Epistulae Heroum

“I gaze through my tears, and my eyes see further
than they used to do, sharpened by loving feelings.”

The Heroides - VI: Hypsipyle to Jason.

Sunday 13th October, 1975

”Alright, so, you talked, then you insulted him and then he kissed you?”

”Yep.” Remus nodded, his eyebrows drawn together.

”And then you kissed him?” 

“Yep.”

”And then you gave him a blowjob?” Dorcas asked.

”What?! No! Wha—where the bloody hell did you get that from?!” Remus immediately shrilled, to which Dorcas and Pandora began snorting cheekily to each other.

”Well, you said you took a walk to the bathroom, I assumed you meant to let him clean your drainpipe.” 

“Why—“ Remus shook his head, “Why would you assume that? I think you’re taking the ‘reading between the lines’ thing too seriously.”

”Too Siriusly.” Pandora winked, then frowned, “Oh, god. I’ve been reduced to James Potter level jokes.”

“That’s the price we pay for getting involved in Marauders drama.” Dorcas sighed, solemnly.

“Can we please get back to the subject at hand?!” Remus barked.

”Right. Yes. Continue.”

*

Remus felt like every one of his nerve endings were jumping and wriggling helplessly. He felt like he could fly—wait, no, wizards could do that. He felt like he could walk on water—they could probably do that too, actually. You know what, he felt good. That’s how he felt. And Sirius seemed to feel good as well. 

Sirius had been going back and forth between talking himself breathless and chewing on his fingernails to stop from talking himself breathless. They had spoken about anything from what a flutterby bush smelled like to which films Remus would show him one day (with a lecture about the fact it was not, in actuality, ‘shitty shitty bang bang’). 

“You know, Peeves was actually sort of the first person to know about our… communications.” Remus grinned gently, tapping off the excess ash from his cigarette out the window above them because Sirius couldn’t reach. Remus had learned that, when they were talking via window sill, Sirius had been actually sitting on it so he could get to the window. But, now, it was Remus sat on the tank of the ancient loo, Sirius leaning himself against the stall door opposite.

“I very much doubt that.” Sirius snorted, “I am so incapable of keeping anything to myself that I’m pretty sure James knew about it before I even put pen to tile.”

Remus chuckled, shaking his head and passing him the cigarette, “No, really. He was lurking in here and told me off for smoking that very first day.”

”Fuck off!” Sirius gasped, “What did you say to him to get him to leave?”

“I called him a nonce for being in the bathrooms in the first place.” Remus snickered, to which Sirius quickly joined, leaning forwards and grabbing Remus’ forearm tightly to steady himself. Remus felt a little bit like giggling at the action but just about managed to calm down.

Passing the cigarette back and leaning against the wall perpendicular to Remus, Sirius’ mouth smiled so widely it looked almost painful, “You know something, I actually stopped smoking in here after we started our ‘communications’ as you so… astronautically put it.”

“What? How come?”

”Well, as I mentioned earlier, I could only reach the window if I was actually sat on the windowsill…” Sirius trailed off sheepishly, turning a soft shade of pink.

”Oh, and you didn’t want to smudge the writing.” Remus practically cooed, smiling gormlessly. 

“Fuck off.” Sirius laughed, snatching the cigarette from Remus and looking down as he brought it to his lips.

”You brought it up, wanker!” Remus laughed along with him, “Don’t tell me something ridiculously adorable and expect me not to swoon.”

”Oh, you’re swooning, are you?” Sirius grinned up at him, tilting his head. Smoke left his lips with the words in a way that was utterly hypnotising.

”Shut up.” Remus muttered, leaning in to catch the smoke right out of his mouth, hand hooked around the back of his neck as their lips met.

*

“This isn’t fair.” Pandora huffed, kicking the cushion that Dorcas had taken to hugging atop her crossed legs right out of her grip to which Dorcas scowled at her for, “Xeno and I have such a boring love story.”

Swatting Pandora’s arm and reaching back to grab her cushion, Dorcas frowned at her, “You don’t have to be mean about it. What’s with the pillow abuse?”

”I’m allowed to be mean when I’m upset.”

”Petulant, more like.”

Regulus, who had been sat in complete silence with a grimace on his face the entire time, finally spoke up, “Why the fuck do I have to listen to this? It’s nearly two in the morning on a school night.”

”Oh, you’re worried about school nights, now, are you?” Dorcas snorted, “Count yourself lucky, Reg. This is the latest you’ll ever be in a girl’s bed.”

Regulus rolled his eyes and started to push himself up, reaching for the curtains than enclosed them.

”Wait!” Remus hissed, “You wanted to know what was up with your brother. This is me telling you.”

”I wanted to know if he was gonna do something stupid like throw Snape off the astronomy tower. I didn’t ask for a snog-by-snog between him and a boy I don’t even particularly like.”

“Well, that’s hurtful.”

”Trust me, ‘don’t particularly like’ is marriage potential in Regulus Black terms.” Dorcas informed him.

”And I’m leaving.” Was the last thing they heard from him before Regulus parted the curtains and clambered out. 

“D’you think he’ll remember to immobulise the stairs?” Pandora asked, frowning.

Dorcas snorted, “Let’s hope not.”

*

”Can I tell you something completely stupid?” Sirius’ voice was quiet and held an air of sheepishness, but that really was all that was necessary. The two boys had previously left the bathroom in search of a better, less pungent spot to talk—even if that spot provided both safety from the wrath of Filch and a prime place to relieve a nicotine addiction. But Sirius had insisted he knew a place where filch never checked.

Apparently—which didn’t surprise Remus at all—the Marauders had lots of hiding spots dotted around Hogwarts, memorised for easy access when it came to pranks. This particular one was wedged in about a metre and a half by metre and a half square of space behind one of the many knight statues that graced the halls. Heavy stone boxed them in so tight their knees were touching and the only light came from the moon that shone through the crack in the nights armour, but their body heat managed to keep them warm.

”Nothing is stupid.” Remus murmured, instinctively. Though, to be completely honest, it was very likely that everything he was to do currently would be instinctive because Sirius was fiddling with Remus’ fingers, playing with them absent-mindedly in a way one would with something they owned, something familiar to them they knew they could touch freely. Remus didn’t quite mind being owned by Sirius. 

Sirius snorted, quietly, “Well, you say that now.” He mused, “At first, I was a little bit scared of you.”

Remus’ brows quickly drew together, his eyes snapping up from where they had been glued on their hands to Sirius’ face, “Why the hell would you be scared of me?”

”To be fair, I was half trying to figure out if you were secretly one of my cousins trying to out my gay-ness.”

”Are they that evil or were you just paranoid?” Remus asked, slightly concerned.

”Bit of both, honestly.” Sirius answered, “Anyway, you were just… the way you think—the way you interacted with me, it was, uh, different. Which you know, of course. But, the thing was, I’ve never been sure of anything in my life. And you… everything was just so simple. I think it scared me because I thought all my worrying had been for nothing. But then I started to realise that maybe a lot of the things that were wrong with me existed because I worry too much.”

Remus’ head tilted of its own accord, his eyes now locked on the little crease in the middle of Sirius’ brow. He wondered what would happen if he kissed it better, “Well, like I told you before, I was a bit stuck when I was like that. When I said those things, I was very—as Pandora puts it—avoidant about my issues.”

”I suppose you’re in need of more worrying and I’m in need of less of it.” Sirius muttered, tracing the tip of his middle finger over Remus’ nail beds before suddenly gasping with a grin and reaching into the breast pocket of his jacket. Well, it was more of a cardigan, really. The whole ensemble was slightly daft, now that Remus properly paid attention, but—to his defence—he was rather distracted before with his mess of teenage hormones.

It was a set of pyjamas, clearly: one of those strange business-suit-looking-things patterned with a mix of black and purple gingham. Over the top was a multi-coloured cardigan that could definitely have been meant for women and on his feet were plain, black trainers. He looked so fucking ridiculous. Remus wanted to kiss him.

”Here.” Sirius muttered, almost to himself as he withdrew two skins and began folding one intricately, his eyebrows pulled together in concentration. Remus was so focused on trying to figure out what the fuck Sirius was doing that he hadn’t even realised the other skin was held out to him, “Go on!” Sirius urged, nodding his head.

Remus took it, confused, “What d’you want me to do with this?”

”Fold it.” Sirius said as though it were the obvious answer.

Alright, then. He was doing this now. Remus began to haphazardly fold the small slip of paper with no real idea of how it’d end up. Sort of like the past couple of months, really. Just going and going without any promise of how (or if) the two of them would come out the other end or if even trying to pursue a relationship would be beneficial at all. And, eventually, Remus had a shape with far too many sides and so many folds it was about half as thick as its length. 

“What the fuck is that!” Sirius shrilled, gaping at the folded skin in Remus’ hands.

”What?” Remus scoffed, “You said fold it!”

”Yeah, in like a way that’s cute or actually distinguishable as a concept.”

“How the bloody hell was I supposed to know that?”

Sirius rolled his eyes like Remus was truly silly, “Just pass it here.”

Remus did.

”Here. This is a bit of your ability to not care about trivial things that aren’t important in the long run.” Sirius continued, holding up the skin and slotting it into his pocket. Next, Sirius held out the skin he had folded—to look like a heart, Remus realised with a reminder to ask more questions in the future when it came to things Sirius may expect him to know—and placed it in the palm of Remus’ hand,

”This is a bit of my ability to care too much.” Sirius muttered, his voice quieter than it was. Remus’ eyebrows furrowed at the little heart in his hand before he took it between his forefinger and thumb, “Now, whenever you feel like you need more feelings, you’ve got some of mine. And whenever I need courage…” He pat the pocket in which Remus’ paper sat.

Oh, Remus was so gone.

*

”I hate boys.” Pandora declared with a frown.

”Hear hear.” Dorcas nodded.

”You wanted to know what happened?!” Remus protested, as far as he knew there hadn’t been anything said that would offend either of them. 

“Yeah, we didn’t want to be bludgeoned to death by our own lonely misery.” Dorcas scoffed and Remus had never been more appalled.

Remus threw his arms up in exasperation, letting them land on his crossed legs with an exaggerated splat which would have, if there hadn’t been silencing charms in place, definitely been heard by about half the castle. 

“You know what, no.” Pandora nodded, determined, “I’m perfectly content with boys as is. Does Xenophilius give me his courage in the form of a folded piece of paper? No. But he is plenty brilliant.”

”Hang on a bloody minute, you have no room to complain.” Dorcas cut in, “Lovegood is literally the male version of you.”

”Would you like to hear about the rest of the night or—“

And, just then, Remus was cut off by a shriek from Pandora, the girl falling back into the pillows as the bed curtains parted once again and outside light barrelled in. To seemingly everyone’s surprise, Marlene McKinnon was one foot into their space, gawking at them all with wide eyes.

”Well, hello.” Remus choked out as Pandora righted herself with equal confusion.

Marlene looked directly at Dorcas, then at Pandora and finally Remus.

”Marls.” Dorcas blinked, looking about the most caught-out he had ever seen.

”Marls.” Remus repeated, but with a smirk trying it’s way up his lips.

“I wasn’t—“ Marlene began, “I didn’t know—I see you have company… I’ll just-“

”No!” Dorcas shrilled as the other girl began retreating, “I mean—stay! We weren’t talking about anything important.”

”Well—“ Remus started, but was cut off by a dangerous glare sent by Dorcas.

At this, realisation seemed to strike Marlene, “Oh, Lupin! Were you talking about Sirius?”

“Erm—“ Remus blanked, because there wasn’t really much he was sure he could (or should) respond with.

“Oh, thank god.” Marlene let out a sigh of relief, now unabashedly climbing in and taking a spot on the bed, “I’ve been listening to him prattle on and on for weeks. So, did you snog him?”

Remus glanced with a slack jaw between all three girls, each one wearing a completely different emotion. Dorcas looked as though she had been caught with her hands down her pants, watching Marlene like she was making sure she hadn’t hallucinated her, Pandora looked like she was trying to discern what could possibly be the reason for her to be here at such a late hour and Marlene just looked fucking thrilled to be there. 

“Sorry, can we just address the fact you appeared out of thin air?” Remus asked.

Marlene’s mouth turned into an unsure frown and she slowly bunched her shoulders up noncommittally, “We could… Or we could—y’know, pretend this is a totally normal thing for a girl to do.”

”You snuck into the Slytherin common room?!” Pandora squeaked.

”Or we could do that.”

”How long have you two been—?” Remus gestured vaguely between them both. 

“Uh—since detention, I think.” Dorcas supplied, thoughtfully.

”Detention?!” Remus coughed out, “That was ages ago!”

”Yeah, well, some of us don’t need to helplessly pine to get what we want.” Marlene snorted.

”And you just sneak into her dormitory?” Pandoras eyes were narrowed thin in confusion. 

Marlene appeared as though she was trying to come up with an explanation for a few moments, before realising she could just reply with, “Yeah.”

Pandora was nodding, still looking confused, “Right… Right. Could you, uh, for no reason at all tell me how one would get into the Slytherin common rooms if one was not a Slytherin?”

Marlene snorted, one corner of her lip curving up into her dimpled cheek, “I will, yes, if I can hear Lupin’s side to the story.”

Pandora looked at Remus with an expression that left no room for argument.

”Oh, alright then.” Remus sighed, waving a hand, “Settle in.”

*

“So, just out of curiosity,” Sirius began, knocking his shoulder against Remus’. His voice was low as not to be heard in case anyone was close, “When did you realise it was me?”

Remus thought for a moment, actually quite unsure, “Well, to be fair, it was more of a gradual thing.”

”How in Godric’s name could it be a gradual thing?” Sirius snorted.

”I had a list. Of all the people in Muggle Studies, remember?” Remus shot a grin in his direction. 

Sirius gasped, swatting his arm, “Yeah, because you were a sneaky bugger and asked all the good questions!”

Remus shrugged, “It was only the one, really. Maybe you just weren’t clever enough.”

”I will break up with you before we’re even officially together, Remus Lupin.”

Laughing, Remus wound his arm around Sirius’, linking them as though they were two old ladies in a park that were shitting on the different dog breeds they passed, “Well, still took me ages to figure it out. Problem with having multiple candidates is the narrowing down. You were always pretty high up though.”

Sirius waggled his eyebrows in Remus’ direction, holding onto his arm with both hands like he was trying to run off with it and claim it for his own, “Wishful thinking?”

Remus did not provide an answer because he was incredibly sure whatever it was would get him heavily teased.

”What about you? When did you realise?” He eventually settled on.

”The start of year celebration.” Sirius answered immediately. Remus thought calling it a ‘celebration’ was holding it in a bit of a high  regard.

”Oh, god. So I did do something stupid.”

Sirius barked out a laugh, “Yes. The entire night you followed me around like a puppy, slobbering on my ankles and all.”

Realising Sirius was joking (after far too long of a beat), Remus snorted, “Yeah, well, I wouldn’t have blamed myself. You looked fucking ridiculous.”

At this, Sirius’ face dropped.

”No! Ridiculously good, I mean!” Remus quickly began to explain, “Like sinfully. Not that you don’t always look… sinfully good. Just that like—you remember the trousers. I certainly do. In fact, those trousers are about all I remember. Next morning I woke up with a hangover, our book on my face and a raging stiffy- Remus cut himself of with a gawk, eyes flying wide as he looked at Sirius, “I mean—“

Sirius was practically doubling over at this point and taking Remus’ arm with him, “You are fucking ridiculous.”

”I would like to pretend I didn’t say that, please.”

”Oh, absolutely not.” Sirius cackled, steering them around one of the corners as he straightened up. But, despite the laughing and teasing, a bright red flush was crawling up his neck, “I think that is going to be something I think about for a long time.”

”Now, hang on a minute. That is an equally incriminating thing to say.” Remus protested, scowling down at Sirius, “Where are we headed, anyway? We shouldn’t stay walking about for too long.”

”Stop changing the bloody subject!” Sirius laughed, a funny sounding thing in the middle of the squeak when you clean a window and a hiccup. Over and over: huick, huick, huick. Like he couldn’t control it. Remus was not going to tease him because he was sure Sirius would do his best to stop making the noise and Remus very much didn’t want him to.

“And I’m not sure where we’re going.” Sirius continued once he had sort of calmed himself, “I’m thinking we just keep walking until I find another hiding spot.”

”I could do with putting those on the Jocelyn, you know.” Remus pointed out, and when Sirius looked confused he added, “The map. It’d be handy. And I’d credit you, of course.”

”Oh, of course.” Sirius nodded, his lips pouting like the subject was deeply professional, “I could very well sue you, if not.”

”Fuck off.” Remus snorted, “I just mean, should the map get into the hands of anyone important in the future, they’d know it wasn’t just Remus Lupin who manufactured it.”

”I feel like putting your name on it is a bit… risky?” 

“Yeah, well, mine’s not on it at all, actually.” Remus told him, “It’s just sort of… blank at the minute.”

Sirius sat with this for a few moments, fiddling with the cuff of Remus’ sleeve to help his thoughts along, “Then why don’t you put our nicknames on it? Moony and Padfoot.”

Remus’ eyes widened and his lips pulled up at the corners, “Well, shit. That’s not a half bad idea.”

”I can be clever on occasion.” Sirius smirked in his direction, then moved his gaze back to the path, “Though, that name is gonna need a change too if my legacy will be permanently on it.”

”What’s wrong with the concept we have now?! It’s funny and secretive and—alright, maybe not that funny. But nobody ever knows what Pandora and I are on about when we say ‘will you just go and get Nancy from the dormitory’.”

”Well, you’re missing one key point. That is incredibly lame.”

”Lame?”

”I read it in an American muggle magazine once.” Sirius dismissed with a wave of his hand as though that explained at all what the word meant, “You need one that’s snappy. Cool and easy to remember.”

”And what do you suggest?”

Sirius frowned, eyebrows pulling together into a furrow in thought. He turned to look up at Remus, “Leave it with me.”

After that, there was no time to deliberate because, at the end of the hallway, there was a very distinct meow that always, somehow, held an air of distaste.

”Shit. Mrs Norris.” Sirius hissed as he straightened up and suddenly Remus’ arm was being yanked into a run in the opposite direction to the cat. But Remus was not protesting.

Thing was with Mrs Norris, people were usually intimidated by her because she somehow had this way of communicating with Filch when she spotted anyone doing something or being somewhere they shouldn’t. Remus only wished he had the same qualms. Because, no, Mrs Norris did not care for Remus. Mrs Norris hated him, actually. So much that, whenever Remus was doing something he shouldn’t, she’d take matters into her own hands.

”Why the fuck is she running after us?!” Sirius screeched, glancing back at the cat that was now practically sprinting. Remus didn’t know cats could sprint.

”You know how cats aren’t too keen on dogs…?”

”Oh, you’ve got to be kidding me.” Sirius laughed, actually full on laughed without a trace of distaste as though it wasn’t one more thing that wouldn’t exist had Remus been human.

And then Sirius’ hand was sliding from Remus’ forearm to lace between his fingers given Remus was not at all lasting in the test of endurance. They ran and ran because there was simply nothing else to do, weaving through corridors that were silent apart from the pattering of feet, checking behind to see if they had lost the beast yet and eyeing what classrooms were close by in case they could slip in when they were just out of Mrs Norris’ sight.

”What’re you doing?!” Remus hissed as Sirius pulled out his wand. Sirius looked at him with wide eyes that made Remus want to laugh and put him where nowhere could hurt him because Sirius truly had no idea what he was supposed to do and he was so stupid and lovely and—

”It’ll be fine! Quick immobulus charm.” 

“Yeah, and then Filch’ll string you up by your toes tomorrow in the courtyard.” Remus shook his head exasperatedly, but his grin betrayed him.

”How will he find out?!” Sirius gawked, panting and pulling them around another corner. 

“Trust me, he will.”

Seven minutes. That’s how long it took to get rid of Mrs fucking Norris the fucking cat. Remus knew this because he knew how long it took to get from one end of the castle to the other—twenty one minutes—and that was by walking. Seven minutes is an estimate because he did not want to believe it to be longer.

It’d been a staircase that’d done it, in the end. Remus and Sirius had climbed on, attached hands sweating between them, and they had laughed and waved at the cat is it drew up short just as the staircase began to rotate. Remus had almost believed she’d give the jump a try but seemed to decide neither of them were worth it—canine or not. 

“Good bloody god.” Remus heaved when they emerged in the nearest hallway. 

“If you think your muggle god is good after that, I reckon you need your morals checked.” Sirius laughed, still not untangling their palms even though they were clammy. 

“Fuck if I believe in muggle god.” Remus snorted in response.

”Maybe you should.” A familiar voice called from down the hallway, “You could pray for me to go easy on you.”

Both Remus and Sirius’ heads turned slowly to see one Lily Evans with her hands on her hips, eyebrows raised like she was born to reprimand people for their wrongdoings.

”Evans!” Sirius cheered, throwing his free hand up as his face erupted into a grin.

”Black.” She nodded, unimpressed. Then, her gaze moved to their interlocked hands, before landing on Remus, “And Remus Lupin?”

Sirius snatched their hands apart in a way that made Remus arch an eyebrow at him, refraining from saying anything, “We were just—er.”

Lily’s sigh was exasperated, her head shaking in disbelief, “I can’t believe you’re corrupting poor Remus with your mischief.”

”Wha—!” Sirius began to protest, “How do you know he’s not corrupting me?! He’s literally a Slytherin!”

”That’s awfully stereotypical, coming from you.” She scoffed.

”I didn’t mean—agh, for fuck sake.” Sirius swiped a palm over his face, “Please, for the sake of the ten kilometre run we’ve just had to do to get away from Mrs Norris, just let us go.”

At this, Lily’s mouth pulled into a grin and a snort left her, “Continue.”

Sirius looked up from where his head was pitifully buried, glancing at Remus sceptically before turning back to her, “We just came out for a walk, I promise. Please, I’ll owe you for it. I’ll get James to stop pestering you, anything. Just let us have this one.”

“You promise you aren’t corrupting Remus?” Lily asked.

”I’m completely consenting to anything Sirius wishes to do to—ahem, with me.” Remus nodded, his mouth fighting a smile.

Sirius shot him a look that was about fifty different emotions in one—that Remus did not at all need to search deep for—before looking pleadingly at Lily again.

”Just—“ Lily began, raising a finger and taking a step towards Sirius, “-beg one more time, please.” 

“Sorry?” Sirius choked out. Remus brought his hand up to his mouth to cover the grin that he had no hope of holding back.

”Oh, I like this a lot.” Lily grinned, her eyes glinting, “Go on.”

”Uh—“ Sirius cleared his throat, now a heavy shade of red that Lily seemed to relish in, “Please… let us go. I already have loads of detentions and I now currently have something I would much rather be doing in my free time rather than another. Please, Lily.”

She pursed her lips, “So you plan to, after leaving this corridor, go straight to bed?”

”Yes.” Sirius nodded.

”And not leave your bed?”

”Yes.”

”And there will not be anything waiting for me in the morning that involves paint, hexes, dungbombs or anything of the like?”

”Mhm.”

”Would you like me to let you go?” She challenged, one last time. 

Sirius’ jaw seemed to set, “Yes.”

”Yes, what?”

He scowled, “Please.”

She gave a swift nod, “You are one-hundred percent going to go back to your dormitories now, with any and all mischief that you have planned completely packed away and under control?”

”Yeah, definitely. Mischief managed.” Sirius responded, looking very over it.

Looking completely chuffed with herself, Lily wiggled her head, “Good. Enjoy your night.”

*

Marlene was absolutely pissing herself with laughter, what had been roaring now diminished to a breathless chuckle as she buried herself in Dorcas’ lap.

”She got Sirius to fucking beg, oh my lord!”