book clubs can be cool, you know
Every second Wednesday in the month is reserved for a book club. We call it a book club but in reality it's only two of us, Nev and me. We do have a book that we are supposed to read but in the last year we have usually just talked about life. At the beginning the books were philosophical and psychological, analytical, and biographies. Nev tried to make sense of what happened to him and his 'world'.
He first came to me as a client in the Institute. He had one of the saddest and most traumatic life stories out of all of my clients. His parents were hurt when he was young and are in a vegetative state in hospital's care. Then there was school bullying, then the f***ing cowards as he calls two sadistic school teachers he had for a whole year. He tried to help his classmates and younger students to escape the really, f***ing severe punishments the students were ordered to do on each other. And then “The Incident” aka the war or a battle or a guerilla fight that he and his classmates were a part of.
He cannot really go into details. So we usually played a guessing game - he described something very loosely and then I would ask questions. He would never really answer them but he tried to show me with his facial expressions if I guessed correctly or not. I tried to help him in therapy, but he was too stubborn and hurt for it to make any effect. There was also the problem of me not being able to remain professional. During some of our sessions I had to stop and step outside. I wanted to strange the teachers, the parents, all of the adults that let that happen. He asked me not to tell my supervisor about what we talked about so I was struggling to think of the ways to help him.
At the time I already knew that he was from the same school as Theo and Enya, as I put all pieces together: the time frame, similar expressions, a few incidents both Neville and Enya mentioned. So I told Enya that I think one of my clients is from the same school and I didn't know how to help as I couldn't really understand what happened. She told me it was in some ways similar to the Second world war when Nazis and the communist killed a lot of people without any concrete reason behind it.
In one of our sessions he asked me how could anyone join this stupid cult that killed and hurt so many. How could they attack their school where some of them had kids inside. I didn't know what to say so I suggested a book about Nürnberg's trials. How some of the worst criminals looked like normal people and had families but still caused so much suffering.
At our next session he wanted to discuss the book and asked for the next recommendation. After the third book he asked if I wanted to join a bookclub that he was in. I wasn't sure if it was allowed by the EPA (European Association for Psychotherapy).
In the end Nev was transferred to another therapist and I joined the book club. At the time I didn't know it would be just the two of us, but Nev needed a friend, someone who was an outsider to talk to. First we only talked about his childhood and the books. Then we started to chat about more cheerful things like hobbies and the future. He told me about his love for plants. One time he was very energetically talking about healing abilities for one's gut that one of the plants had. As I had a short time ago read about how some of the medication for the gut does more harm than good in our bodies I mentioned how nice it would be if other people also know this plant. Nev then said that it was unlikely that they would know it because the plant was "special" (meaning magical), I in a joke suggested that he could open a black market and sell them the thing. It would be a win-win situation, he would get rich and he would help people. He really took my words to heart and slowly built a plant empire, selling rare "special" plants to his and my people alike. He also had a side business that was very much illegal which I didn't know about. Actually I think most of his business was illegal.
He changed a lot during all this time. From scared, scrawny, young man who felt like he didn't have a place in this world to a confident, serious man who knew exactly who he was and what his purpose was.
__________
The next Wednesday I waited in a cafe in Notting Hill nibbling at my tea, thinking how Neville will definitely know what was happening to me, when he walked through the doors of the caffe, looked around and then walked to my table.
"Good evening Maura. How are you?"
"I'm probably ok."
"Probably?" asked Neville with a smile and a raised eyebrow.
"Well actually I wanted to ask you for advice and for help. You are an outsider to the situation and we didn't talk too much about that topic so I think you would be able to tell me objectively what the heck is happening and what I should do about it."
"Ok. You know that even though we see each other only once a month, I am just a phone call away, right?"
"Yes I know. Thank you Nev. Sooo... You know the man that I was seeing last year?"
"The one who left you very suddenly and without explanation and that you knew very little about?"
"Yes, him. You know I was really down after he left. I started to feel better again and I thought that I was doing better. But then we went to some restaurant to celebrate my cousin's birthday and there was this man, who smelled exactly the same as HIM. So of course I first thought, you know, that that wasn't him because he wasn't rich. But then I remembered the presents he gave me so I thought, yeah it would actually make sense if that was him. You know the place was like super top fancy. And I thought that was it. But then a few days ago the same men showed up at my apartment and he had THE SAME voice as him. And also the smell was the same. So I got scared. I closed the door in his face and then my friend who was waiting downstairs didn't see him. And the same night I went to a bar with friends and I thought I saw him a few more times. And then there is this black car that I think is following me, but no one can see it."
Neville was looking at me with a strange expression on his face.
"So do you think I'm crazy, or like did I ate something that gives you hallucinations or something like that,..." the look on Nev's face doesn't change which gives me a pause. "What? You don't think that - that it's one of YOUR people is it?" I say in a whisper.
"I mean, it could be an explanation, I just don't know if it's true."
"But then how do you explain that I can see him and the car I’m not like you?"
"I'm not sure. I can ask around if there are any spel- I can ask around."
"You really don't think I'm crazy?"
He smiles softly at me. "No I don't think you are crazy. You believed what I said so far even though it sometimes sounds very far fetched without demonstration."
"Thank you Nev," I repeated, " so did you read the book. what did you think about it?"
"I can't say I enjoyed it really," says Neville grinning, when he pulls a small book with a woman in regency clothes and a man without a shirt on the cover, out of his pocket.