Trust.
Sirius vividly remembered the time he and Regulus agreed to get matching tattoos. It had been a silly agreement at the time; the kind between kids that thought they would be inseparable forever. But that's the thing about kids; they grow up.
Yet Sirius was never one to break a promise and his left arm carried that with him wherever he went. The tattoo showed today, as he was wearing a tank top. His hair was collected in a bun at the top of his head and he had a pencil behind his ear from when he had to scribble a quick note down.
As he got ready for Remus's appointment, he would every now and then see his reflection in the mirror; see the tattoo reflected. Perhaps it was because James had brought Regulus up only days prior when they had their version of a fight, but Sirius could hear Regulus's voice clearly in his head.
We should get star tattoos, but not our stars, they're boring alone. Wait—how about we get our star signs?
He could hear himself reply.
So, smart you are, Reggie. Fine, we will. The moment I turn eighteen, I'll get it.
And Regulus had squealed in delight. He was a loud and sensitive child back. They took that away from him when he got older. They took a lot away from both of them. They took away the love they had for each other, or perhaps that was just Sirius's fault. Perhaps it was Regulus's.
Some days, he hated his brother for what had happened.
Those days, he regretted the tattoo.
Most days, he hated himself for it.
Those days, he looked at the tattoo and felt a bittersweet tang of longing for a brother he hadn't spoken a word to in almost a decade.
He hoped Remus wouldn't regret this tattoo. Sirius had shown him the sketches he had made the day before and had asked Remus if he was satisfied. Remus claimed to be, but still, Sirius was nervous. He had never tried being nervous in this way before because of a job he needed to do. But then again, it was Remus.
He used the process of getting the stuff ready to calm his nerves. It was purely muscle memory at this point, and he would be able to do it asleep. He hummed as he worked: a Beatles song.
Sirius finished getting the gun and ink ready just as a knock sounded on the door.
"Come in!" Sirius called, turning his chair towards the door.
Lucy opened the door, saying, "Your next client is here, Black." She opened the door further and Remus came into view. He wore a lopsided grin. Sirius returned it.
"Thanks, Price. Just come in, Remus," Sirius said.
Lucy left and Remus moved inside slowly. He had his cane with him today, his knuckles fisting it tightly. By now, Sirius knew that Remus had days when he was really dependent on it and days when he could move around without almost no problems. Remus hadn't told him this specifically; it was simply something Sirius had noted by observing.
"Hi," Remus grinned through a grimace as he finally reached the tattoo chair. He propped himself onto it, legs dangling over the side, and let out a relieved sigh. "Fucking hell," he muttered lowly under his breath.
Sirius didn't comment on it and instead grabbed the thermal paper with the design while he said, "So, how have you been?"
Remus chuckled. "You literally saw me during our smoke break yesterday."
"And?" Sirius raised an eyebrow. "A lot can happen in that time."
"Mhmm, let me see." Remus tapped his chin, looking in deep thought. "I took a shower, ate dinner with Lily, wanked fifty times—"
"Alright, alright," Sirius hastily chuckled. "I get it, nothing happened."
"Nah, not really. Lily's students gave her flowers, though. They're on our dining table. Very pretty. Very pink. No idea what kind it is."
Sirius rolled his eyes fondly. "I'm sure you don't. I look forward to seeing them tonight."
"Yeah." Remus smiled giddily at his lap. "Tonight. It'll be great meeting James properly."
"Lily, too," Sirius said softly.
Remus grinned and tilted his head. His eyes latched onto Sirius's arm. "What constellation is that?"
"It's Scorpio," Sirius said, looking at his arm. "It's my star sign."
We should get star tattoos, but not our stars, they're boring alone. Wait—how about we get our star signs?
Remus furrowed his eyebrows. "Wait—I thought you were Sirius."
"Well, I'm always serious, but no," Sirius chuckled. Remus rolled his eyes with a sigh. "I'm named after the star Sirius, the brightest one, but my star sign is different. Two different things."
"Fucking hell, I did know that," Remus said, blushing. "I—I don't know why I mixed that up. God, that's like—basic knowledge, isn't it?"
Sirius shrugged, grinning devilishly. "Perhaps, but I won't tell anyone. I promise. Now, your tattoo. We're here for a reason." He handed Remus the thermal paper. "This is still the one you want, right?"
"Yeah," Remus said, nodding as he looked over the design once more. "It looks great, love."
If he would just stop calling Sirius that. The butterflies in his stomach liked it way too much. So much that it was impossible to suppress. He tried nonetheless.
"Alright, then we just need to get to it, then," Sirius said. "Can you take off your jumper?"
Remus complied easily. He drew the jumper over his head, his hair standing up in all directions. And, well, yes. Remus had tattoos. Many of them.
He had a rose on his right upper arm which covered most of it. On his left, he had a skull with a dagger between its teeth and flowers falling out of its eyes. On the underside of his right lower arm, he had the word Hope spelt in cursive letters. His left lower arm was covered in many minor tattoos. One portrayed a bow with an arrow at the ready; another showed a tiny record player with an album on it; another was a stack of books; there were feathers; a cross; a smiley. Right under his collarbones, there were branches tattooed that started almost by his shoulder and crawled in towards his chest, just stopping before they met each other.
They were messy. They were elegant. They were a part of Remus.
They were the most beautiful thing Sirius had ever seen.
"Eyes up here, posh boy."
"Huh?" Sirius snapped his head up, a flush immediately speaking across his neck and cheeks.
Remus's eyes twinkled. "You like them?
"Yeah, um—" Sirius cleared his throat. "They're, eh, very nicely made. Nice handy work." Sirius cringed inwardly.
Remus pursed his lips, clearly fighting back a smile. "Alright."
Sirius stood, took the design from Remus's hands, and gently put it on the side table. "Let me just get the chair into a lying position for you," Sirius said as he began to adjust the chair. He changed the headpiece of the chair for one that had a hole in it that Remus could rest his head in.
Remus watched him as he did it. Sirius was extremely aware of it, and it made him fumble when putting on the headpiece.
Remus snorted.
"Shut up, you knob," Sirius muttered.
"Make me."
Sirius swallowed. "You know, considering I'm not your friend, this type of talk could get you banned from the place."
"We're still playing that game, eh?" Remus tsked. "Alright then."
"Yup, now lay down, will you? Is it okay if I take your cane and place it by the door?"
"Sure," Remus said and slowly began to move around on the chair until his front was pressed against the leather.
Sirius placed his cane by the door and then got to work.
*
The piece ended up taking five hours to make to perfection. Throughout it all, they switched between light talking, and Remus drifting in and out of sleep. At some point, Sirius turned on the radio and Remus hummed along.
They had short breaks, but overall, Remus took the pain as a champ. At last, Sirius put down the gun, peeled off his gloves, and said, "All done. Let me just put a bandage on it, and then I'll walk you through how to take care of it before you leave. You're probably going to need help with that, considering the location of the tattoo."
"Lily can help me, so that's no problem," Remus said, head still pressed into the hole in the chair. His whole body was relaxed.
"Alright, good. Do you want to see it beforehand?"
"Nah," Remus mumbled, clearly sleepy. "I saw the design, I know what it should look like, and you made it, so it has to be perfect."
Sirius hummed, eyebrows furrowed. "Are you sure? Don't wanna make sure that you're satisfied?"
"One, even if I wanted, what would it matter? It's in my skin now, forever. Secondly, are you satisfied with it?"
"Yeah," Sirius said honestly. "I am."
"Then that's all I need to know."
"Alright then." There was no point in arguing with Remus Lupin.
Sirius reached for the bandage and delicately began the work of applying it to Remus's skin. While he did it, he drank in the tattoo. It was one of the best ones he'd ever made, that he was sure of. He hadn't lied when he said he was satisfied.
It ran along the whole length of Remus's spine; every single moon phase. It was beautifully shaded with deep attention to detail. Stars and meteoroids snaked around the phases.
"Moony," Sirius chuckled lowly as he finished wrapping the tattoo.
"What did you say?" Remus asked sleepily.
"Just—Moon phases. Moony. I think I've found my nickname for you," Sirius said softly.
Remus hummed. "I like it."
I like you, was on the tip of Sirius's tongue.
"You can sit up now," Sirius said. "You're all good to go—Well, I do need your money first."
Remus chuckled and began the slow process of turning around and sitting up. He moved his legs to dangle over the side and grinned wickedly at Sirius as he pulled his jumper back on. "Thanks for the tattoo, posh boy."
Sirius shook his head, amused. "Want me to grab your cane for you?"
Remus's jaw tightened. "It's two steps away, I think I can handle that."
"If you're sure," Sirius said slowly. He took a step back to give Remus space.
The instant Remus's leg had to support his weight, it crumbled beneath him. Remus cried out in pain, and Sirius was quickly there to catch him before he went down. Remus clung to him, his fingers digging into Sirius's bare arms. "Shit, shit, shit," he chanted.
"Hey, it's okay," Sirius mumbled, arms still secure around Remus's frame. "Let's get you back onto the chair, okay?"
Remus nodded tightly and Sirius held onto him as he got back onto the chair. Once seated, Sirius let go of him and took a step towards the door to get the cane, only to realise that Remus was on the brink of tears.
"Moony, are you okay?"
"God," Remus whispered. "I'm so fucking pathetic, aren't I? Can't even stand for one fucking second without collapsing."
"Remus—"
"And of course you had to see it." Remus was hiding his face in his hands now; elbows on his knees. "Everyone is gonna see it at some point because this is how it's gonna be for—for the rest—" Remus's shoulders shook with sobs and Sirius stood transfixed, not quite sure what exactly to do. His first instinct was to touch, to hold, but he wasn't sure if Remus would allow that right now. So, he stood.
"Remus," he tried softly. "Is there anything—"
Remus's head shot up, his eyes bloodshot. "How come it you've never asked?"
Sirius furrowed his eyebrows in confusion. "Asked about what?"
"About this." Remus gestured to the scar on his face. "And this." His leg. "And that bloody piece of wood." The cane. His arm slumped limply to his side.
"Uh... because?" Sirius said dumbly.
"See, everybody fucking asks. What happened to you? Little kids point at your face and ask, Why is it split in two? People you know look at you with pity, and you can see they think, Oh, he had so much life in him. Now he can barely stand. A shame. What a fucking tragedy. So, why couldn't I see your thoughts, posh boy? And why didn't you voice them once you got to know? Why didn't you pry?" Remus breathed heavily, eyes glossier now, but not wavering from Sirius.
Sirius blinked. He swallowed. "Pain is personal," he said. "I'm not entitled to know the reason behind yours unless you want me to."
Remus's chin wobbled once more. "Do you think I'm pathetic?"
"No," Sirius said sternly and went over to take Remus's cane. He stepped up to Remus, a resolute look on his face. "But I'm not above helping you, because, well, I'm your friend."
Fresh tears streamed down Remus's face, and he pulled Sirius into a hug. His face was buried in Sirius's neck as he whispered, "Thank you."
The cane was between them, still in Sirius's right hand. It dug into his chest uncomfortably, but it didn't matter. He lifted his left hand and carded it through Remus's hair. Something passed between them at that moment; something scary and big, and fulfilling. Trust. Remus trusted Sirius to comfort him. Sirius didn't know how to, not really, but his fingers continued to work through Remus's hair, and that seemed to be enough. His nails scratched over his scalp, and at last, Remus calmed down enough to lean back. He sniffed. He looked down, embarrassed.
"I'm sorry," he said.
"What is there to be sorry for?" Sirius asked lowly.
"I don't know," whispered Remus.
"It's okay to be sad about it, you know," Sirius whispered. His arm lifted on its own accord to brush a few hair strands away from Remus's face. Remus closed his eyes briefly. "And it's okay to allow yourself to be held."
"Thank you," Remus whispered once again.
*
Remus was embarrassed, to say the least. When he got home, he lay down on the couch with his face first and waited till Lily got home at four. He then told her everything that had happened.
"Why did I break down, Lils?" he whined. "Why? God, it was so—"
"Did he say it was embarrassing for you?" Lily said for the tenth time, still in that patient teacher's voice.
"No—"
"Did he sound like he meant it?"
"Well, yes—"
"Then I suggest you move on, appreciate the fact that Sirius Black hugged you, and go help me make dinner because he and that Potter boy are showing up here in an hour."
"Shit!" Remus bolted into a sitting position. "Shit, shit, shit." He grasped his cane and got up from the couch the quickest he could—which was not very quick. "Lils, c'mon, what are you waiting for? We gotta cook!"
Lily sighed but stood. Under her breath, she mumbled, "You're so weird."
"I heard that!"
A knock sounded on the door at three minutes past six p.m.. Remus made his way from the kitchen to the door and opened it. Sirius and James stood on the other side of it. Sirius grinned at him.
"Hi, Moony."
Remus's stomach erupted with butterflies. "Hey, posh boy."
For a brief second, it just felt like the two of them, locked in each other's eyes, but then James held out his hand for a handshake and broke the bubble. "James Potter," he said, smiling warmly. "It's a pleasure to meet you."
Remus shook his hand, smiling, too. "You too. Come in, come in." He led them further into the flat and showed them where to put their shoes and coats. "Lily's in the bathroom, but she'll be—"
"I'm right here!" Lily said as she scurried out the bathroom door.
"Oh." The sound fell from James's lips as he looked at Lily, a wonder-struck expression on his face. "Oh. Hi."
"Hello," Lily said, chipper. She wore jeans, an old band T-shirt that Marlene had once forgotten at the flat, and over that, a grey cardigan. It was a simple outfit, really, yet James looked at her like she was an angel. "James Potter, right?
"Uh-huh," James dumbly said.
Remus was beyond confused and looked at Sirius for help, but Sirius was busy looking from Lily to James, confusion flickering into understanding. He bit back a smile, and said, charmingly, as he stepped forward, "I'm Sirius Black, a pleasure to meet you."
He held his hand out, and Lily took it, not paying notice to James's crisis. "Hello. I've heard loads about you."
"And me about you," Sirius said and winked at her. James gawked at him. Remus hid a snicker behind his hands; it was clear Sirius was only doing this to agitate James. "Remus has spoken very highly about you."
"He better have," Lily said. She turned her attention to James again; up and down her eyes moved. She pursed her lips, head tilted to the side. A new gleam showed in her eyes. "Do you like waking up early in the morning, Potter?"
"Um, yes?" James said, slightly confused.
"Do you like kids?" Lily continued to ask.
"Yeah, I do," James said. His eyebrows were furrowed to the point they almost touched.
Remus watched the encounter with a knowing smile. He knew where this was going.
"Do you support queer people?"
Remus was beginning to feel bad for James. The man looked utterly lost. He looked at Sirius to see his reaction to all of this, only to see that instead of being amused, Sirius was now tense all over. His eyes bore into James's skull.
"I do, yes," James said in an instant.
Sirius looked towards the window. Remus squinted at him, lips pursed.
"Do you know how to cook?" Lily continued.
"Yes. My mum taught me."
The corner of Lily's mouth quirked up. "Alright then. That'll do for now." She turned on her heel and walked towards the kitchen. "Potter, come help me carry the dinner onto the dining table!"
"O-okay." James followed after her, the confusion still visible on his face, but now mixed with unmistakably joy.
Remus chuckled once the two were out of earshot. "Well, that was Lily."
The tension had eased from Sirius's shoulders. He looked towards the kitchen, where James was helping Lily move stuff to the dining table. "She's lovely," he mused. "But what the actual fuck was up with those questions?"
Remus snorted. "It's this thing Lily does whenever she's interested in someone. It's her way of finding out if they're worth her time. I think James passed. For now."
"Straight forward," Sirius said, nodding. He lowered his voice slightly, "James saw her from our window the day we were in the alley. He gave me a whole speech about it; how she was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. I don't think he expected her to be your roommate. But he doesn't look like he's complaining." He inclined his head towards the kitchen.
Remus turned his head, just in time to see Lily break into a fit of laughter over something James said. Remus smiled fondly.
"How's your tattoo?" Sirius asked.
"Oh." Once again, Remus was reminded of how he had broken down at the tattoo shop. Shame and embarrassment crept up his neck. "Um, it's good. Thank you. No scratch that, that sounded like I didn't like it. I took the bandage off half an hour ago—and, God, Sirius, it's beautiful. You made it perfectly."
Sirius grinned. "Thanks, I know."
"So full of yourself, aren't you?" Remus tsked.
"Someone has to be full of me." Sirius shrugged.
Remus opened his mouth to reply with a smirk on his lips, but just then, Lily called, "Food's ready!"
*
Remus's and Lily's flat wasn't much different from James's and Sirius's, though it had a lot more colour and personality. Eventually, Sirius and James would get to that, but they still had boxes everywhere. Remus's home was full of plants and books; the walls were green, and the lamps shone yellow. The floor was grey carpet and there was a large record collection in the corner.
The dinner was incredible and soon, they were all buzzed on wine. After three hours of that and a game of Monopoly—which Sirius won—he decided he could use a fag.
"Be right back," he said and patted his pocket to signal he was going to have a smoke. He stood and went to the balcony.
The air was crisp outside, and a shudder ran through him. He quickly lit his cigarette and brought it to his lips. Just then, the door opened, and Remus stepped out onto the balcony. He had got the idea to put on a jacket. Sirius should've done that, too.
"I wanted one too," Remus said and rested against the balcony railing. He had brought his cane out but now placed it against the wall. Remus quickly got out his lighter and a cigarette. Soon, both men had smoke falling from their lips.
"I've really enjoyed tonight," Remus said. "I think Lily and James did, too."
Sirius chuckled. "Yeah. I did, too. She's nice. We should all hang out as a group more often."
"We gotta invite my friends Marlene and Mary so you can meet them, too. Dorcas, too, of course, though you've already met her."
"The co-worker, yeah?"
Remus nodded. "Yeah. Her."
"Who are the other two?" Sirius asked.
"Mary is Lily's childhood best friend and Marlene is Dorcas's girlfriend."
"What?" Sirius said, eyes wide open.
"Yeah," Remus said dryly. "Some people can actually love a person of the same gender, posh boy."
"Of course I know that!" Sirius hissed. "Was that why Lily—?" He gestured into the air, not quite sure how to let the words fall from his lips. He never had.
"Well, yes," Remus said. "But Lily is queer, too."
"She is? Then why James—"
"She's bisexual. AC/DC. She likes both."
"Oh." Sirius sucked on the butt of his cigarette. "That's—Yeah."
Remus raised an eyebrow at him; almost a challenge. "A problem?"
"What? No, of course not," Sirius said quickly. "Just—surprised, that's all."
Remus hummed. "You can ask me, you know."
"Ask you about what?"
"You know what," Remus said. "I can see it in your eyes. Go on, just ask."
Sirius exhaled and looked away from Remus's face as he said, "Are... are you that way?"
"What do you think?" The question was airy; light; as if they were just talking about the weather.
No, Sirius wanted to say. No, I really hope you're not, Moony. That would make it so much easier for me.
"Yes," he said instead. "In some capacity, at least."
"I'm gay all the way, love," Remus said bluntly. "No way around it, that's just who I am."
But how can you stand being that way? Sirius wanted to ask.
"Okay," was all he said; his heart beating rapidly.
Remus seemed to find this the end of the conversation, and for that, Sirius was thankful. He did, however, start a new conversation; one Sirius hadn't expected.
"It was a car crash."
Sirius's head snapped to him. "What?"
"My leg," Remus clarified. "My face, too, I suppose." He gave a weak chuckle and nudged his shoulder against Sirius's shoulder.
Sirius stood completely still, eyes transfixed on Remus. "W-when?" he found himself asking. The quickly added, "You don't have to answer if you don't want to."
"Nah, it's okay," Remus said. He exhaled as he looked towards the horizon. He took a drag. Sirius's eyes followed the movement. It was dark outside, the moon high in the sky. Remus's eyes were locked on it as he puffed out the smoke. Sirius's eyes were locked on him. "March."
"Of this year?" Sirius asked.
Remus hummed. "Yeah. I was going to visit my mum in the outer parts of London. I had a car at that point and drove myself there even though I could've easily taken the metro, but I—I'd just bought it, the car, I mean, and I was so, so proud. It was my first car, yeah? It was a big deal." He swallowed, eyes glossy.
"And the worst part, Sirius, is that I did nothing wrong. I followed all the traffic rules. I did everything after the book, but because some other idiot was being chased by the police..." Remus's shoulders were shaking lightly and Sirius placed his hand there, knowing that underneath Remus's jacket and jumper, there was a tattoo of a skull. It felt intimate in a way, to know that.
"You don't have to tell me," Sirius said softly.
"I want to."
And because Sirius wanted to hear, he said, "Okay."
Remus wet his lips. "The driver hit my car in the front. And, Sirius—I didn't black out. I remember it all in vivid detail. I remember the pain. It hurt. It really fucking hurt. I stayed in my seat throughout it all thanks to the seatbelt, but the window shattered on impact and all the glass went right at me." He pointed to the scar on his face. "Could've lost an eye." He pointed to his leg. "Could've lost a leg because I almost got paralysed. I didn't, though, but there was a lot of glass that had got stuck in my leg. Really messed my nerves up. They tried to save it the best they could, so now I can walk on it, sometimes. It changes a bit from day to day.
"The nerves—they don't work, probably any more. Some days, I barely have feeling in my legs. Those days I have to use crutches just to get around because my leg simply won't carry me. Other days it's okay; I have a slight limb, but I can do without my cane. Most often; it hurts every time I move, but I can move with support, hence the cane." Remus nodded towards the cane.
"I—" Sirius didn't know what to say once Remus finished. "I'm sorry, Moony." That far from covered it, it seemed.
"Yeah, me too." Remus sent him a sad smile. "So, now you know."
"You didn't have to tell me."
"I wanted to, really. You're my friend now, after all." Remus sent him an encouraging grin and Sirius returned it.
"Yeah, you are."
"The leg gets worse in winter, though, I have learned," Remus said. "Because of all the scar tissue."
"Really?" Sirius asked, eyebrows shooting up.
Remus nodded. "That's why it has been borderline unbearable lately, but I better get used to it."
"No, you don't," Sirius said.
"What do you mean?" Remus furrowed his eyebrows, head tilted to the side. They'd both finished their cigarettes by then.
Sirius scratched at his neck, suddenly shy. "Well, just—I have a cousin, Andy."
"Congratulations."
"Shut up," Sirius chuckled. "I'm being serious right now."
"I know." He was smirking.
Sirius sighed with a chuckle. He couldn't feel the cold any more because of the warmth Remus Lupin brought with him everywhere he went. "You're an idiot."
"Yeah, but you like me."
Sirius's heart skipped a beat, and he quickly looked away. "Anyway, Andy was also disowned by my family, so I still have—"
"Wait, hold up," Remus said. "You're disowned?"
"Oh. Yeah, but that's really not important," Sirius brushed him off. "My biological family is shit, so who cares."
"I—"
"Now, as I was trying to say," Sirius said, "Andy has her own small shop where she sells her own personal pain relief products. She started the whole thing out by making creams that help scar aches. Now she has expanded it to a lot of different stuff as well, I'm not quite sure how much she covers, but I know the cream for scar aches helps a lot. It's really relieving and lasts for many hours at a time."
"Really?" Remus asked, voice small.
Sirius nodded. "You can try some of mine tomorrow if you'd like. If it works, then we can go get some for you. If that's something you want, I mean."
"Sirius—I—Thank you," Remus breathed.
Sirius shrugged with a small smile. "That's what friends are for."
Remus opened his mouth to reply, but just then, James opened the balcony door. Lily's laughter streamed out from inside, and James wore a giddy smile. "Are you two coming or what? We opened another bottle!"