Aftershocks

Lux scarcely remembered leaving the Kiraman estate, a scroll with their address tucked into her bag, along with a firm hug from Vi and an invitation to come by to talk if she ever wanted to. But truthfully Lux doubted she would. Being in the city was starting to hurt. Every direction she turned it felt like memories were being pounded into her mind. Whether it be places Jinx had spoken about, people with their hair dyed bright blue, or even people that Lux recognised from Jinx’s stories. Lux knew that she would never escape the grief as long as she was in the city, if she could ever escape it at all.

It felt like it had melded itself to her shadow, dogging her steps everywhere she went. She could scarcely eat, her stomach cramping up whenever she tried. She knew Garen was growing concerned as she lost more and more sleep, each dream a haunting memory of Jinx. She had taken to spending the nights wandering the park where she had first met Jinx, crying softly into her pillow, or rereading Jinx’s letters. However, she refused to allow it to make her run. She would finish the mission, Lux decided.

She refused to run from her pain, it wouldn’t help anyway. She spent a week after her resolution as a ghost, following Garen and the Dauntless around doing what little she could to help. She kept small contact with Caitlyn, Vi and Ekko beyond the necessary communications as part of her duties. Secretly hoping that some news or information would come up that could allow her to refocus her mind. Something that would let her banish the haunting spectre of grief that beckoned her around every corner. And slowly, the weeks of Lux’s time in Piltover passed. But there was still no call from any of the three.

At first Lux found it difficult to be upset by that. She wanted to have solidarity in her grief. But she found that spending too much time around the others that had known Jinx was difficult. A sentiment they clearly returned despite their sympathies. It was a few days before the Demacian contingent was due to return to their homeland that Lux was granted a change to her dismal routine. A missive was sent to the worksite of the Dauntless, a request for Lux’s presence at the Kiramman mansion once more, an hour before the dinner that was supposed to celebrate the work the Dauntless had done during their time in Piltover. Albeit only she and Garen were actually invited, seeming that the council did not want to bear the expense of fine dining for an entire squad of Demacia’s Hungriest.

Trepidatiously Lux agreed, and found herself once again travelling by chem powered vehicle towards Caitlyn’s family home. When she arrived it was much as it had been on her first visit weeks ago. She shared some polite words with Tobias, who politely refrained from commenting on her withdrawn nature or the bags beneath her eyes that Lux’s skill with makeup could no longer hide. Soon Caitlyn arrived and Lux was ushered into a room that contained Vi, Ekko, and a large dark skinned woman that Lux recognised to be councilwoman Sevika.

The woman was staring severely at the others who all looked some level of irritated, especially Vi. Lux took a moment to compose herself before she entered. “Hello councillors, Ekko, Vi.” She nodded to each in turn. Her uncertainty at what exactly she had been invited to leading her to act as though this were a regular diplomatic meeting. Despite the evidence to the contrary.

Sevika snorted a laugh, “Can the diplomatic shit. This ain't a meeting.” Lux raised an eyebrow at the woman. “Then what, pray tell, is it?” Being in this room was rankling her. Surrounded by people she recognised but had barely ever met. All of whom reminded her of Jinx. Making it more difficult to keep her frustration in check.

The counselor chuckled again, before placing a metal box on the table. It was clearly some kind of safety box. And likely a good one judging by the scratch marks around the keyhole and the soot it left on the table around it. “I’ve been clearing up what’s left of the Last Drop.” The councillor said, as if that was an acceptable explanation. “And I found that in one of Jinx’s hidey holes. It’s full of letters, and you’re the only person she ever wrote a goddamn word that made sense to.” Here Lux almost thought she saw emotion flickering onto the woman’s face, and she remembered suddenly just how prominently Sevika had featured in Jinx’s life.

Sevika gestured for Lux to take the box and with a slightly shaking hand she did, cautious not to drop it as the lid came open when she tried to lift it. “I had to bust the thing open to see what was in it, so sorry about that. And I checked one of the letters, to see who it was addressed to.” Sevika explained, voice still gruff but with a hint of fondness to the irritation. “Was hoping it woulda been something actually useful but that’ll have to do. That machine of hers burnt to shit though, so I’m afraid that’s all you’ve got in terms of memorabilia.”

Lux swallowed as she stared into the box, it was indeed almost full of letters. “Thank You, Sevika. I appreciate you coming to personally give this to me.” Here the woman snorted again. “You’re welcome, I didn’t trust any of these to not try and get their noses in it. I may not always have liked the brat, but I respected her enough to keep her secrets secret. See you at this dinner, brats.” With that the woman stood, her intimidating prosthetic whirring slightly under her half cape as she unceremoniously exited the room. Clearly uninterested in being involved in whatever she thought was going to occur in the room.

Lux looked around the room. Vi and Ekko were staring directly at the box in her hands, and Lux shifted to hold it closed from their scouring gazes. “Thank you for letting me get this Caitlyn. I appreciate it more than I can express.” Lux let her eyes wander over the others. “I know I didn’t say it before, but thank you for telling me about what happened. And I’m sorry for your losses.” She was interrupted as a pair of strong arms wrapped around her suddenly. Vi pulled Lux into another hug. “Thank You, Lux,” the older girl said softly. And Lux was struck with how much the few stories of Jinx she had given must have meant to the woman who had spent her entire life staring at a wall wanting to get back to her sister.

Lux sniffled, but willed the tears back with great effort, and tightened her arms around the woman. Keeping a firm grasp on the letter box she held Vi for a few more moments before disengaging and saying. “I believe our ship leaves either tomorrow or the next day depending on the winds. And while I doubt I shall be in a hurry to return here, should you ever find yourself in Demacia. Or in need of my aid, you shall have it. You have my address, and I can always be reached through Demacian political channels, I shall see you all tonight.” With her piece said Lux turned and headed for the door, unwilling to let the three see her break down again.

Indeed Lux managed to get all the way back to her quarters before the tears sprang forth. She pushed open the door to her room just as a sob broke through her. The box in her hands felt heavier than anything she had ever carried before, and in her haste to put it down she dropped it onto the table she had taken to using as a makeshift desk. Letters spilled onto the metal surface and Lux’s knees buckled.

She kneeled there, face pressed into her hands, looking almost as if she were praying at the table. Until a ragged sob shook her. Each time she cried she swore it would be the last, until the grief came storming in again. This time though, it seemed almost to have reached a pitch. Lux could scarcely stop herself from wailing as she gazed upon the pile of letters spilled on the tabletop, her breaths instead coming as great pained heaves with the effort of suppressing the sounds of her grief.

She barely heard the door opening, nor her brother's concerned voice, over the sounds of her heart shattering again and again. It wasn’t until she felt Garen’s arms wrapping around her in a firm hug that she even realised he was there. In that moment a part of Lux wanted to shake him off, to remind herself that he hadn’t been there when she needed him, to enforce the distance that had grown between them. But she couldn’t bring herself to; instead she turned and buried her face into the crook of his shoulder and sobbed. And Garen simply held her through the storm.

Eventually, Lux’s sobs petered out. Her brother kept his arms wrapped firmly around her, mumbling reassurances into her hair until they had truly subsided. But after that came what Lux had been dreading, the reason she had endeavoured to hide her grief from Garen in the first place. “Lux, sister. What happened?” The care in Garen’s voice was genuine, but Lux could feel the undertone of suspicion, especially as his eyes raked over the letters strewn on Lux’s desk.

Lux sucked in a steadying breath, feeling her ruined throat protest the action. “I… I was not completely honest with you, Garen. I did have ulterior motives for accepting this mission.” Her heart sank, admitting it, until she felt Garen’s chest rumble slightly as he chuckled. “I had managed to put that one together, sister. I know I am not close to your equal in terms of wit nor learnedness, but please. Do me the favour of not pandering to me.” Lux felt herself smile despite herself.

“My apologies brother.” Lux swallowed. “I knew someone in Piltover, someone… important to me. We were communicating by letters for several years. And when the letters stopped and I heard about your mission. I decided to go and see if she was….” Lux broke off as her heart clenched again, her eyes locked onto the letters on her desk. She felt Garen rub her shoulder softly. “I take it your search was not a joyful one.” Lux shook her head.
“Her family gave me those letters. They are unsent letters for me, but something about it…. I already knew she hadn’t survived the fighting… But.”

“Grief is an odd beast, sister.” Garen murmured, and Lux was reminded of how much death the leader of the Dauntless Vanguard had likely seen. How many of his brothers and sisters in arms hadn’t returned home. “It comes to roost at the oddest times, by the oddest means.” Lux nodded, words failing her at this sudden moment of connection with her brother. Garen stood, pulling Lux from her knees with ease as he did so. “Take your time to grieve, sister, I shall excuse you from our celebratory leaving meal tonight.”

Lux took a moment to gaze at the letters, longingly. But she knew that her absence from the Dauntless Celebration meal would be noticed. By both the dauntless and the Piltovan council. “Thank you brother, but I will wear a brave face for our duties. Give me but a moment.” Garen nodded, excusing himself from her room. “As you wish sister, your mettle is impressive as always.” Lux grinned at her brother, the lasting joke from the training grounds of the Crownguard estate bringing a smile from her easily. “Should you need me….” Garen trailed off as he left the room, Lux nodding at him in understanding.

Lux steeled herself as she gathered the fallen letters. She would read them later she thought, if she indulged her burning desire to do so now there would be no way she would be prepared for the celebratory dinner that evening. It was with a heavy heart that she placed them each back in their lockbox, and secured the box at the bottom of her pack. Satisfied that they would be secure Lux set to work making herself presentable for the dinner, deciding to simply wear her formal armaments rather than the modest dress she had brought. She was in no mood to have councilors attempting to converse with her chest, and at least she would match Garen.

Lux took her time readying herself for the dinner, imagining that the heat of the shower could physically strip the layers of sadness and grief from her heart and the weight of loss from her shoulders. It couldn’t, of course, but it still felt good. Strapping herself into her ceremonial Illuminator breastplate Lux took one last moment to stare at her pack where the box of letters resided. Her determination wavered for a moment, and it was almost enough for her to reach into the bag and swear off the dinner altogether. But with a moment of great effort Lux turned away, and made her way down the stairs.

The dinner was exactly as grueling as Lux expected. The droll glad-handedness of politics barely stymied by recent tragedy. After all, Lux thought, there was no money to be made in the past. And Piltover had long since worshipped the god of coin, likely even more so than its arguably more cutthroat step sibling of Zaun. The only part of the dinner that Lux found even remotely enjoyable was watching the way the well to do Piltovan politicians squirmed whenever they found themselves on the wrong side of Councilwoman Sevika’s harsh glare and sharp tongue.

However, those interludes were brief. The primary activities of Piltovan politicians, it seemed, was simpering and condescension. And Lux found herself becoming sick of both very quickly. Fortunately Garen deployed his newfound political acumen to deflect most of the more irritating nobles onto discussion of their personal ‘acts of bravery’ during the Noxian Attack. Thankfully the dinner ended early as Garen took the brunt of the disappointment, claiming that his men wanted to be on the sea early as many of them were missing their homeland, as was Lux.

And true to Garen’s word it was early that they set out from the now largely reconstructed port. Had Lux cared to think about it she may have found it ironic that she spent the voyage back in much the same way as she had spent the voyage there. Poring over letters from Jinx. The stack of letters were randomly arrayed but it quickly became obvious what they were to Lux. Some were clearly unsent because something more interesting had happened before Jinx had had a chance to send them.

But others, especially those from more recent times were clearly unsent for a different reason. A reason that managed to bring Lux to tears again and again and again. Until she found the very first one, from just after Jinx had got home from the last time they had seen each other. Lux compared it to the letter that she had actually received. The greeting was the same, the reassurance that Jinx hadn’t minded having to leave so quickly was also the same. As was the main body of the letter; recounting Jinx’s narrow escape from the Great City aboard an airship smuggling Shimmer.

But the bottom of the letter was what changed, whereas Lux’s copy ended with the hope that Lux’s mission went okay and that Jinx would hear back from her soon. The unsent copy had more. There were two paragraphs at the bottom. Lux hadn’t been sure why Jinx had ended up keeping the letters she had never sent but perhaps it was simply to have some kind of proof that the girl could look back on. To show that the things she wrote about had actually happened. Of all the letters in the box, this was the one that Lux found herself reading over and over again. Committing the smudged and imperfect words to heart like the etching on a statues plinth.

“... And that’s how I managed to get back, you shoulda seen it. The Ogre was furious you should have seen it!

The sun was rising as we arrived home. Usually I wouldn’t care, got shit to do. But this time I just watched it, the way the light gleamed off the sea. It reminded me of your hair, and your eyes. And that beautiful magic you can do. I really hope you like your gift. But now whenever I see the sun I can only think about you. Which I mean it’s not like it happens often down in the Undercity but still.

I really want to kiss you again. I keep thinking about it. Your lips were so soft, and I was so surprised but then it was so good. Hopefully I’ll be able to come and visit you again soon. When your mission is done. You’re so amazing Blondie. I watched some of your training and it’s crazy impressive. I hope everything is okay and that you won’t be angry when you get this.

I mean you think the same thing about the kiss right?
Surely you wouldn’t have done that if you didn’t feel about me how I feel about you? But I don’t know, they tell me it was just a trick. That you were just buying time until that lady came and you could kick me out. But I know that isn’t true. It’s not true right Blondie? No I know it isn’t. But maybe some of it’s true. Maybe kissing means something else in Demacia. Maybe you regret it already.
I don’t even know why I’m still writing this. I’ll send a different letter.
And maybe eventually I’ll be brave enough to tell you how much I think about you. How I can’t even look at the sun anymore without thinking about you.”

Parts of the letter were stained with tears and ink. Clear that Jinx had at one point abandoned the card completely before deciding to save it. There were more in the same vein, Jinx talking about the things she had seen that had made her think of Lux. The blonde could barely stop shifting between blushing and sobbing as she read the years of love and devotion that Jinx had poured onto the pages. Some were truly heartbreaking, letters of fear and worry as time passed with neither girl acknowledging the kiss that they had shared.

Lux found herself wishing with all her heart that she had had the courage to tell the girl of her feelings. To respond to the letters that Jinx had never sent her, to reassure the other that kissing Jinx had meant as much to Lux as it had to her. To let her know that Jinx also owned large portions of Lux’s thoughts. That whenever a lonesome cloud drifted across the bright blue skies of Demacia, Lux could only ever think of the blue smoke patterns that trailed down her friend's side.

Yet somehow, despite the intense pain that the guilt and regret caused her. Lux found herself drawn again and again to that first letter. The image of Jinx, as she most recently existed in Lux’s memory, staring over the rails of an airship; her long hair flapping in the breeze, watching the sun rise over the sea, her mind stuck on Lux. Became a frequent and favourite daydream. Images of Lux, having accepted Jinx’s offer of escape, standing behind the girl, her arms wrapped around Jinx’s waist as her Jinx turned and their lips met in the blossoming sun.

The boat journey passed quickly with Lux spending much of the time stuck in her own mind. Garen convinced her to spend one final night with the Dauntless so that they could make their report to the king the following day. They spent much of the night compiling their report, but Lux found that she enjoyed spending time with Garen. Something she hadn’t had much chance to do since he had left the Crownguard manor all those years ago. Lux successfully omitted most of what she had been told about The Machine Herald’s attack on the Hexgate, redirecting the majority of the blame to Noxus and the now dead Ambessa Medarda, just as she had promised Caitlyn.

The report was simple and easy, after all the mission “had been a resounding success”. Words that tasted like ash in Lux’s mouth as she said them. Nothing about her journey had felt like a success. Not when her heart felt so hollow, and her mind so haunted with ghosts of pasts and futures she could never have. Nevertheless she managed to dredge up a brave face for her report. A perfect patrician’s smile etched onto her face as she fielded questions from the council and received meaningless praise for her part in the Future of Demacia.

Thankfully the meeting was quick, not much needed beyond the written report that Lux and Garen supplied combined with the brief verbal notes of the situation on the Pilt. And she had gained Terbisia some favour, she certainly doubted that it was coincidence that a positive report of the mission had coincided with an increased allotment of essential supplies promised to Terbisia in the coming months.

However with the report out of the way, and Garen’s worries suitably assuaged with a promise that he could come and visit sooner than later, Lux departed The Great City. Her journey back to Terbisia was no more difficult than her journey away from it had been, unseasonably good weather holding back any real worries as she traversed the countryside. The only problem that Lux faced was her own wandering mind. It seemed that not even leaving Piltover, nor committing as much of each letter as she could to memory, nor sharing her stories with her brother. Had exorcised the ghosts of Jinx from her mind.

It seemed that everything reminded Lux of the other girl;
The letter professing Jinx’s comparison of Lux to the sun meant that whenever the glowing orb rose or fell Lux thought of her companion, watching it and thinking dreamily of Lux. The clouds in the azure blue field of the sky now once again reminding Lux of such same blue, but within the clouds, and running rampant on a field of cream white skin. Even the stars in the night sky reminded Lux of her nights spent staring across the lights of Piltover awaiting the arrival of her friend. However, it was the final day's ride that truly hammered home the enormity of the loss to Lux. She had set out early in the dawn’s grey, before the sun had truly risen. Knowing that it was a short ride remaining to Terbisia.

And indeed it was, she made her final turn and saw the city in the distance before the sun had even fully risen. And despite the warm glow in her chest at seeing her home. Despite the joy at seeing it stood proudly, looking none the worse from when she had last seen it. The sunlight just breaching the containment of the night splashed gloriously across its walls ensured that there was only one thought that occupied Lux’s mind. A letter never sent, already dog-eared and worn from being read again and again. And the woman who never sent it. Lux drew the reins of the horse, bringing it to a halt. She sat for an hour, watching the sun break over the horizon, and wept. Because as she watched the sun rise gloriously over the slowly waking town that she presided over and she could only think of Jinx. And she wouldn’t have it any other way.