Bigger Than Us
Benjy had been in a study group with Remus for several years at Hogwarts and found him fascinating. There was something so compelling about the way his eyes sparkled when he talked about something he was passionate about.
Unfortunately for seventh-year-Benjy, Remus seemed to be especially passionate about Sirius. He’d honestly assumed they were together and just not shouting it from the rooftops until he saw Sirius and Bones at the party. When Emmeline had climbed Remus like a tree and he’d responded enthusiastically, his interest was piqued.
Remus had thought that going out with Benjy to the Three Broomsticks on Tuesday night would be a surefire way to ensure they didn’t bump into Davey or Sirius, and he was half right. After their second drink, Benjy looked over to the bar and frowned slightly.
“Did you plan this?” He asked.
Remus looked over and sighed when he saw Sirius and Edgar waiting to order. He pinched the bridge of his nose, “No, I absolutely didn’t.”
“Can I ask a personal question?” Benjy slid his hand across the table and Remus joined their fingers and nodded, “I really thought you and Black were a couple. Since seventh year. I only realised that you weren’t when he showed up with Bonio to Lily and James’. Did I misread that?”
“Bonio!?” Remus laughed, “We’ve never been a couple if that's what you’re asking.” Remus said cautiously.
“But you’d like to be.” It wasn’t a question. “So why does he have a boyfriend and why are you here with me?”
“Your guess is as good as mine for the boyfriend thing. I’m here with you because you’re very attractive and I enjoy your company.” Remus shrugged.
“You’re not subtle about him, you know.” Benjy squeezed his hand. “I have to be honest, here. I’m moving to Canada next month, Remus. There's a huge manticore problem just outside of Montreal. I'm going to be working under a team that was trained by Newt Scamander. He might even pop in from time to time!”
Remus looked over at him curiously, “That's great! That's so fucking cool!" He nodded slowly, "So if anything were to happen between us,” He tilted his head slightly, “It would have an end date?”
“Still very smart, I see.” Benjy tilted his head, “Not that you don’t deserve more than that. I know apparating and floo and owls are things, but long distance isn’t for me, I tried it once in sixth year and the green-eyed monster got me good. So, I think if anything happened now it would need to hypothetically be purely… physical.”
Remus nodded, a smile blossoming on his face, “Hypothetically, I’d be fine with that.”
Edgar spotted Remus and Benjy before Sirius had, and desperately looked for a table that would be out of view of them, but had no such luck. It still took a few minutes of them being sat at their table before Sirius noticed them. He trailed off mid-sentence, before turning his wide eyes to Edgar.
“Did you know they were here?”
“I saw them when we were at the bar.” He said, “I don’t know how he gets so many people to go out with him. I didn’t have Fenwick pegged as someone who’d be into that.”
Sirius looked at him in disbelief, “Tell me you didn’t just say that.”
“I just can’t say anything right, can I?” He rolled his eyes. “Maybe I’ll just shut up.”
Sirius wouldn’t have minded that, actually. “If what you’re saying is insulting to Remus, then no, it’s not right. I don’t know how many times we can have this conversation…” He looked back over at Remus and Benjy, smiling sadly as Remus laughed heartily at something Benjy said, their faces inching closer together. Sirius couldn’t look away, he wasn’t even aware of Edgar talking to him until he snapped and slammed his fist on the table.
“For fucks sake, Sirius!” Sirius jumped and looked at him, panicked as he stood up and left the pub. When he looked back over at Remus and Benjy, they were looking at him. Remus looked worried. Sirius smiled weakly, downed his firewhisky and followed Edgar.
“I can’t say I like that much,” Remus said quietly.
“I think that’s valid regardless of any feelings you have for Sirius. If James or Dorcas were acting like that, you’d be worried for Lily or Marlene, right?”
“Oh, definitely. The difference is they might actually listen to me if I brought my concerns to them.” Remus frowned, “I know I should try anyway, but Sirius and I barely talk now.”
“Don’t you live together?” Benjy asked.
“Yeah. Exactly.”
“Don’t let Bonio isolate Sirius from his friends,” Benjy said quietly. “That’s what he wants.”
“Pretty sure he just wants to isolate him from me.” Remus debated whether to tell Benjy about what Edgar had said before but decided against it.
“Hmm, maybe.” Benjy ran his thumb across the back of Remus’ hand. “I think we should call it a night.” Remus’ frown deepened. “Are you going to the pub on Friday?”
“Yeah, the one by our flat. It’s great.” Remus said, “You thinking of coming?”
“I think I should come and see what all the fuss is about.” He said, looking at Remus’ lips. He pressed a soft kiss to them before smiling at him. “I’ll see you then, ok?”
"One condition. You'll explain Bonio to me?" Benjy nodded, “Alright, Benj. Get home safe.” Remus watched him leave before finishing his drink and heading out.
🌙✨🌙✨🌙
On Friday night, Benjy actually did turn up to the pub. He’d had a standing invitation, but after seeing Remus the previous weekend and then again on Tuesday, he was suddenly more inclined to accept.
Lily saw Benjy first and he watched as she said something to Remus with a grin, before he looked over his shoulder and smiled at him. Benjy paid for his drink and headed over to them.
“Twice in one week!” Lily said, “To what do we owe the pleasure?”
Benjy’s eyes lingered on Remus for a moment, “I enjoyed the company last weekend.” He said. “Thought I’d come and see why you all love this pub so much.”
“What’s the verdict?” Remus’ eyes were doing the sparkly thing. Clearly, only Sirius knew that they’d met up on Tuesday, and Benjy found that hotter than was probably reasonable.
“Yeah, I like it,” Benjy said, making no attempt to look around at his surroundings. “It’s interesting.”
Sirius was watching this interaction from the pool table and seething internally. It must have been at least partially palpable because James touched his shoulder gently, startling him. Edgar had decided that he didn’t want to go to the pub (Sirius wasn’t totally sure whether he just meant that night, or ever) and tried to talk Sirius out of going too. They’d fought pretty hard after last week’s party, and again on Tuesday and Sirius suspected that it was only a matter of time before they broke up at this point, but he let it drag on because not being with Eddie, with someone, meant that his feelings of jealousy and longing were something he could act on.
“Your turn, Pads,” James said quietly.
Sirius turned back to the table, avoiding James’ eyes. He lined up the shot and the red ball rocketed into the corner pocket. He nodded solemnly before repeating the shot in the opposite corner pocket.
“Well, I guess we’ve learned what makes you good at pool,” James said under his breath.
Sirius’ head snapped up, “What?”
James just looked at him with an idiotic grin on his face. “I just haven’t seen you play this well in a while.”
“Luck,” Sirius muttered, before potting another red, groaning as the white ball followed it in.
“Do you want to talk about it?”
“Not particularly, that hasn’t worked out terribly well for me so far.” Sirius frowned as James set the white ball back on the table.
“That’s because you’re talking to the wrong people about it.” James took his first shot. “When’s the last time you sat on the sofa together and just talked?”
“It’s been weeks.” James almost pitied Sirius, he looked so distressed, but also this mess was entirely of his making. “I didn’t want to not be friends anymore.”
“Do you think dating someone who shit-talks him to his face is something a friend would do?” James asked lightly.
“You talked to Mary?”
“No?” James frowned, “But I’m glad I’m not the only one to have this conversation with you. Do you really want to be with Bones? He’s such a dick.”
“Wow, tell me how you really feel.” Sirius leaned against the wall, “I think it’s probably heading towards the end if I’m being honest. Don’t see it lasting much longer.”
“So end it?”
“But then—”
“Nah, dick or not, if you’re done, don’t lead him on or leave him hanging.” James said firmly, “I can’t believe you let it go on this long, honestly. After the way he looks at Moony... Both of you deserve better than that, Pads.”
Sirius hit the white ball so hard it leapt from the table and rolled along the floor where Remus scooped it up. As he brought it back to the table, Sirius knew James was staring at him.
“Think this is yours,” Remus said. “You’re supposed to keep it on the table, you know.”
“Thanks,” Sirius said, taking the ball from Remus and instantly regretting it as their fingers touched. Desire hotter than a furnace shot from the bottom of his spine to the top of his head and back down again and he inhaled sharply.
“You alright?” Remus said, eyebrows pulling down, “You look…”
Sirius met his gaze, daring him to finish that sentence. “I’m fine.”
Remus nodded, “Who’s winning?”
“You missed Pads pot three on the bounce, it was beautiful!” James said. “Fenwick alright?”
“Seems to be.” Remus glared at James. “Wanted to see why we love the pub so much apparently.”
“I’m sure he did,” James said with a smirk. “And does he like the pub?”
“He said that it’s interesting,” Remus said through gritted teeth as James wiggled around trying to get the angle right on his next shot. “But, yeah he seems to like it. For now, anyway.”
“Ah, I knew he would.”
Remus dragged a hand down his face and muttered something about hating James and it then occurred to Sirius that they weren’t talking about the pub. He wondered what would happen if he sat close to Remus the way he used to, or played with his hair. Edgar wasn’t here, and frankly, nobody liked him so they wouldn’t tell him. It might make Fenwick back off but how would Remus feel about it? He realised too late that James and Remus were staring at him.
“Zoned out.” He mumbled.
Remus looked concerned, “Bones not out tonight?”
“Nah, it’s not really his thing I don’t think,” Sirius said carefully. “He wanted me to stay in and watch some muggle movie with him.”
“Well, I think we’re all glad that you didn’t,” James said.
“Definitely.” Remus’ smile was lopsided and genuine and Sirius thought he might throw up. “No offence to him.”
“Full offence to him,” James muttered, drawing a chuckle from Remus.
Sirius eyed them both before looking back to the table and potting another ball with the cue behind his back. Remus raised an eyebrow and Sirius grinned. This was somehow the most normal interaction they’d had in a month. But then Lily and Benjy appeared on either side of Remus.
Benjy pulled out a pack of cigarettes and offered them around. Only Remus took him up on it, which made Sirius wish he’d offered him one of his. Benjy lit the cigarette between his lips before handing it to Remus with a smug little smile. Sirius looked away as Benjy lit his own cigarette and mumbled something that made Remus laugh brightly.
James snapped him out of it by poking him with his pool cue.
“Your. Turn.”
Sirius shook his head before turning back to the table. Lily came to stand by James and now Sirius felt like he was a fifth wheel and hoped Pete would show up soon. He looked at the last red ball on the table, and at the two yellow balls directly in front of it, and then up at James’ shit-eating grin. He narrowed his eyes before trying to get the angle lined up so he could bounce it off the cushion but he was distracted by Benjy whispering into Remus’ ear and the flush that rose on his friend’s cheeks. He managed to hit the red ball but didn’t pot it.
He couldn’t even watch as James potted the two yellow balls one after another, he was mesmerised by the way the smoke was drifting from Remus’ lips. He’d seen Remus smoke thousands of times at this point and it had never had this effect on him before.
James cheered loudly, and Sirius realised that he’d potted the black and won the game. Sirius tried to look like someone who had been paying attention and not openly ogling Remus but suspected that while Remus and Benjy hadn’t noticed, Lily and James certainly had. He watched as Lily nodded discreetly at James.
“Come to the bar with me,” James said, grabbing his arm as Remus, Benjy and Lily reset the pool table. When they reached the bar and ordered, he turned to Sirius. “The fuck is going on with you?”
“I’m just tired,” Sirius said quietly.
“No, you’re not. Please talk to me Pads. I’m genuinely worried.”
Sirius frowned, wondering if Remus had told him about Tuesday, “It’s just… everything’s a lot more complicated than it used to be.”
“Because of you!” James groaned.
“I know! But look at him, he’s changed. Have you noticed he barely drinks anymore?”
“Maybe he has.” James weighed his words carefully, “He got very, very drunk last weekend, though. I’m surprised you didn’t hear him Floo back, I’d bet ten galleons he fell at least once between the fireplace and his bed.”
“Wasn’t at home.” Sirius said, “How drunk are we talking? I’d assumed he’d be going home with MacDonald.”
“So drunk that she decided that wasn’t an option. Drunk!” James’ voice softened, “Really drunk.”
“But whenever we’re out he hardly drinks.”
James had noticed this too but hadn’t thought to ask Remus about it. Maybe he should. He hoped it wasn’t a financial thing.
“Yeah, I don’t know what that’s about.” James thanked the barman as they got their drinks, but they stayed at the bar. “Have you heard from Reg?”
“Yeah, he’s moving in with that Crouch kid this weekend.” James looked surprised, “Not like that. Just like…” He was about to say ‘Just like me and Remus’, but that probably wasn’t a comparison he wanted to draw. “They’re just mates, who both want to get away from their families.”
“Oh, nice,” James said. “Maybe they’ll come out one week.”
“Maybe,” Sirius said quietly. “I fucked everything up, didn’t I?”
James sighed, “Maybe, temporarily. But it’s not unfixable.” He smiled at Sirius. “You know what you have to do first.”
“But I—”
“Nothing is going back to normal until then. He hates being—” James cut himself off. Remus would hate it if James told Sirius anything that Remus probably didn’t even remember saying at this point. “He hates this.”
“He seems to be enjoying it from where I’m standing.” James followed his gaze to the pool table where Remus was helping Benjy get the angle of his cue right, chest pressed against Benjy’s back, lips next to his ear.
“If you asked him who he’d rather be—”
“James.”
“You know as well as I do that he’d choose you over anyone else.”
“So would I.”
“Sirius, you didn’t even choose him over nobody else. This whole farce, because you’re scared, has been you prioritising everything else over Remus for a month now. And look how that’s worked out.” James snapped. “I have no idea how he can still want to be with you, honestly. I’d be gone. I’m sorry for being so blunt but you need to hear this. You fucked up. Everyone is suffering for it. Fix it.”
James picked up the tray of drinks and made his way back to the pool table. Sirius’ mouth hung open as he stared after him. After a few deep breaths, he turned and left the pub.
He leant on the wall outside, the cold air easier to breathe than the smoky haze inside. The pub door flew open and Remus rushed out, stopping dead when he saw Sirius was still there.
“What’s wrong?” Remus asked.
“Just needed some air.”
“Oh.” Remus played with the sleeve of his jumper. “Looked like quite the conversation you and Prongs were having.”
“He told me a few things I needed to hear I think.” Sirius said softly, “I don’t know. I’ve not seen him that mad at me since…”
He didn’t need to finish the sentence. ‘The Prank’ Sirius had tried to pull on Snape at the end of their fifth year which almost had catastrophic consequences for everyone involved. They were able to move past it eventually, following Remus’ lead, but while Remus became detached, James had been a ball of fury. Hearing him snap again had made Sirius’ chest clench and his palms sweaty and he just wanted to be alone but he also didn’t want Remus to leave.
“Yeah, he almost spilled the drinks setting them down. I don’t know why he’s mad at you, but he’ll come around eventually. You know he will.” Remus took a step towards him, “You’re not yourself tonight, or lately I suppose, but especially tonight.”
“Of course I am. Who else could I be?” Sirius grumbled. “You don’t need to worry about me, Moons. Go back to your date.”
Remus leant against the wall next to him, “You think I’d choose this as a date? Give me some credit.”
“No, I suppose that was Tuesday.”
“Do you really want to talk about Tuesday?” Remus asked. “What the fuck happened?”
“He was just frustrated. We sorted it out once we got back to his flat.” Sirius focused on a crack in the pavement, “It was a misunderstanding.”
“Pads…” Remus said softly.
“James said you got pissed last weekend, but you’ve almost completely stopped drinking when we go out.” Sirius looked at him out of the corner of his eye. “Is everything alright?”
Remus panicked. He hadn’t thought to come up with an excuse for why he was having two half-pints instead of his usual six or more pints. He couldn’t exactly tell Sirius that he didn’t trust himself to be around him when he was drunk anymore. But that was the long and short of it. Concealing everything that was bubbling away inside of him was much easier sober. He also reasoned that it would be much easier not to fling a curse at Bones if he wasn’t drunk.
“Yeah, fine.” Remus nodded, “Just wanted to have a few weeks off I guess. Bit of a detox or something.”
Sirius didn’t buy it, but it was clear Remus didn’t want to talk about it. Maybe it was a financial thing. “Oh, right.”
“Do you have plans tomorrow night?” Remus asked tentatively. Sirius nodded apologetically. “Oh, sorry, yeah, of course.”
“I’m free Sunday night.”
“Fancy watching a film and getting chips?” Remus' smile was hopeful. “I’ll even let you pick the film.”
“Yeah, I’d love that,” Sirius said quietly. “I’ve missed you so much.”
“Yeah.” Remus whispered, “I’ve missed you too, Pads.”
Sirius’ eyes flicked down to Remus’ mouth, much closer to him than he’d realised, and then back up to Remus’ green eyes. He opened his mouth to say something but Remus shook his head. “Moony.”
“Sirius, what are—” Sirius took a step forward and they were chest to chest. Remus could feel Sirius’ breath on his lips as their noses brushed gently, and it took every fibre of his being to not close the minuscule distance between them. He put a palm on Sirius’ clavicle and pushed gently. “You have a boyfriend.”
Remus’ quiet words pulled Sirius out of the heady stupor he’d given in to and he stepped back quickly. “Fuck. Sorry.” Remus just nodded at him with a bewildered look on his face before turning around and entering the pub. “Fuck!”
Remus strode directly to James, grabbing the arm of his shirt and pulling him away from the pool table, “I need to talk to you.”
James nodded and let Remus drag him to the men’s toilet. Making sure it was unoccupied, Remus turned to him, “What is going on with Sirius?’ James looked nervous. “You know more about this whole episode than I do. Tell me everything, now.”
“Well,” James started, “After not the last moon but the one before, I was talking to Sirius about the two of you.”
“Of course you were.”
“And I may have told him that you’d turned down dates with that muggle and Davey and I asked him why he thought that might have been. He then got worried that you were, I don’t know, denying yourself stuff because of him. I told him he was being ridiculous. The words ‘shit or get off the pot’ may have come up.” James paused, “I may have pushed him too hard.”
“Why?” Remus said in a low voice.
“I thought I was helping. The two of you were just infuriating to watch.”
“So don’t watch!” Remus snapped, “We were fine. We were happy and things were good. Just because it wasn’t up to your standards of what we should be, doesn’t mean you needed to get involved.”
“That’s probably fair,” James said. “I’m really sorry, Moony.”
“I know.” He sighed heavily. “So this whole thing with Edgar is…”
“Well, it started as a way to encourage you to date people I think. According to Lily.” James grimaced, “There was a whole thing when they went for lunch one day and Bones came over and asked him out and Lily was furious.”
“I need a minute to wrap my head around this.” Remus leaned back against the door. “So, I turn down dates. You tell Sirius. Sirius… panics, for some reason. Sirius gets with Edgar. Edgar hates me. Sirius knows this and stays with him, even though getting together with him was nothing but a chance thing to prove a point. And now we’re… I don’t even know what we are. Edgar shouted at him in the Three Broomsticks on Tuesday. Fully hit the table, shouted at him and walked out.”
“He what?”
“Yeah, I tried to talk to him about it outside and he just changed the subject. I just don’t know how to talk to him anymore. He used to tell me everything. More than I ever wanted to know, and now he seems so far away and…” Remus said. “I’m pretty sure he was about to kiss me outside if I hadn’t stopped him.”
“He what??!” James yelled, covering his mouth as Remus glared at him.
“He’s a mess, Prongs, and I don’t think he’ll let me help him. Even Benjy picked up on the weird vibes between him and Edgar, before the shouting.”
“What should I do?” James had started pacing, “The last time he listened to me, he got completely the wrong idea and this whole thing happened. I don’t trust my judgment anymore when it comes to Pads. We are going to circle back to you and Benjy being in the Three Broomsticks together, by the way.”
“James. You meddled, and this is the result.” Remus said. “You need to figure out how to fix it. Assuming that it’s fixable.”
“Moony, that’s—”
The bathroom door opened, hitting Remus in the back and he stepped aside quickly, leaving once the confused muggle had entered. James watched as Remus spoke into Benjy’s ear and the two of them left together.