The Phone Call.
It wasn’t awkward to be near Sirius in any way Remus would’ve expected after their conversation. It was easy, though, as promised, he didn’t bring up the conversation. It was under the rug, and it was going to stay there for however long Sirius would need it to. If they ended up only being together in hell, then Remus was sure could make it a heaven. Their heaven.
That week following the admission, they continued to have their smoke breaks on the days they were both at work. They would talk and everything would be as it had always been. Sirius would ask him a question one day to start the conversation; the next time, Remus would do the same.
Remus had also become a much faster mover, now. Since he got the cream from Andy’s shop to apply, his pains were gone for hours at a time. He didn’t use the cream all the time—he had got them at a good price due to the discount from Andy, but next time he would make sure to pay full price, which was far from cheap, so he would like to save it for as long as he could. He applied on the days when he would be moving a lot, work days especially, but days lazing in the flat, he relied on his cane. Or, if the rare day came when the feeling in his thigh was almost gone, he would simply stay in bed or move around on his crutches. The cream couldn't work on pain that wasn't even present. Monday had been a day like that. He was supposed to go to work but had to call Hank and say he couldn’t make it. He would never be able to make his way down the stairs.
Sirius had then proceeded to come to the flat to see if everything was okay.
“I went to the shop and you weren’t there,” Sirius said as he stood in Remus’s room, clearly in distress. “Dorcas was there—She said you were having a bad day, and I—I didn’t know what to do with that, so I just…” His shoulders slumped. “Well, you’re okay, right?”
Remus smiled softly, relishing the feeling of being cared for. “Yeah,” he said. “The feeling is just gone today. Fucking fucked up nerves, yeah?”
Sirius chuckled, then, and the sound warmed Remus to his core. “Yeah.”
Halfway through the week, Lily and James went on their first date. Remus had never seen Lily the way he saw her that night when she returned; now, it was her turn to sound like a lovesick schoolgirl. That was when she posed the idea to bring all the friend groups together for a dinner at their place.
“I really like him,” Lily had whispered. “James, I mean. He’s so nice, and funny, and sweet.” She wet her lips, then. “I want my life to collide with his. Is that crazy? I barely know him.”
“No.” Remus had shaken his head softly and carded his fingers through her hair, as she leaned against his shoulder. “It’s not crazy at all.”
So that led them to the evening of that Friday. Everyone had agreed to come, and it would be packed in the flat, but Remus looked forward to it nonetheless. He looked forward to any occasion that involved a certain long-haired man.
“Rem, are you listening?” Lily snapped her fingers in front of his face.
“Huh?” Startled, Remus straightened his back to look at his best friend glaring down at him. “Sorry, uh, what did you say?”
Lily tutted. “Dreaming about lover boy again?”
Remus smiled sheepishly. “Sorry.”
“I really do hope he gets the balls to kiss you soon,” Lily said. “You and your daydreaming is getting out of control.”
Remus stretched and stood from the couch. His cane was in his room. He followed Lily into the kitchen, where she was in the midst of cooking dinner. “Anything I can do to help?” he asked.
“You can set the table,” Lily said as she steered in a pot with rice.
“Alright.” Remus started to get cutlery and plates from the cabinets.
Lily observed him openly as he started putting the items on the dining table. It was a tight fit for all of them to sit there, but they would manage it.
“It’s nice, you know,” Lily mused, “to see you move around without your cane.”
Remus sent her a grin. “It’s nice to be able to do it.”
“That cousin of Sirius really did wonders, ey?”
Remus hummed as he placed the cutlery next to the plates. “She did, yeah. I think I might even have to send her a thank-you card.”
Lily chuckled and looked at the clock on the wall. “They can be here any minute now.”
Remus wet his lips and ran his hands down over his T-shirt. “Can’t wait.” Just then, their intercom sounded.
*
“How does Remus manage to climb these stairs every single fucking day?” James mumbled as they had almost reached halfway up to the top floor. “This is basically hell.”
“He doesn’t,” Sirius said. “Not always.”
“Remus is the one with the cane, right?” Peter asked. He was walking behind Sirius.
“Yeah,” Sirius said. “Though I don’t think he’ll use it tonight, but he’ll probably be the tallest one there, so you won’t be in doubt.”
“Noted. Then there’s Lily, James’s girlfriend—”
“Not girlfriend!”
“Well, to-be girlfriend, then,” Peter said.
“I appreciate the faith you have in me, Wormy,” James said and sent him a grin over his shoulder. James was in front, Sirius in the middle, and Peter in the back.
“You’re welcome, Prongs. Okay, then there’s Dorcas, Remus’s co-worker. What did she look like again?”
“Dark skin and braids,” Sirius said. “Then there’s her girlfriend Marlene. I’ve never met her before, no idea what she looks like. The same with Mary.”
“You didn’t have the thought to ask—”
“Relax, Wormy,” James laughed. They were almost on Remus’s floor now.
Peter had always had this thing where he needed to be prepared for anything new that was to be thrown at him; especially if they were people. He liked to prepare for new encounters like they were an exam he needed to take. When they’d first met at St. Paul’s, Sirius had found it oddly adorable how nervous Peter was when they first met; so unsure of his surroundings and what to do with them.
Now, in adulthood, it was slightly better, but he still had that constant need to be well-prepared.
“What if I mix any—”
“Petey.” Sirius turned his head, a laugh on his face. “You’ll be fine, okay? If you mix any names up, or any other information you’ve got so far, then nobody will mind, okay?”
“Easy for you to say, Black,” Peter tutted.
They reached the top floor and there was the door to Lily and Remus’s flat. “Of course it is,” Sirius grinned and ruffled Peter’s hair. “Everything is easy for me—I’m the closest anyone can get to perfection.”
James coughed into his fist. “Sure thing.”
Sirius scowled at him and Peter snickered.
“Whatever.” Sirius rolled his eyes. “Shall we knock or what?” His heart was speeding up slightly. Remus was on the other side of that door.
James adjusted his glasses and lifted his hand to knock.
One.
Two.
Three times he knocked.
“Remus—No! I’m gonna—Rem! You bugger!” was heard from the other side of the door and less than a second later, Remus Lupin’s face showed in the door, flush and glowing.
For a fraction of a second, it felt like it was just the two of them there as their eyes met. Remus was handsome, his light curls tousled, his eyes crinkling as he smiled, and his bicep flexing as he rested it against the doorway. Sirius had to fight the urge to bite his lip. He had never seen Remus in a T-shirt before—and this one reached just an inch above the waistband of his jeans, leaving a sliver of skin to show.
“Hello, lads.”
Sirius swallowed.
Remus winked at him.
Lily Evans showed up at the door, pushing Remus aside and out of view, her cheeks red. “Don’t you ever throw an oven mitt at me again!”
“Sorry!” came Remus’s sheepish reply.
Lily shook her head, hands on her hips, and turned her eyes to James. “Hi,” she breathed.
“Hi,” James said, equally breathless. “You—you’re stunning, Lily.”
Lily beamed. She really was beautiful. Her hair was braided loosely, she wore a green tank top, and dark blue flared jeans. Jewellery decorated her wrists and neck. On her upper right arm, there was a tattoo of a flower. Sirius didn't know what kind.
“Thank you,” she said. Remus showed up in the doorway behind her, still grinning. “You must be Peter, right?” Lily continued to say.
Peter sent her a nervous smile and held out her hand. “A pleasure to meet you. James has told me loads about you.”
Lily grinned crookedly, sending James a look. “I’m sure he has. Come in, come in, the rest are not here yet.”
They filed into the flat. Inside, it smelled of rice and chicken. Fresh flowers stood on the table, which had cutlery laid out for all of them on it.
“We need some music,” Remus stated and began moving over to the record collection. “Wanna help me choose it, posh boy?”
Sirius swallowed. “Sure.” He followed Remus over to the collection of albums.
Behind them, Lily found beers and wine. All three of the others got into a conversation about James’s latest article—he worked for a newspaper company—but Sirius didn’t listen. His sole focus was on Remus and how his fingers were now flipping through the records.
Sirius had given up, truly, on trying to deny his feelings. Accepting them, now, was the hard part. They were there; the very beat of his heart, but he still didn’t want it to. Maybe it would be easier for him if he wasn’t a Black. For a fact, he knew it would be. If Effie and Monty had been his biological parents, Sirius might have been able to accept it many years ago. Maybe the first person he would have told would have been James. Maybe he wouldn’t have slept so much around with women in his early twenties to just try and make himself change.
He knew he had people who would accept him without a doubt, but it was the people whose walls he had lived within his whole childhood whose acceptance he longed for.
But he never would get it. He tried to live with that. Every evening since his talk with Remus he’d tried to stand in front of the mirror in the bathroom, hands on the sink as he muttered lowly.
“I’m–”
Toujours pur!
“I’m a—”
Scum!
“I like—”
No son of mine!
“I’m… I’m… I’m…” Just say it, just say it, justsayitjusayitjusatsayit!
He hadn’t managed to yet. The word was like poison.
“Hey.”
Remus’s soft voice brought him out of his train of thought, and Sirius quickly lifted his head to meet his eyes.
“Yeah?”
“Lost you for a bit there,” Remus muttered. “You okay?”
Sirius nodded quickly, swallowing the lump in his throat. He began to flip through the records. “Just, you know, thinking.”
Remus hummed, eyes on the records now. “Doing that a lot lately?”
We brushed it under the rug, Moony, Sirius wanted to say.
“You have no idea,” was what he exhaled instead.
Remus bumped their shoulders together just as a knock sounded on the door. “I’m here for you, okay?”
Lily went for the door, James in tow—their hands were locked.
“I know,” Sirius said softly.
The door opened and the sound of squealing reached his ears as best friends reunited.
“How about this one?” Remus lifted an album from the collection. Hunky Dory.
The corner of Sirius’s mouth quirked up. “Bowie?”
“Always.”
Marlene McKinnon was tall. Taller than Sirius, not by a lot, but he still felt the need to straighten his back and lift his chin as he greeted her. Her face was heart-shaped, and her blonde hair reached her shoulders.
“So this is the boy Lupin is talking about all the time, eh?” she muttered, so only Sirius could hear.
“Um—”
“Sirius!” Saved by Dorcas. She pulled him away from Marlene and into a tight hug. They knew each other rather well by now from all the times Sirius came to the shop for his smoking breaks with Remus.
“Hi!” Sirius breathed, relieved.
“I see you’ve met my girlfriend.” Dorcas pulled away from him and went over to Marlene to sling an arm around Marlene’s waist.
Sirius’s eyes locked on the spot where they touched. How can you do that? he wanted to ask. Why is it so easy for you? Is it easy, at all? Why can’t I get to have it easy?
He looked away and caught James’s eyes across the room. James’s eyebrows knit together as he looked at Sirius, a question in his eyes that Sirius didn’t understand.
He turned his attention back to Marlene and Dorcas. “Yeah, I have.”
Mary Macdonald was a character Sirius didn’t know he needed in his life, but once she stepped into it, he hoped she would never leave. Her skin was rich brown and her hair a large afro around her head. She wore even more rings on her fingers than Sirius, and her red lipstick left imprints on her wine glass as she told Sirius a thrilling story involving a shopping cart, a street cat, and a whole lot of weed while they ate dinner.
Sirius briefly wondered if she was the type of girl he would fall in love with if he had been that kind of man. Earlier in this life, he would probably have forced himself to try, but trying had become tiring long ago. Sirius hadn’t been with anyone in three years. One day, he just… stopped. One day, he realised that just because he hid that part away, a new part wouldn’t be able to take its place.
Sirius quickly pushed the thought aside. Life was too depressing even without thoughts of what-ifs. Instead, he let himself bask in the light that radiated from Mary. A friend, maybe. Sirius would like that.
Peter seemed to relax enough halfway through dinner to start a heated discussion with James and Marlene about football. James loved to play football, but never really watched it. Peter loved to watch but loathed playing. Marlene loved to do both.
Lily and Dorcas were talking about Lily’s students at school.
And Remus… Remus was watching Sirius as Mary was reaching the end of her story. Sirius could see it out of the corner of his. It made butterflies bask in his stomach.
When the meal ended, they moved to the couch. Remus changed the album and turned the music up louder. James, Sirius, and Peter told the stories about how they got their nicknames. Everyone roared with laughter when Sirius told them, and he made a dramatic bow for effects. “Thank you, thank you…”
“Haven’t you also got a nickname now, Rem?” Lily asked, head tilted to the side. Sometime throughout the storytelling, she’d ended up in James’s lap. He was playing with her hair, smiling at her adoringly.
“Oh, well, kind of,” Remus said sheepishly.
“How so?” Peter asked.
“Well, it was Sirius who gave it to me,” Remus said, inclining his head towards Sirius. “He gave me a—a tattoo last week of the moon phases. Started calling me Moony after that.”
“Really?” Peter asked. "Where?"
"On my spine."
“I bet if the four of us all had gone to St. Paul’s, we would’ve got up to so much more shit together,” James mused.
“I bet you would, with what I’ve heard,” Marlene said. “Remus here used to run away from police all the time because of graffiti art. Together you would’ve been a gang of marauders or some shit like that.”
Everyone chuckled at that, except Sirius. He was in deep thought. What would it have been like, to go to St. Paul’s with Remus? When he looked up again, James’s eyes were locked on him again. His eyes were calculating. Sirius raised an eyebrow at him. James tightened his jaw and whispered something in Lily’s ear.
“Okay,” she said lowly and moved off his lap.
James stood. He gestured for Sirius to follow him.
“Where are you two going?” Remus asked, eyes trailing Sirius.
“Just going to grab a quick smoke,” James said. “Out on the balcony.”
Something in James's gaze clearly indicated that it was a them thing. Everyone saw it, so they resumed their conversations.
Sirius followed James out onto the balcony, and James fished the cigarettes out of his pocket. He handed one to Sirius and lit it for him once it was between Sirius’s lips. He then lit one for himself. They stood for a few moments, smoking; Sirius mentally prepared him for whatever James was about to throw at him.
“Lily’s bisexual,” he said, taking a drag.
“Did you take me out here to tell me that?” Sirius asked, surprised.
“Yes and no. Did you know Remus is gay?”
Sirius inhaled some smoke at the blunt question and started coughing. James clapped him on the back. When he regained his breath, he said, “Y-yeah. I know.”
“And Marlene and Dorcas are girlfriends.”
“No shit, Prongs,” Sirius said, heart beating fast. “Where are you going with this?”
Did he know?
“Just… I saw how you looked at Dorcas and Marlene when they were standing together earlier, and just before, you didn’t laugh at what Marlene said—”
“Are you saying I might have a problem with them?” Sirius said, eyebrows shooting towards his hairline. “Prongs, Moony is literally…” What was he? “He’s one of my best friends.”
James sighed. “I know, okay? I’m sorry but I needed to check. I know how your family is about all that, and we’ve never really talked about our views on things like that...”
A part of Sirius wanted to start an argument, but this was James. His best friend; always looking out for others. He couldn’t be mad at him for that.
“I promise I have nothing against them,” he said slowly. “I know what my family’s like, and I also hope you believe me when I tell you I’m not like them. N-not when it comes to that.” He looked down.
“Not when it comes to anything,” James said softly.
“Don’t let Andy hear you say that.”
“Sorry, my bad.”
They stood in silence for a few moments.
“I know you miss them, Sirius.” Their cigarettes were almost burned down.
“I really don’t want to talk about that right now,” Sirius said.
“Okay. Then, on another note, can you believe that Lily Evans could choose any guy, any girl, yet she chose me? I’m the luckiest fucker alive.”
Sirius laughed, his eyes crinkling. “You’re smitten.”
“Yeah. I’m falling in love, Padfoot. Just like that.” He snapped his fingers. “I’ve always wanted it, but now that it’s here…” He sighed.
“How does it feel?” Sirius asked. “To fall in love, I mean.”
“Easy,” James said. “Unexpectedly easy. Just happens.”
Sirius looked behind himself and through the balcony door. Inside, Remus was having a conversation with Peter.
James followed his gaze. “Why are you asking?”
“Just curious,” Sirius said and looked over the balcony once again. He took one last drag of his cigarette.
James hummed but didn’t ask any further questions.
*
Remus’s eyes were on Sirius’s back. He could just see it through the glass door. When Sirius and James turned to go back into the flat, he quickly averted his eyes.
“There you are!” Mary laughed as they stepped inside. “Sirius, Peter tells me you’ve grown up with ballroom dancing.”
That information had also been new to Remus. The longer Remus knew Sirius, the more he learned, he had so much to discover still. It was thrilling.
“And how exactly did that come up in the conversation?” Sirius chuckled and rested his hands on the back of the couch where Peter sat. He ruffled the blond man’s hair.
“She said she was a dancer,” Peter said and fixed his hair.
“And now I wanna have a dance with you,” Mary declared and stood up from her spot on the floor, empty wineglass in hand. “Remus, darling, could you find us some music?”
Sirius held his hands up. “Nah, I’m afraid I can’t do that—”
“Awh, c’mon,” Marlene said. “One dance. We promise me won’t tease if you’re bad.”
“Oh, so you think I’ll be bad, eh? Is that it, McKinnon?”
She raised an eyebrow. “Prove me wrong, then.”
Sirius’s eyes turned determined, his jaw tightening. Fuck, Remus thought, he’s so attractive.
“Moony, find some music, will you?” Sirius asked as he took Mary’s hand and guided her over to the spot on the floor with the most space.
“Alright,” Remus said, “but I don’t have anything that works for ballroom dancing.”
“Give us some ABBA,” Dorcas said.
“ABBA?” all the boys cried in unison.
“Yes!” all the girls said.
“Ugh, fine,” Remus said and moved to quickly stand. That was a mistake. The cream’s effect had begun to wear off, and pain shot through his thigh and into his shin. He grimaced, lifting his leg off the ground.
“You okay, Remus?” Dorcas asked.
“Fine,” Remus hissed. “Lily, my cane, it’s in my room. Can you—”
“I can just put the record on—”
“Just please give me my cane, and I’ll bloody do it, okay?” Remus snapped. Then quickly said, “Sorry. But… please?”
Lily nodded and quickly went to Remus’s room. Only seconds later, she returned with his cane. He took it and used it to help him over to the record player. Everyone resumed their chatter while he got the music ready. He could feel Sirius’s eyes at his back.
Soon, the song Waterloo—seemed fitting—streamed through the speakers.
“Black, it’s showtime!” Mary laughed.
Sirius smirked, took her left hand, placed his right on her back, and went to work.
Sirius Black was a posh boy through and through, Remus learned at that moment. He’d always been able to see it, but now it was impossible to deny in any way. Sirius held his head high, back straight, and moved Mary around flawlessly even though he’d had quite a few drinks.
He was beautiful like that, but it was also haunting in a way Remus couldn’t describe. That wasn’t the Sirius he'd got to know; this was a man who had got something drilled into him; something that was evident he didn’t enjoy. Remus didn’t know if he was the only one who noticed it, but when Sirius danced, he got a faraway look in his eyes, as if he wished to be anywhere but there.
Everyone else was clapping and shouting. Dorcas whistled. Remus just watched until the song came to an end, and he lifted the needle from the player.
“Wow,” Mary said as Sirius let go of her. “You were really good at that. Holy shit.”
Sirius smirked, the life slowly returning to his eyes. “Thanks, I know.”
Remus chuckled and was about to call Sirius full of himself, but then the phone that hung on the wall next to him rang. Quickly, he took it and held it up to his ear. It was late in the evening. He couldn’t think of anyone who would call this late.
His friends stopped chatting.
“Hello?” he said.
“Remus.”
“Dennis!” Remus’s face split in a grin. “Hey, how are you? Why’re you calling?”
Dennis was one of Remus’s childhood friends who he didn’t see often, but they still held contact. They had dated for two months when they were seventeen but agreed that just because they were both gay, didn’t mean they liked each other that way.
“Remus.” Dennis’s voice was shaky, now.
Remus straightened his back; a chill ran along his moon-clad spine. “What’s wrong?”
All eyes in the room were on him now. A worried line creased Lily's forehead. She was the only one in the room who also knew Dennis.
Dennis didn’t answer.
“Dennis, what’s wrong?”
Dennis inhaled sharply and sniffed. He was crying. “I was at the doctors a few days ago, to, you know, get the usual check-up.”
No.
Remus’s hand shook. “A-and?”
Don’t let him—
“And I’ve got it,” Dennis whispered. “I’ve got AIDS, Remus.”