Epistulae Heroum

“I’ve tried to speak to you three times, three times my tongue
clung to my mouth, three times the sound died on my lips.”

The Heroides - IV: Phaedra to Hippolytus

Thursday 17th October, 1975

Sirius Black was many things and, for a long time, Remus believed that quiet was not one of them. Sirius was loud and invasive and clear about everything, which made things very easy for Remus who was not good at interpretation. When Sirius was annoyed, frustrated, sad, excited, elated, you knew. You and everyone in a five kilometre radius. 

Well, except for when it came to the status of a relationship. 

Remus couldn’t blame him, really. It wasn’t as if he could go advertising it what with his clearly less than supportive family (in and outside of Hogwarts) and the people that surrounded Remus. So there was no reason to be loud, right? 

But Sirius had never cared about reason! He did things as he felt them. Did he not feel enough for Remus to ask about if they were officially in a relationship? No, that was the insecure teenager in Remus talking. Maybe it just hadn’t crossed his mind? Maybe Sirius didn’t care about labels? Maybe he just wanted Remus—not as boyfriend or partner. Maybe he just wanted to be.

”You understand that relationships are two-way streets, right?” Pandora had told him, tilting her head.

Remus didn’t think to ask how on earth she knew the term ‘two-way street’ (though he suspected it had something to do with her half-blood boyfriend) but, either way, that didn’t matter. He had bigger issues on his hands, “So?”

”So, you can’t just expect him to pick up the slack on everything.” She urged, “Have you thought of maybe bringing it up with him?”

That had been earlier in the day when the pair of them had been in Defence Against The Dark Arts and Remus had realised he was quite silly for not realising that himself.

It would be easy—they’d meet up, like they had done every night prior, in the library and pretend they just happened to sit next to each other. Then, when Madam Pince would remind everyone of curfew, they’d pretend to make their way out only to meet wherever Sirius had hidden that time. He could ask him then. It was a fun sort of game they played. Rather than having Sirius tell Remus of every possible hiding spot, Remus would have to use the map to find him that night, jotting it down when he eventually did. 

“Excuse me—Mr Moon, is it? I was wondering if you could help me on this vague something or other that I’m entirely baffled by.”

Remus turned his head at the boy now fluttering his lashes and leaning his cheek on his fist a little down the extended desk that drew against the bookshelves, an eyebrow quirking up with his lips. Remus had pretended not to notice when he entered because it was entirely more fun that way, “Yes, if you show me, I’m sure I’ll be able to give you the nondescript answer you’re looking for.”

Sirius snorted, eyes glinting as his lips pulled into a toothy smile. He checked their surroundings, peering down the aisle before promptly launching himself into Remus’ lap like some sort of overeager dog and smacking a wet kiss onto his lips. 

“Well, that was quick.” Remus chuckled, arms wrapping around his waist, “The bit usually goes on for longer than that.”

”Yes, well, I couldn’t wait.” Sirius murmured, peppering kisses all over his face in a way that made Remus very nearly giggle. 

Remus just about managed to peer over his shoulder to check nobody really was coming before catching his lips with his own in an attempt to slow him down, “I wanted to, uh, ask you a question.” 

Sirius pulled back ever so slightly, blinking at Remus with an air of worry as though all the breath had punched out of him.

”No—nothing bad!” Remus immediately reassured him, hands coming down to rest on Sirius’ hips, “I just wanted to—y’know, ask about, like, if you wanted to just keep this—us quiet? I mean, of course we’re keeping it quiet now, but I just mean, like, between us. Like if you didn’t want to make anything official?”

Sirius’ shoulders sagged slightly and his mouth opened without words for the briefest of moments, “I mean, yeah, sure. If that’s something you want.”

”No, no, no!” Remus eyebrows flew up his head, “I—I don’t want that! I mean—I’d be fine if you wanted that. If that’s what you wanted to do because really I’m not too bothered about labels or official…ness. But I definitely want official-ness, if that’s what you’re wary about. If you’re even wary at all—which I really doubt. No, that sounds like I’m—I just mean in case you think I’m not interested in—“

Sirius cut him off with another kiss, hands coming from where they had been sat behind Remus’ neck to his cheeks as his shoulders shook. When Sirius pulled away, he rested his forehead on Remus’, “Is that your way of asking me to be your boyfriend?”

Remus deflated, a slightly sheepish chuckle escaping him, “Yeah…”

Sirius pulled back once again with a sigh and a tut, his hands squishing Remus’ cheeks together as though he was surveying him before settling on his shoulders, “I suppose you’re reasonably attractive enough. Alright, yeah. I’ll give it a go.”

“Fuck off, you wanker.” Remus laughed, bringing his hand up to swat him upside the head, but Sirius caught his wrist before he could.

”Oi, not the hair.” He murmured, tangling their fingers together and moving forwards to kiss Remus once again.

So, yeah. Remus had a boyfriend now.

Remushadaboyfriendnowandohmygodhe’sbloodygorgeousandthereisnowayhecanbecalmaboutthis—

The thing was, Remus hadn’t anticipated just how much he would actually enjoy having a boyfriend. It felt as though—with his self-discovery, new friends and now new relationship—his life was just getting fuller and fuller. He didn’t anticipate the electric shock he would feel like he’d had every time he felt Sirius’ lips on his. 

And Sirius seemed to like his lips on Remus’ quite a lot.

On his anywhere, really—No! Not like that! It was just as though whatever was closest would inevitably be a victim of a kiss (which Remus was very much not complaining about). Every single time, too, Sirius would jolt slightly in place as though remembering he could do it. As though he was getting used to having free rein when it came to Remus. And, honestly, Remus was getting used to it as well.

He hadn’t much realised how important touch was until Sirius. Growing up, there was never really motherly hugs or even pats on the head to smooth out his hair. There was never sitting in his mother’s lap watching the telly or anything touch-wise that translated what her love for him was.

Remus wasn’t without love. She would tell him every chance she got that she loved him and, on her good days, she’d really try to do things just for the sake of helping Remus. She still made an effort a few times a week to at least make dinner and she never missed a day of work (even if that work was doing invoices and other paperwork for Miss Danelakis’ B2B company in bed). Remus had just never really realised what it was to be loved through touch.

As it turned out, it was pretty fucking great.

***

Friday 18th October, 1975

Sirius had been quiet, leaving Remus to shoulder the conversation, in which he was not good at, so he was extremely relieved when Sirius finally burst out with,

”You know my brother.”

His shoulders seemed to de-tense as though the concept had been weighing on him all week. Knowing what Remus knew now about the two brothers’ relationship, it probably had been. Remus wondered what other things Sirius would be quiet about in the future.

”I do, yeah.” Remus supplied, gently, leaning into him ever so slightly. They were sat side-by-side, arms wound together like the colours in a candy cane and and fingers idly tangling, “Only in passing, really.”

Remus felt Sirius nod, a heavy breath leaving his lungs to fill the space of his quiet once again.

”Do you want to talk about it? About him?” Remus offered, because that was what Pandora would say and, quite frankly, Remus had no idea how to make Sirius feel better, despite the distress it put him in. 

“No.” He answered, quickly, softly. 

“Do you want to me stop talking to him?” Remus asked.

Quiet, again.

”No.” Sirius replied, even smaller. 

“Do you want me to talk about him?” Remus tried.

That seemed to be it, “Yes.” And then, quieter, “Please.”

And so he did. Remus didn’t know much from the measured time he had spent with Regulus, but that didn’t seem to matter. You see, Remus was beginning to think he understood Sirius’ pain, even if it was just that little bit. Like all Sirius wanted was to just spend time—just be—with his brother and he was living vicariously through Remus. 

It tugged a memory out of him that he hadn’t ever paid much attention to. Well, a few memories, really. When he was younger, Remus would ask about his mum. Ask for memories he didn’t have. Ask Kerry from the smelly fish stall or Francesca down the road or  Mr Chadha next door who he occasionally helped in the garden just anything they remembered from before Remus could. He supposed, in a way, he was living vicariously through them. Learning who she was before him and wondering if she could ever come back.

Sometimes, he hoped she would.

***

Saturday 19th October, 1975

Remus had been… how should he put it? Absolutely flying, walk-on-water ecstatic for this weekend. It was technically their first official weekend together and he planned to use a permanent sticking charm to glue Sirius to his side if he had to. Remus was going to show him the passage to Hogsmeade and they were going to stay out until Dumbledore himself had to send out a search party. 

It was going to be brilliant.

Emphasis on was.

Remus was stock still as he opened the door to his dormitory. Last night, after he had left Sirius, he’d gone down to the kitchens and asked the elves for as many treats (and sandwiches too, because Remus was a responsible fifteen-year-old) as they could fit in Remus’ school bag. He’d completely gutted it in preparation and had decided he was going to take Sirius on their first official date. A picnic in this brilliant cave he and Pandora had found one day exploring. 

Remus had gone back to fetch the satchel of food and had, instead, found Pandora sat on the edge of his bed. Directly opposite, Evan and Barty looking stiff and awkward like someone had stuffed a rod up their arseholes to keep their spines straight.

Oh, for fuck sake. They couldn’t have chosen a better bloody time to do this?

”Remus, stay.” Came Pandora’s quiet voice as he turned towards the door again with an entirely selfish plan to come back later.

Remus turned around, fiddling mindlessly with the cuff of his sleeve and taking measured steps towards the three of them, “So, uh, what we talking ab—?”

”Oh, stuff it, Lupin.” Crouch butted in before his eyes went wide and he looked back to Pandora, “I mean—uh, Sorry. I didn’t mean that.”

”I take it you’re talking about… something serious?” Sirius, his brain supplied, unhelpfully, as it usually did these days.

“They told me you know.” Pandora muttered, looking down at the hands in her lap. Remus felt an awful flush of guilt, hot and uncomfortable. Unnatural. For him, anyway.

”Ah.” Remus pursed his lips in acknowledgement.

”Listen.” Evan spoke up, “We’ll… leave you both to it. Let you mull this over, Pandora, then we can talk later, yeah? Just us two?”

Pandora looked up and Remus ached when her bottom lip started to tremble. She nodded before Barty and Evan stood up. Barty seemed to reach out for Evan’s hand for the briefest of moments, something Remus was sure only he caught, before his hands settled in his pockets and the two boys made their way to the door.

”Please will you make sure she’s alright?” Evan mumbled to Remus as he passed. Remus gave a nod in response before walking towards Pandora. He didn’t really care if she was angry at him for keeping it a secret—he just wanted her to feel better. Sirius had showed him just how much touch proved to heal. Just how important it was. So that was what Remus did. 

“You don’t hug people, normally.” Pandora murmured when Remus settled on the bed, arms tight around her. Her voice was more high and small than it was shaky. Like she wasn’t sure if she wanted to cry or not.

”I’ve been trying it out.” He replied into her hair.

”I like Sirius. He’s a good influence.” She whispered before a sniffle. 

“Are you alright?” Remus asked, pulling away to look at her.

Pandora nodded, sucking in her bottom lip and chewing it between her teeth.

”So they told you, hm? Do you know how you feel?”

”Sad, I think. Mostly because Evan didn’t know if he could tell me. He said he wasn’t sure I’d be okay with it until he learned you were gay too, though.”

“Are you angry at me?” Remus asked, tentatively.

She shook her head, “I understand why you didn’t tell me. Honestly, I’m glad you respected Evans wishes.”

”I did try to make sure he was alright. I was worried about the… well, the whole Barty thing.” Remus was quiet for a minute, picking at the skin around his nails, “I told Dorcas. Or more, I asked Dorcas if she thought I had it right that they were together and that I wasn’t just being an idiot.”

”Thank you.” Pandora muttered, blinking.

”Don’t thank me for something like that.” 

She chuckled, gently, “I just mean that a year ago you probably wouldn’t have noticed at all. Honestly, I wasn’t sure how I didn’t notice, if you did.’

”Oh—uh, well.” Remus cleared his throat, nodding, “Well, I literally caught them with—uh, with their pants down.”

Pandora’s eyebrows shot up, “Oh.”

”It was not pleasant.”

”I assume so.”

”I don’t ever wanna see Crouch with a stalk on agai—“

”Alright, Remus. I think that’s all I need to hear.” She butted in, quickly, patting him on the knee. 

“Sorry.” He muttered, looking down.

They were quiet like that for what could’ve been at least a couple minutes. Remus’ brain was a whirlwind of how Pandora could be feeling and what he could do to help and what might go wrong and Sirius was probably waiting for him at the passage—fucking hell, he hated the selfishness of being a Slytherin sometimes. Sirius was just going to have to wait. Pandora was upset.

But maybe he could leave him a message in the book…?

Oh, he needed to get a grip. He’d live.

“We’ve just…” Pandora started, and Remus looked up, “I know it’s cliche, but we’ve always just known everything about each other. I always assumed his lack of interest in girls was just because he was like me and didn’t really care too much about relationships. I just…” She turned to him, eyebrows pitifully curved up, “How did I miss this?”

Remus sighed, just sitting there for a few moments while he let the statement float between them. Hanging between their gazes—someone who knew how to comfort needing it from someone who didn’t. Someone who didn’t have another person the way Pandora had Evan. Well, he supposed, his person would be Pandora, in that regard.

Maybe that was just it. Maybe Pandora could help herself.

“You know when I had my epiphany? That thing you said to me when I told you I felt a bit like an idiot for not noticing how much I’d been denying myself sooner?” Remus tried, and she blinked at him, waiting for him to continue, “Well, you said that it’s okay to be wrong. You said that you can’t have growth without being stunted in the first place and that nobody is born perfect. Think of it this way, you and Evan already have a good relationship as far as siblings go. Think of this as being growth. It’ll only make your relationship stronger in the long run.”

Again, she blinked at him, this time as though he had two heads, “Merlin, you’re actually wise now.”

“Just repeating your own words back to you.” Remus shrugged.

***

Thursday 24th October, 1975

Muggle studies was, very quickly, becoming Remus’ favourite lesson. Like very much of their relationship when it came to the public, Sirius transformed it into a game of sorts. Remus had, at first, just insisted they use their usual method of communication like they did in every other class. Sirius had said that Muggle Studies was sacred so something as easy as that wouldn’t cut it.

That was how Remus found himself suddenly a master at levitation spells. 

Do you think that if I said it was for the benefit of our knowledge of
muggle culture, Professor Sarton would bring in a film projector?

The note was floated in from under the desks that separated them. 

You know something, that’s not too bad an idea. Not sure how
it’d work with the lack of electricity, though. 

Remus wrote in response underneath it before muttering a wingardium leviosa and holding his breath until it landed just shy of Sirius’ shoe.

Sirius made a show of ‘accidentally’ dropping his quill, which earned an eyebrow quirk from James next to him who quickly dissolved into giggles once he noticed what Sirius was really retrieving. 

Good point. Maybe we could see if Hagrid’s got some? His hut isn’t
technically on the grounds of Hogwarts, right? He could lend it to us.

God bless this boy. Remus smothered a smile with his fist before tearing a new sheet of parchment from the free sheet in his bag given the one they had now was too cramped to add something.

I don’t think you understand the concept of electricity.

Oh, fuck off. We’ve only just started that topic, anyway. 
    Hi Remus!!!!!!

Don’t worry. We’ll find a way to watch films some day.
Also Hi, James.

  You’re both so grammatically correct when you
    write to eachother it’s funny
It’s not my fault I like my writing to look presentable. Not everyone has
to have the handwriting of a seizing elephant.
 I take offence to that!!!!!
Stop using so many exclamation marks, Prongs. It looks sloppy.
    Oh sorry Walburga
You did not.
  Yes I did.
I’m giving the paper back to Remus now. I’m annoyed at you.

You’re both literally sat next to each other?

Remus, he called me my mum!

Oh, that is a bit mean, James. I’ll be honest.

Remus watched as the parchment landed on their desk this time, thankfully. James picked it up, pursed his lips and then wrote something down. Sirius read it and gave him a small smile. James’ face dropped, however, when he read the response and he furiously scribbled with his quill.

When he handed Sirius the parchment, Sirius just—with a straight face—sent it right back over to Remus.

  No you’re right sorry pads it was a heat of
 the moment thing
It’s alright. Don’t do it again or I’ll tell Lily what you
wrote for the muggle poetry assignment.
        You wouldn’t.

Why are you having a written argument about
grammar?

Well, you can’t very well have an argument about
grammar when all the words are being spoken.

You know what… fair enough.

***

Friday 25th October, 1975

Remus felt, to put it simply, petulant. He was sat on the floor of the Hogsmeade passage (which they had taken to giving a clean the other night so they no longer had to sit on something to stave off dirt) with a pout as he drummed his fingers on his knee, alone. 

Yes. That was right. Alone. For whatever reason, Sirius had let him know that he would not be able to meet him at the library as they usually did. So Remus should just go straight to the passage after curfew and he’d meet him there. And Remus did. He had come early, in fact, so he could have some extra time to be annoyed about Sirius’ absence.

He clutched the little paper heart in his fist and vowed he was going to be moody when Sirius arrived. He was going to be difficult and rude because he had never ditched unless he was on patrol and Remus knew that he had no prior engagements so Sirius was simply not there because he didn’t want to be.

Well, to be fair, he didn’t really see the point in being annoyed, but he was going to be anyway. He was on a mission. He was going to feel and care and he was going to use Sirius’ feelings (in the form of a folded up skin) to do it. Because he could. Because he should.

Oh, but then the sconces down the rest of the passage lit up and then the blue in Sirius’ eyes thawed and flickered with orange and the ringlets of his hair wove in and out like a basket that held all of the nice things in life and Sirius was so, so pretty.

“I can’t believe you never told us! We could’ve been sneaking to Hogsmeade this whole time.” And Remus was jolted out of his thoughts. It was not only Sirius who had arrived. It was James. And Pete.

Okay, Remus was petulant again. 

“Well, I wanted it to be a me and Moony thing, for now. And we’ve gone to Hogsmeade enough times, I think.” Sirius informed him as Remus slotted the little paper heart into his pocket.

Remus was quickly learning that borrowing emotions from Sirius Black was not an easy feat to gain a hold of because Sirius was then tackling Remus to the ground and Remus was forgetting all about why he was trying to be stubborn. 

“Oh, I knew this would happen.” Peter sighed, thrusting an arm in the direction of where Sirius was planting a kiss onto Remus’ lips and oh, they were snogging now, alright, “We wont even be able to speak to him because Padfoot’s too busy trying to lick his tonsils.”

”Remus doesn’t have tonsils.” James scoffed, as though it was a very well known fact. 

When Sirius pulled away and Remus finally got his bearings about him, he saw the other two had sat down against opposite walls. Sirius pulled Remus up straight by the collar and Remus blinked in confusion, “How do you—?”

”Sirius said you said you had tonsillitis when you were six and had to have them removed.” James supplied with a grin.

Remus shook his head in utter bewilderment but was quickly distracted when Sirius settled himself on his lap.

Oh. Okay.

”Would you like to explain the PDA…?” Remus muttered in Sirius’ ear.

“I’m just making up for the past week or so.” Sirius nodded in response, “Don’t worry. I warned them this would happen.”

”Right.” Remus nodded in response, eyes narrowing as he turned back to the others. He wrapped his arms tentatively around Sirius, feeling a little bit cheeky about it, in all honesty. It was like the way he felt when he was a child and doing something he was unsure he’d get into trouble for. Or maybe he was waiting for some sort of approval on Peter and James’ behalf. The only thing he was entirely sure of was that he was getting used to it.

Apart from being markedly overwhelmed and probably expected to know what was going on, Remus’ arms wound tighter around Sirius’ middle, clutching onto him like some sort of oversized stuffed toy and feeling that same type of comfort. It was new, but it was really, really nice.

Yeah, he was getting used to it.

“Right. This, as I call it, is the first official fully-developed Marauders meeting.” James announced, wrenching the bag on his back in front of him and beginning to unzip it.

Thoroughly confused, Remus opened his mouth to speak before James spoke once again,

”Ironically, this came at the perfect time because we have two very important events coming up.” He continued, beginning to take out a series of notebooks, spell books, potion recipe books and various other tomes that Remus had a feeling the library had probably been missing for a while. He also had a feeling the bag had an undetectable extension charm because—oh, yeah, James was reaching his entire arm in.

”I don’t understand what’s going on…” Remus took the opportunity to finally cut in.

“We’re planning our next prank.” Sirius supplied with a snort as though it was obvious. 

“And you need my help again?”

”No, you tosser.” Sirius chuckled, turning his head and leaning so he could look at Remus, “You’re a marauder now. This is mandatory.”

”I—“ Remus opened his mouth, not sure what question to ask first. Peter seemed to have the answer, however.

”Sirius has declared you an extension of himself.” He told him, “So that, in his opinion, means you’re automatically one of us. To be honest, I thought you were anyway.”

”No, Wormtail, that’s not all.” James cut in, eyebrows set as he looked at Remus, “We didn’t just decide to make you a Marauder. It took lots of meetings and deliberation and, ultimately, it was decided with a combination of your intelligence, morals, connections with Slytherin house and your position as a prefect, we would let you in. Also it felt sort of wrong to have the whole nickname thing without the man who inspired it.”

Very vaguely following, Remus nodded slowly.

”Alright. Let’s get to work. Halloween is six days away. That’s less than a week—“