Bejeweled

It was almost time for Christmas break before Remus knew it. He was so busy studying for exams, keeping up with prefect duties, staying on top of his own homework while trying to make sure James and Sirius didn’t fail, all while keeping his “furry little problem” a secret and trying not to be obvious about his crush. The time absolutely raced. It felt more and more like his Thursday night rounds with Bellatrix were his only periods of rest. 

Things just felt so easy with her. Sometimes they’d actually do their rounds, quizzing each other for any upcoming tests, catching each other up on their weeks, discussing music, or whatever else happened to come up. Sometimes they’d just go to the Room of Requirement and listen to music and chat or do homework, or explore the room of hidden things, just seeing what they could find. Whatever they did, Remus would dread its inevitable end, and curse the full moon even more when it kept him away from her. Because despite what he wanted, they couldn’t hang out any other time. 

Besides his friends, the rest of the school was oblivious to whatever was happening between them. As far as anyone else knew, they were civil during their prefect rounds and had no reason to do anything but ignore each other the rest of the time. Remus wouldn’t have minded shouting from the rooftops that he was absolutely mad about her, but he would have bet all of what little money he had to his name that she did not share that sentiment. Maybe she was fine being his friend, maybe she was fine listening to muggle music once in a while, maybe she was even fine sneaking into the library one night and stealing a Muggle Studies textbook to help her figure out what some lyrics meant, but all of that didn’t change the fact that she was Bellatrix Black. Pureblood princess. Queen of Slytherin House. And absolutely not willing to risk any of that, especially not for him. 

That didn’t mean he wouldn’t miss her over break. 

“Are you looking forward to the holidays?” he asked as they did their last rounds of the semester. He wondered if he was just imagining the way she also seemed to walk slower than ever, trying to drag out their last bit of time together. 

“Yeah, it’ll be nice to see my family again,” she nodded, but didn’t seem enthusiastic. 

“Yeah, me too. I miss my dad,” he admitted. 

“Yeah,” she answered, seeming like she had something on her mind. 

Remus stopped walking, reaching out to touch her arm to stop her as well. “Are you alright?” he asked with concern once they were facing each other. “Sirius says his family can be awful, so since…” he trailed off, unsure how he was going to finish that sentence. Sirius hated his family because they were blood purists, obviously Bellatrix didn’t have that problem. 

“No, it’s not that,” she answered. She hesitated, worrying her lower lip as she looked up with him with those beautiful brown eyes. “It’s just, well…I know it’s just two weeks, but I’m going to miss you,” she sighed. 

“Oh.” Remus felt warmth spread through his entire body. “I’m going to miss you too. But it’ll be alright. It’s just two weeks, and we’ll be partners again next semester.” 

Bellatrix had assured him that the Head Boy and Girl had already agreed to her request, putting his worry to rest the previous week. 

“I know all that,” she snapped, starting to get angry for a reason unbeknownst to him. “So why am I still dreading it like this? It’s not even a big deal!” Bellatrix huffed. 

They were so close. She was standing right in front of him, looking up at him with confusion and frustration and something else that he was afraid to hope for. It felt like they’d stepped into a different reality somehow, alone in the dark, quiet, chilly corridor away from the rest of the world and all the reasons why he couldn’t have what he wanted. Unless she wanted it too. 

Remus hadn’t told his hand to reach up and cup her cheek, but he realized it was softly resting there. She tilted her head slightly into the touch, her eyes flicking down to his lips. 

Well. No time like the present. 

Remus leaned in and kissed her softly, wondering if whatever spell that put them in this position would break. It didn’t. 

When he pulled away to meet her eyes, see her reaction, it felt like being on a precipice. There was no air, time standing still, waiting to see if she’d shove him away in disgust or not. They stood there for only a moment, looking in each other’s eyes and coming to some sort of agreement. 

Remus shoved her back against the wall and kissed her with abandon. 

Was it the same wall he’d shoved her against all those months ago? Hand at her throat, wand in his hand, threatening to curse her? 

The way she kissed him back made it feel like an electric current was zapping through his entire body, head to toe. That same desperate passion that made him think she’d been wanting this just as badly as he had. 

It was the most deliriously happy moment of his entire life. And life had a way of taking any and all happiness from Remus Lupin. 

When they finally pulled away from the kiss, a stupid grin on his face, he saw the devastation on hers. 

Oh no. 

He backed up right away, no longer smiling. “I am so sorry, I shouldn’t hav-“

She held up her hand to stop him. “No, no,” she shook her head. “No, please don’t be sorry. I just…I shouldn’t have done that. I’m-I’m seeing someone.” 

He felt his heart drop. “Oh.” What else was he supposed to say? 

“I-I’m sorry. I should have…” Bellatrix put her hands over her eyes, pressing her fingers against them softly. “Fuck!” 

“No, no, don’t apologize.” Remus straightened his back and cleared his throat. Now was not the time to let his emotions get the better of him. “We both just…got carried away. It’s fine. It’s nothing.” 

“Can we just pretend it never happened?” she pleaded. 

Remus would do anything to get that look of horror, disappointment, fear off of her face. “Of course,” he agreed without hesitation. “That’s for the best. Never happened.” 

“Good,” she nodded. 

“Good,” he nodded. 

They stood that way, awkwardly, not moving, for a beat. 

“Shall we, um,” he cleared his throat, “carry on with rounds then?” 

“Yeah,” she agreed with a jerky nod. “Yeah.” 

Bellatrix straightened herself, cleared her own throat, and resumed walking. Not glancing in his direction for a long time. 

It had to be at least half an hour with neither of them saying anything, and the silence was going to drive him completely mad. 

Well, pretending it had never happened meant they were still friends, right? They could still talk about whatever? Just chat and pass the time, right? 

He tried to think of something to say. Something to get things back on track, but the only thing he could think of would throw it into even more chaos. But at this point, did it really matter? She would just tell the Head Boy and Girl she changed her mind, that she wanted a different partner, and he’d never get to talk to her again. It was all over anyway, why not throw caution to the wind? 

“Who is it?” he finally asked. 

Bellatrix looked up at him, slightly startled. “What?” 

“Who are you seeing? You’ve never said anything, so I just…wondered,” he shrugged. 

“Oh.” She worried her lip again, like she’d done just before he’d kissed her. He wanted to die. “Do you promise you won’t tell anyone? Especially not your friends?” 

“Of course,” he promised, and he meant it. 

He did not like the smile that crossed her face, purely because of his own jealousy. “The Dark Lord,” she answered. 

Remus blinked several times, he must have heard her wrong. “…what?” 

“Yep,” she grinned proudly. 

”And he…you…” Did she just have a crush on him? But obviously it couldn’t be reciprocated. Right? 

“Yes, actually together,” Bellatrix nodded. 

Remus wanted to throw up. “But he’s like 30!” 

“35,” Bellatrix corrected. “So what?” 

“So what? That’s….disgusting!” He wasn’t trying to insult her, just the things that flitted through his brain were awful. She was only 17 and he was 35?! 

Bellatrix rounded on him, rage in her eyes. “I don’t need you judging me for my choices! I love him and he loves me and it doesn’t matter what you think of it!” 

Remus held his hands up in a surrender gesture. “I’m not judging you, Bella, I’m judging him. I know you’re technically an adult, but I don’t trust his motivations. I mean, not that I trust that man in general, but still, I’m worried he’s just using you in some way,” he told her in a calm voice. “I…I care about you, is all.” 

That seemed to calm her a little bit, but he could tell she was still upset. “Well, he’s not. He loves me,” she insisted. “You’re just jealous!” 

“Maybe I am,” he sighed. “Look, I hope I’m wrong,” Remus told her sincerely. He wanted to reach out and touch her, but refrained. “I want you to be happy.” 

He wanted her to be happy. And to give up her blood supremacist views. And to be with him. Apparently he wouldn’t be getting what he wanted. 

“Well…good,” she muttered, and turned to keep walking. 

Things were awkward and tense the rest of their time together. Remus could tell he’d seriously messed up with her, but couldn’t find it in himself to regret it. Well, not what he’d said anyway. The kiss…he wasn’t sure if he regretted that or not. 

On one hand it felt like the beginning of the end, what had started the break that would surely crack their friendship apart, but…the way she’d kissed him back. It made him think, even now, that his feelings were reciprocated. At least to a point. 

Then again, that didn’t seem to matter. She was taken by the most evil wizard in history, who was way too old for her, and on top of that, Remus had ruined whatever friendship they had by being disgusted by it. 

When they finally got back to the Great Hall their goodbyes were short, and then Remus started the long trek back to Gryffindor tower.