Warpaint

Bee

When I finally got back to my dormitory. I realised that I was alone for the first time in a long time. I had managed to surround myself with people. I think to avoid thinking about anything that I was going on in my life. I seem to spend more time with Albus than anyone else at the moment, I looked over package on the bed. It was believably a present for Lou, the packaging was obviously expensive with a clear stamp declaring the package had come from Milan in Italy. It could just have easily been a new handbag or a set of fancy perfumes. 

I carefully untie the ribbon which was a striking royal purple from around the large box with a twist of excitement in my stomach. I can't remember the last time that I had been this excited about something that didn't involve handbags or shoes. I lifted the top from the box which revealed pale gold tissue paper which covered the item. I unwrapped them in awe, the carefully crafted wooden chess pieces were beautiful. 

I admired the way Albus was able to play with his pieces. I thought the bond between player and pieces was amazing. He looked so alive in his victories, I had never cared for chess before. I had never even thought about it before. He seemed to make it interesting though. I could see that sparkle in his eye and the way he seemed to swagger around because he felt like someone special. I doubt he realised that he was something special with or without chess. He had the skill to make things that I hadn't dreamt of engaging. I wanted to play him and beat him. It wasn't until I had ordered the pieces that I realised how much I enjoyed playing with him.

It didn't feel complicated when I was with him but it only felt like being away from him. Lou would probably have a heart attack if I admitted to knowing his name. I couldn't really tell her because I wasn't strong enough to cope with the drama that it might cause. I didn't want any drama, I like him being my new friend. He had made me question a lot and I learnt some much for him in the last month. 

I remember why I didn't spend a lot of time alone anymore. I decided I needed a cigarette. It's a terrible habit that mum would absolutely hate. I had only been socially smoking since the summer. I decided to bring a pack with me to school which had remained untouched until now. I lit it.

 I shouldn't let my emotions build up so much in this way because when they catch up with me. I feel like I'm being crushed by them. I inhaled. My mum always there in my head. The idea that I was failing her as I swam in my own pool of bad decisions was always at the back of my mind. I exhaled. 

"te haré sentirte orgullosa de mí"

I spoke the words but I wasn't quite sure I believe it. I didn't want to lie to her. My language has become more important to me recently. my dad was Spanish and my mum was Filipino so when I was growing up, we used Spanish as our common language a lot of the time. I guess recently I've fallen back on it again because it feels special like other languages were not hugely common at Hogwarts. I felt like I could say whatever I was on my mind and no-one would ever know. I can't say that I had ever spent much time talking to myself before but I guess I was really talking to her. I really hoped that she could hear me because I really need her to know some of the things that I've never got to say before or things I never said enough.

"te amo" 

"Oh, is that a present for me?" Lou giggled entering the dorm throwing her bag on her bed. "Don't tell me! I like surprises!"

Lou's declaration that she loved surprises wasn't unusual but it was totally false. I would need to move my new chess set before she sneaked a look before her birthday. She doesn't have enough chill to wait three days. I know her.  

"Are you going to give me one then?"

It was more an order than a question. I handed her the packet. 

Before I had a chance to comeback at Lou, Rose Weasley entered. They are so many times that I wish she was in Ravenclaw but I guess I wouldn't want to inflict her on Madi though. She looked rather scandalized at the sight of the cigarettes. How sheltered was this girl's life?

"Smoking?!" 

"Why do you want one?" Lou drawled as she smugly lit her own up. This wasn't going to end well at all.

"I should report you both!" she said adding "Foresteiri, you stink. You need to get yourself together because you're a mess and it's embarrassing" 

That wasn't even in the top ten of horrible things that she has said to me but I felt very attacked right now.

"What did you just say to her?" Lou demanded advantaging dangerously towards Weasley.

"Don't rise to her but remember Weasley that Malfoy is never going to shag you if you're that uptight"

I stubbed out the cigarette.

The old Bee was in there somewhere obviously. I thought  that I was passed that trash talking but she is a special case. Maybe I'm just not as nice as I thought. It was too satisfying. Perhaps I haven't changed at all. I think bringing up Malfoy was a mistake though. So last year we found out that Malfoy is her weakness. You just have to mention him and she goes really weird like she had forgotten how to function properly. She gives as good as she gets with us but she has no comeback to that. It takes the fun out of the argument but Lou was in bloodhound mode so I knew she could rip Weasley to shreds. 

"I don't-i mean it's not like that!"

The girl got it bad.

"Well that's a good thing because he is coming to my party and I think that I know someone who is interested in him" Lou announced 

"He wouldn't come to something you organised!"

"Wanna bet?"

*

"Why won't let you let me invite Scorpius Malfoy?" pouted Lou

"Because I said so!" I snapped

"Aw, you're no fun anymore"

This party was going to be amazing. I did not want any complications like Lou's casual revenge plan. The safest place for Malfoy was far away from this party. I was pleased with the results, honestly I had outdone myself, it looked perfect. The guestlist would be big but the VIP section would keep it classy for Lou. She adored the fact that I had made the dresscode a strict black and white while she would wear a fantastic hot pink dress that she had sent over from Paris after trying it on over the summer. 

"Happy Birthday!" We chroused happily

I think happily was maybe an exaggeration but I promised myself today that I would suck it up and have fun on my best friend's birthday.

I think I would always feel on edge until Lou hit her fun drunk sweet spot though. We just needed to push through angry and sad phrases first. I would kill Potter if he ruined this party. I would even kill Lou if she ruined this party. I don't recall normally feeling quite this stressed when I party plan. I felt with a pang that this party had been a great cover for tutoring Albus. Lou never asked questions because she always presumed that I was up to something that benefited her. 

There was going to be a lot more lying from now on. 

The general Hogwarts population was coming in thick and fast. I can't help but get a bit of thrill as I see their faces look around in awe at what I had created. The bar was filling up nicely, the two bartenders that I hired were earning their galleons. People will do anything when you're rich enough. 

I spotted someone in the crowd. I had been meaning to speak to her but I chickened out because I didn't know what to say. I don't know how to react around people that I've been vulnerable with. She knows things about me that not even Ethan know. It made me feel uncomfortable. She was harmless though. She was looking surprisingly stylish in a black fifties style dress with white sash. 

I could do this. 

Just keep it light and casual. 

"Tammi!"

"Oh, hi, Bee!"

"I'm just letting you know that I got you hooked up with drinks all night, Tyler and Drake will serve you first."

"That's great, thank you!" then added, "Oh, I thought you might like my address, you don't have to but if you wanted someone to talk to over the Christmas holidays. If you did then I love receiving letters"

Damn. Am I a charity case? Is she being just nice?

I only nodded and excused myself from the situation hasily. I decided to keep the address. I don't really write letters but it might come in handy. I looked back to see Tammi beaming as an assortment of brightly coloured drinks were being served to her and her friends.

*

 Lou had sailed through her angry and sad phrases pretty well for her. It was time to relax. I blow a kiss at the Hufflepuff beaters that we had hired as extra protection for the VIPs section as I strolled passed them.

It was an odd feeling when everyone around you is drunk. I had my first proper drink clutched in my hand. 

"Bee! There you are!" 

I think it was that moment that I realised that I didn't really want him around anymore. He hadn't done anything wrong exactly but over the last few weeks I found myself drifting further away. Maybe we should just have left things in the summer when everything looked so much glossier. 

"Oh, erm, hi"

"Bee! You haven't wanted to spend any time together recently, what's wrong?"

"It's not you, it's me"

I wanted to hit myself in the face. What a ridiculous cliche.

"Are you kidding me? That's all you have to say?" he said furiously as he lost his quiet confusion which was replaced with what could only be described as rage. 

"Can we please talk about it later?"

"I chased you. I jumped through hoops to be with you. I was patient!"

All of this was true but I couldn't just accept that he own me now.  He should have been doing those things because he liked me not because I was a prize to be won. If I was honest then we had only ever been a game. Chase had always been the fun part. 

 " You can't do this to me" he declared marching up and down "you just can't!"

I was so glad that no-one else was currently here. I didn't need any footage of this conversation hitting the headlines. Ethan had always been a winner. He didn't know what to do with anything else. After spending my time obsessing over it maybe it would be us that ruined the party. 

"You know what I've changed my mind! It is you, not me." I said feeling temperature rising by the second "Don't act like I owe you anything either"

"Are you a sociopath?" he demanded at me. "you seem to get off on hurting people"

"I think your god complex has come tumbling down around you. The only thing that is hurt is your ego."

So this had turned into a screaming match quicker than anyone could have predicted. Why now? I think my brain has a sixth sense for drama that it just erupts out of me to given the most high profile moment. Things were never simple. Does drama find me or do I just create it effortlessly? Maybe I just need to get myself out of this situation. If I chose to stop that I'm actively breaking the cycle. That counts for something right?

"Bianca Foresteri is talking to me about having a god complex?" he laughed hallowly "You invented the term, love. I think you're so perfect because people keep feeding your ego and bending over backwards but in the end, you're not worth it, you're not worth anything"

He was doing this to be nasty because I did hurt his pride. I didn't want to admit that he was probably right. Maybe I wasn't worth anything but I wasn't going to stand here and be spoken to like that.

"You really are a bad loser, we've finished"

He stormed off. 

What should I do?

I could stay and get really drunk.

Or leave. 

I took my phone out of my bag to text Albus. It's the only thing that made sense to me. 

*

I tried not to feel impatient waiting. I swigged down some fire whisky that I hastily grabbed from the party. I hate the stuff but I need something to take the edge off tonight's events. I can't believe that I broke up with Ethan. How he spoke to me. I hated how quickly I was questioning my worth. It was completely alien to me.

no one can make you feel inferior without your consent

The echo of the advice that I had given to Albus all those weeks ago. I need to follow my own advice badly.

I stared up at the stars above. The stars were so beautiful yet something we took for granted. I don't think I have ever stopped to appreciate them. I think looking up at them that they produced a sudden sense of wonder in me. I wish I took astronomy so I could make some logical sense out of them but maybe sometimes things didn't need to make any sense. They're amazing because that's the way things are meant to be. 

"Can I join you?" said a voice from above me.

Albus.

He bent down to join me if my lying position on the floor. We stared up the stars together. He turned to look at me.

"Beautiful, aren't they?"

Suddenly, I felt more vulnerable than I had in a long time. I don't ever remember feeling like before in fact. It felt like he was looking into my soul. I can't believe that I've even thought that but my mind is muddled under his emerald gaze. He is just a boy. That's all. I don't need another boy in my life. 

How can I not fall for someone like him though?

Someone who builds you up to be the best that you can be. Someone who kindness is unlimited. Someone who makes you smile when you think about them.

No. No. No.

We're too different.  

We're friends, best friends.

You're not good enough for him.

Damn. Sometimes my brain just dishes out a reality check. Albus was so much better than I was. My feelings could mess up everything if I'm not careful. I can't let that happen. Do I even have feelings for him? What is wrong with me? 

What is wrong with me seems like an all too common thought at the moment. 

He wouldn't be interested anyway.

My brain needs to shut down. 

I want to kiss him. 

Don't do this. 

"My mum died," I said. It hadn't planned to say that but it was probably for the best. I was about to do something very stupid. My brain had saved me somehow. I knew Albus would understand. "That's why I was off school for a couple of weeks early in the year"

"I bet she was an amazing lady" he said in an almost fond way that made me just want to hug him and never let go.

"You can't tell anyone though because I can't stand people knowing."

"I promise you, no-one will hear it from me."

I believed him. I didn't feel worried or scared when I had told Tammi. I felt safe. He made me feel like that. I don't know what more I could want. We talked and laughed for hours and hours. It was the middle of the night when I creeped back to my dormitory. I was going to have to deal with so much fall out in the morning but right now I'm smiling.  

*

Albus

I don't believe my eyes.

James had just sat down at the Slytherin table like it's nothing. It's my free period so the table is basically empty. I don't remember a time when James has just so boldly approached me at school. It's not really something that we do. The only reason I could imagine why he would be here which there was some family disaster. James' face didn't seem like this situation was an emergency though.

"Why are you staring at me?"

"You're at the Slytherin table." I stated

"Thank you, captain obvious." he said as rolled his eyes. Yeah, there isn't anything wrong. Just James being James. It was comforting honestly. 

"What do you want?" I asked as I had I know

"You haven't been answering my texts"

"I've been busy"

I don't think that was very believable. I couldn't say that I was trying to be strong and not jump through hoops for other people. It's not a conversation that I was ready for. 

"Whatever. I just wanted to bring you these"

He slipped a notebook. I looked at the book that he had given me. I felt a twist in my stomach as I looked at the outside of the slim notebook. I had a feeling that I didn't really want to open this. Sometimes I feel James is such a horrible person that I would just never understand him. However his gesture proves that he wasn't all bad, James seems to spend his time playing up to his audience. I think he believed his own hype most of the time. He was a lot better when he was just being himself. I had the feeling that he isn't totally sure who that person is. That's the only problem.

"Thank you, I really appreciate this" 

"I need it back before Thursday though"

He had already walked away but I was still wondering what had happened. It must be something quite serious for him to seek me out like this. I thought about skipping my next class so I could read but I thought that I shouldn't miss Charms especially as I've started making progress in the subject recently. I decided to just slide James' History of Magic notes into my bag instead.

*

I think that it had reached a new low in my relationship with Neville as he decided that he needed to see me after class because I was late. I have never been late for anything which Neville knows. I always had problems with confrontation because I never knew what to say or how to get my feelings across without upsetting someone else. I think I really hurt his feelings last time we spoke. I admit to walking the other way in the corridor a few times when I had seen him coming. I got a letter from mum demanding to know what happened but I didn't reply. I can only assume that dad has persuaded her to give me some space because I didn't receive a second. 

My concentration was ruined for the class. I wonder what Neville is going to say? Maybe he doesn't want to be my godfather anymore? Is that something people do? Give up their godchildren? Perhaps he hated me. He was hardly going to tell me that he cared after I was so rude to him. I think I feel a bit sick.

Neville had finally decided to do something. I guess he figured out that running down the corridor after me wasn't a very dignified way for a Professor to act. I regretted running. I didn't want to run but I didn't want to sucked into my life returning to ‘normal'. No control. I wanted change but I think I did know deep down that I wasn't going about in the right way. Neville wasn't the enemy.

It was the end of the class all too soon. I wondered if I should just leave. I could slip by and he wouldn't notice until it was too late. It was a terrible idea. I settled for shuffling my feet around awkwardly while I waited for everyone to leave.

"I wish I didn't have to call you out in class so I could talk to you" he began. His level of eye contact was freaking me out. Why wasn't he blinking?

"I don't know what you mean, I've been busy" 

He just gave me a look that just said ‘cut the crap'. Why does no-one believe me when I say I've been busy? It's not true but people should at least entertain the idea of believing me, right?

"I see you don't want to make this easy so I'll say that I miss you"

What could I say to that?

 I was mad at him but he was my godfather and I loved hanging out with him. I haven't switched off my feelings. I was just doing a crap job at handling them properly. 

"I miss you too" I conceded 

"Albus, my actions were obviously misjudged. I thought it was helping you but I realise that I was betraying your privacy which is unacceptable."

"I just wanted you to trust me to live my life. Let me make mistakes or bad decisions knowing that they are my choices to make." 

"You don't have to say anything but how about we get together for a game of chess next week?"

The idea sounded appealing. Neville had always been my closest rival when it came to chess. Bee was a quick learner but she wasn't quite there yet so it just wasn't the same as a battle with Neville.

"Just chess?"

"Shall we say next Tuesday then?" 

I nodded and Neville's face split into a smile. I felt a lot better for this conversation now. It was a start at a new type of relationship between the two of us. I hope it worked out. 

*

I was trying not to let it bother me. I had been in the girls' dormitory a lot before. Rose often required company when her roommates were at parties but it felt like I shouldn't be here now. This dormitory was Bee's personal space. I had never paid any attention to the room before but I couldn't help my eyes flicking over to Bee's side of the room. 

I don't know what made me feel weird about the fact that I was in Bee's room or the fact that Griezmann's bed had became a shrine to my brother. I've never seen so many photos of James before. Our mother doesn't even have this many photos of him. I don't know what where to look in this room now. We need a new place to hang out, desperately. 

"Albus! Pay attention! It's your turn!" Rose instructed.

I just smiled and throw down a card onto the pile. She was so bossy but there was something about the warmth in her voice that just made me smile. She was difficult at the best times but I don't think I could ask for a best friend. She could probably stand to be a bit more chilled out though. I was still unable to get my head around keeping her keeping a secret from Scorpius. It seemed such a silly thing. I don't understand girls sometimes, alright, most of the time.

"Pass the chocolate frogs, Scor" I asked as the large bag was closest to him. It wouldn't be a Saturday night with a tone of sweets. "Please"

My phone buzzed.

Meet me tonight? - B x

Damn.

I don't understand why she would want to meet me tonight considering it's Griezmann's birthday party. She has been planning for weeks. She wouldn't just leave, would she? 

I had to make a decision now. I knew Scorpius wouldn't mind or would he?

Just be calm

My brain never stops around her. She makes me crazy but somehow so totally myself. 

Scorpius had been covering for ages. He was being a good mate. I didn't want him to think that I was being a shit one by leaving. I kinda gave Scorpius a look hoping that he would be able to tell what I was thinking by the look. I caught his eyes which looked questioning then he nodded.

"Ro, I don't think Albus is feeling that well. I think he might need to go to bed. Look at the bloke!" 

I had no idea what I should be doing to my face to look more ill. What type of illness was I supposed to have? 

"Albus should just go to bed, come on, I'll get exploding snap out" Scorpius insisted

"Alright, make sure that you go to see Hannah if it gets too bad though?"

I felt a knot in my stomach. I hated lying to Rose but I just knew that she wouldn't understand or approve. She is subtle as a fog horn and know Bee wants to keep this quiet.  She had a big argument with James over his involvement with Griezmann. It was beyond awkward but she had to suck it up in the end when it appeared that J-Lou was here to stay. He just got a lot of eye rolling when Rose was around him these days. 

"I promise"

When and where? - A 

Come see the stars with me - B x

I owe Scorpius a trunk load of chocolate frogs right now.