Say When (Theo)
Theo dressed neatly, each button on his shirt slowly and precisely closed.
His hands shook, taking him twice as long.
Theo brushed his hair and his teeth, he smiled in the mirror to check that he didn't miss a spot.
His skin was pale, a sickly pale of a dying man.
Theo grabbed his apology gift off his dresser and then clutched it with both hands while he sank down to sit on the foot of the bed.
It wasn't going to be enough, he knew it wasn't.
Theo wasn't going to be enough - or he was going to be too much, one of those options. Theo could track down every obscure and rare book in the world for Harry and he was still quite sure that their relationship was going to end regardless.
And who was there to blame outside of Theo himself?
Theo remained in place on his bed with his head bowed in thought until quiet footsteps alerted him to Sirius's presence.
"Going somewhere?" Sirius asked. The bed shifted some when Sirius sat beside Theo and the warmth of his body was more than welcome.
"Date night," Theo informed him flatly. It was meant to sound like a joke, though Theo suspected nobody but God was laughing.
‘Date night' was what Sirius called the evenings that Theo and Harry spent together outside of their homes. They were often dates… They used to be.
They went to a library, a museum. They found quiet restaurants to eat at and secluded woods to practice magic together. Theo told Harry about Hogwarts, about his father, about being made an honorary Weasley. Theo explained how Sirius came to be like family to him and how Theo stopped planning for his future too long ago to be sure how to do it again.
Harry talked about dying, about torture and screams he never shed. Harry described magic so dark that it gave Theo chills and he said he could still smell his flesh burning at odd times. Harry told Theo that he saved his memories of them together to distract himself from the pain, the fear.
Sirius could call it date night all he wanted, but they weren't dates. They were two souls that used to be in sync trying to find the rhythm to follow once more.
"Theo…" Sirius's voice was hesitant, his hand on Theo's back was not. Theo had to grind his teeth together to keep from screaming at the contact, the contact he needed and didn't deserve.
Theo was ruining everything. It wasn't his own life he was running to the graveyard dirt, but that of everyone around him.
"I know," Theo said. He did know. Theo knew that intentions mattered not at all when the results were so disastrous. Theo pushed himself up, taking him from the warmth and kindness that Sirius so freely offered him.
Theo looked around the room that Sirius gave him, the room that he never had to hide in or ward against Sirius. It had been comfortable, safe, so filled with potential. It was exactly what Theo imagined a home would be like… it only wasn't Theo's home.
"Thank you," Theo told Sirius, looking anywhere but at the man. Theo fixed his eyes on the Slytherin flag on his wall, the one that Sirius had playfully moaned and groaned about hanging in his house the entire time he helped Theo fixate it perfectly on the wall. That meant something to Theo, something he doubted he could put into words.
The eloquence he once prided himself on was gone, burned away with the life he tried to rebuild.
"You've done a lot for me, Sirius. You may not…" Theo cleared his throat, gripped the book to hide the tremors in his hands. He started again, slowly, "You may not realize it, but you're something like a father to me. I wish I had repaid that by being something like a son that you deserved."
Because Sirius was insane, impulsive, reckless… but he was a good man. Sirius was a great man, Theo should have aspired to emulate him. If their lives were that of the past, Sirius would be Daedalus and Theo was Icarus who had only seen the sun and ignored the burning of his wings.
"Theo." Sirius pushed himself up and moved to embrace Theo, though Theo moved before he could. If Sirius held him then Theo would break and there were still things that needed to be done. Theo couldn't leave with anything left unfinished - it would torment and taunt him into unrest.
"Stay here," Sirius said, reaching a hand out even after Theo rebuffed him. "You and I will figure things out, okay? You don't - don't need to leave."
Sirius was an intelligent man, he knew as Theo did that Theo wouldn't be returning. It went without saying that Theo knew Sirius knew that Theo shouldn't stay, he couldn't. Theo was selfish and arrogant, it would kill him. Theo was not so selfish that he would continue to ruin Sirius's life as well.
"I'll leave my keys with Sirianna," Theo said. He lightly brushed the bedroom door and paused as his body begged to stay and Theo's brain knew it could not. Theo laid his wand on the dresser, he wouldn't need it. "Bye, Sirius."
Theo had to leave quickly then, to escape the muffled sound Sirius made. Like his godson, Sirius refused to show his pain. Like his godson, it was Theo that was hurting them.
It was the bittersweet taste of nostalgia that filled Theo's mouth and tainted his thoughts as he drove through Hawkins. The town that he had been so quick to discredit was actually lovely in its own way.
The trees had embraced fall and changed the colors of their leaves to a collage of oranges, yellows, and browns. There were children with their own collages of color playing on their lawns, racing their bicycles, enjoying the weather before October arrived and sapped the warmth from the air.
The summer months had once been the coldest times of Theo's life, it had never been September. September meant the return to Hogwarts, the return to his dorm that was too large without Harry's bed and his friend who had stayed by Theo's side through many a trial.
September was cold to Theo then, cold enough to cause him to shiver while he drove toward the sun. His wings had already melted, Theo was no longer a God, only a man.
There was Billy Hargrove's blue car in Harry's driveway when Theo pulled in. The tan car that belonged to the Chief of Police was gone… Theo chose to believe that was a good sign, one that meant that Theo's idiocy had not permanently damaged the man who cared for Harry and Sirianna.
It was Theo's fault he had been injured, Theo's fault that Harry had another instance of trapping a scream in his throat. It was an accident, most things were.
Theo stepped out of his car and remained stoic when the front door slammed open and Billy stormed out with Sirianna behind him. Billy looked furious, Sirianna apologetic.
"You can fucking leave," Billy told Theo. He moved quickly and had himself in front of Theo in seconds. Theo didn't shrink, didn't cower. Theo stared impassively and wondered if Billy Hargrove thought that he was scary.
Theo saw Thaddeus Nott in the mirror and felt Christina Nott's disappointment in his sleep. There was nothing Billy could do to scare Theo.
"I will," Theo said shortly. He wasn't scared of Billy, but he was sick and hardly needed some boy with nicotine scented breath in his face. Theo's fingers itched for a cigarette, not much longer.
"I'm here to see Harry." Theo looked past the boy to find Sirianna. Sirianna would understand, she would. They were two people who would neither leave Harry without a goodbye.
Sirianna would understand and she did.
"I'll get him," she said with pity in her eyes. Theo didn't know how anyone thought that Sirianna and Harry had identical eyes - hers were always more expressive. Harry's brightened and darkened with his mood, Sirianna's eyes screamed emotion.
"You're a piece of shit." Billy shoved Theo as soon as Sirianna was gone and Theo grinned bitterly as his back hit the car he was leaving for Sirianna.
Did Billy think he was imparting wisdom on Theo? Did he think that Theo was not already well aware of his worth?
"Are you going to hit me for it?" Theo asked, only minutely curious about Billy's plan there. Did he think he could loom over Theo and punch him into being a better person? Could he strike away the past and change Theo?
Or was it simply meant to hurt? It changed it from rehabilitation through discipline to simple punishment if it was only meant to hurt.
Theo didn't care either way, he doubted he would feel it. It was merely a small curiosity.
Billy's eyes flashed with anger and the fist at his side slowly loosened itself. When he took a step back, Theo was not disappointed. It would be absurd to want someone to hit him.
Unless it would bring a rush of endorphins with the adrenaline that would temporarily pause the tremors, soothe the shaking sickness in his stomach. If it took the small zaps of electricity, neurons firing incorrectly without the guidance of Theo's favored opioid, then Theo would have thanked him.
"No." Billy sneered at Theo, the look of a man disgusted with what he saw before him. "I'm not going to fucking hit you. But the next time you overdose in a shitty alley and get Hopper shot, I'm going to kick your ass."
‘Overdose' was the medical term for miscalculation. Theo miscalculated his purchase, miscalculated his need with his want.
"You're quite certain there will be a next time," Theo said lightly. If all else failed, he was probably correct.
"You're an obsessive junkie, there'll be a next time."
"Touché," Theo said flatly. Again, did Billy think he was imparting a deep and unknown wisdom on Theo? Theo had a tendency to obsess, he always had. Theo never anticipated that his obsessions would lead to such catastrophe though.
Billy scoffed at him and Theo should have been relieved when the door opened and Harry walked outside, but the wave of his own sense of disgust that struck Theo drowned any chance of relief.
Harry looked tired, unwell. His fingers twisted around themselves at his side and his eyes were skittish.
Theo did that. Theo caused that.
"Hello," Theo said, unsure what else there was to say with an audience.
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I only ever thought about finding you, I never knew what to do when I had you.
"Hi," Harry said. Despite the fine layer of trauma that Theo added - because truly, Theo would need to get excessively creative to compete with the terrors of MACUSA's wizards - Harry still walked directly to him.
Harry still took Theo's hand even if the scar on his guardian's shoulder was Theo's fault.
Nobody deserved Harry Potter.
"Are you free?" Theo asked Harry. "I wanted to talk."
"I - yeah." Harry nodded and he squeezed Theo's hand, maybe for his sake as much as Theo's. "We can talk."
Theo turned so he could take the book from his passenger seat and the keys out of the ignition. He tossed the keys to Billy, "Give those to Sirianna, please," he asked. Billy was thankfully silent just long enough for Theo to face Harry.
"Do you trust me?" he asked.
Harry didn't hesitate, he never did. "Yes."
Theo certainly didn't deserve that trust. He turned on the spot though and apparated away, taking Harry with him to a quiet place where they could talk.
It was the woods where they went, a deep part where the trees blocked most of the sun and the air was chilly enough to cool the sweat that pooled on Theo's forehead. The woods reminded Theo of the forest at Hogwarts that Harry had only seen once.
"Do you remember our detention in first year?" Theo asked Harry. He dropped Harry's hand and walked away some, thinking of the past. "When Siri and Ron got us in trouble?"
"I'm still annoyed they forgot the cloak," Harry said. Theo smiled lightly, he was too. Theo and Harry could have sent away Hagrid's dragon and never been caught if it weren't for Sirianna and Ron.
Theo and Harry could have done anything together.
"Your cloak is in your vault, by the way," Theo said. It didn't matter, Theo was stalling. Theo wanted to talk about inconsequential things so he didn't have to see Harry's face when the point of the discussion was reached.
"Is it?" Harry didn't sound surprised, but Theo knew he was anyway. "I thought it would have burned."
"Sirius said it was too magically powerful to be destroyed," Theo said. He didn't know what magic powered the cloak that the twins inherited from their father, he only knew it gave him hope that the twins had never perished with the Dursley family.
It was silent then, a long silence thick with words they both needed to share. Neither of them were wholly verbal beings, Harry even less so. Theo didn't want to speak yet, Harry was patient while Theo looked out in the woods and tried to find the strength he needed.
"I missed you more than anything." Theo wasn't embarrassed by the tears, he wasn't ashamed for Harry to know he was crying. Theo was ashamed by a great many things that made it painful when he did turn slowly to face Harry, his emotions weren't one of them.
"I missed you," Harry said. There was no agony on his face, no tears being shed. It didn't mean that Theo wasn't hurting him, Theo knew him better than that. It meant that Harry never showed pain if he could help it.
"I don't know what I'm doing," Theo admitted bleakly. "I don't know how I'm ruining everything when this is all I've ever wanted."
Theo was free of his father, he had his best friend back. Theo loved Harry and was loved by him. Theo had a home, he could have had friends.
Everything he once dreamed of was there and Theo had doused it with gasoline before he lit the flames.
"You're sick, Theo." Harry reached out for Theo and Theo so foolishly took his hand, so foolishly thought that Harry might be just stupid enough to want him despite everything.
Theo took his hand and he let Harry tug lightly, pulling him until they were toe-to-toe and Theo could rest his forehead against Harry's. Harry was warm, dazzling, as magnificent as the sun itself.
Harry was not stupid.
"It feels like drowning," Theo whispered brokenly. The pain inside of him, the voice that told him to give everything up to ease the pain, the moments where everything was right and it still drove Theo to seek out a high… all of it was pressing down on Theo, drowning him.
It was there, before. Theo thought - he thought that Harry would take it away, but it still found him.
Or Theo found it, he wasn't sure which way it had gone. All he knew what that his best intentions hadn't been enough and that love might have once saved Harry's life, but it wouldn't Theo's.
"I know," Harry murmured quietly, his hands firm while they held Theo and he shattered Theo's heart. "I can't swim for you, Theo. I can't. And I can't let you pull me under the water with you."
Theo knew that, he knew that everything Harry said was logical and sound reasoning. It wasn't his brain that wanted to fight against it, it was his heart that ached and rebelled.
"I'm leaving Hawkins," Theo said, leaving the details vague. He would change his plans if Harry went with him. "Will you come?"
It was selfish, the most selfish thing Theo had done before. Theo was selfish though, selfish enough to know he shouldn't have asked and to not take it back when Harry hesitated.
"I can't," he finally said, pulling a noise of pain from Theo's throat when the rejection was paired with an ill-timed electrocution through his brain.
"If I didn't have my family, my friends, I would," Harry said. Theo believed him, Harry was too good. Harry had every excuse to be a monster, yet he was the saint.
"You chose me," Theo reminded him in a small voice, the voice of a child arguing against a law.
Harry did choose Theo, again and again. Theo wished he would do it just one more time. Everything might be okay if he did it just once more, when Theo deserved it the least and needed it the most.
"I chose who you used to be."
It was the truth, Theo knew it. Harry chose eleven year old Theo who knew unhappiness but not desperation. Harry chose a boy who had issues, not the man who was sick and poisoning everyone around him.
Theo was sick, Theo was drowning in an addiction that spiraled from his control. Theo knew that, he knew Harry couldn't save him from himself.
"I never meant for this to happen," Theo said, hating that it was Harry who he hurt.
"I know, Theo." Harry released Theo's hands so that he could grab his back and cup his head for a hug that was enough to make Theo break inside.
Theo wasn't Harry with his endless capacity for strength and resilience. Theo was weak, fragile.
The cracks had long been there, multiplying over time. It took one tender hug from the person who Theo loved the most to obliterate him.
Harry held him through it, giving Theo a safe place to let everything crushing him lighten if only for the moment. In the woods, in Harry's arms, Theo was safe from himself and the waves that drowned him.
"I love you, Theo," Harry said, speaking clearly over Theo's pitiful and jagged sobs. "If - if love was enough…"
"Only for you," Theo said when he could control himself. There were still tears that leaked out, but Theo could breathe and speak and think.
"I'm not Lily," Harry said, so soft and sweet and correct.
Harry wasn't the one for the grand sacrificial gesture, Theo wouldn't love him as much if he were. Harry wouldn't be who he was if he let Theo pull him in the dark waves with him; Theo wouldn't be who he had become if he hadn't tried.
"No, you're not." Theo took his chance to drink in every detail of Harry's face before him. He touched his cheek, leaned in to kiss his lips one more time.
One last kiss, freely given and forever treasured.
"You're something greater by far," Theo whispered to him. "I love you."
Theo loved Harry as naturally as he breathed and he always would. But Theo couldn't kill him.
"For you." Theo handed over the book he had, the one he found for Harry on dimension magic. It was difficult to find, rare to even exist. Most wizards accepted that dimension magic was imprecise, foolish, dangerous.
"This feels like a goodbye…" Harry said, looking down at the book Theo gave him. He looked up and Theo knew he needed to leave, he knew he was slicing Harry as deeply as he was wounded.
Harry was crying.
"It is," Theo said. If he were a better man, a stronger man, he would take Harry home before he left. Theo only had enough strength to walk away though, it was taking everything to walk away. "You stay here and - and be happy, I'm going to go."
Theo backed up a step, Harry didn't follow.
"I'm proud of you," Theo said honestly. "You're amazing, Harry. Truly."
Eleven year old Theo would never have guessed that his best friend would become the incredible man across from him. Harry had grown through his trials, he never let them break him. Harry was steel with soft places that he shared with the ones he loved.
It was a privilege to have been loved by him.
"Don't say goodbye," Harry said quickly when Theo had been prepared to say just that. A tear leaked out of Harry's eye and Theo followed its trail down his face, to where it handed on the collar of his shirt.
"Can we say ‘see you later'?" Harry asked, his voice quivering. "Please?"
Summers last forever it feels like. I can't wait for September.
See you soon -Harry‘Soon' makes me think it's mid-July and we're almost there. Soon is immediate and summer does seem to last forever.
See you later? -Theo
It was the last letter Theo sent him, the one that went unanswered.
"Okay," Theo agreed, smiling at Harry and vowing to remember him as he was, not as who he had once been. "I'll see you later."
Theo apparated away before he heard Harry —
"See you later, Theo."
Later might still be a very long time. Longer than summers, longer than the time Theo had spent searching for his best friend.
*****
Theo spent a long time on the edge of the cliffs, staring impassively down at the waves that destroyed the rocks beneath them. They were so strong, unrelenting.
The rocks didn't stand a chance, not on their own.
When the sun began to set, Theo inhaled deeply and told himself he only had one more stop to make - one more place to go before he could be finished. Theo began walking across the ground slowly, not to stall but to appreciate what exactly he left behind and what he hoped to find.
Peace? Happiness?
Were those impossible ideals? Was Theo just a person so miserably cursed that he could have his entire dream before him and still not feel joy?
Was Thaddeus like that? Miserable with his life and determined to make those around him just as unhappy?
Theo would never know, but he suspected that it had been genetic. Thaddeus found relief through the iron fist he ruled their house with, Theo found his through substances.
Perhaps they were not as dissimilar as Theo thought… a depressing thought for his depressing walk.
There was time for Theo to turn back, to change his mind. He could have left, went to chase after a feeling of safety and oblivion that was artificial and killing him. Theo couldn't be sure his new course of action would provide anything substantial, anything lasting.
Except… except beneath the pangs and the pains, beneath the deep sense of loss and the agony of having everything he wanted and burning it anyway… there was a quiet voice that asked: ‘Why not me?'
Theo wanted Harry to be happy, why couldn't Theo try and find his own happiness? Why couldn't Theo one day be a man made of steel that was forged through trials and made him stronger for it?
Why couldn't Theo have a future where peace was not the exception, but the rule?
Theo knocked on the door before he could change his mind and then wrapped his arms around his midsection for defense against another possible rejection. It was possible - likely, even - but Theo knew that he needed a buoy that could withstand his storms.
The waves were environmental, genetic perhaps. But the storms? Theo caused the storms.
Bill Weasley opened his door and if he was surprised to see Theo Nott standing on his doorstep, he didn't show it. Bill stood tall, calm, confident.
Theo was shivering from the cold, sweating from the withdrawal, every cell of his body begging for relief from the illness he caused.
"I think - I think…" Theo's teeth were chattering and he struggled to look Bill in the eyes as he admitted what he should have known months ago - Theo had nothing in his control.
"I think I need help," Theo said with a truly pathetic sniffle. It was his newest low, the absolute lowest he had ever been. Theo had it all… he lost it all and there was nobody to blame but himself.
"Please." Theo looked Bill in the eyes and begged for the assistance he rebuffed before. There was no one else who would - who could - help him. "I don't - I don't want to die."
Not if there was a future where Theo could be happy - truly, genuinely, happy.
Bill didn't hesitate, he didn't balk at the challenge. Bill reached out and placed his hand on Theo's shoulder to guide him inside his house.
"I can't tell you how proud I am right now," Bill said. He smiled and he looked like his brother and his mother and Theo needed that, even if he didn't think he deserved it. "Come on, Theo. We're going to get you through this."
Theo might swim through the waves, hopefully with the help of the one wizard who never enabled him, never stood by silently even when his words were cruel. Theo might swim through the waves and… and maybe he would find his own happy ending on the other side.
Theo didn't need to rise above the waves with a floating buoy, he only needed someone to teach him how to swim through them.