Stars.
You told me you wanted me; I believed it.
I prayed to a god for you to stay; for me to not be this way.
You told me you wanted me; I swallowed those words with greed.
For you to see me, was the outcome I feared to reach.
Dad, tell me, why did you leave?
If my lips sought out company in those like my own
Why did it matter—am I not your son?
I can't change; trust me, I tried.
Perhaps you never loved me; I should have realised.
How can one love a son who likes boys? Look at my mum, your wife, your life
Take notes, she loved me in the silence of your lies.
Dad, tell me, why did you leave?
You told me you wanted me—was that a promise?
Your silence is deafening—is that being dishonest?
Promises can be broken; I should've asked for an oath.
I do not miss you but the child in me does.
If I told you I loved you, what would it matter?
You aren’t here to hear my heart scatter.
Dad, tell me, why did you leave?
Remus looked at the poem with calculating eyes. He’d written it the morning after Regulus’s call to Sirius. All that talk about parents had got him thinking. He wasn’t sure whether he liked it or not. Though to be fair, Remus rarely ever liked anything he wrote. He was too much of a perfectionist.
He wondered for a brief moment if he should show it to Sirius, but then decided Fuck it and went into the living room.
They were in Remus’s flat. Tomorrow was the funeral, and Sirius was in the midst of sorting through Lily and Remus’s shared bookshelf—“It’s not in alphabetical order, Moony! Why isn’t it?”
Sirius was a peculiar guy, to say the least. Or perhaps he just wanted a distraction.
“Hi,” Remus said softly and sat down on the floor next to Sirius, notebook clutched to his chest. It was always nerve-wracking to share his art with Sirius.
“Hey,” Sirius said, eyes on a book in his hand. “B,” he muttered and placed it on the shelf. “Tell me, why do you have books filled with maps? What do you, of all, people need a map for?”
“Lily uses them for her students and I find them interesting to look in,” Remus said amusedly.
Sirius hummed and picked up a new book.
“I have something I wanna show you.”
Sirius’s eyes finally met Remus’s, grazing over the notebook. A smile formed on his lips. “Yeah?”
Remus nodded and flipped open the notebook to the right page. He handed it to Sirius, nervously nibbling with his bottom lip.
Sirius knit his eyebrows as he read over the lines. Sirius tended to read with his finger to the page, following each word as he registered it.
Remus waited with bated breath.
When he finished, Sirius looked up with big eyes. “You used to pray to a god?”
“Yeah.” Remus wet his lips. “Don’t know which one but I felt like I had to when I began to realise I wasn’t like everyone expected me to be.”
Sirius reached over and took his hand. “I love it. I think it’s really good. It has a lot of emotion in it.” He pursed his lips. “You don’t talk much about how your father leaving affected you.”
Remus let out a breath. “There’s not much to say. It hurt. A lot. For a long time. Sometimes it still does but not in the same way. It’s bittersweet now.”
Sirius nodded slowly and then brought Remus’s hand to his mouth. He kissed each knuckle and Remus smiled warmly at him.
“Read it to me,” Sirius asked.
“Huh?”
“The poem—your poem, read it out loud to me.”
Remus’s cheeks heated. “No way.”
Sirius grinned. “Yes way. C’mon. Poetry means nothing until it has sound.”
“That’s so not true. Poetry with sound is just called a song, posh boy.”
“Not true.”
“Er, basically.”
Sirius laughed. “Please?”
Remus sighed and grabbed the notebook. He scooted over the floor till his back rested against the wall. He spread his legs out and patted his thigh to signal for Sirius to join him.
Sirius eagerly did, laying down with his head in Remus’s lap. No pain. Remus smiled softly and played absent-mindedly with Sirius’s hair as he cleared his throat and began to read.
He read the new poem first—voice scratchy and stumbling a bit over the words. Then Sirius claimed he needed to hear another. And another. And another. And who was Remus to deny him?
He read a large handful of poems while Sirius had his eyes closed. Sirius smiled at the sound of Remus’s voice, and it made Remus feel more confident.
When his voice finally reached the point where he couldn’t any more, he put the notebook aside. Sirius opened his eyes and beamed at him. “My poet,” he said.
“Your poet,” Remus agreed.
Sirius sat up and moved to straddle Remus’s thighs. “I’m horny.”
Remus snorted loudly. “Way to announce it, love.”
“Well, I hate being classy,” Sirius smirked.
Remus smiled softly. “I know.” His hands settled on Sirius’s hips, his thumbs travelling under Sirius’s shirt to brush over the skin there. “Well, then what are you gonna do about it?”
Sirius tangled his fingers in Remus’s hair and leaned in so that his lips hovered over Remus’s ear. Remus inhaled sharply at the closeness. “I’m gonna get up,” Sirius murmured, “go to the bedroom and get naked. You’re gonna follow me and sit down to watch while I get myself ready for you.”
Remus’s mouth turned dry.
*
James and Lily made their way up the short flight of stairs to Sirius’s and his flat. The keys dangled from James’s left hand, and his right was intertwined with his girlfriend’s.
“Are you excited about your day off tomorrow to go to Bristol?” Lily asked. Lily would be coming with him despite it being a weekday. It was nearing his birthday, and they’d all agreed they would do a minor celebration that evening. Maybe Regulus would be there.
Lily had taken the day off for it.
“Yeah.” They stopped on their floor. Low music was playing from inside the flat; the sound faint. “If you look away from the fact that Sirius’s parents are dead and his brother wants to reunite.”
“Oh. Yeah.” A blush coated her cheeks.
“Evans, don’t tell me it slipped your mind,” James laughed.
“I’m just so nervous about meeting your parents,” Lily erupted. “What if they don’t like me? That would be awful and so—not good.”
James chuckled and cupped her face with his key-free hand. “They’ll love you almost as quickly as I did.”
“How quickly did you love me?”
“From the minute I spotted you leaving your building that first time,” James said and kissed her lips softly. “Now, let’s go get my toothbrush quickly, yeah? Then we can leave the boys to it.”
Lily nodded, blushing.
Inside the flat, the music grew louder.
James turned to the door and inserted the key. He twisted it and opened the dorm, and—
“Fucking hell, Moony!”
James stopped in his tracks. Lily bumped into him from behind.
“What’s wrong?” she muttered.
“C’mon, posh boy, you can take it.”
The sound of moaning and skin slapping against skin reached James’s ears, and he looked at Sirius’s bedroom door, horror written across his face.
“Oh,” Lily said. He could hear she was containing a laugh. “That’s what’s wrong. Don’t tell me you’ve never heard him have sex before, James. It's a small flat."
“No, I—I haven’t,” James let out.
“Really? Not even with a woman?”
“Guess he wasn’t loud with them,” James whispered, his body still completely still.
“Fuck, harder—I said harder!” Sirius’s voice sounded.
“Sirius’s a bottom?” James whispered, eyes opened wide. He turned to Lily. “I did not need that information!”
“Did you expect Remus to bottom? Remus?”
“It’s not something I’ve thought about!” he whisper-shouted.
Lily was red in the face from holding back laughter. “Go get your toothbrush, James!”
“But the bathroom is next to his room!”
“Brave the storm, you can do it.”
“I’m not brave enough. You do it for me.”
“Woman up, James.”
“Fucking gagging for it. Such a fucking slut for it.”
Sirius moaned loudly in response to Remus’s words.
James had had enough. He pushed Lily out the door quickly and closed it behind him. At last, Lily burst into a fit of giggles.
“You look like a ghost.”
“Why don’t you look like a ghost?” James whisper-shouted. “I basically just heard my brother getting railed. That’s not funny. That’s traumatising!”
Lily laughed and even then, her voice was a melody to James’s ears. “You’re something, James Potter.”
James wrinkled his nose. “Thank you.”
Lily snorted and took the key from his hand. She locked the door and then looked expectantly at him. “So, no toothbrush tonight?”
“Nope!”
Inside the flat, the sounds died down.
“Oh,” Lily said, “appears they climaxed.”
James covered his ears and ran dramatically down the stairs.
*
“High-five,” Sirius breathed. He was sweaty. “That one deserves a high-five.”
Remus chuckled shakily and lifted his hand. Sirius brought their palms together.
“My legs are shaking,” Sirius said, chest rising and falling rapidly. “You made my legs shake, Moony.”
“I have that effect on people. Even myself.”
Sirius snorted but still said, “Not funny.”
“I’m very funny.”
“That you are.”
Remus beamed at him. Sirius could get lost in his eyes. They were lying side by side on the bed, the duvet twisted around their bodies. It wasn’t even that late—they hadn’t even eaten yet—but Sirius could’ve fallen asleep right then and there.
“Did you also hear something?” Remus asked.
“Huh?”
“When I fucked you onto cloud nine,” Remus clarified. “Did you hear something—like a door opening?”
“You could probably just hear Miss Peterson, who lives above us. Thin walls and ceilings.”
“Poor Miss Peterson.”
“Nah, something has to get her going.”
Remus broke into a fit of giggles and curled himself around Sirius’s body. “You’re awful.”
“That I am. I think you should punish me.”
“Sirius, I can’t get it up again already after that round we just had.”
Sirius laughed and buried his face in Remus’s hair. “Alright then, old man.”
“You’re older than me.”
“But my cock works better than yours.”
“Say that again and I’ll castrate you.”
“Nah, you wouldn’t.”
“Don’t test me.”
“Alright, Moony.”
Remus traced a pattern over Sirius’s TOUJOURS PUR tattoo. “Are you very nervous about tomorrow?”
“So fucking much,” Sirius breathed honestly. “But also excited. I really wanna punch him in the face.”
“Do you?”
“I don’t know.”
Remus kissed the spot above his heart. “I’ll be exactly where you need to be, whether that is beside you or on the sidelines.”
Sirius smiled softly. “Thank you.”
“No problem, my love.”
Sirius’s breath hitched. “That’s a new one.”
“Well, you are my love, aren’t you?”
Sirius kissed him.
*
The following morning, the four of them—Sirius, Remus, Lily, and James—met down on the pavement by the record shop the following morning to get a cap that would take them to the train station. Lily was grinning broadly as their two duos met, whereas James looked anywhere but at Remus and Sirius.
“Prongs, you okay?” Sirius asked, head cocked to the side.
“Huh? Oh, yeah, I’m fine. Why wouldn’t I be?”
Lily snorted lowly. “James just had a bad dream, the poor lamb.” She sent him an overexaggerated glare that perhaps would’ve looked concerned on anyone but Lily Evans. It was the gleam in her eyes that gave her away.
Remus pursed his lips. He had clearly caught on as well. “What aren’t you telling us?”
James looked like he was about to explode; his face turning deeply red.
“Yeah,” Sirius agreed. “You’re hiding something.”
“You were so loud!” James burst out. “How were you so loud, Sirius?”
Sirius blinked. “What?”
Lily broke down laughing, resting her hands on her knees. “Oh, God,” she gasped between laughter. “This—is—amazing.”
“What do you mean?” Remus looked between James and Lily, clearly just as confused as Sirius. “Sirius is a loud person.”
“Yeah, I learned that!” James looked rather traumatised. It would’ve been comical if Sirius hadn’t been so confused.
“Prongs, you’re yabbing.”
“I heard you getting fucked into next Tuesday yesterday!”
Lily had to support herself against the wall next to them.
“Oh,” Remus and Sirius said in unison, their gazes instantly turning to each other.
“That—”
“—The sound?”
“Maybe not Miss Peterson?”
“Don’t think so.”
Remus snorted, and then Sirius followed suit. Soon, they were bent over (just like Sirius was the night prior) laughing.
James looked helplessly at his three friends. “This is not funny.”
Sirius tried to catch his breath but it seemed impossible. He swung an arm over James’s shoulder and said between laughs: “If you—were—getting fucked—by a cock—as big as—Moony’s—then you’d be loud—too.”
James let out an anguished sound, and Sirius patted him on the top of the head.
*
On the train ride to Bristol, things turned normal again, which also meant Sirius’s creeping thoughts returned.
He was going to see his brother. He still wasn’t sure how that meeting would go.
“Hey, you okay?”
Sirius whipped his head to Remus who sat next to him, a book open before him. “Yeah, yeah, I’m okay.”
“It’s gonna be fine, Padfoot,” James said from where he was seated on the other side of their small booth. Lily was knitting, a hobby she’d picked up recently.
“Maybe.” Sirius fidgeted with his rings.
Remus took his hand and held it under the table. “It will be okay,” he softly said.
Sirius hummed and averted his eyes to the landscape flying past outside.
*
They reached Bristol at half past two p.m.. Monty picked them up at the train station, and James and Sirius introduced their partners. Both Lily and Remus shook his hand. Remus had taken out his cane now—his leg was acting up but in a “tolerable way” as he called it. Remus was charming in that way of his; Lily was witty and cocky.
Monty instantly loved them both.
Sirius was silent on the drive back home to the Potters’. He was in the backseat. Lily was squeezed between him and Remus, It was the others who carried the conversation. They didn’t pressure Sirius to join. They all seemed to know his mind was somewhere else.
When Monty parked the car and they stepped out, Remus was instantly there, his hand in Sirius’s.
“You’ve got this,” he mumbled and kissed Sirius’s temple.
Inside the house, Effie greeted them all with hugs and kisses on their cheeks. She fussed over Lily and Remus, offering them tea and biscuits.
“Can I also get a biscuit, Mum?”
“No, James, these are for Lily and Remus. Go eat a banana or something.”
While James looked wounded, the rest of them laughed at his despair.
When the clock struck thirty-past-three, it was time for Remus and Sirius to leave. He was wished good luck by Lily, Monty pulled him in for a hug, Effie crushed his ribs with how hard she held him, and James was being a dramatic arse that wrapped himself around Sirius’s leg.
Sirius sighed very deeply while smiling very broadly.
At last, he and Remus were in Monty’s car. Sirius was behind the wheel; knuckles turned white where he clutched it. Remus placed his hand on Sirius’s thigh.
“I’ll be right where you need me,” he said.
“Can you… stay in the car while I talk to him?” Sirius breathed. “I’ll come to you once we finish.”
“Of course,” Remus said. “Whatever you need.”
“Thank you.”
Sirius started the car and got them onto the road. It wasn’t a long drive to the church. It was where the whole Black family resided once they were put to rest. There were only a few exceptions—his Uncle Alphard was one of them. He and the rest of the family had fallen out over the years.
By the time he killed himself, he had no contact with any of them. Sirius had been surprised that everything Alphard owned had gone to him.
Sirius parked the car outside the church, took a deep breath, kissed Remus, and stepped out.
It was a warm day. The sun kissed his skin and he let out a warm exhalation as he began the walk from the parking lot to the graveyard.
He found Regulus exactly where he’d expected to find him.
Sirius stopped a bit away from his brother to regard him.
Regulus had changed—Sirius ought to have expected that. Regulus was a man now. He was still slim built but he was taller now. His hair was shorter than Sirius’s but still curled around his ears. He was dressed in a black suit as he regarded their parents’ graves.
Sirius didn’t think Regulus had noticed him at first, but then he said, “You came,” and that illusion was broken. He looked at Sirius. His face was serious and even from this distance, Sirius could see the sadness in his eyes.
Sirius stuffed his hands in his pockets. He was wearing his leather jacket and jeans. He didn’t want to dress up for his mother's funeral. He slowly stepped up to Regulus. “Well, you called, didn’t you?” He stopped a few metres away from Regulus. He was still taller but not by a lot.
Regulus wrinkled his nose and turned his body to face Sirius instead of their parents’ graves. Sirius refused to look at them.
"I did,” Regulus said.
Sirius cocked his head. He felt oddly numb. “You’ve grown up.”
“I had to, didn’t I?”
“Yeah. You did.”
“Your hair is still long.”
“You still look like a walking dead corpse—Do you never see the sun?”
“Try and look at yourself.”
Sirius snorted and when he blinked, his eyes were wet. He looked away quickly as he composed himself. At last, he exhaled and turned back to Regulus. “Why did you call?”
“Your parents are dead.”
“My parents are not dead. They’re waiting for me at home.”
“Oh.” Something like hurt, or perhaps surprise, flickered across Regulus’s face. “Fleamont and Euphemia.”
“Those are the ones, yes.”
“They were kind when I came to them to ask for your number. I figured you and James were still attached by the hip after all these years.”
“We are. We live together in London.”
“Oh.” Surprise was definitely evident on his face. “Are the two of you—?”
“Christ, no,” Sirius said. “Just because I’m gay doesn’t mean I can’t have male friends.”
Regulus looked down. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have—Well. Yes.”
A few moments passed in stilted silence.
“I don’t know whether to punch you or break down crying,” Sirius admitted.
“‘Men don’t cry,’” Regulus quoted their mother.
“Yeah, well, men don’t like it up the arse either, according to her—she was wrong about a lot of things.”
Regulus wrinkled his nose in distaste. “Thank you for that image.”
“You’re welcome.” He patted his pocket for his pack of cigarettes and a lighter. He quickly got out a cigarette, put it between his lips, and lit it up. Regulus’s eyes trailed the motion. “Want one?”
“No.” He shook his head. “I don’t smoke.”
“Good for you.” Sirius didn’t intend for it to sound snarky, but alas, it did. Regulus didn’t seem to mind. He’d got tougher over the years.
Perhaps he really had grown up.
Both of them had.
“I want to say I’m sorry,” Regulus rushed after a few beats of silence.
“For what?” Sirius said even though he knew.
“I’m sorry that I told Mum and Dad,” Regulus clarified. “Back then, I mean.”
“Ah. Well, that solves it, doesn’t it?”
“Sirius, I’m trying here. I want to explain myself. It’s not an excuse but I feel like I at least owe you an explanation.”
“Please, do tell.”
“I loved you when I was a kid,” Regulus spoke hurriedly. “I fucking worshipped you, Sirius. You were everything to me. You were cool, smart, and popular, and whenever you pissed off our parents I always thought you were really brave. I wanted you to myself all the time. Then you met James and I didn’t get to do that a lot any more, but you never brought James home. Home was Regulus and Sirius time. I was a petty kid, okay? I’ve grown out of it.”
“Get to the point, please.” Sirius’s skin crawled.
“Then there was that boy. The boy you brought home.” Regulus’s eyes were filled with regret. “First, I was mad that we didn’t walk home together. Then I saw that you, in fact, brought this boy home. And I thought that that was unacceptable. This was our place, so when I saw you two kiss—” Regulus looked away abruptly, blinking. “I thought if I told Mum and Dad, they would ban him from ever coming home again, but I didn’t think they would do... do that to you. They’d never done stuff like that before.”
Sirius laughed loudly. “Really, Regulus? You still think that to this day?”
Regulus furrowed his eyebrows. “What do you mean?”
“What I mean is, I always acted up, so you’d never get to feel their anger on you. I protected you and the minute you got a chance to protect me, you threw it out of the window.”
“I’m sorry, okay?” Regulus whispered, and oh boy, he was crying. Sirius was crying, too, he realised. “Please—let me continue, okay?”
Sirius nodded, swallowing. “Okay.” He took a drag of his cigarette.
“When I saw what they did to you, I was in shock. I was scared. I loved them, Mum and Dad, in a way you never did. But from that day on, I hated them. A part of me hated you for leaving, but as I got older, I started to realise you weren’t allowed to ever return.
“Then, the year I was sent to St. Paul’s, Mum and Dad made me swear not to make any contact with you. It was the only reason I was allowed to go. And you seemed happy without me. You, James, and that boy, Peter, were always doing all those shitty things you did. You were always laughing.”
Sirius snorted. “I hadn’t even thought about you being witness to all that.”
“Well, I saw.” He shrugged. “I figured you truly were happy without me, so I never… I never contacted you. I figured you hated me, too.”
“I did, sometimes. Still do,” Sirius admitted. “Miss you more, though.”
Regulus let out a choked-up sound. “I missed you every day, Sirius, and I’m so, so sorry.”
Sirius squeezed his eyes shut. “I’m not saying I forgive you, because what you did, caused me a lot of fucking hurt and time spent beating myself up over something I can’t control. I’m happy now, though. I’m really, really happy, and I think I’d like to have you back in my life. Only you. Not the rest of our family.”
“I don’t talk to the rest of our family,” Regulus said. “In the end, it was on Mum and Dad, and that was only when I needed to. Today was the last time I saw all of them. They just don’t know it.”
The corner of Sirius’s mouth quirked up. “Oh, yeah? I hope that doesn’t apply to Andy.”
“You’re in contact with Andy?” Regulus asked, surprised.
“Damn right.” Sirius nodded. “She has a daughter. Dora. Calls my boyfriend Zombie.”
“Wait—Boyfriend?”
Sirius raised an eyebrow. “A problem?”
“No!” Regulus said. “Just surprised. I can’t fathom how anyone can stand your company.”
“Weren’t you just the one who practically said the sun shines out of my arse minutes ago?”
“Well… yes. Who cares anyway.”
Sirius chuckled and finished his cigarette. “I got the tattoo, you know.” He tapped his upper arm. “I never let go of you, Reggie.”
Regulus, whose eyes had just got dry, teared up again. He tapped his own arm. “So did I.”
Sirius smiled. “Stars are far apart, Reg, but I’ve always shared my sky with you.”
“Our sky, tosser. You don’t own it.”
Sirius just smiled. “Anyway, let’s talk about you, brother. I haven’t spoken to you in ten years. What happens in your life? What do you work as? Where do you live? Do you have a girlfriend, a wife?”
"I don't do much." Fulfilling answer. “I’m a surgeon.” Damn. “I live in Doncaster. I do neither have a girl nor a wife. I don’t like girls.”
“No way,” Sirius gaped. “You’re gay, too?”
“Nah, I don’t like anyone, really,” Regulus said, shrugging. “I’m not interested in people that way. Romantically or sexually. I’ll never be with anyone because that’s how I like it.”
“Alright,” Sirius said with a smile. “So, you’ll never have kids?”
“Nah.” He shook his head. “You?”
“I can’t.”
He wasn't sure if he wanted to even if he could.
“Guess the name dies with us, then.” Regulus cast a look at their parents’ graves. “They would be so disappointed in us.”
“Yeah. Sad. Anyway.”
Regulus laughed and Sirius joined him.
“I have to go soon,” Sirius said. “I gotta get back to the Potters’.”
Regulus nodded. “Okay.”
“Do you wanna come with me?”
“Nah, not this time.”
“Alright." Sirius could accept that. "Don’t be a stranger, okay?”
The corner of Regulus’s mouth quirked up. “The same goes for you.”
When Sirius turned to walk away, it was with a light heart. Things weren’t perfect but they were better. When Regulus shouted his name, he turned. “Yes?” he called.
“That boyfriend of yours, what’s his name?”
Sirius’s face split in two.
“Remus Lupin!”