Lucius Malfoy considered himself not just a smart person, but the smartest person—nay, the very embodiment of Slytherin cunning. If there were an award for it, he’d already have it hanging in his study (next to his portrait, of course).
So, when The Dark Lord Himself—yes, Tom Riddle, with all his brooding, cape-flapping glory—decided to take an interest in courting Blair Black (Narcissa’s cousin and, conveniently, her bestie), Lucius saw a golden opportunity. No, platinum. No, scratch that—diamond-encrusted.
Lucius’s grand plan was simple: he’d become Tom’s personal Blair whisperer, offering insider info on her likes, dislikes, and, naturally, her favorite flowers. All the while, he’d stay firmly in his fiancée Narcissa’s good books—because, obviously, nothing would make Cissy happier than seeing Blair swept off her feet by Tom’s intense stare and over-the-top gifts. What could possibly go wrong?
However, what Lucius hadn’t counted on was Blair’s... peculiar tastes. One evening, Narcissa casually mentioned that Blair had recently developed an interest in Muggle beauty products. Lucius thought it was an odd phase, nothing more—until he passed the information along to Tom.
That’s when things escalated.
Tom Riddle, his voice as cold as ice, issued the command: “Find these Muggle beauty products for Blair. And if you fail, Lucius... you’ll wish you hadn’t returned at all.”
Suddenly, Lucius found himself in unfamiliar territory, embarking on a bizarre—and downright terrifying—mission to keep both his lord and his future wife happy.
And just like that, Lucius Malfoy, master of pure-blood sophistication, found himself on the strangest—and most life-threatening—quest of his life.
Lucius straightened, brushing off his discomfort. How hard could this possibly be? He swept his gaze over the shelves, only to be assaulted by a garish array of colors and outlandishly extravagant packaging. The whole place reeked of cheapness. He felt like a king lost in a commoner’s market, utterly beneath it all.
He could sense the curious eyes of Muggles on him, as if they could tell just how superior he was to this whole ordeal. His lip curled in disdain, though he forced himself to press on.
Then, to his utter horror, a chipper employee bounded over, her smile blindingly wide. “Hey there! Can I help you find anything?”
Lucius barely resisted the urge to scoff. As if a Muggle could help him with anything.
However, he suddenly remembered his mission. Sure, he was a whiz at magical beauty lore—after all, he, Blair and Narcissa had “girl nights” that would put any wizarding salon to shame. But here? Among the dizzying array of Muggle products? He felt like a Weasley in a bank, utterly out of his depth and completely clueless.
“Yes,” Lucius replied, trying to sound as authoritative as possible. “I’m looking for… beauty products. For a friend.”
“Cool! What kind? Makeup? Skincare?” she asked, practically bouncing on her feet like a golden retriever who just spotted a squirrel.
Lucius blinked, momentarily taken aback by her enthusiasm. Was this how Muggles behaved in the wild?.
“Both,” he said, struggling to recall what Tom had mentioned. “Blair particularly enjoys… um, well, something that’s… sparkly?”
The employee’s eyes lit up. “Got it! Sparkly makeup and radiant skincare! Follow me!”
Lucius hesitated, feeling like he was about to dive deeper into a Muggle rabbit hole. What had he gotten himself into?
Lucius stared, utterly bewildered. Each tube seemed more ridiculous than the last. “What color are you thinking?” he asked, trying to sound composed.
“Um… something subtle?” he muttered, glancing at a tube labeled “Bubblegum Pop.”
“Subtle? Or bold? You could try ‘Electric Pink’ or ‘Passionate Plum!’” she exclaimed, practically vibrating with excitement.
“Perhaps I should—” Lucius began, but his words were cut off by a snicker from a nearby group of Muggle women.
“Are you trying to impress someone?” one called out, her smirk playful.
“Just gathering gifts,” he said, forcing an aloofness he didn’t quite feel.
“Gifts, huh? Is it a date?” another chimed in, winking with a knowing grin.
Lucius’s patience began to wane. “Just a friend! No dates here!”
The first woman laughed. “Well, you’re in the right place. Want some advice? Go for the red! Nothing says romance like ‘Scarlet Temptation!’”
“Scarlet Temptation?” Lucius echoed, incredulous. “That sounds… rather suggestive.”
“Exactly! Trust me,” she said, winking again.
Lucius sighed internally, wondering how he’d ended up in this Muggle beauty minefield.
As they walked, Lucius spotted a shelf labeled “Night Cream” with an elegant jar prominently displayed. “What’s this one?”
“Oh, that’s a night cream! Great for hydration and smoothing out your skin!” she said cheerfully.
“Perfect! I’ll take that as well,” he declared, eager to blend in.
Suddenly, his eyes fell upon a peculiar shelf stocked with jars that looked like they belonged in a potions class. One in particular caught his attention: “Revitalizing Cream for Mature Skin.” He blinked, baffled. “What’s this?”
“Oh, that’s a popular one! It’s meant for… keeping your skin youthful,” she explained, stifling a giggle.
“Right, youthful. Very important,” he said, feigning confidence. Why not? “I’ll take it!”
As he gathered the items, a wave of panic washed over him. He was clearly out of his depth. Muggles passed him by, some giggling, others looking puzzled, as if they were in on a joke he didn’t understand.
“Anything else?” the staff member asked, eyeing his overflowing basket.
“Just one more thing,” he said, scanning the shelves desperately. “Do you have, um… products for… Tena Ladies?”
The employee blinked, trying to hide her laughter. “Uh, we have plenty of options over here!”
Lucius nodded, completely oblivious. “Perfect! I’ll take whatever you have!”
As he gathered the last of his bizarre selections, he felt a strange mix of triumph and confusion. What had he gotten himself into?
Lucius nodded, feeling a swell of triumph as he gathered his bizarre selections. “I’d say I’ve navigated this Muggle beauty labyrinth quite successfully,” he thought, smirking to himself.
As he walked toward the register, he couldn’t help but feel like a true connoisseur of Muggle charm. He’d impress Narcissa and Blair with his newfound “knowledge,” and he could already envision the look of approval on his lord’s face.
“Mission accomplished,” he muttered under his breath, a satisfied grin plastered on his face. Little did he know, Narcisa and Blair were following him in disguise and laughing at his wild goose chase. But for now, he was ready to strut out of that store like a champion, convinced he’d just earned himself some serious brownie points with both his fiancée and the Dark Lord.