Bejeweled

Maybe Bellatrix shouldn’t have been so surprised at how well it was going. Lily was Remus’s friend after all, and he did seem to have good taste. Then again, he was friends with Cousin Sirius, so maybe she should incorporate more data points in that assumption. Either way, she was having a lovely time with Lily and Remus, though the latter seemed to be staying mostly quiet to give the two girls a chance to get to know each other. He was so thoughtful. 

Lily was sharing her success at conquering a particularly difficult charms assignment when Bella nodded and said, “It’s really impressive that a muggle born is as gifted with magic as you are.” 

She could instantly tell that she’d said something wrong. “What?” she asked, looking back and forth between them. “It was a compliment! I didn’t mean it sarcastically.” 

“We know you didn’t…” Remus said, the implied ‘but’ loud and clear. 

“Then what’s the problem?” Bella huffed. It had been a compliment! Was she not supposed to compliment Lily on her magic? 

“Well,” Lily began carefully, “while it was a compliment to me, and I know you meant well, it’s an implied insult to people like me. By saying it’s impressive that a muggle born specifically is gifted with magic, you’re saying that usually muggle borns aren’t good at magic. Which isn’t true.” 

“Is it not?” Bellatrix snapped, frustrated at all of this. She was trying here! And they were getting upset because she’d given Lily a compliment, she couldn’t win! 

But then she thought about who that sounded like. She could hear his sultry lying voice in her head, back in that summer when he was giving her lessons, saying that of course she excelled at magic, she was a real witch, unlike those magic thieves—mudbloods. She heard her mother saying it in the same voice that called Remus ‘trash’. 

Bellatrix groaned and put her hands over her eyes, pressing slightly with her palms to block out all the light. It came from them, but it was true, wasn’t it? Wasn’t it? Was she just supposed to throw out absolutely everything she knew? Everything her family had ever told her? Everything she believed about the world just because some of it was wrong? 

She could feel their eyes on her, even if she wasn’t looking. She moved so she was hunched over the table, elbows propped on it, holding her head in her hands, still covering her eyes. It took several deep breaths before she was ready to say anything. When she finally did, she hated how small her voice sounded to her own ears, how weak. “It’s like you’re asking me to throw out who I am.” 

“Bella,” Remus said gently, resting his hand on her back, “why would any of this be who you are?” 

She snapped up straight, throwing his hand off of her with the motion. “Because it’s everything about me! My family, my friends, my beliefs, where my life was supposed to go! It’s all wrapped up in this thing that you’re telling me is wrong!” 

Remus shook his head. “It’s not who you are, it’s who you were told to be,” he insisted. 

Bella could feel the tears welling up in her eyes, knew he saw them as they kept their gazes locked on each other, but did everything in her power to shove them back, keep them in. “Being pureblood is what makes me special,” it came out as nothing more than a whisper. 

Remus looked absolutely flabbergasted. “Bellatrix Black,” he said her name softly, but firm, reaching out to take her hand between his again, like he’d done before. And again, it made her heart flutter. “Your blood status is not what makes you special. You’re special because of how you’re trying to figure out the truth for yourself, despite what your family told you. You’re special because of how you’re able to memorize and analyze lyrics, and how you light up when you put on an album you love. You’re special because of how you make me feel like an absolute idiot when we talk about Arithmancy, not because you’re trying to make me feel bad, but because you’re just that good. You’re special because you’re fiercely protective of your sisters. You’re special because you still love that House Elf even if you won’t say it. You’re special because you like to do rounds alone, and I’m so lucky for it because it means I got to know you for who you are, not because of your blood status. There are so many things that make you special, Bella.” 

Bellatrix felt like she hadn’t taken a breath since he’d begun speaking. His eyes hadn’t left hers the whole time, showing his sincerity with every second. In all the times the Dark Lord had made her feel special, he had never made her feel like this. More than special: she felt seen. 

She leaned forward and hugged him tightly, burying her face in his chest. She knew if she tried to make a single sound she would burst into tears, so she hoped holding him close would say everything she couldn’t. 

After a long, long moment in his arms, him in hers, she finally pulled back and smiled up at him, still not able to say a word, but the look in his eye told her she didn’t need to. He understood. Of course he understood. 

She turned to Lily, who seemed to be fighting tears with a smile. Bella held out her arms in offer, and Lily accepted, hugging her tightly. 

“I know it’s hard, but you’re trying, and that’s all that matters,” Lily told her before they pulled apart. 

Bella took a deep breath and then poured herself a new cup of tea, mostly to have something to do with her hands and something to look at for a moment. She took a deep breath before meeting their eyes again. “Thank you. Both of you. I…am trying to figure it out.” 

~ 

When Bella got back to the Slytherin common room it was still fairly empty, but filling up. The Sun was starting to set, so Slytherin’s across the castle were slowly losing light and returning to the comfort of their home turf. 

Narcissa was sitting in the chairs closest to the staircase, alone. All Bella wanted was to curl up in her own bed, put on an album (magical since she’d be in a shared space), and process. Unfortunately, Cissy watched as Bella crossed the common room in a way that indicated she’d been awaiting her sister’s return, so Bella stopped when she reached the blonde. 

“He-“ Bellatrix began, but was interrupted by an upset, “Where were you?” from Narcissa. 

Bella frowned. “Did we have something planned?” 

“No, but you lied to me, you said you were going to the library to study,” Narcissa accused. 

Now, Bellatrix was an excellent liar. She didn’t make the rooky mistake of giving anything away, since she wasn’t aware of exactly what Narcissa knew. “I did?” was all she said. 

“You weren’t! I went there to find you, and I looked all over, you weren’t there. You lied to me,” Narcissa glared. 

And for the first time in her entire life, she had. 

But, especially after what had happened, there was no way Narcissa would ever understand. 

Bellatrix rolled her eyes. “I did go to the library to study, and then I got hungry. I went to the kitchens, then just wandered around a bit. Castle was nice today,” she shrugged. 

“Bella, I don’t believe you,” Narcissa frowned at her, the hurt evident on her face and in her tone. 

Bellatrix sank down into the chair next to her sister. “Cissy, what is it? You’re freaking out over nothing. What’s really going on?” 

“It’s not nothing!” Narcissa snapped. “You lied to me, and now you’re lying again, I know it.” 

“I’m not lying!” Bellatrix lied. 

“But you are changing!” 

The statement hung in the air between them for a few moments like a living thing; a snake ready to strike whoever broke the silence first. 

“You’re changing,” Narcissa said so softly it was barely a puff of air. “Just like Andy.” 

“Cissy, please,” Bellatrix begged, her voice lowering in volume as well. “Not this again. I have one, sort of, almost, friend whose half blood. That’s it, it’s nothing. We get along, talking about Arithmancy and stuff while doing rounds. He’s nice. That’s it, I swear.” 

Narcissa openly searched her sister’s eyes. Bellatrix focused her mind on that look Remus had given her earlier, when he was saying all the reasons she was special to him, and mimicked it. 

Cissy’s shoulders slumped. “I suppose,” she took a deep breath, “I suppose I’m being paranoid.” 

Bellatrix leaned over and hugged her sister. “I get it. I can’t lose you either.”