If Only I Had The Nerve
“Your last labour, by some art, to deceive the guardian
that knows no sleep, and make its eyes succumb.”
The Heroides - XII: Medea to Jason
Monday 30th September, 1975
Remus looked over at the pair with slightly narrowed eyes, mainly in confusion on how she’d managed to ‘smuggle’ a sixth year into divination. Professor Giles, a tall man with almost unsettlingly long limbs and abysmal posture, hadn’t seemed to notice the fact Pandora had a strange boy snuggling up to her. Yes, snuggling was the appropriate word. Xenophilius was sat on the ground directly in front of her, the short stools allowing for him to lay back against her chest as he let Pandora rest her chin atop his blonde hair.
There was also the confusion on why he was here in the first place. Every few sentences Professor Giles spoke, they’d glance at each other as though the statement was utterly silly and occasionally dissolve into silent giggles. Well, silent for everyone but Remus. They had their places near the back, as the clingy pair had insisted, and there was a lit stick of incense on the windowsill next to Remus that he kept glaring at every time the end of it dropped off. It was so boiling he could feel sweat drip down the back of his neck and he was going to just about explode.
”Now, for those of you who would like to continue with divination in your NEWTs, I’d recommend paying special attention to the information written in lemon juice in your textbooks. Black lights will be provided for you to collect on your way out—Yes, Miss Jones?”
”Sir, why isn’t it just in regular writing?” Hestia asked, brows furrowed as she glanced over at the basket of torches. At this, Pandora and Xenophilius dissolved into snickers once again and Remus was on his last leg, finger tapping impatiently on the table in front of him.
”Well, Miss Jones,” Professor Giles nodded, “That is because sometimes the most important things are those in which we cannot see.”
”That makes no sense! No sense!” Remus shrilled, standing up and slinging his bag over his shoulder so hard it nearly winded him.
”Mr Lupin?” Giles questioned, eyebrows practically hitting his scalp, “Mr Lupin!”
”Where are you going?”
”You cannot just leave in the middle of class!”
Once Remus scaled the ladder and made it to fresh air, he took his hair in a tight grip, knuckles white, before stomping off down the hall. He’d look back on it later and regret it, he knew, but there was absolutely nothing in the entire world that would convince him to stay in that absolute oven. Remus dug in his bag and wrenched out the only thing (apart from probably a chocolate fudge cake) that could make him feel better.
What is wrong with people?
Oh, Merlin.
What’s happened?
Imagine this!
You’re in divination.
You feel like you’re being hotboxed.
The teacher is spewing more shit than a toilet after an agitated moaning myrtle got her hands on it.
And your best friend is there practically humping her new boyfriend.
Good lord.
I would not like to imagine that, thank you very much.
I’m in History of Magic at the minute.
I’m hungry.
I’m hungry and I need a drink.
Not alcoholic I’m not insane.
I want Ribena.
I miss Ribena.
Are you sure you weren’t actually hotboxed?
I wish.
What on earth is Ribena?
Exactly. I’ve been trying to figure that out my whole life.
It’s like Dr Pepper.
You don’t care enough about what’s in it so you just drink it.
Who’s Dr Pepper?
We need some serious muggle schooling on your end.
Siri Are you in class?
Fuck no.
Moony!
It would literally be more productive for me to try and teach blast-ended skrewts how to roll a fag.
You can roll this fag.
Awful.
I’m aware.
Oh, no. Not judging.
I’m 80% sure I made the same joke to Aidan Kirkhall back when I thought he was you.
Aidan Kirkhall was on my list of Moonys too!
Bless him. I really hope he didn’t understand.
You’re deflecting!
Why are you out of class?
I already told you.
It was a shitshow.
OWLs are soon.
You know, I really didn’t have you pegged as the type to care about exams.
You can have me pegged anytime.
I walked straight into that one.
Walking straight into a gay joke?
Why are you still going?
I can go for as looong as you want.
Please stop.
You’re in class.
Which is where you’re supposed to be?
You know, it is difficult to write and walk.
No!
Don’t leave me!
Also I bet you can make it difficult for me to walk ‘ . (
What the hell is that?
What?
The thing.
The dots and the line.
A winky face! Prongs taught me how to do one!
…
Well.
It’s definitely there.
Shut up.
No wait, don’t. I’m falling asleep here.
Moony!
Moony, come back!
”That’s what he gets for telling me to shut up.” Remus grumbled, though the grin on his face betrayed him as he stuffed the book into his bag once more and reached for the door handle. The best part of wagging lesson is that he could sit in his dormitory and do whatever the fuck he wanted without being—
There, dotted around the various beds, was Crouch, Evan, Dorcas and Regulus. Remus’ mouth thinned into a line as four gazes whipped to him. Five if you count Corn On The Cob nestled on Regulus’ lap. Remus immediately went to turn around.
”Oh, no you don’t!” Dorcas called out, and Remus was being pulled back into the room by a strong arm.
“I’d prefer not to be involved.” Remus stated, his mouth bordering a pout as she ordered him to sit down on the trunk at the end of Barty’s bed.
”Tough.” Dorcas said, “These two need to sort their shit out and your over-stupidity is helpful sometimes.”
“Thanks.” Remus nodded.
Evan’s face seemed to pale, his shoulders going rigid and his eyes flicking from Dorcas to Remus, “I—she’s—it’s just a friendly argument—not… I mean—not friendly… that makes no sense! Hah… like friend! Because—because we’re friends! A friend-argument!”
”Relax, he knows.” Crouch sighed, running his hands over his face.
“He—what?”
“He wont say anything.” Regulus chipped in, “He’s gay too.”
At this, both Evan and Barty’s eyes bulged.
“Reg!” Dorcas hissed, “You can’t just out someone!”
”Lupin doesn’t care.” Regulus waved a dismissive hand.
“Not like I was only keeping it a secret because of Crouch or anything but carry on.” Remus said, tightly.
“Hang on, what?” Crouch’s head whipped to Remus again.
”Ugh! Why does this always end up happening?!” Dorcas grumbled.
Evan blinked at Remus, “Wait, so you’re not sleeping with my sister?”
A round of collective ”WHAT?”s went up before Dorcas let out a world-ending groan.
“Why the fuck do you think I’m sleeping with Pandora?” Remus shrilled.
”Barty says you’re always sneaking out! I thought the slag thing was a cover-up!”
”It is! For being gay!” And for the werewolf thing. But Remus didn’t mention that bit.
”Ohhh.” Evan’s eyes went wide and he nodded slowly.
“And for dating my brother.” Regulus added.
Remus froze.
“You’ve figured out it’s Sirius?!” Dorcas gasped, now seemingly unbothered with her attempt at regulating the situation.
”No! No—what?” Remus squeaked.
Crouch let out a laugh, “Oh, shit.”
”How do you—?!”
Regulus rolled his eyes, running his fingers though Corn’s fur, “I saw his handwriting in your weird book. Plus, I watched you leave the Gryffindor changing rooms.”
Remus shook his head frantically.
”I am not dating Sirius…!”
The four of them leaned it, waiting for him to continue. When he didn’t, Dorcas let out a huff,
”I really hoped there was going to be a ‘yet’ after that.”
”Can we please get back to the task at hand?” Regulus asked.
“Yes! Yes.” Dorcas nodded, throwing her arms out in front of her towards Evan and Barty, “These two have been trying to figure out whether it’s worth it for them to stay together or not.”
It took Remus a moment to come back into himself, topical whiplash hitting him hard. When he did, he ran a hand through his frazzled hair.
”Wasn’t it you who said we should just mind our own business?” Remus asked.
“Yeah. As it turns out, they’re so shit at communicating we have to do it for them.”
Remus just sighed.
***
Tuesday 1st October, 1975
Remus and Pandora laid side-by-side, blood rushing to their heads as they propped their legs up on the wall of the passageway. Neither of them cared about the backs of their robes being smushed against the dirty floor, they were more concerned with wondering what on earth the weird feeling was when they held their arms straight above their heads.
”It’s like my hands are too heavy but also not…” Pandora muttered as Remus bounced his heels to the beat of the song. They had been listening to the A-side of this Morrison Hotel LP for the past half an hour.
“Keep yo’aaays on the road yo’aynds upon the weeol.” The pair of them sang, Remus spreading his fingers and dipping his hands aggressively as though he were playing the piano.
”Yeah, we’re goin’ to the roadhouse we gonna have a reeul—“ They turned to face each other dramatically, “A good tam!”
Dissolving into snickers and giggles, Remus turned to the side and let his feet fall too, the change in position and the lack of blood in his head making him dizzy. Pandora followed suit, though in Remus’ direction so they were a strange spooning, tangled mess of limbs on the floor.
”Snog, marry, kill.” Pandora muttered, face smushed into Remus’ back, “Jim Morrison, Robby Krieger, John Densmore.”
”Fuck Jim Morrison.”
”That wasn’t even an option!”
”Fuck Jim Morrison.”
”Fine.”
”Marry Jim Morrison.” Remus paused, “…Kill Jim Morrison.”
”You can’t have him for all three!” She protested, resting her chin on Remus’ bicep, “Why kill him?”
”If I can’t have him, no one else can.” He murmured, before swivelling over and wrapping his arms around her, “Let it roll, baby, roll!”
Pandora screeched as Remus began to roll them both down the passage floor like a hay bale.
“Let it roll, baby, roll!” They both screeched like lunatics, snickering incessantly with zero regard for the dirt and grit catching in their hair, “Let it roooooll, dun, dun, dun, all naht lawng.”
“Do it, Robbie, do it!” Pandora then proceeded to fling herself away from Remus, playing an attempt at air guitar that looked more like she was reloading a gun.
”What are you doing?!” Remus cackled, but he barely had time to get it out as Pandora was launching herself towards Remus and attacking him, yes attacking him, with her fingers.
”AGH! NO! STOP IT!”
”PAN—PANDOAHHH!”
”STOP—TICKLING—ME!”
”And I thought you said the two of you weren’t together.”
Pandora and Remus broke apart at the third voice, looking at each other as though trying to figure out if 1. They had hallucinated it or, 2. One of them had unknowingly spoken in a voice that was not their own.
”Over here, you maniacs. Merlin, it reeks of weed in here.” The voice, which Remus realised was Sirius once he looked around.
”Sirius!” Remus exclaimed, excitedly, jumping up and immediately going to wrap his arms around the shorter boy.
A quiet “Oh.” came from the Sirius buried under Remus, “We’re doing this now.”
”Remus, leave him alooone.” Pandora drawled, Remus pulled away to scowl at her but was cut off by his own laughter as she had her head in an impossibly hilarious upside-down position.
Sirius laughed, though his sounded more concerned, “How bloody strong was it? You look like ghosts after a deathday party.”
“Sit down, Sirius.” Remus grinned, doing as he said and plonking himself down where he had been sat upside down before, “It’s much comfier on the floor.”
“I’m sure it is.” Sirius nodded.
”Hang on—how did he get here?” Pandora asked, shuffling up next to Remus, her uniform littered in patches of dirt.
”I remember you said that we could use these passageways, but not on Tuesdays. I took a good guess.”
“Traitor!” Pandora shrilled right in Remus’ ear, “You told him about Shelby!”
“Who’s Shelby?”
“No I didn’t!” Remus immediately shrilled right back, “I only told him about the one passage. Well… actually… two.”
”TWO?! This is super-secret-confidential information you’re just giving away! You gonna tell him about Xeno and I as well?”
”Pandora, everyone knows about you and Xeno. You were snogging in the courtyard this morning.”
She glared at him, before looking to Sirius again, who was now sat opposite them, “Why are you here?”
“I wanted to ask Remus something… uh… super-secret-confidential?” Sirius replied, Remus didn’t miss the way the tips of his ears, that his dark hair was tucked behind, pinked.
Pandora’s eyebrows raised along with the corners of her lips and she turned to look at Remus knowingly, “Ah. Alright. I think that I’ll, uh, leave you to it, then.”
Remus was very tempted to frantically shake his head, but Pandora was already pushing up from the ground and making her way towards the exit of the passage, turning down the record player as she did.
“I didn’t know you had a record player.” Sirius chuckled, reaching over and running a finger over the glossed (well, fairly chipped now) wood.
”I didn’t know you knew what a record player was.”
“I didn’t.” Sirius looked back at him, a cheeky grin on his face, “Muggle studies.”
Remus nodded, failing to keep his lips in check too, “Ah. Right. Of course. Well, uh, I’ve got to keep it very hidden with my mental dorm mates. Professor McGonagall helped me with an undetectable extension charm on this satchel that I keep it and all of my vinyl in.”
”Minnie did?” Sirius laughed in disbelief.
”Minnie?”
“Don’t ask. Long story. Anyway, I do believe I came here for a reason.”
“Yes.” Remus nodded, frantically, “But you should know that, whatever that reason is, I am not at all in my right mind at the moment. Amelia Bones deals some strong stuff.”
”Then why buy from her.” Sirius snorted.
”She gives me a discount because she’s trying to get into my pants.”
”Riiight.” Sirius smirked, “But because, of course, your brilliant slag act is just… well… an act?”
”I’m not a prostitute!” He protested, “Obviously I don’t actually put out. Not that I’d loose my virginity to Amelia B—“ Remus froze, eyes going just about as Sirius’, “I did not say that.”
”Yes, you did!” Sirius gaped, looking as though he was trying his very best not to laugh.
“No, I did not!” He shook his head, frantically.
”Remus Lupin you are a virgin!”
”No! No! I am an experienced man with an experienced… knob.” He winced.
”You take your lying, experienced knob and get the fuck out. I don’t believe this!” Sirius laughed, “Miley Abergrove was, just the other day, talking about how you managed to pull Aimee Fernsworth!”
“I swear on my entire LP collection I have never contributed to any of those rumours.”
”Yes, but you aren’t denying it.”
“We’re getting off track. What was your question?”
”Okay, Remus ‘Deflection’ Lupin, don’t you tell me we’re getting off track.”
“What was your question?!” Remus laughed.
Sirius narrowed his eyes, his grin betraying him, “Well, if you insist.”
”I will leave.”
”We’re planning a prank.” Sirius nodded, trying his best to be, well, serious, “But it requires a lot of transfiguration. Pete, James and I are shit but, apparently, you’re very good, according to Minnie.”
”Minnie we’ve established as…”
”McGonagall.” Sirius supplied.
Remus nodded, feigning contemplation, “So you need my help?”
”We do, yes.”
“And what do I get out of this?” Remus asked, raising his eyebrows indignantly.
Sirius quickly began to splutter, opening his mouth and closing it.
”I’m having you on.” Remus smirked, “When do you need me?”
*
Remus closed the door quietly, slotting his finger into the knot of his tie then pulling it loose and off. The beds were mostly vacant apart from Carrow, laying down and scribbling something in his book with a deep concentration and Crouch, who gave Remus a glance when he walked in then went back to reading one of the many stacked prophets on his bed. Remus would think it was strange, had he cared.
He settled on his bed and closed his curtains with a quick flick of his wand before pulling the book out of his bag and pulling the shoes off of his feet.
Hello.
Hi.
Is normal Moony back?
Normal Moony?
Not-high Moony?
Sorry?
You know? Because you were hotboxed in divination yesterday.
Right!
Normal Moony it is.
I was actually wondering something.
Go on.
Do you think that, if we ever properly meet, we could watch a muggle film?
Are you asking me on a date, Padfoot?
I’M NOT DONE.
…Because I have not watched many muggle films and need an expert to help me get more acquainted.
Hm.
Nah.
Nah?!
Nah.
Why?!
Because I have absolutely no interest in watching a film with you.
Unless it is a date.
You are nasty.
And you’re a flirt but, for some reason, not a romantic.
I want hotbox Moony back.
Is that a special request for our date?
…
Padfoot?
I want to watch Shitty Shitty Bang Bang.
Sounds entertaining.
Good lord.
”Is that how you talk to him?”
Remus slammed the book shut and wiped the grin off his face like he’d just been caught reading one of those special magazines they sell in corner shops, eyes shooting up to meet Crouch’s. He was stood at Remus’ now-parted curtains, expression almost like he was trying his best to scowl. Or trying his best not to scowl.
”Uh, pardon?” Remus cleared his throat.
Barty rolled his eyes, leaning forwards and plucking the book from Remus’ lap. This time, Remus didn’t bother to stop him as he flicked through it.
“Who’s Tiffany and why are you having breakfast with her?” He asked, then rolled his eyes and shoved the book back into Remus’ lap, “Nevermind, I don’t care.” Crouch then, for whatever insane reason, took a seat, cross-legged, on Remus’ bed.
“What are you doing?” Remus asked, unnerved.
”Shut up.”
”Why are you here?”
”I said shut up.”
”Please don’t kiss me.”
”Wha—why would I kiss you?!”
“I dunno! This just seems like what people do before they kiss other people?!”
”Stop talking about kissing, Loony! You’re making this weird.”
”I’d argue you’re the one making it weird.” Remus raised an eyebrow, before coming to a quick realisation and shoving the curtains to his left open.
”Carrow’s gone.” Crouch huffed.
Remus turned back to him, still highly mystified, “That doesn’t make me feel any better.”
”Will you just shut up!” Crouch snapped, hands out in front of him as though he wanted to throttle Remus. He’d bet that he probably did.
”Right.” Barty continued, “I just wanted to like… to ask, y’know—was it true? What you said?”
”Was what true?” Remus tilted his head, confused.
”The thing! Y’know—the thing you said. About me being the reason you didn’t want to come out?”
“I don’t—I didn’t say that.”
”Yes, you did?”
“Did I?”
Crouch let out a groan, rolling his eyes, “You said that you were only keeping it a secret because of me.”
Remus felt the cogs in his brain trying to turn and put things into place.
”Well, I’m not.” He eventually decided on. Because he wasn’t.
“You’re not?”
“I’m not.”
He wasn’t!
“Then, why?” Crouch asked, “Why keep it a secret?”
Remus shrugged, “S’just easier that way. Why do you keep it a secret?”
“Yeah! But you’ve got that stupid—“ Barty waved a hand, scrunching his face up, “-that annoying thing. Where you don’t care about anything.”
”Because I don’t.”
”Then why did you keep it a secret?!”
”Wha—I don’t—“
”Why, if you’re so high and mighty, don’t you tell anyone?”
”I—“
”Tell me, Lupin!”
”I don’t know!” Remus shouted, his voice echoing off of the dull, miserably grey stone that made up the walls and floor. He felt his eyebrows knotting themselves tightly together and a bright warm flush making its way up his neck. Something stirred uncomfortably in his stomach as though someone was wet pouring cement into it and he was anticipating the pain that would come when it hardened. He didn’t like the feeling at all.
”Salazar, no need to blow the roof off.” Crouch scoffed, but his voice seemed less ‘I want to rile you up’ than it did previously, “I just wanted to know if I was the one who made the infamous, uncaring Loony Lupin finally care.”
”I don’t. I don’t care.” Remus managed to get out, frowning at the awful feeling, “I told you. I’d rather just go peacefully about my days without being nagged at constantly by you and Tony and Snape.”
”…Right.” Barty narrowed his eyes, “And that’s… not caring?”
Remus let out a huff, “Why are you here?”
At this, Crouch seemed to draw back slightly, cocky attitude slipping whilst he gathered himself. Remus was almost convinced he was about to admit to being pregnant, with how much he seemed to be psyching himself up.
”I’m sorry, alright?” He eventually burst out.
”Sorry, what?” Remus’ eyebrows raised. He wasn’t going to lie, he probably would more expect Barty to come out with the fact he was pregnant rather than an actual apology.
Crouch glared at him, “You’ve just—“ He let out an agitated breath, “I don’t know, yeah? You’ve always been like—untouchable. I’ve never liked it. But it’s, sort of, something that I maybe don’t hate. Like you just know what’s going on but, at the same time, have no idea. And that’s like… I dunno, if you don’t know what’s going on, maybe it’s not so shit that I don’t either.”
Remus stared, blankly, “So… you’re apologising because?”
”Because if you don’t want to come out then how the fuck do I?!” Crouch practically spat, throwing his hands up exasperatedly.
Again, Remus was silent for a few moments, taking each of them to carefully process, “You… let me get this straight. You’re apologising because then I’ll have the courage to come out and that will give you the courage too? I feel like that defeats the purpose of an apology?”
”I said sorry, didn’t I?!”
“Yeah, but, like… Listen, it took me a while to figure this out and I’m still not 100%, but I think that apologies aren’t supposed to be selfish.”
”How is that selfish?”
”Well because the main outcome benefits you?” Remus offered.
”So?” Barty scoffed, “I don’t give a shit about what benefits you.”
”Feelings mutual.” Remus said, plainly, “But you’ve got to think about others, don’t you? Do you apologise to Evan or any of your friends when you’ve done something wrong?”
“I never do anything wrong.”
Remus arched an eyebrow.
”Right, fine. Maybe I could do with some more… apologising. But, from what I’ve heard about you and Pandora, you’re not so good at it either.” Crouch quipped, tone a little bit like an accusing child.
“You know, I think the difference between me and you is that you know what an apology means but you choose not to do it. I just have no idea what an apology means.”
“How do you have no idea how an apology means? That makes no sense.”
Remus shrugged, “I’ll probably get it one day. I think it’s the realising when I’m wrong that’s the trouble… You know, there are so many things in the universe. It’s so vast. But we’re all bothered about all of these little, tiny, inconvenient things like apologies and blokes snogging blokes when like… there’s whole planets.”
Crouch was silent, regarding Remus for a few moments and looking at him like he was mad, “Loony… are you high?”
”Maybe. A little bit.”
”Oh, for fuck sake.”