Safe and Stranded
Sirius, upon reaching the flat, was startled to find the two small sofas occupied by James, Lily, Peter and Regulus. They stopped talking as soon as he appeared and Sirius winced at their faces - a mixture of concern, frustration and confusion among them.
“Are you alright?” Regulus asked after a few seconds, before standing up and pulling his older brother into a hug as he shook his head. “Oh, Sirius.”
“I can’t believe you didn’t tell me.” Sirius said quietly, “How could you sit by and watch me with that abhorrent man?”
“I’d hoped that he’d changed. Barty knew more than I did.” Reg murmured, stroking Sirius’ back, “I’m sorry.”
“'S’not your fault. Sorry.” Sirius sighed, “I should have known much earlier.”
“You can’t change that now.” James said, “Did you talk to him?”
Sirius looked at his hand for the first time and saw his swollen knuckles and the smudges of blood on his fingers. “Yeah. He went fully mask off. Said some heinous fucking stuff.”
Lily caught his gaze and moved to his side as Regulus released him, “Let me look at that.” She checked he could still move it, “Just bruised. Want me to heal it, or will you see to it?”
“Honestly, I want to leave it for now,” Sirius said. “As a reminder.”
“Well, that sounds healthy.” James scoffed from the sofa. When Sirius looked at him with tears in his eyes, his face softened. “Pads. I’m sorry.”
Sirius shook his head, “I’m sorry you’re all here on a Saturday afternoon instead of… recovering from last night.”
“None of us really drank that much,” Pete said. “We were worried about you.” Sirius looked at him, then at the others. “Regardless of his… leanings, he wasn’t a good guy. No good for you, mate.”
“Yeah, I see that now.” Sirius sat down slowly in the armchair, suddenly aching all over. “I was so on edge any time I was with him, that I’d say something to piss him off, or he’d bring up Moony. I started dreaming about it, and I’d wake up shaking. I thought it would get better.”
“Sirius, you should have said something,” Lily said. “You know we’d do anything for you. We love you so much.”
“I didn’t realise how bad it was until it was obvious. I think I was just trying to cling to something that wasn’t Moony. As he pointed out to me very clearly earlier, in trying to preserve our friendship, I’ve actually ruined it.”
“Not to be that guy, but he’s forgiven you for worse,” Pete said carefully.
“He shouldn’t have to!” Sirius’ voice shook. “He shouldn’t have to put up with someone who blows hot and cold and risks his life and dates people who want him dead. He deserves so much better than that.”
“What he deserves doesn’t matter. What does he want? That’s what you should have considered from the beginning. What does Moony want?” James asked.
Sirius winced, remembering Remus’ very clear answer to that question. “Do you think there’s any way we can go back to being friends?”
“Friends? Like you were before, with all the touching and the flirting? Or literally just friends?” Reg asked.
“Either. I need him in my life. Despite how much us not being friends would fuck everything up for all of you, I don’t know how I’d exist in a world without Moony.” Sirius sighed, “Not in an ‘I’m going to throw myself off a tower if he leaves me’ kind of way, but just… he’s my… he’s my Moony, y’know?” He looked up from his hands. “Did he come and talk to you?” Reg nodded, but the others didn’t.
“He went to talk to his mum. Think she helped a lot. I didn’t get to talk to him much, I came straight here. He’s at my flat now with… well, yeah.” Reg’s mouth pulled to the side awkwardly, “He’s alright once you get to know him, y’know.”
“I’m pretty sure he tried to bite me earlier,” Sirius said, fighting the urge to roll his eyes.
“Ah, yeah. He’s a biter.” Reg shrugged as James snorted.
“I know how you know that, please don’t.” Sirius smiled at his brother. “There are some things that I don’t need to know.”
“Oh.” Pink bloomed on Reg’s sharp cheekbones. “Yeah. Thanks for that, Barty.”
A small laugh escaped from Sirius’ lungs, “Get better taste, please.”
“Oh, pot, kettle!” Reg snapped back, but there was no malice in it.
“Lovely as this is,” James said, “Where do we go from here?”
“Well, I think I need to talk to Moony.” Sirius said, “Which is really what I should have done weeks ago, I know. I don’t know how to even start.”
“Sirius. It’s just Remus.” Reg said. “Look, chances are you’re going to say something stupid and we’ll all end up teasing you about it for years, but that will have meant that you spoke to him like the adult you’re claiming to be, and that’s more important, surely?”
“It’s the worst feeling in the world when you’re right.” Sirius smiled at his brother. “Thank you, for coming over. I’m so lucky to have you all.”
“Alright, he’s gone all sappy. I’m off.” Pete stood up. “You’ve got this, mate.”
“Cheers, Pete. See you Friday?” Pete nodded before apparating.
James and Lily stood up, “Just be honest, Pads. That’s all you need to do.”
Sirius nodded, “Sounds terrifying but alright. I can do that.”
“See you on Monday.” Lily smiled at him as they apparated away.
“I really am sorry that I didn’t tell you,” Reg said quietly. “I didn’t know until he spoke to us while we were queuing to get into Bogarts and then I just froze. He was there when we were, and I just assumed that he’d moved on too because the whole thing is fucking ridiculous. I just didn’t know how to bring it up while you were physically attached to him. Barty knew he was still a member, but didn’t know about the dark creatures thing until I did.”
“I probably shouldn’t have used his sixteen-year-old mistakes against him,” Sirius said. “Fuck knows I hate it when people do that to me.”
“You mean you don’t love being reminded how you almost murdered Snape?” Reg said, grinning as Sirius rolled his eyes. “He’s a good bloke. A good friend. He’s just a bit of a mess. His dad.”
Sirius nodded, knowing exactly how much family could fuck you up. “I know it’s not funny, but Moony’s face when Crouch blurted out ‘You’re mad because I’ve fucked your brother and the bloke you wish was your boyfriend’. Poor guy was mortified.”
“That’s how you found out?” Reg groaned. “For fucks sake, Barty.”
“He wasn’t wrong. I mean, not the you part, as gross as it is for me to think about, you can do what you want, but as soon as I saw him in the kitchen I had to keep my hands by my side because I wanted to… I don’t know, choke him or something.”
“He’d have enjoyed that,” Reg said, trying not to smirk.
“God, I hate you.” He laughed, “Do you think they’ll get together? Actually together?”
“Nah, don’t think that’s Barty’s style, and Remus seems to have been enjoying playing the field.” He cocked his head to one side, “How have you been coping with that?”
“Badly!” He slumped in the armchair. “He came home one morning covered in hickeys and scratch marks. He vanished most of them before I could get a good look at them, but he forgot his back, and when I pointed it out, he asked if I’d heal them for him.” Reg choked on his laugh, “So later that day, despite not being particularly into him, when Edgar asked me to be his boyfriend, I agreed.”
“The pair of you are absolutely hopeless, I swear. You’ve just been winding each other up this whole time.” Reg was fully laughing now, “You get a date, he goes out with Mary, you go on your date, he fucks his boss, you bring Bonio around more and call him your boyfriend, he starts hooking up with Davey at work and coming home late.”
“I knew it!” Sirius dragged his hands down his face. “And Crouch?”
“I actually don’t think that was consciously to wind you up, there’s just something about Barty that draws people in. It’s wild. Although nothing happened until after you immediately dragged Bonio off to dance to that Queen song, to be fair.” He shot Sirius a pointed look. “In another universe, they’d be a good match, I think. If Barty got his head looked at, and Remus wasn’t in love with you.”
“Reg.” Sirius frowned, “That’s not fair to say now.”
“Perhaps not. Doesn’t make it untrue though.” He stood up. “Look, I know talking to him is going to be awkward and uncomfortable, but you can do this. Floo me if you need me, alright?” He grinned down at Sirius’ hand. “I can’t believe you hit him. Bastard had it coming.”
“Love you, Reg.” Sirius stood up and took a few steps towards him, dragging him into another hug. “I’m so proud of you for getting out of that house. I know I already told you months ago, but I am. I’m so glad I’m not going to be an estranged uncle at twenty.”
“You just had to make it weird,” Reg laughed against his shoulder. “Thank you. I learned from the best.” He smiled, “Love you, too.” He pulled away and patted Sirius on the shoulder before apparating.
Sirius made himself tea. He pulled an extra mug out and was debating whether to make one for Remus in case he came home when the fireplace whooshed.
“In the kitchen.” He called.
“One day, we’ll be getting robbed and you’ll just advertise your whereabouts to them,” Remus said from the doorway. Sirius spun around with an unsure expression on his face. “How’s your hand?”
It hurt a lot, now the adrenaline had worn off, Sirius realised. “Uh, sore.” He shrugged.
“Can I?” Remus stepped forward tentatively as Sirius nodded and inspected his hand. He murmured a spell and the throbbing stopped. “You have a wand, you know.”
“Felt more appropriate to hurt him the muggle way.” Sirius laughed nervously. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t know he was one of them, but I should have stepped in or ended things when he was a dick to you.”
“Thanks,” Remus said quietly.
“I don’t want to lose you.” Sirius blurted out. “Sorry, James told me to be honest and I— I miss spending time with you.” Remus nodded, “Do you think we can ever go back to how things were before? I don’t expect you to forgive me or for things to just go back to normal, but… do you think it’s possible one day?”
Remus thought about it for a moment, “Yeah. I need some space right now, but I’d like to get back to how things were eventually. I missed you. I miss us. That’s a weird thing to say, sorry.”
“No, I do too. I’ll give you all the space you need, Moons. But I’m here whenever you want to talk about it.”
Remus looked down at Sirius’ hand, suddenly aware he was still holding it in his. He dropped it like it was on fire, “Thanks.” He muttered before heading to his room.
Well, thought Sirius. It definitely could have gone worse.
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The following Friday, Regulus and Barty came to the pub. Barty and Sirius avoided one another, managing not to make it too awkward miraculously. Sirius and Remus played pool together for the first time in weeks and Sirius felt like a weight was slowly lifting off him. Not long before the last orders bell he looked around for Remus to see if he wanted another pint but couldn’t see him, and then realised that Barty was nowhere to be seen either. He saw Reg looking at him apologetically and nodded, Right, friends. He smiled sadly before heading to the bar.
After waking up in Barty’s bed for the second time that week, Remus was healing the marks on his neck as Barty rolled over and propped himself up on one elbow. He looked at Remus, but instead of lustful, he looked pensive.
“That was the last time wasn’t it?” He said after a while.
Remus looked over his shoulder and smiled wistfully before nodding. “I don’t think it would be good for either of us to get too attached.”
Barty considered this, rolling onto his back, “Well, yeah, you’re not wrong.”
“It was fun, though.”
“Oh, so fucking fun.” Barty grinned at him, “Probably best to quit while we’re ahead, right?”
“I’m glad you understand.” Remus flopped back onto the bed, his head on Barty’s hip. He smiled up at him as Barty ran his fingers through his hair. “Thank you.”
“You don’t have to thank me for sex, Lupin. The pleasure was all mine. Well, mostly mine.”
“Fuck off, Crouch,” Remus smiled and closed his eyes
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Later that day, Remus met up with Regulus at Florean’s. It was the first time he’d seen him alone since they’d been to Hobarts. Last night Reg had told him that he wanted to talk to him and Remus had decided that ice cream was what he’d need post-pub-and-hookup, so Florean’s it was.
Reg sat there for a while nervously poking his chocolate-and-tangerine ice cream. Remus just let him take his time, enjoying the combination of both milk and white chocolate ice cream.
“I should have told you that I was a member of PAAPR.” He said eventually. “I’m sorry.”
Remus was confused. “Oh, well, thank you? I think? I hadn’t really thought about it. You were fifteen. I don’t know anybody who made great choices at fifteen.”
“Yeah, but most people don’t join hate organisations. I could have said no to my parents or told them I was going and just not gone, but we went for almost three months before we decided it was awful.”
“I’m sure your parents weren’t happy when you finally told them that you weren’t going on anymore.” Reg nodded, “I can’t blame you for wanting to put that off as long as possible. Look, is it something I’m pleased about? No, obviously. But I also wouldn’t hold it against you. So you can stop beating yourself up about it, now.”
“Thanks.” Reg paused to have a spoon of ice cream, “Speaking of not holding things against people…”
“Reg.” Remus laughed. “Things are a bit more normal, but it’s only been a week.”
“So, are you and Barty going to keep… doing that.” He grimaced. “Not that I mind, it’s just…”
“It’s Barty?” Remus sighed when Reg nodded reluctantly. “I didn’t know.”
“I know. I don’t know if I did. Well, I did, but I thought it was just teenage hormones or something.”
“You say that like you’re middle-aged. You’re not even eighteen yet!” Remus chuckled, “I’m sorry for kind of… stealing your man, temporarily.”
“Ugh, gross!” Reg frowned, “Not my man.”
“I hate to break it to you, but he is a man. If that’s the part of the sentence you have a problem with—”
“The two of you deserve each other, I swear.”
“Which two?” Remus quirked an eyebrow as Reg groaned. “Barty and I are done hooking up, just so you know. We talked about it earlier.”
Reg looked surprised, “Yeah? Not that it changes anything for me, but… yeah?”
“Yeah,” He snorted, “Didn’t want things to get weird.”
“Oh, yeah, fuck knows we don’t want things to be weird.” Reg grinned, “No, it’s not like that with us anyway. Who knows, maybe next year he’ll start dating some idiot and I’ll decide it’s time to sleep around and then I’ll hook up with… I don’t know… Fenwick or someone and then we’ll argue about it and then figure it all out.”
“You’re such a little shit.” Remus laughed, kicking him under the table. “You think we’ll figure it all out?”
“Yeah, of course. I think you’re going to need to take the lead with things, though. He’s scared of hurting you again.” Remus frowned, “Look, I’m not saying that you should fuck my brother, but have you considered just… fucking my brother about it and getting it over with.”
Remus choked on his ice cream and Regulus, grinning, patted him on the back until it passed. Unfortunately, at that moment, Sirius walked past Florean’s and happened to look in the window.
Regulus’ arm was around Remus and Remus’ face was bright red. Sirius stopped still, trying to calm himself, but the next thing he knew he was throwing open the door to Florean’s and standing next to their table. Remus sighed and closed his eyes, pinching the bridge of his nose, and Regulus just grinned at him.
“What the fuck is this?” Sirius growled.
“I think this is my cue to leave, is what it is.” Reg slid out of his seat and patted Sirius’ shoulder before apparating away.
Sirius grabbed Remus’ arm and side-along-apparated him back to their flat. He was still holding his bowl of ice cream, looking thoroughly confused.
“You promised,” Sirius said quietly, and the anger was replaced by something much deeper now. A hurt that affected his entire being. “You promised you wouldn’t go after Reg.”
Remus stifled a laugh, “I did, and I stand by that. I have no interest in Reg.”
“Then why was his arm around you in Florean’s?”
“Because he said something really fucking stupid and I choked on my ice cream.” Remus said, trying to be sneaky about eating another spoonful and not entirely succeeding, “He wanted to apologise to me about not mentioning that he was in PAAPR before. Then we were just talking about Crouch, and then you. I would never make a promise to you that I had no intent on keeping, Sirius.”
Sirius sat down on the sofa, exhausted. “But you were blushing.”
“I was choking!” Remus said, “Look, I know I’ve been… ah, fuck it, promiscuous lately. But you have to believe me that I’d never betray you like that.”
Sirius knew that he was right. “Fuck. No, you wouldn’t do that. I’m sorry.”
“Do you think maybe we should talk about things?” Remus knew that Reg was right about him needing to take the lead here. “I hate everything feeling awkward.”
Sirius nodded, “I panicked. I didn’t want you to miss out on things because I couldn’t get my shit together. I was happy with the way things were, and the way they were going. James telling me that you were turning people down fucked me up. I got so focused on not holding you back that I didn’t think to check whether I actually was.” He took a deep breath, “Then when Bones asked me out, it was the day after that conversation and I thought it could be a reasonable way to let you know that you could… not that I thought you were… Why is this so hard to explain?”
“Probably because it makes no sense.” He huffed out a laugh, “I know you were trying to look out for me, so ten out of ten for intention, but a massive zero for execution.”
“That’s probably fair.” He nodded, “I didn’t even intend to go out with him more than twice.”
Remus stared at him, “Sirius, you were his boyfriend for a month and a half.”
“I’m going to be completely honest, because that’s what I think you need from me from now on, right?” Remus nodded, “Alright, well, I was planning to go to the cinema with him, and then not see him again. Then you come home looking like you’ve fucked a tornado with teeth and ask me to heal your fucking back.”
“Ah, yes. Sorry about that. I wasn’t thinking.” Remus rubbed the back of his neck. “I was more worried about going to work and I kind of forgot everything else.”
“It’s ok. So I had a little… panic, about that and when Bones asked me out I just said yes because my head was in an absolute state.” He smiled sadly, “The thing is, he knew from the start that there was something between us, and he went along with it. I just assumed that he was jealous, which would be fair enough really, when he was making his shitty comments. It never occurred to me that it could be more sinister.”
“Why would it?” Remus shrugged, “Did you ever talk to him about it? After he said things?”
“So many fucking times. He’d apologise and say it was some tiny thing you’d said or done that made him jealous and I believed him, stupidly. Then he’d keep doing it, and I suppose I thought, well he’s probably seeing things that I’m just used to because of how we are. Well, how we were, I suppose.” He looked down at his hands, the yellow bruising still staining his knuckles, “Every time he’d come to the pub or over here I’d get so anxious that I was going to piss him off somehow, or he’d make some comment to you and you’d just sit there and take it and I started having nightmares about just going anywhere with him. It’s so stupid.”
“Doesn’t sound so stupid to me. It sounds like that’s exactly what he wanted.” Remus looked so sad and it hurt Sirius’ chest. “I’m sorry that you were suffering and I didn’t notice.”
“Moony, you have nothing to apologise for.”
Remus held up his hand, “I’m sorry that you didn’t feel like you could talk to me about it, then. I know you didn’t talk to anyone about it, but we used to tell each other everything.”
“I miss that,” Sirius said quietly. “I miss you.”
“When I was talking to your brother earlier, he seemed to think it was a given that we’d work things out and get back to how we were before you decided to have a god complex.” Sirius snorted, “Do you think that’s doable?”
“I really hope so.” Sirius said, “I’d hate to lose you. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”
“So we just… go back to how things were?” Remus said, hopefully. “No more Edgar, no more making decisions for me without consulting me?”
“I can agree to that.” Sirius paused, “Not that I’m judging you for your taste in partners, but maybe you and Crouch could spend time at his place, instead of here. I know he was trying to get under my skin, but he succeeded and I just need some time to cool off.”
“We’re not going to hook up again,” Remus said. “Last night was the last time. Didn’t want things to be any weirder than they are if he and Reg are going to start spending time with us.”
“You’re… not?” Sirius’ eyes were wide. “Oh.”
“He’s actually kind of nice. It’s weird. I think if the two of you weren’t in some imaginary competition with each other, you’d actually get along.”
“I can be civil.” Sirius sniffed, “That’s as far as I’m willing to go. For Reg.”
“Alright. So, friends?” Remus tilted his head to one side and grinned. Sirius cursed the jump that his heart did in his chest. “Does that mean you’re cooking dinner, tonight?”
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Slowly things started slipping back to the way they were before. Not the cuddling, or flirting, or hair touching, or pet names, but before that. They ate breakfast together most days. Remus making the toast while Sirius made tea for Remus and coffee for himself. It had been almost a week since they’d talked about it and Remus couldn’t speak for Sirius, but he was waking up with a smile on his face again and each day that passed felt one day closer to everything being ok.
The first Friday night in the pub after they'd had the conversation, felt like everyone was holding their breath until Sirius, frustrated with Remus’ lack of skill but perpetual luck when it came to pool, chased him around the pool table, wielding his cue as Remus laughed raucously. Regulus met Lily’s eye across the table where they were sitting discussing Barty’s methods of cooking eggs. (Which according to Regulus involved the options ‘nuke’, ‘burn’, ‘mush’ or ‘somehow it’s still raw’.)
“They’re actually going to be alright, aren’t they?” He said.
“I think they are.”