Chapter 2
Remus woke up to the sound of his own heartbeat setting off the bulky machine he was attached to.
The room smelled of disinfectant and gravy.
Maybe it was hell.
As his eyes begrudgingly adjusted to his surroundings he saw it might as well have been.
He was in a hospital ward.
He looked down at his feet. They stuck out of the thin blanket and they had been propped on top of the end of the cot that was too short for Remus's gangly frame.
"Bed 6 is awake!" He heard one of the nurses call out.
It hadn't worked.
Of course, it hadn't.
Remus couldn't even kill himself properly for fucks sake.
A plump middle-aged woman in a nurse's uniform approached his bed.
She had grey hairs streaking her black Bob and she looked surprisingly tall for a woman, but that could have been because he was lying down.
Remus squinted at her as she marched towards his bed.
She promptly clipped the chart off the end of his bed scanning it.
"What's going on." Remus croaked hoarsely realising how dry he sounded.
She looked at him with a mixture of disgust and annoyance as if she had better things to do. Before starting.
"You are at St Mungo's hospital. You were brought in the night before last for revival after a drug overdose. Traces of opium, heroin and Fentanyl were found in your system as well as intoxicating amounts of codeine.
You were resuscitated briefly upon admission and you started to choke on your vomit before blacking out again.
You have been put on an electrolyte-replenishing IV to treat your dehydration. And you were given multiple doses of Naloxone to combat the effects of the Fentanyl."
She looked up at Remus.
He could immediately see through her look. She thought he was some punk kid who tried to get high on a lethal mix of cheap street drugs.
He hadn't left a note maybe that's what everyone would think?
She looked like she was waiting for a response or maybe for Remus to ask something.
Instead, he blurted out.
"I'm not a junkie."
He wasn't sure why he felt the need to tell the poor overworked nurse he didn't take Fentanyl recreationally but he didn't like the image it painted of himself.
"Mmhm." She muttered not believing this. As if she had heard it a 100 times.
"I suppose there is another reason you took a lethal amount of Fentanyl so." She said rhetorically.
Remus felt his face burn.
This was so humiliating.
Not only had his attempt failed but now he had to explain himself.
"I wasn't taking them to get high." He paused.
He needn't have said anymore he sturdy nurse caught his eye.
"Mr. Lupin did you take these drugs with the intention of killing yourself?" Remus's eyes stung and he nodded his head.
The nurse looked almost human for a second. Her stony eyes filled with immistacable pity.
Then she returned as she was.
"Then this is a different situation all together. You must be seen by the resident phycologist. You are 16 so your guardian will be notified immediately as they must speak the psychologist too regarding treatment."
Fuck.
This was such a mess now they were going to drag Hope here and tell her that her only son who she raised on her own tried to kill himself just like dear old dad.
The next hour or so blurred with Remus drifting in and out a light sleep.
Eventually he was greeted by another bedside visitor.
It wasn't the same nurse as before. Instead it was a woman in her mid thirties who was dressed smartly not in the usual gowns nurses wore. Her mousy hair was slicked back and pinned and she wore a pair or square frames that rested on the bridge of her nose. Remus took the sight of her in too exhausted to do more than nod to acknowledge her presence.
"Hello, Remus." She said in a voice that was soft but simultaneously tight.
"I'm doctor Calaghan the resident psychologist here."
Remus suppressed the urge to roll his eyes. He held therapy in a low regard and considered it completely useless to sit on a couch and whine while some doctor scribbled notes.
"I'm sure you know why I'm here." She said to Remus talking as if he were slow in the head.
He scoffed "Yeah."
The woman's lips formed a tight line as if she was used to not being taken seriously.
"Good." She nodded.
She looked at the sheet pinned to her clipboard. "Right, well I'd like you to start by telling me what led you to doing this."
Remus pulled himself up in the bed feeling as if his body was heavier than ever. He shrugged at the doctor.
"Just couldn't really deal anymore." He said flatly.
"And by 'deal' you mean cope with life?"
"S'pose"
"Hmm"
She started to write on the sheet of paper and it made Remus feel terribly uncomfortable.
"What sort of emotions were you exspirencing in the lead up to this?" She queried, looking up from her notes.
Remus nawed at the skin of his upper lip.
"None, honestly. I just felt kinda... I don't know numb for so long and nothing was real so I thought fuck it."
He tried to sound casual and unbothered but he realised as he spoke that was a hard thing to do when explaining why you tried to kill yourself.
"Did you think this was a good idea at the time?" She frowned.
"Yeah I mean kinda, " He gestured at the room and bed he lay in " clearly I was wrong."
"Do you regret trying to kill yourself Remus?"
He sat thinking blankly. He could lie he supposed but that seemed more cognitively draining.
He looked at the Dr dead in her eyes.
"No."
This was true.
He regretted waking up but he couldn't bring himself to regret trying to die.
He just wished it had worked.
"Did you think of the things you'd miss before your attempt Remus, the things you enjoy?"
He stared off away from the Dr the room waved in his vision. Like he was looking at it through smoke.
The word enjoy struck him. Did he really enjoy anything?
He didn't mind reading but only because it kilt time and took him away from life.
He used to enjoy chocolates , but all food just tasted like mush now.
He liked coffee but only because without it things felt so unreal and ungrounded he felt like he'd drift away.
"I don't really enjoy anything, I haven't really for a while. I-I dont really feel like I've energy to or like I'meven able to anymore."
This felt like such an exposing statement. He never really spoke about his feelings to well anyone except maybe Richie.
The Dr nodded understanding.
"I'll be in contact with your guardian."
She stood up abruptly, and thanked Remus for his time as if he'd had
He sat staring at the bed opposite him.
The curtains were drawn.
He listened to the whir of their blood pressure machine. Before drifting back into his barely conscious sleep.
After an uncertain measure of time he woke up to the familiar voice of Hope Lupin coming from the nurses station just a few feet from his ward.
"What do you have him taking? How long has he been awake for? Why did I only get a call an hour ago to say he was up?"
Her voice was thin and coated in concern and desperation.
"M'am, we are very busy here, you were notified as soon as was possible." The nurse at the station responded tightly.
"That wasn't soon enough. My boy woke up without me there." She didn't sound mad at the nurse. Hope wasn't the type of person to feel intitled in this type of situation. It was more tearful if anything. The pain of guilt seared through Remus's body knowing how much this must have hurt her.
"M'am please calm down, your son is fine but on account of his mental state I cannot let you vist if you are distressed."
A chocked sob escaped Hopes throat, Remus could hear it from her.
She sniffed after a second or two.
"Yes, yes of course I-I'm sorry."
Her voice shook with the emotions she was holding back.
"Remus Lupin is in bed 6, in that room there." The nurse sounded more sympathetic now. "You may vist for a few minutes but the doctor will want to see you soon."
A trembling sigh of relief came from Hope.
"Thank you." She said weakly.
Remus listened as tge familiar beat of his mother's footsteps drew closer.
He pushed himself onto his elbows pulling his face into an unconvincing and desperately forced smile.
Hope was dressed in a loose orange floral top with voluminous sleeves. Her small waist was excentuated by a denim vest that was hand embroidered with marigold flowers, the very same as the ones she had stitched around the flares of her dark denim jeans.
Hope Lupin was a very petite woman, she was the opposite of Remus's academic father in every way. She was just over 5 feet tall with waves of honey blonde hair messily arranged around her slightly tanned face. She was somewhat of a hippie Remus had to admit. She didn't look anything like the other mums that would drop children off at school. She was younger,prettier and usually had some spolches of paint on her.
"Oh darling." She gasped in her faint Welsh accent. A jewellery cladded hand over her mouth.
"Mum, I'm fine really." Remus lied.
"I just-" He fell short unable to find the words to explain the situation. Unwilling to truly try for fear he'd hurt her more.
Her eyes were glassy and ready to spill.
Remus could see her strain trying not to cry.
"It's alright my sweet love." She said gently walking over to her bedside.
She stroked his hair the way she did when he was younger.
"You don't need to explain." She said looking down and not meeting his gaze.
Remus closed his mouth grateful for this.
She leaned towards him and clasped his hand in hers. She was warm. He could smell her musky floral perfume and it made him feel younger.
She met his eyes with hers and Remus nearly cried. He hadn't inherited many of hid mothers features.
His hair was more a blondish brown than her honey blonde. He was tall like his father had been, outgrowing his mother by the time he was 12. But his eyes, he had his mother's eyes.
Hers were far gentler though and as she looked at him softly with deep brown eyes rimmed with golden rings he felt like he wasn't in a hospital bed. But at home with both his parents looking up at his mother's soft features while Lyall Lupin read them a story.
"It's OK Remus, it will all be OK." She said in her gentle celtic accent, sounding as if she was assuring herself as well as him.
He squeezed her hand meekly in response and she sighed and let go.
Moving back towards the seat set up right beside his bed.
She looked down to the end of the bed where Remus's feet were propped up not fitting into the hospital frame and chuckled lightly.
"You're father used to have the same problem." She caught herself as soon as she said it.
Remus's heart sank knowing where her mind had gone.
He quickly made an attempt to clarify he knew what she was referring to.
Wriggling uncomfortably in the bed.
"Yeah danm beds too small." He smiled at her.
Relief washed over her face.
Suddenly she pulled her crocheted bag onto her lap and looked up at him brightly.
"I almost forgot, I brought you some things."
She pulled out a large box of cadburys chocolates and a bar of fruit and nut chocolate wrapped in a cardboard cover.
Remus smiled remembering how much he had loved chocolate but knowing he hadn't the energy to bother eating them right now.
"Thanks mum, I'll have them later." He said trying not to disappoint her.
She looked a little worried knowing that not so long ago her son would have scoffed both forms of chocolate within minutes.
"You look a little thin dear,are they feeding you OK?" She queried.
Remus had always been on the scrawny side, all limbs and lean muscle. He looked a little more sickly these past few months since he'd lost the will to take care of himself.
"Yeah the foods good here." He said trying to reassure her although he hadn't actually tried it.
"Thats good." She seemed satisfied at this answer.
Remus wondered how she could act so normal in this situation although he supposed his mother had always been good at ignoring the unpleasant things in life. That's probably why she never noticed the change in him.
"I bought you some books too." She smiled at him digging around her bag. And producing 4 hardback copies he'd never seen before.
"I thought you'd want something to keep you busy when you woke up so I had Devon puck these out in town for you. He thought you might like them."
Devon was a good bloke as far as step father's went. He kept Hope happy and stayed out of Remus's way, respecting that he had little interest in bonding with his "new dad". But he would occasionally pop into Remus's room and make small talk, or ask him about school and what books he was reading. Or invite Remus to come with him and his little half sister for icecreams.
Hope showed him a new Stephen King novel, Remus smiled knowing Devon probably remembered him saying he enjoyed Carrie. She also had three books Remus had never heard of before, "The exorcist", "Gravity's rainbow" and "The illustrated man"
"Dev said you liked scary stuff." She gestured at the exorcist and Salem lot.
"Thanks, that's really nice mum." Remus said gratefully.
Hope smiled genuinely at him.
"I'm glad you like them love."
The plump nurse from earlier strode briskly towards the bed.
"Mrs Lupin the Dr is ready to speak to you now." She said pointedly.
Hope hummed in acknowledgement and stood up before putting a hand on Remus bed.
"I'll be back soon sweetheart, then it shouldn't be long till you can come home." She said before leaving with the nurse.
Remus sat in the bed wondering what exactly that meant for him to go home.
He wasn't cured. He still felt the same as before, if not worse.
Was he meant to just go into school on Monday like he hadn't tried to off himself?
He sat thinking on this for a while wondering if he had the nerve to actually try it again although he couldn't stomach the embarrassment of another failed attempt.
After an hour or so Remus began to worry.
What was taking them so long?
As if in answer to his thoughts his mother reentered the ward.
Her eyes were red and blotchy it was clear she had been crying.
As she walked towards him his heart sank.
The smell of her perfume was drowned out by the stench of tobacco indicating that she'd chain smoked before returning. Not a good sign.
"Remus, dear." Her voice was trembling and weak. "I've - uh talked to your doctor. And they think- we think it would be best for you to spend sometime in a special hospital, that um helps people like you."
He was going to be sick.
He knew about places like that. Most of the time people never left. Incompetent people who couldn’t be trusted in society were locked up and lobotomised in those type of places.Remus woke up to the sound of his own heartbeat setting off the bulky machine he was attached to.
The room smelt of disinfectant and gravy.
Maybe it was hell.
As his eyes begrudgingly adjusted to his surroundings he saw it might as well have been.
He was in a hospital ward.
He looked down at his feet. They stuck out of the thin blanket and they had been propped on top of the end of the cot that was evidently too short for Remus's gangly frame.
"Bed 6 is awake!" He heard one of the nurses call out.
It hadn't worked.
Of course it hadn't.
Remus couldn't even kill himself properly for fucks sake.
A plump middle aged woman in a nurses uniform approached his bed.
She had gray hairs streaking her black Bob and she looked surprisingly tall for a woman, but that could have been because he was lying down.
Remus squinted at her as she marched towards his bed.
She promptly clipped the chart off the end of his bed scanning it.
"What's going on." Remus croaked hoarsely realising how dry he sounded.
She looked at him with a mixture of disgust and annoyance as if she had better things to do. Before starting.
"You are at St Mungo's hospital. You were brought in the night before last for revialval after a drug overdose. Traces of opium, heroine and Fenthanyl were found in your system as well as intoxicating amounts of codeine.
You were resuscitated briefly upon admission and you started to choke on your own vomit before blacking out again.
You have been put on an electrolyte replenishing iv to treat your dehydration. And you were given multiple doses of Naloxone to combat the effects of the Fenthanyl."
She looked up at Remus.
He could immediately see through her look. She thought he was some punk kid who tried to get high a lethal mix of cheap street drugs.
He hadn't left a note maybe that's what everyone would think?
She looked like she was waiting for a response or maybe for Remusto ask something.
Instead he blurted out.
"I'm not a junkie."
He wasn't sure why he felt the need to tell the poor overworked nurse he didn't take Fenthanyl recreationaly but he didn't like the image it painted of himself.
"Mmhm." She she muttered clearly not believing this. As if she had heard it a 100 times.
"I suppose there is another reason you took a lethal amount of Fenthanyl so." She said rhetorically.
Remus felt his face burn.
This was so humiliating.
Not only had his attempt failed but now he had to explain himself.
"I wasn't taking them to get high." He paused.
He needn't gave said anymore he sturdy nurse caught his eye.
"Mr. Lupin did you take these drugs with tge intention of killing yourself?"
Remus's eyes stung and he nodded his head.
The nurse looked almost human for a second. Her stony eyes filled with immistacable pity.
Then she returned as she was.
"Then this is a different situation all together. You must be seen by the resident phycologist. You are 16 so your guardian will be notified immediately as they must speak the psychologist too regarding treatment."
Fuck.
This was such a mess now they were going to drag Hope here and tell her that her only son who she raised on her own tried to kill himself just like dear old dad.
The next hour or so blurred with Remus drifting in and out a light sleep.
Eventually he was greeted by another bedside visitor.
It wasn't the same nurse as before. Instead it was a woman in her mid thirties who was dressed smartly not in the usual gowns nurses wore. Her mousy hair was slicked back and pinned and she wore a pair or square frames that rested on the bridge of her nose. Remus took the sight of her in too exhausted to do more than nod to acknowledge her presence.
"Hello, Remus." She said in a voice that was soft but simultaneously tight.
"I'm doctor Calaghan the resident psychologist here."
Remus suppressed the urge to roll his eyes. He held therapy in a low regard and considered it completely useless to sit on a couch and whine while some doctor scribbled notes.
"I'm sure you know why I'm here." She said to Remus talking as if he were slow in the head.
He scoffed "Yeah."
The woman's lips formed a tight line as if she was used to not being taken seriously.
"Good." She nodded.
She looked at the sheet pinned to her clipboard. "Right, well I'd like you to start by telling me what led you to doing this."
Remus pulled himself up in the bed feeling as if his body was heavier than ever. He shrugged at the doctor.
"Just couldn't really deal anymore." He said flatly.
"And by 'deal' you mean cope with life?"
"S'pose"
"Hmm"
She started to write on the sheet of paper and it made Remus feel terribly uncomfortable.
"What sort of emotions were you exspirencing in the lead up to this?" She queried, looking up from her notes.
Remus nawed at the skin of his upper lip.
"None, honestly. I just felt kinda... I don't know numb for so long and nothing was real so I thought fuck it."
He tried to sound casual and unbothered but he realised as he spoke that was a hard thing to do when explaining why you tried to kill yourself.
"Did you think this was a good idea at the time?" She frowned.
"Yeah I mean kinda, " He gestured at the room and bed he lay in " clearly I was wrong."
"Do you regret trying to kill yourself Remus?"
He sat thinking blankly. He could lie he supposed but that seemed more cognitively draining.
He looked at the Dr dead in her eyes.
"No."
This was true.
He regretted waking up but he couldn't bring himself to regret trying to die.
He just wished it had worked.
"Did you think of the things you'd miss before your attempt Remus, the things you enjoy?"
He stared off away from the Dr the room waved in his vision. Like he was looking at it through smoke.
The word enjoy struck him. Did he really enjoy anything?
He didn't mind reading but only because it kilt time and took him away from life.
He used to enjoy chocolates , but all food just tasted like mush now.
He liked coffee but only because without it things felt so unreal and ungrounded he felt like he'd drift away.
"I don't really enjoy anything, I haven't really for a while. I-I dont really feel like I've energy to or like I'meven able to anymore."
This felt like such an exposing statement. He never really spoke about his feelings to well anyone except maybe Richie.
The Dr nodded understanding.
"I'll be in contact with your guardian."
She stood up abruptly, and thanked Remus for his time as if he'd had
He sat staring at the bed opposite him.
The curtains were drawn.
He listened to the whir of their blood pressure machine. Before drifting back into his barely conscious sleep.
After an uncertain measure of time he woke up to the familiar voice of Hope Lupin coming from the nurses station just a few feet from his ward.
"What do you have him taking? How long has he been awake for? Why did I only get a call an hour ago to say he was up?"
Her voice was thin and coated in concern and desperation.
"M'am, we are very busy here, you were notified as soon as was possible." The nurse at the station responded tightly.
"That wasn't soon enough. My boy woke up without me there." She didn't sound mad at the nurse. Hope wasn't the type of person to feel intitled in this type of situation. It was more tearful if anything. The pain of guilt seared through Remus's body knowing how much this must have hurt her.
"M'am please calm down, your son is fine but on account of his mental state I cannot let you vist if you are distressed."
A chocked sob escaped Hopes throat, Remus could hear it from her.
She sniffed after a second or two.
"Yes, yes of course I-I'm sorry."
Her voice shook with the emotions she was holding back.
"Remus Lupin is in bed 6, in that room there." The nurse sounded more sympathetic now. "You may vist for a few minutes but the doctor will want to see you soon."
A trembling sigh of relief came from Hope.
"Thank you." She said weakly.
Remus listened as tge familiar beat of his mother's footsteps drew closer.
He pushed himself onto his elbows pulling his face into an unconvincing and desperately forced smile.
Hope was dressed in a loose orange floral top with voluminous sleeves. Her small waist was excentuated by a denim vest that was hand embroidered with marigold flowers, the very same as the ones she had stitched around the flares of her dark denim jeans.
Hope Lupin was a very petite woman, she was the opposite of Remus's academic father in every way. She was just over 5 feet tall with waves of honey blonde hair messily arranged around her slightly tanned face. She was somewhat of a hippie Remus had to admit. She didn't look anything like the other mums that would drop children off at school. She was younger,prettier and usually had some spolches of paint on her.
"Oh darling." She gasped in her faint Welsh accent. A jewellery cladded hand over her mouth.
"Mum, I'm fine really." Remus lied.
"I just-" He fell short unable to find the words to explain the situation. Unwilling to truly try for fear he'd hurt her more.
Her eyes were glassy and ready to spill.
Remus could see her strain trying not to cry.
"It's alright my sweet love." She said gently walking over to her bedside.
She stroked his hair the way she did when he was younger.
"You don't need to explain." She said looking down and not meeting his gaze.
Remus closed his mouth grateful for this.
She leaned towards him and clasped his hand in hers. She was warm. He could smell her musky floral perfume and it made him feel younger.
She met his eyes with hers and Remus nearly cried. He hadn't inherited many of hid mothers features.
His hair was more a blondish brown than her honey blonde. He was tall like his father had been, outgrowing his mother by the time he was 12. But his eyes, he had his mother's eyes.
Hers were far gentler though and as she looked at him softly with deep brown eyes rimmed with golden rings he felt like he wasn't in a hospital bed. But at home with both his parents looking up at his mother's soft features while Lyall Lupin read them a story.
"It's OK Remus, it will all be OK." She said in her gentle celtic accent, sounding as if she was assuring herself as well as him.
He squeezed her hand meekly in response and she sighed and let go.
Moving back towards the seat set up right beside his bed.
She looked down to the end of the bed where Remus's feet were propped up not fitting into the hospital frame and chuckled lightly.
"You're father used to have the same problem." She caught herself as soon as she said it.
Remus's heart sank knowing where her mind had gone.
He quickly made an attempt to clarify he knew what she was referring to.
Wriggling uncomfortably in the bed.
"Yeah danm beds too small." He smiled at her.
Relief washed over her face.
Suddenly she pulled her crocheted bag onto her lap and looked up at him brightly.
"I almost forgot, I brought you some things."
She pulled out a large box of cadburys chocolates and a bar of fruit and nut chocolate wrapped in a cardboard cover.
Remus smiled remembering how much he had loved chocolate but knowing he hadn't the energy to bother eating them right now.
"Thanks mum, I'll have them later." He said trying not to disappoint her.
She looked a little worried knowing that not so long ago her son would have scoffed both forms of chocolate within minutes.
"You look a little thin dear,are they feeding you OK?" She queried.
Remus had always been on the scrawny side, all limbs and lean muscle. He looked a little more sickly these past few months since he'd lost the will to take care of himself.
"Yeah the foods good here." He said trying to reassure her although he hadn't actually tried it.
"Thats good." She seemed satisfied at this answer.
Remus wondered how she could act so normal in this situation although he supposed his mother had always been good at ignoring the unpleasant things in life. That's probably why she never noticed the change in him.
"I bought you some books too." She smiled at him digging around her bag. And producing 4 hardback copies he'd never seen before.
"I thought you'd want something to keep you busy when you woke up so I had Devon puck these out in town for you. He thought you might like them."
Devon was a good bloke as far as step father's went. He kept Hope happy and stayed out of Remus's way, respecting that he had little interest in bonding with his "new dad". But he would occasionally pop into Remus's room and make small talk, or ask him about school and what books he was reading. Or invite Remus to come with him and his little half sister for icecreams.
Hope showed him a new Stephen King novel, Remus smiled knowing Devon probably remembered him saying he enjoyed Carrie. She also had three books Remus had never heard of before, "The exorcist", "Gravity's rainbow" and "The illustrated man"
"Dev said you liked scary stuff." She gestured at the exorcist and Salem lot.
"Thanks, that's really nice mum." Remus said gratefully.
Hope smiled genuinely at him.
"I'm glad you like them love."
The plump nurse from earlier strode briskly towards the bed.
"Mrs Lupin the Dr is ready to speak to you now." She said pointedly.
Hope hummed in acknowledgement and stood up before putting a hand on Remus bed.
"I'll be back soon sweetheart, then it shouldn't be long till you can come home." She said before leaving with the nurse.
Remus sat in the bed wondering what exactly that meant for him to go home.
He wasn't cured. He still felt the same as before, if not worse.
Was he meant to just go into school on Monday like he hadn't tried to off himself?
He sat thinking on this for a while wondering if he had the nerve to actually try it again although he couldn't stomach the embarrassment of another failed attempt.
After an hour or so Remus began to worry.
What was taking them so long?
As if in answer to his thoughts his mother reentered the ward.
Her eyes were red and blotchy it was clear she had been crying.
As she walked towards him his heart sank.
The smell of her perfume was drowned out by the stench of tobacco indicating that she'd chain smoked before returning. Not a good sign.
"Remus, dear." Her voice was trembling and weak. "I've - uh talked to your doctor. And they think- we think it would be best for you to spend sometime in a special hospital, that um helps people like you."
He was going to be sick.
He knew about places like that. Most of the time people never left. Incompetent people who couldn’t be trusted in society were locked up and lobotomised in those type of places.