Warpaint

Bee

The rest of the holiday went down without too much fuss. I think I ate more than I ever had in my life before. Lavender's food was too good for the moderation that I used to live by. My dad had seemed different too. I think part of it he ditched the suit in favour of a pair of jeans. They were designer though. He hadn't made the change to rugged countryman just yet. 

Madi was due to arrive today for the last few days of holidays. I didn't know how to feel when Seamus said Dean would be popped by with Madi. Dean and Seamus had friends before my dad met either of them. It meant that I had known Madi since before Hogwarts too. It seemed simple back then. As she arrived, I hugged her and I really meant it. Lavender and Kinsley were making lunch so Madi and I  sat in the living room with coffee and cake. 

"Why have you been acting so weird recently?" she asked after a brief pause. I could tell that it was a question that she had been dying to ask for a while now. 

"Mum dying has just made me question my whole life. A handbag can only make me so happy." I sighed.

I don't know if I'm really ready for this conversation. Madi and I have been friends for a long time now. I don't know if I can throw away that all.  If I didn't have Lou and Madi as best friends then I wouldn't have any real friends. I'm friendly with a lot of people. I have admirers but friends? I don't know.

I've ruined any chance at a friendship with Albus by sending that bloody letter. 

"Maybe you're not shopping at the right places,"

I felt a ghost of a smile play on my lips. It was the perfect diva comment. It was completely and utterly the wrong comment but I appreciated it's brilliance. 

"I just feel like I've handled my privilege so badly. Don't you ever feel that way?"

"I don't think I have the same privilege."

Madi is mostly adorable but this is the heart of her slight distance from Lou and I. Madi has issues around having parents that were never together. I think it just makes her look at things slightly different. It sounds awful but I think it's why she has such weird relationships with guys. She gets invested very quickly. She had picked some really shitty guys to go out with. 

She has a good relationship with parents though. Her dad adores her.  She had a better relationship with her dad than I have with mine. I feel like she is playing the victim though because facing shit like this is tough. We were privileged. It was something so ingrained in the fabric of the people we are that I never even saw it before now. My mother may have tried to make me humble but she had failed. It was crushing to know one of the things she wanted for me most was never achieved in her lifetime. She would never get to see me change. She died with a vision of a spoiled and rude daughter. My only comfort was that I knew she believed that I could do better. 

"Not this again. I know your parents aren't together but it doesn't change the fact that you have a trust fund and are wearing a pair of shoes that is as much as someone's rent,"

2000 galleons to be exact. I know because I own them in red. 

"You act like being rich is a bad thing,"

"I think it's how people treat wealth is the bad thing,"

Damn. This conversation is taking a really serious turn. 

"How much does your handbag cost again?"

"I'm not saying I'm perfect. I know I'm guilty too but I want to be different."

"Does that mean you have to leave your friends behind?"

"I honestly don't know what to do."

"She's not going to let you leave but you know that don't you?"

"Lou has never made things easy for anyone."

"She loves you."

"In her own twisted way."

The desire to smoke again had reached fever pitch. Why does it keep happening to me? I'm a stress smoker. Is that normal? 

If I run up to my room then I could probably get a quick smoke out of the window before lunch. I told Madi that I was going to the bathroom having left the conversation on a very strange note. I think I just basically admitted that I wasn't sure if I wanted to be friends with them anymore. She replied with a threat. Whatever I'm part of, it's toxic as hell. 

I saw a handsome owl that hadn't been there when I left. 

I recognised that handwriting. 

It was the letter from Albus. 

All thoughts of cigarettes seem to fade from my mind as I stared intensely at the feathered creature in front of me. The bird seemed to look back at me with piercing eyes. I felt uncomfortable at its gaze. 

I can't deal with this right now. 

Why did I never tell my mum about boys?

She often asked but I was coy. I think I didn't want to admit that there were lots of them. Everyone liked me but I didn't really like any of them. I didn't want her to know how shallow I was. I only picked the pretty ones. I couldn't fake excitement over these boys for her. Now I can't even seek advice from her about this situation. I was alone. 

In truth, Albus terrified me because I couldn't guess what he was going to do next. I had pretty much known how boys act around me. They never surprise me. I always went for the same type of guy because they were safe even the bad boys. I was so accustomed to getting my own way. I didn't know what was in that letter. This situation was beyond anything that I had dealt with before. 

Albus Potter is my wild card.

*

The Potters' house is amazing. 

I wasn't easily impressed either. Ginny Potter had good taste. The house had the air of a cute country cottage. It was really a large attractive stone property with a wealth of pink roses that covered the front of the house. There was something slightly imposing but still homely about it. I remember thinking that the first time that I came to the house too. Perhaps the magic of the house was that it made you look twice. 

The house was alive tonight. I could hear the music pumping out from the building at some distance. I wasn't sure about coming tonight. My family thought it was a good idea for me to relax. They had no idea that this version of relaxing would make me feel quite so on edge as this situation made me feel. I knew parties though. I loved parties. Maybe it was just the ideal time to get drunk and chain smoke in the back garden away from most of the others. That's what I felt like right now. Lou had Potter so I doubt that she would notice that I was missing. Most of their antics should be in a private room.

"This is the right way to see in the new year!" Lou said happily as the three of us made our way up the gravel drive. I was more focused on the fact that the heels of my shoes were sinking, making me do a weird hobble. 

"Woo!" Madi giggled. "Just keep James and Bee from getting into another shots competition otherwise we won't make it to midnight."

I liked the sound of beating him. I liked the feeling of beating him much more though. It would be pretty easy to trap him into a competition with me. Perhaps that's a new plan for this evening. Perhaps pushing all my worries out of the way with a not so friendly game. I think beating Potter was the best type of happiness that I could hope for right now. Albus' unopened letter in my clutch bag flashed across my mind briefly. 

"Bee is on her best behavior," 

"I'm not the one who set fire to the pool table in a fit of drunken rage like last time," I shot back. That was one of the more dramatic break ups. In truth, I'm not exactly sure if that was Lou or Potter. 

"That was a misunderstanding."

"That's why you should stick to your pink coconut ice cocktails and I'll handle the old fashioneds."

She laughed. I linked my arm with her as we walked up towards the house. 

"Deal"

*

A few hours later, the night wasn't going too badly if truth be told. It felt a little emptier than it had before but the drinks and music were doing their job. Lou, Madi and I hung out a little more than I had expected. It was fun. Lou had forced three pink coconut on me. I don't know how she could possibly drink something so full sugar. I couldn't deny that my tastes were more bittersweet. I had kept up my end of the deal by keeping the old fashions to myself though. 

It felt good to be outside now. The party was raging but I needed a bit of time. The cold air hit me and I savoured how it felt against my skin. Surprisingly there didn't seem to be many people around out here.  It was really bloody cold though. I felt comfortable but I was certainly not dressed for the weather. 

Why could I never find a lighter when I needed one?

I tipped out the content of the clutch looking for it. Why did I take so much stuff to this party?

Lipstick.

Nail file

fourteen knuts. (what could I buy with that?)

Gum

The letter. 

I spotted the lighter. I'm glad that I hadn't lost it somewhere. It's my favourite one. Suddenly I felt a presence. Someone was staring down at me. I looked up into a familiar pair of emerald eyes. I think I forgot how to breathe properly. 

"What are you doing here?" I asked 

"I live here"

I wanted to crawl into a hole at the moment. I was too embarrassed. Of course he lived here.  I was out of my depth with this conversation already. I still didn't know what was in that letter. He hadn't sent another. That wasn't a good sign right?

This is why I don't share my feelings more. I just blurb out my feelings at random points in time before my brain catches up with my mouth. I had time with that letter. I should have come to my senses. 

"Your letter. I didn't look at it." I admitted suddenly. I needed to get it off my chest. There was a weird energy between us. I wasn't sure if I liked it or not. 

"Why?"

"I didn't want to lose you. I didn't want to realise that I spoiled our friendship. A lot of reasons I suppose,"

"I wish that you had opened it because I wouldn't have to stand here repeating all the embarrassing things I wrote in that letter."

"What do you mean?"

"For someone so cool, you're a bit of a dork, of course, I feel the same way about you."

"Really?"

"Let me show you,"

I just nodded like a mindless idiot.

The clock hit midnight and his lips were on mine. 

I had a lot of first kisses before but this was unlike anything that I had felt before. It was a bit nervous but soon soft and sweet. I felt myself just melt into that moment. Into him. This chess loving slytherin made me go weak at the knees. 

As soon his lips left mine then reality hit me.

Lou. 

This was not definitely not my promise of staying away from Albus Potter. 

I have to leave right now. 

Why am I like this?

*

Albus 

"LILY! HAVE YOU TAKEN MY QUIDDITCH GLOVES AGAIN?"

"NO! WHY DON'T YOU TIDY YOUR ROOM BETTER, YOU'LL PROBABLY FIND THEM YOU MORON"

"MUM!"

It's Christmas day before 8am. Why is my family like this? Why would you need gloves right now anyway? 

Could I be selfish by staying in bed for another hour? Who I am kidding? I'm going to get up now. I could already hear the house buzzing with excitement. 

The others were probably already here. 

It was a hive of noises downstairs. Everyone is already there. We're going to be opening presents and having a light breakfast here. Everyone will pile over to the Burrow in a couple of hours for the christmas lunch. James is already helping out, Celine, who is a very excitable three year old with handing out the presents. Teddy and Vic look happy to have someone else watch over her. 

It's moments like these that I get confused about who James really is. He loved Celine more than pretty much anything. He was kind and patient when she was around. I want to think that she brings out the real James. It seemed that this version of James was reserved only for her though. I wish he was able to access that side of him on a more regular basis. Maybe it's the same James that lent me his history of magic notes. 

I had predicted that once again that I had been given more socks than I knew what to do with. Why did they have to be such bright colours? Who needs socks like this? 

I was curled up in my favourite chair in the living room at the burrow. It was so comfy. You can just sink into it.  I had one of my few non-sock related presents open in front of me. The autobiography of Vladimir Ivanov which was subtitled ‘Chess God'. I wanted to believe that he was humble enough not to have picked the title himself. I wasn't going to disagree with it though. 

Dad came over at that moment. I edged up the chair to make room for him. I love the chair but I hate that it is designed for two people. 

"I hate how we left things. I think I've been trying to get the courage to speak to you though." he said "I'm sorry for the argument,"

This was new.

"I'm not going on any potions," I countered.

Was dad really sorry?

"I don't want to talk to you about potions. I think we realised that was a poorly judged move but it was from a loving place. Your mother and I have been talking. We're decided thanks to you that we're going to go to therapy,"

"Therapy?" 

"We want to get better for you. We've obviously been hurting you in ways we never knew. We want you to join us. Before you say, I mean all of us as a family. James and Lily included."

My parents were taking me seriously. This was big, very big. Could I trust that it wasn't another way to get me ‘help'?

I do. 

My family had been broken for a long time. The first steps to fix it could only be more pain that we could handle. Memories had haunted us.  Maybe they were too powerful. I had started something that I wasn't sure I could follow through. Maybe I needed to try. 

"I don't know what to say,"

"You don't have to answer yet but it's your bravery that led me to this decision. I know I said we're doing for you but I need it for me too. I didn't think that I could be strong enough to do this. You made me know that I am," 

"I'll come,"

"Thank you for everything."

I didn't know what to say. I was glad that moment I heard my mum called ‘Harry!' from the other room. The conversation really left me reeling. He gave me a small smile before departing to see what mum wanted. I didn't have much time to process the conversation. I figured that I would have plenty of time to relive this in my head anyway. 

"Dinner is ready!" came the cheery voice of Nana Molly

I had to admit that my family knew good food. I felt like my parents hadn't mentioned anything about our discussion to anyone else yet. It was happy and calm until Molly announced that she was quitting her job to go to Cambodia with her girlfriend in two days' time. I didn't even realise Molly had managed to hold on to a job or that she wasn't seeing Lorcan anymore. Lily was staring rather evilly as Louis was this year's biggest bet winner. Louis was looking rather amused as Percy's face grew redder and redder by the second.

There was something quite calming about Christmas turning into a disaster. It was expected. It was a tradition of the family. I had an odd rush of feeling at home. Today had been a big day which promised a lot of change. It was scary so sitting here in the midst of chaos was relaxing. I tucked into my potatoes prepared to enjoy the show. 

"I'm twenty-one! I'm not a child!" 

Home sweet home eh?

I headed to my room after dinner. I was feeling alright about the family but at the same time I needed my space. I thought perhaps Scorpius might have written me back. Technology was amazing but you can't really beat a hand written letter. At least I would need to tell him about what dad had told me and that his cheeky bet on Lucy hadn't worked out. 

An owl was waiting for me but it wasn't Scorpius'. It was Bee. The neat and loopy handwriting confirmed it. 

It's what I wanted more than anything though. I needed to believe that she was thinking about me too. It wasn't over. I wanted to know that I meant something to her. My questions were about to be answered. Was I ready?

I ripped open the letter. It was only short. 

She likes me?

Woah.

How is this possible? Is she crazy?

She had pretty much totally described the way I felt about her though. The idea that she might like me had only entered my head in vague ways. It was a tiny voice that sometimes appeared mainly after a conversation with Scorpius so finding out like it was real just hit me like a ton of bricks. 

She likes me.

Suddenly, I felt completely inspired and began to write a story that had been in my head for a while now. 

*

Mum insisted that I should invite Scorpius and Rose around for the party. She said that James was having a few friends so it showed a gesture that I was serious about our family's pact to be more inclusive. I needed to make an effort to understand him more. He would do the same for me. I didn't think my mum was that naive because she knew James had lots of friends. It was going to be a huge party. The house would be packed.

 I wouldn't even see James let alone talk to him. I could go downstairs for an hour so I could say to mum in good conscience that I tried it her way. I guess I don't really see change coming from me attending a party but I might have a fire whiskey. James drank those in an effort to be more manly or something. Maybe not. 

I don't really want to associate with a load of drunk randoms wandering around my house. I don't get a choice. At least Rose and Scorpius will make this bearable.

"Do you think I should try fire whisky?" I mused 

"Who are you? My dad?" Scorpius snorted. Rose laughed too. 

A fire whisky in one hand is part of Draco's brand. I don't think we're toasting over a bottle over an aged whisky anytime soon. Draco is awesome but there is a little part of me that is a bit intimidated by him in the nicest possible way. It's just that brooding look in his eye when you don't know quite what he is thinking. 

"The party won't be so bad that you need to drink your way through it," Rose encouraged. The music from downstairs was already making me anxious. 

"Yes, we agreed an hour downstairs then we'll just come back here." Scorpius confirmed the plans. 

"Thanks, guys,"

I love my friends. 

"You know my grandparents brought me a tv," Scorpius announced suddenly. He decided that we need a change of subject.

It was the first thing that he had really mentioned his winter break. I had decided to wait for him to bring it up. He had been acting quite normal so I assumed that it had gone quite well. His revelation seemed to confirm this.

"You already own one." 

I pointed out. 

"I mean like a muggle one. Dad told them I am into muggle things. They seem accepting."

"That's really great," I said 

"Erm, yes, great." Rose said not meeting Scorpius' gaze. I felt another pang of annoyance towards Rose. Maybe I don't know the whole picture but her attitude is driving me crazy. 

"Rose, just be a friend. We can talk more about this later." he gave her a meaningful look before adding "Let's go downstairs and awkwardly dance to some shitty music in the name of family,"

"Does there have to be dancing?" I asked. 

This is why I don't do parties, I don't do dancing ever. I don't need to come up with new ways to embarrass myself. I'm already pretty good at it. 

"You might have some fun!"

"Or at least everyone else will be drunk enough not to notice you," Scorpius grinned.

"An hour?"

"Promise"

"Fine, let's go!" 

Bee was going to be downstairs somewhere wasn't she?

I think the reason that I'm quite as on edge is because I know she's going to be there. I don't know what's going on between us. I wrote to her back like she wanted but she never answered. Where does that leave me?

I can't tear myself apart but I want to see her. 

I'm just terrified. 

*

She ran away. That's not good. This is probably the worst thing that has ever happened. Why didn't I just go back upstairs after an hour? Why did I need to look for her?

She sent me that letter. She kissed me back. It has to mean something right? Why did she run away?

Would I make it worse if I followed her?

Too many questions! 

I always felt safe with her before. Whatever just happened scared me. I guess I had finally put myself out there. It was never going to be that easy. I told her that I liked her like it was the easiest thing in the world. I was able to kiss her without a moment of doubt. I don't do those things. Someone who made me feel like that was worth fighting for. I needed to find her to figure out what is going on because I could stand here ripping my hair out, just wondering what went wrong or I could take this situation into my own hands. I choose the latter. 

Perhaps I should find Scorpius first though. It didn't hurt to have a bit of emotional support at a time like this. Perhaps I  just need a bit of hyping up as I march towards potentially getting my heart ripped out. Bee could have gone by the time I found Scorpius though. Maybe I'll just look for them both and see what happens. I couldn't help but rub my arms wishing that prickly sensation would go away. It never did. Just focus on Bee right now.  

It was official. I really hated parties. It was so loud and dark in here. I wasn't going to find anyone. Rose and Scorpius seemed to have disappeared off the face of the earth. They had just been milling around on the edge of the dancefloor like the awkward individuals they are when I left. There was no sign of them or Bee anywhere. 

I just picked up the nearest cup and downed the content in a wild frustration.  

Oh god. That was disgusting.

Is that what I'm missing out on by not drinking? 

It didn't help my current situation but I'm really glad that I wasn't really missing out on anything amazing. I'll just drink some paint stripper next time I fancy a drink. It would probably taste a lot better. Maybe you had to drink a lot for it to start tasting good?

I wasn't going to test my new theory. 

Maybe I should just check my room. We did agree to meet there but we said that we would be downstairs for an hour. It was two and half hours later. It was worth a try though as I couldn't see them anywhere here. I could check the dining room which was currently being used for beer pong first though. 

The dining room had proved unsuccessful so I started pushing my way through the packed stairs to reach the first floor. There were still so many people up here. James is going to be in some much trouble if anyone goes near mum and dad's bedroom. I was starting to think that I should have locked my door. 

I hate to think about what's happening in my room right now considering the noises coming from the nearby bathroom. I climbed the stairs to the next floor. It was pretty much empty here. I was starting to feel a little better. 

I opened the door. 

Someone was in my room but it wasn't Rose and Scorpius.