Happy Birthday, Black
“O I wish the harm done you, in your heart’s core,
might be ended by the most beautiful of actions!”
The Heroides - IV: Phaedra to Hippolytus
Friday 1st November, 1975
Fifteen detentions, one-hundred and twenty-five points deducted and a six week suspension from being a prefect.
Oh. And a letter home to his mum.
Remus was only really disappointed with the prefect thing. Though, the notion that the rest of Slytherin house was so useless that he didn’t get stripped of the title completely was, objectively, hilarious. That was, unfortunately, the least of his worries where consequences were concerned. As it turned out, when you cost your house more than half of their points—more so, when a prefect does it—people tend to try and figure out what on earth you could’ve been punished for.
The rumour mill was working so hard that people eventually stopped asking him what he had done—when they weren’t trying to curse his toes off his feet. In the past three days, Remus had learned he had tried to chop of McGonagall’s tail in her Animagus form, attempted to set blast-ended skrewts loose in the Ravenclaw common room, set the dungeons on fire and tried to throw Professor Kettleburn off the astronomy tower.
The only thing anyone had gotten right so far was, of course, that Remus had been working with the Marauders. That one wasn’t great. Not when the Marauders’ greatest enemy was one bed over from you.
But, naturally, the other three boys had gotten ninety points deducted each so it was clear something had gone on. They had also gotten the same amount of detentions as Remus did and James got a three week suspension from his perfectly duties, but were all good nonetheless. Remus taking the fall, for the most part, had gotten them off the brink of expulsion. He knew he wouldn’t have been expelled. Remus’ record was practically spotless (for a Slytherin) and Dumbledore wouldn’t have put so much effort into getting a werewolf to attend Hogwarts for nothing.
Remus had been doing the best he could to avoid Snape. Evan had told him the other boy had been practically vibrating with rage since Tuesday morning, so Remus had been spending most of his time (that wasn’t in either class or detention) in places he was absolutely sure Snape would not be. He wasn’t afraid of him. He just couldn't be bothered dealing with that when he already had the rest of the school up his arse.
So. Did that entail Remus had been sleeping in a different dormitory since then? Don’t—just—Sirius had insisted, okay! And Remus didn’t want to be rude in denying his boyfriend something he had insisted. Plus the boys had an extra two beds in their dormitory because there weren’t enough Gryffindor boys in their year to fill two full rooms. Remus had not been invited, nor brave enough, to sleep in Sirius’ bed.
But that was fine because it wasn’t three hours into the first night when Remus woke up to find Sirius had climbed into his and wrapped himself around him. After that, well… Remus had no complaints.
“Prongs.”
“Prongs, if you don’t piss off I swear to Godric—“
”He needs to get up, Padfoot.”
“He’s not well!”
“What are you both even on about.” Remus muttered into his pillow, feeling perfectly fine.
”See. He’s delirious.” Sirius scoffed.
”I’ve only just bloody woke him up, ‘course he’s delirious!” James told him in response, sounding highly exasperated.
“Moony, you don’t have to get up today. It’s alright. You can stay here.”
“M’kay, Pads…”
Remus let out a yelp when the very warm, very nice covers were ripped off him, exposing him to the newly November air.
”And what happens when Lily comes in to wake us up and she sees you trying to live inside the bloke she thinks we’ve corrupted’s skin?” James asked, his tone hostile. It was funny, really. James was about as hostile a person as Remus was unless it came to Lily. Or Sirius. Or Peter. Alright, maybe he was just infuriatingly loyal.
”She’ll probably be too distracted by your purposefully removed shirt.” Sirius waved him off. Then, when James narrowed his eyes, “Fine. Alright. I’m getting him up now.”
”Good.” James said, “And you better get up, too. McKinnon reckons she’s faster than me and I want an eye-witness for when I beat her.”
”Alright, Euphemia.”
”That’s not insulting and you know it.”
Remus squinted the early morning sun into his eyes, opening them fully to see Sirius’ face level with his and no more than four inches away.
“Morning, Moonshine.”
Remus shook his head, smothering a snicker into Sirius’ shoulder.
”What?” Sirius gawked, grinning.
He brought his head back up, gazing at Sirius in a way that could probably make a priest defend their right to a relationship, “You know, if anyone else ever said shit like that to me I’d probably cringe so hard my teeth would crack.”
”And yet you’re not.” Sirius laughed, one of those ugly, awful throaty things that Remus wanted to bottle and keep forever.
”You don’t have to get up this early today, really.” Sirius continued, his grin softening into something almost worried, “It’s not like they’ll notice if it’s one day.”
”Why? Is everything alright? Do you want me to stay longer?”
”No, no.” Sirius waved him off, crinkling his nose, “I just… I dunno.”
”Where you going?” Remus snorted when Sirius began to pull the covers up and retreat into them, digging after him until they were both completely submerged underneath and barely visible to each other, “What’s up?”
Sirius opened his mouth to speak, lips turned down into a frown, before he seemed to regain his self-assurance and let out a huff, “Are you alright?”
“What d’you mean?”
”I just… I want you to be alright for tomorrow, you know. And not just that, I want you to be alright in general. You’ve been waking up dead early ever since you’ve started sleeping here and I don’t want you to be—to get ill. Like you were a few weeks ago when we found you conked out in History of Magic.”
“Well I’m fine, aren’t I?” Remus showed him his palms and as much as he could of his arms in the small space, “I feel great.”
Again, Sirius opened his mouth and paused, “Was… when you were ill, was that because you were close to—y’know?”
”What?” Remus asked. And when Sirius cocked his head towards where James was clunking about the room, Remus understood and picked up his wand to cast a little muffliato, “The moon?”
Sirius nodded.
“No, no.” Remus shook his head, eyebrows creasing, “I think that was a week or so after. Are you talking about the cycle?”
”The cycle?”
“The time before the moon and in recovery.”
”Oh, yeah. I just wondered if something changed near to the moon. I hadn’t realised it until that centaur mentioned it being close and you were being crabby—“
”Oi-“
”—and then you got so angry in the nest when I’d come in but, when we got out and after Minnie told us off, you seemed to just brush it off like it never happened and it just make me wonder if maybe you got irrational when it was closer and then I wondered if you got affected in other ways like—“
”Sirius.” Remus sighed, taking his hands and prying them apart so he’d no longer pick at his nails, “It’s alright. I—ah, well, yeah. Theres a bit of a cycle but that’s only really the strongest in the week before and after, specifically about the five or so day window.”
“And you… In that window, you just-“ Sirius shrugged, searching for words, “What happens then?”
“I feel a bit like crap.” Remus told him, “Like a shit hangover with some joint pain and nightmares thrown in.”
Sirius’ frown furthered, “And there’s nothing you can do? Nothing I can do?”
“Poppy gives me a steady string of pepper up when I need it.” Remus assured him, “Remember? When I dropped you some off?”
“Does Poppy help you all the time, then? You can just go to her whenever?”
”Yeah, of course.”
”What about your mum, though?”
“I’ve told you this, haven’t I? She looks after me in the recovery.” Remus smiled, “We usually watch some telly in her bed when she’s not working and, when she is, I have a sleep next to her.”
“And she gets pepper up for you and the proper healing potions and stuff?”
Remus wiggled his head noncommittally from side-to-side, “She’s a muggle. She’s not bothered about stuff like that. I’d go, but I’m only really allowed to our market in town and there’s no way she’d let me get the knight bus to London on my own.”
”Remus.” Sirius sighed, bringing a hand over his face and turning onto his back. At this angle, the quilt completely covered his face and Remus could only see a silk-pyjama-clad shoulder.
”Yeah?”
”Merlin, we really got lucky in the family department, didn’t we?” Sirius murmured, choking out a laugh that didn’t sound very humorous.
Remus rolled his eyes, “Not this again. Like I said when we first talked about this stuff, she’s a muggle. She can only help so much.”
”From what I’ve heard, she doesn’t help at all.” Sirius scoffed, turning to face him again with a scowl.
“She helps plenty. Don’t be bitter because you’ve had everything done for you your entire life.”
“No. No, we’re not doing this.” Sirius shook his head, “You’ve got that stupid, crabby look on your face again and I’m going to pretend you don’t mean that.” His jaw set and he prodded a finger at Remus’ ribcage, “I am telling you now, Remus Lupin, I am going to look after you every single day no matter if you need it or not. You’ve had your epiphany, now epiphany me this—you need to open your fucking eyes and be angry for once.”
”Go and get that little heart I know you keep in your school bag, rub it hard and tell it that, next time you go home, you are going to go angry. You are going to go angry and you are going to tell your mum to get the fuck out of bed and help you.” Sirius spat.
Remus blinked.
Blinked again.
He opened his mouth.
”No.” Sirius cut him off, voice quiet, “No excuses. Neglect, Remus. That’s what it is. And it’s the same as—“ he stopped, swallowing, “Point is, you’re not going to sit and take this without a care in the world like you do everything else. Like you do with what Crouch says or what Snape says or anybody fucking else.”
Nothing.
”What?” Sirius asked, sharply, when Remus didn’t respond.
”I—okay.” Remus spoke.
”Okay?”
”Yeah.” He nodded, “I was going to say okay.”
“Okay, you’ll talk to her?” Sirius looked thoroughly confused. Remus didn’t know why.
”Yeah, I’ll talk to her. If that’s what you want me to do.”
After a moment of just staring, Sirius tilted his head and then shook it in what appeared to be exasperation, his shoulders shaking with chuckles.
”What?” Remus asked, “What’s funny?”
“Nothing.” Sirius smiled in defeat, shifting forwards under the covers and wrapping his arms around Remus’ middle and resting his head on his chest, “We could not be more different.”
“Is that a bad thing?”
”Not really. I just hope that one day you’ll know you deserve things enough to be angry about the fact you’ve been given nothing.”
I just hope that one day you’ll know you deserve things enough to be angry about the fact you’ve been given nothing.
Well.
That was that, wasn’t it.
Remus knew, to as much of an extent as everyone else in the wizarding world did, that there was some form of afterlife. He knew that, when you died, you chose to either spend the rest of your existence as a ghost or you chose to move onto something none of them knew anything about. Pandora had once told him that the people who chose to become ghost held the value of their being down to the skin that they lived in.
She was fourteen when she said that, by the way.
She said that the afterlife, that moving on, was a gamble. One where you were not sure if you are to exist as a soul or corporeally. And that was what scared those people. They did not see themselves as a soul, they saw themselves as bone and blood. Remus had thought that was stupid, when she first said it. He had told her that those people were just idiots.
Remus hadn’t thought of it again until now. Never thought to really dissect what she meant until he understood. She didn’t mean that they were too stupid to know what a soul was, she meant that they didn’t hold enough value to it. Insecurity—the very thing he had always prided himself from being absolved of. Not caring had just been something he had done by example from watching his mum all his life. The true insecurity had been in how he had always just gotten on with it without question. Without a higher standard for himself.
If his mum hadn’t looked after him as she should’ve been, then maybe that was the standard Remus held himself to. Maybe Remus didn’t think he deserved more than he got because he had never been shown before that he could have that. Maybe he hadn’t seen the value of his being because value was the one thing you couldn’t give yourself—couldn’t just figure it out like how to work the washing machine or how to walk to the market. It was shown by the people around you.
It always came back to context clues, didn’t it.
“Oh.”
Sirius’ head turned up to look at him, “Oh?”
“You’re wrong.” Remus whispered.
Sirius drew back, “I’m wrong?”
”I haven’t been given nothing.” Remus muttered, “Not when I have you.”
He laughed, full on belly laughed but Remus understood exactly why. Sirius wasn’t laughing at him for how cheesy the statement was, but more at the irony at the fact he had been the one to draw it out of him.
He pushed the covers off of them and smiled back at Sirius, “And that is about the most cheese you’re ever going to get.”
”I hope that cheese resonates with you.” Sirius grinned, finally sitting up and shaking his head and Remus had never been so sure of anything in his entire life.
”I love you.”
Sirius’ head whipped around.
“Well, I assume this is what love is.” Remus told him, “And I don’t want you to say it back, because I want you to show me enough that I can tell you myself one day.”
”What?” Sirius whispered.
”You said you’re going to look after me every single day.” Remus swallowed, “Well, I want you to do that and then, when I know so completely that I deserve that love, then I will tell you that you love me. Because I will know that I deserve it.”
”Bloody hell.” He breathed and the two of them were silent for a moment until Sirius crawled across the bed and pressed a soft kiss to his lips. Sweet and with promise that Remus felt not only in his skin, but in his soul.
A groan came from the bathroom door as it swung open and Remus pulled away with a chuckle, “You know, for a celibate couple, you don’t much keep your hands off of each other.”
“We’re not celibate.” Sirius said, looking at James over his shoulder, “We’re just waiting.”
Remus smiled softly at him before finally pushing off the bed himself, ”Yeah, we’re—WHY IS JAMES’ PRICK OUT?!“
***
Saturday 2nd November, 1975
SIRIUS’ SIRIUSLY
SPECTACULAR SIXTEENTH
Location: Gryffindor common room
Time: After the sun has set
Date: Today obviously
BYOB
All houses welcome (but not Snivellus)
Tell anyone and you will be
the next victim of a Marauders prank
“This is like the seventeenth one of these I’ve seen today, you know.” Dorcas shook her head, snorting as she handed the invitation back to Remus.
”Yeah, James made them and he’s been making sure they got out. But you are coming, aren’t you?” Remus asked, stuffing it into his back with all the others, “The only reason it’s inter-house was because I asked if you and Pandora could.”
She sighed, “Of course I’m coming, it’s a party. And I’ve already been invited.”
Remus’ lips grew into a grin in realisation, the pair of them stopping at the bottom of the girls’ dormitory stairs, “Well, I wonder who by.”
Dorcas rolled her eyes.
”So are you officially together yet?” Remus asked, folding his arms.
”No.”
Remus’ grin dropped into a frown, “Why not?”
”Because she doesn’t want to be.” Dorcas answered, shortly.
Remus paused. Now, his instinctual response would be to scoff and ask why on earth Marlene didn’t. His second response would be to ask if Dorcas wanted them to be. But, no. No, no, no. Remus was an intellectual now. He was a mind-reader (a.k.a. He could think about something for more than three seconds). That was partially thanks to Dorcas.
He was going to mind-read the fuck out of her.
”Did she explicitly tell you that?” He ventured.
Dorcas quirked an eyebrow in his direction, “…No.”
Ha. He was getting good at this.
”Let me give you a piece of advice.”
”Calm down, you’ve only been in a relationship for a week.”
”Two and a half, thank you very much. I think you should talk to her about it before you come to conclusions.”
Dorcas blinked, “And what makes you think I want to be in a relationship?”
”Just a hunch.” Remus told her, taking a few steps backwards towards the boys’ dormitory stairs.
”I hope Snape gives you a big black eye.” She called to him as he retreated up them.
”Good luck to you, too.”
Was Remus objectively shitting himself? Yeah, sure. But he wasn’t going to show Snape that. He was purposefully—yes, purposefully—going into the dormitory on a Saturday morning and he was going to suck it the fuck up because yeah, okay! Yeah, maybe he had worked himself up and dramatised this a little bit and yeah, maybe Sirius acting like Snape is to the same level of evil as Voldemort has been clouding that part of him that couldn’t care less about brainless tossers who didn’t know hair care further than a bar of soap.
But, to be fair, from what Remus had heard, Snape was a bit less brainless about his insults than he had previously thought.
It was Sirius who had told him, naturally, about the reason Lily didn’t speak to Snape anymore. Apparently it had happened at the beginning of the year when they had first begun speaking—the reason they had initially done the prank they had first roped Remus into.
James had been being a prick (Sirius had told him he hadn’t enabled it but Remus, as much as he loved him (because he could say that now!), highly doubted that), something about hanging him upside down and teasing him. Remus had not been impressed with it, even if Dolohov had started the year off by nearly hexing a first-year that claimed they wanted to be Gryffindor off the train. Remus had told them they should’ve at least done it to the perpetrator rather than just one of his… associates.
Anyway, the prank had started off harmless enough and James had put Snape down once Lily had told him to with a few choice words (He wished he could’ve seen that in person). It was what Snape had said to Lily in return that caused the issues: ‘I don’t need help from a mudblood’ or something along those lines. When Sirius had told him, it left an awful taste in his mouth.
So Remus was walking into his dorm with a new form of hatred for he boy the next bed over along and a begrudging amount of respect for his courage to say something like that, especially around James. Even if Remus didn’t understand it, there was obviously a reason for what Snape said. Remus couldn’t help but respect how far Snape was willing to go for his cause—even if it was one Remus so despised—because it cost him Lily Evans.
When Remus entered, the two boys stared at each other. Snape was cross-legged on his bed, surrounded by parchment and books and ready to insult whoever had disrupted his rhythm. It was clear he hadn’t anticipated Remus’ arrival, spine straightening ever-so-slightly and lips curling into a sneer.
”Wrong dormitory, Lupin.” Snape’s jaw was set.
”S’mine, isn’t it?” Remus cocked a challenging brow.
”I’m surprised you knew that. You seemed to have been getting lost the past few nights.”
”Aw.” Remus tutted, “Miss me, did you?”
He wrinkled his nose, “Assiduously.”
“Someone’s been reading he dictionary for fun again.” Remus quipped, as though he hadn’t ever done that exact thing. Because he definitely hadn’t.
”What do you want, Lupin?”
”To sleep in my dormitory again, Snape.”
”By all means.” Snape gestured to his empty bed, then looked back at him inquisitively, “Don’t tell me you’re scared?”
”Of course I’m not. I’d just rather get through the night without having to worry about strangling you to death out of self defence.”
Snape stared at him and the silence that came with it was loaded. Remus wondered if it was an intimidation tactic or if he was genuinely thinking on what to say. Not that he cared. He was not intimidated.
“Why?” Was eventually what Snape hissed out.
”Why what?”
”You know why what.”
Remus shrugged, simply, “Felt like it.”
”You felt like teaming up with the biggest idiots in the year? Sorry—the biggest idiots in the year that your demographic is the main target for?”
“Well, my demographic doesn’t seem to want to team up with me.” Remus told him, feeling the moon and the frustration and the things he deserved deep in the marrow of his bones, “You want to talk ‘why’s, Snape? How about ‘why have you got this obsession with trying to knock me down a peg?’ ‘Why do you feel the need to incriminate every fucking thing I do?’.”
”I have never done absolutely anything other than exist—something you bitch and whine about, telling everyone the Marauders did this or, oh, ‘the Marauders egged me in the middle of the hallway and I did nothing wrong’.” Remus continued, taking a step forwards and feeling something brewing under his skin, “Ever think it was karma? Karma for the shit you say about muggleborns or anyone else with muggle parents? That why you hate me, huh? ‘Cause my mum’s a ‘useless muggle’? Well, take a fucking look in the mirror. You’re the same type of half-blood as me, you hypocritical cunt.”
Snape’s expression didn’t change, but Remus saw it in his eyes. The slap in the face in the form of words that had been unconsciously simmering for so long he couldn’t pinpoint when it started. Anger, he supposed. Bleeding red and hot into his lungs and spewing all the things that teetered on the brink of ‘I do not need to care about this’. It probably had been teetering for a while now.
He more than likely had an idea of what pushed it over the edge. Maybe it was sitting in his pocket. Or maybe it was waking up next to him in the mornings.
“At least I have enough self-respect to stick with my own people.” Snape countered, his voice quiet but steady, “Unless… unless you are? Perhaps you’ve finally gotten through every girl in the school so, until the next batch of first-years come in, you’re expanding your tastes. It’d make sense, wouldn’t it? You’d fit right in with those self-obsessed quee—“
Snape was cut off by the door swinging open.
Pandora seemed to sense the tension in the room, her shoulders instantly bunching up when she entered. She blinked from Snape to Remus, with a mix of emotions on her face, but the most prominent one was the pure fury.
Remus collected the rest of his things from his room, got a very aggressive talking to about why Dorcas had just told her he had gone to speak to Snape during the first day of the cycle and didn’t plan to return for as long as he could get away with it.
*
”I can’t believe you wont give me my present now!” Sirius practically whined, draping himself over Remus’ crossed legs. Remus would’ve held it against him if his boyfriend hadn’t been pregaming since two in the afternoon and Remus wasn’t so ridiculously fond of him.
”It’s not officially your birthday yet.” Remus answered, simply, not giving into his charms.
”James gave me his!” Sirius protested, tugging at the book in Remus’ hands until he eventually gave it up in favour of quirking an eyebrow at him.
“James is soft.”
”I am not!” James screeched from the bathroom and Remus had no idea how he could hear them.
“Yes, you are!” Both Peter and Sirius shouted back, then turned to look at each other and dissolved into tipsy snickers and giggles.
Remus rolled his eyes and wondered how on earth he was stuck with three utter idiots and actually enjoying himself. The party was already filling up downstairs—after Lily and Mary Macdonald (who Remus was still yet to formally meet) had insisted on organising it to prevent as much chaos as possible—but Sirius had wanted them all to stay upstairs so he could make his ‘grand entrance’. It was incredibly ridiculous and Remus was absolutely sure this feeling was love because he had never felt anything like it.
“So, I want you lot to go down before me and then you can set up the right song on Moony’s record player for me to descend to.” Sirius told them, determinedly.
”And people think you’re straight?” Came from the doorway. Three heads whipped towards the source, Sirius sitting up instantly.
“McKinnon!” Sirius gasped, beaming, scrambling off the bed to tackle her into a hug she was clearly not expecting.
She patted his back with a tentatively raised arm before glancing around, her gaze landing on the opened bottles littered around desks and nightstands, “Happy Birthday, Black. Started early, did we?”
“We did.” Sirius nodded, pulling back and practically skipping over to the jumper draped over the radiator, “Look what James got me!”
”Wow…?” Marlene quirked an eyebrow.
”It’s a Moony jumper. So I can wear it and people won’t get suspicious because it’s mine but I can pretend it’s Remus’.”
“That is… horrifically sweet.” Marlene said, walking over to take the fabric between her fingers. The colours were a bit darker than Remus would normally wear, but the idea was all that mattered.
James hadn’t approached him with the idea before-hand. So, naturally, and because it was Sirius, when Sirius opened the present and Remus realised what it was, Remus turned a heavy shade of crimson from head to toe. The jumper was knitted with a gold moon and stars pattern over a navy blue background and so unlike anything Sirius would ever wear out of uniform it was almost comical. But Sirius had given a great gasp and sworn he’d never take it off and Remus was definitely in love.
”Remus!” Marlene huffed.
“Sorry, what?” Remus blinked, coming back into himself.
”I said stop making moon-eyes, Moony, and come downstairs.”
Remus’ mouth opened and closed a bit and he realised that James had now come out of the bathroom—this time actually wearing clothes, thankfully—and was fully ready along with Peter next to him. Remus was still sat on the bed like a goon.
“Oh—er,” Remus swallowed, pushing off and glancing at Sirius for a moment, “I actually wanted to give Sirius one of his presents. I’ll catch up with you.”
Sirius blinked at him, “But you said—?”
”I know. Fuck off.” Remus threw back, pursing his lips in a way that was definitely not a pout (he was tipsy, alright!).
The others quickly departed, a wink thrown back by Marlene, and Sirius prodded at his arm with the tip of his finger impatiently.
”So, when you say one of my presents, do you mean that I have multiple?” Sirius ventured, swaying side to side with a smirk on his lips.
“That is generally what it implies, yeah.” Remus snorted, wrapping his arms around him to calm his giddiness.
*
”What the bloody hell happened to the grand entrance?” James asked, brows low on his forehead and voice raised over the music. He had a drink in one hand and Peter’s shoulder in the other. Sirius and Remus had just emerged. Well, more Sirius shot up from the bed with a gasp, nearly falling over his feet down the stairs, and Remus trailed after him as discreetly as he could (though Remus’ new Marauder title probably clouded any suspicion over the whole ‘Slytherin wandering out of the Gryffindor boys’ dormitories’ thing).
Slightly dazed, Sirius gave a less-than-manly giggle and grasped onto both of his friends arms’, “I just got a blowjob.”
And Remus couldn’t even find it in himself to be exasperated when James and Peter whooped at him. Not when Sirius was bright red and muffling his excitement with hands over his mouth like there was so much it’d spill out.
“Oh, god. What’re we whooping about now?” Came Lily’s voice, the redhead finding them through the crowd.
”Sirius got a blowjob.”
”James!” Remus hissed, wide-eyed.
”I’m sorry! You know I can’t lie to her.” James sighed.
Lily grimaced, “Wonderful. Have you seen Mary? I can’t find her. Oh, no. Please don’t tell me she gave him the blowjob.”
“Yeah, she did. Oh, it was brilliant, Evans.” Sirius mused, then snorted into his drink. Where on earth had he found a drink already?
“Please stop putting that image into my mind.” Lily held her hand up, wrinkling her nose. Then, when her curiosity seemed to get the better of her, “Alright, who was it, then? Only person I’ve seen coming out since you have has been Remus.”
Sirius laughed, coming out more as manic panting than chuckles. He opened his mouth, before his grin went uneasy and he turned to look at James, “Merlin, you’re right. It is difficult to lie to her.”
Remus’ eyebrows were raised to a level between surprise and anticipation. A good kind of anticipation? Remus wasn’t sure. It felt similar to when he told Sirius about his lycanthropy. Like he knew that, overall, he trusted him, but there was always this underlying fear he’d do something irrational. Something Remus had no chance of anticipating.
”Oh!” Lily said after a few beats, before she turned as red as her hair and looked from Sirius to Remus with eyes like saucers, “Oh!”
It wasn’t horrific silence, thankfully (though that was probably owed to the music), but there was an air of tenseness to it.
”Oh—so that night I caught you—?! Well!” Lily nodded, eyebrows now furrowed and hands on her hips, “Well, then. Fair enough.”
”Fair enough?” Remus asked, “You’re not… put off?”
”Put off? Remus, Marlene is one of my best friends.” Lily blinked.
Oh! Well, shit. Remus hadn’t thought of that.
Lily then seemed to come to a sore realisation, “Oh.” She said, and this ‘oh’ was one of disgust, “Oh, no! Now I’ve got the image of you giving the biggest idiot in our year a blowjob!”
“Oi!” Sirius gawked. James looked absolutely ecstatic, however, and Remus guessed that was something to do with the fact Lily, for once, didn’t name him the biggest idiot in the year.
“Why is Evans talking about blowjobs?” Dorcas interjected, winding an arm around Peter’s. This seemed to confuse him greatly, probably because Dorcas had never said two words to him or James—or, honestly Sirius, for that matter—but Remus understood what she was like when she was drunk (see: Pandora claiming that, at the Halloween party he missed, Dorcas has pretty much wrapped herself around her for half of the night). She was much more agreeable where alcohol was involved.
“Can we please not have this be common knowledge?!” Remus asked.
*
”What the fuck is going on?” Sirius whispered, leaning further towards him on the couch.
”But I can easily understand how you could easily take ma mayn but ya don’t know what he means to me, Marlene.” Dorcas was singing—no, belting—into a microphone. Remus had no idea where they got a microphone. Or the Jolene album on LP. Or how Dorcas seemed to know every single word.
“Marlene, Marlene, Marlene, Marleeene!” Oh, no. No, no, no. She was coming towards Remus, “I’m beggin’ o’ you please don’t take ma mayn!”
And now she was sitting on his lap. Brilliant.
Remus was completely stiff, blinking at her performance. Sirius was roaring with laughter next to him and Marlene was absolutely fucking loving it.
“Marlene, Marlene, Marlene, Marleeene!” She leaned towards where Marlene was still sat on the couch, “Please don’t take him just because you can.”
There had been three performances before this. The first one, by James, who’d made a big show of soloing some French, prissy-sounding song Remus had never heard before but seemed to make Sirius practically sob laughing. The second, a number by Peter and—strangely, Xenophilius—who completely butchered a rendition of Marvin Gaye’s ‘What’s Happening Brother’. Then Gilderoy Lockhart seemed to want a chance to shine, performing a Cher song Remus didn’t know. How on earth that boy passed as straight, Remus had no idea.
Then Dorcas, at least three drinks past drunk got up. And now she was singing a Dolly Parton song to her not-girlfriend on Remus’ lap.
“You could have your choice of men, but I could never love again.” Dorcas sang, turning to face Remus and slapping both her hands on his cheeks, squishing them together, “He’s the only one for me, Marlene.”
And then Dorcas was smacking a big, wet kiss right on Remus’ lips. The entire room erupted in cheers and Remus was absolutely bewildered. Absolutely bewildered and, when he met Sirius’ eyes to find pure joy on his face, the most alive he had ever felt.
Stasis: what Remus had, for fifteen years of his life, thought living was. It was easy. Gentle. Careful.
He had always had this idea that he was more functioning than his mother. Because he could look after himself and he could do what she couldn’t. He could live while she couldn’t. But Remus’ mum was the way she was because of loosing his father. Because she was scared to live—found it easier to just exist because having the capacity to live also means the capacity to loose.
Really, he had been no different than her. Scared, that’s what he had been. Scared to live. Scared to grant himself what he hadn’t believed he deserved. He was the stasis. He wasn’t anything. Wasn’t good or bad. Wasn’t too this or too that. He was suspended between what his mind thought safe. Remus hadn’t been giving value to the soul within his skin. Not until now. Now, he was granting himself that ability to live.
Because that was what he deserved.
*
“We formally meet, Mr Remus Lupin.”
”Miss Mary Macdonald, I’ve heard much about you.” Remus grinned, eyes slightly bleary from the copious amounts of firewhiskey shots he had been roped into.
”All terrible things, I hope.” She nodded in response.
”Cor, yeah. Lily thought you gave Sirius a blowjob before.”
Mary gasped, “Sirius got his first blowjob! Why am I only now hearing about this?!”
“It’s a secret. Shh.” Remus brought a finger to his lips and tried a wink. It did not work.
“A secret? Sirius Black was blown and he’s keeping it a secret? Was it that bad?” Mary snorted.
“It was brilliant, thank you very much!” Remus scoffed, “What I lack in experience, I make up for in research.”
”Wha—“
Mary was cut off by a bit of a commotion by the portrait hole, the two of them forgetting their drunken introduction straight away and turning to see what it was about.
And, well. Remus was very glad he was not sober.
Slytherins. None other than Crouch, Evan, Dolohov, Carrow, his sister Alecto, Skeeter, Vanity and, to probably everyone’s surprise—but mostly Sirius’—Regulus.
The music seemed to turn down slightly, probably ready for them to start something and for Sirius to kick off and throw them out. To be fair, Remus hadn’t seen his boyfriend for a little bit. Last he had seen, Sirius had been attempting to attack James with his beaters bat. For what reason? Remus had no idea. He just retreated slowly into a corner until Mary found him.
But Sirius pushed his way through the crowd and to the door eventually, swaying slightly as he looked at his brother.
“Reggie?”
“I told you not to call me that.”
”Alright, then.” Sirius nodded, jerkily, his lips twitching up.
”Will you move out of the way?” Regulus asked with a quirk of his eyebrow after they stared at each other for a moment.
”Why?”
”This is a party, isn’t it?”
”I wasn’t aware you did parties.” Sirius was grinning fully now.
“You’re not much aware of anything these days.”
“That’s probably an insult. But I’m going to pretend it’s not.”
“Are you going to move?”
“Are your friends going to be pricks?”
“I’ve told them not to but I can’t promise anything.”
At that, Sirius stood to the side, holding his arm out, “Well, then. Welcome.”
The Slytherins began to make their way into the party and Mary glanced at Remus, amused with her eyebrows high on her head. He shrugged back.
“Reg!” Sirius called after him.
Regulus gave a huff, rolling his eyes and turning around with his arms crossed.
”Aren’t you missing something?”
That permanent furrow in Regulus’ brow seemed to soften. Just that slight bit. So slight that you may not have seen it if you weren’t paying close attention.
And, eventually, “Happy Birthday, Sirius.”
*
Remus was about sixty percent sure he was drunk.
“And—and maybe if like the world just all went deaf, then would there be war? Cause like—cause how would they communicate?” Remus blinked, not quite sure who he was talking to specifically. But that was alright.
“Er—owls?”
”No—no, muggles use pigeons. I think.” Remus nodded.
“Hm. Pigeons sound boring.”
Remus wrinkled his nose, “Don’t insult pigeons?”
Rita laughed. Because, oh, right, he was talking to Rita Skeeter. How did he get talking to Rita Skeeter?
“You’re so silly.”
“And you insult pigeons.” He frowned. Remus thought she was a bitch.
She laughed again. It was very loud and Remus fought an urge to smack her.
Alright. Maybe a bit more than sixty percent.
“You smell nice.” She said, shuffling up next to him on the couch. Then she proceeded to—like some sort of maniac—shove her nose into the crook of Remus’ neck and inhale.
”Wha’you doing?”
“What aftershave do you use?” She asked, pulling back and resting her hand on her fist.
“Soap.”
Rita laughed again, tugging on the collar of his jacket, “You really are silly.”
And then she was leaning in and Remus was not about to let her sniff him again. So he proceeded to place his entire palm on her face and push her back.
”What was that for?!” She scoffed, her voice a high shrill.
“What d’you keep sniffing me for?”
She chuckled, “I don’t want to sniff you again.”
”Then what do you want?”
Oh, no. No! She was climbing on his lap. Why was she climbing on his lap?! That’s where Sirius went! Not her.
“To kiss you, silly.” She muttered, and Remus went wide-eyed and moved back in time to her moving forwards and then she was yelping and Sirius was—
“Oh, no you don’t.” Sirius chirped, lifting Rita off of Remus’ lap and setting her down stood flat on the floor, her expression furious.
“What the fuck, Black?!” She shrieked.
“You, woman, are a vulture.” Sirius thrust a finger in the middle of her chest, before turning to Remus, “Did you want to kiss her, Moony?”
“No?! I only wanna kiss y—“
“There. Settled. Go and pray on someone else.” Sirius ordered, waving her off and quickly taking the seat on the couch she had previously been sat on.
”She kept sniffing me.” Remus frowned.
”I’m going to poison her.”
”What?”
”Nothing.”
***
Sunday 3rd November, 1975
Remus was the biggest fucking idiot alive.
He had been vomiting since five in the morning, only managing to get about three hours of sleep in the intervals between. He downed more pepper up than he had drunk alcohol and was very sure he was going to combust from the inside out from how hot he was running. Spontaneous human combustion was a myth, right?
Sirius was absolutely convinced it was all his fault for Remus’ suffering. Remus had assured him he had gone into the night with every intention of a hangover. Had he slightly forgotten that Sirius’ birthday was the day before the full moon? He wasn’t comfortable answering that. But Sirius was falling over himself—on his own birthday, mind you—to tend to Remus’ every need.
Remus was not having it.
“If you don’t stop fussing over me, you prick, I’ll never give you blowjob again.” Remus narrowed his eyes.
“Your threats are empty, Remus Lupin.” Sirius claimed, marching over with a wet cloth and placing it gently on Remus’ head.
”It’s your birthday.”
Sirius took Remus’ face in his hands just as Dorcas had done last night, “Apparently, if I remember correctly, I’m not allowed to tell you I love you. Apparently, I have to show it until you get it into your thick skull that seems to pick and choose when it’s clever. So you, Moony, are going to let me show you that you deserve to be looked after. Okay?”
Remus, who was actually about to cry (because of his many ails, of course), just nodded in response. And, like Dorcas had done, Sirius smacked a big wet kiss onto Remus’ surely vomit-flavoured mouth without complaint.
”You two are sickly.” Came a rumble from Peter’s bed.
”Stuff it, Wormtail.” Sirius barked back.
James emerged from the bathroom (Remus had begun to flinch and look away now) sopping wet with a towel around his waist, trudging water everywhere with a grimace when his eyes landed on he and Sirius.
”Oh, shit. I never even thought.” James frowned, voice very dead from his many solos of last night, “Bet tomorrow doesn’t make it any better.”
”What’s happening tomorrow?” Remus blinked, going still.
The colour seemed to have drained from Sirius’ face, “Yeah, Prongs, what’s happening tomorrow?”
”For the love of Godric, James.” Peter groaned into his pillow.
James stopped dead in his tracks, very slowly turning to face them both again and very quickly gathering whatever bearings he had just been without.
“I mean—“
”You mean what, James?” Sirius asked, tentatively.
“I mean ‘cause of—of lesson. ‘Cause he’s probably gonna be tired—because we’ve got classes tomorrow.”
“Stop embarrassing yourself.” Peter muttered. And, then, it was very clear the jig was up.
”You know?!” Sirius demanded, spluttering and pushing himself off the bed like he didn’t quite know what to do with himself, “Can we just clarify that you’re saying you know that—“
”Remus is a werewolf?” Peter filled in, and Remus felt dizzier than he had done.
”What the fuck?!” Sirius shrieked, “How the fuck—?!”
“Well—well—it wasn’t too hard to figure out!” James began, “There was the whole ‘not-a-slag’ thing which we thought was just because he was covering up his hookups with boys but he’s more of a virgin than you so it made no sense and then Pete and I stayed up one night in the library after you told me about the whole ‘dealbreaker’ thing and we had to make sure you weren’t a criminal or something because we know that, compared to Sirius’ family, other things tend to get minimised—“
”James! Shut up!” Sirius snapped, head whipping between them all, “I can’t believe—“
Remus wasn’t entirely sure if this interaction was real or if he had hallucinated it, but something about the fact that Sirius’ heart was beating so furiously that he could hear it felt like he should probably intervene.
”You—just figured it out?” Remus blinked, rubbing his eye as he pushed himself further into a sitting position.
“Er—yeah?” James offered, sitting down on his bed.
”Right.” He nodded, “Right… How?”
”The whole acromantula business solidified it, really. We knew there was no such thing as a potion that made a creature believe you weren’t human. It was absurdly specific.” Peter told him.
”So—what? You just… lied?” Remus asked, though not quite accusatory.
“You lied too!” James protested, “You lied first.”
”Alright, yeah, but what about that whole ‘what if the potion wears off’ shite?”
James turned a healthy shade of red, “Was just… making sure you knew it’d work. That they wouldn’t attack you.”
”Prongs wasn’t entirely convinced.” Peter supplied, and James turned redder, “Though, to be fair, you’ve got to give it to him. ‘My best mate is shacking up with a werewolf’ isn’t the most believable situation.”
”Well—!” James butted in, “I didn’t want to give it away, either! I wanted you to be able to tell us on your own.”
”Right good job you did of that.” Peter grumbled, running an exasperated palm over his jaw.
“But, like—you don’t care?” Remus asked.
”We took a page out of your book.” James shrugged, “We were concerned, at first, but then we realised that you’re still Moony—oh, shit! I just got that—anyway, we decided not to care because you probably wouldn’t. Because you’re a person apart from what you are. Normalcy’s a construct, right? And you’re still Moony. Just plus a… furry little problem.”
Well.
Shit.
”Well, shit.” Sirius muttered, shoulders slumping. Remus couldn’t hear his heartbeat anymore.
“Suppose Remus being here’s done something for all of us.” Peter said.
At this, Sirius gasped, his face erupting into a grin.
”What?” James asked.
”You just reminded me! I got a blowjob last night!”
Remus collapsed back onto his pillow with a groan and both James and Peter sniggered something about waving a chocolate frog in front of a toddler. It wasn’t long before Sirius was climbing back into bed and cuddling up with him so he could open presents. Or—more, the presents he’d gotten from Remus and Peter.
Peter had gotten him—to Sirius’ pure delight—a pair of jeans. Remus had been entirely confused when, a week or so prior, Peter had dragged him through the Hogsmeade passage with a bag of galleons to meet a dodgy looking bloke in the Hogs Head. The man, apparently, was Peter’s cousin, Trevor. A squib who chose to live his life in the muggle world. It was the weirdest interaction he had ever witnessed, trafficking a pair of bloody jeans, but Peter had explained to Remus the significance.
Remus let himself feel slightly guilty for not noticing, but Sirius’ wardrobe consisted entirely of muggle attire. Slacks, t-shirts, jackets of every material (leather the most common, of course). But the only pair of jeans he owned, apparently, were the ones he had worn to the start-of-year party—y’know, the bedazzled ones that made Remus’ brain melt into mush? But Sirius held those ones so dear that he only had the heart to wear them for special occasions.
You may have been wondering why he held jeans to such a high standard. Well, Peter explained it as well as he could’ve, telling him that—for a long time—the only clothes Sirius’ family made him wear were wizard robes. Uncomfortable and itchy things that Remus had never had the discomfort of wearing. Most people wore muggle-esque attire, even if they were pureblood, but the only clothes Sirius’ family provided him with were wizard robes. Regulus never wore them, however, which confused Remus. Apparently it was some sort of punishment. Rather odd punishment, if you asked him.
Anyway, Sirius was absolutely ecstatic about the jeans. He could usually get away with off hand wizard clothes from Hogsmeade when it came to dressing like a muggle. And, with Hogsmeade being a solely wizarding town, it was difficult to acquire anything that wasn’t snuck in. The jeans had been something Sirius had wanted for a while—something he had seen in a magazine. It was quite hilarious, actually, how plain they were.
Remus’ gift was something he had needed Pandora’s help (her handwriting, more like) for. He didn’t want to get him clothes, since that’s what Sirius got from everyone else, but he didn’t want it to be thoughtless. Remus didn’t have much money, so he wasn’t sure what to do that’d be special. Well, he wasn’t. Until he was.
“What is it? A calendar?” Sirius chuckled, surveying the shape of his gift and the horrific wrapping.
James gasped, “Is each month a different sexy picture of Moony?”
”Oh, for the love of Salazar, please just open it.” Remus sighed.
And Sirius did. It took a few seconds of squinting at the blank piece of parchment before he came to the realisation of—“Are you gifting me your map?!”
Remus bit his lip, “Well—sort of. Here—say the thing.”
Sirius tentatively took his wand from the bedside table, hovering it over the parchment, “I solemnly swear that I am up to good.”
Messrs
MOONY, WORMTAIL,
PADFOOT & PRONGS
are proud to present
The
MARAUDER’S
MAP
A high-pitched laugh bubbled up from Sirius’ throat and he ran his fingertips over the new illustrations and writing.
”Pandora did all the drawing bits.” Remus told him, “I thought of the name after we decided it needed a better one. It’s for all of you, really—ahem, us. For… y’know, pranks and stuff.”
”But, Remus, this is yours and Pandora’s.” Sirius shook his head, looking up at him with worried eyes.
“Well, I asked Pandora if she wanted to be included and we could give her a nickname, but she said something about wanting her memory to not be physical or to have it die naturally with the people that loved her or something probably too philosophical for someone our age. And it’s as much yours as it is mine, you contributed to it.”
”Yeah, with hiding spots.” Sirius chuckled, sheepishly.
Remus shrugged, “Take it or leave it. I’m not changing the name. I’m a Marauder now.”
James grinned, “Fuck yeah, you are.”
Sirius had just muttered a ‘mischief managed’ in time for the door to the dormitory swing open, a frazzled-looking Lily Evans appearing as she surveyed the four of them sat on Remus’ bed.
“Come to wish me Happy Birthday, Evans?” Sirius grinned, twisting around to see her. His face fell when he caught sight of her expression. Remus was pretty sure all of their faces did.
“Not exactly.” She blinked, stepping forwards.
James pushed off the bed, immediately going to her, “Lily, what is it?”
“Er—something’s happened.”
”What? What’s happened?” Sirius asked.
She swallowed, “Everyone knows about you and Remus.”
Oh. Oh, and if Remus’ stomach didn’t fall out of his arse after that. The two boys didn’t look at each other, still staring at Lily as though waiting for her to continue. To laugh in their faces and say ‘just kidding, that was payback for all the times you’ve pranked me’ but the words never came.
The words never came and Sirius turned back to look at Remus who couldn’t meet his eye. The words never came and Remus was no longer what everyone thought he was and, instead, was a liar. The words never came and Sirius’ family with their strange punishments and cold attitudes knew the one thing Sirius didn’t want them to ever find out.
“Happy Birthday, Black.” Came Sirius’ whisper, quiet and shrill.