Recognition.
The coffee hit his bare legs and he flinced, but oddly enough, a part of him didn’t mind. If he could feel the pain on his skin, it would numb the pain of hearing that voice again.
“Sirius!?” Remus called from inside the bedroom. “You okay?”
Sirius didn’t reply to him, instead he croaked, “Reg?” The old nickname rolled off his tongue easily.
“Hello, Sirius.”
“What… How… My number?”
“I see you haven’t learned how to speak properly in the last ten years.”
“Sirius!” Remus.
“How did you get my number?”
“I went to the Potters’.”
“Why did you get my number?”
Thumb. Thumb. Thumb.
Remus showed up in the doorway to Sirus’s bedroom, leaning against his cane. His left foot dragged over the floor. There was a question in his eyes but Sirius held up his hand. Wait.
The skin on his legs stung. Remus noticed and immediately humped over to the kitchen. Sirius saw as he got a can of water from the fridge and made his way over to Sirius without a word.
It took all the time Remus spent doing that, for Regulus to reply. “They died.”
Remus splashed Sirius’s legs with the cold water. Sirius hissed but it lessened the sting. He sent Remus a smile. Remus returned it and went to get more water.
“Be a little bit more specific, will you?” Sirius practically spat.
“Our parents, Sirius. Dad went a few weeks ago. His funeral has passed. Mum… left this morning.”
“And you think I care, why?”
“I know you talked to Evan.”
Remus returned with more water. He splashed it onto Sirius’s legs. Sirius felt pathetic. Remus left to get more.
“He ambushed me, more like.”
“I know that you know they were dying.”
“Yeah. Do not care.”
“I think you should come to Mum’s funeral.”
“I don’t want to.”
“Then come after.”
“Why?”
“I want… to see you.”
“Took you ten years to say that?”
“Listen, Sirius, I’m sorry, okay?”
“Ah, that covers it,” Sirius sarcastically said.
Remus looked at him with a question in his eyes as he now came from the kitchen again with more water.
“I want to talk to you.”
“Well, that sucks bec—”
“I miss you.”
Sirius shut his lips together, whole body tense. “I—I d-don’t miss you.”
“The funeral is on Wednesday. It ends at four p.m.. You know where it will be. I’ll wait there for half an hour after everyone has left.” With that, he hung up.
Sirius slowly removed the phone from his ear, staring straight ahead.
His brother.
His brother had called him.
Yet all he could say was, “It looks like I pissed myself.”
“Yeah,” Remus agreed. “Who was on the phone?”
Sirius shook his head. No now.
His legs didn’t sting any more.
“Okay,” Remus said easily. “How does your legs feel? Luckily, the cup didn’t break. I speak from experience when I saw glass cuts hurt as fuck. Porcelain can't be much different.” He was trying to lighten the mood. He didn’t know why Sirius was sad, but he was still trying to lighten the mood.
Sirius loved him.
He misses you.
I miss you.
“It's okay,” Sirius said and put the phone on its holster. “They feel okay. Remus, sit down on the couch. Your leg.”
Remus was resting his left side against the cane, completely dependent on it. “Nonsense,” he said, eyes on Sirius’s skin. “Bit red, doens’t look too bad, though. Does it really not hurt?”
“Really,” Sirius said. “Good for me, I have a boyfriend who can splash liquid onto me, yeah?”
Remus snorted. “Yeah. Couch now?”
“Yeah,” Sirius agreed and put his arm around Remus’s waist. He helped him over to the couch.
He misses you.
I miss you.
I.
Miss.
You.
When they were sat, Remus posed the question again, “Who was on the phone?”
Sirius wasn’t one to deny him an answer. “Regulus,” he said lowly.
Remus’s eyes opened wide. “Your brother?”
“My brother.”
I miss you.
Sirius no longer heard his mother’s voice in his head. Now he was haunted by his bother’s. When would it ever go quiet?
Remus took his hand and squeezed. “What did he say?”
“My parents are dead. Dead and gone. What a fucking shame, don’t you think?” he grinned manically.
Remus’s eyes flooded with concern. “Are you okay, love?”
Sirius snorted. “I don’t care about them.”
It was true.
“But you care about your brother. Do you want to see him?”
You know where it is. I’ll wait there for half an hour after everyone has left.
“No,” Sirius said. “I don’t want to.”
Remus looked confused. “But you miss him.”
“And? I don’t want to see him.”
“Who are you trying to convince right now, Sirius?”
“I don’t want to see him,” Sirius said, resolute.
I miss you.
“Sirius—”
“Just stop, Remus,” Sirius sighed and stood abruptly. “Please, just… let it go. I did.”
“But you didn’t,” Remus said, ever so stubborn. “You haven’t let go of him. I know it. You know it.”
Sirius tightened his jaw and looked down at his boyfriend where he sat on the couch. “I said to. Let. It. Go.” He closed his eyes, breathing heavily. “I’m gonna take a shower. You can just… stay there until I get back out.”
“Sirius—”
Sirius hurried into the bathroom without listening to what Remus had to say. He didn’t lock the door. He undressed and got under the cold spray. He didn’t even flinch. Unusual for him. It was an unusual day.
His legs were still red where the coffee had hit him. He found himself thinking about the toast he'd put in the toaster. It must’ve been cold by then.
He stood under the spray of water for a long time. He let it hit his back and hair. His head was tilted back, eyes closed. The water turned warm. Incredibly warm. He wanted it hotter. He turned up the temperature and soon the water felt boiling against his skin.
He didn’t hear when the door opened, but he did hear the small, “For fuck’s sake.”
He opened his eyes to see Remus there. Remus was fully dressed, his left hand was clutched around the cane, the other was supporting him against the wall. He had a frustrated look on his face, and Sirius could practically see his thoughs written out in the air.
This fucking leg.
Sirius’s heart clenched.
“Hi,” Remus said unsurely. “I’m not sure if you want me in here but you didn’t lock the door, and you took a while, so… here I am.”
Sirius squeezed his eyes shut, chin wobbling. “It’s okay.” He tried to hold back tears but it didn’t work.
“Oh, love,” Remus said and moved towards the shower as quickly as he now could.
“Moony, don’t tell me you’re about to get into the shower while dressed,” Sirius laughed through sobs.
“Well, undressing right now is kind of hard.”
“Let me help,” Sirius said. He stepped away from the water. He helped Remus undress slowly. He wasn’t wearing anything but pants and a T-shirt and before long, he was naked.
Sirius took his cane and put it to the side while his arm was securely around Remus’s waist. He led Remus under the spray and Remus clung to him. They clung to each other as they water splashed onto them.
“I’m sorry,” Sirius said over the beat of the water.
“For what?” Remus asked against Sirius’s skin.
“This day is a year ago since your accident and here I am making it all about me—and I—I snapped at you.”
“Love.” Remus leaned his head back to look Sirius in the eye. “Today didn’t affect me at all, really. I think we put too much meaning on dates. They’re just days. And I don’t blame you for snapping at me. I know this is hard for you. Really fucking hard, yeah? It’s okay. We’re okay.” He kissed Sirius’s temple, and fresh tears flooded Sirius’s eyes.
“He wants to see me.”
“Regulus?”
“Yes. I don’t want him to see me.”
“But do you want to see him?”
“Yes. I do. I crave it. I wanna punch him in the face as much as I wanna hug him.”
“Then why won’t you meet up with him?”
“Because he told my parents about me. It’s his fault, and I fear, that maybe he thinks I’m disgusting. Maybe he thinks I’m all those things my mother called me that night.”
“If he did that, why would he want to see you?” Remus asked.
“Because maybe he wants a chance to call me it to my face?” He made it sounds like a question. He wasn’t sure if he wanted the answer.
“You won’t know unless you go,” Remus softly said.
“If I go, will you go with me?”
“I’d go to the end of the world with you, Sirius.”
*
That night, once Remus had fallen asleep, Sirius sneaked out of his bed and into James’s room. James had been out all day and Sirius had barely had the change to talk to him.
Now, as he made his way into James’s room, James’s snores met his ears. Sirius wrinkled his nose. How in the world could Lily sleep next to that most nights?
“James,” he whispered into the dark room. Then louder when James didn’t react, “Prongs!”
James sat up with a start and looked around the room frantically.
“Idiot, you’re blind,” Sirius informed him and moved closer to James’s bed. “Looking around like that won’t result in anything.”
James huffed. “I’m not that blind. Why did you wake me? What time is it?”
“A bit after midnight,” Sirius informed him, and sat down next to James on the bed. Their combined weight made the bed dip and therefore gravitate towards each other. That was him and James; each other’s gravity point.
Regulus was his brother by blood, but James was his brother by choice.
Family is in the people who love and care for us.
Remus had told him that once when they were still getting to know each other. Sirius had known it even then, but a part of him had needed someone to voice that out loud. To make it real.
Remus made a lot of things real.
“Why in the world are you waking me up in the middle of the night?” James yawned and reached for his glasses on his bedside table. “I have work tomorrow.”
“It won’t be long,” Sirius promised. He wet his lips. “I got a phone call today.”
“Okay. Please elaborate.”
Sirius sighed heavily. “It was from my brother.”
Even in the darkness of the room, Sirius was able to make out the surprise on James’s face. “Oh.”
“Yeah. My dad died a few weeks ago. My mum went this morning. Well, yesterday morning, I suppose.”
“Are you okay?”
“Funnily, Remus asked me the exact same thing.” Sirius slumped against the wall. “I don’t care for them any more, James. They were dead to me months before they died; I was dead to them years before they died.”
James nodded slowly. “What about Regulus?”
“He wants me to go see him.”
“Are you gonna?”
“Yes. After my mum’s funeral.”
“Do you want me to come with?”
“Remus is coming with me to meet him.”
“Oh.”
“But I’d like for you to come with us to Bristol and wait for me at home.”
James’s teeth were white in the darkness when he smiled. “I can do that. One hundred percent. Can I bring Lily, too? Mum and Dad wants to meet her."
“Sure,” Sirius snorted. “Mum and Dad are gonna be meeting our partners at the same time.”
“Oh yeah.” James let out a snort. “I’m crazy about her. Are you crazy about Remus?”
“If I could, I’d marry him in a heartbeat,” Sirius admitted lowly. “Is that ever weird for you? Me being in love with a guy, I mean.”
James shook his head. “It feels like you.”
“Do you think Regulus thinks so too?”
“I never really spoke to Regulus, Sirius. I think you know the answer the best yourself.”
“I never spoke to him either—Not about this kind of things, at least.” He let out a breath. “I wonder if he got the tattoo, too.”
“Maybe he did,” James said lowly. “There’s something poetic about that.”
“I could ask Remus to write a poem about it,” Sirius mused. “Two brothers, separated by betrayal and family, yet they still carry their childhood promises in their skin. That’s not poetic. That’s fucking tragic.” He turned his head to fully face James. “I’m so sick of living a tragic life all the time, James. Just when I feel like I’m getting out of it, something like this happens, and a bit of me gets pulled back into what once was.”
“I know.” James looked solemn. “Life is tragic.”
“When has life ever been tragic to you?” Sirius asked.
“A handful of times. Not as many as you, or Remus, Lily, even, but there was that one time I saw my best friend, my brother, show up on my doorstep, with blood on his back, asking if he could stay.”
“My tragedy can’t be yours,” Sirius said. “Come up with something else.”
“Okay. Then that one time at St. Paul’s when you, me, and Wormtail were out of bounds and Filch ran after us with a broom, remember? He hit me in the head. On accident, but—”
“—You still fell to the ground. It was embarrassing, really, Prongs, and got us weeks of detention.”
“Yeah, well. That’s tragic, isn’t it?”
“I don’t think so. I just think it’s sad.”
“Well, maybe my life tragedy hasn’t hit me yet,” James mused.
“Or maybe you’re just one of those lucky bastards who gets to be happy always.”
“I’m not always happy.” James frowned. “Do you think I am?”
“Of course not but you’re still the happiest person I’ve ever encountered. You’re like the sun. You make the sky turn blue every day.”
“And Remus? The moon?” James smirked.
“The moon shines even though everything else seems so dark. The moon is something to chase.”
“Did you catch it?”
“I did.”
“Then maybe your life isn’t as tragic after all.”
“Maybe not. Maybe it’s just sadness fuelling on withered lies.”
“Maybe it could turn to happiness fuelling on blooming truths,” James suggested.
“It does, now,” Sirius whispered. “Ever since I met Remus, it’s like something has been growing inside me. A seed that needs him to grow. The seed has always been there, it just needed Remus.”
“Does it need Regulus to grow?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Does it want Regulus to see it grow?”
Sirius swallowed and wet his lips. “Yes. I think so.”
“Then I hope your meeting will go well, Padfoot.”