Small Moments.
Lily woke up to James’s arm draped over her stomach. She squinted her eyes against the sun which shone in through the window. James was snoring lightly beside her; small puffs of air in and out. He’d passed out with his clothes on.
A tight knot formed in her stomach. The need to get answers had been crippling along her skin constantly the day prior, and now she didn’t seem capable of waiting any longer.
“James,” she whispered and shook her boyfriend’s shoulder lightly. “James, wake up.”
James’s eyes fluttered open, and he let out a low groan. “My head.”
Lily chuckled and bowed down to kiss his forehead. “Continue sleeping. I’ll head out with Remus for a bit, okay?”
“Already?” James’s head perked up a bit and he winced.
“Yes,” Lily murmured, stroking his hair. “I gotta—help him with something.”
“‘Kay,” James muttered. His eyes closed, and fresh snores fell from his lips.
Lily chuckled and made her way out of the bed. She got dressed in fresh clothes and then padded into the living room. Mary was sleeping on the couch; Peter on a mattress on the floor next to her. Marlene and Dorcas had fallen asleep directly on the floor.
Lily went over to Sirius’s door and opened it lightly.
It was dark in the room. Sirius and Remus had at least got around to pulling the blinds down. She could vaguely make out their shapes on the bed. Remus’s body was spooning Sirius’s.
She felt like an intruder.
“Rem,” she whispered into the room. “Remus. Remus!"
Surprisingly, Remus stirred and sat up. He looked around the room confusedly until his gaze landed on Lily. “Lils?” he said, rubbing his eye. “What—?”
“Can we go do that thing now?” Lily asked. “I—I don’t think I can wait much longer, Rem.”
Remus nodded quickly, then winced. “Shit, hungover. Yes, of course we can. Let me just get dressed and take some painkillers.” He tried to move out of the bed, the duvet sliding down his body, but immediately stopped. “Um, can you perhaps give me the nerve and scar tissue cream in Sirius’s drawer?”
Lily quickly entered the room fully and moved on tiptoes over to Sirius’s drawer. She pulled it open and let her fingers move through its contents in the dark.
Behind her back, Sirius slowly woke up.
“What time is it, Moony?” he mumbled groggily.
“Early,” Remus replied softly. “Lily and I are going out for a bit, okay? You just go back to sleep.”
“I don’t want you to leave,” Sirius groaned. “You’re so bloody warm you fucking giant.”
Remus chuckled and Lily smiled as she finally located the two creams. She turned and held them up. “Found them.”
*
The clock had just struck eight as they left Sirius’s and James’s building. The cold bit at their skin and Lily pulled her coat tighter around her.
“So, Sirius is clingy,” she said to start a conversation, and perhaps, mostly, to pull her mind away from what might be happening inside her. She still didn’t know how to feel about it.
Remus chuckled. He was walking with long, languid strides. Lily had never thought she’d be able to see him do that again. “Yeah, he is. It’s adorable.”
“Does he snore?” Lily asked. “James snores. I hate when people snore, usually, but not when it’s him. I sorta just find it endearing.”
“Sirius doesn’t snore,” Remus said. “I think I’m the one who snores if anything, but he makes these small huffs every now and then when he’s in really deep sleep.”
“You sound so whipped,” Lily tsked with a smile. “What, you stalk him when he sleeps?”
“Well, he has called me stalker on a few occasions, might as well live up to it.”
They were nearing the grocery store where they usually shopped for dinner. Lily was afraid she might throw up—That was a pregnancy thing, right? God, Lily really had no clue about these sorts of things.
“Hey.” Remus grasped her hand. “It’s gonna be alright, no matter what, okay? As I said, you have options either way.”
“Yeah, yeah, I know,” Lily whispered just as they stopped outside of the grocery store. “It doesn’t have to be a big deal.”
“Oh, it most certainly is a big deal,” Remus said. “But it doesn’t have to be a world-destroying one. C’mon, let’s go buy a bunch of pee sticks.”
A startled laugh escaped Lily’s lips.
*
Remus was sitting on the couch, his good leg bouncing up and down as he waited. He fidgeted with his fingers; for the first time in his life he wished he wore rings so that he could twirl them in moments like these. Sirius did that whenever he was anxious.
Lily had been in the bathroom for some time now, and Remus wasn’t sure whether that was a good or a bad thing. Just then, he heard a small sound coming from the bathroom, and he instantly stood. He made his way over to the door and knocked softly.
“Lils?” he called. “You okay?”
There was that sound again but no reply.
“Lily?”
Still no reply.
“Lily, I need to know if you’re okay, please.”
The sound was there again, closer this time. Remus realised it was sniffing. The lock clicked and Lily opened the door from the inside. Her eyes were red-rimmed.
“Is it—?”
“It’s negative,” Lily said, looking down. “All three of them.”
“And is that a bad thing?” Remus asked lowly, placing his hands on Lily’s shoulders comfortingly.
Lily shrugged. “I guess a part of me wanted them not to be?” Fresh tears streamed down her cheeks. “Which is so—so silly, ‘cause, you know, I’m not in a position to have a kid right now. Me and James barely know each other, right? And—I’m so busy with work, and I live with you! I don’t want a baby to r-ruin that.”
“Lils,” Remus said softly and cupped her chin. “It’s okay to be sad about.”
“I feel so dumb crying about it,” Lily said and wiped her eyes. “There was never a baby to lose.”
“No,” Remus agreed. “But there was a tiny hope.”
“Do you—do you think James wants kids?” Lily asked.
“I think that’s something you’ve got to ask him about,” Remus said. “But I wouldn’t be surprised if the answer was yes.”
Lily wrinkled her nose and sniffed once more. “I hope so, ‘cause I want that with him one day.”
*
It was a sunny but chilly day two weeks into January. Remus and Sirius had met up with Dorcas and Marlene to wander around Campden Market. Dorcas had been talking about getting some new jewellery for weeks, and Sirius just wanted to see it.
“I love London,” he had told Remus, “but I’ve never been to spots like this. St. Paul’s were very strict on where and when we were allowed outside of the school.”
They took the metro there because none of them had cars. Even if they had, Remus was unsure if he would be able to get into a moving vehicle.
He’d told Sirius about how he sat in his mother’s car after he’d been on his run. They’d been in Remus’s room, Sirius practically lying on top of him. Whenever Sirius was really focusing on someone’s words, his brows knit together and his bottom lip jutted out slightly.
“One step at a time,” Sirius had whispered softly as Remus told him about his doctor’s words. “I like that. Strong message and all that shit. You should write a poem about it.”
Remus laughed then and kissed him.
“I fucking hate January,” Marlene declared as they neared the market. She held a cigarette between his fingers as she walked.
“We know, Marls, we know,” Dorcas chuckled and bumped her shoulders against her girlfriend’s.
They couldn’t hold hands out here. None of them could, not without people looking at them in disgust.
“I just want summer,” Marlene groaned. “It’s so depressing that the year begins and ends in winter, isn’t it?”
“I agree,” Sirius said. “Winter fucking sucks.”
“Sirius Black, a man after my taste.”
“Marls, you’re lesbian,” Dorcas said matter-of-factly.
“What gave it away? Last night when I was between—”
“Oh, we’re here!” Dorcas said loudly with a laugh in her voice. “There’s an amazing booth in there that makes all kinds of beautiful jewellery. Sirius, I bet they have some piercings for your ear. Wanna come take a look?”
“Sure,” Sirius said happily.
“I’ll go and see if they got some new books in Frankie’s booth. I’ll see you after, yeah?” Remus said.
“Okay, Moons,” Sirius smiled. “Find us quickly after, okay?”
“God,” Marlene said, “the two of you are so gay.”
Sirius winked. “Damn right, we are.”
An elderly woman passed them and sent him a disgusted look while doing the cross sign. Remus rolled his eyes.
“Ignore it,” Dorcas said. “Anyway, Marls, are you coming with us or will you go look at books with Remus?”
“I think I’ll go with Remus for a bit if that’s okay,” Marlene said. “I wanna see if Frankie has a copy of Little Women.”
“You already have Little Women,” Dorcas pointed out with a knowing grin.
“But I need one to annotate, duh,” Marlene laughed. “See you later, yeah?”
So, she and Remus moved in between people and booths, looking for the one owned by Frankie Smith—an elderly gentleman who Remus many times throughout the years had gone to buy books from. Even in his teens, Frankie’s booth had been a constant, always having new book titles ready to be bought.
“Do you ever think it’ll ever be easier?” Marlene asked as they walked.
“What will?” Remus asked.
“Being queer,” Marlene clarified. “In this world we live in.”
Remus pursed his lips as he thought. “It gets better day by day, doesn’t it? I mean, we have rights now. We get more and more with time. One day, I think we will live in a world where people celebrate us fully instead of hiding us away.”
“We can’t even marry,” Marlene said. “I have been with Dorcas for such a long time now. There’s nothing I would love more than to officially declare her my wife, but I can’t. And I would love to have kids but I can’t because of this fucked up world. Yes, it’s better, but it's not good enough."
Remus sent her a sad smile. “I know. I hate it too.”
They reached Frankie’s booth then, and the old man lit up at the sight of them. “Remus, hello! And—Marlene, isn’t it?”
“Yes, it is, sir,” Marlene said, voice chipper now. She always had a way of going from any mood to a new one within seconds. “You don’t happen to have a copy of Little Women, do you?”
*
“I want new tattoos,” Sirius declared as he and Remus lay on his bed, sharing a spliff that Mary had got them.
“Are you saying that because you’re high or because you actually want to?” Remus asked amusedly and took a drag of the joint before passing it to Sirius.
“I’ve actually thought about it for a while,” Sirius mused. “I want some on my fingers—Did you just whimper?”
“Don’t blame me!” Remus cackled. “You with finger tattoos would be hot as fuck.”
Sirius hummed around the spliff. “I’m already hot as fuck.”
“Of course you are.” Remus scooted closer to Sirius, and Sirius could instantly feel his whole body preparing in anticipation for the kiss that was sure to come.
Remus didn’t kiss him. Instead, he snatched the spliff and took a drag right in front of Sirius. His cheeks hollowed and his eyelids fluttered. Sirius was mesmerised.
“You’re really pretty,” he blurted.
Remus snorted. “Thanks.”
“I mean it.” Sirius reached up to cup Remus’s cheek. “You’re so, so pretty.”
Remus wrinkled his nose as a blush coated his skin. “So are you.”
“No shit, I’m the pretty like a fucking star—”
“So full of yourself.”
“—but you, you’re pretty like the moon. There's only one moon in my sky, but there are countless stars.”
Remus’s breath hitched, and he finally gave Sirius that kiss he had been craving.
*
Sirius, by the end of January, had his birth year spelt out over his fingers on his left hand with the exception of his thumb which was still bare. His right hand was also bare, but perhaps he would change it one day. It had been Lucy who made the tattoo. She was probably Sirius’s favourite co-worker at Ink Deep. Dry and sarcastic, not afraid to tell him when he had to shut up.
Now, February was upon them already. It was weird how quickly time moved in the company of Remus. It seemed to slip between his fingers like water. Most days were blissfully good, but not every day was easy for Sirius and Remus.
Sirius could still sometimes hear the whispers of his mother’s words in his mind. Sometimes when the cool flat air hit his back, he could’ve sworn he was grazed by a belt. But it wasn’t near as often as it once had been.
Remus still had his nightmares of the car crash, sometimes. But it happened less often, now. More than often, he went out to run. Not for long amounts of time; mostly just to prove to himself that he could do it.
On the first Tuesday in February, Sirius arrived home from work, back sore after having been working on a tattoo for almost seven hours straight. James wouldn’t be home from work for hours to come, so Sirius was surprised to smell cooking once he stepped inside the flat. Only seconds later, his gaze landed on the tall figure that was in his kitchen.
“Moony?” he asked, a smile creeping into his voice.
Remus turned around from the stove, a beam spreading on his face. “There you are! Just in time for dinner.”
“I—How did you get in here?” Sirius asked, slowly making his way over to Remus.
“James gave me his key this morning,” Remus said sheepishly.
“I—Why?” Sirius stopped in front of Remus, chin tilted up to look him in the face.
“Because you said today would be a long and exhausting day at work, so I wanted to take care of you,” Remus said. He reached up to cup Sirius’s neck. “I bet your back is tense and that you’re tired.”
Sirius let out a low groan and slumped against Remus’s body. Remus’s arms instantly went around him.
“I love you, have I ever told you that?” Sirius whispered.
“Yeah, you have,” Remus mumbled and kissed the top of Sirius’s head. “I love you too.”
“You’re amazing.”
“So are you.” Remus’s hands reached under Sirius’s shirt and began to run soothing motions over Sirius’s skin. Sirius melted.