Aftershocks

The first thing that Lux noticed was that the letter was a mess. Sure the machine had printed it onto a flawless piece of card but the bends and creases from the original being balled up and then smoothed out were easily visible. That and the ink splotches, or perhaps they were tears, alongside the scribbles made parts of the letter almost impossible to read.

Yet still, much like every other letter she had received from the other, Lux could hear Jinx’s voice speaking to her as she read what she could of the message. She was barely three lines in when she felt the tears prick at her eyes.

“Heya Lux.
I hope you’re alright, sorry it’s been so long.
Things got pretty crazy here.”

Here a huge portion of the paragraph was scribbled over. Lux decided not to try and read through the scribbles, unwilling to put effort into reading what Jinx didn’t want her to. Lux could see where the pressure of the woman’s scribbling had torn through the paper she had been writing on. The letter continued further down the page clearly picking up mid ramble.

“He’s dead Luxie. I killed him, he was going to shoot Vi. But everything was so loud, after the bridge and whatever the doc did everything got so so loud. But it’s all quiet now Luxie. He’s still here. Just like the others. With Mylo and Claggor and Isha. Oh gods Isha. You woulda loved her Luxie, but she’s gone.”

“He said I had to break the cycle, it’s the only way to stop being a Jinx. It’s so quiet now, him and Isha are keeping the others quiet so I can do it, gotta burn it all down before I can break the cycle. Gotta make sure it works. I just hope this sends before the fire reaches it. I know I built this thing good but it won’t survive the heat. Or the blast. Just gotta hope the range lasts enough to get this to you, or at least to get this out. One last letter.”

Lux sniffled slightly as her eyes scoured over the drawings in the margins of the letter, pictures of Jinx with a small girl with brown-blue hair in a hat. She didn’t know who Isha was but what had happened was clear. The meaning of the talk of breaking the cycle was clear. However it was the bottom of the letter that felt like someone was taking an ice cold knife to the meat of her heart.

“I’m sorry I never told you, after your birthday I was too scared. I’m sorry I never got to visit you in Terbisia, Luxy. It sounds like a good place. The kind of place that Isha would have liked. You should have seen her in the commune. All smiles and happiness, that was when I figured it out. That I could still feel it, even after Vi and Silco and the Rocket. That I could still feel love. That I still wanted to feel it. That I still loved you. Even though I was so much worse. The flames are closing in now so I have to go.
I’m sorry, and I love you. And I’m sorry for that too.”

The rest of the letter was torn or possibly burned away, but Lux didn’t need it to understand. This wasn’t a regular letter, this was a goodbye of a very specific kind. She felt her chest heave as a ragged sob tore through her. Her mind was racing, Jinx was truly dead, and it seemed from her letter that she had….. had ….. Lux pressed a hand to her face in an attempt to centre herself. When suddenly a thought crystallised in her mind. Caitlyn had said that Jinx had died fighting at the Hexgates. Not that she had killed herself. She forced herself back up to her full height locking eyes with the councilwoman.

“You lied.” she said, feeling the ice of it creep up her throat and chill the room. The other three’s eyes widened as Lux’s eyes began to glow. “What did it say?” Caitlyn asked even as Vi stepped slightly in front of her, as if that would be enough should Lux decide to attack. But almost as soon as the rage had built it died again crushed under a wave of desolate grief. Lux’s breath hitched even as she tried to push an answer up her now dry throat.

“It’s a..” Lux’s voice petered out but she swallowed firmly and finished her sentence, refusing the sob building in her chest. She wanted answers, and avoiding the knife edged truth of the situation wasn’t going to get her them, but neither was breaking down. “It’s a suicide note. She keeps talking about breaking the cycle, I think she must have burned down everything that mattered to her. And then..” She choked again, pressing a now glowing hand to her mouth to muffle it. “She did,” She heard a firm male voice from in front of her, Ekko had finally spoken up.

“She burnt everything, The Last Drop and all, probably torched what she used to send those letters. But she didn’t kill herself, I arrived just in time. I managed to talk her into fighting.” Lux could see the pain in the man's face and knew that he wasn’t lying.

She drew a breath. Somehow even knowing that it didn’t change the outcome, that Jinx was still dead, that she had still suffered so much, knowing that perhaps the girl had died fighting was a balm. She drew another breath, mentally stymying the light that had been growing in brightness, as she fought back another hitching sob with a ragged inhale. She moved back towards the table and, taking advantage of the others relaxing in the face of her light dimming, said “I think it’s time that you told me exactly what I’ve missed. All of you.”

The brief relaxation that had taken over the room ended as Caitlyn bristled, “You cannot expect us to tell you everything, not without promising that you won’t use what you find in pursuit of Demacian interests.” Lux barked a laugh, unable to stop herself, had they really not yet worked out that there was only one reason she was here. Well, time to dispatch with the pretense she supposed. “With all due respect, councilwoman. I don’t give a fuck about Demacian interests. I’m only here for Jinx. And I need to know.”

The three shared a glance before Caitlyn sighed and nodded, and they told her. Over hours of each telling their parts of the story they relayed to Lux exactly what had happened. There were still questions left over of course, parts where none of the three had had eyes on Jinx. But as the story went on Lux felt her heart breaking over and over again for Jinx. The girl had suffered so greatly in such a short space of time. Hearing how Vi had returned only for Jinx to believe she had brought Caitlyn to betray her. Hearing how the genius girl had made a hextech weapon in a matter of days. Only to turn it on the council in a stunning display of violence made something in Lux’s stomach curdle even as her heart knew that it made no difference to how she saw Jinx.

Perhaps hours before it might have, might have hurt Lux to acknowledge that her friend hadn’t been fighting the good fight for the undercity, or following Silco’s orders. Just angry, and willing to hurt people. But Lux couldn’t pretend to herself anymore, she had loved Jinx even when the girl was a reckless drug smuggler with a penchant for grenades. Now that the woman was a symbol of hope and freedom, even a bloodstained one, Lux felt her heart filling with love for the girl even as it shattered again and again whenever she glanced down at the letter still clutched in her hand.

Eventually it came down to Ekko and then Vi, after they had told her about the commune, the young girl who sacrificed her life by detonating one of Jinx’s weapons even as the blue haired girl scrambled to get out of Vi’s arms to the child. Hearing Ekko describe finding Jinx in her hideout, hair cut short and a hextech grenade in her hands. The conversation they had, him convincing Jinx to fight, even if just for one more day. But soon the few positives of their trip through what Ekko referred to as the Firelights home had ended.

And it was time for the only person who had seen Jinx at the end to speak. It was halting at first, Vi’s recollection of her fighting back to back with Jinx in the Hexgate. But as the stoic woman spoke more it came faster and faster even as tears began to track down the redhead's cheek and Caitlyn reached out to wrap a comforting arm around her partner.

Vi described a fight won, a moment of revelrous victory before the grief took hold. Of a reanimated father, reanimated once more in the form of a hulking metal beast. Of the moment that she realised what Jinx was about to do. Lux could only listen in horror as Vi described the feeling of knowing that there was nothing she could do. Of seeing her sister fall and hearing the blast as the grenade stole her only remaining family from her. By the end of the story Vi was weeping into Caitlyn’s shoulder and Lux was no better off. The sobs she had managed to suppress at the reading of Jinx’s letter filled the room as the blonde cried into her hands.

Silence ruled the room for minutes, only the sounds of two women grieving a shared loss breaking it up. At some point Vi stood from her position at Caitlyn’s side and wrapped Lux in a hug. Lux melted into the contact, feeling the warmth of Vi’s arms around her and feeling the others' tears soak into her collar as they tried to comfort each other. But Lux couldn’t help but imagine that it was a different sister's arms. Smaller but no less defined and muscular. Hands not calloused from combat but instead from tools and mechanisms. It was a beautiful but momentary fantasy.

Neither Lux nor Vi saw the look Caitlyn and Ekko shared over their heads, neither saw the tilt of question from Ekko nor the shrug from Caitlyn. They didn’t realise that the man had moved until they separated, each wiping their eyes with varying success. It was then that Ekko spoke, a sorrowful but firm tone in his voice. “The thing I don’t understand,” He began, drawing the attention of the mourners. “Is why you’re here? You came with the Demacian political contingent but claim that you’re only here for Jinx. You have a machine she built but claim to have only met her in person a handful of times. You haven’t even explained what you were to her.”

Lux thought that if she could feel anything besides sorrow she would be angry at the Firelights leader. But she understood his scepticism too much, the shadowed grief in his eyes reminding her that while she had known these people vicariously through Jinx for years the same was not true in reverse. And that they were all suffering the same loss. She took a moment to try and compose herself, refusing to begin crying again at the mere thought of what Jinx had been to her, the doubt overshadowed by the contents of the letter.

“Indeed,” Caitlyn said, supporting Ekko, her voice kind but never losing its steel core. “You mentioned that you saw Jinx once more after she gave you the letter device. Would you mind telling us about that? It only seems fair.” Lux nodded, reaching down to take a drink of water in an attempt to soothe her raw throat, it had been some time since she had screamed or cried herself hoarse and the familiar feeling was distinctly unwelcome.

“My seventeenth birthday.” Lux wiped her eyes once more, willing her voice to steady as she thought back to the last time she had seen Jinx. “I had been with the Illuminators for just over a year. It was… Difficult. Harsh military training that never waivered even as we went around the city doing charitable works. I had also become involved with a plot by a man named Sylas. A plot that eventually sent Demacia headlong into civil war.”

______

Lux’s limbs trembled with exertion as she held herself in a plank position. The weight of the petricite slab on her back pressing her deeper into the earth prevented only by her aching muscles. She had known that she would be late, her conversation with Sylas in the cells had gone on too long. She was too fascinated by what he could teach her. None of the other mages would teach her anything like the level of control she sought, they were all too focussed on repression. And Lux refused to join the Mage Seekers just to get what she wanted.

However, she had been clumsy. Exhausted from the exercises Sylas had demanded of her from his side of the prison bars. She had been spotted sneaking back into the compound five minutes later than she was supposed to have returned. Hence her punishment. The man overseeing it snorted slightly as Lux’s left elbow bucked and nearly gave out. “Only two minutes more, Agent.” Fortunately Lux had just enough strength to push through the remaining minutes and after what felt like an agonising eternity the slab of white suppressant rock was lifted from her back.

Lux lay on the hard mattress of her room's slat bed, attempting to massage the aching soreness out of her muscles, knowing that tomorrow's training would be just as brutal. She mentally penned her next letter to Jinx, the only light in her life at the moment being her communication with the other girl and the brief times she was permitted to go out and actually assist with the charitable work the Illuminators claimed to perform.

She didn’t really know how long she had been there anymore, the days of her initial training had blurred together into a long stretch of agonising memories. She thought it had been about two months since she had refused a ‘personal invitation’ to join the Mage Seekers, since she had become the target of attempts to break her conviction so that she would join her Uncle’s gang of killers. A noise at her door startled her into action just as she was about to check Jinx’s machine.

Standing Lux sent a brief prayer of thanks that they had yet to take away her ability to lock her door from within. As she was allowed a moment to hide her valuable contraband, without whoever was at her door past curfew being able to barge in. Two months ago a stack of parchments and pens would have been something she was allowed to keep, but no longer. And Lux refused to chance having her one social connection removed because she got careless.

Opening the door with caution Lux was confused as there seemed to be nobody in the corridor that led to the main compound. It wasn’t until a moment later that something dropped from the ceiling. It took Lux a moment to realise that it wasn’t some assassin sent to kill her as a flash of long blue hair peeked out from under the hood of a heavy weathering cloak. Mouth agape Lux did nothing as Jinx pushed past her into the room pulling the door to and bolting it closed.

“Heya Luxy,” The blue haired girl shook the cloak off her head and grinned up at Lux who remained in stunned torpor for a moment before she launched herself at her friend. Jinx let out a soft huff of air as Lux barrelled into her, but kept her footing. “Jinx! What are you doing here, how are you here?” Lux demanded, keeping her voice low despite the excitement racing through her mind. “I came to visit you blondie, I missed you. Only here for two nights til I gotta run a shipment back for Silco but he said I could visit you. I nearly couldn’t find you. What are you doing all the way out in this wing? Last time I was here they had you in a nicer room.”

Lux blinked, before tears welled in her eyes as she realised that her friend had come to visit her for no other reason than because she wanted to. “They moved me out here a few months ago when I refused to join the mage seekers. Remember I told you about it in my last letter.” Jinx looked consideringly for a moment before nodding, “Oh yeah I remember that. I didn’t realise this room was so much worse though. You don’t even have a window, I nearly got caught trying to break into your last room before I realised you weren’t there anymore.”

“Jinx! That’s dangerous, if you get caught they’ll kill you for sure.” Lux said aghast at her friend's recklessness. The other girl just let out a nonchalant breath, shrugging. “I’ll be fine Blondie, this place is way easier to sneak around than Topside and they’ve never caught me neither.” Lux supposed that that was good enough for her for the moment. “Besides,” Jinx continued. “It’s your birthday, or as close to it as I could figure! And I wanted to give you something.” Lux scanned the girl’s figure trying to see where she might be hiding something.

Jinx laughed, “I don’t have it on me right now Luxy, I’ll bring you it tomorrow.” Today I’ve just got this. Jinx reached into a pocket and produced two bars of chocolate. “You’re always complaining about how they don’t feed you anything good here. So I figured I’d swing by; case the joint, give you these and let you know to be in tomorrow for your celebration.”

Lux took one of the offered chocolates with a huge grin on her face before placing it gently on the floor and sweeping the slighter girl into another crushing hug. “That’s so nice of you, Jinx.” Lux said even as the other girl squirmed in her embrace. “Ack I know I know I’m the best but you’re gonna choke me. When did you get so strong anyhow!” Jinx demanded as she ran a calloused hand over Lux’s arm. Lux felt her face grow hot from the contact and the look on Jinx’s face, she quickly sat against the wall and slapped the floor next to her, signalling Jinx to fall into a sprawl next to her, resting her head against Lux’s shoulder.

Lux was suddenly glad that she hadn’t redonned her armour and was instead just in her covering undershirt as she could feel the soft feeling of Jinx’s cheek through the thin sweat wicking fabric. She shook her head slightly to banish the thoughts, not noticing the way Jinx’s eyes followed her tousled hair down the nape of her neck as she did so.

______

“She had come to visit just to see me, for my birthday, she was the only person who even remembered that year. It wasn’t the first thing she had done for me of course but something about it felt special. There was no risk, no danger to me that she had to fly in to try and save me from like last time. She just came because she wanted to see me, and I hadn’t really had that before.” Lux glanced around at the others, seeing the sympathy and understanding in their eyes.

“Sadly she could only stay for a few hours that night, but we ate our treats and talked for as long as we could. I was so excited about seeing her again the next day I barely slept.” Lux smiled to herself as the memory warmed her, even in the melancholy of grief she could hold her precious moments with Jinx close. Perhaps, she wondered, they felt even more special in the face of the inevitable ending to the story.

Vi was grinning to herself, her eyes still damp. Clearly picturing something that only she could see. Lux hoped that her memories could provide some comfort to the older girl, if only a little. She saw Ekko open his mouth to say something and cut him off. She didn’t know if she would be able to finish the memory if she allowed herself to stop now. Worried that the tide of grief and exhaustion that she felt lapping at the edges of her consciousness might pull her down into its depths.

______

Lux’s cheeks hurt; she had spent so much of the day smiling. Even the extra training she had been forced to go through over the afternoon couldn’t dampen her mood. Her mind had been awhirl with thoughts of Jinx. The way the girl had smiled impishly when presenting her chocolate the night before. The look of glee sparkling in her eyes when she spoke of her daring deeds against the Firelights or the Enforcers. Images of the girl ran rampant in Lux’s imagination in a way she hadn’t ever experienced.

But now it was time, the curfew bell had rung and everyone else was sure to be asleep. Meanwhile Lux was waiting for the knock at her room door. After what felt like hours it happened. Lux jumped to her feet and swung the door wide, greeted by Jinx’s grinning face. The girl had a messenger bag slung over one shoulder but put it to the side so that she could sweep Lux into a hug.

“Happy birthday Luxy!” Lux relaxed into her friend's embrace, the smell of oil and smoke surprisingly calming to her mind now that it was associated with the few brief times she had found herself in Jinx’s arms. Jinx squeezed her tight, a minute sigh escaping the blonde as she relaxed further into the hug. They stayed like that for a few more minutes before Jinx’s excitement got the better of her. The bluenette squeezed Lux once more before releasing her, the girl looking so excited that Lux’s disappointment at the loss of contact couldn’t last.

“Here, Here, Open it.” Jinx demanded, releasing Lux and chivvying the blonde towards the parcel she had removed from her bag. Lux took the thing into her hands, feeling that it was heavier than she expected. The box was about a foot long and half as wide, wrapped in brown paper that was tied together with an assortment of coloured strings. Lux reached up and untied one of the strings.

Removing the outer wrapping she opened the box to reveal what looked to be a rod made of machined metal with a glistening purple gem laid into each end, one a sphere and the other a cuboid shape. The gems were reminiscent of the focus used on the letter printing device and Lux looked to Jinx for an explanation. For a moment the girl looked deeply nervous before realising that Lux was just confused.

“It’s a kind of focus. You’re always talking in your letters about trying to be in control right? And that sometimes it hurts to hold all that beautiful light inside when you’ve got so much of it. But you’re worried about breaking things or being seen and stuff right. So I made you that, if you put light into the circular end it’ll come out just as light without any of the burny bits. And if you put it in the square end it’ll just be heat, so it won’t be visible. Give it a go.”

With a trembling hand Lux reached down and pressed her palm against the square gem and allowed her painful iron control to slip for the first time in months. It felt like she had just laid down after being stood for a week straight. The relief of finally letting go was almost painful itself. The machine began to whir, and for a moment Lux feared that it would malfunction and Jinx would be hurt from the sheer amount of energy she was pouring out.

But then the whining of the gadget evened out, and a soothing heat began to emanate from the machine, feeling like a warm bath that soothed Lux’s aches. She looked at Jinx with wonder, the other girl staring back at her nervously, her lower lip between her teeth. And Lux was struck by how beautiful her friend was, how kind she had been to her. How much her continued refusals of her mother attempting to marry her off to random nobles had stopped being because she didn’t want to marry at all. And started to become that those nobles weren't blue-haired, tattooed geniuses from the cities on the Pilt.

Gently Lux laid the wand down on her pillow, taking care not to break it. She heard Jinx draw a breath and begin to say “Blondie, did you not li-” before being interrupted as Lux lifted her still-warm hands and cradled the girl's face. Slowly, so slowly in order to give Jinx a chance to stop her if she wished. Lux leant forwards and, with barely a second's hesitation, Jinx did the same. Until their lips met softly at first. Then Jinx whined slightly as Lux moved one of her hands to wrap around her neck.

Jinx’s lips parted slightly and Lux’s breath stuttered as she felt the girl's tongue peek slightly into her waiting mouth. She answered the probing with her own tongue and felt Jinx wrap her arms around her waist. At that moment Lux felt like everything made sense. It didn’t matter that her training was difficult. Because eventually she would be able to have this. She pulled back slightly, preparing to externalise her realisation in words.

“Jinx I,” Whatever Lux had been intending to say was interrupted by a knock at the door. Without a moment's thought, breath picking up speed Lux pointed Jinx to hide under the bed. Eyes still slightly foggy and mouth parted the lithe girl did as shown. Easily sliding into the small gap beneath the wooden slatted bed and the hard stone floor.

Lux opened the door. The dorm mistress stood imperiously behind it, a guard on either side of her. “Agent Crownguard,” Lux stiffened, suddenly horribly aware that she didn’t know if she looked suspicious. She didn’t know if the matron would be able to tell that something was awry. “It has come to our attention that today was your seventeenth birthday.” The matron almost seemed like she was waiting for Lux to respond. She nodded, unwilling to trust her voice.

“Good, you are being sent on a mission. Pack what you need and report to the stables in thirty minutes. You will be gone for a week.” Lux could only nod, trying to keep her mounting horror at bay. “Good, Dismissed.” The matron said, turning on her heel and walking away. Lux’s hand shook as she numbly closed the door behind her. She saw Jinx’s eyes peering out from under the bed as she moved to begin packing. The girl levered herself from under the bed and went to speak, “Blo-” Lux silenced her with her lips, the slow movements of their first kiss replaced with a frantic attempt to communicate everything without words.

The blue haired girl seemed to understand, as she only pulled Lux closer and the two wasted a few precious minutes of what little time Lux had. Jinx slinked out into the hallway as Lux left, the two parting with no more words between them beyond a whispered promise to keep writing to each other.
______

Vi’s mouth was hanging open, Lux noted amusedly. Even with her vision slightly blurred. “My birthday training was a six month expedition. I hadn’t brought the device and by the time I returned I was too scared to bring it up. We kept writing back and forth but never talked about it again. Until this.”

Lux attempted to read the final paragraph of Jinx’s letter. The confession, that was everything she had ever wanted from the other girl, in a situation she had never considered. But found that whenever she tried her voice would stick in her throat like a burr. Eventually she just allowed them each to read the letter as she wept quietly into her hands. None of them said anything, they all understood now. Exactly what it was that Lux had lost.