WHAT IS LOVE?

"Hey Maura are you in," asks Jane as she sits next to me.

"In," I look at her questionably.

"Yeah you know, drinks with us. There is a really cool new bar that Nicole and I found last month. It has trivia night but is based only on films made before 2010!"

"Really? That is a weird criteria. Otherwise yes I'm in."

"Probably in a way, they wanted to include LOTR, Avatar, The Gladiator, The Bourne Identity, Christopher Nolan's Batman and Jack Sparrow."

"Oh right, these are some of the best movies I've ever seen."

"Yeah, right! I like Pirates of the Caribbean the most. Johnny Depp and Orlando Bloom are HOT."

"True. But Boure and LOTR are the best of the bunch. No one can compete with Aragorn. And the music is really, really good in most of them. OK, I know like one song from Gladiator, you know the most famous one. I haven't watched the film."

"What???? You haven't watched it? How? You HAVE to! How? I'm speechless."

"I know, I know. I will...someday. By the way, are the criteria really films before 2010 or did you made that up to lure me in?" I wiggle my eyebrows at her.

Jane laughs, "As if! No I didn't made that up. It's real."

"Okay, okay I believe you. So when will this night out take place?"

"Friday, obviously. I'm swarmed with work until then. And Nicole has some big presentation on Thursday."

"Really, what for?"

"I think it's like a report on how her workshop with the parents of the newborn went. I think she collaborated with a small private pediatric clinic."

"Oh right, yeah. She told me about that. Friday works for me."

"Ok, cool. I have to run. See you, bye!"

______________________________________

I'm trying to draw my eyeliner when I hear the doorbell rang. I look at the clock and see that I still have half an hour before I'm meeting Jane and the others. I put the eyeliner down and walk through the door. I'm so preoccupied with thinking who might be at the door that I forgot to look through the peephole and just open the door and stop short with my hand still holding the key.

Before me stands him. Unusual white hair combed to the side, citrusy smell, another black suit. The only thing that is different from the restaurant are the eyes. They aren't hard. Actually the expression on his face looks very open, hopeful even. He takes a step closer and lifts his hand as if he wants to touch me. I step back and he stops and lowers his hand.

"My love. Maura."

It's HIS voice. This is HIM. This is what he LOOKS like! I can't wrap my head around it. He is here. At my doorstep. Almost in my apartment. In my home. How? Why? What does he want? I can only look at him. I cannot move or say anything, only stare at him.
He is starting to look worried. "Maura?" He takes another step closer. He is almost standing in my apartment. He is almost touching me with his hand.

No, no I can't let him touch me. I cannot let him come closer. He will only make my head spin. I start to smell citrus and him and I just can't. No, no, no. It's not fair that he is doing this. Not now that I was finally over. No, please no, not again. I open my mouth but nothing comes out. I try again but nothing happens.

"Maura, I missed you. You look so f***ing beautiful. I..."

"NO!" I almost screamed at him, he looks momentarily stunned but then stars to move closer. Before he could reach me I close my doors in his face and rotate my key and lock the door. I grab the first thing that comes to my hands, a chair, and put it under the door handle then take a step back all while thinking that this can't be happening.

He knocks on my door and carefully calls, "Maura, is everything,... are you... can I... Maura what are you doing? You don't have to be EVER afraid of me. I would never harm you! You know that."

I start to laugh almost maniacally when I hear the last part and I quickly cover my mouth with both of my hands.

"Please... can you open the door? So we can talk? I know - I know I wasn't... around...a lot lately. But I can explain, I promise. Everything can be okay. Between us. As it was before."

Now I start to cover my ears, "Shut up, go away, you are not real, go away, go away, GO AWAY." I start to breathe loudly and quickly.
And then nothing. He stopped talking. He is silent. I uncover my ears. Still nothing. I look at the door for a minute before I slowly pull the chair back.

And wait.

Still nothing.

I look through the peephole and don't see him in the hallway. What! Where is he?

I stumble while trying to unlock and open the door as quickly as possible.

I throw the door open and step into the hallway. Then I turn left and right but he isn't anywhere to be seen. I run to the stairway and look up and down and don't see him. Where is he? He was here just a moment ago! Why isn't he here now! Where is he!

I try to control my breathing. In and slowly out. In and slowly out. In and out. When I'm calmed down a bit I go back into the apartment, when I hear my phone ringing. I quickly grab it off the bathroom counter and answer it.

"Hey girl! Are you ready? We are here! At your building."

"What? Jane? You guys are already here," I asked confused while I walk to the window to look at the street. I don't see him or his car. I can feel disappointed that he isn't still here and angry at myself for even thinking that, " hey Jane, did you see anyone coming out of my building?"

"Like right now? No, not really."

"Yeah like a minute ago. Tall, blond hair, you can't miss him."

"Hmm no I didn't sorry. Why-?"

"What about his car? Dark gray, sporty,I don't know fancy?" I ask almost frantically.

"No I didn't sorry, none of the girls did either. Are you ok? Maybe you just imagined this mysterious guy? Do you know him? Uuuu, is he hot?"

"No...no sorry, yes I probably imagined it...I will be down in a minute." It's okay, he wasn't real. It was just my imagination.

"Ok, girl!"

_____________________

At the bar I try to forget the thing at the apartment and the episode at the restaurant and instead of actually helping with the questions I drink. Anything and everything. I'm the first one to offer to get another round through the night and the last one to agree to finally go home.
I think I see him a few times at the other end of the bar but everytime I try to ask one of my coworkers if they see him too, he's gone.
When my head is starting to spin and I start to stumble I know it is time to finally go home. While Jane, designated driver for tonight, drives through London's streets, I lay my head against the window and gaze outside watching couples strolling, late workers trying to get a cab, runners with their dogs. Everything is starting to look blurry so I close my eyes.
Jane wakes me up before my building, "C'mon let's get you inside."
When I finally get the key into the keyhole of the apartment building I look up to tell Jane of my success,gigling but something white catches my stare from the other side of the street. I quickly turn to Jane and tug at her jacket sleeve, "Jane, Jane, do you see him? Right there, across the street!"

"What, Maura, who are you talking about? Where? I don't see anything.”

"But - he really was there Jane, I'm not lying!

"You have been seeing a lot of people that weren't actually there tonight Maura. It's just alcohol in you. You will be OK tomorrow."

I'm too tired to argue. Yes it was only alcohol. He wasn't really there.

But the next day when I see the same black car on my street and at the Institute I'm starting to think I'm going crazy. What is happening? Why am I seeing things? And why are they connected to HIM? Am I really going crazy or is this just my imagination that knows I still miss him even though I'm over him?