Hell Hath No Fury Like a Lupin Scorned
“Ah! How often, while your rough fingers twisted the thread,
your over-heavy hand broke the spindle!”
The Heroides - IX: Deianira to Hercules
Monday 28th October, 1975
“I spoke to Evan.”
Remus stopped in the hallway and turned around, lips still half around a blood pop and eyes wide.
”You did?” Remus blinked at Pandora once he had removed it.
Remus had, regrettably, been so caught up in the Halloween prank that he’d completely blanked about the whole Pandora and Evan and Barty situation. To be fair, Pandora didn’t particularly like to talk about it without the subject being brought up herself, but Remus let himself feel bad because he wanted to. For Pandora and for the little paper heart he kept in his pocket.
Xenophilius, after asking Remus for a certain teacup, had been sending her those horrid little eyeball sweets Remus remembered form his trick or treating days as a Halloween gift (apparently it was a big celebration in the Lovegood household). Pandora, of course, had loved it and had run to show Remus every single one before she ate them. It was an effort to cheer her up, Remus saw that now. Maybe he should’ve been doing something, too. Maybe he should’ve been encouraging her to talk to hi—
“What’s that look for?” Pandora’s eyebrows crinkled as they sat themselves in a nearby alcove. She then proceeded to pluck the blood pop out of Remus’ hand and shove it into her mouth.
Well, alright then.
”I’m just trying to figure out if I should’ve been more attentive with this whole… Barty-Evan thing.”
Pandora’s face softened with something fond and she chuckled as she passed him the lolly back, “Remus, don’t worry. After all this time, I’ve sort of expected to… well, not expect things from you.”
Remus gawked, shoulders slumping, “That’s awful!”
”No it’s not, it’s just you.” She laughed, “If I need something, I know I can ask. But you’re not as much of a mind reader as people like Xeno and Dorcas are.”
But Remus didn’t want to be that. Remus wanted to notice when something was off and know exactly how to make that person feel better. He wanted to be attentive and a source of comfort. He wanted—
No.
Fuck that. Remus did not have his epiphany for this.
Remus did what he could. He tried when he knew he should and he cared with all the strength of his own heart along with the one in his pocket. Pandora was right, he wasn’t a mind reader. But he had figured his own mind out. He wasn’t perfect—nobody was—and there would always be room for improvement. But Remus did not need to work himself up over ‘what if’s and ‘maybe’s when he was still working through the ‘now’s. Acceptance, that’s what he could do.
He would not be perfect, but that was okay.
Because he could be there.
Because, now, he could be there for Pandora.
“Alright, then.” Remus nodded, bending his long legs uncomfortably to try and fit on the windowsill, “What did you talk about?”
And Pandora told him. Explained exactly what Evan did to each of her questions and told Remus exactly how she felt about them. It was a special thing, really, that Remus got to be there. Got to be this for her. And if doing what he could was all it took, he’d gladly be proud of that.
*
“You look ridiculous.” Was the giggling whisper that drifted behind him.
Remus watched as Sirius took his seat across the room, furiously wiping at the red that surely stained his mouth. The other boy plonked himself down in his usual spot between James and Peter, waggling his eyebrows at Remus as he took out a very familiar book.
You know, I still don’t understand why you wont use this for Muggle Studies but will for Transfig.
Muggle Studies is sacred, Moony. We can’t just do what we normally do.
And communicating using what is practically a mix of a letter and a telephone is normal?
Oh, behave. Let me have my fun.
I can think of plenty of ways we can have fun that don’t involve as much effort.
Remus!
Remus snorted into his palm as he watched Sirius’ face turn a bright pink and his eyes dart across the room all wide. James was laughing next to him and Peter was clearly trying—and failing—to not be amused. Now, before Sirius, Remus had no interest or care in whether he was vulgar or not, even if the statement was relatively mild or if it wasn’t intended to be suggestive at all. After Sirius? That was a different story.
It was barely the first day in their relationship when Remus realised how easy it was to fluster Sirius. You wouldn’t expect it, with his reputation, but Sirius Black was all talk. Throughout the years, the only interactions he had ever really seen Sirius have were with girls who approached and flirted. This had previously been Remus’ way of trying to see how he could bat the girls off, watching to see how boys his age dished out rejection in a way that sent across the right message.
Remus had not even realised, until now, that out of the all of boys who he observed, Sirius was the one who rejected them the most—ergo, Remus was watching Sirius the most. But that was not the point. Moving on: Remus had realised, very quickly, that Sirius went pinker than Pandora after a day in the sun at even the slightest hint of sex.
This hadn’t been evident, of course, when they had been communicating only by book. And Remus thought it was fucking hilarious that Sirius couldn’t take as much as he gave—when Remus had told him that, Sirius had covered his mouth to muffle his snickers.
“Hey, look at this.” Remus chuckled as he felt a presence—who he assumed was Pandora—sit down next to him. He promptly slammed the book shut, grin dropping, when he came face-to-face with Lily Evans.
”Look at what?” She smiled.
Remus blinked at her.
“Is it alright if I sit here?” Lily continued, when it was clear Remus was not going to elaborate.
”Er—“
No. That was Pandora’s seat. Why was Lily Evans sitting next to him out of all of the places Lily Evans could sit? Surely Lily Evans would like to sit with her friends a few rows down. Why was Lily Evans sitting next to him?!
”Oh. Hello, Lily.” Pandora tittered, sweetly, taking the spot on the other side of her, “I didn’t know you were sitting with us today.”
“I thought I’d have a bit of a change of pace. Get to know my fellow prefects better.” Lily’s smile was tight and she didn’t look away once from him.
Remus was terrified.
Looking for assistance he was probably not going to find, Remus glanced across the room to see all three Marauders (or fellow Marauders, apparently) gawking straight at the pair of them. He turned back to find Lily entirely unfazed as she unpacked her belongings.
Why is Lily there?
Why is she sat there?
Remus?
Remus. What’s she saying?
I don’t know.
I don’t like it.
Remus, how are we supposed to plan?!
I did tell you it would be more efficient to plan later.
There you go again. Taking the fun out of it.
I will resort to fuelling your dirty mind if you carry on.
Fuck off.
What are you bloody blushing now for?!
Nothing!
Literally nothing!
I just
I like that look on your face…
Snorting, Remus closed the book again. When Lily looked at him funny, he just stared at her blankly while his brain waited for his mouth to explain. It did not.
The first ten minutes of the lesson went surprisingly normal, apart from Sirius stressing like he had a point to prove. Though, Remus didn’t really blame him. There were three days until Halloween and they were really pushing this plan up as far as they could but, so they had enough time to prepare, three days was pretty much the deadline.
Remus wasn’t paying attention to professor McGonagall or Lily Evans. Remus was preoccupied. This prank was surely going to be, in James’ words, the Marauders’ best prank yet. The issue, however, with this spectacularly brilliant prank, was that it was particularly difficult to execute.
Can we go tomorrow night?
Can’t. James is on patrol.
Right. So tonight, then?
It’ll have to be. No way we can get it done the night before in case it goes wrong.
And if it goes wrong tonight?
We’ll just have to go without Prongs.
Why can’t we just let a boggart loose in the school or something instead?
Merlin, you can tell you’re a Slytherin.
Do you want dead parents up and down the halls?
Actually
Oi!
No wishing death on parents. We’re busy.
”You take a lot of notes.”
”What?” Remus chokes out, closing the book again and swivelling his head to look at Lily.
“Nothing. Does it help you remember better?”
“No? I mean—it’s just something I do. Something everyone does! Taking notes is a completely normal thing to—“
”Ignore him. He’s PMS-ing.” Pandora butted in, towards them.
Remus spluttered, “Will you stop conspiring with Dorcas!”
”Mr Lupin. Something you’d like to share?” Professor McGonagall’s voice cut through.
Remus just heaved a great sigh and felt his shoulders slump.
*
“I know why you were with Sirius that night.” Lily informed him after class. Cornered him, really.
“What?” Remus blinked, throat going rather dry.
It wasn’t that he was bothered, per se. It was just that Remus was a Marauder now. And one of the rules of being a Marauder, as James so promptly informed him, was that jeopardising his future relationship with Lily Evans meant permanent exile. Remus was pretty sure he meant no dating her, but there were plenty other ways Remus knew he could put his foot in it.
Remus had no idea where Lily stood when it came to homophobia. She was muggleborn, for starters, and Remus had only ever come into contact with one known gay muggle in his life. He was being thrown out of a pub a fourteen-year-old Remus had been walking past at that time and the owner was screaming derogatory things his way. The man had barrelled straight into him, knocking Remus and his shopping over, cracking his head open and Remus’ eggs.
The man had apologised profusely, offering to buy Remus a drink and some new shopping. Remus assumed he was too drunk to realise he was any younger than sixteen so he declined but gave him a bag of frozen chips from his carrier bag for his head and waved him off. What if Lily felt the same as the man who owned the pub? What if Lily didn’t want anything to do with he or Sirius and, therefore, James.
“You’re planning something for Halloween.”
Oh!
Well.
“No, we’re not.” Remus answered, immediately, shaking his head.
”Yes, you are.” She insisted, “I know you are.”
“No, you don’t.”
“Yes, I do.”
”No, you don’t.”
”I do!”
”No?”
”Yes!”
”No!”
”Yes!”
”Yes! Wait—”
“A-ha!” She gasped, playfully thrusting a finger in his direction, “I will figure out what you’re planning and I will make you rue the day you decided to conspire with them.”
”Conspire with them?!” Remus gasped, bringing a hand to his chest, “I’m not conspiring with the Marauders, Lily. I am a Marauder.”
The grin on her lips dropped wide open and she let out a choking laugh, “Remus!”
”It’s true. Appointed by James Potter himself.”
She buried her face in one of her palms, though her shoulders shook, “You’re a prefect.”
”So’s he.” Remus shrugged, watching as she dropped her hand and rolled her eyes.
”I’ll do everything in my power to stop you ruining Halloween, you know.” Lily told him, crossing her arms.
”Trick or Treat, Lily. It’s in the name.” He told her, hanging his bag strap on his shoulder and making his way down the corridor.
”They’re a bad influence on you!” She called after him.
*
“It’s this way! I know it is.”
”Prongs, it’s not. The book said it’s about five-hundred metres north of the Bowtruckle colony near the lake.”
”That book is hundreds of years old.”
”It literally updates with the forest! That’s the entire point of it!” Sirius shrilled, exasperated.
”I remember from when we snuck in here in second year. There were tons of webs near the outside and it was just left of a massive, toppled-over tree covered in mushrooms.”
”And I suppose we’ll trust the judgement of twelve-year-old James then?”
“How the fuck did I get stuck with you absolute mental patients?” Peter hissed, his voice shaky and breathing laboured. He was clutching his lantern with somehow both the strength of a butterfly and a hippopotamus, the thing shaking furiously.
Remus had never been in the forbidden forest, himself. He had seen it, of course, the outskirts when he went on his occasional walks and the tops of it when he wound up on the astronomy tower. He had never seen the inside, though. The air was damp in a way that made him feel simultaneously thick yet as clear as water and the scent unlocked something primal in him—he could smell as far as the droplets of water on the leaves and the wilting of the last flowers holding on through autumn. It made him want to run and run and never stop.
Remus was about ninety percent sure this plan was a massive mistake. It didn’t help that he was a week away from the moon, the waxing gibbous taunting him from behind the trees and making him uncomfortably close to snapping at James and Sirius to call for silence. They’d already scared off any creature in a twenty metre radius and Remus really did not want to disturb the calm of the forest any further than they already would be doing.
No. It was the calm of the students he wanted to disturb.
”How about we just go the way the book said and, if it’s wrong, we can go the way you said?” Sirius tried. And James seemed to go with the compromise—though, he was rather dejected afterwards, kicking every rock that got in his way like it had personally offended him.
The four of them were each clutching lanterns even though Remus could see perfectly fine without them. At first, the plan had been to just use lumos. But since the Forbidden Forest wasn’t technically on Hogwarts grounds, any magic they performed would be underage and illegal—not to mention, they didn’t want a single part of this prank to be tracked back to them where the trace was concerned.
“How much further?” Peter piped up, swatting the branch of a bush away with his forearm.
”Only a couple hundred metres or so now, I reckon.” James reassured him.
Remus cleared his throat and scratched at his cheek, “So, er, what’s the plan when we get there again?”
Sirius twisted his head back to face him, a fond smile on his lips as he waited for Remus and looped their arms together, “Don’t worry, Moony. We’ll be just outside.”
”But you mean that, though. When you say outside.” Remus asked, eyebrows furrowed, “Like you’ll be as far away from them as possible?”
”Of course we do. We’re not idi—mgh!“
Sirius was looking at him with wide eyes as Remus stared back, hand clamped firmly over Sirius’ mouth. James and Peter stopped immediately, turning around to look at them both with startled suspicion.
”What? Moony, what?” James hissed and Remus quickly dropped the lantern onto the ground to use that hand to do a shushing signal.
“Voices.” Remus mouthed, swirling his finger around in the air.
Peter made a sound of discomfort and James winced, glancing around so quickly he had to readjust his glasses. Remus, however, quickly gasped and drew his hand away as though he had been burned when he felt a wet pressure against his palm. Looking at him, Sirius dissolved into silent snickers with his tongue still out.
”Fuck sake—you have zero survival instinct.” Remus whispered, going to bring his hand to his robes.
”If you wipe that off, I’m breaking up with you.” Sirius declared in a hiss that was meant to be playful. Pre-moon-stral Remus did not see it that way.
”Wha—so I’m supposed to walk about with a wet palm?!”
”Would you have wiped it if I kissed it?”
“That’s not the same!”
”It’s so the same!”
”Guys.”
“You really are just like a dog.” Remus scoffed.
”Moony, I was joking.”
”What?! Who jokes about something like that?”
”Guys!”
”What’s up with you today? You’ve been all on edge and… hostile.”
”Hostile? Me? You just told me you were breaking up with me because—“
”Remus!” Peter shrilled and, this time, both he and Sirius swivelled around exasperatedly.
”Oh, shit.”
Ahead of them, couldn’t have been more than ten feet, were a group absolutely massive, grey, burly centaurs wielding drawn bows. One was clearly the leader, measuredly taller and larger than the other two and standing with his arrow pointed straight at James and Peter, the other two’s pointed at the floor. All three were at least seven feet tall and looking at Remus and his friends like they were shit on the bottom of their shoe. Or hoof, he supposed.
“What business do you have here?” Boomed the largest one, all four of them winced and Remus felt Sirius grip the hand he licked in an iron hold.
“Er—“ Remus managed to choke out. A feat he should’ve been put in Gryffindor for.
”I think they are young, Bane.” One of the smaller ones said. A female, Remus guessed, with long, white hair like Pandora’s.
The leader—Bane, he supposed—lowered his arrow, though he kept it drawn, “Speak. What are you doing here? The moon is not yet full.”
Shit.
Do centaurs kill werewolves? They killed humans, he knew that, but he was pretty sure it was conditional, right? For fuck sake, he needed to think! He was not prepared for this.
“We’re visiting.” He blurted.
The centaurs blinked at him.
”We wanted to—ahem—we have—I have friends. Who live in the forest. Yep.”
”They wished for you to bring humans?” Bane asked, knuckles white around the stick of his arrow. Right. Fuck. That wasn’t a sentence that made sense. It was fine—Remus would figure out a way to explain it to James and Peter later.
“Did you take the potion already?” James hissed in his direction, clearly intending for it to go unheard. The other male centaur, also donned with long, blonde hair, quirked an eyebrow in his direction, however.
Oh, bless James Potter and his ability to be oblivious. Remus nodded jerkily.
”My friends—my human friends. They wanted to meet them. Get educated on how to respect the forest.”
”Your human friends wish to learn respect?” The female snorted.
“Yeah. Yeah, they do.”
“Now, now, Kalera. Do not be so closed minded.” The younger male spoke, then turned to Bane, “They are young. They are wearing the uniform.”
”You spend too much time near the castle, Firenze.” Bane muttered, before turning back to them, “Who are these friends you wish to visit?”
”Er—“
”You are lying. I can see it in your faces.” Bane declared, jaw set.
They were all silent for a few moments, but Remus’ brain certainly was not. It had gone so far into panic mode that it seemed to have forgotten literally everything.
“You’re right.” Breathed Sirius from beside him, “He is lying.”
Remus turned to him, wide-eyed.
”We’re here… for the stars.” He continued, voice slowly getting steadier, “You can see them best from inside the forest. Light pollution—and all that.”
“What do you know about the stars, human?” Kalera practically sneered. She did not remind him of Pandora anymore.
“Lot’s. I wish to speak to them, actually.” Sirius took a slight step forwards, not letting go of Remus’ hand, “Well, for them to speak to me. You see, my mother isn’t well. I’ve tried looking to the moon, but it’s been quite stubborn recently—“ Remus noticed the slight glance in his direction with a jolt of amusement, “-so I’d like to get a better look at Saturn’s progression and transits. Maybe take a look at Chiron, too.”
Oh, Remus was going to kiss him so hard when they didn’t die.
The three of them blinked at him, more than likely startled. The only thing Remus really understood about what Sirius said was the thing about Chiron, funnily enough. Or not so funny, actually. Chiron was a centaur, in Greek mythology. More importantly, he was known as the ‘wounded healer’. A creature who lived to save others but was destined to suffer a chronic injury of his own. It was perfect, ironically, for the whole ‘sick mum’ thing. A hero. Remus would have believed it, too, if it weren’t for the wry smile on Sirius’ face as he’d spoke.
”You know a lot of the stars.” Bane commented.
”I grew up with them telling me what to do.” Sirius told him. Remus almost missed the tiny snort James gave.
He was quiet for a moment or two, and about to open his mouth when Peter burst out, “Please don’t kill us!”
Crooking one eyebrow, Bane looked Peter up and down before glancing at the rest of them. Remus thought the look would say something like ‘you know this idiot?’ if Bane were less refined.
”We do not harm young.”
”Oi, I’m not y—!“ James was cut off by Peter stamping on his shoe.
“Right, then. You were making a lot of noise earlier. I trust you will be silent from now on?”
Sirius nodded, “Yes, sir.”
”Be on your way.”
Remus left his lantern behind in favour of clutching onto Sirius when the centaurs departed, lifting him up and practically plastering him koala-style to his front as he swung him around.
”Jesus Merlin.” Remus breathed, letting his feet fall to the floor, “You’re so clever.”
Sirius snorted as though Remus was being silly (as though he hadn’t been struggling to keep his laughing quiet when Remus hauled him up), “Come on, you big lug. Bloody hell, we should have near-death experiences more often.”
As it turned out, Remus got off pretty well on account of telling James and Peter that he’d already taken the ‘potion’ Remus was supposed to drink later on tonight. The ‘potion’ was something Sirius had entirely made up when they had come up with the plan previously, stating he had found it in a library search one day. Something that would supposedly trick creatures that were hostile to humans into thinking he wasn’t human.
That didn’t matter, of course. Remus wasn’t human anyway.
‘Why?’ was the question. Why did they need to come into contact with creatures harmful to humans? Why would this be necessary for the greatest prank in Hogwarts history? Why couldn’t they have just gone with the fucking boggart idea? Remus did not know. So far, his time as a Marauder (if you didn’t count the kissing Sirius part) had been quite dreadful.
As it turned out, Sirius’ book had been right. But James took great pride in the fact the toppled-over tree was actually just by the nest. James had clapped his hands together when they arrived, lips pulled over his teeth in a shit-eating grin. He was starting to understand what put Lily off. James was absolutely terrifying when he wanted to be.
Well, when he was sending you into an acromantula nest and you knew you could do nothing to stop it or your very human friends would get hurt.
“Moony, you remember the incantation, don’t you?” Sirius hissed at him, the previous iron-grip from early back but now bracing his shoulders.
”I do.” Remus nodded, quirking an eyebrow.
”You’re too calm.” Sirius swallowed, “Why are you always so calm?”
“I can assure you, Padfoot. I’m shitting myself.”
”Alright. Good.” Sirius nodded, screwing his eyes together as though it gave him peace of mind before snapping them open again, “Wait—not good… I just mean—at least you’ve got some survival instinct.”
”Eh…” Remus shrugged, grimacing slightly.
”Eh? What d’you mean ‘eh’?!—“
“Alright, Padfoot.” Peter pat him on the shoulder, giving his robes a tug, “We’ve got this sorted, yeah? Moony is going to be fine.”
“I’ll be fine. But you wont, if you come in. Just focus on staying out here and get ready to run if we need to.”
After a moment of staring at Remus like he was going… well, like he was going into a giant spider’s nest, Sirius nodded with his lips pressed into a thin line.
”Oh, for fuck sake.” Peter sighed from behind him, “I can’t do running.”
Neither could Remus, to be fair. The moon was already aggravating him and his leg was about as useful as a forty-year-old’s. It would be fine, though. He was a werewolf. He could run if need be.
James was padding hesitantly over to him by the time Peter had managed to detach Sirius. He handed Remus a lantern, which he took because it would be suspicious if he didn’t, then stood back hesitantly, lips pursed as though they were debating whether it was a good idea to let the words out.
”You—uh, you sure that potion’s gonna work alright?” James eventually asked, blinking. His eyes were a little bit comically big behind his glasses. Dark brown and round like a puppy dog’s.
“It will, Prongs. Don’t worry.” Remus said, the barest hint of a fond smirk firming his cheeks.
”S’just that… you know. You took it a bit early. What if it runs out? Or what if like—if Padfoot’s brewed it wrong.”
“It worked before, didn’t it?”
James looked back up from where he had been attempting to play the nonchalant card, digging the tip of his shoe into the dirt, “Yeah, yeah.”
Remus chuckled, “It’ll be alright, James. I promise.”
He nodded, solemnly, “I know. I just don’t think Padfoot’ll ever get over if you died before he got to give you a blowie.”
“I’m going in now.” Remus announced to the three of them, glancing around and giving Sirius one last smile. He scooped up his lantern from the floor before he could be dragged behind any longer and walked in with about as confident a stride as he could muster.
The entrance pretty much appeared to be a mound of dirt, one side of it scooped out for a large entryway. When he crossed into the threshold, the ground sloped down, so steep Remus nearly had to brace himself into a crouch—he made a point to try a running start when he left. It seemed to just keep going, down, down, down until he finally reached what could’ve been some sort of level ground.
That was when he saw it; glinting into a silky sheen where it drew over the walls. Remus made no effort to hesitate when he surged forwards, gathering as much as the thick web he could. Why was it necessary for Remus to go willingly into a cannibalistic spiders’ nest? Well, the idea had initially been Sirius’.
*
“How in the name of Merlin are we supposed to stick them?” James asked, eyebrows pulled strongly down as he glanced between the three boys.
“Good point.” Sirius nodded, “I mean, we could try a sticking charm but I doubt any of us have the ability to make them stay for very long.”
The four Marauders sat with that. The idea was the best they’d had. They’d had good ideas, of course, but none of this calibre. None that would leave an imprint as much as this would. Remus could imagine it now, ‘You see the chaser on that plaque? Him and his friends were the ones who stuck the tables and benches to the walls in the great hall.’.
“Well, there’s got to be a potion or something that’ll help it?” Remus offered.
*
That was how they got to the acromantula webs. Apparently, as Sirius and Peter said after a trip to the library, they’re one of the strongest adhesives known to mankind. All they’d need to do was spread them as much as they could on the walls and then levitate the tables. They could do it, with the four of them combined, they knew. It was just a bit of a hassle to obtain the webs.
< Skip >
Remus gathered as much as he could into his arms, glancing around rhythmically to make sure nobody had caught him invading their home. And, of course, because it was just typical, it wasn’t long until Remus heard the disgusting pitter-patter of legs above him. He looked up with a sigh. It was at least five feet across, thousands of eyes reflecting off the light of the lamp discarded on the ground and covered in fucking fur.
”Shit.” Was all that left his mouth before the giant spider dropped directly onto him, sending him thudding to the floor and his vision… his vision…
*
When Remus came to, there was something digging into his inner thigh and his head was bumping a rhythmless beat where it dragged across the floor. The first thing he saw was the ceiling chock full of winding vines and he wondered if they had been there near the entrance. Remus looked down with a grimace to see the same white web he had been gathering before was wrapped around his ankle and a stick, he presumed had been picked up on the way, was dangerously close to stabbing him in the balls.
With a groan, Remus lifted his swimming head up as well as he could and reached to pluck the stick from between his legs. He debated throwing it at the spider dragging him, but that more than likely wasn’t the best idea, so he discarded it.
”Where’ya taking me?” Remus muttered, mostly to himself. He expected a hiss in his direction or something to disorient him further.
What he absolutely did not expect, however, for the spider to answer.
”To mother.”
“Oh. Brilliant.” Remus grimaced, letting his head fall back onto the floor again. When he did, he saw that, what he had previously thought was vines, were actually hundreds—hundreds—of legs.
Yes, legs. Legs and eyes and hair and oh, Christ, Remus had never really been scared of spiders before but now certainly felt like a good time to be.
“Do you have it?” The voice wasn’t deeper than the spider’s that dragged him, but it was louder in the sense it had more of an impact on Remus’ eardrums. The bass of it so strong Remus felt it rumble against his spine.
“Yes, mother.” The spider he was attached to replied.
”Leave it for me.”
Remus finally came to a stop with a grunt. He sat up, thumbing his temples, before taking the opportunity to finally have a proper look around.
Oh.
Oh, that was a big spider.
It was bigger than the the others. At least three times the size with two huge eyes the size of watermelons settled in tiny ones that surrounded it. It was settled in the corner, its eight legs bowed slightly from the weight it held and joints almost quivering.
“What business do you have in my home?”
Here we go again.
The sound Remus made as he sat up properly was more than likely embarrassing, but that didn’t matter when there was a fifteen foot spider in front of you, “Well—I was actually just sort of wondering if you had any webs to spare…?”
The spider’s eyes narrowed, “Did Hagrid send you?”
“Uh—yeah! Yeah, Hagrid sent me. He’s… we’re good mates.” Remus blinked. Why the fuck was Hagrid on speaking terms with an acromantula?
“Mates?”
”No! Oh, fuck. No, no, no! It’s—it’s a wizard term. Like friends.”
The spider seemed to regard him for a moment, “Hagrid would like some of the web my children have worked tirelessly to procure?”
Remus nodded, eyebrows high on his head, “Yeah. Yeah.”
”So he sent a human?”
Remus’ face dropped, “No! I’m—a werewolf. A lycanthrope. Y’know, like—grr.” He barred his teeth then immediately regretted it. Alright. He wouldn’t tell Sirius that one.
This time, the spider didn’t respond. Remus took the opening to carefully stand up, holding his hands out in what he hoped was a soothing gesture to show he was no threat.
”My name is Remus. Remus Lupin.” He told the spider.
”Well, Remus Lupin. You are lucky my husband did not find you. He would not have hesitated to check you were not a human.”
”Husb—?“
”I am Mosag. Wife to Aragog, mother of his children.”
”And we’re doing this now.” Remus muttered.
“You will tell me why Hagrid did not come here himself, Remus Lupin, or I will let my children tear you limb from limb.” Mosag ordered, her voice booming.
“Well, he’s a bit busy, er—Mosag.” Remus told her, nodding jerkily, “He’s been looking after—after his pumpkins. They’re getting really big now, you should see them. And it’s really important he gives them twenty-four hour surveillance so they’re ready.”
”Ready for what?”
”For Halloween. Y’know… the celebration. All Hallows eve and that.”
Remus jerked back slightly as Mosag lifted one great leg and pushed herself towards him, her many eyes glinting as though she were surveying him.
”If you are a wolf, why are you not a creature of the forest?” She rumbled, her voice lower than it was.
”I’m a wizard, too, aren’t I?”
“And the wizards accept you, even when in your true form?”
”Not all of them.” Remus answered, simply, “But that hardly matters, does it? Why do I need all of them? I’m very happy with just the one I have.”
Mosag drew back, pincers clicking in a way that, hilariously, reminded Remus of Poppy when she tutted. He probably shouldn’t tell her that, though.
“I think I will let you go.”
Remus’ eyebrows shot up his head, “Really?” He cleared his throat, “I mean—thanks.”
“You may take to Hagrid what you need of my web, not my children’s.” Mosag informed him, “But, should you return, I expect a message of forewarning.”
Remus was about as sure that he would return as he was that he would snog Snape. Even if there wasn’t a strong chance he’d make an enemy of a spider after Hagrid surely told her he had nothing to do with his appearance, he was not going through this again.
“Thank you—Mosag.” Remus blinked, glancing around momentarily at the web that surrounded them, “I take it this is your—“
”Remus!”
You’re having a fucking laugh.
Sirius stumbled over his feet, dropping the lantern and rushing over to Remus to grab him by the shoulders and pull him into a hug, “Oh, Merlin. You were gone nearly half-an-hour. I thought something had happen—“
”Sirius…?” Remus’ voice was barely a whisper, cracking through his throat.
Sirius drew back, blinking at him until Remus watched his gaze slide to just over his shoulder. Until Remus watched the colour drain from his cheeks and his expression morph into one of horror.
”Who is this?” Mosag asked, an air of hostility in her tone.
Remus turned around, slowly.
“You neglected to tell me you brought an offering, Remus Lupin. Our conversation would have been much simpler.”
”It can talk.” Remus heard Sirius wheeze from behind him.
”Offering?!” Remus choked, “He’s not an offering?!”
”Then why have you brought him?”
”I didn’t bring him. He was supposed to waitoutside.” Remus ground out.
Mosag, once again, shifted towards them. This time, Remus was still.
Remus wasn’t an angry person. He got frustrated, yes. He sulked, sure. But he wasn’t angry. He wasn’t the type to threaten someone’s wellbeing in a fit of rage or grind his teeth down to stubs because someone insulted his mother. Usually, anyone who tried to make him angry was useless to entertain and Remus had never saw the point in overreacting at anything else.
Apparently, his father could be a hotheaded person. Anyone who ever described him said he was—more often than not—a soft man. He was gentle and thoughtful and had a heart as big as his entire chest. His temper, however, was fickle and delicate. Something to treat with care. Remus thought that was about as dramatic as the way he died.
Now, he was smack bang in the middle of an acromantula nest, talking to the biggest fucking spider he had ever seen and trying to convince it to not eat his idiot of a boyfriend.
Remus was angry.
”Did Hagrid send him also?” Mosag asked.
”No. I didn’t want to come alone so he came with me.”
”That sounds like an offering to me.”
”You touch him and I swear to Salazar I will cut off your stupid massive legs.”
“Remus.” Sirius hissed. But he was not the only one. The smaller spiders around them began to hiss and click like they had been burned.
“Was that a threat?” Mosag questioned. She sounded almost excited.
”Yeah.” Remus scoffed, throwing an arm up, “Yeah, it was. Why’re you allowed to threaten my life but I’m not allowed to threaten yours?”
“I suggest you should take the opportunity I’m giving you to run.”
”Run?! You think I’m gonna fucking run when you’re on about eating my boyfriend?! You are mental.” Remus was being dragged away by Sirius at this point, the arm that was not clutched tight in his grasp flailing like a mad man’s, “And I was just thinking you might not’ve been as bad as I thought.” They were running now, away from the pattering legs that were after them, but Remus was still shouting, “And don’t you dare use the excuse that it’s not in your nature to be forgiving or whatever the fuck because I’m a magical creature, too, and I’m perfectly fine!”
Remus got a good idea of how long he had been passed out for on the run to the exit. At least a couple of minutes, which probably wasn’t healthy and probably was one of the reasons he was currently chewing out a great spider but he had been passed out for longer after moons so he wasn’t too worried.
Sirius, on the other hand…
”What the fuck is wrong with you?!” Sirius shrilled through his panting, fingers tight around Remus’ wrist.
“Me?! What’s wrong with me?!” Remus choked out a high-pitched laugh, “You’re the one who just fucking ran into—“
“Arania exumai!” Sirius cut him off, the spell just narrowly missing Remus’ ear.
”Yeah. Right. Good idea.” Remus nodded, digging in his pocket and taking out his wand.
The two of them began shooting spells so quickly they’d have wowed their professors before they had the chance to expel them. It was more and more difficult, the steeper the ground got, but they just about managed, holding onto each other for dear life and shouting furious expletives each other’s way. They took turns in dragging each other forwards and that seemed to be great for their momentum.
“Sirius!” Remus shouted as the other boy let go of his hand. Around his ankle was a large wad of web, wrapped around in a grip as stubborn as Sirius’ had been. Unstoppable force vs immovable object, he supposed.
“Just go!”
Remus laughed. Actually laughed, “You’re so bloody dramatic. Reducto.”
He surged forwards, hoisting up the Sirius that was closing his eyes and bracing himself for when the spiders eventually caught up by shoving his hands under Sirius’ underarms and lifting. Blinking, Sirius regained his bearings and took Remus’ hand again. They took off in a sprint, too out of breath to continue shouting at each other.
*
< Skip >
”Never in all my years teaching at this school have I been privy to an act so preposterously stupid.”
The four of them were sitting, expressions like kicked dogs, across from Professor McGonagall’s desk in chairs. Sirius’ leg was furiously bouncing and Remus was completely knackered.
“And roping Mr Lupin in with you, what on earth were you thinking?” She scoffed, looking utterly horrified, “Not only have you injured several infant acromantula’s, you have broken about fifty school rules!”
”No, it was my idea.” Remus told her, simply.
McGonagall seemed to do a double take, “It was your idea?”
”Yeah. It was a good plan, too. Of course, ‘til Sirius decided it’d be a good idea to come in after. They weren’t a threat to me.”
Sirius’ leg stilled.
McGonagall looked carefully from him to the other boys and Remus knew exactly what was going through her brain.
”Not with the potion I took.”
”The potion?”
”Yeah. The one that made them think I wasn’t human.”
Again, McGonagall stilled, surveying Remus like she was so utterly exasperated she had no idea what to do with him. It was fine, he knew. The most he’d get was a few house points taken off and a round of detentions. At least, this time, he wouldn’t be the one supervising.
”A potion to make the acromantula’s think you were not human?” She asked, slowly.
”And centaurs, too!” James burst out. Peter hit him on the thigh.
Professor McGonagall brought her pointer fingers to her temples, blowing out a steady breath. Just as she did, the door to her office swung open and Professor Slughorn—who was far too jolly for two in the morning—came bounding in.
“Now, what’s gone on?” He asked, arms crossed in a very put-on stern manner as he stopped just short of the desk. Almost in a way in which you would playfully faux-scold a child. Oh, Remus hated him so much.
“Thank you very much for coming, Horace.” McGonagall sighed, “It seems these boys have roped in one of your own.”
“Mr Lupin?” Slughorn arched an eyebrow, “But you’re one of the best behaved in the year.”
”That’s telling.” Remus muttered, then snapped his mouth shut as McGonagall shot him a warning look.
”Alright, then. We’ll wait for the headmaster until we give you your ruling.” Professor McGonagall said, “I’ll tell Professor Slughorn of your antics while we wait.”