Illicit Deliberations

Sirius has never been in a situation like this before, well more accurately he has never been on this side of a situation like this before. He’s run out of an ex hookup’s apartment more times than he could count on his fingers, he just never thought that Remus would do it. The worst part is he can’t understand what he did wrong at all, Remus asked him to come to the bar, Remus agreed to come home with him, he didn’t even have the chance to do anything besides take off his jacket before Remus sprinted out.

Sirius did not like to think of himself as desperate, when someone left they left for a good reason, he learned that lesson through himself when he ran away. You shouldn’t call someone back, drag them away from the choices they’ve made, that being said, Sirius has called Remus seven times since he left and has been sent to voicemail every time. He ran after Remus, after the shock wore off, he leapt off the couch and bolted down the stairs, but by the time he made it outside Remus was nowhere to be found.

He needed James, James would know the answer. Sirius can feel the sting of tears welling in his eyes, oh how needed the comfort only James could provide. James always knew the right thing to say. His head dropped into hands as the tears came rushing out, running down his cheek, the salt burning as it touched his tongue. It’d been many years since Sirius had felt this out of his depth, the last time he remembers was right before he’d left.

Sirius had just stepped off the train, returning back home for the Christmas holiday. James gave him a solemn, if not stupidly comical, look while offering him a salute before Sirius went up to his parents.

“Get in the car we have much to discuss” his mother had whispered into his ear.

Sirius simply nodded in return, matching step with Regulus until they slid into the backseat. He waited, silently, knowing something bad was coming. Truly, he knew something bad was coming regardless of his mothers ominous words.

They’d been driving in silence for close to ten minutes, Sirius hoped, naively, that maybe this meant he’d be able to get out of the conversation looming in his mind.

“Sirius”

“Yes Mother”

“You’ve become quite close with that James Potter boy, correct?”

“Yes, Mother. He is my dorm mate.”

“Excellent. Your father will show you the plans once we arrive.”

His father did show him the plans once they’d arrived. God, were they horrifying. Orion and Walburga had been planning for what seemed like months. Sirius’ eyes looked over everything again, making sure he was seeing correctly, he was. He was going to have to use James to get information on Fleamont Potter for his parents, they were going to blackmail Fleamont. He felt sick, like crying, or throwing up, crawling under the table and hiding.

Sirius didn’t remember how he made it back up to his room that night, but he regained consciousness and he was laying fetal position on the floor while Reg knocked at his door.

“Sirius, what is going on? You’ve missed dinner, mother and father are furious with you.”

Sirius grunted in response. He felt Regulus’ body take a seat next to him.

“Listen, you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to but- but…Sirius. We’ve always told each other everything. I- I know it’s been different recently. B- but, we’re brothers, you can tell me.”

Sirius pushed himself up to meet Regulus’ eyes.

“I’m leaving.”

“What do you mean you're leaving?”

“I’m running away.” He paused, “Come with me Reg”

“Sirius- I- I can’t do that”

“Why not?” Sirius raised his voice.

“I don’t have people, people that I can just run away to when I get upset.”

“Regulus, I have enough friends for the both of us to run away to. James’ parents will take us in.”

“Why do you do this?” Regulus asked agitated, “I have plenty of friends Sirius, this isn’t about that,”

“Well go with them then if you’re so against coming with me, but we can’t keep living here, we can't keep doing this” Sirius snapped.

“Oh my god, this isn’t about you or James, I can’t just follow you on a whim whenever you feel like running away from your problems. You always do this, you always make these impulsive decisions without ever thinking about what the consequences could be. I’m not gonna pretend to be in your dream world where you don’t think anything through.”

Sirius stayed silent for a second. Regulus continued, his voice rising rapidly “Do you want to know what's gonna happen Sirius? They’re going to come to James’ house themselves, probably threaten to kill his parents for harboring their son, take you back here and make it so you can never leave again, and most likely pull you out of school. In case that wasn’t clear enough for you, I’ll make it more, they are going to hurt you to the point that you physically cannot leave again. Still enjoying your dream world now Sirius? Or has logic caught up to you?”

Sirius stayed silent for a moment, Regulus glaring at him, not strong enough to hide the concern under his eyes.

“I’m going.”

Regulus stared for a moment, his glare breaking, signs of tears starting to form in his eyes.

“Please don’t Sirius,”

“I have to. I can’t be here anymore, can’t stay with this family anymore.” Sirius paused, “I’m not like you Reg.”

“You’ve made that clear.”

Regulus’ glare snapped back into place quickly before he turned, walked out of the room and closed the door.

That was the last time the two spoke for 10 years.

Leaving was hard, it felt like he was suffocating, but it was absolutely nothing compared to the first week at the Potters. Nothing felt real, he didn’t process any thought, idea, or opinion for days. Time seemed to have stopped and he couldn’t feel himself breathe, he had convinced himself he was dead honestly. James and Peter had pulled him out, they’d sat with him, talked to him even when he couldn’t form the words to talk back. Sirius needed that again.

Peter! As much as he needed Peter’s help, Sirius realized he had been so preoccupied with James' situation that it had been two days and Peter didn’t even know what had happened. Sirius grabbed his phone and called.

“Hello, this is Peter… Peter Pettigrew. I um, can't make it right now. Leave a message for me.”

Weird. In the 15 something years Sirius had known Peter he had never not picked up his phone, luckily for Sirius, Peter lived less than a five minute walk away. Jogging out the door and making it out into the warm summer night, Sirius made his way to Peter’s flat. Another lucky thing for Sirius is that himself and James both have a key to Peter’s flat, because when he gets there he knocks and waits for five minutes and no one comes to the door.

Sirius fiddled with his keys, trying to find the right one. He didn’t have to use his key to Pete’s all that regularly, considering he didn’t often show up unannounced. Finally opening the door he yelled out.

“PETE! YOU IN HERE?”

“IN HERE SIRIUS” Peter’s voice came back from the kitchen, “PLEASE HELP”

Help? Now Sirius was even more worried. He walked into the kitchen to see Peter, tied to a chair.

“Peter! What happened?” Sirius asked, taking a second to examine the rope holding Peter down, the piece around his chest fraying, looking as if Peter had been biting through it.

“Oh my god Sirius, I’m so glad you're here” Peter sighed out, “I was about to go to meet James for drinks, and then on my way out these two guys came in. I thought they were trying to rob me so I offered them money. They said they were gonna kidnap James and that they had to stop me from going, but- but then they just pushed a needle into my leg. Next thing I know I woke up this afternoon, two days later, and I’m tied to a chair.”

As Peter was talking Sirius had been using a kitchen knife to cut through the ropes holding him down.

“Pete, I need you to tell me everything you can remember about the two guys.”

“Yeah, yeah, absolutely mate. One sec though, I’ve been tied here for two days. I need to take a leak quite badly” Peter said, getting up from his seat, clear that his legs weren’t used to the pressure as he scurried into the bathroom.

Sirius grabbed a glass, filled it with water, and located some snacks in Peter’s pantry before making his way to meet Peter on the living room couch.

“God, you're a lifesaver ya know” Peter said after finishing chugging the glass of water.

“No, no I’m not.” Sirius sighed. “I should have known they’d do something to you too. As soon as I heard of James I should have, I- I should have come here immediately. But I was too distracted, living in my own world.”

“Sirius, it’s ok. I didn’t even wake up until this afternoon. You would have just come here and then been too worried about me being passed out to do anything about James.” Peter paused, “You have been able to find stuff out about James, yes?”

“A little, I called Reg. I know it’s him but he won’t admit it”

“You called Regulus? Are you- I mean, I know that was hard, are you doing ok?”

“I’m fine Pete.” Sirius snapped.

“It’s ok if you're not.” Peter paused, gauging Sirius’ reaction before continuing, “You know that right.”

Sirius softened a bit before continuing, “Just tell me about the guys that attacked you”

“Right” Peter mumbled under his breath before continuing, “One was tall, like really tall, dark skin, blonde hair, blue eyes. The other was shorter than the first, but not by two much, black hair, a lot of tattoos, but none that I could make out enough to remember. Both brits, or at least good with an accent,” Peter started trailing off.

“Evan and Barty.” Sirius cut in.

If Sirius had not been as painfully observant about Regulus as he was, he would have never known the two, especially not from Peter’s description. Regulus did not talk about his friends, for his first couple years of school Sirius was convinced he didn’t have any. It didn’t change because Regulus decided to open up, it was because Sirius decided to start looking.

Sirius would watch Regulus at meals from across the dining hall, and in time, noticed subtle looks shared between him and two others. He would see, very rarely, a small smile drawl across his brother's face when around the two. Sirius tried hard to speak to Regulus, he tried to find him and say he was sorry, beg him to come with him, or something. Everytime, he was intercepted by one or both of the two before he got the chance to get within five feet of Regulus.

It wasn’t until his sixth year, after he had left home, that he learned who these two were. Marlene, one of his best friends, had started seeing a girl named Dorcas, she turned out to be very close friends with Regulus. Dorcas had mentioned Regulus’ dorm mates, Evan Rosier and Barty Crouch Jr., along with others.

It hurt, it hurt an almost inconceivable amount, learning the most basic details of his brother's life through a mutual friend. During that time, he often wondered if Dorcas spoke of him to Regulus. He wondered, and he hoped, that Regulus was still thinking of him, that Regulus would come to him, or at least speak to him. All that wonder lead to nothing really, a postcard five years later.

“You know them? Did they work for your parents?” Peter asked, snapping Sirius out of his trance.

“Not that I know of, they’re Regulus’ best mates.”

“Oh” Peter responded.

Sirius quite wanted to hate Barty and Evan, doing this to Peter then leaving him like this for days, but he found he couldn’t. All he knew of them was how fiercely protective the two were about Regulus. Someone needed to be protective of Reg, and if it couldn’t be him he was happy there was at least someone. Evan and Barty were quite like how he used to be in a way, no morals outside of protecting Regulus.

— — — —

Remus slammed the door to his office, and Regulus was left staring at the wall in front of him. It was burning, everything was burning. The fire, that had laid so dormant, only lingering coals, was now erupting. Remus had run away, just like Sirius before him. He needed to snap out of this, Remus was now a walking liability, one wrong word out of him to the wrong person and Regulus would spend the rest of his life in jail. He pulled out his phone and messaged his group text with Barty and Evan.

[Regulus]: Can you two keep an eye on Lupin? Make sure he doesn’t go to the cops.

[Barty]: Already on it.

[Evan]: On it too. For the record tho, you should have told him.
[Barty]: I am forced to agree with Evan here.

[Regulus]: You know when a better time to voice these concerns would have been?
[Regulus]: When I originally told you that we weren’t gonna tell him.

[Evan]: That's a lie and you know it. You woulda cut my tongue off before I got the sentence out.

[Regulus]: Get off your phone and keep an eye on him.

[Evan]: Barty’s got it under control right now.
[Evan]: We’re in the living room, so stay in your office for a bit.
[Evan]: Once we get Remus calmed down I’ll come in and check on you, ok?

[Regulus]: I’m fine, I don’t need “checking in on”.

[Evan]: Alr, well once we get Remus calmed down I’ll come in and hang out with you, ok?

[Regulus]: ok.

Regulus’ phone clicked off and he slid it back into his pocket.

Burning. Burning. Burning. The tears were starting to form in his eyes, he pinched them back. This had happened far too often, Regulus wasn’t enough, or he was too much, or he went too far, and then they left. He could never be what Sirius wanted him to be, so Sirius left. He went too far for Remus, not meeting the standards he had, so Remus left. He was never able to be what they wanted him to be, all he could ever be was himself.

Regulus had tried for so long to be someone else, nicer, softer, stronger, everything Sirius had ever wanted him to be, but through his cracks he showed himself. He snapped at people, he let his walls build higher around himself, and he let his parents walk all over him.

Sirius had given up on him by the time Regulus was thirteen. Regulus wished it had been for a specific reason, wished that he had been so mean to Sirius that he saw no future in him, yet it was nothing. If there was something, anything, he could have blamed himself, blamed the situation. There was nothing, Sirius just gave up.

It was his fourteenth birthday when he decided to stop trying to live for Sirius. Sirius noticed of course, their relationship becoming even more strained than it had been.

It was Christmas break, about eight months later, when he thought he and Sirius had a chance of returning to normal. Sirius had missed dinner, so Regulus went up to his room, he sat down and spoke, and Sirius did not immediately tell him to piss off, it was an improvement. The look in Sirius’ eyes showed improvement too. It was immediately shattered by his words.

“I’m Leaving” Sirius had said. “Come with me Reg.”

It broke something in Regulus. He was no longer living for his brother, no longer would he get himself caught up with Sirius’ insane plans that were sure to fail, but he wanted to. All Regulus had ever longed for was to be out of that house, away from his parents, with Sirius. Now he had the option, he had every opportunity to pack a bag and run, run away into the night and never look back. But, he couldn’t, he couldn’t live by whatever rules Sirius told him he had to. He had to keep living for himself.

Sirius pestered, pushed, needing to know the reason. Regulus knew the truth would break his heart. So he lied, he came up with any excuse he could, he didn’t have the people Sirius had to run away to. It ended up not being a lie, the second Sirius said he was going to James’. How could Regulus depend on James?

James who had stolen his brother from him, who he was so, so hopelessly in love with, who wouldn’t spare the time of day for a glance in his direction. James, who had seen Regulus on the football field nearly every school day for the past five years, yet didn’t look at him long enough to notice he was his best friend's brother. James, who Regulus had to look at for so many years, who never once looked back. James, who Regulus spent so long hating and loving at the same time.

His phone buzzed in his pocket, he quickly wiped the lingering tears out of his eyes.

[Evan]: Barty and I got Remus out to a bar for a bit, either get home in the next hour or so and stay in your room, or spend the night there. Best you two have some space for a bit.

[Regulus]: Thanks Ev, gonna crash here.

[Evan]: Kk, I’ll come back after Remus goes to bed, Barty can stay at home.

[Barty]: Why do I have to stay home?

[Evan]: Because you do.

[Barty]: Whatever you say Rosie.

Regulus wasn’t fully aware where he was going, only that he was going, until he realized he was outside of James’ door. It was stupid really, it was midnight, it would be rude to wake him up, especially when he was just here for consoling. Well, was it really that rude compared to everything else? James was going to die within three weeks, surely losing an hour of sleep wasn’t the rudest thing in the world.

Regulus was a little surprised when he opened the door and saw the lights on. Even more surprised to see James sprawled out in bed reading. James sprung up and looked Regulus in the eyes, god was he stunning. James radiated warmth and joy, just being around him brought Regulus out of whatever mood he was in. How could he possibly kill this boy in just three weeks, he needed a lifetime of James.

“Hello, R” James said warmly.

“R?”

“That's what your note said” James unfurled his book to the opening page, where Regulus had clearly written “-R”.

“Ah, I guess I did.”

A moment of silence passed, both eyeing each other carefully, for very different reasons.

“Why did you come here? You said you would never come back” James’ voice was weary.

“Well, I did not expect to be in this situation again. You see, the last time I came here, I needed something to distract myself. The others, they all knew something had happened to me, they all coddled me a bit. I needed a new problem, something else for me to solve.”

“I’m your problem?”

“In a way, yes.” Regulus paused, “You’ve been my problem for a while.”

“While we were at school? I’m sorry if I was ever mean to you, I was a bit full of myself back then.” James trailed off.

“No James you weren’t mean to me, you never spoke to me actually.”

“Then how was I your problem?”

“It is quite very complicated, with many layers, but I guess that was part of my problem.”

“That I didn’t speak to you.”

“Yes, I had always wished you did.”

“I’m speaking to you now.”

“That you are, it’s quite surreal actually.”

“How?” James asked, his tone warmer than before.

“I guess I had a certain image of who you would be in my mind. You’re different from that image.” Regulus responded, honestly.

James stared up at Regulus with a puzzled gaze on his face, words clearly forming before landing on what to say.

“What kind of different?” James asked.

“Less… hm… less perfect. Every time I saw you, you were surrounded with friends, laughing, and smiling. Everything about your life seemed perfect, and now you're just…here.”

“I’m just a person, no one is perfect like that. We all have flaws. You just saw what I wanted people to see.” James smiled, looking up at Regulus.

Regulus didn’t care what James thought, he absolutely was perfect. He wanted to hurt anyone who gave James the idea that he wasn’t. James was shining, he always had been really, but Regulus had assumed that it would go away. Dull with age, or the situation he was currently in, but no, James was shining brighter than ever. Regulus always knew, in the back, unconscious part of his brain at least, that he wasn’t going to kill James. Now, he knew consciously. He absolutely could not hurt James more than he already did.

“I think that is why I find you so fascinating James” The words slipped out of Regulus’ tongue before he was ready.

“Fascinating?” James’ head cocked to the side looking puzzled, “Why are you telling me this?”

“I’ve realized you are not just another problem for me to solve anymore. I- I want to learn more about you, I want to- try to understand you.”

James let out a sarcastic chuckle, “How can you understand me like this? I’m-”

Regulus cut him off before he could finish, “Kidnapped, I know.” He paused slightly, his breath catching before continuing, “I don’t want you to think this is easy for me, I don’t want to hurt you.”

“Then why are you doing it?” James’ tone was soft but his gaze was sharp.

Regulus paused for a second, thinking, before he took a couple steps closer to where James was sitting on the bed. He gestured down to the area next to James. James nodded, and Regulus joined him in sitting on the bed. He had never been this close to James Potter in his life, it was a rush, an intoxicating rush. Of course the man who had been kidnapped, and subsequently without a shower, for three days still smelled as perfect as ever. Regulus snapped back, composing himself quickly before answering James’ question.

“Because I can’t let you go. Not yet, at least.”

“You know it’s not fair though, trapping me here”

“I do. But, there is a lot going on in the world James, a lot that you do not know of.”

“Like what?” James asked, sarcastically almost, arching an eyebrow.

“You are a constant target of people who work in my sector. Do you know why your friend Sirius left his home and came to you?”

“Of course I know!” James got defensive, “His parents are awful, they abused him and tormented him for years!”

“That is certainly a part of it, yes. But, Sirius left his parents because they wanted him to enact a plan built on blackmailing your father. Your family had made quite a name for themselves, they have built incredible wealth, all seemingly legally. That makes them, and by extension you, a prime target for people who do much worse things than I do.” Regulus took a breath, examining James’ face, this information about Sirius had clearly been news for him. Regulus continued, “I’ve kept you safe here James, that's all I wanted to do.”

Regulus may be lying out of his ass right now. The truth was that until about 5 minutes ago, he was fully set on murdering James. And not the type of murder that had become typical of his work, where Barty and Evan handle the dirty work. Regulus was going to kill James, and watch, he was going to be happy about it. That was before he broke the one rule he set for himself, don't talk to James Potter.

“I’m still trapped.” James’ voice was weaker now, less conviction behind it. Exactly how Regulus wanted it to be.

“You’re safer here than you are out there, there is so much happening James.” Another bold faced lie, all plans to go after the Potter fortune had been abandoned years ago, a side-effect of his parents passing.

“I guess…I mean, I’m sure I could have ended up with worse kidnappers.”

“Exactly. I’ll be here for you James.”

There was a comfortable moment of silence as James tried his best to read Regulus’ cold expression.

“Thank you for the book” James said simply to break the silence, “It’s been nice having something to entertain myself”

Regulus shifted slightly, he could feel a light blush crossing his cheeks, “I’m glad to hear. Books can be quite comforting. They can let your mind relax”

“They do don’t they,” James mumbled, “considering my current reality, a little mental relaxation couldn’t hurt.”

“I’m not going to pretend that I'm in the right James.”

“Can I ask you something R?”

Regulus nodded slightly, biting his tongue from telling James that he had already been asking him questions.

“Why do you care about me? You say this is for my safety but why do you care?” James’ voice was shaky.

“It’s complicated, difficult for even me to understand,” Regulus paused, tucking his hair behind his ear, “I’ve seen you for so long, and I’ve always admired everything about you”

“Admired? Why did you admire me?”

Regulus looked across at James and saw him staring back, a blush whispered along his cheeks and the same dorky smile Regulus had remembered from all those years ago.

Regulus swallowed, trying to contain his nerves. He’d already decided to open up to James, what's one more thing, “Because you are brave. And that’s something I’ve never been. I hoped I could understand your bravery, learn something from you.”

“I want to understand you too. I couldn’t stop thinking about you after you left last night,” James admits, “You confuse me, but you’re fascinating too.”

“I’ve been told that before,” Regulus chuckles before continuing, “Why don’t we agree to try to understand each other?”

“I’d like that” James smiles, “On one condition though, no lies.”

“I wouldn’t have expected anything less.” Regulus smiles.

Regulus grew up trying to find the happiness in awful places, it broke him. It broke him so quickly, and to the point that he believed he would never find happiness again. But as the energy of the room shifted, a careful and delicate string of happiness grew out of him as he sat next to James. Two people, finding understanding and happiness, even in awful places.