so with everything in him, his friends, his family. But that beautiful part of him that made James, James was gone. In that moment it felt like he would never have the luxury of being joyful again. He would never laugh or smile or glow with the heat of a thousand suns again.
Every miniscule exquisite thing that makes people’s days even a tiny bit brighter is gone. Faded from existence. Left to rot in the place where lost things go when they no longer shine. The place where Regulus is.
James can’t help but think about this as life is slowly ripped from him on the floor of his best friend’s flat. How when Regulus’ light flickered out so did the sun.
He lies there dying a cold and suffocating death and he thinks of his love. He wonders if Regulus thought of him when it happened.
He smells the fair scent of Regulus’ hair before his body succumbs to the lack of oxygen and he fades from consciousness.
***
To James’ dismay he wakes an hour later in the warmth of Sirius and Remus’ bed. He however, has never felt more cold. The emptiness beside him is only a sheer reminder of Regulus’ unmissable absence.
His panic attack has since ceased, if that’s what you could call it. It felt like the hands of hell were stretching up from the depths of the earth and tugging him down. He wishes they took him, it would give him something to distract from the excruciating thoughts that parade his torturous mind. He legitimately contemplates just taking a knife to the skull in an attempt to scrape them out. It would hurt less than having to live with them. He doesn’t want to think about it, he doesn’t want to remember what it felt like. He can’t fathom what Regulus must have gone through when he perished, the pain and agony he surely experienced.
James most unwillingly uncurls and peeks his head out from under the duvet. Even using such menial muscles as those in his eyelids are exhausting. The room is empty. He’s left alone with nothing and nobody.
He doesn’t know how much time has passed of shivering, agonising thoughts and unendurable pain when the door clicks open and the comforting footsteps of his best friend enters the room and he crouches down beside James.
He peeks through the crack in the covers to James, folded in on himself and terrified. James makes the mistake of opening his eyes, they’re dry and red with me more tears left to shed.
Sirius looks almost as broken as James, his eyes a deep vermillion and his hair unusually messy. Sirius almost always takes great pride in his hair so seeing it in such a state is a white whale. It was common knowledge that Sirius hated his brother for not leaving that house with him, he hated him for joining that side and yet he was still mourning his brother.
“Jamie.” He whispers, his eyes solemn with pity and a sad hunger for answers that James doesn’t want to give him.
“Go away.”
“No. You need to talk to me.” He replies.
A lone tear falls from James’ deep brown eye, “Please just leave me alone,” He squeezes his eyes shut once more trying not to notice the resounding resemblance between the two boys, “I can’t look at you.”
Sirius kneels down so he can catch James’ eyes without having to pull the duvet off, “What happened with you and my brother?”
“Sirius, please.” His voice is barely a whisper but the echoing silence of the room enhances it.
“James,” Sirius repeats, “did you love him?”
Yes. Yes James loved him more than anything in this world, except maybe his future child. Maybe that’s the only reason why he’s still alive, for them and how they need a father. James loved Regulus, he still does except now there’s nothing that remains to love. James however chooses not to answer as it would be too difficult so Sirius persists.
“You said you didn’t tell him you love him one more time, you called him your Reg.”
James finds the power somewhere to nod, “I did.”
Sirius bites his lips, “Why?”
“What?”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
James sits on that for a moment. Then finally answers, his voice raspy, “Because Regulus asked me not to, because you’re my best friend and I didn’t think you’d forgive me.”
Sirius makes a noise somewhere between pain and pity, “Ok,” James makes note of the fact that he didn’t answer whether or not he would have forgiven him, “When did it happen?”
James rolls over to the other side to turn away from Sirius but he only climbs over him and lays down on the other side facing him.
“When did it happen James?” He asks again.
He sucks in a deep and painful breath, “A few weeks after you left and moved in with us. I- I found him crying in the astronomy tower one night. He missed you.”
Sirius scoffs lightly, “He didn’t miss me, he hated me.”
James manages a sad smile, if only it was sincere, “Sirius I knew him better than anyone, better than you if you’ll believe it and he loved you so very much. You broke his heart when you left.”
That’s when Sirius starts crying again. Not guttural sobs like James, just quiet tears for the brother he basically raised, “Don’t say that.”
“Okay.” James relinquishes.
A couple moments of torn silence commences until Sirius opens his mouth again, “How long?”
“Two years.”
“So all those times you’d sneak off at night you’d be going to see him?” James nods, “And that time you wouldn’t pull the curtains back from your bed and me being the stubborn fuck I was waited you out all day until I gave up and went to dinner?”
James sighs, “That was a close call.”
Sirius scrubs at his face, “Merlin. What are you going to do?”
“About what?”
“Your wife, she’s outside scared out of her bloody mind because your body literally tried to kill itself. She’s having your baby.”
“I know.” Is all James can say. It’s a miracle that he’s even able to speak, Sirius being here is a good distraction but soon he’s going to have to face this loss and then all the agony will come back and he’ll wish for an end again.
“J-”
“Can you get out now?”
Sirius squeezes his face into something of remorse, he reaches out to touch James’ arm only for James to shove him off.
“Get out, Sirius.”
“This is my room.” He reminds him, James doesn’t care.
He sits up and pushes Sirius away, “Get out! Get out! Get out! Get out! Get out!”
“James I-”
“Get the fuck out Sirius!” He bellows turning over and crying again, at this point shedding tears is work as he’s severely dehydrated.
“James,” Sirius tries again, “Calm down!”
“No! Don’t tell me to calm down! I can’t look at you right now!” He screams through a downpour of more and more endless tears.
He grabs the first thing he finds on the bedside table and throws it at Sirius’ head not aiming to hit, only wanting him to get out. He luckily doesn’t hit him, the lamp shattering on the freshly painted walls. Everything all too reminiscent of when Regulus showed him the mark. Sirius merely stares at him for a few long agonising moments, he looks at James like he doesn’t even recognise him anymore, neither does James honestly.
Then turns and leaves, he unlike James however, looks back in concern before exiting the room. Then James is left alone with nothing to keep him company but the ghostly memories of a boy that he’ll never see again, never kiss again, never indulge in the wonderful feeling of being lost in that beautiful boy. The boy that shined like the stars to his sun.
Seconds pass, then hours, then weeks. At some point during that time James had got out of bed, he doesn’t remember when or how so don’t ask him. He explained to Lily that he had once loved Regulus in school and that reaction was nothing but his younger self creeping back and that he was fine and he loved her. They both knew he was lying.
James went back to the order and he fought in a war that Regulus never would see the other side of. He lived with a false smile plastered on his dying face and he hung out with his friends like nothing had changed when really nothing would ever be the same.
Then he had a son. He was a beautiful beautiful boy, one that mirrored James' features perfectly, except for those gorgeous emerald eyes. Those belonged to his mother. As promised James named him Harry after his granddad despite the yearning feeling that hung over him to remember Regulus. He raised that extraordinary baby alongside his wife in the house that he had grown up in for fifteen months. Fifteen months of joy with that little baby. It was enough.
He held on as hard as he could, falling back into his old pattern of pretending everything was perfect when in truth it was just short of it. Until finally…
…Twenty one months following the moment James was burdened with that cruel truth, James saw his love again. In a flash of green he died for his son in the same way he would have for Regulus and they were reunited in a beautifully devastating whirlwind of events.
It was an ending that was both gorgeous and tragic. But it was their ending and at least they got one. True to his word James thought of Regulus when it happened and he got the opportunity to ask Regulus if he too saw his sun when he took his final breath,
He did.