When the Hurly-Burly’s Done
Is this all dying is? This inelegant, unremarkable slipping away into darkness?
Severus thought he’d go out full of sound and fury. Imagined numerous scenarios when his actions finally caught up with him and he was punished by the Dark Lord. Yet, his treachery remains unrevealed even as he reaches the last syllable of his recorded time.
He meant to fight, to repay Voldemort in some small way for the horrors, the lost hopes and dreams. Meant to…
But in the end his plans don’t matter. Nor do his fears.
Two faces swim unbidden into his mind — Lily, his childhood friend. His first love. She was all the things he wasn’t; light, and joy, and hope. Then she chose James. And Severus still loved her from a distance, alone once more.
Until Bella. She saw him. Saw his pain, sought him out. Sat with him for hours on the banks of the lake, talking about their dreams of the future, her smiles lighting up his days. They were going to create new potions. See the world together. Imagine us in Paris, Sev. In China. In San Fransisco. It will be so marvelous.
His fingers slip on the wound on his neck, his hand suddenly heavy. It is such an undignified way to go, alone on the dirty floor of this shack, slinking out of existence the way he had lived, his life trickling away with each drop of blood.
He lifts his hand and in the light of the afternoon sun, the blood coating it shimmers.
The first time Voldemort forced Bella to kill, Severus helped her wash the blood off her shaking hands. Long after they were clean, she still sobbed. Please, Sev, get it out. Get it off. Can’t you see the spots?
He begged her then. Bells, let’s leave. Let’s go anywhere that’s not here.
She refused, still hopeful. No, Sev. Be brave. We’ll succeed in the end if we just have courage.
That was before. Before she was dragged into bedrooms, over and over again until the light left her eyes. Crucio’d into compliance when she resisted, until her mind broke, until she wandered the hallways of the manor at night, muttering words no one understood. She’d long stopped smiling at him by then, both their dreams crushed under the feet of a madman.
The room dims, the only sounds those of his labored breath. In the darkness encroaching on him, Severus imagines he can hear Bella whispering his name before she presses her lips against his. Imagines they had more time, been more than poor players on a stage.
Imagines it had all signified something…