Bejeweled

The next few weeks were genuinely pretty great for Bellatrix. She found more time to sneak away and hang out with Lily and Remus, using the stress of exams as an excuse to spend so much time ‘in the library’, though a lot of their hang out time actually was studying in the library. Remus knew of an extra table hidden behind a false wall that they could charm to be solid for others when they were using it, and the three of them made it their go-to spot. 

See? She wasn’t lying to Cissy about being in the library studying, she just wasn’t sharing who her companions were. 

Cissy was right about one thing though: Bellatrix was changing. She could feel it, but did everything she could to not let it show. To make sure people didn’t notice. Sure, she didn’t want to be around the other Slytherins anymore, at least not the ones she’d spent most of her time with before. They constantly sounded like The Liar and her parents, and Bellatrix was sick of hearing it. But, “I need to study for exams,” could only explain so much, so she had to spend some time with them. 

Besides, if she was going to get her revenge, she would need information. Need to know exactly how to strike to cause the most damage. Being on the inside was quite the advantage, she realized. Her peers were constantly discussing who was loyal to the cause and who wasn’t, rumors they’d heard, and possible future plans. Bellatrix was careful to keep a mental list of all confirmed followers that she would repeat to herself before bed every night, adding to it as she learned more. Though she was still unsure what exactly she was going to do with the information. 

It became a sort of game to her, like she was a spy or playing a role. She went back to saying horrible things about muggle borns when she was with her Slytherin group, and then complained about how awful that group was to her real friends. 

Besides keeping her source of information flowing, it had the benefit of soothing Cissy. She hadn’t accused Bella of anything since the day she’d had tea with Lily for the first time, and Bellatrix was relieved. She didn’t like lying to her sister, though sometimes saying horrible shit she no longer believed felt like lying when her sister was around the group. 

It was a Monday morning, Bellatrix was eating breakfast at the Slytherin table with the Future Death Eaters gang when the announcement was made. This year, the annual Muggle Studies Dance, which was usually a small event held in an unused classroom for only those taking the class and their dates, would be mandatory for everyone. Something about encouraging curiosity about non-magical counterparts blah, blah, blah. Bellatrix knew the change was because of them, and so did everyone else. Practically the entire Great Hall turned to look at their group once McGonagall had finished sharing the news. 

Bellatrix didn’t let any reaction show on her face. Honestly, she didn’t know how she felt about the announcement. Her initial emotion had been excitement. A night of listening to what had quickly become her favorite music, enjoying the fruits of the kitchens getting an excuse to go all out for a special event, and slow dancing with Remus? That sounded like an amazing time to her. 

But then reality crashed down. This wasn’t a private night with her friends in the Room of Requirement. This was a school wide event—that the Future Death Eaters were mandated to attend. She would have to play her role, the unhappy Slytherin who would rather be anywhere else when there was no place she’d rather be. 

It wasn’t fair. 

None of this was fair. Why did she have to hide her enjoyment? Why was she stuck flipping between what felt like two completely different personalities? She needed information to figure out her revenge, yes, but it was also way more enjoyable just to hang out with her friends. To talk to Lily and Remus about school and music and gossip and work with them to unpack her beliefs about muggle borns, the war, and everything else she’d been taught by her family. 

But the truth was it still scared her. The idea of going public with the fact that she no longer fully believed in blood purity. She’d seen what happened to Andy, and Andy had never even fully bought in before turning tail! It had been partially expected, no real shock at least. Andy had never planned on being in the Dark Lord’s inner circle; hadn’t planned on torturing muggles for sport; hadn’t bragged about how many muggle borns she would kill in the war. Hadn’t long ago chosen a future built on a bedrock of blood purity. Bellatrix would be seen as the worst blood traitor of them all. 

Was that what she was? Had she already gone so far down this path? 

Bellatrix looked out one of the large Hogwarts windows. It was Thursday night, and her head was spinning from all the thoughts swirling in her mind. Remus was sick, but for the first time in a long time Bella had been relieved to have the time to herself. It was therapeutic to be able to just walk and let her mind work through all the things it couldn’t when she was distracted by class, and homework, and friends, and gathering intel. 

She bit her lip, her footsteps slowing as she mulled over the question. Was she a blood traitor? Well, she supposed the real question was whether or not she could ever see herself going back. Could she decide that all of this was wrong, actually? Go back to her family, never let them know of this era of questioning? Have a nice pureblood marriage and live up to their expectations? 

She didn’t have to follow the Dark Lord to do that. Hell, he was a half-blood! She could easily argue that she had no interest in following a man of his status. She was the pureblood after all. He was below her. 

No, she wasn’t a blood traitor. Not yet. Bellatrix wasn’t delusional enough to deny that she was on the path to becoming one, she knew where these thoughts lead, but she found comfort in knowing that she wasn’t too far gone yet. If something happened, she could simply go back to the comfort of her family, her blood status, and Cissy. 

She gave a long exhale from her nose as her shoulders relaxed with the relief, looking outside still. It was a beautiful night out, the moon full in the sky illuminating her path within the Hogwarts halls. It was a shame Remus always missed the most beautiful nights. She always loved how the castle looked when it was asleep and the moon was full, she’d been wanting to show him for months, but she’d never gotten the chance…

He was always sick. He was always sick…on the full moon. 

Bellatrix’s eyes widened slightly. No…no, that couldn’t be right. She had to be misremembering. She tried to think back. How often did his condition flare up? About…No, not about, exactly once a month. But was it always….? She shook her head as if the memories would change. Always at the full moon? Why else wouldn’t she have gotten to show him her favorite corners of the castle at this time of month? 

What was he even sick with anyway? 

It all clicked into place in her mind, and as much as she hated it, it made too much sense to deny. Snape was right about Remus Lupin. Her Remus, with his kind eyes and breathtaking smile, with his ability to make her feel seen like no one else, with his amazing taste in music and fascinating thoughts on Arithmancy…Her Remus was a disgusting werewolf.