Consolulations
“We burn within: we burn:
and our feelings suffer the secret wounds:
I suppose that, as a young ox is chafed by the yoke,
and a horse captured from the herd scarcely suffers the harness,
so with great difficulty, with rawness, the heart suffers new love.”
The Heroides - IV: Phaedra to Hippolytus
Friday 27th September, 1975
”Go on.” Remus urged, quietly.
Even in the full great hall, voices filtering through the rumble of conversation and activity, it felt very quiet in their seats seven rows from the end. Pandora was staring at the letter, too brown to be burgundy and stamped with the Rosier family crest in raised lettering. Anyone who bothered to pay attention to any of them (not that they ever did) would probably think it was a howler by the way Pandora looked as though her heart had dropped out of her arse.
“I don’t want to.” She eventually said, straightening her arm to pass it along the table, “Will you?”
”Me?” Remus asked, eyes flitting down to the envelope before hesitantly taking it. However, when he tried to open it, the envelope’s flap wouldn’t budge. He held it back to her, “Blood sealed.”
She gave a great huff and snatched it back, ripping it open and unfolding it. Remus watched as her eyes scanned the parchment, another crest stamped on it where he could see at the back, before she looked down into her lap, deep in thought.
”What? What did it say?” Remus asked, “Please don’t just walk away again. I’ve forgotten that teacup-saucer-teleporting spell.”
Pandora swallowed, looking back at the letter before a gentle sigh escaped her lips, “Pandora.” She read, “I appreciate your honesty. To be a Rosier is to be brave. To refuse when others want for us what we do not want for ourselves. But to be a Rosier also means to be prideful and pride is, in the perspective of others, measured by how much responsibility we take.”
”I also understand that you are still a girl. I married your father when I was just sixteen and, although my parents were proud, I do think that it wouldn’t have been too much an ask to have a few more years of childhood. The Flints have a son just two years younger than you if Rabastan isn’t unavailable at that time. Or, if we’re lucky, I hear Walburga may be looking for a match for her sons soon. Both your age. Perhaps we have made the wrong decision, rushing in so quick. We’ll discuss it again further this Christmas before the gala. If you change your mind, there may be someone there we could speak with. Regards, ma rose. Mother.”
The pair of them were silent for a few moments, taking in the words. Remus watched Pandora thumb the corners of it before folding and slotting it into her bag.
”Well, that’s not great.” Remus spoke, finally.
“Are you joking?” Pandora asked, though her tone was flatter than what it should’ve been, “It’s brilliant.”
”Brilliant? What? Why?”
”It gives me time to plan my escape.”
Remus’ mind went blank at the words, too many thoughts rushing in at the same time. When he came back into himself, his mouth gaped slightly, “Sorry, pardon?”
”Well, escape is rather dramatic.” Pandora continued, easily, as though it were normal conversation, “I just need to find out a way to get disinherited.”
”Wha-I—ha—and just how long has this been the plan?” He blinked, more confused than anything.
”A few days.” Pandora answered, “Well, it’s always been a backup plan, but Xenophilius spurred it, really.”
“Xenophilius… who you met last weekend?”
“Yep.” She nodded, standing up and slinging her bag over her shoulder. Remus quickly followed suit, scrambling up and nearly tripping face-first onto the floor in an attempt to manoeuvre off the bench. He kept a quick pace as he rushed down the aisles between the tables, trying to meet her where they break. Christ, it really was a pain they insisted on opposite sides.
“Pandora!” Remus called over the table, getting some odd stares though managing to keep up with her, “Can we please talk about this for more than—two seconds?”
“I don’t see why we should.” She replied once they met, Remus jogging towards her at the space in the dead centre of the Slytherin table. It was slightly frustrating - her blasé attitude - but it was regular Pandora. Not the shouty-scary-normal-teenage-girl one he got the other week…
”What’s the plan, then?” Remus asked, “Be homeless for a bit?”
”No, obviously. Xeno said I can live with him until I can sort myself out. His dad wont mind—they love visitors.”
”Yes, but, Pandora. You wont just be a visitor? And who says you’ll still be with Xeno by then. For fuck sake, you’re not even with him yet now!” Remus argued, the pair of them heading towards the hall’s exit.
”He says he doesn’t mind.” She shrugged, looking up at Remus, “He says that, unless I were to curse his father or something, he’d feel better that I’m not on my own. Even if our relationship never worked out.”
”So you’ve known him a week and have already discussed splitting up…?”
“It’s called communication. Though I don’t think you’re very good with that, are you?”
”Point taken.”
”Thank you very—oomf.”
Both Remus and Pandora’s heads whipped to find a very put-out looking Regulus Black, jaw set and eyes closed in clear frustration as he set about correcting his robes.
”Do you mind watching where you’re going?” He quipped, opening his eyes and somehow managing to both widen and narrow them at the same time.
“Nope, sorry. I’m trying to figure out how to not marry you, ‘scuse me.” Pandora smiled, linking her arm with Remus’ and guiding him out of the great hall. He threw a shrug back at the bewildered and spluttering Regulus before letting her.
“Can we please go back to the bigger picture, here?” Remus asked, eyebrows knitted together tightly, “You just want to leave your family. Just like that?”
”They aren’t doing me any good now, are they?”
”What about Evan?”
She snorted, rolling her eyes as though Remus was the one being silly, “He’s coming with me, of course.”
Remus paused, stopping them both in the hallway and earning a confused look from both Pandora and the Bloody Baron who just so happened to be floating by.
“Does Evan know this?”
”Not yet. Though, I doubt he’ll be adverse. Mother’s been trying to find him a wife for ages too.” She replied.
He took a moment to deliberate, narrowing his eyes at the stone floor and waiting for a sound thought to come into his mind. There was so much that could go wrong. So many risks. But, the frustrating part was, it was a risk for her to stay too. It was the harder of the two options—choosing to run. Pandora was never known for choosing the easy way out.
“Will you promise me one thing?” Remus asked, defeated.
”Go on.”
”Talk to someone who knows what to do in situations like this. Not just me.”
*
Afternoon, Moony!!
Sorry I didn’t get a chance to talk this morning.
Quidditch practice.
No problem.
Was it fun?
You joking?
Freezing cold, five in the morning, Prongs regaling his tales of prefect patrol with his one true love?
Bliss, Moony.
Bliss.
Well, if it’s any consolation, I’ve had a pretty weird morning myself.
How come?
It started off with my dorm mate being nice to me?
Which was certainly…
Unsettling?
Exactly.
Then my friend just decided on a pretty big life decision.
…That included running away with a boy she’s known for less than a week.
Well!
That’s…
Unsettling?
Exactly.
Is it Salamander?
Yeah. To be fair, it is in her best interest.
Also are we set on that nickname?
Eh.
I give nicknames regardless of whether people like them or not.
Oh, no.
She’ll love it.
Will she, now?
Undoubtedly.
Your so hot and sexy and fit i love you moony
Hello, Prongs.
OMM!! You noticed the different handwriting!
That’s so cute.
Yeah. Absolutely nothing to do with the out of character comment.
He was so right.
You can sound sarcastic in writing.
Is he aware that you’re… writing?
Yep.
I said I’d give him an extra hour tomorrow morning before the match if he lets me speak to you.
Speak away.
What are your intentions with my Padfoot?
Straight in, then.
Don’t sass me.
This… Well, the answer was difficult. What was he supposed to say? Remus was staring to seriously like Padfoot. Or Sirius-ly. For fuck sake. He was so gone, But, realistically, where could a relationship go? A ‘blood-traitor’ in a relationship with a half-blood Slytherin werewolf who are both boys, by the way, and were sure to be—OH MY GOD! He has literally never cared about shit like this before! What is going on?!
With a defiant huff, Remus put pen to paper again.
Honestly?
No clue.
But, I know I really like him.
Like in a way that’s probably not norma
Since when did he give a rat’s arse about ‘normal’?
standard for someone you’ve only been communicating with for three weeks.
I’m not very good at relationships. But I want you to know that I really care about Padfoot. Enough that I would never do anything to deliberately hurt him.
…
Prongs?
PASS!
WITH FLYING COLOURS!
…Yay?
Oh, come on. Let’s get some enthusiasm up in here!
That was the cutest shit I’ve ever read.
I’m gonna show Pads.
What’s Pa…?
NO!
PRONGS DO NOT SHOW HIM!
Chill out!
I wont.
;)
What the hell is that?
A winky face!
Oh.
Oh, yeah. I kinda see it.
Shut up. That is an excellent winky face.
***
Saturday 28th September, 1975
“Why’s it so bloody cold? It’s only September.” Remus hissed, his teeth practically chattering as he crossed his arms tight over his jumper.
“Some winds have come down from Norway.” Pandora answered, seemingly fine, “Do a warming spell.” The pair of them took their seats on the stands, watching as the teams below gathered on the pitch.
”I didn’t know McKinnon was on the Gryffindor team.” Remus pointed out, squinting his eyes to get a better look.
”I did…” A voice answered from over Remus’ shoulder, breathlessly. He turned around to find Dorcas and a very put-out looking Barty Crouch sitting down on the row behind.
”You’re practically slobbering.” Crouch spoke, though he didn’t seem that shy of slobbering himself. Remus couldn’t tell specifically where his gaze was on the pitch, but it was curiously close to a certain blonde keeper.
“You’ll be slobbering soon, wont you?” Pandora nudged Remus, wiggling her eyebrows. Well… trying to wiggle her eyebrows. She looked more like she was trying to both nudge her hairline further up her forehead and put a weird curse on him.
“Terribly bad habit, slobbering.” A quick Irish voice chirped in from the other side of her, “I suggest chewing catnip.”
“Xeno!” Pandora gasped, a bright grin overtaking her face, “I didn’t know you were sitting with us!”
”Thought I should. At least now I can cheer for a team actually playing.” He nodded.
“Could he not just cheer from his stands?” Remus heard Crouch mutter to Dorcas behind them.
”You look quite cold, Pandora.” Xenophilius commented, taking off the large, rather offensive-to-the-eye woollen coat and wrapping it around her shoulders.
“Thank you.” She nodded, shooting a prompt smile his way then turning to face the pitch again
Remus had to admit.
They were very cute.
”Hello and welcome to the first game of the 1975 Hogwarts house cup! I’m Otto Bagman, bringing you this probably-not-so-great commentary. Here we have newly appointed Gryffindor captain Charlie Bell leading the team into the middle of the pitch to shake hands with Slytherin Captain, Emma Vanity. You know, I always wonder what they’re saying to each other at this bit. Can anybody read lips?”
Remus’ eyes flicked to the pitch, scanning it before landing on the two groups dead centre. When they landed on Sirius, his stomach didn’t swoop, nor did he feel like some sort of fan-girl. It was that feeling of familiarity that came after a day filled with unrecognised faces when you got home to your family or friends. That knowing feeling when someone shot you a wink or when you told an inside joke.
Neither of them could see each others faces. Honestly, Sirius probably didn’t even know Remus was paying attention. Though it was like the two of them held a secret to the universe and nobody else understood. An ‘I know you and you know me and I’ll keep that thing that makes you feel as though you’re falling safe in this little box’ moment. The feeling was entirely new to Remus, but every part of him trusted Sirius with that little box. Trusted him not to let him fall for real.
When the game began, Remus saw something in Sirius’ shoulders that he hadn’t seen before. It was very minor but it was so different from his usual lackadaisicalness that it was as obvious as a giant, glowing red sign above his head that read ‘SOMETHING IS WRONG’.
“Brilliant armwork from Slytherin beater Helena Hoddle and—Oh! That bludger just missed the end of Gryffindor Chaser Marlene McKinnon’s broom, there. Slytherin Chaser Hez—good Christ, that’s a mouthful, Hezekiah Burke takes possession of the quaffle but oh! Not for long! Bell cuts him off and snatches it right out of his arm.”
Remus had attended quidditch games in the past, of course he had. Thing about those was he didn’t really care enough about any of the players to root for them and usually just joined Pandora in support of Evan. Now, however, he felt his ribs caging in his lungs when a bludger came too close to Potter or when Sirius flew very sharply towards the ground, he got up with the crowd every time a team scored and screamed like an idiot and he grabbed the bar that bordered the row in front of him like he’d fly over if he didn’t.
“Woah, woah. Alright! I think Dawson’s caught sight of the snitch! Yep. She definitely has—woah! Look at that speed! Whey, hey, but we’ve got Black - the younger one - coming up quickly behind. What d’you think? Reckon Black’ll catch the snitch on his first ever game? And—Jesus Bloody—! A bludger redirected by Gryffindor’s Arthur Brown has clipped Greengrass on the ankle. She looks like she’s alright but that’s surely got to hinder her play.”
”Another goal for Gryffindor! Potter’s really going for that captain spot next year, hey?”
”And Rosier—is he gonna block it? Is he—oh! It was a miss, anyway. Unlucky, Bell.”
”Clifford Beckham has just dropped the quaffle?! What is up with our players today? Merlin’s… No way. Black has hit the quaffle with his beaters bat towards McKinnon!”
“Look at that! Black is in the lead for the snitch. But Dawson is not having it. What the Helga? Looks like they’re tryna shove each other off their brooms, ha! Oh, sorry professor. Sorry about that, everyone. Apparently I’m not supposed to laugh at violence.”
*
“Come on, I wanna go and congratulate them.” Dorcas whined, pulling on Remus’ sleeve and trying to drag him off the stands.
”What d’you mean, congratulate them? They didn’t win!” He scoffed, letting himself be pulled down the wooden steps. Though, it quickly turned to having to actually contribute to walking himself unless he wanted to be trampled by the impatient crowd.
“Console them, then. Fuck off. I just wanna see Marlene.”
”See Marlene all sweaty.” Remus muttered under his breath. It was so quiet amongst the rowdy teenagers that he questioned if Dorcas secretly had werewolf hearing too, watching as she turned around and glared daggers into him.
”Why couldn’t you bring Crouch or Pandora?!”
“Isi is trying to introduce Evan to Xeno which will not at all go down well so Barty needs to be there. And do you think Barty would willingly go anywhere near Gryffindors anyway?” Dorcas supplied, nearly tripping over a second-year’s loafers but managing to play it off.
“Why wont it go well?”
“Evan is not used to meeting boys that Isi will actually give a chance.”
“Please stop with the ‘Isi’. I know you want to be cool and different but it’s confusing and not at all catching on.”
”Shut up. Anyway, Evan is gonna see how perfect Xeno is for Pandora and think about all of Barty’s imperfections and panic that, because he’s not completely ideal, that maybe it’s not worth it and, when he eventually does tell Pandora about them (which Reg told me they told him they were planning to do at some point), she’s going to go off the handle because of the type of person Barty is.”
“Hang on—Gimme a… So Barty and Evan know that Regulus knows about them?”
”Yes. We spoke to them this week. Catch up. Then Evan is going to worry that they aren’t doing the right thing and avoid Barty entirely until he inevitably drags Barty into a broom cupboard or whatever because he can’t resist. Barty being there will stop him from going all…” She waved a vague hand, “Spirally. And the cycle will stop before it’s even started.”
“Can we please go back to my last question?! Are they not curious as to how Regulus knows…?” About Remus’ loose, confused lips.
”No. Boys are shallow and stupid. They probably just assumed Reg and I figured it out or something.”
”Great.” Remus nodded, still trailing slightly behind her as they navigated past the Slytherin changing rooms, “How on earth do you know all of this if you’ve only started… talking to them about their relationship a few days ago?”
”I know everything.” She answered, pushing the doors to the Gryffindor changing rooms open.
It was a communal area with wooden shelves that lined the front and back walls, they were like the ones in the prefects bathroom but varying in size and length to fit various things like brooms, clothes, shoes, bats and a sock hamper that Remus did not want to go anywhere near. To the left and right were two different tiled entrances. They were like those awkward walls you had to meander around to get into public toilets, one leading to the showers and the other to the changing room, both marked with a brass plaque and arrow.
“What am I supposed to do?” Remus protested, gesturing to the ‘ladies’ (as labelled) side, “I can’t go in there!”
”Remus, you’re gay.”
”So are you! I’ll be skinned alive if a teacher catches me.”
”Since when do you care about doing what other people want?”
”Oh—I! Ugh! God sake. What if there’s…”
Dorcas nodded with a patronising expression, urging him to continue.
”Boobs!” He hissed.
She stared at him.
”Shut up, grow up and stay here.” She marched towards the girls changing room.
”Stop telling me to shut up!” He called after her. Dorcas turned around and sent a venomous glare, “…Please?”
Remus was left stood awkwardly in the middle of the room, glancing around nervously at every door that surrounded him. It wasn’t usually that he was bothered by the surprise of naked people (you fear for your eyes every day living in a dormitory with Snape), but it was maybe more the fact that there was perhaps maybe a certain you know—you know. A certain boy. A Remus-may-have-thought-about-in-that-position-more-than-once certain boy.
Alright, sue him. This is what people want, isn’t it? For him to, for once, actually give a shit about something that isn’t his latest homework assignment or Greco-Roman mythology? Remus can fancy someone! And… woah! Where is he going?! His feet aren’t doing that!
”I’ve never cared about that stuff.” Remus ground out under his breath, “Why do I care now?”
He walked straight towards the gents and turned at the sign for the changing room before stopping dead.
There was no door. Of course there wasn’t. It was one of those awkward meander-y entrances.
Remus could hear voices of different pitches speaking to each other. A few more steps and he’d—oh my fucking god in Christ, just go!
“Think you might be lost, mate.” One of the boys, Arthur Brown, spoke when Remus rounded the corner, one hand on the tile, “Slytherin’s one building over.”
Remus didn’t know whether he was in heaven or hell. Sweaty half-dressed boys would certainly favour the former but the smell… This was worse than the teenage girl gas chamber. He glanced around the room, pegs lining the walls, occasional robes and towels dotted about, but no certain boy.
“Come to gloat?” Peter Liddel scoffed, dejectedly throwing the towel that was wrapped around his neck onto the bench in front of him and not looking anywhere near Remus’ direction.
”Nah—I’m just looking for Si… for Black… and also Potter.” Because the other boy was curiously not there and it would be suspicious if Remus were to look for Sirius solely. What is it they’d be suspicious of? Remus was still figuring that out. But it was just suspicious, alright?
”Showers.” Brown supplied. Remus gave him a nod and quickly turned around to walk towards the—WOAH! What the fuck was he doing?! He can’t just walk into the sh—
“I’m alright, really. I am, Jamie. And it’s not like I was shit. It was Bell and his stupid captaining skills. You’d be miles better.”
”True. But you know that’s not what I mean.”
Remus should not be listening in. But it wasn’t like he couldn’t. The two boys were in the entrance area where Remus had been before, sat on one of the middle benches, from what he could gather. They must’ve just left the showers and decided to detour before the changing rooms. The conversation sounded like something Remus certainly shouldn’t listen in on. But some part of himself - the nosy part - couldn’t help it.
”It was just… weird, alright? It’s not like I don’t see him ever outside of summer, but this was…”
”Weird?”
Sirius gave a small chuckle, though there was no humour in it, “Quidditch is my thing. I know that’s a stupid, childish thing to say but it always has been. He’s had his viola and his cello and his oboe and whatever fucking else my pretentious mother would shove in his hands. He’s always been cleverer. He’s always been quicker. But quidditch was the one thing I could have and not have to think about competing. It doesn’t help that he’s clearly made his choice with mother. I was perfectly fine with him sat at the Slytherin table and shoving it in my face that way. But now…” He trailed off, sighing, “I feel pathetic even thinking about it.”
”Don’t.” Potter said, firmly, “Sirius, look at me. I see how you are on that pitch. I see how you just forget whatever bothers you the second you pick up your bat. Bit hard to have a distraction when what bothers you is looking you in the eye.”
They were both quiet. Remus debated stepping out at this point, making an awful excuse up about being lost and heading out the door. But, once again, he couldn’t.
”I don’t hate him, James.” It was so quiet that even Remus’ hearing almost didn’t pick it up.
“I know.”
”Remus.” Sirius looked over James’ shoulder to where Remus had rounded the corner, lips awkwardly parted.
”I thought we were talking about Reg—oh!” James’ eyes widened as he followed Sirius’ gaze, twisting around.
”Did you—uh, did you hear any of that?” Sirius asked, standing up with… oh my… there was… there’s a towel—and—and there’s… hip bones…
Say no. Say no.
”Yes.”
”Uh… Why?”
“I’m nosey.”
Remus probably deserved to be slapped. Remus did not mind being slapped by Sirius in that… getup.
To his surprise, there was no slapping. In fact, Sirius looked at Potter and poorly attempted to conceal snickers, biting down on his bottom lip in a way that was not helping.
”Hello, Remus.” James said, turning back to look at him with a snort of his own.
”Hello… James?” Because apparently that’s what they referred to each other as now.
”You know what?” James stood up, slapping his hands on his thighs in a very dad-like way, “I’ve got to go and get dressed and dry my hair or else it goes all messy.”
”Your hair is messy anyway.” Remus commented.
”Thank you, Remus.” He nodded with a bright grin, before turning to Sirius and leaning in to whisper something Remus definitely was not supposed to catch. But Remus was a werewolf, as reminded very abruptly by his nose, “Quidditch doesn’t have to be your only distraction, does it?”
James turned around and walked straight past Remus into the changing rooms, patting him on the shoulder as he went.
“So…” Sirius pursed his lips, “Any specific reason you’re in the loosing team’s changing rooms? Sorry, the opposing loosing teams changing rooms?”
”Yeah.” Remus nodded.
Sirius quirked an eyebrow, a smile taking over his lips, “Don’t feel like giving a reason?”
”Dorcas wanted to see Marlene for reasons that are totally different than why I’m here and I can’t go into the girls changing rooms with her because of boobs and then I wanted to speak to you so I went into the boys changing rooms and you weren’t there and then you were speaking to James and I didn’t want to interrupt and…” Towel…
Cool…
Totally cool.
Sirius huffed out a laugh of pure disbelief, shaking his head, “You’re bloody ridiculous.”
”I have been told, yes.” Remus nodded, taking a step closer. Partly to get away from the stench of the changing rooms and towards the smell of perfumed shower gel.
”Anything you specifically wanted to talk about?”
”Not really. I just like speaking to you.”
Again, Sirius laughed, taking a step forwards and crossing his arms over his chest.
“You have zero tact.”
”Tact is pointless.”
”You speak only in sarcasm and truth-”
”I’m trying to learn Latin, too.”
“—except the only truth that really matters you don’t say.”
”Not technically lies if you don’t ask in the first place.”
”You’re a prefect but helped us set up a prank.”
“Nobody asked me if I did, did they?”
”You’re incredibly clever but act like you’ve not got a clue what’s going on.”
”Okay, that’s hurtful.”
”You just accept that what is, is.”
”Would you say that what is, isn’t?”
”And you’re not at all scared that I’ll think you’re strange.”
Remus wasn’t sure when or how they had gotten closer together. He didn’t know how he could feel the heat from the warm droplets of shower water on Sirius’ shoulders through his jumper or how the scent of his conditioner was so strong he could practically taste it.
“You’re actually wrong about that one.” Remus muttered, “I’m bloody terrified.”
Remus wanted him. So badly. He didn’t want to just kiss him. He didn’t want to just talk. He wanted him. He wanted to wake up after full moons to Sirius’ pretty lips parted in sleep. He wanted to skip lessons and spend the day in Hogsmeade trying ridiculous robes on in that old charity shop and eating chocolate and bloodpops until they couldn’t speak. He wanted to go back to bed and taste chocolate and bloodpops on Sirius’ tongue even though the thought of any more sweets made him sick. He wanted it all. Every little tiny horrible beautiful thing.
But the sounds of cackling laughter and approaching footsteps ripped that away.
*
Sunday 29th September, 1975 - 02:12am
I’m terrified too