Closer and Closer
When Sirius got home, he found Remus asleep on the sofa, a half-drunk cup of tea miraculously balanced on his knee. He gently took the cup and set it on the coffee table. Remus stirred slightly, a soft smile creeping over his features.
“I fell asleep on the sofa, didn’t I?” He asked hoarsely.
“You certainly did.” Sirius chuckled, “Didn’t even finish your tea.”
Remus frowned, then opened his eyes slowly, “What time is it?”
“Only half ten.” Sirius held out a hand to pull Remus to his feet, but instead, Remus pulled him down onto the sofa, partly onto Remus. “You can’t sleep here, Moons.”
“I think I’ve proven on many occasions that I can.” Remus threw an arm around Sirius’ waist. Sirius thought he might go insane. Sleepy, affectionate Moony was one of his favourite sides to his best friend.
“Fine.” He huffed, “You shouldn’t sleep here.”
“I know, but this is comfy, and you’re so warm.” Remus nuzzled his cold nose against Sirius’ neck, making him giggle. “You’re going to make me move, aren’t you.”
“Your bed is so close, and you’ll be so much comfier love.” Sirius smiled at him, “Come on.”
Remus sighed and allowed Sirius to get up, pull him to his feet and steady him with an arm around his shoulders. Remus leaned into Sirius and let himself be led to his room. Sirius sat him on the edge of his bed and looked down at him. Remus had closed his eyes and a smile teased the corners of his mouth. Sirius had the sudden urge to kiss him. It wasn't an unfamiliar urge, but it normally happened when they were drunk and dancing, or creating, and then running from, chaos together. This was a very different feeling. Softer, and more needing than wanting.
“You’re not just going to fall asleep there are you?”
Remus frowned slightly, opening his eyes defiantly, “No.” He muttered, starting to undo the buttons of his shirt. “I can put myself to bed.”
Sirius fought to keep his eyes on Remus’ face as more and more of his scarred torso came into view. “Alright then.” He touched the side of Remus’ neck gently, smiling as Remus pressed his lips to the inside of Sirius' wrist softly. “Night, Moons.”
“Night, Pads.” Remus smiled up at him sleepily as he pulled his shirt off. “Sweet dreams.”
“You too,” Sirius said as he left Remus’ room and closed the door gently behind him.
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On Tuesday night, Sirius found himself sitting with James as Lily and Pete played a very questionable game of pool. Remus had insisted that he join the others at the pub and that he was fine, he just needed to rest after the previous night.
“I’m surprised you didn’t stay at home with him and tend to his wounds some more,” James said after a short silence. “It wouldn’t bother any of us, you know, if you wanted to.”
“James.” Sirius looked at him, “We’re just friends. I’d do the same for you if your body tore itself apart and put itself back together in a ten-hour timeframe, no such luck though.”
“Oh, you’ve got jokes. Wonderful.” James rolled his eyes. “But really though, why are you not together yet?”
Sirius shrugged, “Just aren’t, are we?”
“But why?”
“Fuck, Prongs. I don’t know! We’re just not.” Sirius frowned at him. “Things are fine the way they are.”
“Are they? Or are you both purposefully dancing around each other because you’re scared? Or maybe you’re just leading Remus on.”
“You know it’s not that.” Sirius snapped. “I wouldn’t—”
“Then why has Remus turned down two dates in the last week?” James leaned back looking pretty pleased with himself.
“Remus has what?” Sirius asked, thinking maybe he misheard.
“Some muggle guy, who was actually really hot, asked him out last Friday when we were here. Then some guy at work apparently.”
“Not Davey?” Sirius tensed.
“Could be. Don’t remember. But he said no to both of them. Happens a lot, apparently. Why do you think that is, Padfoot?” He leaned his head on his hand and stared at him pointedly.
“He’s always been funny about dating, though. This isn’t necessarily about me, or us.” Sirius shook his head, “He shouldn’t be doing that. Not that I think it has to do with me, but if it was... Why wouldn’t he tell me? He told you?”
“He told Lily.” James said, “You know exactly why he didn’t tell you.”
“Well, I can't say I like that very much.”
“So ask him out.” James shrugged. “Or at least talk to him about it all.”
“Hmm.. Hard pass.”
“Then leave him alone so he can move on and date people.” James’ eyes bored into his. “Shit or get off the pot.”
“You’re disgusting.” Sirius’ nose wrinkled as he looked away.
“You know what I mean. If you’re never going to do anything about it, let him move on.” James was grinning for some reason, almost challenging him.
Sirius felt awful. He didn’t realise that Remus was holding back on living his life because of whatever was growing between them. It would be selfish to not let him explore and just enjoy being nineteen, right?
“What does letting him move on look like, do you think?” Sirius asked quietly.
James groaned, “Wrong. Try again.”
“Well, apparently the alternative is leading him on and making him miss out on things.” Sirius’ jaw was set. “So, what, do I go out with someone else to let him know that he can do the same?”
“Pads, no—”
“That could work, actually. Not that I want him to think I’m not interested, but I don’t want to hold him back if he has people who want to take him out. He should—”
“You’re misunderstanding—”
“Alright, next time someone asks me out, I’ll say yes.” He nodded.
“Even if it’s Moony?”
“It won’t be,” Sirius said flatly.
“Why can’t you just ask him out?” James ran a hand through his hair. “I don’t understand why the two of you are happy just to cuddle and flirt and not do anything about it! How have you not driven each other insane?”
“That’s just how things are.” Sirius shrugged.
“Until you bring someone else home.” James pointed out. “Or he does. That’ll change things.”
“Maybe that’s how things are meant to be, Prongs.” Sirius finished his pint. “I should probably get going.”
“Sirius!” James called after him as he left the pub, not saying goodbye to Lily and Pete.
“I think I may have made things worse.” He said when he got close to the pool table.
“What did you do?”
“Told Pads to shit or get off the pot.” He cringed.
“What a beautiful sentiment.” Lily deadpanned. “And?”
“He… seems to be about to get off the pot.”
Lily gasped, “But—”
“I know.”
“But, Remus—”
“I know!” He said. “Maybe he’ll sleep on it and realise he’s being a twat.”
“Yeah because Sirius is so well known for his self-reflection,” Pete muttered.
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Lily and Sirius often had lunch together in the Three Broomsticks when they were on the same shift. It wasn’t unusual for people to assume they were on a date, but neither of them particularly minded. The day after ‘the shit pot revelation’ as Sirius was calling it in his head, saw them eating chips together.
“Sirius Black! I thought that was you.” A voice came from behind Lily. “And Lily Evans! I didn’t know you two were together, Potter and Lupin must have been furious.”
“Not together, Lily and James are very happy. I’m just here for the chips and a nice chat with my friend.” Sirius smiled. “How are you, Edgar? Haven’t seen you since graduation.”
“Not too bad, spent six months in Germany studying trees, and now I’m apprenticing under Ollivander.” He said smugly.
“Impressive!” Lily smiled at him, but he clearly only had eyes for Sirius.
“So, if you two aren’t together, are you seeing anyone?” Oh, ok he was just going to be forward about it, apparently. “Lupin?”
“No, I’m not.” Sirius avoided Lily’s glare.
“Interesting.” He smirked, “Could you be persuaded to go for a drink with me this weekend?”
“I can’t do Friday, but I’m free any other night.” Sirius winced as Lily kicked him under the table.
“Saturday?”
Sirius nodded, “Meet you here at 8?”
“It’s a date.” Edgar winked at him. “See you then. Good seeing you, Evans.”
As he walked away, Lily muttered, “I don’t know how it was good seeing me when he didn’t look at me once.” Then she looked at Sirius, “What the fuck was that?”
“I believe that was me getting asked out by Edgar Bones.” Sirius tossed a chip into his mouth. “Didn’t see that coming.”
“Sirius.” Lily warned, “Is this because of what James said last night?”
“Oh, so everyone knows?” Sirius frowned, “What is this, the ‘Sirius and Remus Dating Alliance’?”
“If everyone knows anything it’s because you literally sit in his lap and play with his hair any chance you get.” Lily sighed, “What’s going on with you, Sirius?”
He looked at her, reluctant to open up but seeing a look in her eyes that he’d seen in Remus’ so often, ‘you can trust me, “I didn’t realise that Moony was turning people down. I don’t know why I assumed he wasn’t getting offers because he’s so… you know, Moony, about it all. But I think I probably just tried to not actively think about it. And now I am actively thinking about it and if any of it has to do with how we are with each other then I feel like I’d be a bad friend if I didn’t take a step back and give him the chance to date people who aren’t messed up. I’d be happy as we are until we figure ourselves out, I’m not fussed about dating anyone else, but I don’t like the idea of him missing out just because I’m happy as we are for now.”
Lily looked furious. “Firstly, it’s condescending as fuck to think that taking a step back will ‘give him the chance’ to date someone else. Like, you’re going to allow him to see what’s out there?”
“That’s not what I—”
“Secondly, you’re as messed up as each other and you clearly love each other so don’t even try to deny it.”
“I’m not denying that.”
She nodded, “Why can’t you just talk to each other like normal people? You like him, he likes you. You could just ask him out for a pint and kiss him in an alleyway if it’s anything like any of your other dates I’ve heard about. I don’t understand why this thing between you has to be this big deal.”
“Because other people have made it into a big deal,” Sirius said uncharacteristically quietly. “If I liked anyone else as much as I like Moony, I wouldn’t hesitate. But there’s so much pressure. He has his hang-ups about ‘moon stuff’” he mouthed, “And then there’s you, James, Pete, Marlene always asking when it’s going to happen. What if it never does? What if it does and it ends horribly and we hurt each other and can never be in each other’s presence again?”
“Sirius, I don’t think—”
“Because yeah I think there’s a good chance we’d be good together. But we’re nineteen, and not everyone is like you and James where you’re going to marry your Hogwarts sweetheart and live happily ever after. If it was that easy, everyone at Hogwarts’ family would be as inbred as mine!” He sighed, “I think, what I’m saying is, it would be good for both of us to explore possibilities before jumping into anything.”
“I really don’t understand you sometimes.” She took the last chip just before he could grab it. “This isn’t going to end well, and when Remus comes crying to me, I’m going to send him your way, because this idiocy is on you.”
She stood up and strode out of the pub, leaving Sirius blinking at the spot where she’d just been.
🌙✨🌙✨🌙
When Sirius got home that evening, the only light on was the soft glow coming from under Remus’ door. Usually, Remus would be waiting for him on the sofa with a cup of tea and they’d watch whatever nonsense was on muggle telly for a bit before heading to bed.
He knocked on Remus’ door.
“What?” Ok, he was grumpy. Maybe a cuddle would help.
“You alright, Moons?” Sirius asked through the door. “Need anything?”
“I’m fine.”
After realising that was all Remus was going to say, Sirius frowned. “Oh, ok. Night then.”
“Goodnight.”
He was going to kill Lily.
Remus heard Sirius’ bedroom door shut and lay back down on his bed. He was grateful that for once, Sirius hadn’t insisted on coming in and checking on him. He didn’t need Sirius to see his puffy eyes and tear-swollen, blotchy cheeks. He was being utterly ridiculous, and he knew it. He rolled onto his front and pressed his face into his pillow.
Lily had stopped by after work and nervously told him that Sirius was going out with Edgar Bones on Saturday night. Remus didn’t know how he was supposed to react to that. His first instinct was genuine shock. People threw themselves at Sirius all the time, but it had been ages since he’d indulged anyone. Actually, now that he thought about it, Sirius had never brought anyone back to their flat. Neither had Remus, to be fair.
Maybe Sirius just really fancied Edgar Bones, and he hadn’t fancied any of the other people who’d asked him out. But, Edgar Bones? He’d been in Remus’ study group for a while, and Remus had found him tedious and a little smarmy. Sirius had his pick of anyone and he went for Bones?
Lily had looked at him like she’d just broken the news of a life-changing diagnosis to him. He suspected that he wasn’t getting the full story, but also that he probably didn’t want it. As she watched him closely for a reaction, he didn’t know what to say.
“I see.” He settled on, eventually. “Well, that settles that then, doesn’t it?”
“Remus.”
“I’ll be fine. Maybe I’ll take Davey up on that date after all.” He smiled, knowing Lily would be able to tell that it didn’t meet his eyes and spot the lack of a dimple in his right cheek, but not having the energy to care.
“I’m sorry.” She said quietly. “None of us saw this coming.”
It felt very final.